Chapter 23: In cages

"Be easy on me, I have a test tomorrow." Brian warned, while Jeff filled the plastic cups with more beer than what it seemed convenient, and then placed them in a triangle figure. "I gotta be up at six."

"You'll be up at five thirty, for a coffee and a cold shower." Jeff assured with a wink. He was playing to arranging the party, by insisting everyone to play the silly games he wanted and pretending to be DJ by messing with every music album that Jim and Joe owned. "Want the first round?" He asked to Darren as he walked past him to grab a bottle of Dr. Lemon.

"It's too early and I'm too good at this game," Darren explained, shaking his head. "Count with me for about one hour and a half later."

Jeff rolled his eyes in disregard, but accepted the condition.

"There's an early allegedly birthday party for me next week." Lauren said in a casual tone of voice. "Just in case you guys were planning to crush it in the middle of the night, I'd suggest you not to."

"I'm taking notes." Darren replied, taking a seat next to her. He sipped from the bottle before handing it to her, "Does that mean I am invited?"

"Well, I'm inviting you." She explained, shrugging. "I know middle aged brats, and lobster with red wine for dinner are not your favorite thing, but…"

"If there's wine, it sounds like a party to me." His hand slid to catch her fingers. He remembered that she didn't always have a good time at those soirées, and he figured he could lessen the drama a bit. "Count me in."

Lauren grinned shortly. "Okay. Are you aware that this means that you'll meet my family?"

Darren's answer was a bit delayed as he actually processed this. "I doubt I'll make a worst impression than my first." He finally commented, "it can only get better from here." He rolled his eyes before adding, "I am terrible at first impressions."

"There's certain charm in the inadequacy, I guess." Lauren raised an eyebrow. She turned her head to the left, expecting to take a look at the rest of Joe and Jim's apartment, but she blinked all of sudden and turned her head back at Darren again, like if she had seen something she'd rather not, then pressed her lips tight before whispering not too quietly, "Do they have to do that in here?"

"It seems important that they do." Darren joked, glancing with a grin at Joe and Caroline passionately making out in the other couch. He found funny that this annoyed her so much. Darren could not care less about whom most of his friends snogged. They could all snog each other if it was up to him. None of it was truly serious whatsoever. They were young and those things were meaningless. But Lauren seemed to take everything deeply personally, searching for purpose in things that had no reason to be at all.

Not long after, Jeff whistled shortly and said something like your turn, and Darren announced severely:

"My fate is calling me. Please, await for my return." He stood up heroically before heading to the table, a few steps away, where the winner of the last round, Brian, was hanging on. They defiantly gazed into each other's eyes, unintentionally revealing that they weren't near a sober state.

That wouldn't end well.

"Yeah, don't count with that so much." Lauren warned him. Then she stood up too, fixing her aqua blouse that was tucked inside of her black jeans.

She was going to ask one of the hosts about the bathroom's location, but Jim was too immersed in an animated chat with a crowd she didn't know, and Joe's mouth (and hands, and other parts of his body she didn't want to find detail on) were so concentrated on Caroline that it was impossible to have a chance to get near. So she walked towards the hall without having anyone notice, planning to find the bathroom by herself. There were three doors, she supposed one of them was the bathroom's and the other two were the guys' rooms.

She opened a random door and was able to tell at first sight that it was a bedroom, which made the most convenient option to get out and shut the door again. But her eyes widened when she spotted quickly (the peek of) a figure, which she confirmed to be, after she stuck her head inside of the room.

"Hey, what are you doing here alone?" Lauren's voice sounded foolishly soft for her liking, almost childish, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't understand or completely get to believe that Rachel was sitting there on the bed, with her arms wrapped around her legs and eyes so red that there wasn't another explanation besides a half-hour cry not long ago.

"Um… Thinking, I suppose." The girl said lowly, with a dead voice. Lauren had never heard her using such weak tone. "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for the bathroom." Lauren explained, resting her weight against the doorframe, her head slightly tilting to reach the wall.

"It's the door to the left." Rachel used the exact same tone for that reply as well, like if she was the operator at the other side of the telephone.

But instead of listening to the indications, Lauren gave two careful, thought-out steps inside of the room.

"Don't you want some company?"

Rachel first stared at her like if she wanted to murder her. Then, the tense expression vanished as she just shrugged, "Do as you like."

Though she was still a bit astonished to see her like this to know exactly how to react, Lauren wouldn't feel alright with walking away and leaving someone just like it. It was obvious she needed support, and she doubted she could get it from someone outside, too entertained and drunk to offer a steady hand.

So she closed the door and walked with steps that felt heavy until she sat down next to Rachel, without facing her, so she took a look at the inside of the room instead. She eyed a rotten The doors' poster that made her know this was Joe's room.

Lauren only realized Rachel had a bottle between her hands when she offered it to her. She grabbed it mostly to keep the other girl from keeping on drinking.

"So why aren't you outside?"

"There's lots of people outside."

Lauren looked at her. "I thought you liked noisy crowds. Don't all bikers do?"

"Not tonight." She merely replied. There was a resigned breath before a low voice announced, "I should probably just go home."

Rachel made the motion to stand up, but Lauren pulled from her knee and cried, "Wait, stay. I need at least a ten minute break from watching Caroline and Joe making out. I'm not ready to be out yet."

Rachel let out a snort that seemed more instinctive than out of will. "God, that's exactly…" Then she suddenly stopped herself and looked at Lauren like if she had said something she shouldn't have, and it was a hint impossible to ignore.

"That's exactly what?"

"Nevermind." Rachel stood up, but Lauren wouldn't call it quits so easily.

"You know, the last time you talked to me about those two, you actually gave me some pretty helpful advice. I don't want to miss out on that." She knew that it was a frail argument, but it was a start.

"It's different now." Rachel warned severely, and looked at her quite condescendingly. "You could never get it."

The judgment in the last phrase kind of got between Lauren's gut and she almost stopped insisting, but the curiosity and the stubborn need to help someone upset balanced the other side out.

"Do what you want, but I'm the most sober and sane person in this building right now. If you're gonna let it out with someone, your best shot is me. And from what it looks like, if you don't talk now, you'll end up drunk-dialing the least convenient person you should call at 3am."

Rachel seemed to discern that the amount of truth in that statement was enough before sighing and sitting down again. She swiped the bottle from her hands and drank at least ten sips straight before sighing once again, and only then she talked, much more quietly and calm than what was expected.

"Do you know that last girl Joe dated? Devin?"

Lauren didn't know much about her. She had seen her around the campus every once in a while, and Darren had mentioned her name, vaguely and briefly, a few times. "Sure, what with her?"

Rachel looked intensely troubled. "Do you know how they broke up because Joe was seeing a girl from out of town?"

Lauren frowned, "I think I remember something about it, but I'm not really sure."

"Well, that was what people said, that they broke up because Devin found out Joe was seeing someone else, but it wasn't someone from out of town. That was something that came up within the rumors." She was looking at her like if there could be a cryptic message on her eyes, but Lauren shook her head, not sure she could be understanding this correctly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there's something more than friendship between me and Joe."

Lauren felt the air was becoming strange. The words were painfully slow coming out of her mouth. Time was becoming heavier. "This is… Since –since when?"

Rachel's lips bent as she shook her head, letting her know that question had a much more complicated answer. "Since always."

"You have a boyfriend." Lauren felt stupid after saying it. Like if she could not be aware of that.

"We've always had our respective relationships, but there's still some kind of bond between us we can't cut. It's just always there." She ran a hand through her hair in a sign of distress. She was obviously not troubled about that part of the story. "It never felt so important, because I've never seen him allowing a girl to cling this much from his neck all the time. Until now. And… I never thought this would fuck me up like it's happening now."

Lauren knew she should've said something to defend her friend, but she was still too shocked for it. She still needed to tie some knots from the previous confessions before coming up with an advice.

"Then Joe's cheating on Caroline." There was a rare mix of I-told-you-so arrogance and compassion growing inside of her.

"You can't tell this to anyone." Rachel's calmness was thrown away with that warning. Lauren felt she couldn't look at her from the intensity in her eyes, and had to switch from glancing at her to the The Doors' poster. "Swear you won't tell."

Lauren doubted for a moment, but she knew she had no choice. "I swear. Your secret's safe." She assured, making a big effort to look at her eyes as she said this. "I just don't get it. Are you in love with Joe?"

Rachel frowned. "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. What makes you think that?"

"You're obviously upset because he's in a serious relationship and it's not with you." Lauren thought it was pretty logical, but apparently the girl didn't seem to think so. She shook her head repeatedly before any words came out.

"I don't know what I'm feeling, but that's not it. We never… I never wanted that. I wouldn't force that, ever. Since the start, it was clear that we'd never do that thing, and start pushing ourselves into cages… claim we own one another… We're not those people."

There were tears behind Rachel's eyes; she didn't let them fall, or seemed to struggle to not cry, but Lauren noticed. She felt depersonalized for a moment, watching a version of herself reflected in that speech.

"You can't label all of your emotions and expect them to stay that way forever." Lauren said, "You can try to control them, but you're only damaging yourself denying the truth. Trust me, I know that."

Rachel listened to her and stayed quiet for a moment, and while she shook her head and rested against the wall, Lauren knew that her mind was racing in a thousand of different directions.

"We're not those people. We can't be. Relationships…" Rachel repeated, calmly, but with a thin voice, her eyes lost at some intangible point on the opposite wall. She sighed. "We get happy to have each other the way people love birds. I love birds, you say, as you put them in cages and cut their wings."

"It doesn't have to be that way."

Rachel walked to her, suddenly so serene and calm that it almost didn't seem Lauren was the one who stayed over to comfort her. Her fingers slowly caught a lock of Lauren's brunette hair, and she circled it around a finger, then gently let it go, her hand falling on her shoulder, over the thin silk of her blouse, in what was almost a caress, but it wasn't.

"You're one of the good ones. Sometimes I think you shouldn't be here." Rachel said. Lauren looked at her, and her eyes weren't angry or defying this time, but they reflected so much pity towards her that it was a thousand times more painful. "I'm sorry."

Rachel left quickly afterwards, but the echo of that last phrase seemed to stay in the room for quite a long time. Lauren didn't move for a while, and remained there, sitting down on the bed in front of that poster. There was a strange mix of pity and affection in Rachel's words, and it wasn't the first time she sensed that coming from her. She tried to tell herself that this was due the girl's current perspective, discerning everything into black and white, but she didn't feel much more convinced.

And this situation wasn't fair for Caroline. Lauren was supposed to be her best friend. She should prioritize Caroline's wellbeing over Rachel's, whom she had known way littler and for a shorter time; but there was a promise, a relationship and –most importantly- her friend's happiness in the way. Despite everything, Caroline was living what she thought to be her moment, and knowing the truth would utterly ruin it. Whatever she did, she would be betraying both girls. There was no legitimate way to be on the right side.

Her eyes wandered through Joe's room. The door was closed. There was a pile of messy clothes in a chair in front of an opened wardrobe, and a cupboard with books, albums and photographs. She stood up and walked closer, grabbing the dusty picture frames, to take a better look. It didn't take long to spot Darren's fuzzy hair in them, along a dozen of leather jackets and Rachel's red lipstick. She placed them back in their spot and felt a sudden wave of anxiousness.

This was the perfect moment and she couldn't let it get away.

Rachel had said, on another occasion, when they had gone to Michigan's Hole's bridge, that Joe still had a collection of photos from the times he was friends with Michael, to remember what happened between him and Michael's sister. There was a place in that room when those pictures were being kept, and she needed to figure out where it was.

There was nothing suspicious near the pile of clothes. There was a tiny wooden case behind the photographs, but they had only spare money, abandoned cigarettes, and old cinema tickets. The last drawer of the wardrobe contained nothing but sockets. She rummaged through the bedside table invaded by the feeling of being an intruder, but it was in vain. Maybe Joe got rid off the pictures without telling Rachel, which put Lauren in a big mess.

Stressed, she sat on the bed again, throwing herself a bit violently, her feet accidentally kicking something metallic that slipped a bit on the floor. Curious, she bent over to figure what it was. It was a metallic box that gave the appearance of an old lunchbox. Inside of it, there was a raft of weed cigars, an outworn journal, a similarly wasted copy of The waste land, and (finally) a thin heap of photographs shrouded by a rubber band. She put the band around her wrist, and took a quick look to the first pictures. She recognized Michael's sister instantly, the similarities gave her away. The first two pictures showed only the couple, but soon after you could spot Michael and the pub. She decided to watch them carefully later, and just put the inside of her purse. It was exactly what she needed.

Rachel thought she was too soft to be there. But she didn't know her so well, whatsoever. She led herself there, and it was her own merit.

Lauren turned off the light before walking out of the room and actually going to the bathroom. And she knew, while walking through the hallway back to the party, that it made no sense to jump at the appearance of Joe, because there was nothing to be suspected of; but she did it anyway.

"Hey," Joe said. He was smiling, for some reason, and didn't seem to notice that she had been lost somewhere in his apartment for a long time. "Darren is drunk as fuck. You need to see it."

Lauren hadn't heard that level of excitement in Joe Walker's voice before.

"Really?" Lauren commented, mostly because she didn't know what else to say.

"It's a spectacle."

He walked past her, opening the bathroom's door, but a hand pushed slightly her back to hurry her out of the way. If Darren was drunk, Joe couldn't be any better himself.

She'd have found him even if she didn't want to, since it would be uncommon to ignore the guy giving a briskly argumentative display on why Brian's victory didn't really count, while gesturing excessively to the point of spilling a bit of the beer inside of his glass. Brian just laughed sincerely at the attitude of his friend, said something like go home, mate, you're embarrassing yourself and gently pulled him to the couch before he'd lose balance.

Darren threw his head backwards into the couch in an immensely exaggerated rage.

"Hey, you all right?" Lauren asked, grinning, as she sat down beside him.

"I've…" he turned his head towards her with wide eyes. "never been better."

"I can tell."

"I love the way you look tonight." The vocals in every world were sounds larger than usual, and he'd still sort of sway on his place as he talked. His hand felt a bit blundering as he failed to catch hers in the first try, but when he found it, his fingers gave a firm grip. "Maybe it's just because I hadn't seen you in forever, but I'm glad you didn't blow me off this time."

Lauren frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"I know you've been avoiding me since we came back from New York. I still can't figure out why, since –well, we gave a big step, and I thought that we… –whatever. But I'm glad you're here tonight, and I won't fuck it up by trying to get you to talk about whatever you don't wanna tell me."

She felt so suddenly miserable that not even the thunderous, catchy tune playing in the apartment could make her think of something else (Brian was now screaming to Jeff to put some real music, for fucking god's sake). She had been so caught up in the other things that were bothering her, that she allowed them to take up all the space in her mind and time. Darren had been trying to figure out what was wrong with her all this time because she wouldn't say a word, yet the only reason she accepted his invitation was to steal something from the owner of the place. Worst of all: it took his weight in alcohol to get him to say it.

"It's not your fault, I'm just…" Lauren lost a moment trying to find an excuse, before realizing that the most sincere thing to do would be nothing but an apology. "I'm sorry. It might sound hypocritical from my part, but I really did miss you."

Instead of giving an instant reply, Darren's head continued to fall to her shoulder, and then he buried his head into the curve of her neck, his hair giving her tickles she didn't mind about; it was almost a catlike caress. He kissed her neck, but it wasn't teasing, he just softly placed his lips over her skin, and said lowly:

"You know I love you, right?"

Half of her wanted to allow the feeling of comfort that Darren provided her to invade her completely, but the other half of her didn't feel like she deserved it. This was the second time Darren said he loved her, and she couldn't do more than to stroke his hair and let him to continue mumbling things that only made a bit of sense; because there are words that become alive once you let them out, and you can't control things that are alive.

Maybe Rachel had a point in her philosophy. Maybe what people called love did conditioned you into the reciprocity of feeling a certain way, and saying a certain way, and acting a certain way. Maybe it's not for everyone. But, maybe, fear was a way of conditioning yourself, too.

Lauren thought Darren was about to fall asleep, but out of nowhere, the hand that was slowly becoming loose pulled from her.

"Let's dance. I love this song." He was already up when he finished the phrase.

"Of course you would want to get up as soon as Jeff found David Bowie's album." Lauren rolled her eyes, and didn't even attempt to fight it as Dancing in the street was playing. Darren usually rolled his eyes at dancing in parties most times as well, but retro music from mid 80s was his weakness, whether sober or not.

"I'd come back from the dead if they played David Bowie."

The mix of alcohol and his favorite music put Darren from cuddly to hyperactive in a matter of seconds. The amount of effort Lauren had to put into following his rhythm, with the swift turns and complicated hand grasps implicated on it, enabled her to forget the burden of the last issues in her mind –and this with her being a skilled dancer. She thought it was a thing of time before they ended up on the floor, since Darren had seemed to be having stability problems with only standing up, but as usual, he managed to do things right when they needed to be.

John I'm only dancing was the last song she remembered dancing, before they announced almost simultaneously that they were too exhausted to go on.

Darren complained about being thirsty or something before finishing a glass of god-knows-what that was on the kitchen's counter. Lauren served two glasses of water with ice, and gave him one before he'd dehydrate. He was sort of absent to remember to thank her, and she knew she shouldn't seize it, but she did.

"Listen, I'm going home."

Darren frowned. "Why? It's still so early, don't be a buzzkill…"

"Thanks for that sweet compliment, but I'm tired, and I have things to do tomorrow. You can still have fun without me." She gave him a quick kiss, but the frown on his face didn't disappear.

It was partly because of tiredness –the night had been exhausting, after all; but it was mostly because they had fun and were on good terms at the moment, but Darren had drank too much and Lauren too little to be a good combination. He'd want her to be in a mood she couldn't even fake, and it'd only end up badly.

"Is this because of what happened at the beach, in New York? Did I do something wrong?"

Don't do this, Lauren wanted to say. Suddenly, she wished he was sober and could know when to shut up. "I already said it's not your fault. I promise I won't disappear again." The words sounded harsher than what she intended them to be, so she added quickly, in a much more playful tone, "And try not to drink much more, okay? I won't be here to put you in bed."

Lauren gave him a grin and squeezed his hand before leaving him there, glass of water still in hand, a few drops spilling slowly into the floor. She should've left earlier, perhaps.

While getting to the door, Joe winked at her and mouthed something like A fucking spectacle, right? without realizing she was walking her way out. She knew nobody was pointing any fingers at her, but her stomach was full of a rare feeling of guilt, like someone who turns their head around to avoid saying hello.

"Good luck cleaning this mess tomorrow," Caroline said, as she finished getting dressed. "I don't want to be here when that happens, so I'm leaving now."

"I feel so used." Joe joked, stretching his hand to grab a cigarette from the bedside table and lighting it.

"You'll remember to call me when you get up, right?"

Caroline ran her hands through her short, red hair in an attempt to conceal that it wasn't brushed.

"Sure."

Joe put on his underwear and almost had to drag himself to the door, because he was starting to feel he could finally get to sleep. The ginger girl was the last person to leave the house. Jim was snoring inside of his room, and the party per se had ended at least one hour and a half ago.

He'd go to the bathroom and then to sleep for a day nonstop.

A normal person would have jumped of fear when he opened his bathroom's door, but this wasn't a first for him.

"You know you don't live here, right?"

Darren grumbled something unintelligible. He was sprawled on the floor, next to the toilet, back and head resting on the cold wall. He looked pale, sick and tired, but that was no first time neither.

Joe crouched in front of him, "You okay, man?"

"Yeah, I just thought I wanted to sleep, but I also wanted to throw up, and then I figured I couldn't do both at the same time."

"Charming. Leave something for the ladies." Joe said, throwing his cigarette into the toilet. "Did you?"

Darren slowly shook his head, while the rest of his body didn't move at all, like if it was lifeless. "The nausea comes and goes, but I couldn't."

"I'll get you something." Joe stood up. "Come on, you can sleep in my room."

"I can just sleep on the couch." Darren suggested, in a brief heroic moment, that finished when he mumbled out with a weak voice, "Or I can just… stay here."

"And you get to watch me peeing, like it's a gas station? Come on." Darren stared at him without laughing, or moving at all. It took a while to get to Joe, "Oh, you can't even get up, can you?"

"I could… like in two hours."

Joe laughed, and then commented, stressed, "You know, it's just not funny if there's no one else in here to see this. Rockstar Darren Criss can't even handle his own vomit, gets carried around like a three year old. I can see the headline already."

"You're going to hell," Darren cried, although he grinned for a quick moment, while Joe helped him getting up and practically had to carry him to his bed.

"Maybe, but at least I'm still a walking, biped human being. You're a mess."

"Trust me, I know." Darren mumbled, his face already buried into the pillow and eyes almost closed.

"Does your girlfriend know you always end up like this? I don't see the princess doing all the dirty work." Joe complained, walking to his wardrobe and grabbing a spare blanket, now that he was going to have to take the couch. His tone had a tad of playfulness and other things.

Darren shook his head two times.

"You're lucky to have me," Joe said, walking to the door.

Darren sensed he was falling asleep already.

"I know."

A/N: WhateverIdon'tknowwhatI'mdoing.

It's getting hard to get the time and stability to write, so like usual, reviews and likes and all that jazz is VERY appreciated and helps me to keep going, especially now that it's a very hard time for me. I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts... Thank you!