I am going to take this moment to thank all of you lovely reviewers out there! Have I mentioned that I love you all? I try to respond, which I'm not generally very good at, so let me just say that it means the world to me that you guys 'get' my story. I don't frequently share my work, as it often feels too personal, but this has so far proved to be a very gratifying experience.

And if you happen to be a silent reader or follower, let me thank you as well. Just for reading what I have to say. It means a lot to me.

Now, on to the story! It's a long one.

"I think we can pull this off." Olivia walked around him, face studious. "If I just walked by you on the street, I'm not sure I would recognize you."

"I don't think I would recognize me, either." Elliot was disguised as Melvin Gardner, Olivia's imaginary great uncle from Florida. He wore a button down shirt and slacks that made him look almost skeletal, along with thick glasses and some makeup to bring out the lines in his face. The biggest change, though, had come from the borrowed cane. As he leaned on it, squinting at himself through glasses, he was amazed by how frail he looked, hunched over like he was. How elderly. It occurred to him that this could easily have been his reality if his brain had decided to wake up in 20 years instead of four. Stop it, he ordered himself, determined to control his fears. He turned back to Olivia, forcing a smile. "What do you think, Liv? Would you date old me?"

"Let's work on middle-aged you, first." She smirked at him, and he grinned back at her, feeling like he was floating. "Oh! I know what this is missing."

"You are having entirely too much fun with this!" He called after he as she disappeared down the hallway. He looked over at Noah, caught between exasperation and amusement. "If I didn't love her so much…" How many people would he let dress him up like this? Probably zero.

"Love her," Noah repeated happily. Elliot froze, staring at the kid nervously.

"No, Noah. No, don't say that, say 'donuts,' okay?" He couldn't imagine a worse way for Olivia to find out how he felt about her. He had been flirting with her, yes, but for her toddler to be the one to disclose that he was madly in love with her...Damn it.

"Ellie love her," He giggled, a knowing look in his eye.

"Shit," he muttered, putting a tired hand to his forehead. How was he supposed to explain this to her?

"Shit!" Noah's face split with a wide grin, as if he could tell that he had just hit the word jackpot. "Shit, shit, shit!"

"Um." Elliot turned and saw Olivia, staring at her son with wide eyes.

"Liv," he gasped. "I, uh…Sorry."

She shook her head, hiding a bewildered smile. "Just don't acknowledge it, okay?" She turned back to Elliot, pretending that she hadn't heard Noah's new word. At least she didn't know that he was in love with her.

"Shit!" She shut her eyes for a moment before looking back at him.

"So," Elliot met her eyes guiltily, trying to convey an apology. "What did you get?"

"Close your eyes."

He hesitated before doing as he was told, and sat down in the chair by the mirror. The darkness closed in, immediately setting him on edge. Ever since he had gone temporarily blind, he had possessed a keen awareness of how crucial sight was to his mental health. Not seeing was, essentially, not knowing; if you couldn't rely on your own eyes to tell you what was happening, then you really just didn't know. Everything was left up to the imagination. He didn't know how he would have survived it if his sight hadn't returned all those years ago...But his fears melted away as Olivia came to stand close to him; he couldn't think past her coffee scent or the light touch of her hands on his neck. After a few short moments, she told him to open his eyes. As he caught sight of himself in the mirror, he let out a disbelieving laugh.

"You've really outdone yourself, Liv."

"It was a present for Noah," she offered, biting her lip to hold back a smile. "For when he gets older."
"Is that why it's choking me?" Elliot barked out another laugh as he looked at himself. She had fastened a bowtie around his neck; it was bright yellow and covered in happy, cartoon rubber ducks. Elliot couldn't decide if he looked more like an eccentric old man or an eccentric toddler. As he stared at his own ridiculous reflection, Elliot began to feel like Melvin Gardner could be a lot of fun.

"Sorry," she offered, smoothing a lock of hair behind her ear. He looked up at her with a sudden smile, preparing his best old man voice.

"That's alright, Livvy Love." He watched her eyes shoot up with incredulous laughter, and grinned at her. He had always wanted to call her that, just once, to see how she would respond.

"El," she bit back a laugh, closing her eyes and shaking her head weakly. "You can't...You can't call me that."

"What was that, Livvy Love?" Elliot tapped his ear, speaking much louder than necessary. "I can't hear you."

She opened her mouth with a smile to say something, but the doorbell rang, interrupting her. "Lucy," she said, getting to her feet. Elliot watched as she seemed to hug Noah a bit closer, preparing to give him over to his babysitter. The sun was sinking low into the sky, and the little man was overcome by yawns. He clung tightly to his mother, not wanting to let go.

"I know," she whispered to him, right by the door. "I love you, too, Noah. I'll be back soon, okay?"

Noah sniffed sadly, but didn't cry. He saw Olivia blink away a tear of her own before opening the door with a cheery smile.

"Lucy! Thanks for coming."

The woman beamed at her. "Thanks for calling, I missed you guys!" She looked like she wanted to take Noah, but Olivia was holding on to him until the very last second.

"My Great Uncle Melvin has been in town, so he's been helping out…" Elliot realized that was his cue, so he got up and shuffled over, doing his best to disguise his eyes in a squint. He had already met her once, as Jordan, so he would just have to pile on the elderly charm and hope she wouldn't notice. He saw Olivia's eyes widen with suppressed laughter as he launched into his old man routine, and he fought his own grin, trying to stay in character.

"Hello!" Elliot shouted in her face. He grabbed her hand and shook it vigorously, startling her. "I'm Melvin!"

"Shit!" Noah giggled.

Olivia struggled for a moment, and swallowed her laughter. "Yes, well...Uncle Melvin and I have to get going." She pressed a loving kiss to Noah's cheek, smoothing his hair with a bit of regret as she handed him over to Lucy. "Call me if you need anything."

Elliot grabbed Olivia's arm as they headed out the door. He offered her up a cheeky smile, and waved goodbye to Lucy with a wobbling hand. Being an old man was actually one of the easiest undercover assignments he had ever had; he didn't have to pretend that his hands didn't shake, and he got to hold onto Olivia if he felt like it. The whole thing just came naturally to him.

"Mel," she hissed to him once they were out in the hallway. "What are you doing?"

He hung on to her elbow obstinately. "Help your elders, Livvy Love." She opened her mouth and then closed it decidedly, letting him go along with it with a smile in her eyes.

"So," she said as they got in the car and drove off, the sun setting in their eyes. "Do you want to tell me why my son is cussing before his second birthday?"

"Not really." She shot a look at him, and Elliot sighed apologetically, shaking his head. "I'm really sorry, Liv, I wasn't thinking." As much as he wished that he hadn't been the one to introduce Noah to cussing, he still thought it was preferable it to having his most private feelings revealed by a toddler.

"It's okay." Olivia's gaze was fixed on the road ahead, and he felt his mouth go dry as he looked at her. Her eyes were flooded with amber sunlight, and she was so beautiful it stole his breath away and made his heart race at the thrill of it. In moments like this, when she caught him off guard, Elliot wondered how she never noticed the effect she had on him. She was the most incredible thing he had ever seen. "Hopefully it'll last about as long as his pancake phase."

He nodded helplessly. "Hopefully."

Darkness closed like a veil over the city, their mood sobering as their minds turned to everything that lay ahead. They were going to go to Olivia's old apartment building; she was going to ask her former neighbors if they remembered anything, and he was going to try to figure out how Lewis had gotten into her place. After that, they were going to visit his former home so that Olivia could talk to Kathy and he could talk to his kids. Glad as he was to be making some steps toward his new life, Elliot would be lying if he said his stomach wasn't knotting unpleasantly. There was just so much on the line.

A new type of silence, apprehensive and dark, settled over them as they pulled to a stop in front of her building. Elliot stared up at her old home; he had been here so many times over their years as partners, and he hadn't yet stopped thinking of it as hers. They got out of the car, and it suddenly hit him that Lewis had been here. On this street, in this building, in her home. Taking a deep breath to quell the fiery anger inside of him, Elliot got out of the car, watching his partner nervously. Olivia afforded him a quick glance, but her laughter had vanished along with the sunshine, leaving her grim and edgy. As they headed inside and up the familiar stairs, Elliot felt himself realize what she was sharing with him; Olivia was never one to show her vulnerability, not even to the few special people she trusted. He knew then that something essential in their relationship had changed since last night, and it felt like a very good thing. He just wanted to be worthy of it. The old stairs creaked under his footsteps, and he felt himself falling back into the heightened state of awareness that he had alway relied on as a detective. His ears strained to catch every sound of life in the old building, his eyes were sharp as they scanned the hallways, and his hand moved to his gun before he remembered that he didn't have one anymore.

"This is it."

He stopped, startled, staring at her door. Apartment 4E. He had looked at this door so many times, and yet tonight it was completely different. It was still the same faded green, it still had the same shiny gold lettering, but it seemed darker, somehow. Darker now that he knew what had happened beyond it, now that somebody else was living there instead of her.

"I'm going to start knocking on some doors," Olivia said, looking around nervously. "Are you good here?"

"Yeah, sure. But it's not like I have a badge to flash anymore, Liv."

She blinked at him. "That's funny, I keep forgetting." Olivia walked quickly over to her old door and rapped sharply on it. After a few moments, an old woman in hair curlers opened the door, holding an incredibly fat cat.

` "Yes?"

"Hi, Mrs. Thompson."

"Olivia, is that you?" She squinted at her from the brightness of the apartment. Olivia stepped into the light, making herself visible.

"Yes, it is...This is Detective Gardner." Olivia said, gesturing to Elliot, who came forward leaning on his cane, finding it a surprisingly welcome respite for his legs. His thighs, his calves, his ankles, his knees...They were all burning and twisting with almost unbelievable pain. How was it possible that a few flights of stairs could do this to him? "I was wondering if he could take a look around your place?" The woman hesitated. "I wouldn't ask, only it's very important that we look for clues. You could save someone's life."

"Oh…" She hefted her cat, Olivia's obvious compassion breaking down her normal walls as she opened the door a bit wider. "I guess that's alright. Come on in, then, dear." Elliot let out a relieved breath, stepping into the old apartment and throwing a look back toward Olivia as the door closed behind them. "Watch your step, Detective. It's a bit of a mess in here…"

As Elliot stumbled into Olivia's old place, standing in what had once been her living room, he found it hard to believe that he was in the same place. It was pretty clear that Mrs. Thompson was a hoarder, and he felt a little sorry for her, living like this. The living room was packed with everything from egg cartons to rotting stuffed animals, countless boxes piled high everywhere. The whole apartment stunk of cabbages, and he couldn't help but wonder what had happened to everything that he had known. How many times had he sat in this room? His eyes wandered toward where Olivia's couch had been, but he saw only a collection of spoons. Mrs. Thompson had buckets and buckets full of them. Elliot realized with something like panic that he couldn't even find the couch.

"Please don't move any of my things," She smiled at him. "But you're welcome to look around…"

He looked up, and nodded as warmly as he could. "Thank you, Ma'am." Moving carefully through the maze of junk, Elliot first checked the door, but he couldn't imagine Lewis picking the heavy deadbolt. He didn't want to scare Olivia, but he realized that unless he could come up with another way in, he would have to ask her who else had had a key. Maybe a neighbor or a boyfriend? Elliot stopped, remembering what she had said about dating Brian Cassidy. Had they been serious enough for him to have a key? He pushed the thought from his head as jealousy reared its ugly head–It wasn't important now. Elliot didn't like Brian, he hadn't ever since he had slept with Olivia all those years ago, but he couldn't see him doing anything stupid enough to put Olivia in danger. Even if she could do a lot better.

He walked over to the windows, jiggling them a little to no avail. They had always been hard to open, and he knew that Olivia wouldn't leave them unlocked unless she had a damn good reason. He peered out of them, trying to imagine Lewis scaling the tall building with no one noticing. Not likely.

He had been putting it off, but there were no more windows, so Elliot walked into Olivia's bedroom. Her old bedroom, he reminded himself. All these years, and he had never been inside. Lewis had gotten here before he had. The thought was a knife in the gut, and he strode angrily over to the window, sticking his head out into the summery night air. For a moment, he just closed his eyes and let the gentle breeze wash its calm over him. With a sudden feeling like a head rush, Elliot had an inspiration that stole his breath away.

"Mrs. Thompson?"

"Yes, dear?" She appeared at the doorway.

"Um, this window...I want to go outside and see if I can get in while it's locked. Would you lock me out, and let me back in when I'm done?"
She nodded dazedly. "Anything to help Olivia."

He smiled at her, and shoved the window open as far as it would go before climbing out onto the fire escape. That at least answered the question of whether or not it was big enough for someone to fit through. Elliot couldn't help but stare up at the sky, at the few twinkling stars that peeked out like diamonds hidden among the depths of blue. It was nothing compared to the clear night sky in the country, he knew, but it still felt like a miracle after so many days inside. It didn't matter that he was in the middle of the city, it didn't matter that the air smelled like cigarettes and cabbages, it was just exhilarating to be out under the open sky. It felt like freedom.

"Ready?" He looked back at Mrs. Thompson and nodded to give her the go-ahead. She shut and locked the window, standing back to wait for him. He looked down the long fire escape, imagining Lewis coming up from the street. He pulled on the window, but it didn't budge. Was there any chance he could have broken and fixed it in the same day? It wouldn't have been that hard to bring supplies, to fix it up to look exactly the same. He wished that CSU could check for glass dust, but as usual he was several years too late. And knowing Lewis, he probably would have just vacuumed afterwards.

He stayed outside as long as he could, trying everything he could possibly think of, the air growing frigid around him. He couldn't find anything suspicious, and eventually he was forced to the conclusion that there was nothing more he could do. Elliot knocked on the window to be let back inside. Was it worth it to ask Olivia who had had access to her apartment? He didn't want to bring up old memories and fear; Lewis was dead, and Olivia didn't even live here anymore...But he knew that it affected her peace of mind, too. However Lewis had gotten in, he had done it with the intention of scaring her. It wasn't just about getting inside; it was about destroying her sense of safety, and giving him a power over her. No wonder she had moved. Elliot had to figure this out.

"Did you find anything, Detective?"

He looked up. "No, I didn't...I don't suppose you ever replaced windows, changed the locks or anything?"

She shook her head. "I never needed to."

"This is a longshot, but when you moved in here, did you ever notice anything strange? Like, I don't know, glass dust on the carpet?"
She shook her head. "No, Olivia left this place in great shape."

"Oh," he was dismayed. What had made him think he could turn up something CSU and Olivia Benson herself had missed? "There was never anything out of the ordinary?"

"Well...I did find a man's notebook about a year ago, hidden under a floorboard. It was full of the strangest writings. My cat, Trousers, practically choked on it."

His heart skipped a beat. "A man's notebook?"

"Yes, I had to take Trousers to the vet, he wouldn't stop vomiting…"

He attempted to nod sympathetically before jumping back on the topic, heart in his throat. "Do you still have it?"

She furrowed her brow. "I think so...I must have it around here. Maybe it's in the winter pile…"

Elliot watched anxiously as the woman disappeared into the mountains of junk. A man's notebook...It had probably just been a boyfriend's. But why hide it under a floorboard? The more he thought about it, the angrier he got at Brian. Elliot wouldn't have cancelled on her, he would have noticed if she disappeared for two days, for Christ's sakes.

"El–Mel?"

"Olivia," he let out an anxious sigh, weaving back through the maze of things to meet her by the door.

"What's going on?" She looked around her former apartment, a little overwhelmed, like him, by the changes that had taken place.

"Mrs. Thompson said she found a man's notebook, hidden under a floorboard." Shock swept across her face. "Brian didn't keep a journal, did he?"

"Not as far as I know, and we lived together."

They had lived together. That meant...That meant that Brian had had a key. Was there any way he could have been dumb enough to let his guard down, and given Lewis the opportunity to steal it?

"I found it!" Mrs. Thompson called, reappearing beyond a stack of old newspapers and yarn. "Oh, hello, Olivia." She smiled sweetly at her, and handed Elliot the notebook. "I hope this is helpful…"

"I'm sure it will be, thank you…" Somewhere along the road, he had abandoned his old man act, but Mrs. Thompson didn't seem to notice, and Olivia was too preoccupied with the notebook to care. He looked at the thing; it was made of beaten up brown leather, and about the size of his hand. Part of him was a little afraid to open it, but suddenly Olivia had made the decision for him, snatching it out of his hands and opening it. He watched nervously as her face grew quiet, and her breath quickened. She abruptly flung it away from herself with about as much grace as if it were a dead rat, and raced out the door. Elliot offered an apologetic glance to Mrs. Thompson before scooping up the notebook and chasing after her. She was a few steps ahead of him the whole time, and they made it all the way downstairs and outside before she stopped, leaning heavily against a wall. Elliot doubled over, lungs burning painfully, but quickly called her name.

"Liv!" Worry ate away at him. What could have been that bad, to do this to her? "Liv." She was hugging herself, eyes far off and fear etching familiar lines in her face. He reached out to touch her arm, and she jerked away from him, sending a knife through his heart. Olivia blinked, coming back to herself, and turned her wide eyes up to his.

"Sorry," she whispered. He wished she would stop apologizing; she had nothing to apologize for.

"Liv." He couldn't understand what was wrong. She looked just like she had last night, when she had told him about Lewis. Could it be–?

Olivia shook her head, and gestured toward the notebook. "Read it." Her voice was hoarse with fear, and he opened it, feeling sick to his stomach.

Hi, Olivia. Did you miss me?

"No," he whispered. Her eyes met his, and he saw her answer plain as day. Yes. William Lewis had written this. Elliot wanted to reach out to her, to comfort her, but he didn't want to scare her again.

"Keep going," she said in a strange voice, a fearful light in her eyes. "There's more."

I figured you would find this someday...Someday when you had "moved on" from me, when you weren't having so many nightmares, when you felt almost normal. But what kind of guy would I be if I let you forget about me? You and I, Olivia, we're not like other people. Our relationship...You can't move on from something that.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "He's dead. He's gone, none of this is real because he doesn't exist anymore." But, Liv, darling, I do exist. I exist in your mind. I have achieved immortality in the hearts of so many, but I treasure yours more than any. You remember I told you once that death is not something to fear? I still believe that. The truth is, no one really knows what happens after we kick the bucket. For all you know, I'm waiting for you in Hell right now. Isn't that a fun thing to think about?

By this point, you've probably lost your badge. You did murder me, after all. That wasn't very professional of you, was it? I may be a serial killer, but I still have rights. God, I love America...But I think it's for your own good, Olivia. With your PTSD, I don't think Special Victims' Unit was the smartest place for you. Maybe you'll find somewhere safer to satisfy your savior complex. You could work with inner city kids, or maybe in a hospital, although that might be a little difficult from prison. So, while you're rotting away in that hellhole, here are some things to think about:

I know that you're still in love with your ex-partner. Do you have any idea how many times you called out for him while you were unconscious? "El," "Elliot, I need you." It was so insulting, Olivia. Wasn't I good enough for you? Well, I have some news for you, baby doll. Elliot's dead. I killed him.

Elliot looked up at Olivia, heart hammering in his chest. "He did this? What about...What about Kathy? And why–If he had been stalking you all those years, why wait so long to kidnap you? Since when does Lewis control his impulses?"

"I don't know…" Her face was grave, but she had recovered herself from the urgency of her fear, taking the notebook back from him. "And the neighbors didn't see him."

"What? They remembered?"

She nodded. "You argued with Kathy outside."

His breath caught in his throat. "So what the hell is this? No way Kathy was working with Lewis."

She shook her head, fear still burning in her eyes. "Something about this is wrong, El. I don't know what…" She fanned through the pages of writing, and something bright caught her eye. "What–"

Some sixth sense tingled at the base of his skull, and Elliot found himself tackling Olivia behind the wall just as an explosion rocked their ears. A gunshot, he realized dimly. Olivia was already pulling out her gun and requesting backup, jaw set fiercely as she peered around the corner.

"It's an Asian guy, I don't recognize him," she said over her shoulder, voice steady as she returned fire. "And El, he started shooting when I found a bug in the notebook. He's probably been listening to us this whole time. God damn it, he's running." Olivia reached inside her black leather boot and tossed a pistol at him, which he just barely caught before racing after her, leaving his cane behind in the alley.

The street flashed by him as he took off, exhilaration affecting him like a drug as he searched for the man who had stolen four years of his life and so much more. A glint of metal caught his eye, and he dove to the side as a bullet ricocheted off the dumpster beside him.

"N.Y.P.D." Olivia yelled over the top of the dumpster, firing a few bullets in his direction. "Put down your weapon." She ducked as a few shots flew over her head, breathing heavily as she blew a strand of hair out of her face. She looked over at him, and he easily recognized the fierce look in her eye. Let's get the bastard.

Elliot stood up and took careful aim, the world narrowing down the barrel of his gun, and pulled the trigger. His hands shook, and he cursed as the shot went wide, and the man ran into an old packing building across the street. Olivia came out, throwing him a look that he was just able to read through his ringing ears. Be careful.

I've got your back, he nodded at her. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest, and he took in the air like it was a drug. The night closed in around them as they entered the old building, unbearable stillness thick in the air. Dusty old boxes piled high around them, and the two split up, checking behind every corner before advancing into the darkness. After a small eternity, they reached the staircase. Elliot held his breath anxiously, knowing how exposed they would be at the top. He exchanged a look with Olivia, and gave a little nod before climbing it one careful step at a time. He felt his legs tremble underneath him, and his breathing grow more ragged, but it was just background noise, not important enough to warrant his attention. His head popped over the staircase, and he ducked down just in time as he saw the man. His heart leapt into his throat as a bullet shattered the silence, narrowly missing his head.

"N.Y.P.D.," Olivia was next to him, impressively calm as she returned fire. "Drop your weapon."

"Drop yours!" A rough voice shouted back along with the clink of metal. He and Olivia exchanged a glance; he was reloading, this was their chance. Silently, they moved up from the stairs, advancing on him from either end. How many bullets did he have left? Elliot knew he would have to use them carefully. He heard the man pop the chamber back in, and raced around the corner, eyes meeting Olivia's for a brief moment before he shot the man in the foot. "Shit!" The guy dropped his gun, doubling over with pain. Olivia quickly apprehended him, kicking his gun away and handcuffing him.

"You," she said venomously. "Are under arrest for the attempted murder of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney–"

"I know my rights, bitch."

"Hey," Elliot barked. "Mind your manners." The man tilted his face up at him with a sleazy grin.

"You're still alive, huh, Stabler? Not for long." Olivia stepped on his bad foot, and he let out a yell. "Watch it, bitch!"

"Oh, sorry, was that your foot?" She smirked at him. "Get his gun, El."

"Are you wearing a rubber duck bowtie?" He heard the man call after him as he retrieved the weapon, Olivia searching him. "Hey, sweetheart, buy me a drink first."

Elliot narrowed his eyes at the man as they hauled him back out.

"We're going to have to reschedule with Kathy," Olivia muttered to him as they locked the man in the car. "We have a suspect to interrogate. I was going to wait until after your doctor had cleared you, but I'm not doing this without you, El. You want your old job back?"

He grinned, something important finally clicking into place. "I thought you'd never ask." His whole body was on fire with pain, but he didn't care. Benson and Stabler were back.

I know, I know, I just left you with a lot more questions than answers. But stay tuned, and all your questions shall be answered. Until next time :-)

xoxo