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Chapter 8

Explanations

(Peeta's POV)

Haymitch and I have a deep, long conversation that last well into midnight. I tell him everything that I've been through the last couple of months and he sits and listens in curiosity making comments and suggestions about how we can improve my behavior which I thought I did extremely well today in controlling myself from the Episode Gale almost forced me into, the anger and hatred were the key emotions I was feeling towards him, although I don't think anyone would miss him if I snapped his neck, problem solved, but I wasn't like that I didn't want to be violent and hateful and have thoughts like that burst into my head. How I didn't have a flashback today was a complete and total mystery to me, maybe Doctor Aurelius's treatment was helping me in some sort of strange way or maybe it was the fact that the friends I had in the Capitol were so very kind and supportive and would often make suggestions about my hijacking, Mycha and Ban were fun and amazing to hang out with and socialize with, deep down I felt terrible for what I did to them in return, leaving the Capitol in order to fix what was broken. I couldn't help it I loved Mycha and Ban to death; they helped me through some tough shit, but Katniss comes first she will always come first and now that she is pregnant and I'm 100% certain it is mine, I'm putting her and the baby before anyone else including myself. Haymitch gets tired and says its time for him to go home, that he will talk to me tomorrow. I think now that I am back in the picture he has some hope that she will get better. I'm still pissed at him for doing absolutely nothing for Katniss and the baby, being her legal guardian and the man she had trusted and in return all he did was sulk, and avoid Gale which I don't blame him on the avoiding Gale part.

Lynn comes around the corner after Haymitch leaves and stokes the fire, rubbing her hands together over the flames. I stay seated on the couch watching the flames come alive. She pokes and moves the wood around so the fire is able to catch it and warm the house up. Snow is still slightly falling from the sky, winter has arrived and the temperatures are sure to drop in the teens overnight. One thing I hate about District 12 is the freezing cold winters we had, it had gotten so bad that people had lost their limbs to frostbite, starved and froze to death, all the while The Capitol were cooped up in their cozy warm beds, its hard to forgive them for the life they had given us for so long and its hard to trust these new people in charge, although Paylor doesn't seem as corrupted as some of the others do. Not like District 12 had that large of a population anyway, it made me wonder how they were going to clear the debris and built new houses in the dead of winter. Were they going to wait 3 to 4 long months for spring to blossom and the weather to warm up, that'd be the smart thing to do, but only time could tell.

"I only want what's best for her" Lynn suddenly says bringing me out of my thoughts, I cast my blue eyes to the side so they can examine every inch of her. She is pretty for a middle-aged woman, her hair is blonde with a hint of gray, her deep, tormented ocean blue eyes stare back at me, this was the woman my father was in love with, the woman who didn't loved him back, who chose a coal-mines. In a way I'm glad that she didn't chose my father because I wouldn't be here and Katniss wouldn't be here. I don't know how I felt about Katniss's mother, a mixture of all the emotions, her and I never really sat down and had a heart to heart conversation. Did she even realize how much I loved her daughter, I'm willing to do anything for her. I still love Katniss and I don't think I ever stopped.

"I know you do, just like any mother would and I know your intentions are good but taking the baby away from her might hurt her even more. As the baby's father I can't let you take her. The doctor is District 4 sounds like a good idea, but you don't really have a say in where she goes or if she stays" I tell her.

"I'm her mother, Peeta, I gave birth to her. She is my daughter" Lynn frowns.

"The daughter that you abandoned, Did you ever once considering coming back here after the war and taking care of her, instead of hiding behind your medical papers in 4? Why didn't you come back to her? "

"How dare you. Do you know what its like to lose a child? I love Katniss she is all I have left" She responds sadly.

"No I don't know what its like to lose a child, but I know what it's like to lose your entire family in a blink of an eye, I know what its like to be beaten to the point where you want to die, to have your memories erased and tampered with. It hurts to lose someone who you love deeply, but you can't live your life in grief and ignore all the people who you have left around you. The people who love you and care about you, that suffers because you shun them out because of grief and sorrow, that is what you did to Katniss. Mrs. Everdeen I'm in love with her, truly, deeply in love with her; no amount of Capitol poison can take that away from me. I will tell you this right now, anyone who threatens her safety and the safety of my child will have to deal with me."

"And I'm thankful that Katniss has someone that loves her so much like you do, but you have to understand that after everything I have done to her she is still my daughter and I'm still willing to protect her. Even if its from someone she loves"

"Your saying I'd hurt her?"

"I'm saying its a possibility, she is delicate, you both are. Did you ever think maybe your not good for her."

As much as the words stings I nod my head "It crossed my mind once or twice."

"I don't hate you, I know what happened to you and what the capitol did to you was wrong, but your hijacking is deadly and that's something that should be on your mind."

"It is something that's on my mind. I know she can do better than me, I know she deserves a normal life, a normal lover and a normal mother, but its not happening, Katniss loves us in different ways and I think the last thing she would want is to replace either of us. I'm a terrible lover and your a terrible mother"

"I know I'm a terrible mother you don't have to tell me twice, We both might be bad for her, but you have to understand I loved her father so much and when he died I died with him. It's not easy to get over the death of the one you love." Lynn wipes the stray tears that have fallen down her face "I need to turn in for the night, you're welcome to have the spare bedroom." The warning glare in her eyes is an indication that she doesn't want me to sleep in her daughters bed.

"Thank you" I wont be sleeping in her spare bedroom or on the couch, I was going to brave it tonight and go to Katniss weather her mother likes it or not, I was going to take her small form into my arms and protect her and the baby from the nightmares that are sure to come tonight. Lynn takes one more look at me and then hikes up the stairs slowly, I wait a couple of minutes watching the fire wither and die down before going upstairs, creeping down the narrow hallway as quietly as possible, being careful not to alert her mother because if she find out that I am going to be sleeping in her daughter's bed tonight she'll put a stop to it immediately. Trusting myself in being around Katniss and sharing the same bed as her is going to be an issue, but I can control it, I controlled it today when Gale picked a fight with me so I wont have a problem controlling sleeping with her. I can do this.

She is the first door on the left, I tiptoe across the creaky floorboards and push open her door slowly peering inside the dark room. She is curled up in the middle of the bed and I'm not sure if she is sleeping or awake, it's too dark to tell if her chest is rising up and down, but as I get closer to the bed and close the door behind me she lets out an exhausted sigh and turns her body, the outline now faces me. She's awake and was waiting for me.

"Peeta" She breathes out in the dark room "Your staying with me?"

"You want me to?"

"Always, please" She begs tiredly. I stride across the room smoothly and swiftly, climbing into the right side of her bed as she moves over and allows me to lay down on my side. She immediately snuggles into my arms and nuzzled her nose into the crock of my neck, I wrap my arms around her and hold her, just like I've done so many times before. It feels so good to hold her and have her in my arms again. I lay down flat on my back and she places her head against my chest and draws patterns into my clothes, twisting and twirling the fabric that hides my skin.

"Hmm are you okay? He had not right to do what he did, Your not hurt right?" She asks worriedly.

"I'm fine" I assure her, aside from the lack of oxygen from Gales arms around my neck I'm perfectly fine, not a scratch on me beside the redness in my knuckles from hitting him in the face several times, something I don't regret doing. "I'm more worried about you, your mother said your stressed out and that stress isn't good for the baby." I move a hand that was around her and slide it over her stomach. To my surprise the baby starts kicking and Katniss starts groaning.

"She knows your touch and it amazes me because you haven't been back long, but still she knows who her father is" She lets out a quiet, breathy laugh "I'm so happy you came back into my life" She places a kiss against my clothed chest while I continued to rub our child and feel the tiny kicks beneath her skin and beneath my hand. I can do this I can control every ounce of this hijacking I never have to become violent ever again. We can do this we can heal and have this baby, rebuild the town, deal with Gale and her mother and move on with our lives.

"I'm not going anywhere again, but Kat we need to be careful and cautious. I don't want to end up hurting you or the baby."

"You wont hurt us, you have self-control I've seen it. You didn't flash back today while Gale picked that fight. You're fine" Katniss says confidently.

" I still need to be careful around you, I'm not 100% yet and I don't think I'd ever be full healed again."

I place a kiss on the top of her head and hold her as close and as tight as I dare. She sighs and leans into my touch, nothing in the world can ever take me away from her or my child, or Haymitch for that matter, they are my family and the only ones I have left, I cherish each one of them its the simple fact, although I'm trying to like Lynn, but the unintentional stress she is putting Katniss through makes it very hard to like her and I meant every word I said when I said I wouldn't let her or anyone take the baby. The baby still moves under my touch and its the most incredibly thing I have ever felt in my entire life. To feel something so tiny and so fragile move against the palm of your hand, knowing fully well that she is yours and nothing will ever change that. We created this life together, its apart of me and apart of her.

"What did you do while you were in the capitol?" Katniss questions curiously.

"Besides the meetings and appointments with Aurelius I made some friends. Their parents owned a fancy coat shop, but they were nice to me, not stuck up like the rest of the capitol citizens. Help me make my way around the city, hung out, made me feel like a normal teen for once." I explain.

"What were their names?"

"Mycha and Ban." I left out the part that Mycha had a serious thing for me, but I was forced to turn her down because of my love for Katniss. I chose Katniss over my capitol friends something that I had to do and besides their was never a choice to be made to begin with. We are silent for a couple of minutes, the only sounds that filled the air were our breathing.

"I love you Peeta" Katniss says finally breaking the silence.

"I love you too" I return.

She slides her hands from my chest, to my cheeks, cupping them and gently lifting her head and placing her lips against mine. We pick up where we left off on the couch, I kiss her deeply and passionately and she threads her fingers through my hair, giving it a gentle tug, fingers scratching my scalp. Her scent and taste are so intoxicating that I have to control myself and not push her into the mattress and take her. Sex was not an option between the two of us right now, not until the baby was out. I couldn't risk something happening to her or him, hell kissing Katniss and holding her like this was a danger. I really wanted to know the gender of the baby, but there was no way of knowing unless we except Lynn's offering in talking to the government and getting her exile revoked. Her pregnancy hormones must be getting the best of her because she holds me tightly in her arms and shifts so she is laying on her back and I am hovering slightly over her and the baby bump. Our lips never break contact and she must think that's an indication that I don't want to stop, so she runs her hands from my hair to the buttons on my shirt, flicking open three before I finally pull away and stop her, gently taking both of her hands in mine and holding them gently.

"What?"

"I can't do it, we can't, not now when your most vulnerable. We shouldn't even be kissing" I reject.

" Yes we can, you're not hurting me" she breathes out and goes to kiss me again, I let her peck me a couple of times then I move my head to the side, placing a kiss on her cheek. I lay flat against the bed and she sighs in defeat, turning her back to me. The rejection upsets her but its something that needed to be done. Take it very slowly those were Haymitch's words and mine. I had no choice in the matter, the hijacking was extremely dangerous for both of us.

"Katniss, don't get upset" I shift my body so my chest is pressed against her back and my face is nuzzled into the crook of her neck. She is crying I can tell by the way her body shivers and her shoulders slowly rise and fall rapidly. I blame it on pregnancy hormones, I kiss her neck tenderly and comfortingly, "I'm not saying never, just not now."

"I know it's just I can't stop thinking about that night, when you held me, kissed me, its like nothing else in the world matter except the two of us. You were hijacked then and didn't do anything to me, maybe it's not as bad as you think it is. We can get away with it" She turns so she is on her back and lets out a discomforting sigh, her hand resting on her baby bump "Can we at least try?"

I shake my head, not giving in "I can't, Not with the baby"

"It wont hurt her."

"Katniss" I warn her calmly as she leans over and begins to kiss my neck, up to my earlobe and cheeks, hovering just over my lips, its hard to resist her considering I want that too, that night when we conceived our baby was one of the best nights of my entire life. I loved everything about it. Best night of my entire human existence.

"Please Peeta" She begs as she continues to leave hot wet kisses, sucking hard on my neck and creating those tiny red bumps. "Please."

"No I want to but no" I reject softly.

She sighs in irritation and flops back down on her side of the bed.

"Just let me hold you tonight, protect you and our baby, please" I begged.

"Fine." She lets herself once again be gathered in my arms, her head against my chest and my arms wrapped securely around her. She is irritated at me for not giving into her and making love to her, as much as I wanted to make love to her I'm happy with my choice in saying no to her, even thought it was a tough thing to do. I want her in that why I do, but I need to make sure that I don't do anything that jeopardizes her and the baby, last time we made love so many murderous thoughts floated through my head.

"Don't think I don't want you" I whisper when I feel her begin trembling with tears again "I want you, Katniss, but I got to make sure I don't do anything that's going to harm you."

"We were fine last time I don't get why you wont try." She sniffles.

"We weren't fine last time, I wanted to kill you several times last time." I explain. "Baby steps Katniss, just except the fact that I'm here and I'm holding you and I love you, I came back to you and we are going to have a beautiful baby, our home is going to be rebuilt and we are going to deal with whatever is thrown at us. Okay" She relaxes in my arms and nods her head multiple times, I lean down and give her a long lingering kiss, probably making it worse on her, but I pull away before we can really get into it. "I love you always, the Capitol never took that away from me, never. Just remember that."

"I love you too Peeta, so much" She replies.

I hold her for the rest of the night, she falls asleep before I do, into a calm and peaceful slumber with her head and one arm on my chest. We definitely had a long road ahead of us and it was going to be far from easy.

To be continued...