Chapter 4

Choices and rejections.

(Peeta's POV)

I hike down the narrow sidewalk with my hands in my pockets. The sun is just about to dip behind the horizon filling the capitol sky with a purplish, orange color. Street lights were being turned on for the people who were still wandering the streets. Honestly the capitol never sleeps; there was always some sort of party going on within these city walls. Some things they did for entertainment were completely absurd, like getting together and eating, the puke drinks that were offered to Katniss and I were shockingly still around. These people were the same selfish, greedy people they once were during the games it didn't matter who was in charge of the city now. The capitol residents will never seen themselves as equals to the Districts and why would they? Why would they see themselves as equals anyway they had money, clothes, food on the table all the time, 'entertainment', and the attitude to go with it all. Mycha and Ban were capitol residents that's why at first I never wanted anything to do with either of them, probably because of the fact that both never had to worry about their names entering the reaping ball, or maybe because it was the fact that they never starved, or scrounged, they always had fresh clothes and probably cheered on their favorite Tribute. They were spoiled rich Capitol citizens like the rest of them which had shocked me. They never really got into watching the games or eating until they were full and then throw it all up so they could eat again. They were more like the Capitol outcasts. Ban and Mycha minded their own business at school, stuck to one another. They were brother and sister so of course they had each others trust. Byla on the other hand was the third sister and she was everything but Capitol citizen; Stuck up, fancy to look at, eat until their was no room and very rude.

The look she gets in her eyes every time I enter the coat shop was one of hatred. She absolutely hated my presence and everything about me, everybody in their group except for Ban and Mycha hated me and if it weren't for them I probably would have just went straight home and joined Effie at the table for dinner. I let my mind linger on the thought "Home', the confusion that set in as I thought of the word irritated me as thoughts of the ashy covered wasteland that was once District 12 filled my mind. Although I never actually seen the graveyard that was once my home, Katniss had described to me in detail what the Capitol did to it and my heart swelled with pain. Even though 12 remained a ghost land, a soulless land, didn't mean I didn't miss the fresh scent of bread as I entered the bakery, the fresh breezy air and the scent of wildflowers as I passed the meadow on my way into town. District 12 was my home and I finally realized that I didn't want to become some rich capitol snob who had everything in the world, and went to sleep in a luxurious mattress every night. There was only one problem with going back and that was having to face Katniss. My thoughts about her were still so jumbled and out of control that I don't know where to start in sorting them out, one moment I hate her and the next I love her. Love? Is that what I'm feeling every time I pictured her face.

Her long beautiful black braided hair is always swung over her left shoulder, those grey eyes boring into my blue ones as she scowled at me, smiled at me, her thin, smooth bare body as it lay beneath me. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I can still feel her tiny palms as they rest against my bare back, feel the tips of her fingers digging into my skin, her pants and moans filling my ears. I find myself think about that night a lot, too much and it both scares the hell out of me and fills me with complete joy. I blink out of my thoughts and peer around, we have stopped in front of a large dark blue building. Ban and Mycha had been deep in conversation and I had been quiet the whole way to the club.

"Peeta, you alright over there?" Mycha asks with concern.

"I'm fine, just thinking a lot" I assure her, trying to brush off the fact that she may or may not have a thing for me. Romance with different girls was the last thing on my mind. Mycha was really pretty with her long brown hair and brown eyes, but I didn't see her as more than anything but a friend. Her and her brother help me make my way around the city, gave me directions when I first came here, showed me all the things that their was to do in the Capitol. I never realize just how big of a city this was until they took me into every corner of it. The capitol literally had everything, every shop imaginable, a bunch of restaurants and party clubs, they had parks, a memorable monument for the capitol Children that has lost their lives during the war.

"Can we go in now?" Ban asks impatiently.

Mycha claps her hand excitedly and tugs on my hand leading my to the double doors. The music is exotic and loud, blasting through two very large speakers. Ban breaks away from Mycha and I, giving us time to talk and probably seeking out something to eat and drink, as he goes I catch him glance over his shoulder and give Mycha a small nod which blush creeps across her face, she bites her lip and nods back. I hear her inhale deeply and turn to me.

"Want to dance" She shouts over the music.

Should I accept? the last thing I want to do is lead this poor girl on, but I didn't want to seem like a buzz kill either so I nod my head and she claps excitedly pulling me by the arm out onto the dance floor. We dance quickly in front of each other, neither one of us touching the other. I don't really want to have to place my hands on her, that's why I'm hoping the tune will stay upbeat and fast. I spoke to soon the music changes and people get in position to slow dance. Mycha looks at me, biting her lip so hard that I think its going to crack the skin and blood will shortly appear in specks. She takes a step forward and places her hands at my shoulders and I place mine at her waist, now is the time to let her down, when everything is slow.

"Mycha" I mutter her name.

"Peeta, I really need to talk to you." She says nervously.

"I know Mycha and I am going to do this as easy as possible. Would you like to go somewhere less crowded?"

She blushes and nods her head multiple and I lead her away from the heavy group in the middle through the double doors we just came in from. The air is cool against my skin and it makes both of us shiver. The sun has fully set and darkness takes the sky, the streetlights gives us clear visual of our surroundings. Mycha doesn't even wait for me to begin my speech. Before I know what's going on she has her hands against each side of my face, stands on her tiptoes and is pulling me into a kiss. It is real quick kiss and I don't kiss her back, my lips stay motionless and images of making love to Katniss are back. Mycha pulls away, her face as red as an apple.

"I can't" I mumble softly. "I can't do this"

She is shaking really badly "I really, really like you, Peeta. Everything about you, You're the most wonderful person I have ever met in my entire life" She is off by a long shot. I'm no longer the kind sweet Peeta Mellark that I once was before the games and wars, if she could see the dark, ugly person I have become she'd be running for her life screaming. I can't do this, she is nothing but a friend to me. My heart is pounding in my chest and I suddenly wish that it was Katniss standing in front of my dressed in a pair of jeans and a winter striped, fancy sweater. that why I'd be able to kiss her back.

"Please stay here in the capitol with Ban and I, you're so nice to us and we like you a lot. You've been through hell, we all have and its time to move on, start over brand new. You can do that here, Ban and I can even help you get an empty lot for a bakery, all we got to do is talk to mom and dad and maybe..." I gently cut her off.

"Mycha, listen to me and understand. You and Ban are good people you really are and you've actually helped me through a lot in listening to my story about what had happened during the war and in the Capitol dungeons. I need you to know that I value you guys so much and am grateful that I've had the chance to meet people like you, but after six months of talking to the doctor, trying to figure out what is wrong with my head I've realized that I need to face my problems instead of hiding and if I decide to stay here with you and Ban and my" I pause for a moment, What is Effie Trinket to me? My mother? She really does act like it and honestly she does a better job then my birth mother "My mother, it will be like running away and that's something I never want to do."

Mycha sighs in sadness "I'm in love with you Peeta" Mycha admits "A lot, a lot, like very much."

"I'm very flattered that you feel that way about me, but Mycha I can't" I reject gently.

"What not" the sadness in her voice is increasing and it seems like she is on the verge of tears. the last thing I want to do is upset her and make her feel like I don't want her at all because really all I want is her friendship, I cannot and will not become romantically involved with her. Her sadness soon becomes anger as she speaks again "Does this have anything to do with that girl back home?" She hisses.

I don't lie to her, I can't lie to my friend "It has everything to do with her." I admit.

Mycha's rage continues and I see her rolls her eyes in the bright light "You told me she never loved you. She was fake and that everything she should you was a lie. Why would you want to go back to her, Peeta. A girl who doesn't care about you?"

My mind begins to wonder and an image comes forward, momentarily taking me back to 'that' night.

Flashback.

My breathing is heavy and deep, words can't describe as to how good my body feels as Katniss's walls clutch me, pulling me to her deeper and deeper. She moans my name and I go from being loving and gentle to hard and disgusted. The mutt laying beneath me can easily plunge a dagger into my bare back , ending it all right here and now, but she doesn't the only thing she is plunging into my skin are the tips of her sharp, jagged nails. The moonlight is the only source of light that we have shinning through the window, I can faintly see her withering underneath me, begging me to go harder and then slower.

"Don't stop" she gasps out.

I don't plan to stop; it feels way to good. My back is covered in sweat as I set the pace, her hands are slick but still manages to get a good grip on my skin. I kiss her, our lips melt against one another and she moves her right hand from it position on my back to bury it into my slick damp curls. Our lips eventually detach and Katniss moans louder as my pace continues rougher. She wraps her legs around my waist as I plunge into her, her shouts are getting louder and louder with each thrust and I'm afraid that she may wake up Haymitch and Effie, or whoever was here to listen.

"Katniss, you, uh, Katniss" I couldn't make a full sentence so part of what I was saying didn't make sense at all, but she didn't care She crashed her lips on mine and continued to thrust with me. I'm not sure how long we rocked and rolled between the sheets, but soon my body started to shake and the pressure that was building in my body became too much to hand and I let out a very loud grunt and empty myself inside her. I didn't have to worry about getting her pregnant because according to her and the capitol she wasn't able to get pregnant, her body has taken so much abuse during the games and war, that she lost that capability.

"I love you so much, Peeta" She moans out as I lay my head in between her bare breast and gasp out.

"I love you" I return.

End of flashback.

The night was much longer and passionate then that. We stopped and started all night, falling asleep around 3am, then I took off around 7 out of fear and I haven't seen her since. She told me so many times that night that she was in love with me, that she was sorry for everything she has put me through. I'm so engrossed in the memory that I almost forgot Mycha was still standing in front of me, tears were falling out of her brown eyes, soaking her cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Mycha" I say sincerely.

"I'm in love with you, Please stop making this complicated"

I have to tell her flat-out I dint have feelings for her, but do I love Katniss? Do I want to go home and face her, help rebuild my home, see my friends and neighbors against, visit the site where my family lost their lives. Mycha is right on one thing I have a chance to start over here in the capitol. I never have to see District 12 or Katniss again, but that's not what I want. I want to start all over, but I want to do it in District 12, not here.

I bite the inside of my cheek and gaze up into Mycha's watery brown eyes and say the words I know is going to break her, but needs to be said and heard "I love her, I've always loved her. I don't think I've ever stopped."

"Fine, I get it you don't want me. I'm not good enough for Peeta Mellark, Who am I to think I could even come in between the star-crossed lovers. A girl who works at a coat store, ha" She wipes the tears from her face and continues to sob "I'm not pretty like she is or strong, or kind, she is better than me at everything."

"Mycha stop it okay. I need you, but as my friend. I want you but just not in that way. Your too much of a good friend."

"I'm done with this conversation." And with that said she stomps her way back into the club, fresh tears streaming down her face. I feel like shit, but I needed to reject her and tell her how much Katniss means to me. Did I mean it though? Am I still capable of loving her? Did she really mean it when she told me she loved during sex? So many unanswered questions, so much unfinished business. Maybe I should do what doctor Aurelius told me I should do and that's contact her, see how I react. Can I handle it though, the mere though of seeing Katniss again after 6 months of being away frightens the hell out of me. I needed to start over with her, take my time in rebuilding our relationship. I couldn't come back and expect her to be waiting with open arms. We were seriously broken, our minds, body and relationship. I could do it, get on a train right now, go back to the ashen District, help her and the people rebuild, instead of staying here in The Capitol and undergo the same treatment over and over, but there was a strong possibility that I was still capable of hurting her and I didn't want that. I had to make sure that I didn't try to kill her the moment I see her fragile, thin body. I could never again try to wrap my hands around her neck, leaving deep purple bruises.

I decided not to go back into the club because honestly I didn't want to face Mycha and see the tears I've caused run down her face. I feel guilty enough for upsetting her and I know Ban is going to be more than displeased that I not only rejected his little sister, but made her cry. I'm not going to say yes to someone who I don't have feelings for its just not in my nature to play someone and fake feelings don't exist within me, everything I feel is real. As I stroll down the Capitol sidewalk, gazing up at the colorful city streetlights that guided me to a bus stop that would take me to Effie's house I began to realize just how much I missed the girl on fire, her hair, her smile, her head-strong attitude, kind-spirited soul. I was going to do everything in my power to set things right, to make things right between us, and the first step in doing that was to go home. I wouldn't sleep well tonight at Effie's and I'm sure she would be more than happy to here I was making plans in going home. I had to get Doctor's Aurelius's opinion, whether he says it was okay or not I was still going no matter what.

I Peeta Mellark was going back to District 12.

To be continued...