Shocked

"Where is he?" Rikuo asked Kakei in an undertone. They had a line of people waiting to be checked out but Rikuo was distracted because Kazahaya had yet to come back. It had already been a couple of hours since he'd left to go get lunch. The sandwiches had been delivered but not by Kazahaya. They hadn't heard from him since before he'd left.

"Rikuo? His change." Kakei reminded Rikuo of the customer in front of him. In truth, he was just as worried about Kazahaya but there was nothing they could do just now.

Saiga handed a woman a bottle down from a high shelf and murmured a 'your welcome'. That was it! He was going. "Hey Kakei! I'm going out – to look! Call me!" His voice rang out loudly making the customers stare at him.

Kakei was relieved to hear the loud statement. He nodded and watched as Saiga hurried through the front door. "No, you stay. I need your help." Kakei grabbed Rikuo's wrist to keep him from following after Saiga. "Besides we don't know that anything is wrong. We'll wait." Kakei stared into Rikuo's worried eyes until he got the boy's nod.

"I'll wait but I don't like this. I don't like it at all." Rikuo grumbled and yet again looked to the door as it opened ushering in another customer. "Damn."

Saiga went straight to the sandwich shop and asked about Kazahaya. "How was he? Was he alright? Did he say where he was going? What did he say?" He leaned in close over the counter frightening the elderly owner.

"Whoa, Saiga-san! Look, he was fine. Kudo-kun ordered the subs then asked if they could be delivered because he had some errands to run. That's it. Really, he paid for them, took his sandwich and left. Has something happened to the boy? Not Kudo-kun." The old man worried with a towel that hung at his waist.

Saiga stared but saw nothing other than what the man had said. "Sorry for being so intense, it's just that…he hasn't come back yet. You say he took his sub? Did you notice if he had anything else with him? It might tell me where he went."

"He's just late coming home?" The man laughed. "He's a teenager. Kudo-kun's probably off goofing around."

"No, he's been going through something lately." Saiga explained carefully. "Is there anything else you can tell me?" Saiga again leaned close trying to get the man to take him seriously.

When the owner saw that Saiga was really upset he closed his eyes and tried to think of exactly what happened during the lunch rush. "I'm sorry Saiga-san; he seemed like the same Kudo-kun as always. When he came in it was busy so if he had anything with him, I didn't notice. And since I was the one who waited on him, nobody else would have paid much attention to him either. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, okay. Thanks. Sorry for getting in your face." Discouraged he turned to leave.

"Call me when you find him! I'm worried now too. If I see him, I'll send him home okay?" Worry lines creased the older man's face as Saiga looked back and lifted a hand to wave.

For the next few hours, Saiga walked the neighboring streets looking for Kazahaya. If he'd gone back to the store, Kakei would have called him but his phone remained silent. In the pit of his stomach a tight ball of fear was forming. Had something happened to him? Did this have anything to do with Tuskiko? He'd said something about errands. What errands? Where had Kazahaya gone?

Twilight was approaching and still there was no sign of him. All this searching was reminding him of when Kazahaya was running from those thugs. Something like that couldn't be happening again, could it? Saiga turned abruptly and headed back towards the store. He needed help and plan before continuing and flashlights since it would be dark soon. Flashlights?! Not Black Shadow! Again he turned so he was heading for the warehouse that thing occupied but stopped so suddenly that someone bumped into him and fell down.

"Hey man! Watch where you're…going. Sorry!" The kid saw black shades and a flash of teeth but it was the deep growl that made him decide to get out of the man's way.

"Kakei! Is he home? What? You sure it's from the kid? On my way!" Saiga snapped the phone shut and started running. "Move! Move! Out of my way!" People moved quickly out of his way and stared curiously at the racing man in black.

Business began to slow down but still no Kazahaya. Kakei left Rikuo to mind the store because he had to meet a deadline to place some orders and he wanted to get a head start on his paperwork, just in case for some reason he didn't get to it later.

When he wasn't helping customers, Rikuo was either looking out the windows or standing in the doorway looking for Kazahaya. Many thoughts kept running through his mind as he waited for Kazahaya to come home.

Maybe he just needed some time alone. We'd just made love, everything was okay. Surely nothing could have happened to him, not now when they were just starting to work things out. Could the people who had Tsukiko also have Kazahaya? Had he been kidnapped?! Rikuo pounded on the doorframe at the thought of loosing Kazahaya in the same way he'd lost Tsukiko. "Where are you Kazahaya?" The only answer he got were strange looks from the people walking by.

Kakei came into the store and saw Rikuo standing half in/half out of the store. Kakei had tried not to think. He didn't want to think of all the reasons Kazahaya hadn't come home but seeing Rikuo so worried and tense, he couldn't stop the thoughts now.

Had they been wrong to try and cheer him up? They had sort of forced themselves on him but… he seemed like he was having fun. Maybe Kazahaya and Rikuo had moved too fast and it was too soon for them to be intimate. Maybe Saiga shouldn't have teased him so. But that wasn't fair, maybe it had nothing to do with them at all. They hadn't really talked to Kazahaya and tried to find out what he was feeling, just treated him like a child to be amused with a favorite toy. Had he failed Kazahaya yet again? God…where is he? Please let him come home!

A few more customers came in distracting them for a few moments but as the sunlight receded, fear increased. Kakei kept checking his watch, they had another fifteen minutes before closing but he couldn't wait that long. He was going to close early, call Saiga and they were all going to search for Kazahaya.

"Rikuo lock the door. We're going to look for him." Kakei pulled the phone from his pocket.

"About damn time!" Rikuo stalked to the door but before he could reach it, it opened. "Sorry we're closing."

"Oh, I'm not a customer. I'm delivering a package for a Kakei-san. Just need a signature and I'm out of here." The young man held out the clipboard but Rikuo stepped back and looked to Kakei.

Impatient, Kakei closed the phone and took the clipboard. He scrawled his name quickly and reached for the package. He glanced at it as the delivery guy turned to leave and froze. "Wait! Did you see who mailed this?" In his chest, Kakei's heart fluttered.

"Huh? No sorry, I just deliver'em. Night." The young man left.

"Kakei, what is it?" Rikuo didn't like how pale Kakei had gotten or the look of dread that showed on his face.

"It's from Kazahaya!" Kakei turned the box to show Rikuo the handwritten label. "Hurry and lock the door." Trembling, Kakei made his way to the counter and set the box down. He stared at the ordinary brown box and knew something awful had happened. Kakei looked at the cardboard box and felt a keen sense of loss. Why? Why hadn't he seen this coming? Thinking back on the last few days, it was all so obvious. Kazahaya had planned this! We were just so pleased that he seemed to come out of his depression. It was too easy! Dammit it had all been too easy! They hadn't taken the time to talk with him – just took him out to play. They'd hurt him and he'd left – Kazahaya was gone!

"Well?! Open it!" Rikuo demanded. They must have taken Kazahaya too! This must be their demands…I hope that's all it is. Kazahaya, I'll get you back! "Kakei open the damned box!" Rikuo reached for it but Kakei snatched it away.

"Wait. We should all be here for this." Kakei finally looked up at Rikuo. "I'll call Saiga and we'll open this together."

Rikuo didn't understand why Kakei looked so sad when he should be anxious. They didn't have time to waste. "Why? We can tell Saiga what their demands are when he gets home. We need to open this and see what they want. We don't have time to wait! Kakei?" Again he reached for the box only to have Kakei back away from him.

He doesn't understand…God… "Rikuo, this is from Kazahaya…not anybody else. He hasn't – hasn't been kidnapped. Kazahaya, I think…Kazahaya has left us."

A blank stare. "Huh? What are you? No! Dammit no! You're wrong! Something's happened to him! Those people – Tsukiko! Those people took him from me! Kakei…give me…the goddamn box!" Rikuo rushed him but Kakei was ready.

The man side-stepped Rikuo and tripped him. Rikuo went down onto all fours and turned rage filled eyes up at him. Again he flew at Kakei who backhanded him and using only one hand caught Rikuo's arm and jerked it up behind his back. "Stop it! I won't argue with you. Go! Go upstairs and see for yourself! I'm calling Saiga and then we'll open this together!"

"You're lying." Rikuo whispered. "He wouldn't leave me. Not – not after…last night. You're lying. You have to be!" Tears gathered as he looked over his shoulder at Kakei.

The terrible disbelief on Rikuo's face was hard to see but Kakei thought the teen was starting to understand. Carefully he let go and backed away.

Several hard breaths escaped Rikuo as he got to his feet. His head hung low as one foot moved forward slowly. "He can't. He wouldn't. He loves me!" The last three words were said as he ran out of the store and headed upstairs to their apartment. "Kazahaya loves me! He wouldn't leave me!" Rikuo's voice echoed throughout the store.

Kakei watched him leave and fought to hold back his own tears. Carefully he took the box back to his office and collapsing into his chair, finally called Saiga.

Upstairs, Rikuo burst through the door. He saw their apartment. The sunlight was fading but he could see. Everything was as he'd left it this morning. The beds were made and there on Kazahaya's bed were those silly stuffed animals he'd won.

"Kakei is wrong." Rikuo spoke into the silence as he walked in. Everything was normal…except it was too neat. None of Kazahaya's things were scattered about the room – not his music, his books or his clothes. The dresser – Where were his pictures, his comb and brush? A sob crawled up his throat as he went to that dresser and opened a drawer. Empty. Quickly he checked them all and most of Kazahaya's things were missing. "Kazahaya?"

Rikuo checked the closet and the bathroom. Things were missing, little things and necessary things. If Kazahaya was coming back, why were all his shoes gone? Where was his deodorant and toothbrush? "Kazahaya?" He stood in the middle of the room calling for his mate. Suddenly he could feel it, the total absence of Kazahaya. A few of his things remained but he no longer lived here. Sinking to his knees, Rikuo pounded on the floor several times. "Kazahaya…why?"

Saiga fumbled with his keys but finally got the door open. He hurried in and went to the office. On the desk sat an unopened box and just behind it was Kakei's head. He sat with his head resting on crossed arms and his shoulders appeared to be shaking. There was no sign of Rikuo.

"Kakei? Kakei?" A soft tone seemed needed as he walked into the room. Saiga perched on the edge of the desk and placed a hand on Kakei's head.

Kakei jerked up. He'd been busy going over all that he had and hadn't done for Kazahaya and never noticed that Saiga had come in. "Saiga!" He stood quickly and wrapped his arms around Saiga's neck. "Kazahaya's gone! I'm sure he's gone!" The words were spoken into Saiga's ear and sent chills down the man's spine.

Saiga's muscles clenched at the words. "Gone? What do you mean by gone?!" Saiga pushed Kakei back to look at his face. "Is he…what happened to him?!"

"No! No, sorry. He's alive but…he's left. Look, he sent this box. He disappeared in the middle of a busy afternoon and he's been so depressed and we didn't talk to him or…"

Saiga pulled Kakei close again. He blinked several times and felt his heart pounding. For a moment, he'd thought that Kazahaya was dead. He's alive but the kid's run away? Kakei's words, were they true? But what about the fun they'd had just the other day? Kazahaya and Rikuo had seemed to be together again. And what about Rikuo?

"Hold on." Again Saiga looked into Kakei's ravaged face. Tears were ready to fall but Kakei's will held them back. "Did you have a vision? Did you see the kid leaving? Where he went?" When Kakei shook his head, Saiga frowned and stood. "Then how do you know?! Where's Rikuo? You didn't tell him this did you?" Saiga was angry. Unbelievable! He was talking nonsense! How could Kakei think that Kazahaya had run away and then tell Rikuo when they didn't have any proof.

"It's true. He's…gone." Rikuo stood in the doorway. His face was red from where Kakei had struck him and from crying. "Clothes, some pictures, his freaking deodorant - all gone!" Rikuo stumbled in and sank into an armchair. "I remember...he left me Saiga, with only a wave. He waved goodbye to me." A harsh laugh escaped Rikuo. "Guess it's better than nothing, huh?"

Saiga looked at Rikuo and barely recognized him, so changed he was from this morning. He too remembered how Kazahaya had left. The boy had slapped him on the arm and yes, he'd waved to Rikuo as he'd left the store. Unconsciously, Saiga's hand covered the spot, Kazahaya had touched. "Gone but why? It doesn't make any damned sense!"

The three of them were silent as if waiting for Kazahaya to come in and say it was all a joke but he didn't appear. Their eyes were drawn to the box sitting on Kakei's desk. It spoke volumes in the silent room. Finally, Saiga pulled out his pocket knife and slit the tape. It took another few moments to get his hands steady enough to open the flaps.

Kakei was next to him as he looked inside and they both gasped. Scared by their reaction, Rikuo rushed over to the desk but couldn't he figure out why a wooden box with carved symbols on it would have both of them gasping. There was something else in the box wrapped in plastic but still nothing to cause them both to freeze up.

"What?! What the fuck is it? Has he been kidnapped after all?" That would be better. That he could deal with. If Kazahaya had been taken then he hadn't willingly walked out on him. "Tell me!"

"He remembered. Kazahaya-kun remembered but I had forgotten about it. He knew where I kept this. How long…had he had it? Saiga, he…"

"The damn kid knew exactly what he was doing." Saiga felt some admiration for Kazahaya's forethought. "He wanted to be sure you wouldn't see him. He's not going to make it easy on us to find him. Shit." In a way, pride for how Kazahaya had pulled this off flowed through Saiga along with the total disbelief that neither of them had seen what was going on with him.

"What?! What's so special about that box?" Rikuo was ready to hit something. The two of them knew something and talking about it without explaining anything was driving him insane.

"Do you remember the night you met Aisha?" Kakei began and looked up to see a confused and startled look on Rikuo's face. "You were on a job to take back a pocket watch but Kazahaya-kun had trouble finding it because it wasn't where I'd seen it. My vision had been distorted because of a specific charm. It's a strong charm, I could see the watch but not it's exact location. It also interfered with Kazahaya-kun's powers, he wasn't able to find it by touch alone but had to physically search for it.

"He brought it back with him and when I saw it I put the charm in here. Charms such as these need to be kept locked away when not in use. I knew I wouldn't have any visions as long as it was out. He saw where I kept this box. I wonder when he took it." Kakei too felt some pride in Kazahaya's actions. Usually he did things on the spur of the moment. Kazahaya was a spontaneous person most of the time but not this time. He'd remembered the charm and taken it. He'd picked a day that was usually busy and slipped out of the store for lunch with none of them the wiser as to what he was up to. Kazahaya had fooled them all.

Rikuo's head was pounding as he stared at the wooden box. "So…you won't have any visions of him? Wait a minute! You haven't even opened the thing! How do we know the charm's not still in there? Maybe he forgot or he only wanted to use it to get away this afternoon!" Rikuo liked this theory. Surely Kazahaya had sent the charm back thinking he wouldn't need it anymore. Kakei would have a vision and they'd find him soon. Kazahaya would be back soon. Rikuo was nodding already imagining holding him again.

Carefully Kakei picked up the box. The lid was not attached to the box so he had to lift it up. "Oh my." Inside, lying on the velvet lining of the box was a crystal. It was milky white in the very center and clear on the outside.

"Is that it? Is that the charm?" Rikuo demanded. It was a crystal; he knew that but maybe, possibly it was the charm too. He hoped it was the charm.

"No it's not. The charm is gone." Saiga said bursting Rikuo's bubble. He wanted to reach out and comfort the boy but Rikuo stepped away from the desk. "The kid bought this for you." When Kakei looked up at him confused, Saiga explained. "Your eyes, your eyes change when you have a vision. I tried to describe it to him one day. This crystal looks like your eyes when you have a vision. Guess he wanted you to know that he's thinking about you. Crazy kid." Saiga said with affection.

Kakei took out the crystal and held it on the palm of his hand. My eyes look like this? Kazahaya… "It feels warm. This is just like him." A tear slipped from Kakei's eye.

Saiga cleared his throat and reached for the other package. It was something black wrapped in cellophane. He tore it open and shook out the fabric. A laugh escaped him. It was a black apron with a huge yellow smiley face on it but what had triggered the laugh was that the smiley face was wearing shades.

Rikuo had pressed his forehead against the wall, fists on either side pounding the wall as Saiga and Kakei talked. When he heard Saiga's laugh, he turned wanting to know what could make Saiga laugh at a time like this. "It suits you." He said softly. "Kazahaya was thinking about you too. Is there – is there something…for me?" Hope and dread battled within his body.

Kakei sucked in his breath because he could see the desperate hope that Rikuo couldn't hide. The hope that Kazahaya had sent him something too. This time it was Kazahaya who'd left and Rikuo steeped in misery. It seemed Rikuo wanted, no needed some connection to Kazahaya. Kakei hoped the box wasn't empty.

Saiga looked somewhat guilty as he carefully lay down his apron. He leaned over to look inside the box and indeed there was something else. "There's something – a letter." Taking out the letter, Saiga also lifted the box and shook it. "Just the letter and it's addressed to…all of us." He watched as Rikuo swayed looking as if the merest breeze would send him to the floor. Saiga handed the letter to Kakei, went to Rikuo and helped him to sit down. He joined him on the couch and held Rikuo's hand. "Kakei?"

Kakei nodded, he would read the letter. Still holding the crystal in his hand, Kakei slit open the envelop. As he took out the folded papers, he noticed the paper was damp. Automatically he knew that it was Kazahaya's tears that wet the paper. It was getting harder to hold back his own tears each time he thought of Kazahaya out there alone because they had been too caught in Tuskiko to pay any attention to him.

Sitting down across from the two men, Kakei opened the papers that appeared to have been torn out of a notebook. The writing was shaky and the ink a bit smeared.

Dear Kakei-san, Saiga-san and Rikuo,

There is much I would like to say about how much you've changed me for the better but I don't have the time. Being with you all has made me a stronger person. I've learned a lot from you. I know now how to take care of myself and how to survive what's to come.

You should know by now that I've gone. Sorry to leave when the store was so busy but it was best for me. Thank you Kakei-san and Saiga-san for giving me a home when I needed one. I love you both. I hope you liked the things I sent and that you'll remember me well when you look at them.

Rikuo, I love you most of all. You were the answer to my heart's wishes. I'm just sorry that I wasn't yours. Tsukiko owns your heart and most of your love. I know you loved me but not enough. I need more. I didn't get you a present because I didn't know what would best express my feelings for you but I left some things behind and hopefully you'll think of me fondly when you see them.

Tsukiko is important to you all, I know that now. She's more important to you than I'll ever be and I don't want to live in her shadow. I hope you'll soon find the answers you need. Sorry I wasn't more help to you. Forgive me. Please find her and live happily. I wish you all the best and please know I'll never find anyone who'll replace any of you in my heart.

Oh, don't worry about Black Shadow, with me gone maybe it will just go away. I plan to go far away where it can never hurt me again. I must go now. I'll miss you a lot and I'll never forget you guys.

Your friend always, Kudo Kazahaya.

Minutes went by after Kakei stopped reading. Each was lost in the words the teen hadn't been able to say to them in person. He written simply and without blame but his pain could be felt by all of them. Kazahaya had felt left out; a fifth wheel as far as Tsukiko was concerned. They'd messed up and he hadn't given them the chance correct that mistake.

"Stupid, stupid boy!" Kakei's hand shook the letter he held. "If he'd only spoken up! Why put himself – why put all of us through this because of a misunderstanding?!"

"Kakei," Saiga agreeing with him. "Damn, I don't like this any better than you but his emotions are fragile and have been since before he ever came here. You know that better than any of us. We don't have time to be angry with him. We made a mistake and now we have to fix it. Don't we Rikuo?" He addressed the silent man at his side.

Rikuo's hand held tightly to Saiga's as he stared down at nothing. "I don't…know. I hurt him. Now Kazahaya's…left me. Maybe we should…let him go. I want – I want Kazahaya to be…happy. If he's away from me…maybe he will be." Finally he looked up at them.

There was a forced smile on his face. Rikuo's eyes were too wide and his body was stiff as a board. "We should let him be. He'll be happier without me. He deserves someone who will really love him." The words had sped out of his mouth. It was if he said them fast enough then they wouldn't hurt as bad. A tremor shook him and Saiga couldn't stand looking at him. He gathered Rikuo close and rocked him.

Kakei stared at the two of them. They were each coming apart at the seams. Kazahaya was gone and Rikuo was falling apart. Tsukiko had left under mysterious circumstances and Kazahaya believing that he couldn't measure up to Tsukiko, had taken off. Where had they gone wrong and how in God's name were they going to fix it?

Night fell as they sat there unsure of exactly what to do. Kazahaya was gone. They couldn't reach out and touch him but each saw him in their minds. When he'd first arrived, Kazahaya had been shy and scared but then he'd changed into a funny, happy person to be around. And just recently he'd changed again and became sad and withdrawn because of their carelessness.

Nothing was the same – they weren't the same without him. They wanted Kazahaya back. Even Rikuo despite his words, wanted Kazahaya back but it was difficult to find the will to move because of the mistakes they'd made and with each second they sat still, the one they wanted got further and further away…