Chapter 8. I have unclasp'd to thee the book even of my secret soul

After her speaking out at Patrick, Shelagh speeded up her plans to take a study leave. She needed to get out of here for a while. Julie found her a last-chance placement on a midwifery course for adult students. It was negotiated that she could take that six-month course first and complete her other studies later.

As her last task, she advised Phyllis to use the appointment system and the midwife roster on computer, in case the new stand-in receptionist wasn't up to her job. Mrs. Monica could be trusted with only few duties which required computer use.

So Shelagh sat down with Phyllis one evening and showed her the ropes. The evening proved to be memorable.

Phyllis practiced with the boxes and lists in the appointment application. Her forceful personality seemed to exude warmth and strength even when she was focusing on something she wasn't an expert on. She had been a Rolodex fan, but now she humbly accepted that the old systems were fading away.

She was leering at Shelagh over her spectacles. "So, what's your story, Shelagh? Don't say a blank. I can see that it isn't." Phyllis's voice was mellow even if the words weren't. She seemed genuinely interested.

"Does everyone at this Clinic read Shakespeare?" Shelagh grumbled at her, yet with some glee in her voice.

Shelagh pushed her chair back a little and her face became pinched. "My story is short. I had a family once. I lost it. Then I nearly had a family again. I was pregnant. I had a miscarriage. He dumped me after that."

Phyllis looked a frump – at this moment she was wearing a pair of awful flannel slippers and a granny cardigan. She could be a demanding person to work with. But she was the absolute one to have with you if you were going to have a difficult birth. "Something I might be going through right now," Shelagh mused.

"That's not short nor blank. That is a human experience. A fate. Is it so that you have no parents left?"

"I keep in touch with my Dad. It is not frequent, though. My Mum died when I was 19."

"I figured something like that. All that black from nothing blank comes, methinks. So you have decided to become a spinster?"

"Surely it is not a fate worse than death, is it? You would know," Shelagh blurted out. She regretted it at once. "Oh no, I am my worst enemy." She took Phyllis's hand. "Sorry, Phyllis. I didn't mean it as a punch line. I honestly want to know."

Phyllis considered her with mirth dancing in her eyes. She squeezed her hand. "It is good to get it out of your system every now and when, girl. "

Phyllis turned back to her notes and charts. "It is good to be independent and it is as fine a fate as any. Not so much pain in it, as being coupled, I dare say. Less highs and less lows. A rather satisfying experience once you settle with it. But are you ready to settle with it?"

Shelagh looked down at her boots. They were nice and shiny. Just perhaps a little too….black. Black didn't anymore suit her state of mind.

"I see fine threads in you," Phyllis continued. "You are caring and capable. A great organizer. You seem to fight against your true mettle. Womanhood. 'A soft and tender breeding ', yet so strong."

Then she made a gesture of giving up. "But enough of this girly talk for a moment."

Shelagh snorted, amused. This is a fine conversation.

"I have a task for you. It concerns someone a bit….unloved," Phyllis said. "A pregnant woman having birth without a spouse. A gay woman. She needs a doula for her birth. A birth partner. I think you would be perfect for that."

"Me? Do you think so? She doesn't have a partner, or a suitable friend?"

"Unfortunately this Meg Carter has broken up with her partner over this pregnancy. She made an independent decision to get artificial insemination, and it caused their breakup. Her partner Maeve Wells has moved out of their home. Meg is a bit of the old side, 37, so she is in need of support in many ways."

"Is she Patsy's patient?"

"No, Patrick's. I suggested to her that she could still change doctors, especially as the circumstances are what they are, but she is an old patient of Patrick's and she trusts him. But as you see, she is in dire need of female help."

"But I haven't even given birth." This was a sore spot. Phyllis gazed at her gently, with compassionate eyes. "If you are her midwife, is that not enough support? "Shelagh asked.

"Ah, there's the rub. Her due time in in August, and I will be on holiday then. She is on Nurse Franklin's list now." There was a careful concern in Phyllis's voice when she continued: "By that time, you have been in many births. I know how efficient these schooling institutions are. You will have the relevant experience by then."

Phyllis's mouth turned upwards with irony. "My holidays are sacred with me. Some well scheduled spinster delight. A week of square-dancing at a seaside resort, and a week in Spain."

They shared a belly-laugh at that. Shelagh had not felt this safe with anyone for a long time.

"So you think…I am up to it?" Shelagh asked, when they had calmed down.

Phyllis grew serious. "Kid - for kid you are to me – go and meet her. Meg. If you feel a connection with her, take up the task. Nobody forces you." She paused. "It takes only a little courage. By the way, your new blue and pink outfits really suit you. "

Shelagh murmured something unclear as an answer to that.

"We don't choose to be unloved by those who should love us. But you can choose who you can love." Phyllis's voice was sonorous and calm. "And you have chosen, haven't you?"

Shelagh smiled wistfully. Phyllis seemed to intuit quite a lot. Yet she was not ready to share confidences. "OK, I will meet Meg, I promise."

"Good girl." She kept silent for a while. "So, about that life story I so cruelly made you reveal…"

"Oh Phyllis, it was a relief to talk of it. It sometimes is."

"I assume from that life story that you are not in principle against 'leaving a copy of your graces to this world'. You should consider having children yourself, Shelagh."

Shelagh winced, yet her heart leapt from joy. It was nice that Phyllis could see her as a mother. "Twelfth Night. But that was said of Olivia."

"And now I say it to you. Be brave, as Viola. Shame will keep us in all kinds of prisons if we let it."