Chapter 12

Ever since I was a little girl the thing I've wished for, hoped for, and dreamed about most, has been to find true love, get married and live happily ever after. So far I've had three boyfriends that I thought I loved. There was a severe flaw in each of them though.

My first boyfriend was Sammy, and he wasn't anywhere near in love with me. That was okay, I didn't actually love him either, but it didn't mean that it was okay for him to cheat on me. Matthew said he loved me, and acted like he loved me, but when it really came down to it, he loved making out with me. He also felt the necessity to lie to me anytime I wanted to hang out with him and just talk. Jonathan was my most recent boyfriend. He was in love with my reputation as one of the smartest girls in school and, for some reason, my looks. Apparently he had a thing for red heads, a thing for red heads that led him to hit on my friends with red hair. All in all, none of them were really Prince Charming material.

I tell you this so that you under stand why I hate James Potter so much. I mean, he is a womanizing ego maniac who puts to much stock in himself. The reason I hate him has more to do with my own short comings, however.

You see, as much as I detest his moral and personality related short comings, he does hold this all around charm to me. He's really hot, for one thing, no matter how much I try to deny it. He's smart and learns fast in class. He's good at quidditch and his personality includes a general charm that seems to work on everyone. To top it all off, he is the only boy who has ever chased me. He proclaims his love for me daily, sends me flowers regularly, and only ever has nice things to say to me. To top it all off, he's the only guy who has ever been completely honest with me. What can I possibly have against him? You ask. What is wrong with me that makes me turn him down at every corner? I'll tell you.

He scares the bloody hell out of me. When I first met him on the train in first year, I was instantly in love, or at least, in like with him. I kept silent for three years, hoping he'd notice me, hoping he'd fall for me as well. Then I watched him go through girl after girl in fourth year like they were toys, only distracting him for a couple of weeks before he tossed them to the curb. He did this nicely, of course; always telling them in person and explaining why he was breaking up with them. I started to hate him for the way he treated women. The scary thing is his reasoning for breaking up with them became me halfway through the year.

He started telling them that he loved someone else; me. Then he would send them on their way and attempt to ask me out. At first I turned him down because of the way he asked, all full of him self and over confident. Then I turned him down just to hurt him, to strike out for the girls he had dated and dumped for no reason. His efforts to get me to date him doubled in our fifth year; he dated other girls less and asked me out two or three times a day. It became an automatic response for me to say no to him. No matter what he asked me, the first answer that came out of my mouth was always 'no'. After our O.W.L exams in fifth year, he even attempted to blackmail me into dating him by holding Snape upside down. I'm not particularly attached to Snape, but he never did anything to me personally and I was a Prefect, so I stood up for him.

As if none of this was enough, on the train home he came to my compartment and practically begged me for a chance, saying how much he loved me and everything. I lost my temper and yelled at him, telling him he was the most immature person I had ever met. His response to this was to ask me to marry him. My response to his marriage proposal was a good right hook to his face and stomping away. Not the most mature response, I know.

The real reason I hate James Potter is because he scares me senseless. He practically worships me. He practically stalks me. His pure intensity is frightening. Add to this the fact that I'm attracted to him as well, and you have a recipe for one thing: an automatic response of 'run and hide'.

Now that you know why I hate James Potter, I'm sure you understand why his telling me that he was changing for me, that he was going to stop being a womanizing jerk and chasing me around like a little lost puppy because I said it was immature once, when one of his closest friends had told him that for years and he had ignored him was scary. I'm sure that when you take this into consideration, you'll understand why I walked around for the next two weeks pretending I didn't even know him. I would speak civilly with him when he initiated conversation, but I wouldn't acknowledge his presence otherwise.

Becca told me I was being silly when I told her about it. She said I was just afraid of actually getting my 'happily ever after'. She was the only one I told so the others were completely confused at my behavior.

James, for his part, was acting oddly as well. He wasn't chasing me anymore, as he had promised he wouldn't. He also wasn't dating anyone. He was approached by a lot of giggling girls with requests for him to go to Hogsmeade with them or the go for a walk by the lake, but he turned every single one of them down saying that he wasn't dating at the moment. Then he would glance at me and continue doing what ever he was doing, which was usually studying or eating. That was another thing. James had started studying and reading, something I would never have thought possible for him to do by choice. Sirius thought he was sick or something. Remus would give him worried looks every now and then. Peter seemed completely oblivious to everything, poor guy.

I needed to talk to James that much was obvious. He was acting odd and I had a feeling it was because of the way I was acting towards him. The third week into school I finally worked up the courage to do just that. After breakfast we both had a study hall. With Becca's help I managed to get him alone in an empty classroom with out any of the others noticing our absence.

"What's this about, Lily?" he asked me as I closed the door behind me and turned to face him. I slumped back against the door, head bowed, eyes closed and sighed. "Lily?" There was concern in his voice now. Not joking concern, genuine worry over my behavior.

I took a deep breath and stood up straight again. "This is about you acting completely worthless."

"Worthless?"

"Yes, worthless. You realize you haven't made a joke in two weeks? You haven't pulled a single prank. You've been doing your homework on time and even studying."

"This is bad?"

"For anyone else, no; for you it's completely unheard of. If this was because you were failing a class or something it would make sense, but you don't even have to work to get straight A's. Your acting odd and I want to know why."

"Why do you care? You've been practically ignoring me for the last three weeks."

"I care because you're friends are getting worried about you. I care because I'm getting worried about you." I gave him my best look of concern and he brushed his hair back with his hand in frustration. He walked over to a dusty old table and sat on it.

"I'm acting odd because I'm trying to be what you want me to be. I'm trying to be mature and grown up."

"First of all, you shouldn't change yourself for some girl. Second, by mature I didn't mean that you should completely change your identity. Joking around is a good thing, especially these days."

"Lily, you're not just 'some girl' to me, that's why I'm trying to change for you, to prove that to you."

"I know, and that's the point, you shouldn't have to."

"So basically I have no chance of ever going out with you?" He asked, a look of utter defeat on his face.

I felt the compulsion to tell him the truth rise to the surface, but I pushed it back, offering it a compromise of telling him part of the truth. "No, James. In truth, I do actually kind of, sort of, like you a little. What I need you to do is give me the time to work things out. I need us to just be friends for now and for you to act normally so that I can think clearly with out worrying about you every five minutes."

"Oh." was all he said. He sat silently for a few minutes then "Okay, fine. Friends?" he held out a hand for me to shake. He still seemed a bit depressed. 'Oh, what the hell?' I asked myself. Then I stepped towards him, pushed his hand aside, and gave him a hug instead. I broke away from him after a couple of minutes and walked towards the door.

"Are you coming? Or are you just going to mope around in this dark dusty room all day?" I asked him, smiling.

He gave me a strange look that grew into an amused smile. "Yeah, I'm coming." He said, jumping off the table. "Where are we going though?" he asked as he walked past me.

"To hang out, like friends do."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I have a feeling we could use some quality friend time to get to know each other."

"Really?"

"Friends hang out, it's what they do. If we're going to be friends I have to know more about you than you're to smart for your own good, have an ego the size of Europe, and that you're a decent chaser."

"Decent? I'm a wonderful chaser!"

"Did I mention you have an ego the size of North America?"

"You said Europe."

"I lied; it's the size of North America. Now, race me to the lake?" I asked him and took off running before he even had a chance to reply.

I spent the entire morning hanging out in the quidditch pitch bleachers with James Potter, something I thought I'd never say. Something for the longest time I hoped I'd never say.

Turns out he's not such a bad guy. We talked about everything from our favorite colors to our opinions on Voldemort and his Death Eaters. He and I actually have a lot in common. We like the same kind of music, types of foods, and we even have similar opinions on some of the teachers and classes. At one point James offered to help me out with my Advanced Transfiguration work.

"I noticed you were having some, er, trouble in class the other day with turning a rat into a goblet."

"Yeah, silly isn't it? It's review and I'm still having trouble with it. I was just lucky I didn't have to perform that for my O.W.L.s or I wouldn't have got as high a score as I did."

"Well, if you need any help figuring some of them out, remember, I'm head of the class."

"Yes, in both skill and mischief." I rolled my eyes. "I'll remember you said that next time I need help studying for a Transfiguration test."

"Uh-oh, what have I gotten myself into? I've seen you study for tests before, it's scary."

"I like to be prepared, so sue me."

"I would, but I don't have a lawyer on hand."

We eventually had to force ourselves to leave so that we could get some lunch before our first actual class of the day, DADA. Lunch was a lot less awkward with the two of us talking again, and everyone seemed to notice immediately that we were getting along extremely well. At first there were a lot of raised eyebrows and turned heads at our behavior, but then everyone settled down to their meals.

Defense was a particularly good class. Professor Emling was a practical teacher and had us work on a spell that caused your enemy to see double, making it easier for one to escape or attack, depending on the circumstances required by the particular duel. I worked with James in an attempt to keep the friendship thing on a role. Sirius worked with Becca, a team I thought was destined for the destruction of the class. I was proved wrong however, when Becca was the first to get the spell right, Sirius and myself following her closely behind. James managed it just as class was letting out. We all walked to dinner together taking up the majority of the hallway.

After dinner, I went up to bed early, the turkey I had eaten had made me sleepy, plus I wanted to write in my diary for a while. I rarely write in my diary, only when something memorable happens, like making friends with someone I swore to hate. While I was writing Rebby and Becca came up and flounced onto my bed.

"Hello miss sleepy head." Rebby said, smirking.

"Hello to you too." I replied, finishing off a line in my journal, closing it, and setting it on my nightstand.

"Soooo… I see your little plan worked out then?" Becca asked me.

"Yes, the little plan worked out." I rolled my eyes at her.

"Wait, what plan?" Rebby looked at us confused.

"Lily had a plan to get James to stop moping around like a wet sack of flour."

"Really? What did you do? Snog him to death and promise to marry him?"

"No, of course not!" I said making a face at the suggestion. "I talked to him during study hall and told him to stop acting like a moron. I told him we could be friends, but he would need to act normally for a while before I could consider being more than that."

"So, basically, you told him he has a chance?" Rebby asked me, a pensive look on her face.

"Yes."

"And does he? Have a chance I mean."

"Well, I suppose anything is possible."

"Well, then," Rebby hopped off the bed and dug around in her trunk for a couple of minutes. She came out with a pair of red and gold Gryffindor pom-poms from the year before. "Two-four-six-eight who does Lily want to date? JAMES! JAMES! JAAAAMESSS POTTERRRRR!!!" she finished with a little jump at the end and Becca hopped off the bed to join her in the cheer.

"I DO NOT WANT TO DATE JAMES POTTER! I'm just saying never say never!"

"You know, she's right, you should never say never or ever say always because never and forever are a thin rope to walk when forever can never come true with a few 'never's and never can never come true without a few 'forever's." Becca said all in one breath.

"Do you even know what you just said?" Rebby asked her.

"No, but it sure did sound good didn't it?" She smiled cheekily at us and I took the opportunity to throw a pillow at her face. Good thing is, being a chaser for the last three years has made my aim wonderful, and I hit her square in the face. This of course caused a pillow fight which resulted in all of the pillow being burst and feathers floating around the room like snow. "Now look what you've done, all the pillows are busted." I said.

"Yeah, yeah. this is for you I believe." Becca tossed a big armful of feathers at me. This caused a feather war. Eventually we calmed down just in time to hear a knock on the door. I yelled come in and the heads of our fellow room mates as well as the Marauders popped in the room.

"Dang, you girls really know how to party, huh?" Sirius said letting out a low whistle at the mess we had made.

"How did you guys get up the stairs?" I asked. They were charmed not to let any boys up them, so how those four managed it I was curious to find out.

"Secret of the trade, love." Sirius winked at me. "Well, we just wanted to know what all the screaming was about. Off we go." Sirius and the Marauders left, followed shortly by Reij, Rach, Win, and Mikki.

"So how's that going anyways?" I asked Becca.

"How's what going?" she replied, playing dumb.

"How are you and Sirius doing?"

"Oh, well, he hasn't cheated on me, he's treated me well, we have snogging sessions from heaven, and unless he's completely mental, I see no break up for the foreseeable future."

"Yes, but you've always been horrible at Divination haven't you?"

"Yes, but only because the teacher is an utter nutter. Hey, utter nutter, hah! That's funny!" Becca started laughing at her own joke.

"Anyways, that's good, but don't be surprised if he does, you know his track record with girls. The longest relationship he's ever had was two weeks, and that was because the girl refused to believe they were broken up. You're already going on three tomorrow I believe."

"Yesterday, actually. And if he breaks up with me, I'll beat his brains out. He better at least have the decency to say it to my face instead of just cheating on me and letting me find out like he did with that one girl, what was her name? Janet? Jaimie? Janice? Something like that." Becca waved her hand round in the air as if dismissing the girls name, then repaired her pillow and went to her trunk for her pajamas.

"Just, be careful not to fall too deep for him, okay?" I warned her.

"WELL, if you two are finished being all mushy wushy gushy, I've got an announcement to make." Rebby said. We both looked at her with dread. The last time she had made an announcement she had decided to try to hog tie the Giant Squid to get some recognition. It took us days to talk her out of it.

"Uh-oh." I said.

"Oh, boy." Becca said.

"So, I have a boyfriend!"

"You what?" Becca exclaimed.

"I have a boyfriend. His name is Max, he's a Ravenclaw seventh year. You know, tall dark and latino? Well he asked me to go to Hogsmeade with him the weekend before Halloween."

"Wait, when did this happen?" I asked.

"Today during study hall while you were courting James and Becca was busy keeping Sirius busy behind one of the shelves in the library." Rebby smiled proudly.

"Hey! I resent that comment!" Becca said in an angry voice, but she was blushing, so I knew Rebby had caught her.

"And I'm not 'courting' James Potter! We were just hanging out, like friends do. I decided we needed to get to know one another if we were going to be friends, maybe make it a little harder for me to hate him."

"Yeah, whatever, so Max is a Chaser on the Ravenclaw team, a prefect and he want's to take me to that new Restaurant that's opening up in Hogsmeade, the one we got flyers about in the post last week." Rebby continued to gush about how hot Max was and how cool Max was and how Max was going to take her o dinner until I fell asleep to the sound of her voice. What? I really was tired, and she kept saying the same thing, over and over again… Fine! I'm a bad friend! But the point is, I fell asleep.

My dreams that night started out with Rebby and Max dancing about a dark room together in a spot light. They were joined by Becca and Sirius, then Rach and Remus, a couple more couples, until the entire floor was lit up and covered by dancers. The music changed and the dancers parted like the red sea before Moses revealing a figure sitting on a chair directly across from me. I stood up and walked towards him, for the figure was definitely male. He stood up as well and walked towards me. He wore a black mask that covered the area around his eyes and nothing more. We danced around the room with the other people, and then they slowly faded away until it was only the two of us in the middle of the floor. I closed my eyes and laid my head on his chest and when I opened them, the scenery had changed.

I was lying on a soft leather couch, a pillow beneath my head. I heard a noise and stood up. I was in an old dusty basement, it was dark and I didn't have my wand. I yelled, but no one answered. I sat back down on the couch and was thrown backwards into the darkness. I was falling, falling, falling and then I landed in a large body of water. I swam and swam, trying to make it to the shore, but I couldn't swim anymore, I was drowning. I was drowning and there was nobody there to save me.

The next morning I sat up in my bed and screamed as the alarm clock went off.