Chapter Five: There is no Triangle.
After collecting my thoughts, I went to Cory's classroom and after I sat him down, I brought him up-to-date with everything that had happened; I hadn't done so in a while and thought there was no better time. He obviously, as it was expected, didn't take it well, but after a nice long chat and a lot of explaining on my part, I was able to calm him down and keep him out of it. I couldn't have him stepping in and trying to help only to do more harm than good. After my chat with Cory I returned to my classroom where I decided to make some changes; I decided that along with group sessions; I would now see each of them individually. I found it easier to work one and one, which made me wonder why I hadn't been doing it from the beginning? The following Monday, I sat in my classroom; in my chair, with Riley seated on a chair in front of my desk.
"You made a big decision the other day, right here in this room" I reminded her,
"The right decision" Riley stated,
"By whose standards?"
"By mine, my friends can be happy now"
"Oh yes, I'm sure they are."
"If you going to try and convince me to go back on my decision…"
"Oh no, I'm just trying to figure out why you made it."
"Like I said: it was the right decision, they can be happy now"
"You've basically pulled the pin from the grenade, thrown them the pin and done a runner with the grenade."
"Yes,"
"So that they can be happy?"
"Yes"
"Okay, but what about your happiness? At the moment you're struggling with depression and trying to figure out who you are. In your position you should be surrounded by your friends, not walking away from them."
"I'm not happy Murray that's the point. They weren't happy, and if Lucas ever made a decision someone would have been hurt, that would have been the end of us. This way they get to stay together and be happy, while I walk away with the damage and hurt from the choice made, but it's okay because I'm already as damaged as I can be." Riley explained justifying her reasoning behind her decision, I looked down at my notes for a moment and gathered my thoughts,
"And what if you didn't run far enough?" I asked looked up from my notes,
"What do you mean?" Riley asked, giving me a confused look.
"The grenade, what if you didn't run far enough with it?"
"But I did, I've seen them around school since I made the decision, they're happy and smiling. Lucas and Maya are dating from the looks of it, they're all hanging out and things seemed to have gone back to normal."
"You and I both know how easy it is to wear a smile Riley, they aren't happy because one of their best friends is going through one of the toughest and lowest parts of her life thus far and they don't know what to do, they want to help her but she won't let them. As for Lucas and Maya just because they hold hands doesn't mean that they're happily together. You and he held hands once, were the pair of you happy?"
"No we weren't, but I wouldn't know, I don't talk to them anymore."
"Which raises a good question, will you go back to them when you're through all of this?"
"I don't know,"
"Why not?"
"Because when we, when I figure who the new me is, it might be too late, I might not fit in with them anymore."
"Fair enough, but you said 'the new me' okay, so, I just want to focus on that part for now. Because now that sometime has passed since we discovered this was going on, we've had time to think. And I think the reason why you're having this identity crisis isn't necessarily due to, not knowing who you are, or were, but perhaps because part of the purpose of being the old you wasn't there anymore. What I mean is that: you were who you were because of and for Maya, and now that she has become everything you were being for her, it has taken away the purpose of you, which has led you to not know who you are, do you understand?"
"Yeah, but again I'm not changing my mind"
"No, no, no, no. Okay I'm, I'm focusing on your identity, what I'm trying to do is lessen the level of the crisis. Because what I think, well you kind of proved this too me the other day, when you made that decision, and walked away from your friends, and what you showed me was that perhaps part of the old Riley is part of you still, and will be apart of the new Riley. Not for or because of Maya but, because that is who you are at your core and it will be part of who you are always. The part of you, that I'm referring too, is, is the part that always wants to help your friends, and others, but that is willing to do what's best for your friends and their happiness, no matter the cost to yourself and your own happiness. Then again, seeing them happy made you happy, am I wrong?" I continued and as I finished I tilted my head to the right a little while Riley lowered hers,
"No, you're not" she depressingly whispered.
"Now look, I don't want to upset you or cause you further distress, and I don't know if I've said this to you before or not, but it's dangerous when someone doesn't know who they are. So what I want to do is to give you some sort of identity, or part of an identity to hold onto, no matter how big or small it may be. I want to use this as a base or, foundation for us to work from and build upon as we work together to help you construct and find your new self and identity. Now do you understand what I'm trying to get at? I know that I've said a lot, but it's so that we are both on the same page."
"Yeah, I understand." Riley insisted just as the bell rang,
"Okay well we will end it there for today, but before you go because I'm aware that you are currently struggling with depression I have to ask you, if since the last time we've talked have you had any suicidal thoughts, or thought about doing harm to yourself?" I asked, my tone gentle and cautious.
"No" Riley said sternly, though I could still see the sadness in her eyes. She stood up, and picked up her bag. We said farewell to one another before she quietly walked out of the classroom. I looked down at my notes, tapping my pen on the edge of the page,
"Well, I guess I can say that small progress has been made today, which is good." I whispered. I sat in silence waiting, and after roughly ten minutes Isaiah, Farkle walked into the classroom followed by Lucas and Maya who were holding hands. They went to their seats and sat down after greetings me as they passed my desk.
"How are things with Riley going Murray?" Farkle asked,
"Progress is slow, but progress is progress nonetheless." I answered; out of the corner of my eye I could see Maya's unsatisfied expression. "Something the matter Maya?" I inquired looking over at her,
"It's been a week, a week and all you can say is that progress is slow!" Maya said clearly upset.
"It's delicate work Maya…"
"I don't care, I want my best friend back and slow progress isn't helping"
"I don't understand why you're all of a sudden so angry" I stated Lucas chuckled. Maya turned and gave him an evil glare, "is something funny Lucas?" I asked intrigued,
"I'm sorry Murray, it's just Maya's new found anger is funny" Lucas explained.
"New found anger?" I asked,
"Here we go again" Isaiah insisted rolling his eyes.
"New anger, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Maya asked angrily,
"You know exactly what I mean!" Lucas stated slightly raising his tone. I raised my hand,
"Murray doesn't know, could someone tell Murray please?" I fearfully asked,
"Maya is conflicted because this crisis with Riley has brought herself and Josh closer together" Lucas summed up,
"Josh has nothing to do with this, like I said I just want my best friend back,!" Maya argued, while I sat up in my chair intrigued by the name, I had heard it before but forgotten its connection so I quickly searched my notes a few pages back mouthing the name.
"Nope, I can't find it" I whispered, I looked up from my notes, "I'm sorry the name rings a bell but who is he again?" I asked,
"Josh, Riley's uncle, he's three years older than us. He's probably talked to Maya more in the past week than I have." Lucas answered before he and Maya erupted into an argument,
"You're just jealous!" Maya accused,
"Jealous of Josh?"
"Yeah!"
"Why would I be jealous of him, he's only interested in being friends with you, remember, three years?" Lucas argued, while something caught my attention, so much so that their argument quickly drowned out. I looked down at my book of notes and again started flicking back through the pages.
I remember the 'Where's Wally' books as a kid, and how frustrated you'd get as you searched for him. The main cause of your frustration wasn't necessarily that you couldn't find him; it was that you knew that he was right in front of your face and you couldn't see it, couldn't figure out where exactly he was. I had that frustration with me all day after that group session, the answer, something so important was right in front of me and I couldn't see it. It was driving me insane. I parked my car and was walking to the front door of my building; I arrived at the stairs leading up to the door with my keys in my hand and found Farkle and Isaiah both sitting on the stairs. They jumped up at the sight of me,
"Murray!" They both said excited to see me.
"Guys, what's going on?" I asked suspiciously
"Well today during our session you had that same look on your face, and it's been there all day." Farkle began,
"We knew you must've figured out, or were onto something and we wanted to come help if we could." Isaiah continued. I looked at them for a minute,
"Come on!" I instructed walking passed them and up to the door. The three of us walked up stairs to my apartment;
"I can see why you're so fit Murray, walking up and down those stairs a few times a day would have that affect on people" Isaiah insisted as I unlocked my door and opened it. I closed the door behind us and headed straight for the spare bedroom.
"Are you coming?" I asked turning around and looking at them both before entering the room, they were both checking out my apartment, but they quickly reacted and jogged to catch up with me. They walked into the room and were stunned into silence, slowly walking to the middle of the room and looking around at all the pieces of paper covering the walls.
"Murray what is all of this?" Farkle asked in amazement,
"Yeah, you haven't snapped and gone insane have you?" Isaiah followed up,
"No Zay I haven't gone insane. What you're looking at are all my notes on this case. After Riley's decision last week I decided that I needed to look at this in greater depth, I needed to have the information to cover every thought, theory, and angle, every possibility. So I took all the notes in my book and I rewrote them but also expanded upon them, then stuck them all to the walls under categories. Facing the back wall now if you please, you will find on our left we have the pair of you, on the back wall; we have Riley in the middle accompanied by Lucas and Maya either side of her, while over on the right wall we have notes on everyone else, ranging from Charlie Gardener to Missy, I forget her last name." I explained; Farkle looked down at a coffer table next to a chair, on the coffer table was an empty glass next to five photos, each of a different student. Farkle only recognised one of the students, he didn't know his name but he had seen him around school. It was the student who committed suicide back when they had just started the group sessions.
"Now, are you positively sure that you haven't lost it Murray, cause we could understand; you work hard and we're a handful." Isaiah insisted,
"I'm positive, and I'm positive I just solved a major part of the problem" I replied,
"How so?" Farkle asked looking back at me,
"Remember back in Middle School when Maya pretended to be Riley?"
"Oh wow" Farkle immediately said,
"What happened? I wasn't there" Isaiah reminded,
"Maya pretended to be Riley, people said that she played a good Riley, no one seemed to have noticed or missed Maya. I said something about being the best person they could be, Maya said that Riley was the best person she could be." Farkle explained, and it took a few moments but Isaiah caught up to both Farkle and I. "She wanted to be like Riley." Farkle continued.
"Riley lost her identity when the purpose of her old self was gone, but what if she had actually fulfilled it?" I asked,
"While I understand what you're getting at I still don't see how it all connects, and how it's solved a major…" Farkle began,
"There is no triangle, there never was" I interrupted, his eyes opened widely as the final connections were made. "Call Maya, tell her if she wants to help her best friend to come over immediately!" I instructed, Farkle pulled out his phone and quickly left the room.
"Should I call Lucas?" Isaiah asked looking for direction, I turned to him and looked him in the eyes.
"Was calling Lucas mentioned?" I asked,
"No" Isaiah answered,
"So no you won't be calling Lucas as he isn't needed at the moment." I continued,
"Okay then, I'll just head out there with Farkle and yeah" Isaiah insisted before leaving the room. I also went to leave the room but stopped next to the coffee table, I looked down at the photos of the five students.
"With all that I am, I won't fail them" I reminded myself before continuing on my way.
I took a gulp of vodka straight from the bottle in the liquor cabinet as Farkle and Maya walked into my apartment, closing the door behind them. I put the lid back on, placed the bottle of the shelf and closed the cabinet trying to hide the burning sensation going down my throat.
"Maya, welcome!" I warmly greeted her, while still suffering from the vodka.
"Murray nice place" Maya insisted,
"Thank you for saying that, you seem to be the only one who's noticed." I insisted, "Please sit," I continued, gesturing the dining table where Farkle and Isaiah had already sat down at. Maya walked over and sat at the head of the table, her suspicion clear as day. I walked around to the opposite end of the table and sat down.
"So how can I help Riley?" Maya asked,
"Answer all my questions truthfully," I answered,
"Okay?" she said.
"You like Josh don't you Maya?"
"What does this have to do…"
"Answer honestly Maya,"
"Yes"
"You didn't really like Lucas did you Maya, you liked the idea of him?"
"I don't know what you mean?"
"You've liked Josh for a while, but he wasn't really interested in you, the whole three years thing correct?"
"Yes,"
"Now in Middle School is it correct to say that part of you wanted to be like Riley?"
"I've always wanted to be like Riley in all honesty"
"So much so that you even liked the same boy?" I asked and Maya sat in silence as she thought it through carefully. "In my notes when I asked yourself, Lucas and Riley about your feelings you were the only one who struggled to answer."
"I, I…"
"You, you Maya, I think heard all that Riley had too say about Lucas, you saw how happy he made her and wanting to be like her you started liking the idea of him without actually getting to know him. You weren't able to connect with him on a level two people should if they're to go anywhere. You even told me that your first date with Lucas was spent mostly in silence until you poured your drink on him."
"I thought about it"
"About what?"
"My feelings, I thought they were genuine"
"You were all experiencing them for the first time Maya" I insisted, though she was looking down at the table, I could look at her and see the doubt, but even more so, the guilt. "There was never a triangle, was there Maya?" I asked softly, she looked up me with tears in her eyes, she gently shook her head,
"No" she whispered ever so faintly, "so I tell him to go to Riley, I get Riley but loose both Lucas and Josh?" Maya asked a little louder.
"No, Lucas goes to Riley and he brings her back to us. Together we help her, you get your best friend back, your group back, and as for Josh don't do anything because by the time Riley is fixed, you two will have gotten to know one another quiet well, and you'll have connected with one another. He'll realise it and then, well you'll have to wait and see. Because its only when two people have connected with one another do their feelings towards each other trump things like three years apart." I explained giving her a warm smile to try and lift her spirits.
"And what if this is messed up like our previous attempt, you all remember, the whole what we like about Riley intervention we planned?" Isaiah asked, I slowly turned my head in his direction, in a haunting, terrifying manner.
"Why do you not process what you're about to say before you say?" I asked through my teeth, Isaiah now in fear of me was slow to respond,
"Yeah, bad timing I do agree Murray Sir, I will keep my mouth shut because nothing is going to go wrong, from this point out its all going to be alright." Isaiah insisted sliding down his chair in an attempt to retreat and hide,
"Don't worry. It will be" Maya insisted, Farkle, Isaiah and I all looked down at her, the tears had been wiped away and there was a determined, fearsome look in her eyes. "We are going to get Riley back, fix her, fix everything. We're going to get things to the way they're supposed to be." Maya paused for a moment; she pulled a necklace out from under her t-shirt revealing what had been hanging over her heart. Two friendship rings, "and when they are, I'm going to give my best friend her ring back and together we will put them back on and never take them off, no matter what!" Maya proclaimed. It was then I saw it, I saw the hope, and belief, I saw all that Riley had installed in Maya. I wasn't the only one, Farkle had a single tear run out of the corner of his eye and down his cheek, and he stood up, walking over to Maya, the two tightly and warmly embraced.
"Okay, let me get in on this" Isaiah brightly smiling insisted, getting up out of his seat and jogging over to join them. How could I ever think I'd fail them, when they would never fail each other? A lesson of life, many people will come and go in your life trust me. Some of them good, some of them bad, and some in the middle and sometimes those rare few people come into your life that no matter what happens they will always be there. It's those people you want to hang onto, because they're going to change your life for the better. There is no love triangle, actually there isn't a triangle at all; no, but there is a circle, a circle of friends who for a short time have been broken and separated but here, now, in this moment the circle is coming back together. It's healing, and it's already so very beautiful. I won't waste time trying to imagine what it will look like once it's all back together again, because that is a wonder, a rarity only fit for the eyes. And I can't wait to see it.
You know what…
I'm glad I got to meet these kids.