Chapter 3
What Kind of Madgirl

"Stay between us," Herr Dex told Agatha Friday afternoon as they headed to the Gateroom, glancing across at Teyla. "We don't know what's gonna be waitin' for us at the other end. Should just be Gen. O'Neill, Gen. Landry, and Col. Carter, maybe the rest of SG-1. But if the IOA pulls anything, we'll keep you safe."

"I should hope they won't," Agatha replied, looking down at Torren, who was holding her hand. "But it doesn't hurt to be prepared."

Torren squeezed her hand but didn't say anything.

Col. Sheppard and Maj. Lorne were already in the Gateroom in dress uniforms, which Agatha hadn't seen before but admired. So, too, were Sgt. Banks and the other military personnel who were returning to Earth for the promotion ceremony, and the civilians were all in nice suits. Agatha wished she'd had time to make dresses for Violetta and herself that were nicer than the tea gowns they currently had on (purple and green, respectively), or at least to do more embroidery on them. But Teyla had noted that even Gen. O'Neill's retirement party was less formal than a high tea, and Dr. Keller had added that most people on Earth would consider 1890s clothing formal by default. Violetta was just thrilled to get to wear a dress and attend a party for a change, and Agatha... was hoping the weapons their cloaks were concealing wouldn't be necessary.

The tools in her pack were another story altogether.

Once the travelers were all assembled in the Gateroom, they formed a column of fours. Col. Sheppard, Herr Woolsey, Dr. McKay, and Maj. Lorne formed the first row; Herr Dex, Agatha, Torren, and Teyla came next; Violetta and Krosp stood behind them with Sgt. Banks and a Marine Agatha didn't know; and everyone else fell in further back. Agatha didn't feel crowded, exactly, but she did wonder whether it was a good idea for her to be this far forward in case of an emergency.

There wasn't time to worry about it, though. The technician on duty dialed the Gate, and a moment after the vortex settled, the column moved forward into the wormhole. The next instant—or so it seemed—Agatha stepped out into a large grey room with a metal ramp leading down from the Gate; the blue light of the wormhole brightened the space, and the stark featurelessness of the walls was relieved by a window into some sort of control center, but it was much less welcoming than the Gateroom in Atlantis. There were a lot of people about, many of them military, but the tension went out of Col. Sheppard's shoulders almost at once.

"Sheppard!" called a tall grey-haired, dark-eyed man in an Air Force uniform with three stars for his rank insignia. "Right on time!"

Col. Sheppard and Maj. Lorne both saluted, which the tall man returned.

"Yes, sir," Col. Sheppard replied. "No sense in being late, all things considered."

The tall man chuckled, and the people around him smiled. "Now, before you ask," he said more seriously, "one of my last acts as head of Homeworld Command has been to order all personnel to ensure Lady Heterodyne's safe conduct."

"And one of my first will be to confirm that order," said the man beside him, shorter and blue-eyed but with the same air of authority. He was also in an Air Force uniform but had only two stars as his insignia. "This time I think we can all agree that the IOA has overstepped its bounds."

Herr Woolsey nodded. "Thank you, Generals." As they reached the foot of the ramp, the group fanned out a bit to allow the other arrivals to pass behind them and let Agatha step forward at Herr Woolsey's invitation. "May I present Lady Agatha Heterodyne. Lady Heterodyne, Lt. Gen. Jack O'Neill, retiring head of Homeworld Command"—this was the tall man—"Maj. Gen. Hank Landry, currently head of Stargate Command"—this was the second man—"and Col. Samantha Carter, one of the pioneering members of Stargate Command and former commander of Atlantis."

The generals simply smiled and shook Agatha's hand. But Col. Carter, a kind-faced blonde with intelligent blue eyes, smiled more hesitantly and blinked as if in surprise as she shook hands. "Sorry," she said when Agatha looked at her curiously. "It's just... I feel like I already know you."

It was Agatha's turn to blink. "You're familiar with my story, then?"

Col. Carter hesitated for a split second. "You could say that."

"Col. Carter's been helping us with the research we needed from this end," Dr. McKay added. "You know, before they started putting her in charge of things, she was one of the SGC's foremost astrophysicists."

Agatha's eyebrows shot up. "Really! Well, then, I hope we get a chance to talk while I'm here."

Col. Carter's smile brightened. "I'd like that."

Agatha turned and motioned Violetta and Krosp forward. "May I also present my friends Krosp, emperor of all cats, and Lady Violetta Mondarev." Then she had to shut her eyes to stave off tears as a fresh wave of grief swept over her at all the names she couldn't add—Zeetha, Daughter of Chump, Royal Princess Guardian of Skifander; Prince Tarvek of Sturmhalten; my cousin Theopholous DuMedd and his wife Sleipnir; Gilgamesh Wulfenbach, heir to the Wulfenbach Empire...

Someone pressed a handkerchief into her hand, and she opened her eyes to see that it was Violetta. "Are you all right?" Violetta asked quietly.

Agatha drew a deep breath and nodded. "Just... wishing."

Violetta squeezed her hand again. "Me, too."

Then Col. Carter started introducing them to everyone else, beginning with Dr. Jackson, whose videos they had watched, and two men from a race called Jaffa, Teal'c and Bra'tac. A number of other alien dignitaries had also come for Gen. O'Neill's retirement party, and there were more high-ranking members of Stargate Command who wanted to meet Agatha. By the time she'd shaken hands with them all, her group had gone up two stories to a conference room that overlooked the Gateroom, and the Gateroom itself had been filled with chairs and flags for the promotion ceremony.

After that, an airman came to show Agatha, Violetta, and Krosp to their VIP quarters, where they could deposit their packs and cloaks, and give them a portfolio of papers meant to help them during their stay on Earth. And then they were off again, back to the Gateroom, to witness Gen. O'Neill pinning another star on Gen. Landry before transferring command, Gen. Landry replacing Col. Carter's eagle insignia with a single star, now-Gen. Carter giving Col. Sheppard eagles in place of the silver leaf he had worn, and so on. Several of the people being promoted, including Col. Sheppard and now-Lt. Col. Lorne, received various medals and citations of merit as well, as did a number of civilian members of the SGC. Agatha made careful note of what was awarded to whom and why; she had a feeling she'd want to acknowledge certain types of service, especially Van's and the Jägers' but also von Zinzer's, when she got home.

And then, as the ceremony seemed to be coming to an end, Gen. Carter said, "We have one last award to present, to someone who's been with the Atlantis expedition only a short time but has already had a significant impact on the lives of those who serve with her. Lady Heterodyne, would you join me?"

Startled and blushing slightly—oh, how she wished she'd had time to make a nicer dress!—Agatha stood and let a grinning Col. Lorne escort her up the ramp to stand beside the podium while Gen. Carter read a short description of her actions that led to the destruction of the Wraith cruiser. Her speech left out the part about the Wraith's reaction to Agatha's command voice, for which Agatha was very grateful, but emphasized the risk she had taken in confronting the Wraith in person and her skill in turning the situation to her best advantage, neither of which she had particularly thought about at the time.

"In recognition of her quick thinking and skill in saving not only the lives of her team but also those of the villagers on M2A-739," Gen. Carter concluded, "as well as untold thousands of Hoffan plague victims whose identities will remain concealed because of the Wraith's failure to obtain a test for the drug, it is my honor to award Lady Agatha Heterodyne the Air Force Command Civilian Award for Valor."

Col. Sheppard was the first man on his feet applauding as Col. Lorne carefully pinned the medal on Agatha's bodice, hugged her, and whispered, "Proud of you, Sparky." By the time he let her go and she turned back to face the audience, everyone was applauding, and all the Lanteans, the other generals, and several of the SGC's senior personnel were standing. Agatha suddenly felt like she was back in Zumzum, having her first curtain call with the circus, both delighted and terrified to be getting such a reaction to something she'd done.

(She wondered whether Master Payne had had time to get the circus settled in England before—no. She wasn't going to think any more such thoughts today. She was going to thwart the IOA and fix everything and go to England to see them on her honeymoon/goodwill tour and everything was going to be fine.)

Gen. Carter made some short closing remarks once Col. Lorne had escorted Agatha back to her seat, and then everyone went up to the mess hall for Gen. O'Neill's retirement party. Somehow Agatha wound up in a corner eating pie and talking with Teal'c, who had fascinating reminiscences to share once she drew him out by asking whether he had ever fought the Wraith. (He had, with Herr Dex, and Herr Coolidge made a none-too-valorous appearance in the story as well.) They were interrupted briefly now and again by people wanting to congratulate Agatha on her medal or give their regards to Teal'c, but all in all they spent a good hour or so in pleasant conversation. She couldn't help remembering her first tea with the Jäger generals on Castle Wulfenbach; Teal'c wasn't quite as Jägerish as Todd, but he still reminded her somewhat of Gen. Goomblast.

Eventually, however, Gen. O'Neill and Gen. Carter wandered over to them, arm in arm and beaming. "Hey, there y'are, T!" Gen. O'Neill said. "We've paid all our respects, I think, and been paid more respects than I think I know what to do with."

Gen. Carter giggled.

"So we are going to let the party carry on without us and head to Vegas. You coming?"

Teal'c gave Gen. O'Neill a knowing smile. "Indeed. Undomesticated equines could not prevent me from accompanying you on this mission, O'Neill."

Gen. Carter laughed like Teal'c had just told a very old joke, and Gen. O'Neill just grinned all the more and shook his head.

Then Gen. Carter turned to Agatha. "Col. Sheppard and his team are coming, too, and we'll be gone until Sunday night. Would you and your friends care to join us? Would sure beat spending the weekend here."

Agatha considered. "You know, I think I would. Thank you."

"Great! Meet us at the elevator in ten."

And with that, the generals moved on, and Teal'c went to tell Master Bra'tac what was happening. Agatha caught Violetta's eye—she was comparing notes with Vala Mal Doran, apparently—and nodded to the door, then started toward the table where Krosp was chatting with one Martin Lloyd, the alien who'd created Wormhole X-Treme!

As she walked, a young airman fell into step beside her. "Hey," he said by way of greeting. "So you're going with the generals, huh?"

"Yes," Agatha replied. "They were kind enough to invite me."

"You know why they're goin' to Vegas, right?"

"Does it matter?"

"Oh, I dunno. I just kinda thought maybe you might be willing to take a gamble and do the same thing with me."

She suspected he thought she knew more about this Vegas place than she actually did, but the presumption of the suggestion put her on her guard. "I have no intention of doing anything with anyone whose name I do not know," she stated, looking away from the fellow.

"Well, let me introduce myself, then," he said with a Come hither tone and grabbed her arm.

Agatha didn't even think. She spun, kneed the idiot hard in the groin, and slammed his head face-first against the edge of the nearest table, breaking his nose. "Do not touch me again, ever," she growled.

The sudden silence, apart from the idiot's moaning from where he'd collapsed on the floor, was broken by a pronouncement from halfway across the room: "It was self-defense," said Col. Sheppard.

Violetta was at Agatha's side a second later, and Krosp a second after that. "My lady?" Violetta prompted.

"I'm all right," Agatha replied quietly in Romanian as someone radioed for a medic. "He just went a step past being fresh, that's all."

"Are you sure, sir?" someone else asked skeptically.

"Lady Heterodyne's not in the habit of attacking people at random," Col. Lorne noted.

"I saw the whole thing," said Herr Lloyd. "He grabbed her arm—I think he was... er... about to try something stupid."

"It was self-defense," Gen. O'Neill said with an air of finality. "Let's go."

With that, the party that was going to Vegas, which apparently also included Drs. Keller, Zelenka, and Beckett along with Sgt. Banks and several others from the Earth contingent, headed out of the mess hall. Herr Dex and Sgt. Banks, who insisted that Agatha start calling them Ronon and Amelia, escorted Agatha, Violetta, and Krosp back to the VIP quarters to retrieve their gear, and they reunited with the rest of the group precisely on schedule. Col. Sheppard had located a pet carrier for Krosp, who wasn't happy about having to be carried but understood the necessity; once he was settled, they were off.

Agatha had, at some point, realized that the SGC was underground. She hadn't guessed how far underground until the elevator reached the top... and they were only on Level 11. It took a second elevator to reach Level 1. They left the building—which turned out to be under a mountain!—just as the sun set, but she had only a moment to appreciate it before a large horseless carriage (a van, she thought it was called) arrived to take them across town to another Air Force base, where Gen. O'Neill had reserved a jet. Said jet had... well, some similarities to Gil's flying machine, but the wings were more solid and fixed, and the engines looked different. The passenger area was different, too, being enclosed and nicely furnished, almost like a tea room. Col. Sheppard stopped her from running off to investigate by promising to get her a full set of plans for Christmas.

Honestly, Agatha wished she had the plans then and there, and not just to satisfy her curiosity. Having something to study would have helped her feel less overwhelmed. She'd seen airplanes and cars and present-day Earth cities in the movies she'd watched thus far, of course, but seeing the real thing in person was a very different experience. And it wasn't quite the same as discovering the advanced technology of Atlantis. This was Earth, her planet, and yet... it was nothing like home.

Before she could fall into an awkward reverie, however, she heard someone ask in Romanian, "Is this seat taken?" She looked up to see Dr. Jackson smiling at her from next to one of the empty seats facing the row she and Violetta were occupying.

"It is now," she replied in kind, gesturing for him to sit down. "I didn't know you spoke our language."

Dr. Jackson chuckled and sat across from Violetta, setting Krosp's carrier in the other seat. "Perils of being a polyglot, I guess."

"How many languages do you speak?"

"Oh, I've lost count." His smile turned paternal. "But I figured you could use a taste of home after everything that's happened this afternoon. You were looking a little overwhelmed."

"Thank you. And thank you also for the instructional videos; they helped us get settled much faster than we could have otherwise."

"Oh, you're very welcome. So tell me about Mechanicsburg! I've been reading the Girl Genius comics, but I'm not sure I've quite got the feel of the place."

"Violetta can tell you more than I can," Agatha confessed. "I was there for only a week before we were kidnapped, and most of that time I spent in Castle Heterodyne. But Violetta worked with Bürgermeister Zuken for... what, three years?"

"Unfortunately," Violetta grumbled. "But it was safer than working for Tarvek."

Dr. Jackson started asking specific questions then, and the resulting conversation was so absorbing that Agatha scarcely noticed when the jet took off and when it landed again two hours or so later. Really, the only reason she noticed at all was that Krosp complained about the pressure changes hurting his ears. And then they left the jet and were ushered toward a line of waiting cars—Agatha, Violetta, and Krosp wound up with Dr. Beckett in the one being driven by Dr. Zelenka—and off they went into the city, which Dr. Beckett finally explained was called Las Vegas.

"It's a very popular tourist destination," he continued as Dr. Zelenka steered the car expertly through the night. "Most people come here to go gambling, but there are theaters and restaurants as well, and many of the big hotels have other attractions like—well, rather like that circus you said you were with."

"Yes, but with much more in the way of glamour and special effects," added Dr. Zelenka. "But I don't know whether we'll have a chance to see one."

"Tomorrow we might, I suppose. May depend on whether there's one that's safe to take Torren to."

"You realize we're here as much to play uncles as we are for any other reason."

"O'course. But we are talkin' about Torren, not the kids from 667. We'll be fine."

Agatha suddenly suspected why Torren might need babysitting, but she decided not to ask. She had a more pressing concern, anyway. "We have bank accounts here on Earth, don't we? I mean, Homeworld Command has been paying us for our work?"

Dr. Beckett shrugged. "Aye, you should have. I should think that information's in with the other papers they should have given you at the SGC; we can check when we get to the hotel. Why, you fancy a go at the tables?"

"No, actually, I was thinking of the shops. I don't have gifts for anyone, and... well, there's some research I'd like to do, and I'd prefer not to have to use my government-issued tablet for it."

The two men in the front seat exchanged a look that would probably have been longer were it not for traffic. "You realize even a new computer can be traced to the hotel's network," Dr. Zelenka noted.

"There are ways around that, aren't there?" Agatha asked mildly, looking out the window and marveling at how bright the sky was even though the sun had set long before their arrival and the moon hadn't yet risen. The stars were barely visible.

Dr. Beckett cleared his throat. "Right. You might want to pay cash and wear a coat with a hood. Violetta's hair, especially, would stand out on a security camera."

"If it's in color," Dr. Zelenka qualified.

"Sounds like a good idea in any case," Krosp piped up. "It's cold."

"You could have stayed back in Atlantis," Violetta noted. "But that does sound like a wise idea, my lady."

"Agreed," said Agatha. "So a clothing shop first, I suppose, and then a computer shop. But of course we need to check into the hotel first."

"And after that," said Dr. Zelenka, "there is one other thing we must do before we go out again."

The rest of the drive was fairly quiet, apart from Violetta and Agatha marveling to each other at the city that seemed to go on and on. Then their caravan suddenly turned off the broad road that had taken them southwest, drove around and under and through, and finally turned onto another road—Las Vegas Boulevard South, the sign proclaimed—that made Agatha and Violetta gasp.

"What?" Krosp demanded.

"So many lights," Violetta breathed.

"And there must be a thousand people on the side of the road, walking from place to place," Agatha added.

"Ten times that, more likely, milady," Dr. Beckett said. "D'ye know where we're goin', Radek?"

"They said Bellagio," Dr. Zelenka replied. "I think we can take Frank Sinatra north from there to get to the Forum Shops at Caesars; that's probably our best bet to get clothes, if there aren't shops in the hotel itself."

"This doesn't sound like the sort of thing Torren will want to be dragged to," Krosp observed. "I can watch him while you four do your shopping."

"Thank you, Krosp!"

The remaining drive to the massive Italianate hotel didn't take terribly long, and shortly thereafter Agatha found herself standing awed in the bright foyer while Gen. O'Neill went to the front desk to add "one more suite—two adults, one cat; no, they're both under 21." Perhaps only because he was a general, it worked. And no sooner were they settled in their room, which had a connecting door to the one occupied by Drs. Beckett and Zelenka, than Agatha and Violetta were hurried off again to the hotel's wedding chapel.

The reason, it quickly became apparent, was the wedding of Gen. O'Neill and Gen. Carter, who kept her maiden name. The ceremony was fairly simple and brief but lovely nonetheless; Agatha found herself mentally cataloguing a few ideas, though she suspected they'd be out of place in the Red Cathedral. Frau Mal Doran served as matron of honor, and Teal'c and Dr. Jackson split the duties of best man. Agatha understood why those three were there and why Col. Cameron Mitchell, who was another former teammate, and Master Bra'tac, an old friend, had been invited. She understood why Col. Sheppard and his team were there, since Gen. Carter had once been commander of Atlantis. The inclusion of other senior Atlantis personnel like Drs. Beckett, Zelenka, and Keller and Col. Lorne was a bit more of a stretch, but not a huge one. She just didn't understand why she and Violetta were there.

When the generals had been presented to the assembled witnesses as man and wife and had sealed the marriage with a kiss, however, the officiant called for Herr—er, Ronon and Amelia. Col. Sheppard stood as best man this time and Teyla as matron of honor, though Ronon joked that Dr. Keller should have been included in the wedding party because he would never have fallen for Amelia if Dr. Keller hadn't chosen Dr. McKay over him. There were a few differences in the ceremony this time, which Agatha assumed were Satedan traditions, but the vows had the same meaning.

Then, to Torren's great joy, Col. Sheppard and Teyla took their place in front of the officiant. Drs. McKay and Beckett and Col. Lorne stood up as groomsmen, and Amelia, Dr. Keller, and Gen. Carter served as bridesmaids. And when Col. Sheppard dipped Teyla back for one almighty kiss, the cheer that erupted could probably have been heard all the way back in Atlantis.

Agatha resolutely did not cry.

"You hangin' in there, Sparky?" Col. Lorne asked as the group left the chapel and headed toward the restaurant.

Agatha nodded. "It... wasn't as hard as I feared."

"Good, good. Yeah, I realized about the time we hit the Strip that we shoulda warned you. You've got, what, two suitors back home?"

"That I care about, yes. Martellus hardly counts."

Col. Lorne huffed in amusement.

Dinner was a somewhat boisterous affair, thanks to Frau Mal Doran and Col. Mitchell insisting on telling tall tales about the adventures of Gen. O'Neill and Gen. Carter. By the end of it, Torren was about ready for bed, so the girls took him up to their room, and Violetta made up the sofa for him to sleep on while Krosp showed Agatha the "debit cards" he'd found among the papers the girls had gotten at the SGC. Armed with those and the driving licenses for photographic identification, the girls were soon ready to rejoin Drs. Beckett and Zelenka and go shopping. Teal'c and Master Bra'tac, it seemed, were touring the conservatory and Drs. McKay and Keller the art gallery, while almost everyone else went to the circus show at the hotel's theater, but Col. Sheppard and Teyla had called it an early night.

Agatha was not going to think about wedding nights. She wasn't. She had other matters to attend to.

Dr. Beckett was a godsend when it came to navigating the clothing stores, of which there were in fact several within the hotel; and since Best Buy was even more overwhelming and closed at 9, Agatha was very grateful to have Dr. Zelenka's expertise to rely on so that they could get in and out quickly. Violetta did wonders in keeping Agatha more or less invisible to the security cameras, too. By the time they got back to the hotel, therefore, Agatha had almost everything she needed to make her plan work. Krosp and Torren were sound asleep in the living room when the girls returned to their suite, however, so Agatha made sure to close the bedroom door before unpacking her purchases.

"You're not starting on that now, are you?" Violetta whispered as Agatha booted up the small netbook she'd purchased.

"Do you think it would wake Torren for me to hum?" Agatha whispered back.

"I'm not sure. The room's hardly soundproof, but the door's solid."

"Right, well, I'll just try to keep it down, then. But I don't know how long this is going to take, and I have to be finished before we go back to the SGC. Say, do you think this place has a basement?"

"Probably. Why?"

"I had a look at one of the gaming areas as we passed it on the way to the shops." Agatha entered the network password to gain Internet access. "They have these clanks with levers on them."

"Yeah, slot machines. I've seen some like them in Paris."

"If they keep their old ones in the basement..."

"What?! No, no, no way, my lady."

"I won't build anything dangerous. Just a telluric wave conductor—or at least something that will pass for one. I'm sure I won't have time to test it, but Gen. Carter's probably the only one who can tell if it works or not. The main thing is to have built it."

"What for?!"

Agatha finished connecting to the proxy server and looked up to meet Violetta's eyes. "Leverage."

Violetta looked at her steadily for a moment, then nodded. "All right. You, um... you want some coffee?"

Agatha considered. "Not 'til morning. I really should let Torren sleep."

"Thank goodness. I just hope I can sleep."

"I'm not going anywhere, and if anybody breaks in, I've got my death ray right here."

"That's assuming they don't stun you first," Violetta groused but closed the curtains and started changing for bed.

Agatha ignored her and got to work. Todd's tricks got her where she needed to go within six hours, which gave her a bit of time to sleep before everyone else woke up and wanted breakfast. She did make a point of going down with the rest of the group (aside from Krosp) and being sociable; but she put the coffee on to brew before leaving the suite and begged off going sightseeing, which sufficiently alarmed Drs. Beckett and Zelenka that they came back with her to ensure that nothing exploded.

Nothing did. But Agatha somehow managed to use the netbook and the tablet at the same time without having her hands on both, which led Dr. Beckett to conclude that the Spark must be the result of a permanent state of near-ascension. Evidently something had happened to Dr. McKay to push him to the brink of ascension to another plane of existence, and one of the signs was his developing telekinesis. That explanation had to wait until Agatha slowed down enough to eat lunch, however, and by suppertime she wasn't even hungry anymore.

Torren stayed with his parents that night. That was probably wise.

In the end, though, the tactic paid off. Agatha got the last of the coding finished around 2, by which time Drs. Beckett and Zelenka had gone to bed and Krosp and Violetta had located a storeroom in a sub-basement that did have a few disused slot machines in it. The casino and some of the shops stayed open all night, but fortunately, Violetta had worked out how to bypass the elevator's limits, meaning that she could sneak Agatha into the storeroom without difficulty. One last cup of coffee saw Agatha through the process of modifying a slot machine for her purpose and connecting the netbook to it, which took an anxious hour. And then... well, then Agatha finally got some sleep and barely managed to rouse when it was time to check out of the hotel.

Agatha felt much better rested by Monday morning and strode into the meeting room with Violetta behind her at precisely 8:00. She had the key to her plan in her pocket, her new medal gleaming on her chest, and enough confidence to greet Herr Coolidge politely.

He did not return the favor. "Lady Heterodyne," he said curtly and gave her a dead-fish handshake. "I hope you don't think that medal gives you a license to go around attacking SGC personnel."

"I trust you will excuse the reflexes of a kidnapping victim who does not wish to suffer a repeat performance," Agatha returned evenly. "I have no intention of attacking anyone unless and until I am myself assaulted."

"Ah. Er. Well. Uh..."

An Oriental lady cleared her throat and stood up from the table. "Shen Xiaoyi," she said, offering Agatha her hand. "I represent the People's Republic of China."

"Frau Shen," Agatha acknowledged, shaking hands.

Frau Shen raised an eyebrow. "You know the custom of Chinese names, then."

"Yes. Dr. Sun at the Great Hospital of Mechanicsburg is Chinese, and I went to school with one of his granddaughters briefly."

Frau Shen's other eyebrow rose, and she looked faintly pleased. "I see." She then took charge of introducing Agatha to the rest of the IOA delegates who were present, most of whom looked either bored or disdainful.

That was okay. Agatha could work with that.

Herr Coolidge tried once more to start the meeting off on a bad note. "I don't remember Lady Mondarev being invited to these proceedings," he stated as Violetta closed the door and took her station behind Agatha's chair.

"Lady Mondarev is sworn to my service at the order of her liege lord, Prince Tarvek of Sturmhalten," Agatha replied. "Where I go, she goes. Only he has the authority to dismiss her, and obviously, he isn't here." This wasn't true in the strictest sense; Agatha could send Violetta out of the room on an errand. But she usually did so only when she thought there was little to no chance of anything happening in the meantime that Violetta would be able to prevent if present. This room was hostile territory; there was no way Agatha was sending Violetta away for even a millisecond.

"Some people would consider her presence a threat," Herr Coolidge pressed.

"Some people would wonder whether you have something to hide if you are so anxious that I appear here totally alone. I have already come without counsel, as Herr Woolsey was expressly forbidden from attending this meeting with me."

Herr Coolidge squirmed, and Agatha suddenly realized that the thing that was standing in front of her seat was a microphone. Oh, good, the meeting was being recorded. Excellent.

"Let us come at once to the point," she continued. "Because of the incident with the Wraith, you consider me a security risk. You do not want me to return to my own universe. You do not want me to leave Atlantis and continue trading offworld. You do not, I take it, wish me to remain in Atlantis, where I have continued access to alien technology and classified information. If that is so, neither do you wish me to remain at the SGC for the same reason. And you do not want me to live on Earth outside the SGC, as I presume I would be just as much of a security risk here. Yet you cannot wish to kill me and do not have the authority to order my execution even if you so desired. So what, pray tell, do you intend to do with me?"

The delegates looked at each other uncomfortably.

Then one, a Herr Strom, coughed and leaned forward. "There's actually a research project here in the Milky Way that needs your help. A group of our people is stranded on the far side of the universe aboard the Ancient ship Destiny, and we have been trying for the last four years to find a reliable way to get supplies to them, maybe even to get them home. We'd like to assign you to an offworld base dedicated to this particular project. The... alternative," he continued when Agatha raised a skeptical eyebrow, "would be for you to join our research team at Area 51."

"How many people are on this ship?" Agatha asked.

"Er, s-seventy-five, we... think. Look, the ship has been out of contact with Earth for three years for reasons beyond our control. We expect contact to be renewed any day."

"But until that happens, you have no way of knowing whether anyone has survived."

"We assume—"

"But you don't know. So you are asking me to abandon my people for what could be a fool's errand."

"The safety of our people has to come first. I'm sure you can understand that. And even if Dr. Zelenka's correct that this interdimensional rift you came through is near the surface of Earth, there's no evidence that it's posing any sort of threat that makes closing it nearly as urgent."

"Perhaps the threat you fear is already on this side of the rift," Agatha suggested quietly. "Or perhaps you simply don't know your own vulnerability. You remind me of a girl I once knew, Princess Zulenna Luzhakna of Holfung-Borzoi. She was a good fencer, but anyone who didn't play by the rules could get past her guard easily." Agatha looked down at her hands, not having to fake her regret. "Too easily, it turned out. Gil told me she was killed helping me escape. She was too proud to watch for treachery."

Herr Strom frowned. "What do you mean?"

"The Internet." Agatha leaned back in her chair. "I did some exploring this weekend, and I found a security weakness that anybody with the proper skill set could exploit to take control of every device that connects to the public network, no matter how simple, wireless or wired. The government's computers have this same weakness, though they do not connect to the public network. Still, it would be no great feat to overcome the air gap; one need only construct a simple telluric wave conductor close enough to a military installation."

"A what?" asked a French delegate.

Agatha ignored him. "Again, anyone with the proper skill set can build a telluric wave conductor. I learned the steps my first year at TPU."

The delegates exchanged another very uneasy look.

"Yes, I have created a program to take advantage of that security weakness. It requires very specific voice commands to activate. I have also prepared a full report explaining what the flaw is, how to repair it, and how to deactivate my program and the wave conductor without damage to any other systems." Agatha pulled a flash drive out of her pocket. "I am willing to give this report to Herr Woolsey on the day my friends and I are allowed to return to our own universe with all that we require to seal the rift and change the timeline." She put the drive back in her pocket. "However, for every fifteen minutes you continue to keep me here against my will, I shall activate one level of the exploit. Within two hours, every computer and every computerized device on this planet will be under my control and mine alone. And then, if you continue to refuse my request, I have ordered Lady Mondarev to remove my locket and tell my mother everything. And believe me, ladies and gentlemen, you do not want me to hand control of this world to The Other."

Several of the delegates broke out in a cold sweat. "H-ho-ho-how..." one stammered.

"A good madgirl never reveals her secrets," Agatha replied with a humorless smile, paraphrasing Master Payne. "An evil madgirl never leaves any witnesses. So tell me: what kind of madgirl do you want me to be?"

There was a tense silence before Herr Coolidge spat, "She's bluffing! Look at her—she's not even an adult! She's not even from this year! How can she possibly—"

"Venthraxus!" Agatha ordered, and all but the emergency lights went out. When the chorus of gasps subsided, she continued, "At the moment, my control extends no further than this room. You have fifteen minutes to decide whether you wish to risk the entirety of Cheyenne Mountain."

"We don't negotiate with terrorists," Herr Coolidge sneered.

"She would not have felt the need to take such steps if we had not backed her into this corner," Frau Shen retorted. "And she has a point. We have no way of knowing whether Destiny survived the crossing between galaxies. We do not have the right to exploit her for our own gain, especially given the reason she is here in the first place. I must agree with Richard's assessment; if we truly believe Lady Heterodyne is a threat, the best solution is to send her back where she came from."

"Col. Telford says—"

"Col. Telford's plans nearly cost us the alliance with Langara and did cost us the opportunity to use their Stargate to dial Destiny. And that is not the only failure in judgment he has displayed regarding Destiny, even if we ignore his falling under alien influence and becoming a spy for the Lucian Alliance. He is fortunate to retain his rank."

Behind her, Agatha heard Violetta check her pocket watch.

The French delegate ran a hand over his face. "Think, Carl. She is not just threatening personal computers. Think how many medical devices are run by computer, how many security cameras, child monitors—even cars, potentially. This flaw could put millions of lives at risk. And if we let her go, she will not just hold off her attack; she will tell us how to fix things so no one else can attempt the same attack."

"Bit surprised no one's attempted it before, if it's so simple," said one of the British delegates.

"Simple is a relative term," Violetta noted. "My lady is a spark. I doubt anyone else could have accomplished it as quickly." She left out the coffee, for which Agatha was grateful.

"Even so, if word gets out..."

"By the time word gets out, it will be too late," Agatha said and chose not to elaborate further.

Herr Strom sighed, stood, and paced for a moment, then turned back to Agatha shaking his head. "All right, all right. It was a foolish idea to try to strong-arm you, Lady Heterodyne. I apologize. We'll approve your requisitions and allow you to return to your own world."

"Thank you, Herr Strom," Agatha replied. "Apology accepted. Otilia!"

The lights came back on, and the delegates all sighed in relief—well, all except Herr Coolidge, who looked sour.

Herr Strom nodded once. "And your report?"

"My report, as promised, I will give to Herr Woolsey the day I leave Atlantis." Agatha stood. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I believe Col. Sheppard expects me for brunch. Merry Christmas." And before anyone could say anything else, she led Violetta out of the room.

Once they were out of earshot, Violetta murmured, "Wasn't 'Otilia' the command that turned the exploit into a firewall so no one can take advantage of the flaw?"

Agatha smiled. "They don't need to know that. Yet."

Violetta chuckled.