Hello!
Long time no see...? *is sorry*
Well, let's get on with the show. Poor Severus is feeling rather sore and sorry for himself, and a great deal of guilt over what happened to poor Sarah. But let's see if he can put things in perspective now he's had time to digest the initial shock.
And let's also find out how Sarah is coping and see if we can't pry out of her a little more of her story...
Enjoy! And please share your opinions and comments...
Chapter 8 – Not Your Fault
A further twenty minutes went by before someone found him, sitting and leaning a shoulder heavily against the cold, stone wall in the darkened corridor. He still only wore the infirmary pyjama pants and the thick bandages around his torso; and he was shaking mildly from cool air and cold stone.
Albus crouched down to his level and clasped him gently by his bare shoulder.
"Severus… come back to where you can be cared for; you're still not well, my boy. What happened was not your fault… no-one blames you," he assured the injured man.
Severus looked up at his employer. "I blame me," Severus corrected, but he appeared slightly dazed to the Headmaster.
"It was nothing more than a tragic accident… you did nothing purposeful to cause it; you cannot blame yourself," Dumbledore insisted more forcefully. "And you will see this when you are feeling better and thinking more clearly," he added firmly.
"But you don't understand… a child, a baby… I never wanted…"
"Oh, but I do understand, Severus. I do," Dumbledore interrupted with conviction. "You're struggling with your part in this tragedy, and you have come to the erroneous conclusion that the death of Sarah's child was down to you… and that somehow it has marked you inside… marked your character, further tainted your essence." The Headmaster sighed lightly and shuffled slightly closer to the troubled man, sliding his hand from Severus' shoulder to lie flat across his chest above his heart.
"But you see, the earlier damage you perceive to your soul…" the Headmaster continued with a light pat to the younger man's chest, "… well, I won't pretend you have committed no sin, but the damage… well, it's not nearly as severe as you might have imagined. You see, despite your faults, Severus, your spirit is light, chivalrous and charitable in nature and I shall explain how I can be so sure of this; for if it was even half as sinister as you believe you could not possibly feel the amount of sorrow or devastation as you obviously do now… it just wouldn't be in you."
Severus' eyes shot up to the Headmaster's, trying hard to determine whether the old man was sprouting bollocks designed merely to placate him, or not.
After several moments not being able to find fault with the logic he finally lowered his chin, feeling quite stricken with the Headmaster's quite complimentary and reassuring suggestion.
Albus let a small, satisfied smile stretch his lips. "You take too much to heart, my boy; and I suspect you always have and always will."
Severus snorted softly in dismissal, but this did not mean he had not internalised the old man's words… however his self-doubt lingered and had led him to make the show of brushing the idea aside.
"I know you feel much more deeply than you let on to most, Severus… trust that your heart is bearing the truth of who you are," Albus added at the dark man's subtle refute.
After a short pause the recovering wizard gasped out a sharp breath and dipped his head lower.
"I don't feel well," Severus simply stated, swallowing thickly. He did indeed feel quite poorly, though it was the lack of knowing how to further respond to the compassionate encouragement that made him make the innocuous statement instead.
Dumbledore smirked in amusement, returning his hand to the younger man's shoulder. "No… I don't imagine you do. You did not take all your medicine before you stormed off, so Poppy informed me, and nor did she have the opportunity to finish her examination. I have to say I can tell from just looking at you that Poppy would find something to treat. At any rate, sitting on a cold, stone floor barely dressed will not be helping your recovery. Let me help you up."
After a heavy sigh Severus nodded his agreement and after a small struggle the dark man was standing shakily beside his employer. Dumbledore promptly assisted him back to the infirmary and into his bed; where an awkward and embarrassing number of witnesses quickly dispersed at the dark man's pointed glare.
Madam Pomfrey swiftly concluded the remainder of her examination and ensured he swallowed the doses of potions she had measured for him earlier, plus a Fever Reducer after clicking her tongue with consternation immediately following her check of his temperature.
However, Severus refused to let her put him into another induced sleep; to be rendered that vulnerable after his recently discovered betrayal of the Death Eaters made him exceedingly nervous. Instead, after Madam Pomfrey had concluded her fussing, Severus lay propped comfortably on pillows resting his eyes and waiting for Dumbledore's inevitable interview to determine just how the spy's loyalties had been exposed.
He opened his eyes and turned his head when he heard someone sit in the chair beside his bed.
"I remember now that you did try to inform me of Sarah's worsening condition, Severus," Dumbledore was explaining, "though it pains me to admit I did not fully understand your warning. And Sarah herself, I believe, was caught up in her concern for you at the time. You were, after all, in quite a bad way."
Apart from shifting his glance from Dumbledore's aged face and in the direction of Sarah's bed beyond the curtain Severus did not respond. He would probably continue to struggle over his feelings about the tragedy of the previous evening for quite some time despite Albus' words of wisdom. And whilst he remained feeling low physically no doubt his conscience would continue to find itself a convenient and easy target.
Consequently, he no longer wanted to talk about this; the topic was causing his anguish to resurface, so he skilfully redirected the subject.
"Where is the boy?" he asked, genuinely curious and at least temperately concerned.
"Safe. He's asleep in my office. No need for concern," Dumbledore offered, pacifyingly.
Severus nodded, relieved and adequately reassured.
"Sarah had the potion on her; though of course it was incomplete… I trust you retrieved it?" he added, wanting to be sure his obligations for now had been met.
Recognising the rebuff of the initial line of conversation Dumbledore smiled gently and acquiesced. "Yes, I have it," he confirmed, "we'll go through it together in the next few days."
Severus nodded, agreeing to the proposal. Other than that he did not further the discussion.
"So, what happened… what went wrong?" Albus asked, deciding it was time to get into this issue more directly.
Severus huffed out a sigh. "The formula was getting dangerously close to what I perceived to be viable and I was worried I might not have an opportunity to warn the Order to get the boy out in time before the attack. All in all I suppose I panicked."
He glanced at the Headmaster and found him intently listening, so continued.
"I intended to leave for merely minutes; just enough time to get word to the Order to begin taking precautions, but I was barely out of the building before I assume my assistant was discovered bound and I missing."
Dumbledore was nodding in understanding. "It was perhaps a mistake not to simply make some excuse instead of restrain your assistant, then?" he suggested mildly.
Severus agreed with a nod. "Yes… with hindsight. I had hoped to give the impression of never having been absent, though," Severus defended. "I was not expecting anyone to interrupt us through the procedure; the Dark Lord himself insisted the recipe be completed without disruption. I couldn't tell you the purpose of the one who found Alecto incapacitated… even now," he admitted.
"Hmm…" Dumbledore intoned, "perhaps a message bearing an alteration to the formula?" he suggested thoughtfully.
Severus shrugged. He conceded it might have been a possibility and then continued.
"I was half-way to the Manor gates when I heard them raise the alarm. It was soon after that that I collided with Sarah; I did not see her immediately for the fog."
Dumbledore's expression became clouded with calculated suspicion. "Sarah was inside the Manor grounds? Are they not protected by a great many wards and Muggle repellents?" he asked.
"Yes," Severus confirmed with a nod, "but I'd already summoned the gates to open at that stage… she could have simply been loitering outside the drive. She claimed her car had run out of fuel," Severus explained.
"She was there by coincidence?" the older wizard queried.
"Uh… of that I am not sure," Severus confessed. "I questioned her presence of course; however we never had an opportunity to finish the conversation."
Dumbledore continued to look thoughtful. "I see,' he commented, nodding lightly.
"Er… she did say she'd been searching for someone," Severus added, recalling the information suddenly.
"Anybody we know?" Dumbledore queried, looking curious.
"I don't know… from what I remember she did not get a chance to mention a name."
After another thoughtful pause Dumbledore nodded. "Hmm… I shall direct these queries to Sarah myself then… later," he said, and then regarded Severus curiously for a few silent moments.
"And how is it you come about your injury…?"
Severus swallowed and ducked his head, embarrassment sweeping over him and colouring his cheeks.
"Again, my own ineptitude," he admitted shamefully. "I was distracted ensuring Sarah had time to escape the scene. I was caught off guard and hit with a timely curse that managed to slip between the gates before I managed to get them sealed and warded."
"Ah…" Dumbledore responded, nodding. "And yet it is but more proof of that chivalrous and charitable nature within you, my boy. Throwing yourself in front of the proverbial 'bullet' for a lady… not at all anything to feel ashamed about," he assured with a cheeky grin and a small wink from his twinkling eye.
Severus was too astounded by the older wizard's both highly inappropriate, yet largely complimentary comment to respond in any way but prevent his jaw from dropping to the floor.
"Nevertheless… it would be highly advantageous to remain whole and healthy for the duration of any future tasks… may I perhaps suggest a mite less chivalry?" the Headmaster continued to joke, chuckling softly.
Still incredulous of the old man's impertinence and seemingly flippant disregard for last evenings' trial, Severus answered stonily, "Yes… quite. I shall take it under advisement."
Aware of the young man's lack of humour for his jokes, Albus sobered himself.
"You need your rest. Is there anything else you feel I should be made aware of before I leave you to it?" he asked.
There was silence while Severus recalled and considered what he'd learned over the past several days since last speaking with Dumbledore.
"Yes, actually… an associate let slip within hearing distance that several new recruits were secretly inducted a few months ago," Severus divulged, frowning slightly. "Vincent Crabbe, the silly little idiot, was apparently among the group to take the mark!"
It was quite obvious the dark man was rather furious and frustrated, and if he was honest, quite dismayed by the boy's foolhardy decision.
Dumbledore's disappointed and saddened expression hinted at the older wizard's accordance with the Potion Master's outlook on the development. The old man sighed wearily; shaking his head.
"Why must you boys do this?" he said with soft exasperation looking at Severus, though the question was more rhetorical than to actually ask.
Also, the comment was seemingly intended to be inclusive of the dark man and his own injudicious choice as a late teen and Severus was rather stricken when he made the realisation.
Of course Severus had had his reasons – admittedly they were probably impetuous and largely driven by extreme sentiment, hurt and passion - but they'd seemed rational at the time. Not so much now, looking back. He regretted the path his life had taken… and it was times like this that he dearly wished he'd listened to Lily all those years ago.
The disillusionment and sorrow Dumbledore had evidently felt for all the students he'd lost to the evil movement over the years, Gryffindors and otherwise (as he'd been Headmaster to them all), was never so evident or made any sense to him until now… until he'd experienced it himself from the perspective of a teacher and Head of Slytherin House – because, whether he genuinely personally liked Vincent Crabbe or not, he was ultimately responsible for the boy, and Severus took that responsibility very seriously.
'As Albus must have,' he concluded.
Of course, this did not mean that Severus approved, understood or applauded every decision or dealing the old man had made concerning his students (those choices and decisions affecting Severus himself when he attended Hogwarts most especially) but he did feel the older wizard's general intent and desire had always been to keep his flock protected and their opportunities accessible. Unfortunately it just didn't always work out that way for some. Some were crushed and railroaded by the needs of the greater… and Severus' adult perspective now accepted that this small number was most likely inevitable; as wretched as that might be.
"Has the lad taken part in any Death Eater activity to date that you know of?" the Headmaster asked, looking to Severus for his response.
Severus shook his head. "I cannot say I'm afraid; I only overheard that their choice of celebration after the induction was apparently not taken well by the Dark Lord. I am under the impression the new inductees were punished, though of course I cannot be sure any of what I overheard was based in fact."
Albus nodded thoughtfully. "I see. Were you able to ascertain any details?"
The reclined man shrugged slightly. "I understand it might have been a Muggle event, though, again, I cannot necessarily rely on my source," Severus supplied apologetically, looking as though he was straining to dredge up more details about what he'd overheard from his memory.
Dumbledore nodded again but seemed to suddenly recall he was keeping his injured spy from resting. He held up a placating hand.
"Fine… its fine. Don't worry about it now, Severus. This is not urgent news, it will wait. Besides, I think it high time I leave you in peace. Rest, my boy… there will be time to look further into the matter when you are feeling better."
Severus sighed very quietly. It was certainly a relief to finally be allowed to relax and recuperate his strength. He nodded his agreement.
The old Headmaster pushed to his feet after a farewell nod and left through the curtain.
For a few moments Severus doubted his ability to get to sleep; his mind still roving over the information he'd imparted, but soon he decided his wrung out body and mind greatly required the respite.
Whilst determinedly refusing to let his mind wander over the events of the past evening, Severus relaxed his muscles one by one until his whole body was heavy and tranquil. Within minutes Severus' eyelids had also lost the battle with gravity and he drifted into a much needed state of sleep.
..
Sarah sat stiffly on the end of her hospital bed after the Matron left and she listened to the soft shuffle of footsteps as they left the ward.
The Medi-witch had told Sarah that magical healing was usually much quicker and efficient than 'Muggle' methods and had explained all Sarah had needed to understand about her treatment since the miscarriage.
It surprised Sarah to hear that she was practically back to normal; her womb having returned to its regular size and condition, and all internal tears in the lining of her uterus caused by the collision almost fully healed. Madam Pomfrey had then gone on to assure her that within only a day or two she would be free to have intercourse whenever she felt comfortable and to keep in mind that she was already fertile and could become pregnant if she did not take measures to prevent it. She also reassured her that it was physically safe to do so if she chose to conceive again immediately; though she did recommend that she wait at least a month or two so she might be better able to come to terms with her loss emotionally.
Just talking about the baby had sparked a swell of sadness, guilt and even a sense of inanity for the previous three or four weeks in Sarah. She'd been generally consumed with the idea of locating the man who had made her pregnant ever since discovering her pregnancy at nine weeks along and then, after much deliberation, deciding to keep the baby. But it had taken four weeks to research potential areas to search that matched what she remembered of what the man had described during his seduction, and then to organise the time to take leave from her job to travel there.
She'd gone over in her head just what she wanted to say to the man; to assure him that all she wanted was to make him aware that there 'was' a baby, and if he wanted involvement she would accommodate him. Sarah had no unrealistic expectations (nor even a desire) for a relationship - she had been all too aware of the intended nature of the fleeting union after their encounter, and had hardly expected the man ('boy') to be able to provide financially for the child – for although she wasn't positive of his age she discerned he was quite a bit younger than her.
No, he was hardly good father material, but it was the principle of the thing though… young, irresponsible men wouldn't always necessarily remain young, irresponsible men and all expectant fathers should be made aware if there was a child on the way so they might make a choice whether to be present in the child's life, as she herself had. It was just the right thing to do, wasn't it?
But now it felt as though it was all for nothing; and in a way it was the search itself that had led to the end of the pregnancy. It was nobody's fault; Sarah knew that… it just was…
It was just sad.
Her hand was resting on her now flatter tummy. She'd barely realised how much her waist had thickened until it suddenly wasn't anymore. Not that she was a super thin woman to begin with, but still it had been a change caused by the pregnancy and it had now vanished along with the child.
She sighed glumly, wondering just how long she would feel like this.
Sarah glanced up the length of the bed to her pillow. Madam Pomfrey had wanted her to rest at least for the remainder of the day before she would look into organising someone to take her home at some point tomorrow. She supposed she would comply… at least if she were asleep she wouldn't dwell on her situation.
The young woman crawled up the bed and slipped under the covers.
She lay with her eyes open, wide awake for several minutes now contemplating the man – wizard – she had become caught up with last night that had led to her own disaster.
He still wasn't well.
When he'd stormed off after being woken early this afternoon, Sarah had felt quite taken aback. When he'd stared at her through the gap in the curtain he'd seemed so devastated, yet angry at the same time and she hadn't really understood the reason for either emotion. Not that she had made out what the commotion had been about to begin with, she supposed.
The much older, grandfatherly wizard, Dumbledore, had quickly been summoned by the worried Matron (and he'd come accompanied by the one known as Mad-eye and the pink-haired woman) and they had all gone in search of Severus; and it had felt like nearly an hour before Mad-eye, Tonks, the two men who must have arrived back from the house in Surrey and Madam Pomfrey had congregated ahead of the old wizard who came shortly after supporting the very pale, shaking dark man and helped him back into his bed.
She'd watched quite surreptitiously from the crack in her own curtain and had almost sniggered out loud when Severus had glared at the waiting audience and they had rather awkwardly turned away and dispersed.
Behind the privacy screen Severus had most likely received more, much needed medical attention from the Matron and then Dumbledore had slipped into the curtained cubicle after the nurse's retreat and had not exited for over half an hour.
Sarah burned to be included in their conference, but had to settle for the Matron's little talk instead.
She'd wanted to talk to Severus, to ask how he was feeling; but she also was a little intimidated because of his strange behaviour. The setting and the magic, although she'd come to terms with its existence, made her nervous too. So when Dumbledore had finally left she'd not found the courage to approach the injured wizard's bed.
Sleep, instead, now offered her another excuse to postpone the interaction, and she soon snuggled down into the bedding and drifted into slumber.
.
"Miss Evans?" called a very soft, male voice from a few feet away. Had Sarah not been coincidentally surfacing from a deep sleep it was unlikely the call would have woken her.
Sarah blinked and opened her eyes.
"Yes?" she returned quietly, a little startled.
"Oh, forgive me," Dumbledore answered, "I only wished to have a quick word. I did not mean to wake you had you been asleep."
"No… no it's okay, please," Sarah replied, propping herself up on an elbow and offering a nearby seat to the aged wizard.
"Do not get up," Dumbledore insisted, taking the seat and waving Sarah back down to her pillow. "I'll only take a moment."
Sarah nodded and lowered herself compliantly.
"First let me express my deepest sympathies, my dear. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I feel I am somewhat to blame for not heeding Severus' warning… and for that I am infinitely apologetic."
Sarah was greatly touched, but she could not allow him to take any blame. "Please don't," she said, "Madam Pomfrey has told me that it was likely that had I arrived even up to an hour earlier that she still might not have been able to help. It wasn't your fault at all… it wasn't anyone's fault."
Albus smiled a little sadly at Sarah and nodded. "Still… I only wish there had been something we could have done."
Sarah nodded too. "Thank you," she said, ultimately grateful for the fact that they had tried. Sarah looked up in the direction of Severus' hospital bed.
"Is he okay?" she asked, feeling slightly cowardly for not inquiring with the man himself.
Dumbledore followed her gaze a moment. "Severus? Oh yes, he shall recover," he said, nodding gently. "I'm sure it was quite lucky that you were there to assist him, for Madam Pomfrey tells me he was quite poorly when we finally got him here."
Sarah frowned lightly and huffed out a short breath, realising for the first time that had it actually not been for her the man in the bed across the room might not have been injured to start with.
A tangle of thoughts and memories occupied her attention, recapping in her mind how Severus had waited and prompted with increasing aggravation and frustration for Sarah to get into her car and go. But she'd not understood clearly whether she was supposed to go without him, or if he was coming with her; and she'd stood there and argued until it was too late.
Taking into account the collision, the hurried explanations, and the arguing back and forth, Sarah believed she might have delayed him for up to two whole minutes.
And knowing what she knew now, it was clear he was simply intending to Apparate himself once he'd exited the gate and commanded it to close, and frankly he very nearly had done so (when Sarah had not just done what he'd told her), intending (or at least threatening) to leave her there to her own fate; but that's when disaster had struck.
And that meant that had Sarah not hindered and distracted him, he would have disappeared well before the streak of damaging light had ever been cast.
So that was her fault! The notion dismayed her; especially as it took until things were calmed down before she realised it.
Sarah decided there and then that she needed to apologise immediately to Severus directly. And try to explain that she wasn't just an argumentative bimbo, as she certainly appeared during those moments, but had just not understood what had been expected of her.
"Miss Evans?" Dumbledore prodded worriedly.
Sarah looked up at the kindly old man. "I don't think he was lucky I was there. I think it was my fault he was hurt to begin with. I didn't completely understand what he wanted me to do… and I argued with him," she admitted with shame.
Dumbledore looked astounded, and even a mite amused.
"You argued?" he queried, almost smirking. Sarah's frown deepened slightly. "Well, I'm sure Severus bears no grudge. He did not intimate to me any hint that you might be to blame, feel assured."
"Oh?" Sarah uttered, a little surprised. "I thought he might be angry with me."
This time it was Dumbledore's turn to frown with consternation. "Why ever would you think that?" he asked, perplexed.
Sarah began to feel a little self-conscious; as though she was about to admit to spying on something she shouldn't have been.
"He seemed a little angry before… when he left by himself. Upset and angry… well, at me, I suppose," she answered.
Dumbledore appeared thoughtful for a moment before he responded. "Ah… Severus is upset, though not with you, but with himself. Upon hearing your sad news when he first awakened he was quite shaken and took responsibility for your tragedy onto his own shoulders. He was rather distraught."
Sarah understood immediately and felt rather bad for the dark man. "Oh… it's not his fault. It was just an accident," she assured the old wizard in front of her. "I don't blame him."
"I am pleased to hear that… I've already had a word with him," Dumbledore explained. "I hope when he is feeling stronger he may see things a little differently."
Sarah looked saddened. "I'll talk to him," she offered.
"Thank you, Ms Evans, that might help," Dumbledore replied, nodding his approval.
"Now, I do have another reason to intrude on your rest. You see, it has rather perplexed me how and why you were within the Manor grounds where you first met Severus to begin with."
Sarah, knowing what she'd be likely required to reveal, felt herself blush. "It's a bit of a long story," she began, and Dumbledore nodded his understanding, encouraging her to continue.
"Well, I went to a work function a couple of months ago, I work in publicity for a fashion house, and, I am rather embarrassed to admit, that's the night I became pregnant," Sarah admitted.
Dumbledore looked slightly puzzled.
"It was a one night stand," she clarified for him.
"Ah," he responded, sympathetically.
"It's not something I normally do. I still can't believe that I did it in the first place," she felt the need to defend herself.
The old man nodded acceptingly, mollifying and putting Sarah more at ease.
"When I found out I had conceived I wanted to tell him, but, well, I only had a few clues to go by to find him. That night I had all but given up searching when my car ran out of fuel right outside the gates of that estate. Oddly enough the gates resembled the closest to what I had been told by the baby's father about his home – I thought maybe I'd finally found the right place. Then the gates opened up and I decided to go in to ask for help with my car whether or not it was the right place or not. That's when Severus and I collided."
Dumbledore looked quite perturbed at Sarah's tale and regarded her quite piercingly with his deep blue eyes.
"Did this man provide you with his name?" he asked intently.
Sarah nodded, recognizing the sudden tension and welling with apprehension herself. "Yes… Vincent Malfoy."
Abruptly the curtains at the foot of the bed were thrown open aggressively, startling Sarah and revealing the dark man, who'd evidently been eavesdropping, standing rigid; glaring with an astonished and penetrating gaze.