Chapter 15
Food! Food, food, food, food, food, food…. Sirius… food… Sirius… Such difficult decisions… I suppose I'll go with food… yum, macaroni…
I spooned some macaroni onto my plate, ignoring Sirius ideas of skipping dinner to go do 'something else' by which he meant snogging in an empty classroom, linen closet, etc. As much as I love him, food comes first. "Maybe later, right now I'm going to eat my macaroni." I smiled at him and began eating my macaroni with vigor. I love macaroni. I love muggles for inventing macaroni. I love Chinese people too for inventing noodles. I love whoever invented cheese, milk, butter, and salt and pepper.
"Enjoying that macaroni there Becca?" Lily gave me an amused smirk. I nodded my head and continued to eat the macaroni. Once my plate was clean, I poured myself some pumpkin juice, drank it, and then joined the conversation. I always eat first, talk later. It helps keep unseemly things like talking with my mouth full from happening.
"So, that was fun, we should go swimming again some time. Maybe next time we'll beat you at Sharks and Minnows." Lily said.
"Maybe next time Sirius and James won't use magic and cheat." Said Reij.
"Hey! You never said 'no magic'!" Sirius argued.
"But we did say you're not allowed to open your eyes under water." Win pointed out.
"And it's kind of a given that summoning people to you isn't allowed." I said laughing at Sirius's rebellious face. He has the cutest expressions, and he's always so animated. There's never a dull moment around him, even in classes I find boring, like Divination and Charms.
"So when's the first quidditch match?" Reij asked. She was genuinely interested, having been beaten out of the beater position recently vacated on the Gryffindor quidditch team by Will. Win had also tried out for that position, but was made a substitute beater when her brother turned out to be only slightly better than she at the position.
"First game's next Saturday. We're playing Slytherin." James answered. James is the team captain this year, he plays Chaser and well as substitute Seeker, hence the reason he carries that bloody snitch around with him all day long.
"Think we'll win this year?" Mikki asked.
"I sure hope so, I mean, the team is lot better. We've got Will and Sirius as Beaters, between them they've got better aim than all of the Slytherin team combined. We've got the Becca as Seeker, and I haven't a clue how, but she has the eyes of an eagle when it comes to spotting the snitch. Keeper this year is that fifth year Jill Black, who is a lot better than our former keeper."
"Why was he even on the team?" Lily inquired.
"He was friends with the captain last year. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to let your friends on the team because they're your friends when there are other people more talented and more qualified for the position." Remus said. Remus isn't on the quidditch team, though why I'm not sure. He's practiced with us before and is a fair Chaser, not that it's my area of expertise, I'm a seeker and a beater, I have zero ability to catch anything bigger than, well, a snitch, and I have aim when throwing things. So I remain a lowly Seeker. What the hell am I saying? Everyone loves the Seeker! The Seeker is the bomb! There fore by association I am the bomb! Oh yeah! Now what? I'm awesome! Oh yeah!
I paused in the middle of my mental I'm-awesome-and-you-aren't dance to ask "Jill Black? She isn't related to you is she?" I turned to Sirius.
"I don't think so; most of my family is in Slytherine, the slimey bastards."
"Yeah, you're a little intense about that."
"Well, I have good reason to be, and don't act like you understand, because you don't."
"That would be because you won't tell me now wouldn't it?" Sirius looked over at me, about to speak, most likely with extreme anger. "Stop, don't say it. Just calm down, we'll talk about it later. This isn't the time or place to get into a row." I gave him my shut-up-or-else-you-idiot look and turned back to the conversation. "I think we'll definitely win this year, at least against the Slytherines. The cup is another matter entirely; I hear the Ravenclaw team is really good this year."
"They found a new Seeker who I hear is pretty good. They have a couple new Chasers as well." James responded acting like the tense moment had never happened. Lily was giving the two of us strange looks, as was Rebby, the others chose to do as James had and simply ignore it all together.
"I'm not worried about their new Chasers. You, Lily and Rebby are a smoothly functioning machine out there with your passes and dodges; your defense is getting better as well. That is, as far as I can tell from watching you during practice. The only true test of your defensive abilities will be the game next weekend." I said. Well, they did look impressive to me, but I'm not so sure they're actually as good as I made them out to be. All I know is they looked like they needed a confidence booster, so I gave them one. There's nothing like being told you're good to make you confident. Beware of side effects: includes inflated ego, big headedness, and the sudden notion that you are the king of the world.
"Now, what I want to know is how did the majority of the team end up being from our year?" Reij asked.
"Honestly none of the second or third years were any good at flying, the fourth years didn't have enough talent, Jill was the only fifth year who tried out, and the only seventh year who tried out was more fit for Keeper but refuses to admit that she might be bad at Beater, which was what she tried out for. It just happens to be that the only real talent this year in Gryffindor is in our year." Lily said.
I looked at Sirius, noticing that he was being oddly quiet. He seemed a bit moody. Well, that's no good, can't have him being moody now can we? Better go slap some sense into him. I looked at my watch and feigned shock. "Oh, cripes, look at the time. Sirius, will you walk me up to the tower? I need to get some homework done since we have practice all day tomorrow."
"Sure, whatever." Sirius grumbled, standing up and walking out of the Great Hall with me. Half way to the tower I shoved open the door to an empty classroom and dragged his arse inside by his collar, practically choking him in the process.
"Okay, what's the deal with you and your family? I don't get it. You don't like them because their all in Slytherine, okay. You don't like their ideals, okay. But their still family, you shouldn't, you can't, despise them simply because of that." I sat down on a dusty old table.
"I don't, their a lot worse than they seem. They whole lot of them. I thought my brother Regulus might turn out a bit better than the rest of the bunch has, but it seems he prefers our parent's approval over the moral high ground." Sirius sat down next to me on the table, putting his head in his hands.
"You keep saying that. That they're worse than they seem, but you never explain exactly why that is." I gave him an annoyed look.
"Would you just keep out of it? Please? It's not like I don't have enough problems without my girlfriend trying to pry her way into my private home life every five seconds." He stood up and began pacing. "You just, you don't understand, you can't understand what it's like."
"Of course I can't, and I never will be able to if you don't tell me exactly why you detest your family so much."
"You just, you can't, it's just…" he trailed off.
"Sirius," I jumped off the table and grabbed him by the shoulders, forcing him to square off with me. "Sirius, look at me." He slowly lifted his eyes to mine, very slowly, very reluctantly. "Tell me. I might not understand exactly what you're going through, but that doesn't mean I don't care, that I won't care. Now will please, just, tell me." I pleaded with him, both with my words and with my eyes, practically crying from the effort of not beating him into submission. What? I'm a violent person. I have to be with the amount of male older cousins I have.
Sirius seemed as if her was about to start ranting again about my not understanding, but then, all of a sudden, his demeanor changed. It was as if he had suddenly changed from a big, strong, and angry warrior to a weak, defenseless little child. A sigh escaped his lips and with it the defenses around the deep recesses of his heart as well. Wow, look at me, aren't I poetic?
Sirius walked back over to the table and sat down, looking tired and completely overcome by exhaustion, a side of him I had never seen. He looked up at me with haunted eyes and said "Fine."
"When I was little, my parents would spoil me rotten; my brother as well. I was so over protected and entrenched in this society where muggles were worth less than dirt, muggleborns only a step above that, I never even for a minute believed that the way I was thinking could be wrong. My parents always told me that anything less than a pureblood was unacceptable and barely tolerable; that they were good for our amusement but nothing else. For the longest time I just went along with them and believed everything they said.
"At my fathers 40th birthday party I met James. His parents and my parents weren't, aren't, and never will be friends, but they were purebloods and my parents invited them simply on that basis. James and I became fast friends. Before I met him, the only friends I'd ever had were my cousins Bellatrix and Narcissa and my brother, Regulus. Well, my parents didn't like that I was friends with James in particular, but they were too busy at the time to pay much attention. They just gave me a few galleons and sent me over to James's house, figuring that they were purebloods and couldn't be that bad.
"James was the first person to point out to me the fact that being a muggle or a muggleborn wasn't a bad thing. He made me see that being a pureblood wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The more I hung out with him, the more I began to love his family and hate mine. When I was 9 years old, my parents tried to tell me I couldn't play with him anymore. They said he was "influencing me in the wrong way" and would hide the floo powder so I couldn't go on my own. I finally got tired of it and defied them. I had James floo to my house first and bring some extra floo powder along for the trip back, but my father caught us. He sent James home and then he set into me.
"He told me I was good for nothing, that I was a stupid little boy, that James was bad because he didn't believe as they did that anything less than pureblood was nothing. He got so worked up that when I spoke back and tried to defend myself and James, he hit me. From then on it was like my father had opened a door and couldn't shut it. Anytime I displeased him and it wouldn't embarrass him, he would resolve it with his fists instead of just yelling at me or grounding me. As I got older I discovered all of their hiding places for the floo powder and anytime I got into a fight with my parents I would escape to James's house where his mother would heal me and let me stay the night. His house became a second home for me. After I was sorted into Gryffindor and became friends with Remus and Peter as well, my parents began referring to me as 'that boy' and 'it' as if I weren't even a person anymore. My parents would ignore me most of the time, only speaking to me to tell me how much of a disappointment I was. My cousins laughed at me and treated me much the same way my parents did. Regulus, for his part, tried to treat me normally until my father started giving him the looks he gave me. Then he abandoned me, saying that I was a fool for angering father and that I deserved what I got.
"For the longest time I actually believed that too. I believed that I was the scum of the earth and that I deserved the beatings I got from my father. Eventually James and Remus and Peter, and James's parents as well, managed to convince me it wasn't my fault. Part of me still feels that way though when ever I go home, if you could call it home.
That's why I hate them all so much. They are completely in love with those stupid ideals of Voldemort's, they beat me down, mentally, and physically, and I'm so sick of it, of not being able to fight back, that I just, I feel like giving up, like giving in all the time. Hogwarts is my savior usually, but recently Narcissa, Bellatrix, and their lot, even Regulus, have taken a point of seeking me out just to torture me. I'm just, I'm so sick of it, so tired, that half the time I feel like just, giving up and going along with them, just to make them shut the hell up." Sirius's voice tapered off, his shoulders slumping lower, his head now lay in his hands. I got the feeling that he wanted to just lay down and fall asleep and never wake up again. That's what I would want to do if I were him. I would want to fall asleep and live forever in some wonderful, beautiful dreamland where nothing and no one could ever hurt me. He wanted everything to just be okay for once.
'How do you know that?' you ask. I know how he feels, if not why he feels it. My parents aren't evil, and they don't beat me, but I know how it feels to be looked at like you're a problem by people who you used to think cared about you. My father was a muggleborn and most of his family was really religious. Their religion said that anyone who had anything to do with magic must be evil or a devil worshipper or what ever. When I was younger they treated me normally in the hope that I wouldn't turn out like my parents had. When I got my letter from Hogwarts, they shunned me just as much as they did my father and mother. It wouldn't be nearly so bad as it is if we didn't live on a farm in the middle of a valley owned mainly by my extended family. I'm lucky though. My cousins, the one's that know, don't really care. They think its cool; they envy me because they think school is a breeze for me, but they don't put as much stock into religion as their parents do. The one's who don't know, well, they just think their parents are weird.
Sirius was still hunched over looking for all the world like a collapsed building or a lost little boy. I did the only thing I could think of at that moment. I gently got down from the table and walked over to stand directly in front of him. With my left hand on his shoulder and my right hand on the back of his neck, I lifted his head, forcing him to look at me, and the motion was met with little resistance. It was killing me to see him like this, like a broken down, pathetic version of the real him, but I had to stick by him. If there was one thing he needed it was someone to be able to trust beyond his small group of friends. When his eyes met mine I stared into them for a few moments, letting myself get lost in the cool, grey pools of mist. In his eyes I saw all the pain and suffering he had gone through, and was still going through. I saw the torment and the mental anguish he still struggles with on a daily basis. I saw a little piece of myself in him.
"Sirius," I said, trying to get him to truly focus on me. The clouded look left his face and his eyes seemed to actually look at me instead of through me. "Sirius, you're not the problem, they are. You are a wonderful person, a person any sensible parent would be proud of and if they can't see that then they are worse than you have ever tried to tell me they are. Sirius, what they don't like about you doesn't matter. I was wrong. They may be related to you, but they aren't you're family if they treat you that way. You do need to realize though, that there are other people who do care for you like a family. James, Remus, Peter, James's parents, they are your family." I shifted my right hand from his neck to his back and pulled him into a big hug. I'm not too good at the whole 'intimacy with out being intimate' thing, but I am good at giving hugs. I hugged him until he hugged me back. When he hugged me back I held on tighter, and he clung to me like I was his lifeline.
After what seemed like forever he spoke. "You too, you're family too." He whispered. I pulled away from him, just far enough to see his face. I expected to see some sort of humor on his face, a hint of laughter, as there always was when he said something that sounded so sweet and sincere, but it wasn't there. No smirk, no laughter, not even the hint of mischief. All that was evident on his face was a soft lingering look in his eyes, a slight tilt to his mouth that hinted to a smile. He leaned forward, his chin tilted up, and stopped just short of my lips and waited. I leaned forward as well, my mouth connecting with his, and let him kiss me. It wasn't the kind of kiss we normally shared, a hurried, passionate, kiss of lust, it was something more, something softer, gentler, and yet just as full of passion as the others had been.
I don't know what you may call it. Hell, I don't even know what I call it. Some people, however, refer to it as love.