A/N: Phew, the last week and a half have been INSANE… So much scrambling around with senior project stuff, choir league, other homework… ugh, my workload is ridiculous. It's weeks like these that make me wish I was a middle schooler again. This chapter should've been done a LONG time ago… but as it is, circumstance has delayed it for a while. Oh well…

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the character affected worst by the event, the man of the hour - Kaidan!

Enjoy.

Kaidan is broken.

He has never hated himself more than he does right now. He never should have let Alena go back alone. He should've insisted that he go with her to rescue Joker. He should've refused to leave her behind.

He should've. But he didn't.

And now she's gone.

Kaidan doesn't cry right away. First he gets angry. He almost attacks Joker when he realizes Alena isn't with him. Lucas and Liara literally have to physically restrain him to keep him from punching the man. Even after he's regained his composure, he can't stop himself from throwing a deadly glare in Joker's direction before turning and storming off.

At sixty meters away, his legs give out. Dropping to his knees in the freshly-fallen snow, Kaidan buries his face in his hands. Out of earshot and nearly out of sight of the others, he starts to sob. He sobs and sobs until his throat is sore and his eyes hurt and then keeps sobbing, doubling over into a fetal position as his grief swallows him whole.

It takes half an hour for the tears to stop, and even then it's only because he's cried himself dry. He kneels in the snow for a while longer, shuddering and dry heaving, before finally pulling himself to his feet. He trudges back to the others, furiously scrubbing at his damp cheeks. They graciously choose not to comment.

He doesn't want to live. Every day after the crash, he is reminded over and over again of his loss. The coffin at Alena's memorial service. The pieces of Reaper debris still strewed about the Citadel. Her likeness displayed on Alliance recruitment ads. Other little bits and pieces, most seemingly unrelated and irrelevant on the surface but poignant and all too important to someone who knew her well.

And most important, of course, to someone who loves her.

Kaidan's therapist calls it survivor's guilt. "It's normal," she tells him. "It'll pass."

Right. Like she understands what it's like for your entire world to go up in flames - literally - right after you started believing that you might just have a future. Like she knows how it feels to witness your lover die in agony while you watch helplessly from the safety of an escape shuttle. She doesn't understand anything about him; doesn't understand that he feels like someone cut into his chest and carved out his heart with a pocket knife; doesn't understand that that he dreads waking up in the morning to life without Alena in it; doesn't understand that Kaidan's "suicidal recklessness", as his superiors so eloquently put it, is due to losing half of himself and being unable to cope. She doesn't know what it's like to lose the love of your life.

When things are especially bad, he turns to alcohol. He knows she wouldn't want him to - Alena didn't drink much, claiming that it "dulled the senses", and she hated it when people used it as a coping mechanism - but he doesn't know what else to do. Nothing else helps. He can't escape his grief by normal means - so he drinks his sorrows away.

On one such day, things explode out of control. He's at Flux at the time, downing shots and trying not to throw up all over the bartender, when a turian slightly to the left of him makes a snide remark about Alena. An Alliance recruitment ad is playing on the vidscreen, depicting her face for all to see, when the turian snorts.

"Right. Why are they using this crazy woman to get people to join their military?"

At the word "crazy", Kaidan's back stiffens. In an instant, he's already turned and decked the turian in the face, screaming obscenities and death threats as he comes and takes another swing at him. The turian dodges and takes a swing of his own, striking Kaidan in the chest. He responds by kneeing his opponent in the gut (which isn't very effect against the man's armor, but hey, Kaidan's drunk; he's not exactly thinking things through).

On and on the battle rages, the two men punching and kicking and screaming at each other as Flux erupts into a full-out bar brawl. Tables are smashed. Dishware goes flying. People are shouting and fighting as Flux staff members cower behind the bar counter or attempt to break up the fight. The bouncer surges forward, attempting to quell the violence, but a stray punch sends him flying.

Kaidan's eye is blackened and his nose is bleeding, his biopics are rippling out of control all across his skin, and a migraine is flaring up inside his skull, but he keeps going, hitting and kicking futilely at his opponent, trying unsuccessfully to take him down. This could continue for a few hours; but right then, a roaring voice carries over the crowd;

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Everyone freezes. It goes so quiet that, if not for the tinny club music playing over the loudspeakers, you could hear a feather drop. Kaidan turns his head towards the doorway. There, with his arms crossed over his chest and a deep scowl etched across his face, stands Lucas. He glares around the room, his blue eyes sharp with anger. His pose and expression are so similar to some of Alena's that Kaidan has to stifle a sob.

"It sounded like someone was getting killed in here!" the other Shepard snaps. "What is wrong with you people?!"

A young asari points at Kaidan and the turian. "They started it."

Lucas follows where she's pointing, locking his gaze on the biotic. His eyes widen slightly before he schools his expression back into his neutral commander mask. Frowning, he turns his attention back the the asari.

"I don't care who started it," he growls. "I'm ending it. Everybody, go home!" he adds, his voice rising in volume. "You've put enough stress on the staff as it is."

Grumbling, the patrons all begin shuffling out, glowering at Lucas as they pass. The turian throws Kaidan one last dirty looks before storming out. But Kaidan doesn't move. His body aches. His head is spinning. He wants nothing more than to keep lying there on the floor and never get up. But Lucas has other ideas. As the last stragglers trickle out of the bar, the man stalks over to Kaidan and stands over him.

"On your feet, lieutenant," Lucas barks.

"Ngh…" Kaidan replies. He doesn't move.

Lucas scowls. "Up. Now." He kicks his leg. Kaidan glares at him. "Do you want me to pull rank?" the commander demands.

Glowering, Kaidan attempts to stand. He stumbles. Everything tilts sideways, and he blacks out.

He wakes up back at his apartment with a splitting headache. A blanket is thrown haphazardly over his prone form. There is a glass of water, some pain pills, and two granola bars on his nightstand. Right beside them is a datapad.

Kaidan grabs the water and the pills and downs them together in one gulp. He feeling a little nauseous, so he ignores the granola bars. He picks up the datapad and flicks it on.

There are several different files stored on it. He opens the first one.

It's a typed note;

Kaidan, I know you miss Alena. Believe me, I miss her just as much as you do. Maybe even more… I don't know… my point is that you need to hold it together. I know it's painful. I know it's hard. But this isn't what she would want.

I know you blame yourself for what happened to her - don't. It's not your fault. She never would have let you run into the fire like that, and you know it. She sent you back to save your life - don't belittle her sacrifice by throwing that away.

This datapad contains some pictures and recordings of Alena that I had saved on my omni-tool. Figured you could use some mementos. I hope they help more than they hurt.

Take care, Kaidan.

- L

-P.S. Take it easy on the happy juice. Alcohol and migraines don't mix well. And take a shower. You really smell.

Kaidan manages a watery smile. Lucas may not be great at the whole "comfort" thing, but he's glad that the guy is trying. It's the thought that counts, right?

Taking a deep breath, Kaidan closes the note and opens the next file. And if there are tears in his eyes as he watches the attached video recording, well, that's all just part of the healing process.

Wow… this chapter is way longer than I planned. WAY longer. Phew. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Next (and last) chapter is Alena's. Stay tuned.