Author's note:
Wanted to say thanks for the kind feedback and to also say I'm scared this second part won't meet expectations... I'm still setting things up, though, so hope you bear with me *grin*.
Tiny timeline note - I've decided to ignore a tiny canon bit regarding the second movie because it was somewhat botched up anyway - so for this story's sake Mulder isn't a fugitive wanted by the FBI two years prior to the movie. The reason being that in the end of the series, he was actually wanted by the army... so if they can ignore continuity, I have decided I can too... (just a wee bit).
OK, on with the story.
"Closet of Eternal Sorrow", part two
Fox Mulder heard the sound of a car approaching the driveway. He could tell it was Scully. Her 2002 Ford Fiesta engine had a recognizable ring to it, and he could easily distinguish it from the delivery vans that frequented their home on a daily basis.
Despite all curtains being drawn, Mulder could tell that Scully had come home early. It was highly irregular as she usually didn't get home till the late hours of evening during her day shift. She always did overtime and even when she was sick, she'd make the effort to come in, if only to keep up with her lab work, since she couldn't be around the sick during those days.
His curiosity was definitely piqued. What would make Dr. Dana Scully stray from her beloved place of work at such an early hour?
As he noted the sound of her boot steps hitting the front deck, he swiveled quickly in his chair and made sure his back was facing the entrance. He heard the jingle of her keys as she unlocked the door and he waited quietly for her to address him.
"Hey," she sounded breathless and raspy.
Mulder immediately knew she'd been crying. He knew that he should ask her what had happened. He knew that was the right thing to do. That's what he used to do. But he wasn't that guy anymore and since she'd made the choice to keep him in the dark about her feelings for so long, he didn't feel she deserved his interest now. She'd managed so far without his help, she can continue without it.
He heard the front door closing behind her and he could tell she was still standing there as if expecting a reaction from him. He chose not to completely ignore her, but he wasn't going to address what had brought her home this early in the day, even though he was curious.
He gave her a casual wave of his hand, acknowledging her presence, then he put his headphones back on and resumed the YouTube video he'd been watching prior to her arrival. He did however turn down the volume and he could hear the exasperated huff she let out as she trudged past him and headed for the bathroom.
Despite trying hard to ignore his life-partner's state, he couldn't help wincing at the sound of the slamming bathroom door. It wasn't usual Scully behavior. This woman was a stickler for rules and proper conduct. Slamming doors was a big no-no in the so called 'Scully bylaw manifest'. The other big no-no was related to her crying at home. He couldn't recall the last time he'd seen her cry. He gave it some thought and realized she'd stopped crying at his presence soon after they'd gotten to New Mexico. She'd become this automaton. When did he realize this? He recalled making a note to himself regarding the change in her demeanor a few months after they'd moved into the cabin in the woods. At some point he noticed she wasn't sharing things with him anymore. She stopped talking about work and soon after she gave up talking to him altogether. It was like she was devoid of all emotion, which of course he knew was bullshit, but he understood that as far as he was concerned, Scully had chosen to keep him in the dark regarding her frame of mind. A strange notion considering they lived together.
But today, this, supposedly, unemotional woman was having what he could only described as a crying fit, a fully-fledged one, complete with ceremonial retching. Yes, she tried to muffle her sobs, but the small cabin was usually so quiet that even the slightest of sounds seemed like a bellowing horn in comparison. Mulder forced himself to stay put. If she wanted him to help her, she would have to ask for his help. He was not going to approach a woman who made every possible effort to keep him out of her emotional life.
The gentle whooshing sound of a door being opened informed Mulder that Scully's meltdown was over. He didn't look up, but he could hear that the cold rational woman was back in control. There was something about her stride. It wasn't confidence so much as that he could tell how each of her steps felt calculated. She padded to their walk-in closet and soon after the telltale sounds of coat hangers being shoved aside could be registered as she changed her clothes.
Now he noted a different sound in her step. She had switched from boots to her running shoes. Of course. She was heading out. She couldn't spend too many hours cooped in with him in their cramped cabin. The more space between them the better. Yes, Scully. Go. It's better this way.
Scully shook her head as she slowly shut the door behind her. She'd been worried how Mulder would react to her coming home in such a state. Boy! Was she wrong. He didn't give a shit! She could have come in covered in blood and he wouldn't have even noticed. As she strode down the front porch steps and began her casual walk into the surrounding woods, she wondered how it had all come to this.
She welcomed these thoughts as they distracted her from her ordeal at the hospital. Possibly she even welcomed this uncaring and very non-supporting Mulder. Indeed she was surprised at his disinterest, but it certainly made things a lot easier for her.
She'd made up her mind a while back, that Mulder needed a peaceful environment if he was to keep calm and sane; so when she noticed her pain was hurting him, she forced herself to keep her emotions in check. Over time she'd added more unwritten rules to her 'keep Mulder sane' book – she wouldn't slam her hands on a table, she wouldn't curse, she wouldn't wallow in self-pity, nor would she discuss their previous life with him. At first imposing these self-made guidelines upon herself was extremely hard, but soon after, keeping herself bottled up had become like second nature. The sad part was, Mulder had been the only person she truly felt free to confide in and now without his support, despite being surrounded with people, Dana Scully felt all alone.
She reflected back upon their life since she'd left the FBI. At first things were very bad. They were fugitives. They were living in hiding, fearing for their lives. Both of them were emotional wrecks. She was still grieving the loss of her son. He was suffering from severe PTSD and was having a hard time separating hallucination from reality. At the time she had thought that as they were back together they'd be able to cope. It took her about a year to realize that she had been wrong, but by then she couldn't turn things around. Their lives had become so intertwined once again and he had become fully dependent on her.
Being a medical professional, she had no problem securing a job at a local clinic under an assumed ID. It was a low profile job but it provided the income they needed to survive during their exile. She'd be out most of the day treating stuffy nosed kids and elderly ladies with various non-life threatening conditions while Mulder remained secluded from the world within the minuscule apartment they were renting. His condition got worse. He hardly ever slept and when he did, his sleep was riddled with nightmares. During the day he'd wander back and forth talking to invisible counterparts. He'd yell at them, he'd confide in them, he'd make plans with them and so on and so on. Some days he was so lost in his imaginary world that he didn't even register her presence.
Mulder's worsening condition had a heavy impact on her own mental being. She felt herself being dragged into the darkness with him. She knew they could not afford to lose their only income but she found she was forcing herself to get out of bed every day just because she was scared for their livelihood. She had no appetite most days, and despite the unhealthy diet of tacos and enchiladas', she lost weight, as she didn't eat more than a few bites per meal. She had fainting spells and dizzy spells, her mind would go blurry and it was taking its toll on her work. She had to find a way to get Mulder better or they'd both end up on the streets.
Eventually she chose to spend some of their mingy income on Prozac which she got from the black market and she began administering to Mulder. At first she would mix it with his food and drink as he was too paranoid and she knew there was a good chance he wouldn't agree to any form of medication. When he started to calm down, she confided in him. To her surprise, he took it well and agreed to keep on taking the drugs.
Scully was amazed at how things had turned around. Not only did his anxiety and nightmares disappear, he was now able to carry his own weight. He was once again a functional member of society. Three months after he began taking the antidepressant, and he was able to work. More so – he wanted to work and it didn't have to be related to an X-File. He settled for English teaching, giving private lessons from home. In return, he got to learn Spanish. His was pretty abysmal up until then.
Scully sighed as she remembered those days. In essence they were living like a normal couple. Each had their work during the day, and when she came home they spent time in each other's company. But something was missing. Mulder seemed fine. He was sleeping well, eating well, teaching children and even working out on a daily basis. It took her some time to figure out why she felt unhappy with this situation. One day it dawned on her; he just wasn't the Mulder she used to know. The drug saved him from himself but it also took away his personality. Mulder was never the type to sit back and be content with a normal life. The Mulder she knew would have made every effort to return and fight whoever was trying to kill them. The problem was that he was so damaged, there was no way he would be able to function off the SSRI and he couldn't get any therapy where they lived.
She realized that she would have to accept this new dull Mulder if she was to save him and probably herself. It was an acceptable price to pay, but it was hard on her. He would sit next to her on the sofa, telling her about his day but nothing he would say would interest her or excite her like it used to and she was pissed at herself for feeling this way. To think that once she had craved a normal life. She now knew that this sort of life was not for her. Nor was it a life for Mulder.
As she continued her hike through the woods, she tried to think if she missed those days. She was lonely but she was free of her worries for Mulder. She could talk to him about her feelings, but then she remembered that it was like pouring oil on water… nothing stuck. She could have been talking to him about preparing a cup of tea and he would have had the same reaction. He listened to her, but nothing truly registered. This was something that always astounded her; the effect of psychiatric drugs. The way they changed the chemistry of the brain in such a way that a person could be so completely different.
She waited for things to change, even though she knew that thoughts of hope were probably be futile. She was finally rewarded for her endurance.
She had found a way to keep in touch with Skinner with the help of patients of hers who traveled across the country on business. She'd given them instructions regarding how to contact him. She left cryptic messages but Skinner figured them out and every few months she would send him a message and he would reply. Those tiny notes she received kept her going. The first notes were just to let her know how things were with him and she would let him know of their situation. Then one day she received a note telling her about the death of Billy Miles. This shocked her to the core. Her excitement, unfortunately, didn't pass on to Mulder who received this important piece of information as if she was telling him about next day's weather. Moments like this made her abhor the drugs. She wanted to shake Mulder out of his indifference but she knew it was pointless. He would have just looked at her with a confused stare. He would not understand why she was so upset. Instead, just like she had done today, she went out for a walk, trying to organize her untidy thoughts. Miles was a super soldier. He could not die. Possibly Skinner was wrong. Maybe he had come back to life since she had received this note. She couldn't harbor any hope. She couldn't. But she did.
She tried to avoid sending too many notes back and forth. She knew there was a great risk to Mulder's life if anybody found out that Skinner was in contact with her, so she had to wait patiently until she could ask him all the questions she had in mind. Two months later she received another note. Super Soldier killer virus discovered.
She reminisced back on that day. It was beyond belief. Finally things were turning in their favor. She had a good feeling in her heart that soon this miserable life they were living would be over. Maybe she would finally have her Mulder back. She would also be able to see her mom again. She missed her so much. She knew that her disappearance was probably wreaking havoc in her mother's soul. She didn't know if she could ever make up for it.
She realized as she was recalling those days in New Mexico that she should probably call her mom. Things were never quite the same between them after she'd given up on her son. She sighed. She'd caused her mother so much grief. What sort of a daughter was she?
She'd given up so much, and it was all for Mulder. There was no way around it. That day she was assigned to work with him on the X-Files was the day her life changed forever and the day she met her one and only true partner. But somehow it was never simple for them. They were not meant to have it easy. Even now, when nobody was chasing them and Mulder wasn't chasing anything, still, things were just not right between them.
He wasn't well. He wasn't as bad as he was during their first year in New Mexico, but he was not in any way a healthy specimen.
Her prayers were eventually answered. Not only were all the super soldiers dead due to the virus, but once the super soldiers' nature had become a known fact, people at upper ranks were forced to exonerate Mulder from the crimes they had accused him of committing. He was no longer considered a felon running from the law. His matter was not going to be pursued any further. She had received all of this wondrous information over a long distance call from Skinner. It had been four years since she had heard his voice.
Now, two years later, she wondered what had gone wrong. She'd been longing to get back. She was hoping they could finally have some peace and quiet. Skinner had used his contacts to get her a position at "Our Lady of Sorrows Hospital" at the pediatric oncology ward. She finally had a job that earned her enough money so she could afford therapy for Mulder. She wanted to wean him off the detested SSRIs. She loathed that Mulder needed them to function and their effect on him. She had high hopes that with therapy, he would be able to function sans drugs.
As Mulder was still under the drugs' effect, he agreed to treatment. The therapist gradually reduced his dosage until he was off the Prozac altogether within half a year since treatment had begun, but as the effect wore off, Scully noted changes. Slowly his paranoia had returned. The PTSD wasn't as bad, but he was restless and insecure and after a year's therapy he refused to continue. He believed it wasn't helping anymore and Scully felt he was probably right.
He was far more sensitive but this had both its upsides and downsides. He was so tender with her and caring; tiny gestures that told her just how well he knew her. He'd order special science magazines for her and he'd prepare her dinner, albeit a simple dish, but he would make it and even succeed at it. They were even talking about getting a dog at some stage because he knew how much she loved her mutts. But then she would catch him brooding when he wasn't paying attention. The sadness in his eyes would crack her heart. Gradually he'd become more withdrawn. Most days he'd be on the internet surfing and collecting printouts. He'd turned the den into their old basement office. The walls were covered with post-its and newspaper clippings. She tried to tell herself that this was part of his therapy. That he needed to go through this phase, but deep down she knew this was more than a phase.
She started to slowly refrain from sharing certain details with him as he gradually regressed. She realized that she was going back to her original decision that the less she told him, the less hurt he would be. So she stopped telling him about her sick kids and she stopped trying to reminisce about how they used to be. When she spoke with Skinner it was always from work and gradually she felt there wasn't much for her to talk about with Mulder, and as she quit sharing with him, the more resentful he became.
She felt as if he were a child, angry at her because he could not understand that her deeds were for his own good. She found no way to explain to Mulder that she was just thinking of him. She hoped he wouldn't resent her for long. Alas, this was not to be.
Now all their life consisted of was routines that they each kept. He would wake up early, have a decent workout, have his breakfast, surf the net, collect parcels from delivery vans, watch TV, eat and if she was home, they'd have sex. It would be just another part of their routine. She'd eat her usual low fat food, go to work, come home, read medical journals, write a few emails and then she'd join him for sex if she could.
They lived with each other but it was more like living side by side. It was just out of pure selfish comfort that they stuck to one another. They could've just as well been living with someone else, and nobody would have noticed the difference.
And the sad part was, she knew there and then that things won't change. She would never leave him. He needed her. At least that's what she believed. So she stayed and kept a rational façade around him, and if she had a bad day, she would save her pain for the tiny closet at work. That's how it had been for some time. Until today.
It was getting late. She knew better than to remain in the woods after dark. The cabin's location was essentially nowhere and should something happen to her, she wasn't sure she would be found in time. Sometimes she wished she could just disappear, especially after a day like today. She still felt the stabbing pain as she remembered Miranda's words to her. She should have never promised her a good outcome. She will never repeat that mistake again. She only regretted planting a seed of hope in that mother's heart and then crushing it to bits.
She searched the woods for the shortcut back to the field surrounding their house. She came by it a couple of minutes later and she strode half-heartedly back to their home. She wasn't looking forward to her partner's detachment. She needed a shoulder to lay her troubles upon. She couldn't really blame Mulder or the medication, or its lack thereof, for how things had turned out. Mulder's soul had been tarnished long before he was born, by the acquaintances his mother and supposed father had made. He was the unfortunate result of these connections, essentially born to pay for the sins of his fathers and mother.
As for her? She truly didn't know why she was so drawn to him and his crusade for all these years. She still wondered if she had not been kidnapped, would she have remained with him. She had no answer to that and at this moment it didn't really matter.
She never imagined herself feeling so alone, though. She used to have friends and she was used to her big family gatherings as a child. That past life seemed so alien to her now. She could not relate to it anymore. She had done so much and seen so much. At least the challenge of her work was something that came close to the kind of thrill she required on a daily basis.
She knew her feelings of guilt would subside. She will have a quiet evening with Mulder, even if it was just to sit by his side and watch an old movie. Tomorrow she will start fresh. Things will be OK. She made up her mind to keep a strong grip over her emotions and to not let any grieving mother or her aloof lover affect her.