A/N: Okay, so I'm gonna take a vote. Are any of you interested in me doing one final chapter after Kaidan's that shows my FemShep's reaction to dying? I've got a few really good ideas for that (I might just make the chapter anyway, but I would like to know if anyone else besides me would want one like that. Be warned that it would have a lot of spiritual and "metaphysical" aspects to it that the others chapters distinctly lack since the others are all alive and she's obviously not…).
But anyway, either way, I hope you enjoy.
Lucas is devastated.
She's gone. Alena, his sister, the only family he has left, is dead.
He doesn't want to believe it. But Joker is crying, and Kaidan is shouting, and the escape shuttle is empty behind the pilot's back, and he knows deep down that it's true. He can't tear his eyes away from the empty vessel. Bile bubbles up in his stomach - it is with great effort that he keeps it down. Tears prick his eyes, but he blinks them back. With both Alena and Pressly dead, he is now the ranking officer of this crew. He has to keep it together.
Allie's funeral nearly destroys him. Up until he's actually experiencing the service itself, the full reality of what happened doesn't hit him. But as he listens to the speaker read his sister's obituary, something in him snaps. Reality hits him like a freight train, and his throat closes. A strangled sob rips out of his throat - and when he is called up to speak, it's all he can do not to collapse into a weepy mess.
The first thing Lucas does when he returns to the Citadel is head back to his apartment in the Wards and crash on the couch. Burying his face in the cushions, the man finally gives into his grief and cries. His entire body convulses with sobs and he pulls his N7 hoodie closer around him, taking comfort in the familiar fabric. This continues for about half an hour before he finally cries himself to sleep.
He is thinking about her almost constantly in the following months. How can he not? She's his little sister. He'd promised himself that he would never let anything happen to her, and… well, look at what's happened since. Their family slaughtered on Mindoir. Her entire squad eaten by thresher maws on Akuze. Her brain zapped by a Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. Saren nearly breaking her neck of Virmire.
Her getting thrown out into space trying to save Joker while Lucas is unconscious inside an escape shuttle.
Some big brother he is.
It's his fault. He should've been there with her. Maybe, if he'd been there… well, at the very worst he would've died with her. Part of him wishes that he had. The other part feels guilty about wishing that, especially considering how much of a mess Kaidan has become since Alena's death. Lucas is sure that Ash would handle his death better than Kaidan is handling hers, but he knows that she would still grieve, and he doesn't want to put her through that. He loves her too much to even consider it.
He spends his free time in the gym with the punching bags, beating the crap out of the stuffed sacks until his arms are sore and the skin on his hands is rubbed raw. Punching things keeps him preoccupied, so that he doesn't have to focus on his grief. As long as he's hitting something, he can avoid collapsing into a sobbing mess. That's the last thing he wants to do.
He's tired of the nightmares and the sleepless nights. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her; he watches her die over and over again. And it's not just her, either; he sees his parents getting melted by particle beams, his uncle Barry shredded with a knife, his aunt Zoe impaled with a sharpened stick, his brother Jason pitch backward with a hole in the center of his forehead… all of his worst memories are brought to the surface, suffocating him.
He swings his fist with all his might, so hard that the punching bag is torn from its chain and goes flying across the room. Scowling, he tears off his boxing gloves and stomps over to retrieve the ruined bag. He's just leaning over to haul it up when he notices someone lurking in the gym's entrance. He straightens up.
"Hiya, Skipper," Ashley Williams says casually, giving him a little wave. "What's up?"
Lucas forces a smile. "Nothing much. I was just…" He gestures at the punching bags. He tries to act casual, but if the furrowing of her brows is any indication, she's not buying it.
She pushes herself out of the doorway and walks over to him. When she's about three feet away, she stops and looks him over.
"You okay?"
He shrugs. "Yeah."
Ashley clearly doesn't believe him. She crosses her arms over her chest and raises her eyebrows. "Really? 'Cause you look like someone just drowned your goldfish."
Lucas scowls. "I'm fine, Ash."
"Bullshit."
His mouth opens to spout out a retort, but words fail him. Ash knows him too well to be fooled by any mask he tries to put on. There's no point in trying to hide from her.
He wilts, allowing his carefully maintained facade to crumble. His hands relax at his side, pulling out of the tight fists he'd clenched them into. He hangs his head in shame.
"It's my fault," he says quietly.
Ashley's expression softens. With a sigh, she leans forward and pulls him into an embrace. He hesitates for a moment before returning it. If he was in his right mind, he would've protested doing this in such a public place - anyone can walk in and see them, and then it's all over. But he isn't in his right mind. He's scared and lonely and in pain and all he can think about is the Normandy exploding behind him with his little sister still aboard, and he's just happy that Ashley's there with him, reminding him that he still has something to live for. If it wasn't for her, he probably would have killed himself already.
She doesn't tell him that it's going to be okay, because obviously it isn't. She doesn't even tell him that it isn't his fault, because she knows he won't believe her.
Instead, she leans in close and quotes Tennyson in his ear. Her voice washes over him, and Lucas closes his eyes, feeling the tension slowly leach out of him. He begins to shake. His vision starts to blur. Warm water streaks down his face, but he ignores it. His focus is on the sound of Ash's voice in his ear, rich and smooth, reminding him of the good things he still has, rather than the ones he lost; of the lover still with him, rather than the sister gone forever.
And for a moment - just a moment - Lucas Jonathan Shepard is at peace.