See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers

1121 ZULU

Mackenzie Rabb Residence

ManassasVA

Lucy woke the next morning twenty minutes later than usual. She listened for the sounds of her parents making coffee and talking over the newspaper like they did every morning but heard nothing. Taking her trusty Pooh bear with her, she left her room in search of them.

AJ was sitting in the living room, in Harm's chair, a large leather chair that could easily fit the Commander and any one of the members of his family. He'd had a difficult time relaxing since the urgent phone call he'd received from Harm in the middle of the night.

Finally, around five that morning he dozed off, one ear listening for the sounds of the children waking up. He knew that the last thing Mac or Harm would want would be for their children to see that mess that was inside their parents' room. Still for all his good intentions he nearly missed Lucy's light footsteps as she left her bedroom and headed to her parents' room.

Lucy saw her Uncle AJ sleeping in her Daddy's chair. Uncle AJ never came over this early in the morning. Curious, she walked over to the sleeping ex-SEAL and climbed on his lap.

The weight on his lap woke AJ from his sleep. He smiled at the little girl that had nestled there. "Good morning, Lucy," he greeted trying to keep his voice upbeat and cheerful.

"Morning," she greeted. Then, "Where's Mommy and Daddy?"

"Um, Mommy…" he began. How did one do this? How did one tell a five year old girl that her mother was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night? That answer was simple, one did not. So what should he tell her?

DJ began to wail just then and AJ was thankful for the ability to put off answering Lucy's question until he had attended to the youngest Rabb child. "Let's go get your brother," he told the girl. "Then we can have some breakfast."

Lucy wouldn't be put off so easily. "Where's Daddy, Uncle AJ? I want Mommy and Daddy."

Lucy trailed behind the Admiral as he went to pick up DJ. "Hey, Little Sailor," the older man said lifting up the fussy boy. "Are you wet?"

"Mommy?" DJ asked looking at the familiar face. "Mommy, bye bye?"

"Yeah," AJ answered. "Let's get you cleaned up and we'll talk about that over breakfast."

Lucy shadowed every move the former Admiral made while he changed DJ's pull up and put on his little Bob the Builder robe. "How about pancakes for breakfast?" AJ offered.

Lucy nodded and followed him to the kitchen while AJ kept DJ in his arms. He set the toddler in his high chair tying on his bib so that he wouldn't get syrup all over his front. Lucy sat down in her usual place looking forlornly at her mother and father's vacant seats. AJ poured her orange juice and started the batter for the pancakes. "Mommy and Daddy had to take a little trip, Lucy," he told her. "Daddy asked me to stay with you until they get back."

"Where did they go?" Lucy asked. She knew her parents often traveled, but rarely together and never in the middle of the night.

"They went to…" he hesitated. Harm would have his hide if he told Lucy the truth. Mac's illness upset the little girl even though Mac did her best to hide it from her. A Harmon Rabb in protective father mode was not something even this ex-SEAL wanted to tangle with, so he had to think on the fly. "They went to Russia."

He had no idea where that came from. It was that Russia was a special place for Harm and Mac, no matter what dangers they had encountered while there it had been that place that had brought out the feelings that he'd seen develop that day in the White House rose garden.

Lucy's giggle brought him out of the memory, "Uncle AJ, Russia is on the other side of the world. Are you being silly?"

AJ shook his head. He'd underestimated her, but this was the offspring of two of the craftiest investigators and attorneys he'd ever had in his command. Their daughter of course would see through his ruse.

He smiled, "Yes, Lucy I'm being silly. Mommy and Daddy wanted to go and uh, have a little "adult time," AJ told her. He knew that's how Mac and Harm referred to what they did behind closed doors to encourage their children to call out or knock if they were needed in the night, this of course to avoid any unnecessary embarrassment.

"They only do that in the nighttime," Lucy said to him sipping her juice.

"Well, they left in the nighttime," AJ countered. "And they'll be back before you know it." He served her the pancakes. "Now eat up."

AJ joined the children after he set the pancake pan in the dishwater to soak. "So, what do you want to do today?" he asked. Before Lucy could answer the phone rang.

"Daddy!" Lucy exclaimed and moved to answer the phone. AJ intercepted her and lifted the receiver, "Rabb residence."

"AJ, its Harm. If the kids are with you don't say anything," he instructed.

"All right," AJ agreed. "So how are things?"

"Mac's going to be all right. They gave her some blood and have gotten the bleeding under control. She's still in a lot of pain, but I can take her home later on this morning," Harm explained.

"That sounds good," AJ said keeping his tone light, his words cryptic.

"Yeah, listen, I'm going to need a couple more favors. I'll pay you back for this," Harm said.

"Don't worry about it, whatever you need," he answered.

"First off, I'm going to need you to call Bud and Harriet and ask them to keep the kids over night. Sarah is still pretty weak and I want her to have a nice rest before she has to deal with questions from the kids," Harm informed him. "Second, we're going to need a lift home from the hospital, I didn't bring my car and I don't want to subject her to a rough cab ride."

"No problem, I can handle that," AJ replied, watching as DJ painted his high chair try with his pancake. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, on more thing. The medics put a sterile gown on her last night when the picked her up and I didn't think to bring anything for her to wear home. If you can have Lucy get dressed and get Sarah a sweatshirt and some jeans from our closet when you come, that would be great," Harm said. "How are the kids doing? Any problems?"

"Nothing I couldn't handle," AJ replied. "You have enough to think about. Let me handle the rest of this and I'll see you about 1000?"

"Make it 1100, AJ," Harm said. "And thanks again, for everything you've done."

"Don't mention it," AJ sighed. "Anything I can do. Talk to you later."

The moment AJ hung up, Lucy asked, "Was that Daddy?"

"No, that was for me," AJ fibbed. "But guess what I was thinking about?"

"What?" Lucy asked as she watched AJ take the soggy pancake from her little brother.

"That it would be a lot of fun if you and DJ went to play at Aunt Harriet's and Uncle Bud's house," AJ told her with a smile.

"Yay!" Lucy exclaimed. "I love playing with AJ."

"I know you do," AJ replied. "So let me call them up and see what time's good okay. You run along and wash up."

AJ turned to go down the hallway and into Harm and Mac's room. He had seen the room before, blood everywhere, so he tried not to look now as he went to get some clothes for Mac to wear home.

Taking a pair of sweats, a shirt, tennis shoes and some socks along with Mac's address book, he left to set about the rest of his duties, all the while keeping his eyes away from the floor near the bathroom.

As expected, Bud and Harriet were more than happy to help out with the kids, so AJ was free to tend to the rest of the duties Harm asked him to attend to. It was just after noon when AJ pulled his late model Lincoln Navigator up to the Rabb household. In his back seat, his "children" sat together, Sarah with her head resting on her husband's chest, Harm with his arms wrapped around her.

"Well, here we are," he said putting the car into park. "There's food in the cupboard, Colleen's been walked, and the children are with Bud and Harriet for the night," he told Harm.

"Harm, why aren't our children here?" she asked pulling away from him. "I want to see my children, they must be so scared," she fretted.

"Nah," the Admiral smiled. "They think you and Harm are off having," he made air quotes. "Adult time. They have no idea what happened here last night."

"Still," Mac fixed Harm with a gaze. "I want to see my kids. You should have asked me what I wanted done, you..."

"Mac," Harm cut her off. "No one cleaned up the bedroom yet and I want to make sure you have recovered the rest of your strength. Think how upset Lucy and DJ will be if you pass out on us or something. This is best." He kissed her gently. "Now let's get you inside so you can rest," he said opening the door to the vehicle. Once he was out and on the ground he moved to lift her out of the seat.

"Harm, I'm all right now, I can walk inside by myself," Mac told him. Harm had a tendency to be very overprotective especially when he considered her to be fragile, like with the poachers, with her pregnancies, when her father died, but sometimes she had to take control for herself.

"Mac, please...you were in the hospital last night," he reminded her as if he had to.

"I know, and I know you were worried about me, but I'm feeling fine, so if you'll lift me down out of this monstrosity you and I can hold hands, and walk inside together."

AJ watched the exchange with a soft smile. These two people, both polar opposites in so many ways, were as perfectly suited to each other as a hat and a glove. "If you won't need anything else from me, I'm going to go home and let these bones get some rack time," he said once Mac and Harm were standing hand in hand on their lawn.

Harm nodded, "Thank you so much for everything," he said sincerely.

"Really, AJ," Mac agreed. "We owe you more than we can repay. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't know the children were in capable hands."

"Don't mention it again, I mean it," AJ smiled. "It's the least I could do. Now, Mac you get some rest and Harm, try not to drive her crazy okay?"

"Too late," Mac laughed and waved as they watched the Admiral back out of their drive and turn down the dirt road.

Slowly, hand in hand, Harm and Mac made their way up the walkway to their house. Their walkway was long, a good twenty five feet, and in spite of the lightheadedness and pain, Mac made a good fifteen of them without faltering a step.

In spite of her training and determination not to be anymore of a burden on her husband than absolutely necessary, Mac found herself for the last few steps leaning heavily on her husband's arm. The increased pressure caused him to stop and look down at her with worry in his tired, seemingly dull blue eyes. "You okay? I can..." He was about to offer, but she cut him off. "Just put your arm around me okay. I refuse to be treated like an invalid."

He wanted to argue with her, to lift her up into his arms, carry her inside and hold her, never letting go. That was not realistically possible he knew, first because right now he was dealing the Colonel side of her personality, the one who was fiercely independent, who hated not being able to do everything and anything she wanted, and if walking into the house on her own would give her peace of mind, then he'd forfeit his own to give it to her.

He said nothing and slipped his arm around Mac's shoulders tucking her into his side. She slipped her own arm around his waist and squeezed, "When we get inside you are going to tell me what's on that mind of yours, Flyboy."

Harm didn't reply to Mac's comment. Instead he pulled her closer to his body, if that was even possible and kissed her hair. She sighed...This was not good. This was what Harm was like when he went into super protective mode, the last time he'd done this was when she had a close call during her pregnancy with DJ and was placed on six weeks bed rest. He shouldered every burden of her care and Lucy's and he still kept working. He did this for three weeks until one night she found him on the sofa, with a photograph of his father clutched tightly in his hand in tears. She never wanted to go through that again. It took a lot to break her husband, and she could tell by the rigidity of his body, and the deadness in his eyes that he was on the brink.

With Harm's assistance Mac made it inside but barely. She'd lost a good deal of blood the night before and was still bleeding, though it was under control now. She had an appointment with her doctor first thing on Monday morning. "I want you to lie down on the couch as soon as we get inside," Harm told her when they stopped at the door for him to open it. "I don't want you to do too much until we see Dr. Bradley, all right?"

"Harm, Dr. Angelli said I'm all right. If I wasn't she wouldn't have let me go," Mac reminded him.

"I know, but please," he looked down into her eyes. "Do this for me?"

She nodded solemnly and let him lead her to their large wrap around sofa. With infinite tenderness he eased her down, grimacing as he saw her wince. "I'll get you some extra pillows for your back and legs," he told her and moved to Lucy's room to retrieve his daughter's pillows. He didn't want to go into that room just yet.

Once Harm returned he came to Mac's side, and gentle eased her towards him so he could put the soft pillow behind her back. Leaning the other two he had taken against the couch he sat beside her and took her feet into his lap, in order to remove her shoes. Once that was done he put her legs up and propped on pillow under her feet and one under her knees. The blanket around her shoulders and over her knees was the final touch. "There, how's that?"

Mac's hand snaked out from under the blankets and reached out for his hand, holding on tightly. "Harm, look at me," she told him. "It's going to be okay. Okay?"

"I know," he replied leaning over her to kiss her lips gently. She snaked out her other hand and caressed his unshaven cheek, "You look so tired. Why don't you sit with me and we can hold each other for awhile?" she suggested, not because she needed his arms around her, but rather because she needed her arms around him. He was stressed, he was tired, and he needed her, whether he'd admit it or not.

Harm sighed and nodded his head. Mac slid over a bit so that he could wedge himself in behind her. A bit more wiggling he was secured behind her, his arms around her, her head against his chest, the blanket covering them both. "I love you, Harm," Mac whispered as she felt her body start to shut down.

Harm waited until he was sure Mac was in a deep sleep, then gently and slowly he worked his long body out of the niche he'd made for himself. He wanted to get the bedroom cleaned up before she saw it. Last night she was in no real condition to notice how much blood she's lost. In fact she had admitted to him that after their ill fated session of love making the whole thing was pretty hazy and he preferred it that way. He didn't want her to remember lying on the bathroom floor bleeding and shaking. He didn't want her to remember going into shock or getting her dignity stolen by a pair of well meaning medics. If she saw the blood bath in her bedroom, he feared that would happen.

Most of all he didn't want her to ever know about her pregnancy. Mac had told him how much she wanted them to conceive another child and the inability to do so and do so safely pained her. If she had known they'd done so and that she had miscarried that child, that his callousness had caused her to miscarry that child...she'd never forgive him for that. She'd forgive him his earlier indiscretion, his occasional poor manners and bad temper, she would even forgive him for Annie if he ever decided to tell her, but she would never forgive him for murdering their child in a single act of selfishness.

With one last look at Mac sleeping peacefully on the sofa Harm made his way to their bedroom. Taking a deep breath to steady his shaking hands he opened the door and surveyed the scene. At crime scenes, even bloody ones, he had the ability to leave his body, to take the part that made him Harmon Rabb and leave it somewhere else while he worked. He couldn't do that here though, try as he might.

He looked at the room from the safety of the doorway. He saw his uniform shirt and under shirt in a pile near the door. He was Mac's sweats and socks in a heap at the foot of the bed; he saw his pants a few inches away from them. He saw the bed, sheets pulled out of their tight "hospital corners" rumpled from their love making. Those things brought happy memories.

Then he saw the blood. The pretty yellow flowered sheets that Mac liked so much were stained with it and not just drops but at least a half pint. They could never use those sheets again. He moved to the bed and pulled the sheets off. The blood stain had gone through the sheet to the mattress cover. He removed that. The stain had gone through the cover as well and onto the mattress. Hopefully she'd never see that, he usually changed their sheets.

Harm refused to look at the floor until he'd dealt with the sheets. He kept breathing deeply until he had the soiled linens in the trash outback. On the way back he took a scrub brush and some ammonia to clean the blood from the floor.

Harm filled their bucket up with hot water, poured some ammonia into the water and headed back to their bedroom. He put the bucket down and picked up the clothing that littered the floor, folded it and put in to Mac's rocking chair. Then he went around to her side of the bed, pausing to open the bathroom door as he went, got down on his knees and surveyed the task in front of him.

From looking at the blood he could see every move Mac had made while he was in Lucy's room. She had slid off the bed and walked, probably pausing numerous times, given the stains were larger in some areas than in others, and walked to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom was a large puddle of blood that still had not dried near the sink where he had found her. Her white silk robe, the one she'd worn on their wedding night lay in a heap stained with red near the toilet. As he looked at the mess he felt his body start to shake, his heart crack, and his breath fail him.

The pain she must have felt, the terror at seeing this happening to her he could not imagine...If only he hadn't gone to Lucy... No, this was not Lucy's fault. She was a baby, just a little girl that had a bad dream and wanted her parents' comfort. This was his fault, and no one else's. If hadn't been so selfish in making love to her when he knew, he knew for certain that it was dangerous, that it would hurt her, Sarah wouldn't have almost bled to death. If he had only kept his hands off her she would have kept their baby, a baby she wanted so desperately to give him. There was only one person to blame here, and that person was him.

Harm tried to calm his breathing down and get the work he had to do done. He felt his stomach start to turn and rose on shaky legs, his objective to make it to the toilet before he lost the minimal amount of breakfast he'd eaten that morning.

He reached the toilet, flipping the lid out of the way as he dropped to his knees. He'd never felt as nauseous in his life as he felt in that bathroom, surrounded by the blood of his wife, blood that he caused to be shed.

He slowly pushed himself back, his head reeling. He rubbed his hands over his bristled face, his fingers through his dirty hair. He was truly a mess.

As he went to stand up, his eyes landed once more upon Mac's robe beside the toilet. Taking a deep breath, he bent down and picked it up. He loved how she looked in it, so angelic and so beautiful. It was ruined, though; far too many blood stains to ever get out.

October 1998

Harm was lying on the large king-sized bed in the Honeymoon Suite of the D.C.Plaza. Mac was in the bathroom getting "comfortable". He couldn't believe they had done this, that they had finally admitted what was there for two years. It had taken them going to the depths of Hell before they could admit their love, but finally, out of the ashes of his life, came this wonderful gift, as if, in someway his father was replaying him for his loyalty in searching.

The door to the bathroom opened and Mac stepped out. She was dressed in white from the fluffy white hair piece that held her thick hair, to delicate white heeled slippers that matched. The accessories were gravy though compared to the rest of the package.

He must have stopped breathing or at least had gotten a funny look on his face because Mac asked, "Harm, are you all right?"

"Yeah," he breathed in reply as he took in this vision in front of him. He moved under some invisible power towards her and took her into his arms crushing her to him. "You are so beautiful," he told her. "So..."

He stood back from her and surveyed her trousseau, a slim cut white night gown that dipped at the neck, exposing the tops of her breasts. Over the thin material was a robe, just as thin and just as see through, only it was lined with delicate fur as soft as her skin. He'd never seen anything more beautiful, he didn't think he ever would again.

Present

He stood up holding the ruined material and started to head for the door. This was another thing that she didn't need to see, that she shouldn't have to deal with. As he moved to exit the bathroom to dispose of the garment he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He looked awful, he had bags under his eyes, his cheeks were unshaven, but worse of all was the color of his face. He still looked robust, healthy, not dull and chalky like Sarah looked when she was lying on the floor bleeding. He'd almost lost her last night, the doctors had told him if he'd let it go much longer.

His breath was coming faster again, as he looked at the reflection in the mirror. No longer did he see a loving husband and devoted father. He saw a liar, a cheater, and worse than that. With the precious scrap of silk clutched in one hand, he unconsciously reached out and grabbed the first thing he could get a hold of, the blue and white porcelain hand cream dispenser that they'd gotten as a wedding gift. Just as unconsciously, he reared back and let it fly straight into the mirror, sending glass flying in every direction as the deafening sound filled the air. He collapsed to his knees and sobbed into the blood-stained silk robe. "What have I done to her!" he cried, into that sad scrap of robe. "God in Heaven, what have I done?"

It was the sound of shattering glass that woke Mac from her sleep. "Harm?" she called out softly, a bit dazed from her nap and the drugs still in her system.

Harm didn't respond to that soft call, so she called to him again, while maneuvering herself from the cocoon of blankets and pillows he'd made for her. "Harm!"

Still, he did not answer. Mac sighed and rose steadily albeit painfully from the couch. Harm would never not answer her when she called, especially now. The feelings that she'd been having while they road home from the hospital and while he fussed over her earlier was nagging at her. Her husband was a strong man, but even strong men...Mac bit her lip and moved a bit faster into their bedroom.

Mac approached their bedroom door which Harm had left opened. She didn't hear him and she didn't see him. "Harm?" she called again. "Harm, answer me!" Her voice was getting desperate. He had to be in here. What if he'd fallen, what if he was hurt...all kinds of terrible thoughts ran through her mind.

Harm heard his wife's voice calling to him from the outer part of their bedroom. She must have heard the glass breaking and had come to see about it. He tried to answer her in his strong, supportive husband tone, but all he managed was a weak, husky, "Mac."

Of all the thoughts that were running through Mac's head, none of them were as bad as what she saw when she entered the bathroom. She didn't even notice the trail of blood, the puddles of water, or the broken glass. All she saw was her strong husband alone in the bathroom, on his knees, clinging desperately to her trousseau robe. He was shaking and she knew the breakdown she'd feared was upon them.

Without thinking Mac dropped to her knees besides Harm. Pain shot through her back, but she ignored it. "I'm here, Sweetheart. It's all right," she whispered as she opened her arms to him. She almost laughed at how he reminded her of DJ as he crawled into their comfort. She would have if it hadn't scared her so much. "Talk to me, Harm. Let it all out and talk to me."

She held him close for a few minutes, slowly rocking back and forth, hoping it would comfort him a little. "Harm" she said softly. "Please talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Why you're falling apart like this?"

Harm took a few breaths to steady himself and answered her, "I don't..." he began then took another deep breath. "It's just...this...it's just too much. I can't do…It's too much."

"What's too much, sweetheart?" she asked him, her right hand gently rubbing his back as she spoke. "What can't you do?"

He took a breath and in a rush started apologizing. "I'm sorry...I'm so...I'm so sorry. I never wanted...I didn't know...If I just..." He bit his lip and looked up at her with red eyes. "This wouldn't have happened if I treated you like I should have," he confessed before giving way to another bout of sobbing. "I'm sorry."

The last word came out on a harsh ragged sob. He felt ridiculous crying like this, but he couldn't stop it. He buried his face in the material of her shirt and tried to hide there.

"Oh, Harm" she said, putting her cheek against the top of his head, her arms wrapped tight around him as he cried. It was killing her to see him hurting like this. "You have nothing to be sorry for - Do you hear me? Nothing." She felt herself tear up just a bit as she spoke to him, trying in vain to reassure him that the burden of guilt he'd thrown upon himself was unwarranted.

"Yes I do," he countered. "It's my fault, all my fault. . I knew the risks, and I went on and did it anyway," he told her, his voice getting a harsh edge. He was angry at himself and sick inside over it. "It's my fault you almost bled to death in this bathroom and it's my fault that our baby...I did this," he moved his hand about to exemplify his meaning. "All of it. I hurt you, I cost us the baby...I..." He couldn't continue, for his throat filled and he gave into despair once again.

She opened her mouth to speak while at the same time the words he'd just uttered hit her like a truck. She took his tear-stained, heartbroken face in her hands and forced his eyes to meet with hers. "Baby?" she said, her bottom lip quivering, her voice almost too tiny to be heard by Mac herself, let alone by him. "Baby?"

He nodded tortured blue eyes meeting sympathetic brown ones. "How did you know?" he asked not realizing he'd just told her. "I told her, I ordered her...You were not supposed to be told! You were never supposed to know!" He shouted these words, angry that not only had Mac's dream been taken by his hand, but that now she had the knowledge of it. Now, she too would have to suffer, and that's the last thing he had wanted.

Mac leaned back against the wall, closed her eyes and sobbed into her hands as her mind struggled to formulate a reply to his outburst. After a few seconds, she was able to answer his question. "You...you just said it, Harm." she said. "You said...they told you...I...I was pregnant?"

"I…I'm sorry," he said, nearly a whisper. "I didn't want you to know. That's just…you see, that's what…I can't protect you. No matter what I do I only end up hurting you. I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen. Not the disease, not the pain, not the thing with Annie, none of it. I don't…I should just leave now and spare you anymore of this," he told her in that small heart broken voice he'd been using almost the entire time he'd been in the bathroom.

As he rose, his movements were slow and uncoordinated. It was like he was a toddler, only learning how to stand on his own two feet.

When he stepped past her and towards the door, she completely fell apart. The reality of what he'd let slip about the baby they'd lost was more devastating than she'd ever imagined, and it didn't take but a few seconds for the blame to find her.

Mac's sobs did not even register with Harm's consciousness. All he could think of was how much pain he'd caused her. His chest hurt and his eyes stung from crying. His pride ached for losing control. He was the man in this family, he didn't cry like that, it was his job to protect her and comfort her.

Harm felt their trustworthy dog, Colleen make her way past him, making a bee line for the bathroom in their suite. He heard the dog whine as he stood near the kitchen window breathing in the air offered there. Seconds later the Setter was back, barking at him and nipping at the leg of his pants.

"What is it, Girl?" he asked the pet. "You have to go out?"

The animal barked again, then with a little whine headed back towards the bathroom. She stopped and started moving back and forth until she was certain he was following her. Colleen only got this crazy when someone was hurting or sick, usually one of the kids. It couldn't be the kids, they were at Bud's. That meant..."Oh shit!" It came back in a rush. He'd blurted out completely devoid of tact that Mac had been carrying the baby she'd just recently asked him to give to her, she had to be devastated. She had to be in pieces, and he had to go to her. It was his cross to bear.

She hadn't moved from the place he'd left her nearly 10 minutes before, 10 minutes she'd spent trying to make sense of the cruel tricks her body had played on her. How could she have not realized she was pregnant? How could something so important have gone completely unnoticed by someone who'd been pregnant twice before? What kind of mother was she to let…

The sound of glass crunching under Harm's feet forced Mac to lift her head up. He knelt down in front of her and gently put his arms around her. He was composed now, his mask of control firmly in place. "I'm sorry, Sarah," he said softly, holding her to him, rocking her as she had rocked him.

He let her cry against him for a few minutes, simply holding her, dropping the occasional kiss on her head. "You weren't supposed to find out about it, Sarah. I let...I didn't want you to know, I wanted to spare you that pain. Seems like just another thing I failed at. I'm sorry," he apologized again, but no amount of sorry could help now, he knew. Hell, it didn't even serve at making him feel better. It only made her cry more.

"No" she sobbed, "I'm sorry...it's my fault the baby..." She clung to him even tighter and cried from the deepest part of her shattered heart. "I didn't even know and...oh God, Harm, look what I did!"

Harm was baffled by her words. What she did? It was his idea to make love. It was his idea to keep pushing even when he sensed her tension. He was the one who initiated the whole encounter. He knew that it wouldn't be safe after what had happened with her last cycle, the pain and the heavy flow. But still he pressed the issue, still he'd drove himself into her so hard that he had bruised the tender flesh around her thighs. Ultimately the events of the previous night had only one cause, his callousness and roughness when he had known better. "Oh, Honey," he gasped shocked. "Sarah, you didn't do anything. You didn't do anything more than try and be a wife to me. It was wrong of me to push you Sarah. I knew something wasn't right but I kept right on pushing. Don't blame yourself, Ninja Girl. Please don't."

He pulled her face back a bit to force her to look in his eyes, for her to see the truth there. He loved her; he wanted her to know that to see his eyes say it along with his lips. "I love you, Sarah. And I'm so sorry you have to feel like this. That's why I told the doctors not to say anything."

"How can I not blame myself?" she asked him, not calming down much but somehow finding herself more able to speak. "I should have known I was pregnant - that's not something you could have known, but I should have and I didn't and look what happened!" She paused for a moment as the tears came rushing back.

"I should have known to tell you 'no'" she continued, "but I wanted...we wanted...I'm so sorry, Harm... so sorry..."

"Mac, we only made this baby the last time we were together. There was no way you could have known either," Harm comforted. "And how could you know, you even had a cycle. This is not your fault, Sarah. And I don't want to ever hear you say that again," Harm told her, his voice broking no argument.

He brushed the tears from her face as she looked up at him. She knew he was right, there was no way she could have known they'd accidentally conceived a few weeks ago, no possible way given the completely fouled-up manner in which her body now functioned. Still, there was a part of her that was completely riddled with guilt; the guilt a mother feels when she fails to protect her child.

"OK" she said, weakly agreeing with him. "But I don't want you blaming yourself, either."

He held her hand and started to lead her out of the bathroom now in shambles. He stopped just outside the doorway and sighed. He could still see her laying there, her eyes begging him to help her. She didn't want him to say anything else about blame so he wouldn't, say anything that is, but there was no way he could stop thinking it.

"Sarah, I think you should go back and lie down again. Your body has been through so much in the last 24 hours. Let's get you lying down again then I'll tackle this mess so we can bring our kids home tomorrow," Harm suggested.

"I'll be all right, Harm, but..." she sighed and surveyed the mess. "I want you to rest too. You were up all night and I know this had to be hard on you. After that display earlier...you shouldn't have to do this alone," Mac told him. "I'll get a broom and you refill that water bucket. We can clean up together and then we can just hold each other until we have to pick up Lucy and DJ. What do you say?"

Harm looked at Sarah ready to argue with her, but the look in her brown eyes told him that not only did she want to do this, but she needed to, as if she saw this action as a way of starting to move on. "All right," he capitulated. "But the minute you hurt or get tired you stop right away. Promise me."

Mac slipped her arms around his middle and held him tight a moment before pulling back and tipping her face up for a quick little kiss. "Promise. Now let's get to work. The only thing I really want is to be in your arms."

"And you can be, my love," he told her. "So move your six, there's work to be done."

Mac backed up and smiled her first real smile since that previous evening. With a mock salute, she replied, "Aye aye, Sir," turned on her heel and went to get the broom.