Joey stayed home that day, unable to go to his auditions because of the uproar. Estelle loved the fuss, and kept talking about how they could leverage the scandal for choice parts or more money, so Joey hung up on her again.

Photographers and reporters were lining the streets outside his apartment building. He sighed and called Ross at work to ask if his lawyer could help him get a restraining order or even sue the tabloids.

Ross replied, "Well, my lawyer Russell only does divorces, but I can ask him if he knows somebody who could handle that for you."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Hey, um, how are you doing, Joe? We all kept trying to call you yesterday, but you never answered."

Because I was here kissing Chandler, Joey thought guiltily. "Um, I'm just... hiding out, you know, and I-I had to talk to my family because they got upset too."

"Oh, right. Well, have you talked to Chandler yet? Monica told us last night that he was really upset about the gossip, and wouldn't eat anything. She even called in sick for him this morning, and wants someone to go check in on him later." Ross added helpfully, "I know that you can't go anywhere, but maybe you could cheer him up over the phone and talk him into eating?"

Joey's gut wrenched with anguish about Chandler's condition. "Yeah, um, sure. Well, I-I gotta go now and, uh, call my agent. Bye." He hung up quickly, then groaned and put his head down in his hands, wondering what he could or should do. Did he dare to call and apologize again? Would that only upset Chandler more? Maybe he should leave things up to Monica and the gang.

Meanwhile, the chick and the duck had finished eating their breakfast, so they came over and made expectant noises, wanting to watch TV.

Joey didn't want turn it on, though, for fear of seeing his scandal mentioned again. "No, not now! Maybe later."

The duck quacked and waddled around petulantly, seeming to ask, "When's later?"

"I don't know. Next week?" Joey grabbed a toy and tried playing with the birds as a distraction, but he kept thinking about Chandler anyway. So he found the birds' favorite video and put it into the VCR to entertain them. They settled in front of the TV while Joey leaned back on the couch and tried to find the courage to call Chandler.

He grabbed the phone without dialing and started to practice what he'd say. "Chandler, look, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to, and I won't do anything like that ever again." But maybe that would just send Chandler into despair and tears. He had wanted that those kisses so much. "Chandler, please have something to eat. I'm so worried about you, and I'm sorry."

While Joey rehearsed these words, the birds turned around and stared at him oddly. He wondered why they had lost interest in the TV. "What, I can't talk to myself?" He shrugged and continued, "Chandler, I--"

The birds reacted again to the name, and the rooster crowed.

Joey told them, "No, no, Chandler's not coming over. I just gotta call him in a minute." Then he began again, "Um, Chandler, that kiss was--"

This time the birds reacted to the word "kiss" with shock, pestering him about how it happened. The duck even seemed offended that they didn't know about this kiss before. (They had been locked up in the other room at the time.)

"Yeah, I-I kissed him, all right?" Joey admitted defensively. "What do you think he left here crying about yesterday?"

"You made him cry!" Clearly in a huff, the birds were even flapping their wings now.

Feeling hounded by their disapproving clucks and quacks, Joey finally got up and went into his bedroom with the phone. He rehearsed several more times, but still could not decide what to say because he kept imagining Chandler sobbing again, or even getting mad at him and yelling about Rachel before hanging up.

So Joey gave up and tossed down the phone, lying back on his bed with a sigh. He just hoped that their other friends would be able to comfort Chandler and get him to eat, as well as keep him from smoking again.

The chick and duck were still loud and excitable in the living room, and Joey wondered why they had seemed so upset with him, but then he realized that it was probably his own guilty conscience bothering him, and he was imagining it. Man, he really needed to get away from here!

If only he could just walk outside for a while, or go to the park, without anybody following him. Or even go hang out on his boat at the marina--but of course, Joey had sold the Mr. Bowmont already.

(When he had run off to L.A. three months ago, Joey thought that he had paid off all his rent and bills, but he had forgot about his boat, and the fee to keep it anchored at the marina. So when Joey came home after a month and a half, he quickly sold the Mr. Bowmont and gave the money to Chandler, because he didn't like Chandler bribing Mr. Treeger in his absence and hiring a detective. Also, the memory of Rachel trying to teach him how to sail the boat was rather bittersweet now, so he didn't want to hang onto it.)

Joey didn't know when things would ever settle down, and he was already getting a little stir-crazy in the apartment. He wished he could somehow get out of his apartment, but he would probably need some kind of diversion or decoy for that...

"Wait!" Joey thought of the stunt and body doubles that they sometimes used on TV or in the movies, so he got an idea. Looking up the number of an actor and lookalike that he knew, Joey picked up the phone and called him.

"Hello? Carl! Yeah, it's me, Joey. No, I don't wanna talk about the gossip! Um, look, do you want a job? Yeah, I got an idea for something, and I'd pay you for it. Can you come over to my apartment today so we can talk about it? Yeah, you can't miss it with all the paparrazzi. Oh, and can you bring some groceries for me? I'm running low on some stuff 'cause I just moved in, but I can't go out to the store. So if you can get it and deliver it to me, I'll give you cash for that now, and then I'll tell you about this other idea I got."

After Carl got a paper and pen handy, Joey rattled off a shopping list and told Carl his apartment number. Then he hung up and waited for Carl to arrive. He hoped that Carl still looked enough like him that they could do a switch. Joey might even have to shave his beard off as part of the disguise. Carl would have to agree to stay and watch the birds too, and Joey just hoped that Carl wouldn't mess things up somehow, like he did when they were going to play brothers for a Minute Maid commercial or tried to be identical twins for a research study.

When Rachel told her about her husband's mean and crazy behavior, Monica reluctantly decided to wrap things up at the restaurant and come home. "I'm so sorry, Rach! I don't know what's gotten into him. Why don't you just go home now? I'll straighten him out and make him apologize to you soon."

"Okay," Rachel sniffled and pouted. "Will you, will you buy me new shoes too?"

"Oh, um, sure, or I'll give you a pair of mine. Do you think you sprained anything, or can you get home all right?"

"I-I think I'll call Ross for help. NYU's closer than Phoebe's massage place."

"All right, but tell Ross not to use his key to, like, go inside and kick Chandler's ass or anything. I'll handle him myself, okay? I'm sure that he's just stressed out about the rumors and the paparazzi."

"Okay. Bye." Rachel hung up, then called Ralph Lauren to tell them that she had an accident and couldn't come back to work today. (She had only left the office for a little while to check on Chandler and maybe eat lunch with him since there were leftovers in the fridge.)

Next she pathetically called Ross, who got very upset and angry at Chandler. He reluctantly agreed not to use any violence, though, since it was more urgent to get Rachel and make sure that she was okay. Ross was glad that Emma was safe and sound in daycare now. He decided to call Joey to tell him about Chandler's erratic behavior too, but he got no answer and had to leave a message.

Joey opened his apartment door. "Hey! So you made it through the paparrazzi okay?"

"Yeah," Carl chuckled and came in, enjoying his brush with fame. "They were even filming me buzzing your apartment, so maybe I'll end up on TV too." Carl still looked somewhat like Joey, but without the beard.

Joey thanked him for the groceries, and they put everything away in the kitchen. Then he paid Carl for the grocery bill, and invited him to sit down in the living room. They tried to discuss Joey's idea of doubles, but the birds noisily clamored for attention, so Joey had to shoo them into their room.

"Sorry. I think they're cranky today."

"Do they want to go outside or something?"

"No, it's too cold right now, and I already built them some nests and got a balcony for them. They acted like they wanted to watch TV earlier, but they changed their minds or something. Um, speaking of going outside, though, I really want to get out of here, you know?"

"You do?"

Joey then told him his idea that he could shave, switch clothes with Carl, and sneak out without anybody knowing he was gone. "And then you could hang out here until I get back. Just go look out the window at the reporters sometimes, so they'll think I'm still here. You could also help yourself to the food, and maybe watch stuff on my big TV. The only thing is that you can't tell anybody else about this or answer the phone, 'cause then you'd spill the secret."

"Should I just let the machine get the phone?"

"Yeah. I'd tell my family and friends to call my cell phone if it's important. The birds can mostly take care of themselves, too, but if they go into the bathroom, it's usually because the duck wants you to fill up the tub so he can swim."

Carl seemed agreeable, so they negotiated how much Joey would pay him, and how long Joey would need him to stay.

"Well, let's just try it for an hour right now to see if it even works at all, and then we can think about doing it again if I need to get out later."

"Okay."

In his room, Joey took off his clothes and left them on the bed for Carl, while he put on a robe and went to the bathroom to shave. When he emerged again and changed into Carl's clothes, Joey was stunned by how much Carl looked like him.

"I look like a star, huh?" Carl said with a laugh, and suggested that Joey recommend him to be his double if he got another big movie or TV show.

"Uh, yeah." For a moment Joey wondered privately if Carl might be gay, and if so, could he help Chandler get over Joey? But no, that was a crazy idea, and certainly not helpful to poor Monica and the baby. So Joey sternly dismissed the thought and said, "See ya." He put on a pair of dark sunglasses, then he left the apartment.