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Back to Surreality

Chapter 14- Denial part two

With Ino gone, Sakura leant back on the grass with a grin, and closed her eyes, intent on getting her relaxation moment.

She was about to entertain the idea of going to sleep right there when she felt a familiar chakra signal closer than it should have been. How did I not notice…?

"Yo!"

"Shit Kakashi, how long have you been standing there?" she kept her eyes shut but could hear and feel him walking closer.

"Long enough" he replied casually.

Sakura cringed and put a hand across her face. "I didn't mean to tell her, honestly, but she's my best friend."

"So you didn't want to accept her offer?" he sat down next to her comfortably.

"Huh?" she cracked one eye open to look sideways at him.

"She asked you to be maid of honor. That's quite important you know." He told her stoically.

She breathed in relief "Oh, that's all you heard?"

"No, I heard that she was late but I didn't think that was too important. He is always late anyway."

"Thank Kami" she closed her eye again. "Why are you here anyway?"

His breath hitched in a way that sounded vaguely like a laugh. "Jonin meeting. You?"

She smiled. "Same."

"Why were you so nervous, did you say more with Ino?"

"N-no not really, just um… girl talk." She fidgeted nervously with the edge of her top. It was a habit she had acquired over the years. Even Hinata had more social confidence at times, with her nervous fiddling completely gone after two years of marriage.

"They're getting married huh?" She felt him lying down beside her, but still a comfortable distance off.

"Hai, next month."

"Well that was predictable"

"What?" now she sat up and looked at him. He was leant on one side, looking back at her.

"Yeah, well it didn't take long for Shikamaru to be telling me how much he loved her so it was only a matter of time before she caved."

She flopped back onto her back, facing the sky. "Hmm…" don't expect the same result here.

"Are you alright Sakura?" he sounded genuinely concerned.

"No. all this talk of love and weddings is making me nauseous." She grumbled quietly, momentarily forgetting his good hearing.

"Why? Because you aren't the one getting married?"

"No. That's stupid. I just… I don't know why, it just does."

"It doesn't strike you that after next month, you'll be the only single kunoichi in your social group?"

"Hasn't even crossed my mind." She smiled at him, and then stopped, turning to face him. "Wait, are you sure?"

"Hai. Hinata is married to that rich guy; I can never remember his name."

Sakura nodded "I don't think anyone can"

"And Tenten married Neji years ago."

"I think it was the other way around actually. She didn't really get much of a say in the matter." wow. We are actually having a human conversation. He hasn't mentioned us once.

"Neither did Neji" he pointed out "But that is it really. After Ino, you'll be the only one left."

"Quick, go fetch the razorblade; I'm not suffering an arranged marriage like everyone else. Sob." She put on a mock depressed tone.

"Sakura, that's not the point." He frowned at her beneath his mask.

She giggled slightly "I know, but it is fun messing with you."

"Oh really?"

She sighed in defeat and moved back onto her back. "Ok, I'm sorry. Please continue your chat on how lame and single I am."

"You don't have to be."

"What, lame? Gomen Kakashi, it's just in my genetic make-up."

"No, single." He reached out a hand gently to touch hers "You don't have to be alone"

It begins… She sat up to face him with a serious expression. "Kakashi, I…"

"Marry me Sakura"

She recognized the irony, but she really didn't feel like laughing anymore. "Nani?!"

"Sakura. Be with me forever. I need you." He tried to hold her hand properly

"Kakashi!" she hastily pulled her hand away from him, getting angry. "We aren't even dating! Can't you get that through your thick skull? I haven't said yes to anything."

"Say it now then." He pleaded with his visible eye.

"No! I won't!" she stood up from the grass in a rage "I don't want to offend you but I meant what I said before. It was just a mission. I know… I understand what you are feeling, but I… I just don't, ok?"

"Not ok. I can't imagine my life without you." He bent to one knee and reached up to her hand again.

"Kakashi, this is pathetic, get up. You can't imagine your life without me? Well neither can I and do you want to know why?"

"Because you love me too?" he stood up beside her, but it wasn't hopeful. He knew what her answer would be.

"No, because you won't leave me alone for long enough. I need space to breathe, ok? You have disrupted my work, my sleep, my pittance of a social life, just stop it. Please Kakashi; just think about what you are doing. This is crazy!" she threw her hands up to demonstrate her point.

"So you make me crazy? I don't care."

"Well I do! Just leave me alone!" she tried to walk off.

"I can't do that." He caught her arm gently.

"Then I'll file a restraining order. You have to stop following me everywhere, one way or another." She glared at him, following the line of his intrusive limb.

He let go tenderly, giving her a look that made her want to cry "But… we kissed…"

"And?" she began to shout but then calmed down and spoke in a softer voice, stepping closer to him "I promised, and you promised that would be all." Maybe if shouting doesn't work then I'll have to appeal to this new sensitive side of his.

He sighed "It can't be all… you didn't resist… you… you deepened it"

"I don't do a half-assed job of anything Kakashi. I didn't want you to waste your first kiss with a regret. It still doesn't mean anything." She looked away, unable to meet his eye.

"But… you felt it… I know you did"

"Sure, and I felt it with plenty of other guys before aswell, it doesn't mean I'm going to marry them." She walked over to the branch where Ino had been sat before and rested there, her head low at having to tell him all of this. He should be able to figure it out. He was my sensei, not the other way around. "No, you just don't want to tell him that you did feel it too properly." Inner Sakura sulked.

"It's different with me. You know that, you always knew that." He tried to reason, leaning with one arm against the tree.

She was bordering on tears "Kakashi… please don't do this."

His expression softened even more and he reached towards her face to wipe away the moisture as it began to fall. She shirked away and wiped them herself.

"Hai. You are different." She told him with a strained voice "You were my sensei Kakashi."

"And?" he obviously didn't seem to understand her hesitation at all as he withdrew his hand like a puppy who got it's tail bitten by a wasp.

"You were throwing kunai at me when I was twelve." She grumbled "That is not a good basis for a relationship"

"It suits Shikamaru and Ino fine, and Neji and Tenten."

"That's different. They are at least somewhere near the same age. You are theoretically old enough to be my father. Aren't you afraid of what people might say?"

He shrugged "I do things for my own reasons, not other's. Otherwise I'd be Genma. Why are you so afraid?"

"Kakashi, if we ever did have a relationship, not that I'm saying it's a possibility, it would be everywhere. Everyone knows who you are and that no one has seen you with a woman ever. I'm not used to publicity. No one ever notices me, and it's not like I don't stand out from the crowd." She signaled to her hair "I somehow just blend in, part of the background… If I tell you something now, I want you to promise not to interrupt, just listen all the way through, ok?"

"Alright Sakura, I promise" he sat back down on the ground beside the tree, leaning his back against the trunk but still looking up at her.

"You never even realized that I was a senior medic. Not many people do. Most just see another nurse. They don't care who it is that treats them, or how much work it takes, all they care about is that they get better. They never even notice the fact that since I've been working at that hospital, survival rates for both ninja and civilian injuries have tripled, because of my research into medical jutsu and vaccinations.

"I'm not trying to show off here, I'm just stating facts. I'm too good. People never realize if it is me that helps them every time they get a disease, because I cure and prevent them too well. Most people don't step foot in that hospital more than once in their lifetime. Those that do, people like you Kakashi, think so little of the hard work we undergo that you never even say thank you. Sure, I'm not talking about everyone, some people do say thank you, but they are a minority.

"I'll tell you something interesting Kakashi. You have been in that hospital exactly seven times since I've worked there, and do you know how I know this? Well, it's simple. You only ever go there when it is completely necessary i.e. when you are unconscious with potentially fatal injuries. Every time you come in you are so close to death that most people would just leave you and abandon hope.

"Every time though, you pull through, despite the fact that most of the medical staff also don't believe they can save you. And do you know why you pull through? No, you don't, because every time you get up and run out the very second that you realize you are in a hospital, without a word of thanks and without even considering for a second who put their trust in you for long enough to save your life…"

She looked away from him, swallowing her frustration before telling him in the softest voice she had ever spoken with "It was me. Every time. I saved your life. When no one else would."

Then she looked back down at him to see that he was looking away, deep in thought. "You never thanked me because you never knew. I'm not saying this though to make you thank me now. I don't want your gratitude; I'm used to not getting any of it. My reward every time is seeing people like you, my friends, the people I love, and even the people I don't know, survive. Even if they never know, it's enough for me.

"In the hospital, the personnel call me Haruno-sama, not because they follow my orders, but because they respect my work. For me that is more important than anything else in the world, even being with the people I love. So you see, I'm not made to love in public. I don't like the attention, so long as not having it means I can continue my work in peace. Hell, if I had to listen to every person in Konoha thank me for helping them, I'd get even less sleep than I already do, which isn't an awful lot. I can't handle publicity, so I couldn't handle a relationship with you, ever." She reached out and brushed her hand against his shoulder in comfort "Please tell me that you can understand that. You can speak now."

"I really don't think I can" he still didn't look up.

"You just did" she let go of his shoulder.

"I know, I just… publicity? Age and publicity? That's all that's holding you back?" he spoke quietly and smoothly, confusion still edging his words but the impatience dissolved. At least now he had a reason.

She shook her head "I can't give you what you want Kakashi."

"How can you say that?"

"It's the truth. You want me to marry you, to be with you forever. That's a lot to ask and…" she looked down at her hands "oh Kami I'm shaking…"

He turned to face her, reaching up and enclosing her shaky hands inside his, making her feel warm and strangely relaxed. Another tear fell down her cheek and landed on his hand where he held her. This time she didn't pull away.

"I can't do it." She told him shakily, her head low.

"Why not?"

"I've already told you. I don't want to get married. I can't promise forever."

"Alright. So, um…" he squeezed her hand lightly as he came up with an idea "what if I said that it wasn't forever? What if I take away one proposal and replace it with another? Dinner. Tomorrow night. 8 o'clock. Entirely my treat." He lifted her chin up with one hand to face him. "If you won't take me as a husband, will you take me as a boyfriend?"

Inner Sakura was screaming so loud it was deafening to her. She fought desperately to keep control. Eventually, she had to take long deep breaths just to speak what she was sure she wanted to say. "Kakashi, it could never be like that. You would always be looking for that final goal. It wouldn't ever be just dating' or just boyfriend', it's all or nothing with you. It would just be a lead up to the next time you propose marriage."

"No. I mean it. Would it make you feel better if I just said one date? One date and if you still haven't decided properly, I will promise to give you your space. At least give me that Sakura, even if it turns out just to be a goodbye."

"I'm still not sure Kakashi." She pounded on her head to keep the voices at bay. The trouble was that all of the voices were telling her the same thing. Inner Sakura fitted in harmony with Kakashi, Ino, Tsunade… "Maybe, how's that? I'll think about it. 8 o'clock? I'll be at Ino's at half seven. Call me then on her number and I'll give you your answer. Ask any of the male population of Konoha and they'll give you the number. Don't be late, because if you don't call then, I'll just assume you changed your mind and that's it. Now stop smiling, I haven't said yes yet."

"I wasn't…" he said, grin still visible through his mask.

"Don't lie Kakashi, I can tell by now when you're smiling."

"Ok, so I was. Arigato Sakura, you really have made my day." He lifted up the hand he held gave her a quick kiss through his mask in thanks.

"It's still not yes."

"But it's not a no, that's better than I've managed so far" he sounded so happy, just with that one glimmer of hope as he continued to hold her hand.

"And here I was thinking it was that steamy make out' session as Chouji so aptly put it" "aptly? I knew it. You did enjoy it more than you admitted!" shut up.

He shrugged "I can do better."

"Oh really? I thought you didn't have any experience."

"Maybe not, but I have Icha Icha and a Sharingan eye." He let go of her hand and stood back against the tree.

She groaned. "Please tell me you don't do that."

"Only since I've been in love with you, but don't worry, I still skip the sex scenes, so I'm not picking up any tips from there."

"What's that supposed to be suggesting?" she glared at him dangerously.

He simply smirked at her "what does it sound like?"

"Kakashi, if you still want me to go with you tomorrow, you had better stop talking, right now."

"Right… well, I have academy students to scare an hour ago, so… eight?"

"Half seven, Ino's"

"Gomen" he gave her a quick peck on the cheek then disappeared before she had a chance to scold him for it.

She looked down to find that he had left a small envelope behind on the grass. She jumped off the branch and picked it up. The front was written on by hand. It was barely legible but Sakura had learnt years ago to translate Kakashi's scribbles.

"Sakura,

Don't worry. I understand."

She looked inside to discover the money Ino had mentioned earlier. He found out, but he didn't question anything. Why? Does he really forgive me for not telling him? Or does he not know how long I knew for?

I'm such a mess. I can't make my mind up whether I need to go back to work or take a few days off. Why does everything point to Kakashi…?

In denial? Hai. I probably am…

AN: squeals with excitement so fun to have this finally posted. It was written I think before chapter 3 was or something. sorry for the speech, it did go a bit buffy season 7 there for a while. maybe the ending will keep you happy?

The stuff planned for the next day is just, well, excuse any copyrighting blah, not mine, but "bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!" or it is in the wonderful world of my brain anyway.

Just to clarify: the events of chapter 12-14 take place the morning after Genma and Choza's visit to Kakashi. It is currently Wednesday 8th august in the timeline, so it is in their time exactly a week since Kakashi and Sakura's first "date". The following day will be exactly a week since their first kiss. It will also be the anniversary of Shikamaru and Ino becoming a couple.

Wow. Useless information. It's just putting things into context a little, seen as it is only pre-text in the story.

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XX Belizma-chan XX