Hear Me Lord

Death… What's after it? What happens after we lose our life? Do we go somewhere? Heaven? Hell? Or maybe just in a wooden box and that's it? I've been pondering such things these past couple of days. Dude! What if it had been me? What if had been someone else? Would things have turned out differently? Would they had been just the same? It's been about a week, but one thing still continues to linger in my mind. What if it had been me?

I remember where I was when I heard the news. I don't think I'll EVER forget where I was. It's one of those things that gets seared in your mind when something tragic happens. Ask anybody who was alive when that one president dude was shot in his car back in the sixties. They can tell you where they where when he died… Anyway, I was watching Terrance and Phillip when I got the disturbing news. At first…I thought it was Kenny who had died and left us to join the invisible choir. My jaw dropped and my hands started to shake. "Jesus fucking Christ…" were the only words I was able to get out over the phone. It was a shock, dude. Probably the worst shock I'd ever experienced so far in my life. Why? Why him? Why like that? It should have been me.

I don't really remember what happened after I broke down and cried. I just know that somehow I ended up in my bed. I stared at the white stucco ceiling, glassy eyed. My pillows were soaked with tears. I didn't understand it. I had just talked to him THE DAY BEFORE. He had said that he was fine. I knew from the look on his face that he had been troubled about something, but…he lied to me. That bastard! He lied right to my face! Why, dude? Why did it have to be him? It wasn't his freakin' time! I'm the one who has health problems, especially with what happened to him! It should have been me!

I rolled over and buried my face into my already soaking wet pillow. None of this made any sense. It just didn't make any sense. It was almost like he knew. Maybe he did know and didn't want anyone to worry. Or…maybe he wanted to surprise us and see the looks on our faces afterwards. Well, I hope you're fucking happy, asshole. You lied right to our faces and now we're all crying. Jesus Christ. Why…? Why didn't you just tell us the truth?

Who's to say anyone would have believed him?

I swatted my conscience away, sat up, and hugged my pillow. Nah. He couldn't have done it to shock us. That's not like him. I sighed. Not like him at all. I wiped tears from my eyes with a gloved hand and sniffled. Going to school without him…is going to be rough. And not just on me, either. We're ALL going to take it hard. Time does heal things like this, but it's still too fresh. We were all too close. I just…I can't believe he's gone. This… This just has to be joke.

I closed my eyes as more tears fought to free themselves from my eyes. "God dammit! No! No more crying!" I screamed at myself, but it wasn't any use. I thought to myself that maybe perhaps praying would help. It's been awhile since I talked to God, but… Maybe it would help me cope. I wiped my eyes yet again, bowed my head, and clasped my hands together.

"Forgive me, Lord, please, for all those years I ignored you. Forgive them, Lord, those who feel they can't afford you. Help me, Lord, please, to rise above this dealing. Help me, Lord, please, to love you with more feeling."

"Oh, won't you hear me, Lord? Help me, Lord, please, to rise above this feeling. Help me, Lord, please, to burn out this desire. Oh, won't you please, please, hear me?"

"Amen."

The wake was going to be tomorrow. I…I don't know if I can go. I don't know if I'll be able to handle seeing him lying in a box looking peaceful. Jesus… What if that was me…? What would they all do? Would they be afraid of seeing me? Would they be afraid of seeing me in a box? Would they point and laugh at me? "Ha ha! He's dead! Finally, that bastard's dead!" God… I shouldn't think about it, but I just can't stop! My mind's going a mile a minute!

I finally fell asleep that night after tossing and turning. It wasn't a restful sleep either. I kept dreaming that he was still alive and that we were a foursome again. I knew it was a dream though. And that's what made it sad.

"Hey, dudes!"

"Oh, look! It's the Jew! What's up, Jew?"

"Dude! Don't make fun of Kyle, fat ass!"

"Up yours, hippie lover!"

"Dude!"

"Hey, I'd fuck Wendy. She's got a nice tight ass!"

"Dude! Kenny! She's my girlfriend!"

"Stan, you mean 'ex-girlfriend'."

"Dammit, Kyle… Don't remind me…"

I ended up not going to the funeral or anything. I stayed home. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't face him. I couldn't face seeing all my friends and their families in tears. Or maybe I was just too afraid that I'd see myself lying in that casket. My phone rang several times during those few days and a few afterward, but I knew who it was. I knew who was calling me.

I…didn't want to talk to him.

I finally broke down and went to see him at the cemetery. "Sleep well, little child, for the Lord holds thee now," is what the epitaph on his grave marker read. As soon as I saw it I burst into tears. He was too young to be taken from us, god dammit!

"Cartman?"

I was startled by the voice, but not totally unnerved. I wasn't expecting him to be here when I was, but I knew that he came every now and then. There were a few times I thought about joining him, but…I wasn't sure how he'd react. Or maybe I was just scared again.

"How you holding up, dude?" came a concerned question.

I wanted to lie, lie right to his face, but I couldn't. "Nah-not well…" was my shaky reply. "It shouldn't've been him! It shouldn't've been him!" I started bawling my friggin' eyes out again and wailed loudly. "God dammit, Stan! It should've been ME!"

Stan hugged me and shed tears along with me. "Who knew…that Kyle was hiding a heart condition from us all this time?" He paused and then choked out, "Who knew…?" I hugged my remaining friend tightly.

"It…it should've been me… I'm the one who put him through so much! I just…"

Stan put his hand on my shoulders and stared me right in the eyes. "Cartman", he began as the tears fell from his cheeks, "you may have been an asshole to us in the past, but I'm sure Kyle forgives you."

"But…but what if it had been me?"

"Don't think about it, dude."

"But…"

"Dude! Don't think about it. Kyle wouldn't want us to worry. He'd want us to accept what had happened, carry the burden as best we can, and move on." The tears were streaming steadily down Stan's face, but he somehow managed to keep his voice steady. I sniffled and stared back at him, my tears blurring up my vision. "I did a lot of thinking and I learned something today, dude. Time may have stopped for Kyle, but it hasn't stopped for us. We're still alive, dude. We'll go back to our daily routine like we always have done and always will do until the day that time stops for us." He was right. God dammit… I hate it when he's right. "And there's nothing we can do about it."

"But…I didn't get to say goodbye," I said as an excuse to justify my tears.

"Then say goodbye, Cartman." He tearfully smiled at me and gestured to the smooth marbled stone. I followed his hand and stared at the stone that marked where my friend's body now laid under the frozen soil. I read the epitaph again and nearly lost myself in tears again.

"Kyle…" my voice cracked, "I'm sorry…for everything, dude. I…didn't mean to drive you to this. I…"

"Cartman…"

"I'll try to remember all the good times we had in the past. I'll try to treasure all the good memories we might have together." When Stan started to break down beside me, I, too, started to lose my composure. "Suh-someday we'll buh-be reunited in Heaven and we'll carry on like we used to…" I buried my face in Stan's shoulder to let my tears and emotions out, unbarred.

"Kuh-c'mon, Cartman," sniffled Stan as he patted my back, "Let's guh-go home…"

I pulled away, wiped my tears, and nodded. I whispered, "Goodbye, Jew."

As the two of us walked away, our minds lost in our own thoughts of our fallen friend, I could have sworn I heard a small voice within the wind. And to this day I still swear it said to me, "I forgive you…Cartman."

[FIN]