To Lara Cox: Chandler has believed all along that Monica was settling for him and that she didn't love him. You've misread the entire story. He's certainly pathetic, damaged, and delusional, but he gave her what he thought she wanted. He thought that she gave up on ever having true love, just like he did. Chandler is also mad at her for becoming more mean and freaky over the years, which I think would upset anyone, in love or not.

For your information, I have written stories where Chandler was gay but nice to her, and where he did love her but fell in love with Joey later. But I'm not doing that this time. That's my choice. And I don't feel any need to "respect" the Monica/Chandler relationship in a story that's not about them. The Friends writers certainly didn't respect Chandler in that relationship.

Chandler instinctively went across the hall and tried to open the door before realizing that his old apartment didn't belong to anybody he knew anymore; the new tenants used the new locks because they didn't have an open-door policy with their neighbors. It was still hard to get used to, and in his addled state, he had forgotten.

So Chandler walked on and went downstairs. He wanted to get drunk and chain smoke, so he decided to find Mr. Treeger and ask him to buy some cigarettes and beer for him. Then maybe he could go enjoy them on the roof, away from Monica or the paparazzi.

Monica would have followed after Chandler, but she was six months pregnant and found it hard to get up, let alone run. She also felt shell-shocked, and her baby even started to kick, as if it was upset too. So Monica stayed on the couch and sadly caressed the bump of her belly. She cried and struggled to understand what Chandler had said to her--that Joey had kissed him, that he was gay, that he'd been "settling" for their "loveless marriage," and that he now wanted a divorce.

Even more distressing was his accusation or assumption that she'd been settling for him as well, that she didn't love him, and that she had been too controlling and neurotic. She didn't think that she'd behaved that badly, and even if she had, why would he agree to marry her and give her a baby?

But then she realized that it must have something to do with Joey. Were the rumors really true, then? Was she a sham wife? A beard? Oh God, how long had this been going on?

Monica grabbed the phone and called Ross and Rachel for comfort.

When Ross answered his cell phone, he said that he and Rachel were waiting at the hospital to get an x-ray, just in case. "Have you talked to Chandler, yet? Did he apologize?"

She shook her head and sobbed. "He--he was horrible and crazy..."

"Oh, Mon, I'm sorry," Ross murmured sympathetically. "You want me to come over and kick his ass?"

"Can you--can you come here after the hospital?

"Sure. I'll see you soon, Mon. It's gonna be okay."

She whimpered as she hung up, then called Phoebe, even knowing that she wouldn't answer while at work. Monica left a tearful message on her voicemail. "Chandler--Chandler left me. He wants a divorce. What am I gonna do?"

Meanwhile, Joey got on a bus and headed home after lunch, still feeling melancholy. He sneaked back into his building, then hurried upstairs. As he let himself into his apartment, he greeted Carl and said, "It worked. Nobody recognized me."

"Great!" Then Carl told him, "Hey, I think one of your friends called while you were out. His name was Ross, and he left a message for you."

"Oh, okay." Joey went over to the answering machine and pushed play.

"Joey? Are you screening calls? It's me, Ross." After a pause, he continued, "Um, I think you really need to talk to Chandler soon. Rachel just went over to check on him, and he was acting crazy and mean. He even threw her out and took her apartment key! Anyway, I'm going to go help her and make sure that she's all right. Bye."

Joey frowned and began to worry. It had not even occurred to him that Monica might send Rachel to check on Chandler; he'd thought it would be Ross or Phoebe. But of course, Monica didn't know about Chandler's rabid jealousy.

Carl finished his lunch and gave some scraps of bread to the birds. Then he asked, "Hey, is this the Rachel who says that she dated you?" He had been watching the gossip reports on TV, and he was curious.

"Uh, never mind," Joey said, and changed the subject. "So, um, I'll pay you, and then we can go switch clothes again."

"Okay." But Carl looked considerably disappointed.

Joey told him sternly, "Carl! It's private, and I don't wanna talk about it. Are you gonna go blabbing to the tabloids? 'Cause if I can't trust you, then I might as well ask some cousin of mine to switch with me instead."

Carl apologized, "No, no! You can trust me, Joey. I-I won't ruin this like the Minute Maid commercial. I want this job."

"Good!" So Joey paid him with a check. After Carl thanked him, Joey showed him the fake beards that he bought. "I think we can use these, you know, whenever we switch."

"Yeah, sure."

"Well, I'll go change now." Joey went into his bedroom again, while Carl waited in the living room and played around with the fake beards.

Joey stripped and left Carl's clothes on the bed. When he was down to his underwear, he took off his boxers and put them back in his drawer. He had not been wearing underwear before the switch, but he didn't want to "go commando in another man's fatigues." The only exceptions he made to this rule were whenever he wore Chandler's clothes; Joey had done it sometimes by accident when their laundry got mixed up, and sometimes on purpose. In fact, he once did lunges while wearing all of Chandler's clothes.

As he put on a robe and tied it, Joey wondered whether he had unintentionally teased Chandler by saying he was a little too comfortable when Chandler sat on him in the chair. There were so many little incidents like that, which he wished that Chandler would explain to him now. Joey had already asked him about some things already, but he spent most of the past two months asking Chandler about Monica instead.

The phone rang in the living room, so Carl came to the door and knocked. "You wanna get that or wait for the machine?"

"Just a second." Joey came out of the room, and let Carl go in to change clothes.

Joey sat down on the couch and answered the phone somewhat nervously. "Hello?"

Monica wailed, "What the hell did you do!"

He had to jerk the phone back from his ear. "Monica?"

She shouted, "He said you kissed him yesterday! Is that true?"

Joey gulped and grimaced, wondering how much Chandler had told her. "Um, uh, I'm--I'm so sorry, Monica!"

"You bastard! And--and to think that I defended you to the tabloids!" She bawled. "How could you!"

"No, no! Monica, it's not like that. I mean, it was an accident. It--it was because of the gossip, and--"

"What do you mean?"

Joey sighed and wasn't sure where to begin. He also felt self-conscious because he was only wearing a robe now. "I, um, I asked him to come over yesterday when I first heard the rumors, and he got upset, and I-I--"

Carl emerged from the bedroom then, which made Joey jump and break off.

Monica complained, "Joey!"

"Uh, just a second!"

Carl started to ask when Joey might need him again, but Joey replied dismissively, "I don't know. I'll call you. Thanks," and hurried him out the door.

When he was gone, Joey quickly locked the door and finally answered Monica, "I'm sorry. I'm back."

"Tell me what the hell happened!" she demanded.

"Okay, okay!" He sat down again and struggled to explain, "Look, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and, uh, talk to him about what we could do to stop the gay rumors. But--but he blamed himself, and even started crying..."

"So you kissed him!"

"Not right away! He, uh, he said I should start dating again and that we should stop seeing each other."

She found that phrase suspicious. "You've been having an affair? For how long?"

"We haven't!" Joey insisted. "We've only kissed a couple of times!"

"Oh, that's comforting!" she replied scornfully. "You should have stayed away from him, you sleazy rat!"

Joey told her helplessly, "But he came to me, Monica! He found me in L.A."

"And what happened there? You're telling me that you didn't really sleep together, like the hotel maids say?"

"We only slept! No sex. I'm not gay, Mon."

She sobbed in despair. "But he is! He just told me he was gay, and then he left me."

Joey got upset. "He--he what?"

"He said he wanted a divorce! That we had a loveless marriage, and he'd only settled for me. That he was dead inside, until you kissed him."

"Oh God," Joey gulped and couldn't handle this.

Monica asked miserably, "Why would you kiss him, Joey, if you're not gay?"

He apologized again. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to. I, uh, think I've just been mixed up by these rumors, and knowing that he was gay..."

"You knew he was gay?"

Joey nodded, though she couldn't see him. "Yeah. Um, the thing is, that--that Chandler kissed me and said he was in love with me."

"I thought you kissed him?"

"I kissed him yesterday. He kissed me that night in L.A., and he said that he secretly loved me for years."

"In L.A.!" she raised her voice in outrage. "That was almost two months ago, Joey! Why the hell couldn't you tell me all this before?"

"He said that you didn't love him either. That you were just pretending. That you only got married because you didn't trust Richard's proposal, and you wanted to have a baby. He said that he gave up on me in London and didn't want to die alone."

After another choked sob, she said, "He's crazy!"

Joey frowned and sighed. "I-I know. I didn't know what to think, Monica, and after he went home, I got worried about him and you and the baby. That's why I had to come back to New York."

"No you didn't!" Her rage returned. "You shouldn't have come back! You should have called me or the others and let us deal with him. You've only encouraged him by coming back and keeping his secret."

Joey was stunned, not having thought of it like that. "But I was trying to help--"

"And then you kissed him yesterday! What the hell's wrong with you?"

Joey winced and scratched his head. "It's--it's just that we got into this fight about you, Mon! I told him how you said you loved him and didn't want to be with Richard. I wanted him to try to love you too, but he only said mean stuff about you again. I said that he didn't appreciate you, that I wish I had a wife and a baby on the way. But then he said how--how if I want a family that much, then I should take you guys."

"Wh-what?" Even with all the shocking things that Chandler had said to her already, this topped them.

Joey groaned and hated hurting her like this. "He said that I should, um, seduce you and break up your marriage. I was so... horrified, and I made him stop it, but he cried and said that he just wanted me to be happy. And I hugged him and said I wanted him to be happy too. And I... kissed him."

"You love him too!"

"What? No, Mon--"

"You love him! You bastard! You didn't even tell me any of this stuff when you came home, or in all the weeks since then! I even let you go out with him all the time, thinking that you were so heartbroken about Rachel, and you needed him..." She cried bitterly at the irony. "And you had the nerve to wait until after you moved into your new apartment to start asking me about whether I loved him! You couldn't even tell me about L.A. then!"

Before Joey could reply, she hung up on him. He didn't know what to do, but looked up when he heard the chick and the duck approaching. They seemed to be glaring at him now and making stern noises as if they fully agreed with Monica's assessment.

"Sheesh! I must be going nuts!" Shaking his head with guilt, Joey put down the phone and went back into his bedroom to get dressed.

As Chandler waited on the stairs for Mr. Treeger to come back, he glanced at the nearby storage room, where all the building's residents kept their extra possessions and periodically put their boxes of clothes that were out of season. Chandler stood at the door and touched it, remembering when he had briefly stored Joey's furniture here.

Back in November, Chandler had bribed Mr. Treeger to keep Joey's old apartment free and untouched, because he planned to find Joey and convince him to come back home soon. This arrangement was also useful whenever he wanted to get away from Monica, because he could hang out at the old apartment and even smoke there. Chandler couldn't stay the night, though, knowing that Joey and Rachel had sex in those beds.

But once he saw Joey in L.A., Chandler returned in defeat and told Treeger that he could rent out the apartment now. So Treeger decided to clear out the furniture and fix things up for the new tenants. He asked Chandler whether he wanted the furniture, and Chandler did, but Monica protested that they didn't have any room in their apartment, so they should sell it all. Chandler got upset with her, and he was determined not to lose this fight too, so he had everything put into storage, saying that Joey might change his mind and want his stuff sent to him later, once he got an apartment.

For the next two weeks, when he still believed that Joey would never return, Chandler became depressed by seeing the various workers clean and repair the apartment, even giving it a fresh coat of paint, as if erasing their past there. Sometimes Chandler would go to the storage room to look at Joey's furniture and relive the memories. He'd lovingly touch the foosball table or sit in Joey's recliner and cry. After Joey decided to move home again, Chandler was much happy. Then Joey's real estate agent found a new apartment for him, so he finally took back all of his stuff.

Interrupting Chandler's reverie, Mr. Treeger arrived with a bag full of beer and cigarettes from the nearest store. "Here's your change."

"Thanks."

"Do you need any help taking it back upstairs? You look a little pale." Treeger wondered whether he should be worried about Chandler, what with the scandal and everything, but maybe it was none of his business.

"No thanks." Chandler put down the bag and already opened a pack of cigarettes so that he could start smoking.

Treeger shrugged and said, "Okay. Well, I'll go fix that sink for Mrs. Katrakis now." Treeger grabbed his tool belt from his apartment, then headed upstairs.

Taking his first puff of smoke in two months, Chandler looked at the storage room door again and wished that Joey's furniture was still there.

At home, Monica still wept and waited for Ross and Rachel to arrive. She also wondered whether Chandler might change his mind and come back, once he realized that he had nowhere to go with the paparazzi outside. But if he did return, would he only say cruel, crazy things again? Was there any way to reason with him?

Finally, Ross and Rachel left the hospital together. Rachel's ankle was just sprained, aggravating her old injury from when she fell off the balcony, and she was a bit wary of seeing Chandler again, but when Ross told her about Monica crying on the phone, she was willing to risk it.

As she and Ross entered the apartment, they glanced around, then rushed over to hug Monica on the couch.

Ross was very upset to see his sister crying so hard, and he feared that Chandler might have treated her roughly too. He spoke furiously, "Where is he! Did he hurt you?" He started for the bedroom.

Monica moaned that Chandler wasn't here. "He's gone! He's left me!"

"What?" Rachel asked.

Monica answered in a strained, high-pitched voice that only Rachel could understand. Confused, Ross sat down next to them and waited for Rachel to translate Monica's tear-filled words. In this halting manner, they slowly learned the details of Monica's fight with Chandler, and her later conversation with Joey.

Rachel was stunned. "Oh my God!"

"And Joey kissed him? Then--then these rumors are true?" Ross couldn't believe this. "But how could they do this to you?"

Monica just whimpered in Rachel's arms.

Ross asked sternly, "Hey, where's Chandler anyway? He's been gone a long time, and we didn't see him when we came upstairs." Getting suspicious, Ross picked up the phone and called Joey.

"Hello?"

Ross yelled at him. "Monica told us what you did, Joey! I oughta kick your ass!"

"I'm sorry!" Joey answered helplessly. "But we weren't cheating--"

"I don't believe you! This is why you wanted to talk to my divorce lawyer, isn't it?"

"No, I--"

"Shut up! Is he there with you now!"

"What?"

"Chandler hasn't come back yet. Did he run off to your apartment?"

"No! No! I mean, he couldn't even get near this place with all the paparazzi outside..."

"He got in just fine yesterday. Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not lying! They--they didn't know my new address yet when he came over yesterday. I swear, he hasn't come back here, Ross." Joey sounded worried. "You guys really haven't seen him?"

"No, he walked out on Monica an hour ago, and she couldn't follow him because she's pregnant." Ross growled with outrage. "You do know that she's pregnant, don't you!"

"Yeah, I do!" Joey replied. "That's why I told him that we couldn't do this. Couldn't break up the family--"

"It's already broken up!" Ross scolded him. "He's talking about divorce, and abandoning her... You've wrecked everything, Joey, and caused this whole damn scandal! What the hell were you thinking?"

Joey began to cry. "I-I don't know! I just wanted to help! I'm sorry!"

Ross said, "It's too late for that!" Then he hung up.

After a moment, Monica remembered that Chandler had said that he would ask Mr. Treeger to get him beer and cigarettes, so Ross decided to go downstairs and ask Treeger where Chandler was now. Rachel remained with Monica.

Unfortunately, Mr. Treeger said that he didn't know where Chandler was. "I just assumed that he went back to his apartment. Is something wrong?"

"Everything's wrong!" Ross said bitterly. "Sorry. Thanks anyway." Then he went upstairs to tell Monica and Rachel.

Treeger assumed that Ross was referring to the scandal.

Joey cried after he hung up the phone. He felt even worse than he did when Rachel broke up with him and he decided to leave the group rather than get phased out. It was like he had crossed a big line and done something unforgivably stupid and wrong.

As the birds pestered him once again, Joey retreated to his bed and clung to Hugsy. But then it hit him that Chandler was missing. That no one knew where was. If he was upset enough to fight with Monica and say that he wanted to divorce her, even though Joey had rejected him, then he must be very upset. There was no telling what he might do.

This thought scared Joey, so he desperately grabbed the phone again and called Carl. He begged Carl to come switch with him so he could go out.

"What? So soon?"

"Yeah, um, it's an emergency. Can you help me please? Or if you're busy, I guess I could call my cousin--"

"No, I'll come!"

"Thanks! See you soon." Joey hung up and tried to calm down so that he could stop crying.

When Carl arrived, he asked Joey if he was okay.

"Uh, yeah. It's just, some stuff happened, and there was the phone call earlier..."

"Oh. Okay." Carl could see that he didn't want to get into it, so they switched clothes again.

Joey put a fake beard in his pocket, in case he needed to disguise Chandler once he found him. Assuming that he found him. Then he told Carl, "Um, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone this time. So if you need to leave later, you can call one of my cousins and switch with them, I guess. Here's my mom's number. I already explained it to her, so you could just ask her to send one of my cousins."

"Uh, sure, Joey. Bye."

"Bye."

So Joey sneaked out again and wondered where he should look for Chandler first. How did he even get out of his apartment building, if it was surrounded? Did he have a double too? But no, Chandler was an only child, and what few male cousins he had weren't close to him, nor did they look like him. So how did Chandler get out at all? Joey puzzled over this, getting more worried every minute.

He finally returned to Greenwich Village to look for clues, and he stood across the street from the old apartment building. The crowds of reporters and photographers were out front, or hanging out in the coffeehouse. Joey looked up at the fire escapes, wondering if Chandler could have climbed down them, but no, he'd probably be spotted and surrounded quickly. Maybe the roof? Maybe Chandler was hiding behind a shed up there, or by the pigeon coop kept by one of the building's residents?

Then when he saw a figure move on the roof, Joey guessed that it might be Chandler, so he rushed closer and tried to make his way past the reporters without getting recognized. Luckily, Chandler had insisted on Joey keeping his key to the building, in order to visit him easily, whenever Ross and Rachel weren't there.

So Joey got inside quickly, slamming the door shut before he started running up the stairs. But he almost bumped into one of his former neighbors, so he hid his face and went towards the storage room. While standing by the door and pretending that he was looking for his key, Joey realized that he could smell smoke. Then he faintly heard a phone ringing somewhere. It was the familiar ringtone of Chandler's cell. Was he imagining it?

After he realized that it was real, and coming from the storage room, Joey dug out his key and was grateful that he still hadn't returned it after recently moving all his stuff out of here. So Joey let himself in and turned on the light. The place was filled with cigarette smoke, which made him cough, and after he frantically followed the sound of the phone, he found a pair of pants hanging from an old chair.

On the floor nearby, surrounded by empty beer cans and cigarette butts, Chandler was lying in a sleeping bag from their camping trip years ago. He made no move to answer his phone, which still rang from within the pocket of his pants.

"Chandler!" Joey was horrified by how close Chandler came to carelessly starting a fire, so he ran over and knelt beside him, hoping that he was okay. In relief, he cried and hugged Chandler close, waking him up.