See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers
1232 ZULU
Rabb Residence
Manassas, VA
After they'd cleaned up the mess in the bedroom, Harm made Mac dinner, lasagna, one of her favorite meals, and then they both retired to the bedroom. He held onto her, she held onto him. Finally, the beating of his heart lulled her to sleep, but Harm remained awake, watching her breath in and out, gently caressing the side of her body.
Mac slept much later than she normally did that Sunday, her head resting on Harm's chest. She stirred slightly, looked up and met his beautiful blue eyes. They were dull, devoid of luster and underneath the skin was swollen and discolored. Gently, she traced the bags under his eyes with her finger. With a sad smile she sighed, "You didn't sleep at all did you?"
He shook his head. "Nope," he said. "I tried to, you know, it just didn't happen too much on my mind, I guess."
She rubbed her hand across his chest. "You have to sleep, Sweetheart. You can't do this to yourself. You promised." She kissed a spot on his bare chest that he especially like her to kiss, just above the nipple.
He offered her a faint smile, the best he could do given his core-deep exhaustion, both physical and mental. "I did, didn't eye?"
"Yeah. And in a few hours, we have to go and pick up our children. You know what they're going to be like when they see us. I just hope I can pick them up if they want me to," Mac fretted.
"Don't even try, Honey," he said gently. "I don't feel comfortable with you lifting anything much until we see Dr. Bradley. I know DJ will want you to hold him, but you'll both have to settle for him sitting in your lap, just until we know you're okay."
"I know, and you're right," she agreed. "But what about you? You have to be exhausted, Honey, you have me worried. It's not just this…there's something else isn't there?"
He felt that knife in his gut again, as if someone was wiggling it around just so he'd remember it was there, as if he could possibly forget about it. "No," he answered. "It's just all this, and it's been a hard weekend. I'll be all right, Mac."
Mac had noticed since Harm's trip he'd been different, but now she was sure of it. Something was off, but still he denied it.
"I know," she sighed. "But we'll see Dr. Bradley tomorrow and he'll tell you I'm fine. Now, you better get a shower while I get you breakfast," she told him moving into the sitting position and pulling on his robe.
"Okay babe," he sighed as he rolled slowly out of bed. He walked to the dresser and took out a clean pair of boxers before padding across the floor towards the master bedroom. He reached the doorframe and stopped cold.
"Get over it, Sailor," he ordered himself. "It's just a bathroom. You can do this."
But it wasn't just a bathroom anymore. That small space held some of his worst memories, his deepest fears, and most of all, so many pieces of his broken heart.
"What do you want to eat?" I do waffles, French toast, or pancakes. Eggs are your department," she informed him and awaited his answer.
"Huh? Oh, um, French toast sounds great, Mac," he said, hoping she didn't realize how terrified he was of going into that bathroom. "I'll scramble up some eggs when I get out of here."
"You have to go in there first, Harm," she replied. "Do you need me to go with you?" She didn't want to embarrass him, but Harm was much more emotional man that he'd want anyone to know, including her. Too bad she'd seen him cry too many times for him to keep that image.
Slowly he nodded, "Would you come with me? I…"
Mac sighed. She wanted to understand but if she was all right with it, how could he not be? She moved to his side and took his hand. "Ready?"
He silently nodded and reached inside to flip the light switch. The room was spotless now; no evidence remained of the heartbreak from Friday night. No visible evidence, anyway.
He looked around, felt his breathing becoming rapid and his palms begin to sweat. "Cool it, Harm," he thought to himself. "This is crazy, just chill out and get in the damn shower!"
"Harm, take a deep breath," Mac coaxed. "Now look at me, look into my eyes," she told him.
He obliged her. "Good. Now take another deep breath and look at my face and tell me what you see."
Again, he obliged. "I…I see you, Sarah, lying here," he pointed to the floor in front of the sink. "God, you look so helpless…you," he felt himself on the verge of another meltdown, but refused to give in.
Mac reached up and took his face in her hands, "Harm, answer me this, am I lying on this floor right now?"
"No." His response barely qualified as a whisper.
"That's right, no. And what about my face?" she asked. "Does it have the color back in it?"
He nodded, reaching his hand up to touch her face; almost as if to make sure she was really there with him,
Mac took that hand and slid it down between her breasts, "And what about my heart? How does it feel to you?"
"Alive," he answered. "But my God, Mac, you almost…"
"Ssh…" She hushed him with a finger to his lips. "We're lawyers, Commander. We only deal in facts, not what ifs and almosts. What do the facts tell you, Harm?" she asked, standing up straight and holding his gaze.
"That my beautiful wife is still alive and I love her more than ever," he replied studying their clasped hands, reveling in the beating of her heart.
"Okay," she replied. "Now I need you to do something for me. Can you do something for me, Harm?" she asked, really getting frightened at how he was handling this.
"Yes," he replied. "I'll do anything for you."
"Good," she replied. "I need you to let this go. I can't watch you like this, Sweetie. It scares me. And I'm going to be honest, while I'm better, I'm still not well, so I need my big strong Sailor to act like my big strong Sailor, okay?" she ventured knowing if he thought she need him he would will himself to deal with this thing, even if that meant letting him coddle her for the day.
"I'll try, Mac," he answered. "For you and for the kids, I'll really try, but please try to understand that this is really hard for me to get my head and my heart around."
She lifted his hand and kissed one at a time. "I know, but we have to try and take it one day at a time. If we wallow in it, it will take possession of us, and then we'll never be free. That's what you told me right after we were married and my Dad died. Remember?"
April 1999
Fresno, California
Hospice of the Sacred Heart
Harm stood and watched his wife of six months hold her father's hand. He'd passed away a short while ago. When it happened Harm had seen the man's hand contract, squeezing Sarah's the priest had said, but she had doubts. He felt however, that the priest was correct.
After it happened he'd wanted to go to her right away, take her in his arms, and cradle her, loving the hurt away, but he knew that wasn't what she needed. She got up and left the silent room heading outside to where her mother waited for news.
He gave her a few minutes to talk to her mom, and then he went to the door of the hospice. The sight he witnessed then was beautiful if not bittersweet. Mac, his strong Marine, who still had trouble relinquishing that image even with him was crying her heart out in the arms of her mother, if he could call her that.
He couldn't hear the words exchanged between mother and daughter, but it seemed that the conversation taking place on that lawn was hurting Mac more than it was helping her. She turned around after the last exchange and started walking briskly back to the hospice. Her mother asked her where she was going, and Mac called, "To bury my Father!"
Harm saw her walking back but realized she wasn't walking back to him. The wall was up and the gates were locked and guarded. Still, he was her husband, they'd just whether a rough point in their fledgling marriage, and he needed to be there for her whether she wanted him there or not.
He knew she needed at that moment, needed his strength and love to get her through the tidal wave of emotions that we battling about in her heart, threading to bring her to her knees.
In spite of her defensive posture, he approached her one she was back on the porch. "How are you doing, Mac?" he asked placing his arm around her shoulders.
"Oh, just great," she snapped as more tears fell from her deep brown eyes. "After everything he put me through," she said. "I never imagined it'd be like this, never! I'm not supposed to feel this way Harm. I'm not."
"Yes you are," he told her. "My Dad was gone over 25 years and I still mourned his death, Sarah. It's part of the natural healing process," he told her. "You want to come and sit down on the sofa for a while?" he asked.
Part of her wanted to refuse his offer, wanted to run and hide and be alone with her feelings. Her heart, however, wanted nothing more than to fall into the safe embrace of her husband and let down her guard, if only for a few moments.
"Yes..." she said weakly, I do."
"All right," he said and led her to the couch by the window. "Come on." He sat down on the couch and pulled her into his lap. "What happened out there?"
"She doesn't get it" sniffled Mac, "she doesn't understand how I can be so upset over this, how I could want to have anything to do with a funeral. Hell, I don't understand it myself really, but I'm at least willing to follow my heart and she's holding it against me!"
"Mac," he sighed and held her a bit tighter. "You have to do this," he told her. "I'll help you, but you have to have closure, Honey. You have to deal with this, take it one day at a time, and let it go. If you wallow in this, it'll take possession of you." He kissed her hair. "Then you'll never be free."
He let out a deep sigh. "Yeah, I do." It's not that he didn't want to let this go, let these awful scenes escape from his mind and never return, but the blame he was shouldering for what happened to Mac and to their unborn baby had piled itself atop the sickening guilt over Mexico, leaving him feeling like he didn't deserve to be free of any of it.
"Okay then. As sad as it is and as hard as it had to be for you to...to see that...we have two children who need us to be the parents they know. And now I can't really do it physically, you're going to have to help me. And if in a couple days, you don't feel better, maybe you should see Commander McCool," Mac suggested.
"Ah, Mac," he griped. "I don't need the shrink."
"Maybe you don't," she capitulated. "But if you don't get in that shower soon you're going to need some kind f medical treatment because this Marine is going to kick your six around this house. Now get moving."
Harm leaned down and kissed her soundly on the mouth before replying. "Yes ma'am."
1729 ZULU
ROBERT'S RESIDENCE
Harm and Mac arrived at the Robert's house and were immediately met by the excited cries of their children.
"Mommy! Daddy! We missed you!" Lucy exclaimed running to her parents' arms.
"We missed you too, Lucy" Mac told her daughter hugging her close. "Didn't we?"
"We sure did," Harm agreed. "Were you good for Aunt Harriet and Uncle Bud?"
"Yes, Sir," Lucy replied. "Except DJ cried last night for a long time."
"Daddy, up! Mommy, up!" the toddler requested. Harm leaned over and scooped up his son. "Hey there big guy," Harm greeted. "You want to give Mommy a kiss?"
Harm held DJ so the little boy could lean over and kiss his mother's cheek.
"Bud was just about to take them downstairs for a game of Monopoly Junior," Harriet told them. "Harm why don't you join them so Sarah and I can talk and she can
R-E-S-T."
"That's a great idea," Harm replied with false enthusiasm. "Rabbs verses Roberts?" he suggested.
"You're on," Bud agreed and turned the troops in the direction of the family's rec room.
"How are you feeling, Sarah?" Harriet asked her friend as she brought her a cup of tea. "Harm seems worried about you. What happened?
"Where do I begin?" replied Mac with a half-hearted laugh. "After Harm got home from hanging out with Bud on Friday night, he was feeling romantic, so we decided to give it a try, hoping it'd be OK since lately it had been."
"And?" Harriet prompted. "It wasn't, was it?"
"Not by any stretch of the imagination." answered Mac, looking down at her teacup. "It started out alright, you know, but as soon as he..." she paused, knowing her friend could read between the lines, "I thought I would literally die right there."
"Did he stop?" Harriet asked. "Some men get so caught up...I know a bomb could fall next to our bed and Bud wouldn't even notice." She gave a small laugh.
Mac laughed in agreement before continuing with her explanation. "Well, I didn't say anything at first" admitted Mac. "It'd been weeks since we'd been together like that, and I really wanted it to happen, I wanted him to have that experience because it means so much to him, to us. I did my best to talk myself through the pain, but when it got worse, I knew I had to make him stop somehow. At first, he went at it even stronger, thinking that's what I was trying to tell him I wanted."
"That must have been terrible," Harriet tried to sympathize. "What did he do when you told him?"
"I had to ask him to stop twice before it sunk in" said Mac, "but as soon as he realized what I was saying, he stopped completely and asked me what was wrong, asked if he'd hurt me. I couldn't even answer him, Harriet. I was in more pain than I ever was with
either of my deliveries, and you know those were no cake walk."
"Sarah, I know...I have no idea what you're going through, but if there's anything I can do..."Harriet was at a loss at how to help her friend.
"Thanks" replied Mac, "that means a lot. For the most part, I'm doing alright now, I guess. That night was pure hell, no other way to put it, but fortunately I don't remember too much after Harm went to check on Lucy. She called for us a few minutes after we'd
stopped everything, and Harm was trying to get me settled down and comfortable and all. I remember him leaving our room, but after that, it's all a choppy blur."
"The Admiral said when he got there...he said there was blood," Harriet whispered. "That must have been pretty scary."
"The little I can remember of it" said Mac, "yeah, it was scary. Apparently I got up from the bed and made it into our bathroom, and after Harm got Lucy back down, he found me in there, blood all over the place." She looked down at the floor as she spoke; feeling terrible for what Harm had gone through. "So, he laid me down on the floor, tried to stop the bleeding, to no avail of course, and called AJ and the ambulance."
"I could only imagine if Bud had seen something like that. He can barely handle labor pains never mind something like that," Harriet sighed. "How did he handle it?"
"Like a Navy Commander is trained to handle things like that" answered Mac, "he focused on what had to be done at the time and did it perfectly, but once the
physical worst of it was over, he didn't hold up so well."
"He's something else," Harriet sighed. "How bad was the fall out? I remember DJ when he got sick. Bud found him in the bathroom. Poor Harm was so sick."
"He's even worse this time" said Mac, setting her lukewarm cup of tea on the table. "I'm really worried about him, Harriet. I know this weekend was horrible for him and I've managed to get out of him that he feels fully responsible for the whole situation, for the pain, the bleeding, the miscarriage, but I -"
"The miscarriage, but I though with your condition that you couldn't" Harriet interjected.
Mac gave a little shrug, a look of sadness on her face. "Supposedly, we couldn't. Obviously, we could and we did, but it didn't last. The doctors at the hospital said that's what much of the pain and bleeding was, I was miscarrying. There's no way to know, of course, if our togetherness that night had anything to do with it, but Harm is completely
convinced that it did and he's taken on full responsibility for it."
"He's such an honorable man," Harriet sighed. "But I sense something more from you. Are you just trying to be strong for Harm or are you really all right?"
"Some of both, I suppose" said Mac. "I know I've got a lot of healing yet to do and so does he, but...something's just not right with him and I can't put my finger on it."
"Just since this weekend?" Harriet asked. "Bud said something about having to talk to Harm last Friday. Maybe he confided in Bud," Harriet suggested.
"Maybe he did" agreed Mac. "It's been going on, whatever it is, since way before this weekend. Best I can recall, he hasn't been totally 'with it' since his last TAD."
"Mexico?" Harriet asked to refresh her memory. "Yeah, I noticed the day he got home he was really clingy. I mean usually he's attached but that was..."
"Yeah, that's what I mean" said Mac, "something happened in Mexico, he saw something, went someplace, whatever, that really threw him for a loop but he won't talk about it. I wish he would, I wish I knew what was wrong and how to help him, you know?"
"Just be there for him, Mac," Harriet advised. "He'll break one of these days."
"That's what I'm afraid of."
"Does he have nightmares?" Harriet asked. "Bud had terrible nightmares after his leg."
"Oh yes" answered Mac. "He'll wake up in a cold sweat, crying to me how he's 'so sorry' when he's done nothing to be sorry about. Every time that happens, I hold him close and tell him it was only a nightmare, that we're fine and so on, like he does with Lucy,
and eventually he calms down and usually goes back to sleep, but I just can't make heads or tails of it because he won't tell me anything about the nightmares."
Harriet was quiet for a minute, recalling how disillusioned Bud had been with Harm after their drinks on Friday night. She didn't want to suggest anything that would upset Mac, especially since she was still recovering. "Could this have something to do with Meg?"
Mac looked her friend square in the eye as a wave of fear swept over her. "I...I hadn't really thought about that" she said. "You don't think he...they...?"
"No," Harriet jumped quickly. "I'm just saying maybe since he's feeling so down about what's going on with your health that he's bringing up old guilt. You guys really dealt with that issue."
"From one end to the other!" agreed Mac, thinking back on how difficult that ordeal had been for them. "I guess you could be right, though, about him bringing up guilty feelings that he's still hiding in there somewhere. I thought he was past it, I mean if I can get past it, I'd hope that he could as well, but maybe not."
Harriet never got to respond to Mac's statement before Harm came upstairs with a crying DJ in his arms.
Mac turned her head towards the sound of her baby's cry and immediately moved to go to him and take him from his father. "What happened?" she asked Harm reaching for the child. He refused to give him over.
"No, you sit before you try to hold him," Harm instructed. "You said it yourself this morning, you're still not well."
Mac rolled her eyes slightly, but obliged and sat down taking her crying child. "It's okay, Sweetie. Mommy's here," Mac assured the boy. "I've got you."
To Harm she asked, "What brought this on?"
"He was playing on the floor with Jimmy and bumped his head on the table," Harm told her. "There's no bump, but he wanted his Mommy."
"You wanted Mommy?" Mac asked the boy kissing the side of his head.
"Mommy," he sniffed and buried his head against her chest, chubby arms going around her neck.
"It's okay, little sailor," Mac comforted. "It's okay."
"We should probably get them home, Mac" said Harm, "it's past his naptime, probably part of why he's so fussy."
"Yes, I think you're right," Mac agreed. "Thank you very much Harriet for all your help. Our talk really helped set things straight for me."
"Any time, Sarah," Harriet said hugging her friend. "You know that."
Harriet moved to hug Harm, "You take good care of her, Harm. Don't worry, it'll work out fine."
Bud arrived then with Lucy and the rest of the Robert's tribe. Harriet went upstairs to collect the children's things.
When all were gathered in the living room again, Harm instructed, "Say thank you to Aunt Harriet and Uncle Bud."
"Thank you," Lucy said with confidence but DJ stayed glued to Harm's shoulder, peaking out at his Mommy.
"It was our pleasure," Bud replied. "Take care of yourselves and call us about tomorrow."
Harm nodded, he knew what Bud meant. Tomorrow was their appointment with Dr. Bradley, the outcome of which could determine the future of the family Rabb in more ways than one.
1903 ZULU
Rabb Residence
Manassas, VA
By the time the family made it home from Bud and Harriet's, Harm had a raging headache and could barely keep his eyes opened.
"I hate to do this" he said to Mac after he got Lucy settled in front of the television with a video and a snack, and put his cranky toddler down for a nap, "but I'm going to have to sack out for a couple hours. You think you'll be OK with her?"
"Sure, you okay?" she asked concerned immediately. Harm never napped.
He ran his hands over his face, fingers rubbing his heavy eyes. "I'm fine; I'm just feeling the effect of being awake for over 48 straight hours is all. A couple aspirin and a little nap, I'll be good to go."
"Okay," she nodded. "Go and sleep. You need me, I'll be here."
He leaned down and kissed her on the lips before trudging wearily down the hallway to their bedroom. He began to close the door, but thought be best leave it open in case DJ cried or Mac needed help with anything. Without much conscious thought, he went
into the bathroom, grabbed the aspirin bottle, opened it and popped 3 tablets into his mouth. Washing them down with a little water, he set the glass back down on the countertop and turned to make his exit. That's when he noticed what was left of their big mirror, the one he'd shattered in his fit of panicked rage the morning before. Most of the glass was long since gone, only a few sharp pieces remained on the wall above the sink. With a shake of his head and a deep breath, he continued out the door.
Mac watched TV with Lucy, went to DJ when he awoke from his nap and made frozen pizza for dinner. Harm slept in their bedroom the entire evening and into the night. When Mac came to bed a little after ten, he was still sound asleep.
She leaned over him a pressed a kiss on his forehead, "Sweet dreams, Sailor," she whispered and snuggled up next to him. Harm's dreams as the night progressed we anything but sweet. He was reliving it again, reliving his indiscretion with Annie. Only this time, as he lay in bed with her, he could hear Mac in the hotel bathroom, calling for him. He waited until he finished with Annie before he went to see about her. The sight
turned his stomach. She was lying on the floor, stark white and unconscious. Yet, she was also standing over her body, the ghostly image crying, "How could you do that to me? You're supposed to love me."
He couldn't stifle the scream.
Harm's scream and rapid motion as he bolted upright woke Mac from her sleep. She knew immediately it was happening again when she opened her eyes to see her husband sitting up, breathing hard and shaking in a cold sweat. "Harm?" she asked gently sitting up and opening her arms. "I'm here, Babe. I'm here. Come on."
He immediately moved himself into her embrace, his only hope of possibly calming himself down anytime soon. "In...out...in...out" he thought to himself as
he focused on each breath. He could feel the sweat running down his face, it was a terrible feeling. Worse, though, was the feeling behind the nightmare, the feeling he couldn't let Mac catch on to, not now or ever.
"What happened? Another nightmare?" she asked. "Want to tell me about it?" She placed a kiss on his damp forehead.
His body still trembling, his breath still rapid, he replied with a little nod. He knew he had to tell her something, he just wasn't going to tell her everything, not by a long shot.
"It was awful, Mac" he began, "you were lying there, you looked so sick...I was there, and I couldn't..." Try as he did, he just wasn't capable of forming a complete sentence.
"I'm sorry..." he said again, as he did every time this horror hit him in the night. "I'm so sorry...I love you so much..."
"Harm," Mac said in a normal tone, not in the sweet croonlike tone she usually used. "You have to stop this, ok? You have to stop. I'm fine and this is not your fault. Please, you can't handle anymore of this, I can't handle anymore of this," she told him.
If only it were that simple. He put his arms around her and brought her close, holding her tight as he tried to figure out what he could say to that. She was right, it did have to stop, that much he knew for sure. He also knew if it continued much longer, she'd drag him, kicking and screaming, to Commander McCool's office and then he'd really be in for it because there'd be no way he could keep his issues hidden from a shrink for more than a session, maybe two.
Finally, he knew it had to stop because sooner or later, Mac would figure it out. He wasn't sure how, but he was sure she would. Maybe it'd be an expression on his face one day, perhaps an unconscious cringe when Annie's name was mentioned in the future. Mac was sharp, she didn't miss much, if anything, when it came to her family, and while in most cases that was something he loved, this time, he wished it wasn't so.
"I know I do" he said, "I want to stop, too. It's just...hard."
"I know it's hard," she sympathized. "But so is flying an F-14 and you can do that without batting an eye. And it's more than just this weekend. I know you're holding something back. I also know you aren't telling me because you're afraid, of what I don't
know."
"Oh shit, it's happening already" he thought to himself. Once Mac was on to anything being other than it should be, she couldn't let up until she got to the bottom of it.
"No" he said, hating himself even more for lying to the woman he loved, "it's just everything from the weekend, babe. That and I'm thinking about the appointment with Dr. Bradley in the morning, kind of worried about it I guess."
"That's bull, Harm and we both know it. However, I'm too tired to argue this with you," she told him removing her arms from around him. "Try and go back to bed."
"Great, now she's mad" nagged the little voice in the back of his mind, the one he often wanted to take out behind a barn and beat into oblivion. He started to say something, but knew they were both too tired to go any further into it. With a sigh, he rolled over and
tried to go back to sleep, tried to will away the thoughts of what that nightmare had shown him.
1531ZULU
Georgetown Medical Arts Building
Washington D.C.
"This might be a bit uncomfortable, Sarah" said Dr. Bradley as he prepared to examine her.
"OK" she said, reaching out to take hold of Harm's hand as he stood beside her. She wasn't sure how uncomfortable it may be, but she knew she wanted her husband as close as possible in case she needed a strong hand to squeeze.
"Ow, ow" she said softly as the doctor put the instruments into place.
"Try to relax" said the nurse assisting Dr. Bradley. "It'll hurt less if you're not tense."
"This is as relaxed as it gets" replied Mac, a bit unnerved that the nurse felt it necessary to point out the obvious.
Harm squeezed her hand tightly, "Its okay, Honey," he whispered in effort to comfort her. "Breathe deeply."
I'm going use these to swab away some of the blood, Sarah" said the doctor, holding up a couple extra-long cotton swabs. Her bleeding had slowed a lot since Friday night, but hadn't ceased and the doctor couldn't get a good look inside her without cleaning
it out.
Mac took another deep breath, inadvertently pushing herself away from the doctor as he moved the cotton swabs against an extremely sore spot inside her body.
"Sarah, I need you to lay still for me, please" instructed the doctor. "I know it hurts, I'm being as gentle as I can."
Harm nodded a silent reply then focused on his wife's face and noted two silent tears leaking out of her eyes. He kissed the hand he held. "Can't you be gentler?" he asked the doctor. "You're hurting her."
"I'm doing the best I can" answered Dr. Bradley, "but she's sustained a fair amount of bruising in this area, which combined with the bleeding and all the exams of the last few days is making it hurt her more than usual."
He kissed her hand again, "I'm sorry Baby. I should have stopped," he whispered leaning down so the doctor couldn't hear him.
Mac looked up at him and nodded as she blinked away a tear. She knew he didn't mean to hurt her.
"You didn't mean it," she replied. "Just squeeze my hand."
Harm did as she asked as the doctor finished cleaning out the blood so he could get a better look inside.
"You're going to feel my fingers in just a moment" said Dr. Bradley, giving Mac a fair heads-up that he was preparing to touch her.
"OK" she said, looking straight up at the white tile ceiling, bracing for what she feared would be an extremely painful internal exam.
"You squeeze away, Baby," he told her. "I'm right here. Just think in a few minutes this will be over and we can go home." He squeezed her hand tightly, wanting her to hear his voice, wanting her to know that he was still there, holding her hand, and was not going to leave her side, no matter what.
Mac nodded, her gaze remaining unmoved from the tiles above the table. She felt her heart begin to race as the first sensation of the doctor's hands registered with her body.
"I can do this..." she told herself, not that she had a choice.
Harm's strong voice echoed her feeble thoughts, "You can do this, Mac."
"Good job, Sarah" said the doctor as he slowly rotated his fingers about inside her body. "Again, I'll be as gentle as I can, but I need to check some things and they may hurt some."
Mac didn't acknowledge the doctor this time, choosing instead to make eye contact with Harm. She was scared, and though she tried to hide it, the look in her eyes gave her away.
"You're going to be okay," he assured her. "You'll see. I love you."
Harm knew in his gut that it would be far from ok, but the fear in his wife's eyes forced him to say anything he could to comfort her.
"I love you, too" she whispered, knowing that he shared the same doubts as she over whether this would actually turn out OK in the end, but loving him all the more for trying to be so reassuring amidst her uncertainty.
Then it happened, the moment she prayed wouldn't come, though every fiber of her being knew it would. The doctor pressed his hands against her uterus, and she felt the kind of pain she felt that ill-fated night with Harm, only this time there was no talking herself into keeping still or quiet. "Oh God, Harm!" she screamed, gripping his hand as tightly as she possibly could. "Oh, ow, ow, OW!"
"Take a deep breath, Sarah," he told her. Then to the doctor, "Do you have to do that?"
"Yes," the doctor replied. "I have to check her uterus, I'm sorry it hurts. I'm going as fast as I can."
Harm leaned over and kissed Mac's forehead, "It'll be over soon, Baby. I'm here, I'm right here."
"I'm almost done, Sarah" said the doctor, "Just a little longer."
"God, it HURTS!" she screamed, sobs wracking her body as she tried to lie still. Every move of the doctor's hands was another experience in agony, each one more painful than the one before. She felt helpless against the pain, as she often did where her endometriosis was concerned. The horrible things it did to her body and to her spirit were, at times, unimaginable.
Harm held onto her hand as tightly as he could, "Sarah lay still. If you're still it won't hurt as badly."
"YES it will!" she insisted, unconsciously moving away from the doctor, sobbing hysterically, knowing that lying still really wouldn't make it hurt any less. "Oh my GOD!"
"Sweetie, um," he didn't know what to say. "Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about where you want to go on vacation this year. Any ideas?" If he couldn't ease her physical pain at least he could try to distract her from it.
She heard him, but vacation plans were the furthest thing from her mind at that moment. She let go of his hand, using both of hers to unintentionally move herself towards the head of the table and away from the doctor...away from the torture.
"Oh, God, stop!" she cried, "PLEASE stop!"
"Sarah, stop moving," the doctor ordered. "You're going to hurt yourself! Nurse, hold her arms," he instructed.
"You will not touch her!" Harm barked at the nurse. "And you will be more sympathetic. Listen to her!"
"Commander, she has to remain still," he doctor told him.
"Then I'll help her," he told the doctor and moved to clasp both Mac's hands. "Sarah, you have to slide down and let the doctor finish. Please," he kissed each hand. "Please." Then to the doctor, "How much longer?"
"Not much, I still have to check her ovaries," he told him. "I'll be as quick as I can."
"Only another minute or so" answered Dr. Bradley. "Hang in there, Sarah. I'm going as fast as I can."
"Deep breaths, Baby," Harm coached. "Deep breaths."
"I can't..." she sobbed, terrified and shaking her head at her husband as he begged her to slide back down to the end of the table. The last time he doctor had examined her ovaries was tantamount to hell, and she couldn't bear the thought of that kind of pain. "I can't...it hurts, oh God it HURTS!"
"Mac, you have to," Harm told her and released her hands and reached instead for her shoulders. Using his strength he managed to subdue her and force her body down so the doctor could complete the exam. Still, the more he moved her the more she fought and cried. Finally, there was nothing more to be done than for Harm to lean over Mac, his upper body on hers, his bulk precluding any further movement.
"There," he whispered. "You just keep breathing. It's almost over."
"Nooo..." she cried, shaking her head in defeat. "Make him stop..." she begged, looking into Harm's eyes, her own filled with pain and tears. "Make it stop...make it stop..."
"I can't, Baby," he told her softly. "I wish I could, I wish I could. Just a little longer, and I promise it'll be over."
"I'm going to move up now, Sarah. Then it'll be over," the doctor told her. "Commander, keep her still." Harm simply nodded.
Exhausted and hurting, all Mac could do was cry. She knew there was more pain coming in mere seconds and she wanted to back away again, but with Harm's upper body against hers, she knew she couldn't.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed Mac when the doctor resumed the exam none-too-gently. He was a bit frustrated with her by then, and although it was quite unprofessional of him, he allowed it to show through.
"Breathe, Sarah," Harm encouraged. "Look at me, and breathe. Remember when you had DJ how badly it hurt? You looked into my eyes and we breathed together. Come on, let's do just take a deep breath," he coaxed. "It'll be over soon." He called over his shoulder, "Right, Doctor?"
"I just need to check her left ovary and I'm finished," he told him. "Two more minutes."Harm leaned over her and so she could see his eyes, reading her thoughts. "Look at me, Sarah. Look into my eyes and breathe."
With no fight left in her, she did as he asked, her body shaking with each labored breath.
"All done" said the doctor, after what felt like an eternity to Mac. "Don't sit up just yet, though" he instructed her, "that was rough on you; I want you to lay here for just a bit."
"Rough on me?" spat Mac as she lay crying on the table. "That was pure HELL!"
"Dr. Bradley, she's had internal's before that have been uncomfortable but this...she's a marine she never gives in it must have been horrible. Why was it so horrible?" Harm asked, having lifted off Mac's chest and stood holding her hand and stroking her sweat soaked forehead.
"You mean besides the fact that she was squirming and completely uncooperative..." He didn't get to finish his thought
"HEY!" interrupted Harm, his booming voice echoing in the tiny room, his finger pointing at the doctor for emphasis. "Do NOT blame this on her! Don't you have any compassion? Couldn't you tell how much pain she was in? My God, she just had a miscarriage, she's been examined down there a half dozen times since then, and this really hurt her!"
The doctor relented a bit at Harm's protective husband mode, it was extremely frightening and he did not wish to be on the receiving end of it. "I apologize," the doctor sighed. Dr. Bradley picked up Mac's chart, made a few notations in it and sighed. "The medical reason for her pain...her condition has advanced. And based on the exam alone, I'm nearly 100 sure Sarah did indeed suffer a miscarriage. That's what caused the bleeding. I wish I had better news."
Mac squeezed Harm's hand a little tighter. They both already knew what had happened, but hearing it medically confirmed just made it a little bit worse.
"So, what comes now?" asked Harm, still on the defensive but backing down just a touch. "More medication, more radiation, another laparoscopy?"
"We could," Dr. Bradley replied. "But that's not my recommendation at this point."
"What is you recommendation?" Harm pressed.
"Complete hysterectomy," was the answer.