Chapter 5

I stood there and watched. Hands hanging limply at my sides and watched as Spike vamped out and lunged at Caleb. He brushed him aside barely sparing the blond infection a glance as he continued towards us.

Me.

I blinked feeling the fuzziness barely shift and still I didn't move even when the vampire landed on the storage tank. It broke and wine flowed over the cellar floor. It was a wave of red, like a small ocean and a vague line of scripture came to mind. Something about a red sea and then Caleb stood before me.

"Let's go!" it was Kennedy. She took over, leading the charge into battle instead of pulling back. I barely noticed the Bringers as they materialized and clashed with the Potentials. The sounds of battle faded to a dull echo, unimportant for the moment as I looked up.

Neither of us spoke, there was no need for words. We could see each other. There, in his eyes… he wanted more; he wanted to be a God, to bathe in the light…

Something inside me woke. I was drawn to him, yes but it wasn't him in the physical sense. I could barely make sense of this myself but I knew- there was something here that had to do with the Od VaiLumin.

Caleb inclined his head barely noticeable but attuned as I was to his every movement I saw it and returned the acknowledgement.

He moved off.

The sounds of fighting rushed in, a raucous cacophony of sounds undistinguishable from each other.

Kennedy got smacked into a barrel of wine and Rona went to her aid. All I saw was her swinging the mace at Caleb before I had to defend against another Bringer. He seemed to have an endless supply of these robed freaks. And everywhere, through all the shouts and screams I could hear him. His voice…

"Miss, I do believe you have your own problems you should be worrying about." Even though I know he's evil and he's probably about to kill one of the Potentials I couldn't help being drawn in by his voice.

"Oh, good. There's more of you." He sounded so pleasant and the whole time I just knew he was probably gutting one of the girls…

With a rush of anger I threw off the Bringer and slashing across sent his head flying into the melee.

"Faith." So the cavalry arrived just in time to add to the massacre. I turned to the closest Potential and grabbed her arm yanking her out of harms way. I turned with a round house and snapped the Bringers neck then faced the girl again. She was trembling, eyes unfocused as she stared at the ground.

"Listen!" I shook her until she glance up at me. "Get a grip or you will die." That seemed to bring some life to her otherwise dead eyes. "Start pulling back. Help who ever you can find and get the fuck out. Now!" she moved jerkily at first and then realizing that we were leaving she fought in earnest helping another fallen girl to her feet.

I turned to find another Bringer, knife glinting in the dull light as it came down to another Potential. Before I realized it my Sai flipped through the cellar slicing though the Bringers arm. The knife fell along with the bottom portion of his arm on the Potential who shrieked in horror at the stump on her chest. She slapped it off scrambling to her feet just as I slid the end of the Sai into the Bringers back. He made no sound as I shoved him away and retrieved the other Sai.

"Get out." I ordered and the girl jumped to obey.

"Good folk, bad folk," Caleb's voice drew me and I turned as he grabbed Chao-Ahn. "Clean folk, dirty folk..." the sound of her neck snapping ricocheted inside my skull. I watched as her lifeless body dropped to the ground in a heap.

"No...!" some one screamed and when I looked up Caleb had Molly.

"What can I say?" he replied with a gentle smile. "I work in mysterious ways." His knife slid into her easily, like going through butter. "Also some fairly straightforward ones."

Again I watched as another girl fell to the ground and I just stood there. I wasn't doing anything.

"Move, Phade! Move your ass! Kill something!!"

"Kill…" yeah, that's what I was here for. To kill the Bringers, dust Ubervamps and help the girls. So why was I just standing here?

An enraged yell slipped past my throat and I yanked two Bringers from the re-treating girls. There were more coming and seeing the cross bow just lying there I grabbed it up and threw it at one of them.

"Take position up there!" I pointed at the top of the stairs. "You put a fucking arrow in as many as you can! And don't you fucking move until I say so!" the girl was too frightened to disobey and quickly took her position.

I moved into the thickest part of the fighting, turns out its where most of the Potentials trying to leave got held up by Bringers.

"Fresh meat, boys." I smiled taking a head and fist to my face. "Fuckin-!" that hurt but I didn't have time to wallow in it seeing as there were plenty of shiny sharp blades coming my way. I'm not exactly sure how I got out of there but I was bleeding by the time those Bringers were dead. Bleeding, sore, my face stung from the cut. It was throbbing so I knew it was a nasty gash and it wouldn't stop bleeding.

"Let's go! Come on!" I turned frowning. Xander was helping Kennedy up then he handed her off to another girl as he looked back for any stragglers.

Caleb grabbed him, spun him around so they were facing each other.

"No." I felt that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "No, no, no."

"You're the one who sees everything, aren't you?" his hand moved back just in front of Xander's face as I raised my arm. "Well, let's see what we can do about that." His thumb plunged into Xander's left eye as the Sai left my hand.

Xander's pained scream echoed through me as I ran towards Caleb. Another blurry figure got him before I could and Xander was free.

"Xander! Come on." Buffy urged as we hauled him up and towards the stairs. Spike was right on our heels. I glanced back and saw Caleb sitting up watching as we rushed up the stairs. He didn't follow us then he stood and smiled while we left.

”

I watched them, all the girls we took to the Vineyard. The ones who weren't hurt helped those who were. Some still couldn't believe what happened. Three Potentials died and they all knew it could easily have been them.

I walked around, looking in on each girl. I watched Buffy do her round, checking each one, quietly accepting responsibility for this disaster. The worst injury was the gut stab and broken arm, I wasn't counting Xander among the girls, his injuries were beyond them, beyond what I could understand because he was part of her family.

Everyone else had bruises, sprains, minor cuts and scrapes. That's what we could see, inside? In their minds these girls were already picturing themselves gutted, necks broken, stabbed or eaten. Either way they had their coffins picked out and were six feet under.

They either glowered or ignored Buffy. I'd hate to be in her shoes just then. She'd made a mistake, rushed in thinking she had one over on the bad guys… I hoped Rupert and the others wouldn't start on the 'I told you' parade. Not that I couldn't blame them but how was that helpful?

I followed her into the hallway. The hospital staff hadn't asked many questions as to why we had so many girls hurt or in one large group. I guess living on a HellMouth has it advantages in times like these but what a bitch…

"Summers." She stopped in the middle of the hall. Her back stiffened and the droop of her shoulders disappeared instantly before she turned around.

I had to side step an orderly and avoid another as I caught up. It annoyed me so when I finally faced Buffy there was a guarded expression in her eyes. She was probably thinking the same thing I had been thinking about laying the blame and pointing fingers.

"Where are you headed?" I asked in a softer voice and replaced the annoyed frown with what I hoped was an amiable one.

"Xander…" was all she said and the tears gathering in her eyes made them luminous. She motioned vaguely down the hall. I nodded and moved towards the general direction. She turned hesitantly and we walked slowly.

I felt just a little out of place and received a couple of curious looks from orderlies and nurses alike. I ignored them wishing I'd kept my jacket instead of leaving it in the Shelby with my hunting gear. Tank top and leather pants, not hospital attire.

"I know what you're thinking." She said still not looking at me. I sighed and shook my head.

"Nope, you really don't." I glanced at her seeing the guilt clinging to her. "But I can venture a guess at your thoughts."

Her green eyes sparkled dangerously. I offered her a small smile motioning to her head. "I'm not peeking. I don't have to. You're not so hard to read, Buffy." I didn't tell her all anyone had to do was pay attention and all I'd been doing since I got here was watch them. "You feel responsible. You led those girls into a well laid trap against your Watcher's protests and theirs." Her face hardened, jaw clenched in anger but I was only telling her the truth. She knew it. "You're not the only leader to fall for it and you won't be the last."

I smile seeing her surprised look. She hadn't seen that coming. I noticed the small sign for the chapel and pulled her in. Now I was surprised and unsure of how to proceed. I mean all I wanted was to give her a bit of an uplifting morale booster sort of pep talk.

It was quiet in here with the scent of candle wax. After a moments hesitation Buffy walked to one of the pews and sat down. The droop returned to her shoulders and she sighed audibly. I didn't know how to go about telling her she shouldn't blame herself so much for mistakes past and future ones because after all she's only human. She's an extraordinary human but human none the less.

"I wasn't much good to them." She said. "He knocked me down. One punch and I'm out." her palm slapped her thigh with a loud clap in the quiet chapel.

"Yeah well…" I sighed heading to the pew. She made room for me as I sat next to her. "I wasn't much good either."

She threw a curious glance my way and after a moment I finally admitted my own weakness.

"From the moment he stepped out of the shadows I couldn't take my eyes off him. Even now, if I close my eyes, I can still recall every detail of him right down to the small wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. His voice lulled me; I barely noticed the sounds of battle or the girls as they screamed. He just-." I shook my head leaning back into the pew and stretched out my legs until they touched the pew in front of us. How could I explain the familiarity I'd felt when I wasn't sure what-.

"You got hot over the evil preacher?" I jerked towards her seeing the slightly amused frown and sat up so fast I banged my knee, hard.

"What?" I rubbed at my knee scowling at Buffy. This was her fault. "No, I mean- well No. Absolutely NOT." I said with an unyielding tone. "I'm married for Christ's sake!" her eyes widened at the admission and I could've fucking slapped myself! What the hell's wrong with me?

"You're…?" she hesitated looking incredulous and confused all at the same time. I wasn't sure how to feel about her reaction, I mean, is it that hard to believe a man would want to marry me?

"You have a family?" I was quiet for a moment trying to figure out what and why she was asking me this.

"Yes." I replied warily. "Big one actually." She was listening attentively so I didn't think she was gonna poke fun at me. "Typical Mexican family. Six brothers, two sisters, Dad, husband." Then in a quieter voice it was almost a whisper; "My son."

We were both quiet each of us smiling though quite differently.

"You're lucky." She said softly. I glanced at her hearing the sad tone.

"Why?" she looked sort of wistful and it was obvious she had no idea what a pain it was to have that many older brothers or sisters for that matter. We only had the one bathroom for the longest time.

"I always wanted-." She stopped halfway and I wondered if she were thinking of the Key. The one parading around as her little sister when she knew good and well it was just a copy made from her DNA. In a way that's the closest thing she's had for a family.

"You're young, you could have your ow-."

"No." it was a flat unbending 'No' and I could see her gathering her armor, putting up her walls and shielding herself again. "I'm the Slayer. I don't get the normal life-."

I laughed, really laughed and again Buffy glared her green eyes hard as agates. The girl really has the stare down pat any vampire would be stupid not to heed the warning.

"That's your excuse?" I shifted on the bench so I sat facing her one arm resting on the back of our pew. "You're scared Buffy. You're afraid you'll get your heart broken or loose another loved one so you pull away from friends, family, lovers…" I could see that last one hit a nerve. Was she thinking of Angel?

"I don't-."

"You do." I cut her off before she got going. "You're missing out on the so called 'normal' life because it's not the normal everyone else has." She was listening though I wasn't sure she believed what I was trying to tell her. "Buffy, who's to say this isn't normal? Who says everyone else out there has normal lives?"

"It's complicated." She looked away and I swear I wanted to strangle her!

"That's life!" I exclaimed in exasperation. "So you're the Slayer. You've died twice and hey! You're still here. You really care how when you can see those girls need you? What about Willow and Xander or Rupert?"

"Xander got hurt because of me. He lost his eye-." She looked guilty as if she'd been the one to gouge out his eye. I doubted she'd ever stop beating herself up over it.

"And it was going to happen sooner or later. It just happens this was it; this was his time to pay the price for helping out the Powers That Be." I was full of righteous anger now. "Anybody says it's your fault should look to Kennedy. It was her Xander was helping when Caleb decided to play squish the eye ball."

"I thought you weren't pointing fingers." Buffy commented sitting back in the pew as comfortable as the hard wood would let her.

"I'm not because every time you point one there's three more pointing right back at you." I sighed trying to calm down and pulled on my braid undoing the end until my hair flowed loosely. "All I'm saying is, you don't have to cut yourself off from everyone. You know some of those girls are going to die. You can't save them. They were chosen."

She was quiet for a moment contemplating what I'd said and somehow I didn't think this was good.

"Willow and Xander?" she asked and it didn't exactly feel like a good thing. "They weren't chosen."

See what I mean? Here I am thinking the girl is getting the point I'm trying to make and she just- God pero si será terca la mula!!

"You think the Powers That Be don't plan on shit like this? Come on!" I asked more than a little out of patience with her. "Just you being in Sunnydale-." I shook my head incredulously as I tried to explain the way the higher beings thought. Not that I'm some fucking authority on how they think. "The Powers That Be like to fuck with everyone's lives. So what if they're not Potentials. Willow and Xander still have their parts to play and sure they stick around for you but you really think they wouldn't make the same choice if you'd never come to the HellMouth?" the chapel echoed back my words but it was true. Everything I'd said. Both her friends were champions for the Powers That Be they just didn't have the title or the recognition that went with it. "It's in them."

Maybe she wasn't ready to hear this, to try and accept that the Powers That Be were pulling their strings asking for sacrifices no one was ready to make and getting thrown in anyway. I knew I was right about them though. Both Xander and Willow stuck to Buffy not just out of loyalty but because they knew it was the right thing to do. They knew that Buffy was the first defense against any evil coming into the world so where else were they going to go if they wanted to stay alive?

"Are you always…" Buffy trailed off trying to come up with a word to describe me so I decided to lend a comedic hand.

"So persuasive?"

What can I say? I'm not much of a comedian.

"I was gonna go with domineering, overbearing a bit tyrannical but persuasive…" she shrugged. I couldn't help the laugh. Here was a lighter side to the woman who always seemed to be so rigid.

"Yeah, I'm all of those and a bitch." I admitted though I didn't hear her denying it. "God what a lousy week!" I grumbled leaning back into the pew. "You don't even have a decent mall." I gripped.

"It's brand new! Just rebuilt-." Buffy bit off the last of her comment but I could smell the story.

"Go on, finish." Because this was going to be interesting.

"I kinda blew it up." She looked away a slight blush staining her face.

"Oh-ho!" my laugh echoed in the chapel and I lowered my voice feeling like I was at a real church and blurting out 'Oh I get it!' like I did when I was trying to figure out a joke the pastor had told during his sermon. See? Not much with the jokes and everyone in that church knows it.

"You blew it up? Now there's a good story. Spill." I commanded with a huge grin.

"No, not really. I mean I was trying to get rid of Angelus." She tried to play it off but the uncomfortable silence was there.

"How many times did your guy go evil genius?"

"You mean counting this last time?" she asked sardonically. Well, now it was my turn to be silently uncomfortable. On second thought, "Willow brought him back before he could do any damage. He actually helped us out while being all evil."

The plan was to talk him up, stir some of those old feeling, fan the embers and all that load of- you get it.

"You should've seen Angelus. He was all piffy- he really thinks a lot of himself." I hadn't thought about that or the stupid way in which he kicked my ass. That's what I thought because I'd been stupid and let him get the upper hand then had to run away in order not to get eaten. Then Angel would be all gloomy and broody because he would've been thinking he ate me… wow that's a lot of 'what if' type of thinking.

"You know," maybe talking about Angel is a better way of getting Buffy to remember all the good things. "You never really get over your first love and Angel-."

"Who does he look like?"

Ok what? Shouldn't she know what Angel looks like?

"Who?"

"Your son. What's his name?"

Oh, she's trying to change the subject. Well, I must've been pretty obvious myself for her to try this. Fine, there's time to talk him up again later.

"Sebastián." I smile then frowned at her. "And no, not like the little mermaid." She chuckled at that making the 'aww' face but it wasn't the reason why I chose his name. I just liked it, liked the way it sounded and it was easy for my beaners to pronounce and simple enough for the Anglos not to chop it all up when they tried saying it.

"I can see his father in him. Not always but sometimes… it's in a look or the way he moves-." I guess she noticed the underlying anger or maybe it was the scowl on my face.

"I guess marriage isn't all that wonderful." I knew her parents were divorced and she hadn't grown up with the example I'd had with my parents. They'd been married fifty nine years before my Mom-. Well, they were very happy and so was I.

"No- I mean it is. I am happy, Buffy. I'm just not married to Bastián's father." She made the 'Oh' face and I knew the questions wouldn't be far behind. Why was I telling her so much about my life? This was more than I'd shared with Ryan during all those months with the Hell's Angel's. He was my husband and still I hadn't told him half of this stuff. He knew my Mom was dead but I hadn't told him. Somehow he'd managed to have that conversation with my Dad, broken English and all with no doubt some help from Bastián.

'You told Dean.'

God damn don't you ever shut up? If that little voice ever gets corporeal I'm going to kill it.

"So what's he like?"

I got the impression she just wanted to hear what it was like to have the 'normal' life. You know, the husband, child a family. So I did. I told her about Ryan and how we met playing up the funny parts though they hadn't been funny at the time. Hey, I thought they were crazy evil scientist and it turns out they're just crazy scientist. She seemed to think it was funny how he just 'manhandled' me.

"Hey, he practically threw me over his shoulder cave man style." Buffy laughed forgetting for the moment about all the bad waiting for us outside the chapel.

"Cordelia was a higher being?" she sounded incredulous and I couldn't agree more! I left out the whole Angel going nuts trying to find her or that he had a son. I mean that's not going to promote loving feelings towards Angel and that was my goal. So sue me! I like the happy ending to a tragic romance and these two couldn't be more tragic if they tried.

"He lets you hunt? Just like that?" the question implied she'd had trouble in this area.

"I take it you've had problems with this?" she nodded imperceptively and I sighed thinking of a way to work Angel into the answer. "They just weren't the right one." because they weren't Angel. "It takes a certain- special type of man or vampire with a soul, hint-hint." So what! I'm being honest here and glaringly obvious which she noticed. "To be ok with what we do. Ryan's seen a lot. He's been living this life for a few years now and he seems to thrive on it. He's seen some of what I can do and after our first… 'argument' he just sort of-."

"Caved?" she had that innocent look which had I not seen her using it before I would've believed to be genuine.

"Ha-ha." I replied dryly then I looked her over with more interest. "You know at first I thought you were just another ditzy blond, not much up there." I waved to her brain watching the scowl return to her delicate features. I was pissing her off again but if she waited until I was done she'd see this wasn't something she needed to get mad about. "Maybe you'd just been lucky so far to last this long but after all this… you're not half bad."

"Oh well, coming from you-." She mocked still not sure if she was supposed to be mad or not.

"It's a huge compliment, I know." The grin on my face took the sting out of the sarcastic comment. "Kinda tired me out though."

Buffy smiled in return probably wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

"All seriousness, you're doing an excellent job." I said and I meant it. "Don't doubt yourself."

”

There was one more person I wanted to speak with before I headed back to the house and checked up on the other Potentials.

I peeked in the room being careful not to disturb him and seeing that he was still asleep slipped in his room. The door closed soundlessly behind me and my feet made no sound as I moved to the side of his bed. He looked so pale against the white sheets; his good eye had a dark circle beneath and his cheeks had already begun to grow a healthy dose of stubble. I felt bad for him, for what the Powers That Be took from him.

"An eye for an eye."

I wondered who's eye his was replacing or if this was the start of getting even. It didn't matter and there was nothing I could do for him either. I didn't know about healing I wasn't a nurse let alone a doctor and the runes I had on my body had brought more than enough trouble for me that I didn't want to make Xander's life any harder than it was going to be.

The only thing I had to fall back on was what my Mother taught me and so I pulled the only chair to the side of his bed and sat down. I took one of his hands in mine and let the beads I'd been clutching fall loosely on my lap so I could work my way around the length.

In a soft whisper I began and soon the soothing monotone of the words became familiar again.

"Santa Maria, madre de dios, ruega por nosotros…"

”