PlayStation AllStars Assemble
Chapter 2: Training and First Victory
"Good mornin' sunshine" Axton said, greeting Lara Croft as he wandered down the halls of The Network throne hall
"Hello Axton. Prepared for our first mission?" Lara asked
"Wait, what? I thought the mask guy said we were training" Axton spat, confused
"The mission is part of the training, numbnuts" Maya said cheerfully, smacking Axton up the head
"Hey guys! Ms. Moxxi made breakfast for all of us" Crash said, as everyone sat down and dug in
"so, you're the God of War, huh? Gotta say, nice blades" Nisha said
"Your politeness is very much appreciated, Nisha Kadam" Kratos spoke
"So how'd you and Bats make up?" Kelly asked
"eh, it's a long story, kiddo" Two-Face replied
"I PITY THE FOOL! I PITY THAT CRACKER JACK WHO KILLED MY HOMIE CLAPTRAP! WE ARE GONNA MAKE HIM PAY FOR HIS SINS AGAINST ALL GAMEKIND, CORRUPTING THE NETWORK'S WORLD TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK, BY ORACLE ALMIGHTY, THERE WILL BE A CRUNCH OF JUSTICE!" Crunch shouted dramatically, sounding very, very much like Mr. T
"and… uh…. How are we gonna do that?" Axton asked nervously
"LEMME ASK YOU BOY; DO YOU KNOW WHAT DAT SATELLITE UP IN THE SKY DOES?" Crunch asked
"um, uh, uh…" Axton stammered
"AAH! YOU PAUSED. I'MMA TELL YA! WE GONNA BLOW DAT MOTHERFUCKER UP" Crunch said
"…Whoa." Veronica said in awe
"I couldn't understand a word he said" Westmoreland said
"me too. He sounds like a pastor" Campbell remarked
"to be relative, all we gotta do is plant a grade-A thermonuclear bomb in the core of the moonshot satellite and detonate when we're back on ground" EDI spoke
"oh… um, uh… that'd be great…" Axton said nervously
"AN GUESS WHO'S PLANTIN DE BOMB?" Crunch grinned
"ugh… Me" Axton moaned
"AN GUESS WHO'S COMIN WITH YOU?" Crunch asked
"Ugh… you" Axton groaned
"DA'S RIGHT! IMMA BE YOUR LIL GREEN CRICKET, GIVIN YA ADVICE ASK ME WHAT I SHOULD DO" Crunch bellowed
"Green cricket, what should I do?" Axton asked sarcastically
"Don't fuck up" Crunch answered
"…what?" Axton said
"Seriously, don't fuck up" Maya said, patting Axton on the shoulder
"so… you guys are comin' with us, right?" Axton said nervously
"really? You want several men, women and some adolescent children to sneak onboard a highly lethal satellite, blow it up and capture a very, very, VERY dangerous man?" Lilith asked
"…yeah" Axton said
One minute later…
"those dirty, rotten, backstabbing…" Axton grumbled as he and Crunch flew upward to the Hyperion satellite
"Ok, set the timer for 10 minutes. Then we bounce like titties, baby" Crunch said
"speakin' of titties, when we get back, Maya and I are gonna have a serious…" Axton said before gibbering
Hey… hey Axton?
Don't do that whole blowing up the satellite thing
That's a bad
"why? Who… are you?" Axton gasped
Well I could tell you… bye
"Blegh!" Axton gibbered
"Whaddya mean blah?" Crunch snapped
"I… I heard a voice in my head. It told me not to blow this satellite up" Axton explained
"hmmm, either you drunk, you lying and makin' it up, or you crazy. Reeaaaalllly crazy, like I don't trust you with the bomb crazy" Crunch said
"well, then it's a good thing I aint crazy" Axton replied, giggling insanely
"good. Now do as I told ya and don't fuck up" Crunch barked
Hyperion security breach, fifteen bodies found in the Hyperion airport area
"DID YOU FUCK UP?!" Crunch hollered
"I…. might have fucked up, yes" Axton replied just as Wilhelm appeared
"Ok soldier boy, show me whatcha got!" Crunch said
"Time to cut this bucket of bolts down to size" Axton joked, slicing Wilhelm with his machete
"…Wow" Crunch deadpanned
"oh trust me my skills are one of a kind" Axton bragged, doing the same attack
"are they really?" Crunch asked
"trust me. I was in DAHL" Axton said
"right now that fact is scarin' me and these loaders; they can LITERALLY sense fear!" Crunch gasped as Wilhelm scanned them
"see that? It KNOWS im afraid" Crunch replied
"so… what should I do?" Axton asked
"TRY… SOMETHING… DIFFERENT" Crunch bellowed, Axton using Bolt to electrocute Wilhelm
"now insert the wires…" Crunch spoke
"I know…" Axton moaned
"make sure the charges are set…" Crunch added
"I know!" Axton snapped
"now set the timer for 10 minutes" Crunch ordered
"Fine!" Axton snapped, activating the timer for five minutes
"Ooohhhhhh…." Crunch gasped
"Sssssshhit" Axton cursed
"do not…" Crunch started
"I can fix this…" Axton said
"DO NOT TOUCH IT AGAIN!" Crunch yelled as Axton accidentally set it to one minute
"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….." Crunch growled
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH" Axton screamed, running for his life, even bowling over Handsome Jack
"Hey! What the fuck? Put me down, you shithead" Jack snarled
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANNA FUCK, WE GOTTA GO" Axton said rapidly
"…WHAT?!" Jack said outraged
"no time for this" Axton babbled, fighting Hyperion engineers
"Hey, how'd the mission go?" Mordecai asked
"I-I think something went wrong" Axton babbled
"SOLDIER BOY FUCKED UP" Crunch said quickly, shoving Jack into the trunk as he pulled Axton into the ship and flew off just as the satellite blew up with a tremendous explosion
Back at The Network…
"well, they're back and lookie here guys and gals, here comes our first victim" Two-Face growled as Crunch roughly tossed Handsome Jack at the feet of the All-Stars
"Sup?" Lilith smirked, everyone glaring at him menacingly, aiming all their weapons at him
"Uh… you wanna get rich? I can give you everything, EVERYTHING" Handsome Jack babbled
"tell us where the big bad birdie is and maybe we won't put a bullet in your skull" Bethany said
"I… I don't know anything. That son of a bitch used me!" Jack said, showing his talon marks on his wrist
"Oh… then that means you'll die in three minutes from blood loss. According to the medical book, a slit from the wrist is guaranteeable the subject will die" EDI spoke
"Oh… shit" Jack said, before coughing up blood and pus all over the floor
"EWWWW! That's gross" Bethany said in disgust
"Ugh… go… to… New Zealand… find… Raleigh…" Handsome Jack gasped before flipping them off
"That's it" Lilith said, blowing his head off completely with one blast
"Wow. I'm really not cleaning that up" Lydia joked
"Well, this counts as a first victory for the All-Stars" Superman announced
"WOOHOO! The world is saved, we win!" Daxter cheered
"Daxter… Handsome Jack may be defeated but Clockwerk and his henchmen are still active" Wonder Woman reminded
"Ohhhhh…" Daxter moaned
"Wait a sec… is it the real Handsome Jack… or a fake one?" Mordecai asked
"Do you want short or long answer?" Kelly asked
"Eh, either one" Mordecai answered
"Real one" Kelly quickly answered
"What… but… how did you know?" Mordecai asked
"this" Kelly said, removing a circuit chip off of Jack's bloodied head
"I recognize that. It's a Brain Draining Idiot-Inducing Microchip" Miranda said
"Wow cheerleader when did you start usin your brain?" Jack smirked
"Some time ago" Miranda said
"But he gave us a clue to Clockwerk's next Mook. He said Raleigh." Axton said
"Sir Raleigh the Frog, chief inventor of The Fiendish Five" Carmelita answered
"And lemme guess, we're gonna drive all the way out there and find him, right?" Gaige asked
"yes" Lilith said
"Shotgun" Axton said
"Shotgun- aw, fuck!" Salvador cursed
One long drive later…
"Oh for Andraste's sakes Axton, will you quit puking?" Cassandra groaned in disgust
"ugh… I get queasy on car rides… especially in places so ugly…" Axton moaned
"is Raleigh related to Kermit the Frog?" Kelly asked, Carmelita stifling a giggle
"no, sweetie, he isn't. also, he really, really, REALLY hates being mistaken for a Muppet" Neyla said
"Ok, let's vamanose y'all. C'mon, move, move, move! Now, now, now!" Crunch barked
"Oui mon capitain" Axton said sarcastically, Crash aiming his fruit bazooka at Axton's back
"move it or lose it, smart-ass" Crash snarled, Axton gulping as he dashed over the fence
"ooh! Bugs!" Banjo cheered, rushing over to a hive
"um, that's a beehive" Neyla said, before a screaming Banjo ran for his life, chased by a swarm of angry bees
"I warned him" Neyla remarked
"That is actually pretty funny" Wonder Woman said, giggling
"HHAHAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!" Joker cackled maniacally, appearing before the All-Stars
"AAAAAHHHH! SCARY CLOWN!" Bethany shrieked, using Lilith as a meat shield
"Uh, Mister J, you're gonna trip over the-WHOOOOAAAAAAA!" Harley screamed as she and Joker fell down, down, down into the icy watery ravine
"Wowza. That's a splash" Hawke remarked
"Well said, sister" Elissa replied
"Wait a minute… you're triplets?" Axton asked
"Yes. Marian's butch, Elissa's lipstick and Serah's straight" Bethany explained
"Um, pardon me, not to interrupt, but the storm's picking up, so we realllyyy need to get going" Maya piped up
"I agree with Ms. Maya. She should be the new leader" Lydia said
"Yeah! She's very strong… and really pretty" Bethany piped up
"Ugh… very well" Ezio sighed
"Yes! Promotion!" Maya exclaimed, fist-bumping Lilith
"ok lady, you're the boss. What do you want us to do?" Two-Face asked gruffly, everyone staring at Maya
"Let's go make Raleigh croak" Maya boasted, phaseblasting a way open to Raleigh's ship
"Hmm… methinks Maya may be a more powerful Siren than you, my fair lady" Fortesque commented to Lilith
"You may be right Dan, we'll have to wait and see" Lilith replied as she took out some of Raleigh's Mooks
"Ok, we're here" Huntress said as everyone snuck onboard Raleigh's massive pirate ship
"so, what's the plan, boss?" Coco asked Maya
"we find shelter in order to plan our next phase of action. Ezio, set up the Fast Travel Station in the hold; Gaige, you and Coco activate the teleporters to The Network in case of emergencies or shortage of food and drinks; Batman, you and Harvey scout ahead and see if there's a way to reach Raleigh; Neyla, you and Carmelita take the light switches and see if they can disable security. All right All-Stars, move out!" Maya ordered
"Ma'am, yes, ma'am!" everyone responded, heading off to do their chores
"Lydia, I'm in need of a second in command. Do you have what it takes?" Maya asked
"I'm an excellent follower" Lydia replied
"fair enough. I hereby title thee Imperator Lydia of the All-Stars" Maya declared, crowning Lydia with oil on her head as she gave Lydia her official War Game uniform
"WE ARE WAR GAMES!" Axton chanted, as he and the All-Stars lowered the War Rig onto the deck
"WAR GAMES!" the Crimson Raiders repeated
"KAMAKRAZEE WAR GAMES!" Axton chanted, as soldiers scrambled up the rig to hook on the tanker
"WAR GAMES!" the soldiers repeated
"FUCACIMA KAMAKRAZEE WAR GAMES!" Axton finished, the tanker connecting to the rig with a resounding clink
Later that night…
"Ok sweetie, electric fields are down, laser lights are off, all the security defense systems are officially out of commission" Light Switch 1 announced
"Very good, you two are becoming very accurate at your jobs" Maya responded
"It's our pleasure honey. Me and the ice queen are really starting to get along" Light Switch 2 commented
"Hey! Boss! Over here!" Westmoreland and Campbell shouted
"what is it?" Maya asked
"we found a way up to Raleigh" Campbell announced
"it's totally foolproof; one of us gets into this cannon, we aim it at that blimp, fire that someone into the blimp and bye-bye big ugly frog" Westmoreland said
"hmm… since Sly here has the knowhow on the Fiendish Five considering he beat them before; I nominate him for the job" Maya said
"I second it" Carmelita added
"Me three" Bethany piped up
"everyone agrees?" Maya asked, everyone showing hands
"well, here goes nothing" Sly said, getting into the cannon as Westmoreland and Campbell aimed it
"cover your ears guys" Campbell said, lighting the fuse
BOOM!
"He's going… going… he's OUTTA THERE!" Campbell shouted like an announcer at a baseball game
"Sly, come in. you alright?" Maya asked
"yup, right as rain boss. Geez-a-loo, this one's gotten pudgier last we met" Sly responded through this ECHO
"uh-oh" Neyla gulped as the ship vibrated
"um, guys? How many here have ever seen James Cameron's Titanic?" Bethany asked, a few raising hands
"um, yes, why?" Green Arrow asked
"ok, um, you remember that part when the ship hits the iceberg?" Bethany asked nervously
"yeah. What you getting at, girlie?" Crunch asked
"well.. the blimp's heading right for us" Bethany said meekly
"oh shit" Axton said as the blimp/storm machine was indeed heading in their direction
"Gogogogogogogo!" Two-Face said rapidly, pulling Sly out of the blimp as the All-Stars hopped into the War Rig and rode off before the blimp and Raleigh's ship along with Raleigh himself sank into the Welsh Triangle
"Phew! Talk about a close circuit!" Light Switch 1 exclaimed
"Yeah. At least we're heading somewhere with more warmer climate" Light Switch 2 responded
"next stop: Muggshot. Clockwerk's muscle man and head of gambling and counterfeit operations. We're goin' to Mesa City. Duke, you and the Olsom Twins are up for this mission. Think you guys can handle it?" Maya asked
"Absotively posolutely ma'am. Me and my sis never leave Duke's side" Kate said lewdly
"Ok, we'll be in touch through your ECHO. Once Muggshot's taken out, use the Fast Travel to get back here so we can plan our next move. Ok, good luck" Maya said as Duke and the Twins stepped out
"Wow. Looks like it's time to kill" Duke said smugly, loading his trusty twin Desert Eagle pistols as he and the girls jumped, moved, ran and shot through every area of Mesa City until they reached the casino
"We're in position and prepared for ignition" Duke said through his ECHO
"Excellent. I'll send Jak, Daxter and Kratos to help you with Muggshot" Maya responded just as the four beamed in
"Ok, let's rock n' roll people, we're on the clock" Jak barked, gunning down Muggshot's hit dogs as they took the elevator up to his penthouse
"what? My boys have been yapping about some screwy bunch of screwballs making a ruckus… and this is it? An elf boy, a bald man with war paint on his face, a big beefy guy in shades, two sissy girls and a talking orange rat. Wait a sec… I know you guys… you're the All-Stars! Y'know, I heard a LOT about you guys after you knocked Handsome Jack's block off. Even the big bad bird was impressed" Muggshot said
"really? *Clockwerk* is amused that we killed his own henchman?" Mary asked
"Yup. Turns out Clockwerk is the real shining face of Hyperion. Jack was just the fall guy. That thing in Elpis, that mix up with the Vault Key, all that jazz… he was the fall guy. Clockwerk's the brains of the entire operation" Muggshot declared
"what a twist" Daxter said, impersonating M. Night Shyamalan
"good one, Daxter" Jak chuckled, giving him a knuckle bump
"so, you're gonna turn yourself in quietly?" Maya asked, arriving
"yeah, pretty much, since I kinda hate it here anyway. Plus Clockwerk is kind of an asshole, he keeps rambling about how he hates the Coopers and all that… geez it gets so annoying. So, you got me. Now you gotta find Mz. Ruby. And I'm warning you, she's got some very, very bad mojo. So don't say I didn't warn ya" Muggshot said as Crimson Raiders placed him in the holding cell aboard the War Rig
"perhaps if you can cooperate with us, we may be able to let you off for good behavior. I *am* an attorney, after all" Two-Face offered
"sure thing" Muggshot answered
In Haiti…
"I must say Ms. Nisha it is very civilized and ladylike of you to accompany me on this venture" Fortesque said eloquently as he and the ex-Sherriff trekked through the murky swamplands
"The pleasure's all mine Daniel. What do you plan on doing when all this is over?" Nisha asked
"well, all due respect, I'd prefer to stay with you chaps. You're a much jollier bunch than the snotty gits from my town" Fortesque answered
"that's the plan Daniel. Once Clockwerk's dead and the Prime Trophy's saved, we all move into Sanctuary as our new HQ" Maya said through her ECHO
"ah. Splendid, old girl, splendid indeed. Well, Ms. Nisha, ladies first" Fortesque said gentlemanly, allowing Nisha to slide down on the vine
"why thank you, you really are a distinguished Englishman" Nisha responded as the two newly made friends encountered Mz. Ruby's voodoo rats
"Careful love. They'll shrink your head like a pea before you can say Bob's your uncle" Fortesque whispered
"don't worry. Nobody can touch me" Nisha said honestly, taking out her six-shooter and taking down all the rats in just five seconds
"Bravo! Well done, old girl!" Fortesque exclaimed proudly as he stepped over the corpses
"Now, onto finding our black magic alligator friend…" Fortesque said as he and Nisha levitated into Mz. Ruby's lair to see her speaking in tongues, babbling unintelligible gibberish
"Oh, um, something I forgot to tell yous. You see, Clockwerk couldn't stand Mz. Ruby's whining anymore, so he casted a Babble spell on her to make her speak incoherently permanently. Oh and it also stripped her of her powers" Muggshot piped up through the ECHO
"hmmm… this is a bit of a muddle. Nisha, do you see those stalagmites up there?" Fortesque asked, pointing upward
"Mm-hmm" Nisha responded, chambering several rounds in her six shooter and firing instantly, causing a chunk of the ceiling to crash down on Mz. Ruby, killing her instantly
"Oh. Well, jolly good job!" Fortesque said congratulatory, Nisha shaking Daniel's skeletal hand
"Ok y'all, let's biggity bounce down to Gotham City. Bats here says he knows Clockwerk's next Mook and what he's planning. So if y'all are done mucking around in the muck, get your asses down here!" Crunch ordered through the ECHO
"Right-o" Fortesque answered, he and Nisha hopping into the War Rig as they left Haiti and drove off to Gotham