Saruman drove through the woods. Suddenly, his Porsche broke down.
"That wouldn't have happened if you had a Ford," said a random redneck.
"I only drive a Chevy," said another random redneck.
"OMG, ew," said Saruman.
Then Nepeta killed the rednecks.
"Thanks, guuurl," said Saruman.
"The fuck?" Nepeta said.
"You should totes help me out," said Saruman.
"With what?" asked Nepeta.
"Me and Sauron are, like, hiring a ton of librarians and stuff," said Saruman.
"Librarians?"
"Totally. A librarian killed Legolas, so we're making an awesomesauce army out of them."
"Legolas and his horse killed my moirail. I killed the horse in revenge, but I couldn't murder Legolas in time. I will join you, since these librarians carried out my revenge for me."
"Coolio," said Saruman. "My car broke down, though."
"I stole a Chevy from that dumb redneck when I killed him," said Nepeta. "We can drive in that. If it breaks down, we can use the Ford."
They got into the Chevy and drove away.
...
The crabcake was walking around outside aimlessly.
"WHY DID THAT DUMB BLOND GIRL HAVE TO PUT ME IN HER POCKET," the crabcake said. "I NEVER WANTED TO BE A PART OF THIS."
"I'm a boy," Legolas's ghost said.
"OH HOLY JESUS'S MOTHER'S ASSHOLE IT'S A GHOST," said the crabcake.
"Ew," said Legolas. "Anyway, someone brought me back to life. I need you to talk to her. There is something you need to know about."
"NO I HATE YOU," the crabcake said.
"Shut up. You're just a stupid crabcake," said Legolas.
"I'M NOT A GODDAMN CRABCAKE."
"Really? Because you look pretty eatable. ;) ;) ;)"
"EDIBLE."
"What?"
"IT'S PRONOUNCED EDIBLE."
"That doesn't make any sense. But this isn't important! We have to go talk to...ARADIA."
...
Earl was wandering around Equestria. He didn't know what to do. He never knew what to do.
"I should just kill myself," he said.
One of the pony therapists that was suddenly making so much money popped out of nowhere. "I heard you were suicidal!"
"I guess so," Earl said.
"That's great news! $35 for one session."
"I have to pay for food for my son, though," Earl said.
"Oh, you have a son?"
"I don't even know anymore...I don't know anything anymore."
"Oh dear, are you having an existential crisis?"
"Who knows? Are existential crises even real?"
"Yes. Yes they are. And you are definitely having one. Here's my business card." The therapist pony handed Earl a nail file and walked away.
"This isn't a business card," Earl said.
"Let's not question things, Earl," Cecil said.
"Jesus Christ, where did you come from."
"I was just making hot science with Carlos behind that dumpster and then I heard you questioning things again, so I had to step in."
Carlos waved from behind the dumpster.
"Is that why you're not wearing any pants?" Earl asked.
"Probably."
Then Cecil had a prophetic vision.
"A man named Derek Welsh is looking out the window at a squirrel right now," he said.
"I totally have to go study that," Carlos said, leaving.
"Wait, Carlos, you left your clothes behind!" Cecil called.
Carlos's clothes cried. "He always does this!" they said.
"Fucking right?" Cecil said.
"Do you think deer might actually be robots?" Earl asked.
...
Jeff, Near, and Autocorrect walked through the woods.
"Wait, do share the plan exact on?" Autocorrect asked.
"Shut the fuck up," said Jeff. "No one knows what you're saying and you're everyone's least favorite character."
"I know," said Autocorrect.
"Wait, so what's the plan exactly?" Near asked.
"We kill people," said Jeff.
"Chat it?" Autocorrect asked.
"I don't want to chat about anything with you," Jeff said.
Autocorrect considered suicide.
"That's it?" Near asked.
"Yeah, that's it. Oh, look, an innocent civilian!" Jeff said.
"That's a fire hydrant," Near said.
"Damn, you're right," Jeff said.
...
Saruman and Nepeta were in Night Vale, picking up librarians and putting them in a shopping bag.
"These librarians are totes gross," Saruman said.
Nepeta ripped a librarian's throat out.
"OMG, did you just give that librarian a hickey? LOL you slut," Saruman said.
"What." Nepeta said.
"LOLOLOL." Saruman giggled, putting a librarian in his pocket.
"Your pockets are big enough to fit an entire librarian in them?" Nepeta asked.
"Um, yeah. Big pockets are super in this season," Saruman said.
Suddenly, Near, Jeff, and Autocracy burst into Night Vale!
...
An old, giant mansion sat on a tall hill. Lightning cracked behind it.
Roman Torchwick stared out a broken window ominously.
"It is time," he said.
Thunder boomed in the distance. It started to rain. Roman narrowed his eyes.
...
Legolas led the crabcake to Aradia's hive.
"Knock," Legolas said.
The crabcake knocked.
Aradia opened the door. She smiled creepily.
"OH JESUS FUCKING BUTTMUNCHER," the crabcake said, shutting the door.
"Wow rude," Legolas said.
"SORRY." The crabcake opened Aradia's door again. "I'M READY TO TALK NOW."
"Sauron hath found a way to kill us all!" Aradia said. "He hath found...librarians."
"Oh shit," Legolas said.
"Oh shit," Dave said.
"Oh shit," your mom said. (Buuuuuuurn.)
"WHAT?" the crabcake said.
Aradia disappeared.
"I NEED TO GO FIND SOME MORAL SUPPORT," the crabcake said.
"I'll go with you," Dave said.
They fucked off to Kanaya's hive.
The crabcake knocked on Kanaya's door.
She opened it. "Hello, Crabcake. I'm a little busy right now. I'm having my Gay Vampire Book Club meeting."
"I'M NOT A CRABCAKE. YOU HAVE A BOOKCLUB?"
"Yes. I am the leader."
"CAN I JOIN?"
"No. It's very exclusive. Only gay vampires can join."
"That sounds hella specific," Dave said. "Is there actually anyone else at your club?"
Kanaya looked offended and tried to close the door.
"WAIT, KANAYA, I NEED MORAL SUPPORT," the crabcake said.
"I don't give a fuck." Kanaya shifted into her alter ego, Kanaynay, put on a pair of shades, and slammed the door.
"Wow, that's harsh, man," Dave said.
Suddenly, they saw Pewdiepie running up to them in the distance!
...
And the plot thickens.