After hanging up the phone, Joey nervously paced around his apartment and peered out of his window, hoping that Chandler wouldn't run into any reporters on the way over, or else catch a glimpse of the tabloid headlines at the newsstands. Joey almost regretted moving far away from Greenwich Village, even if it meant avoiding Ross and Rachel.

However, maybe Chandler would take the Porsche straight here; when traffic was light and Monica wasn't using the car, he liked to rush over to Joey's place. Joey was about to call Chandler's cell phone to make sure that he was hurrying, but the phone rang.

Joey's sister Cookie had evidently heard the rumors, and was quite upset. "Joey!" she scolded him, "Mom and Dad are gonna kill you! But not before I do."

Joey sighed and winced. "So you saw the papers?"

"Yes! And even if I didn't, those damn reporters keep calling here looking for you, because this was your last address before you moved."

"Sorry, Cookie. You didn't tell them where I am now, did you?"

"No, I've just been hanging up on them. Geez, Joey, I knew you and Chandler acted kind of weird around each other, but this! How could you? Especially when he's got a wife and a baby on the way!"

"Huh?" Joey was shocked by her reproach. "Cookie, it's not true! We're not having a secret affair!"

Now she was confused. "You mean you--you aren't gay?"

"No! How could you think something like that, Cookie? You know me."

"Well, I-I thought I did," she said sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Joey, but you've just been acting so strange lately, that I don't even know you anymore. I mean, first you quit your job and disappear, only leaving behind a note for your friends that says you just can't take it since that Rachel girl left you. Then a month later, Chandler finds you and tells us that you're in L.A., growing a beard and starting over. But two weeks after that, you change your mind and move back all of the sudden, saying you're sorry for all the fuss. I take you in and even try to fix you up on dates to help you get over Rachel, but you keep saying no."

"I just didn't feel ready yet!" Joey protested. "It's only been three months."

"Well, all right, but every time that Chandler would come visit you at my place, I'd notice that he'd be staring at you a lot, and you guys would keep whispering or going off to talk in private. So when I read this paper with all this proof and stuff--well, I thought it explained things."

"It doesn't!" Joey told her firmly. "It's not true."

"But how come they know what hotel you stayed in, and those maids say he was with you all night?"

"Nothing happened! We were just talking! He was trying to convince me to come back to New York, and we were talking about Rachel, and--" He wondered whether he should tell her about Chandler's kiss and his confession about his loveless marriage. But that would probably give Cookie the wrong idea. So Joey told her a half-truth, "I-I was trying to help him quit smoking. He'd started up again, and I didn't want to leave him alone to sneak a cigarette."

Her brother's hesitation still made Cookie suspicious. "Really? Well, then why did you come back all of the sudden?"

"'Cause I was worried about him! With him smoking, and the baby coming, and Monica..." He gulped with guilt. "This is just some trashy, made-up gossip, okay? Don't believe everything you read!"

"All right, all right! I'm sorry."

"Cookie, please tell me you haven't told Mom and Dad that I'm gay."

"No, I haven't had a chance to talk to anybody else yet, and besides, I was afraid that they might have a heart attack or something."

"Well, see if you can stall them from finding out, or if they've already found out, then tell them it's not true."

"Okay. But you've got to do something about all these reporters calling me!"

"Yeah, I know. I will soon. Bye."

After he hung up, Joey returned to the window. To his relief, he finally saw Chandler park the Porsche on the street, then get out and approach the apartment building. From his posture, he seemed relaxed and ignorant of any shocking news. Joey closed the drapes over his window and went over to buzz Chandler in.

Soon Chandler arrived upstairs and started to greet Joey, but Joey interrupted him and pulled him inside. He hastily shut and locked the door.

Chandler asked, "What's wrong, Joe? You rehearsing for some kind of spy movie?"

"No, um," he cleared his throat nervously. "Look, there's something I've gotta show you, Chandler. Come here." Joey led him into the living room and showed him the pile of tabloids on his coffee table.

Chandler gasped at the headlines. "Oh my God! Gay? How did they ever come up with that idea?"

Joey blushed and pointed him toward the latest and most complete article about the scandal. "They, um, they think you and me aren't just friends."

"What? Why?" Chandler sank down on the couch and read the story anxiously. He was appalled to learn that their night at the hotel had been discovered and misinterpreted. Just how relentless did these paparazzi creeps have to be, prying into everything? Chandler bit his lip and glanced at Joey, who was sitting on his recliner and wringing his hands. His face looked grim and inscrutable, all the more so because of his beard, which hid most of his features.

Meanwhile, the chick and the duck made a lot of noise and evidently wanted to play, like they always did whenever Chandler came over to visit. Joey got up and shooed the birds into their room, even tossing them some toys to play with before he shut their door.

Chandler looked back to the page that he was reading. The insinuating story even mentioned Chandler's alumni website where he came out as gay, only to retract it later, but not before a manipulated gay porn image got posted there. Also, their old college classmate Tom Gordon, who had attended Ross Geller's fake memorial service, said that he still didn't believe that the coming out was really just a practical joke, because he had met a drag queen at Chandler's apartment.

"Oh, God!" Chandler groaned and dropped the tabloid in sheer horror.

Joey nodded and sat down beside him, seeing that Chandler had finished. "Yeah, it's really bad, huh? I-I guess we shouldn't have started that fight with Ross over his website. And Monica's not gonna appreciate being called a drag queen."

Chandler put down his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Joe! I'm so sorry!"

Joey shrugged. "Hey, I was the one who pushed the send button, you know?" He still thought Chandler was talking about the website squabble. "I just never thought it would come back to haunt us like this."

"No, it's me!" Chandler insisted with guilt. "It's me! It's my gay quality rubbing off on you, Joey! I-I just couldn't leave well enough alone--chasing you to L.A., and not leaving your hotel room like I should have. I've ruined your reputation!" He broke down into tears.

"Hey!" Joey hugged him and tried to calm him down. "Hey, no! Chandler, stop blaming yourself. Shh. Come on, you didn't know any of this would happen. Besides, I asked you to stay that night, remember? It's not your fault. It's those sleazy reporters, always trying to dig up dirt and scandals."

Chandler clung to his arms and nevertheless felt responsible. He moaned, "They never would have thought this if it weren't for me."

Joey sighed. "Look, Chandler, you wanna make it up to me, huh? Then help me fix my reputation. Help me figure out what to do now. I'd ask Estelle for advice, but she actually called me and thought it was true."

"Really?" Chandler looked up in disbelief.

"Yeah! She was all excited, and even after I told her it wasn't true, she said it would help my career! She said that I have a huge gay fan base, you know, and this rumor will just make me more popular with them."

Chandler was quite shocked by this, even knowing what a terrible agent Estelle was.

Joey said, "So what do you think we should do, Chandler? How can we fix this mess?"

Wiping away his tears, Chandler exhaled and thought about it for several moments. Then he suggested, "You should--you should probably give them an official statement denying the whole thing. And you should probably date some women too, so they stop being suspicious of you being alone for so long."

Joey didn't like that idea, for he still did not feel ready to date again. "Well, what if I tell them that I left because of my breakup with Rachel, and that I'm still not over that? Oh wait, maybe that would make all the reporters start pestering Ross and Rachel too. I don't want all that stuff about them and Emma and Charlie to come out." They would look like a very twisted and incestuous group of people.

"So you should start dating," Chandler repeated. "Even if you have to pretend." Then he frowned and added quietly, "And maybe--maybe you should stop seeing me too."

"What?" Joey blinked and turned to him.

Chandler pulled out of his arms and nodded. "Yeah, if we--if we stop seeing each other, then they'll believe we're not a couple." It hurt so much just to say this, but if it was for Joey's own good, he had to.

Joey disliked that idea even more than dating. "No! No, that's no good! That'll only make us look more suspicious, you know, like we got something to hide. And you're my best friend, Chandler, and I'd miss you, and--and besides, you're the whole reason that I even moved back here at all!"

Chandler was surprised. "What? Me? But--but I thought you came back because you didn't like L.A. and you missed your family?"

"Nah, that's just the excuses that I made for the gang. I came back for you!"

Chandler was touched and unable to speak. For a wild moment, he even dared to be hopeful and look into Joey's eyes searchingly.

But Joey continued obliviously, "Yeah, I'm still really worried about you and Monica all the time, and I told you that I had to see for myself if she really loved you, you know? I think you're wrong, and she's not faking it. I even talked to her the other day, Chandler, and she said she really loves you."

Oh that. That hopeless project. Of course he didn't come back for Chandler alone. This damn unrequited love was making him crazy, imagining things out of desperation. Chandler just looked away and tried to hide how crushed he was. He spoke bitterly, "Of course she says that. She always says that. Even when she's chasing hot soap stars on the roof and letting them autograph her bra!"

"Chandler, it was just a party!" Joey insisted. "She was star struck and giddy, that's all. Rachel got that way too."

"If she loved me, Monica would have gone to the play to get me. Or she wouldn't have forgotten to invite me to the party in the first place."

"Look, maybe you're just not giving her enough love and affection, so she gets distracted easily and forgets sometimes."

"No. I give her every damn thing she wants, but it doesn't make any difference. She whines about going to Tulsa with me and insults the ring I gave her, then she gets a new job and makes me go alone. Or she'll pretend to let me win a fight so we'll have sex, but she's really mad and just wants to get pregnant. I mean, even before we got married, Monica got scared about never having a first kiss again and never sleeping with somebody else, and then she had that secret bachelorette party with a stripper, even though we said we weren't gonna have those parties. She only stayed with me because she still wanted a baby and a husband and everything. That's why I showed up for the wedding, too--because I thought she was pregnant already."

Joey was frustrated by his sheer negativity. "Why do you have to say that stuff, Chandler? She's never actually cheated on you, even when I hit on her sometimes! You just don't love her, and you wanna think that she's the same about you. That she's just settling for you and faking it. But maybe she's not, okay? Maybe you guys could really be happy together, if you just tried."

Chandler shook his head sadly, and realized that Joey didn't understand how he felt at all. Only one thing that could make him happy--Joey loving him back.

"Why can't you just love her too?" Joey asked. "Why can't you let go of me and be happy for what you have? A beautiful woman that loves you, and that's having your baby."

"Don't you think I've tried! I tried to love her, Joe, and other girls before her. I've tried to get over you, but I can't. They're just not the same. I love you, and I can't stop."

Joey pleaded with him. "But you have to! For the baby. For Monica. For me! I mean, do you know how much I'd give right now to have what you've already got and don't even appreciate? You've got a family. If you could just be happy--"

"I can't! She's not you. I can barely stand being alone with her anymore."

"Chandler!"

"She doesn't love me!" he insisted. "It's like I'm nothing more than some appendage to her, nothing more than a sperm donor. I can't even remember why we were ever friends in the first place, besides her being Ross's sister."

"Chandler, you liked her before! You even moved into the apartment across from her, and hung out with her before I came along."

"She wasn't as bad as this before, and there was still Ross and Phoebe to take the edge off. Sometimes I think that Monica didn't go back to Richard just because she can't boss him around like she does me."

Joey got upset. "But how can you fake all that love, huh? You must have loved her once. How could you fool all of us, and her? All those kisses and looks and everything?"

Chandler shrugged and said miserably, "Every time I tell her I love her and stuff, I'm pretending that I'm talking to you."

Appalled, Joey frowned and looked away uncomfortably. He didn't know how to break this impasse.

Thinking over Joey's words, Chandler finally broke the silence. "You--you can have her if you want."

Joey turned back and stared at him in shock. "What?"

Chandler said quietly, "If you want a family, take Monica and our kid."

Joey could not believe what he was hearing. "Chandler, no! That's your wife and your baby."

"But I don't love her. I just--I just didn't want to die alone, without you. But if it would make you happy, and stop the gay rumors--"

"No, I didn't mean it like that! I don't--"

"But maybe you'd be good for Monica and the baby. Everybody said that you were great with Rachel and Emma. So you should just, you know, seduce her. Make her fall in love with you. Then we'll divorce, and you can--"

"Chandler, stop it! Stop it!" He grabbed Chandler by the arms and shook him.

Chandler gave up and collapsed against Joey's shoulder, sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just--I thought somebody should be happy. Somebody should be."

Joey caressed him tenderly and whispered, "You should be happy too." He kissed Chandler's cheek and raised his face to wipe the tears away. But as he stopped to look in Chandler's eyes, some impulse drew him closer, and he kissed Chandler's lips.

When Joey realized what he was doing, he was astonished and pulled away with shame. But Chandler was too amazed and ecstatic about his kiss to let this chance go. He dared to believe again that Joey was his soulmate. Chandler kissed him, and when Joey started to protest, he only deepened the kiss. He tasted Joey's soft mouth and ran his fingers through Joey's rough beard.

Joey melted into the kiss, but soon he came back to his senses and ended it. He stood up and shook his head. "No! No, we can't!"

"But you kissed me."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I-I don't know why I did that. I--"

"I love you." Chandler got up and tried to kiss him again, but Joey backed away.

"No, Chandler, this is wrong. You're married, and I'm--I'm not gay--"

"But you kissed me."

"I know, but--but maybe it was just because of these rumors about us. It's a mistake."

Chandler was hurt by that, but his hopes remained. "Joey, you're the one who said it was bad for us to raise a child in a loveless marriage. I'll leave her, and she can go back to Richard."

"She doesn't love him anymore," Joey protested. "And what about your baby? Oh God. I can't do this again. I can't! Not after Ross and Rachel!"

Incensed at hearing Rachel's name, Chandler viciously kicked a table over and had enough rejection. "Fine! Fine! I'll go." He went to the door and turned back toward Joey with tears in his eyes. "It's not fair. She's a selfish bitch, but you'd ignore your conscience and risk their family to be with her. You can love her, but not me." Then he left and slammed the door after him.

"Chandler!" Joey stared after him helplessly, feeling conflicted and not knowing what he should do.