See Chapter One for Disclaimers and Notes
1610 ZULU
GeorgetownMedicalArtsBuilding
The doctor left shortly after that so that Harm could help Mac get up and dressed. The word hysterectomy hung in the air between them. Neither had reacted until they were alone.
Harm helped her sit up on the table once the pain from the exam had mostly subsided. She tried to speak, but all that came were sobs.
"I can't believe this..." she cried. "I just can't..."
Harm put his arm around her and pulled her close. "Ssh," he soothed. "Let's get out of here and talk about it when we get home."
Even in her fragile state, she knew he was right. This was not the place to have a discussion about such a major decision.
Wiping her tears away, she reached out for her clothes, determined to get them on and get out of that office posthaste. She needed a good cry in the arms of her husband, and the sooner they got home, the sooner she could have it.
It didn't take Mac long to get her clothing on and with Harm hovering, his arm wrapped around her, they exited the examination room.
"Let's just make our next appointment and we can go," Harm told her. They approached the reception desk and stood behind a brunette who was making her next appointment.
"Okay, Ma'am," the woman said. "You have your appointment for November 3. We'll see you then," the receptionist told her and handed her a card.
"Thank you," the woman replied and moved away from the desk. It was then that Harm saw her face. Annie. "Oh God," he thought. "I don't need this now. Maybe she won't..."
"Harm, Mac," she greeted sweetly. "How are you doing?"
"We're both fine, Annie," Harm replied. "And yourself?"
"Can't complain...getting my check up, you know?" Annie smiled. "Sarah, you and Harm together...does that mean we'll be welcoming another little Rabb into the world?"
Mac was in no condition for that kind of query. Without saying a word, she put her closed hand towards her face to mask the sobs as she made a beeline for the door.
"Annie, how could you ask that?" Harm snapped. "You know what I told you in Mexico. Sarah's illness won't allow for children! Excuse me; I have to go to my wife. Good day."
Harm rushed out into the waiting room looking for Sarah, but she was gone. Forgetting all about the appointment, he took to the stairs calling her name. She didn't answer. Finally, when he reached the outside, he saw her, seated on the hood of their car, arms wrapped around herself.
"Come on, Sarah," he urged. "Let's get you home."
"I hate her, Harm!" she angrily replied. "I hate her!"
"Why?" he asked, brows knitting, fear crushing his chest.
"Where do I start?" she cried. "Today, of all days, we had to run into her here and she had to ask if we were having another baby! Not that there's ever a good time to ask me that anymore, but today was far worse than normal and lo and behold, she just had to ask!"
"I know, love," said Harm, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm sorry. I know that wasn't what you needed to hear today."
"It's not just that, either," she spat. "I swear that woman is still hung up on you and I don't like that at all!"
He cringed, hoping the color wasn't draining from his face as he helped his wife down off the hood of the car and into the front seat. "I don't think she's at all 'hung up' on me, Sarah," he said, all the while hating himself for knowing otherwise. "She's just an old friend."
"Yeah, an old "girl" friend!" said Mac. "Whom by the way I never did like!"
"Honey, let's just drop this," he told her. "We have a bigger issue to discuss."
"Not until we get home, we don't," said Mac, reaching into her purse for a tissue. "I need to try and calm down some before we tackle that."
Harm remained silent and turned on the radio to the Jazz station. He needed to regroup as well and the hour drive home would give both of them the time they needed.
1740 ZULU
Rabb Residence
ManassasVA
An hour and ten minutes later, they were sitting on their sofa, facing each other, still silent. Harm took a deep breath and began, "I say we do it."
"Okay," said Mac shakily. "Why?"
"It's safer for you. You won't have anymore pain, I won't go insane worrying about you, and..." He reached out to touch her. "Our lives can go back to normal."
"Okay." she said, the defenses already going up. "First off, there's no 'we' as far as doing this or not doing this goes. Its my body we're talking about here, not yours!"
"I thought we were one unit," Harm sighed. "What's yours is mine and vice versa. I'm your husband, I'm the one who has to...I just think you should consider it, that's all." He tried to be as gentle as he could.
"It's so simple to you, isn't it?" she asked, far more harshly than she wished she had, yet she found herself unable to stop. "Just get rid of the parts that cause the problem and then life will be great and wonderful again, is that it? Let me tell you something, that's not it, not by a long shot! Do you even realize what this operation would involve?"
"Yeah, they go in and remove your...well female parts and you go on hormones for awhile until everything gets rebalanced," Harm replied.
Mac was determined to get herself back under control. This was a very important decision and as such required a level-headed conversation between the two of them.
She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "Yes, in its simplest form, you're right, that's what it involves, but you're not giving any thought to the deeper issues that are a part of this decision as well, Harm."
"Maybe because I don't see any," he replied. "Sarah, all I see is you happy, living a life free of pain...I know how you feel, but..."
"Oh, I beg to differ," she replied. "There's no way you could know how I feel. All you know is how things look from your side."
"Sarah," he sighed. "I'll grant you I'm looking at this from a different vantage point that you are, but I have to say that in this case I'm more objective. You need to look at the big picture. This does not only affect you, it affects all of us." He took a breath and continued, "And if this surgery will give me my wife back and our children their mother back, what's the harm?"
She knew he had a point, a really good point, but the hurt involved with having the operation was making it impossible for her to fully realize that.
"That all makes sense, Harm," she said. "But I wish you could see it from this side of the fence. In fact, here, try this for me - try to put yourself in my place. Put yourself through all that I've been through with this, and see if you can't maybe begin to understand why I can't be like you and just say 'Yeah, let's go for it' without really thinking."
"Explain it to me then, Mac," Harm said patiently. "Help me see it from your side."
She took a deep breath. "From my side, this disease has been... it's been a nightmare. Always wondering how bad the next cycle will be, always hoping I'll be functional enough to do the things I have to do every day, and hoping I don't have to spend too many hours curled up in a ball hiding from the world because of the pain I'm in. From that vantage point alone, the choice is easy: have the surgery and be done with it. The part that's complicating things for me is..."
"What? You can tell me anything," he encouraged when he sensed her hesitation.
She felt the tears brewing as she continued to speak. "I don't want to wake up after the surgery and be faced with the reality that we can never have another baby, Harm. I want another one so much and even with everything this weekend and what Dr. Bradley said today, I just can't make myself let go of that dream!"
"You have to, Sarah," he replied softly. "You have to, because, and call me selfish, I cannot physically or emotionally handle another night like that. The risks are too great Sarah."
"See, that's where our feelings go in opposite directions," she replied through falling tears. "I don't want another night like that either, and I certainly don't want to put you through that again, but even that's not enough to convince me that a hysterectomy is the best option or the only option. Miracles do happen, Harm, and that's what I've been clinging to through this. If I have the operation, then our chance for that miracle baby is gone and I just don't want..."
"Sarah, this is...this is not about what you want," he told her softly but firmly. "This is about what's best for our family."
"No" she agreed, "because if I had what I want, we wouldn't be faced with this at all! I wouldn't feel like a huge part of my heart is being pulled apart, and I wouldn't feel like my husband is the one pulling the hardest!"
"I'm not trying to hurt you," Harm sighed starting to walk around the room. "I'm trying to get you to see the big picture. You're just..." he stopped himself.
"Just what?" she asked, reaching for another tissue.
"Nothing," he sighed. "Forget it." He was closing up, hardening and she knew it. She just didn't care.
"No, tell me" she said, feeling her own emotional walls begin to go up. "I'm just what? I need to know what you're thinking and feeling, now tell me."
"I can't...You're being very selfish about this Sarah," he managed and braced for the fall out. "I am trying to understand how you feel, I wish I could, but I can't grasp the logic or the reason in hopelessly clinging to the idea of a baby we're never going to have. You can't get pregnant by osmosis!"
"I knew that was why you're so in favor of the surgery!" she replied angrily. "You really think our sex life is a good enough reason to ask me to toss my dreams aside? Dreams of giving you another baby that you want so badly?"
"I don't want another child!" he told her. "I don't want one, not at your expense. Excuse me for loving you that much!"
"Loving me? You have no idea what I'm going through here, Harm! None!" she shouted the last word losing her grip on her temper.
"I don't? Maybe not in the physical sense Mac, but...God, every time I see you in bed in a tight tiny ball, my heart hurts. Every time I see you look a family of five or six, my gut twists, and every time I think about you lying on the floor with your life's blood running out of you because of this god damned disease," he stopped for a moment and turned his back to her feeling the emotion of the moment sting at his eyes. "So don't you dare tell me that I don't know!" He spun around to face her, pain turning to anger. "You don't know what it's like to watch the person you love most in this world suffer like that, so cut the sanctimonious crap, Sarah. This is not your private pity party!"
"You self-righteous bastard!" She advanced on him until they were standing nose to nose. "How dare you tell me how to handle this or what to feel or anything about it for that matter? Watching it and feeling it are two different things, and you don't have a clue what it feels like to have this disease, to have it creep into every goddamn area of your life! You don't know and you never will!"
He relents a bit, "All right, maybe they aren't the same, but yours is not the only life affected here, Sarah. Jesus, I can't even go to bed with my wife...I have to..."
"Yes, Harm, by all means, remind me that when we make love and it works, it's amazing, but when it doesn't all hell breaks loose! Remind me that because of me, your sex life now revolves around your own imagination! Please, point those things out to me again, I forgot all about them, right along with my own needs, which apparently aren't supposed to matter since I'm so wrapped up in my precious little pity party!" She backed away from him walking around their living room as she angrily shot down his comments.
"Damn it, Mac," his cursed. "Can't you listen? Has this disease somehow incapacitated your ears as well as your uterus? I'm not trying to put myself ahead of you, I'm just trying to level the field, because since you've gotten sick, you haven't really given a damn about how it's affecting me or Lucy or DJ!"
"Lucy and DJ are fine!" she spat.
"Are they?" he snapped. "DJ maybe he's too little to understand what's going on, but your daughter is upset and worried about you. She has nightmares about you getting sick and leaving her, Mac! It's very hard for her to see you sick, Mac, and it is affecting her. You just can't see that!"
She reached for the tissue box, grabbing another as the tears began to fall in waves. She hadn't realized how much her disease was affecting her daughter, but this exchange was far too hated to allow for maternal guilt just then.
"Stop trying to make me feel guilty, Harm!" she yelled. "I do the best I can to keep the kids from seeing me sick, that's all I can do! We both know this isn't about the kids anyway, it's about you and what you want!" She heard the words coming out of her own mouth and cringed inside at the ice-cold tone they possessed.
"If you believe that, Sarah," he said, pain and hurt showing in his eyes. "Then we've wasted a lot of time."
"I don't want to believe that, damn it, but I do!" she cried. "Don't you think I feel like an incredible failure as a wife? Don't you think I hate not having what we used to have? I miss it just as much as you do, Harm, but the fact that you're asking me to totally give up the chance that we can get past this and have another child together just breaks my heart to pieces! You just don't under..."
"Stop it!" he shouted at her and stood directly in front of her. "Just stop it! Listen to yourself. You know the facts, you're a smart woman, but you're obsessed." He took a breath and tried to lower his voice. "I'm going on record. If you decided not to have this surgery...Sarah, please don't put me in that position."
"And just what position would that be?" she shouted back.
"Don't put me in the position of having to...I don't even know what I'm saying you got me so crazy!" he snapped. "This conversation is over. I'm the head of this family and I have to think about what's best for everyone. You're having the operation." He tried the husband card. Sometimes it worked.
But not this time. "How dare you stand there and act like this is your decision!" she yelled. "You tell me that I'm being selfish in not wanting the operation, you are being just as selfish!"
"Sarah, I want you to have this operation for you. I don't want to watch you lie in that bed all curled up in a tiny ball shaking and crying out in pain. I don't want my daughter to sit in the car with and look at me with that little pout all teary eyed because her Mommy is sick, and I sure as hell don't want to go through the next thirty years or so without being able to touch my wife. So if that makes me selfish, so be it."
Mac got up from the couch and began to pace in front of the living room window, hoping maybe a little movement would clear her thoughts. The conversation was getting completely out of control, showing no signs of letting up, and someone was going to get hurt. Really hurt.
"Here we go with the guilt again!" she cried. "I feel horrible that Lucy gets so upset when I'm sick, and I sure as hell don't enjoy spending hours on end every 4 weeks stuck in bed, doped up on pain killers, but that's just the lot life has cast us, Harm! I am hearing you and as mad as I am, I can't argue that your concerns aren't valid, but damn it if you would just stop and think about where I'm coming from here, you'd see how sick it makes me to think about what this operation would mean to me as a woman! I hate that in order to regain my life, I have to sacrifice something that makes my life what it is!"
Harm took a deep steadying breath and stopped his pacing. Yelling wasn't getting him anywhere and Mac's words were scalding him.
"Then what am I? What do I make your life?" he asked softly.
His tone, the look in his eyes, the hurt on his face was chipping away at her broken heart. Swallowing hard, she answered him.
"God, Harm, you're everything to me, and you know that! You're using my feelings about this stupid operation as a measure of my love for you, and that's a low blow, damn low! Why can't you step back and look at this differently? You say I can't be objective - what makes you objective? You're just as set in your convictions as I am in mine, and you're trying to twist this into some sick measure of my love for you, or better still my lack of love for you, and that's just not even close to the real issue here!"
"Then what is. I just heard you tell me that your uterus is more important that your family!" He barked. "Those weren't your words, but that's what you meant. I know you too well. You in your sick mind somehow think I'll see you as less of a woman without it! That's irrational Mac!" he told her, his hands shaking with anger.
"I'll feel like less of a woman without it!" she yelled, red-faced and crying. "There, I said it, are you happy now? I'll feel like less of a woman without it because the moment I give it up, I have to give up that tiny little shred of hope that we'll be the one couple in a million who beat this thing!"
"What's is wrong with you? Do you hear yourself?" he shouted the question as if she was incapable of hearing them in a lower volume. "You are measuring your own self worth based on an organ, an organ that is not capable of doing what you want it do. You are willing to risk your life, this family's happiness, our marriage...It doesn't make sense!" he shouted in frustration.
"No, it doesn't make sense!" she shouted back at him. "It doesn't...make...sense..." She dropped to her knees on the living room floor, crying harder than she had in ages.
Harm watched, jaw clenched as Mac collapsed in tears. She put up a great fight for a painfully long time, but it proved too much. He knew he should have stopped long ago, but Mac goaded his temper and he'd made things worse. Sighing he dropped beside her and took her in his arms. "Ssh, Baby," Harm comforted. "Don't get upset."
She was sobbing so hard she thought for sure she was going to throw up. "God, Harm," she sobbed. "I don't know what to do... I don't know..."
Dropping a kiss on her head he replied, "You're going to listen to me. First, stand up; let's go over to the sofa. Then you're going to try and calm down, because this is not good. Okay?"
"I can't calm down!" she answered, crying as hard as before. "My husband just told me that he doesn't think I love him or our children, that I'm sick for wanting to have another baby - how can I calm down?"
She sat in his embrace, looking into his eyes as she spoke. She was hurt and she wanted him to know it, to see it in her eyes, upon her face. He was right, this wasn't good, but she needed to let off some steam if she wanted to be able to calm down.
"I didn't mean it like that, Sarah," Harm said voice full of remorse. "I know you love me and the kids, I...I just don't think you are considering us in your decision, and maybe I was a little hasty in deciding, I'm just so scared, Honey," he confessed.
"I know you are," she said, still crying but beginning to slow down just a bit. "I just...I...I never told you how much it hurt me the night I told you I wanted to try for another baby and without even thinking about it for a split second, you refused. You made that decision for us, without asking me anything and without thinking that it just might be really important to me." She continued to cry, this time the tears were clearly coming out of hurt moreso than anger.
"Sarah, I'm sorry we didn't talk, but...Dr. Bradley said that even if you get pregnant, you'd be risking your life to carry the baby to term," Harm reminded her. "I love you and I don't want to lose you or be left alone with two or three children to raise."
"But doctor's can be wrong," she said, wiping her nose with a wadded-up tissue. "I know it'd be a high-risk endeavor, and I've tried time and time again to talk myself out of wanting it," she paused to take a few deep breaths. "But it hasn't worked. God, Harm, I want it again. I want to feel everything I felt with Lucy and DJ. I want to see the look on your face when you get to feel the baby move inside of me. I want to see the tears in your eyes when you hold our child for the first time. I want it again..." she cried. "I want it..."
"I know you do," Harm replied trying to pull her closer to him. "I want it too, but...after Friday night, how can we, responsibly consider trying again. Even if I were to agreed to risk the pregnancy, what about the conception?" Harm asked her. "You nearly died, don't you get that?"
The more they talked, the more she calmed down, which she knew was for the best. "I get that," she replied with a sniffle. "I do, but what happened Friday night was because of the miscarriage, which happened because neither of us had any clue I was pregnant. If we agreed to try and we were focused on it like we used to be, that wouldn't happen again."
"We don't know that it won't," he told her. "The doctor said today the endometriosis is still a factor. If it wasn't very severe, he wouldn't want to do the operation," Harm pointed out.
"I know it's severe," she replied. "I was the one on the table today, believe me, I know. I also know that only a few weeks ago, after being told it was impossible, we created another baby together. Maybe it was a doomed pregnancy from the start, maybe our night together had something to do with it, maybe it was the endometriosis, we'll never know. What I do know, though, is that it's still possible for us to conceive, and something in my heart is telling me that under the right circumstances, we can make it happen."
Harm sighed and looked at Mac. He knew she was right, they would never know, not for certain. He looked at her eyes, red and swollen from crying, her nose raw from wiping it with an old tissue. At that moment, he could deny her nothing. "All right, but with conditions."
"Okay," she said, the excitement and optimism in her words very evident. "What are the conditions?"
"We wait until the doctor says it is absolutely safe," he began. "Also, we explore other remedies for the pain and inflammation, including radiation and another surgery to remove the worst of the lesions. Does this work for you so far?" He asked wanting to make sure they were back on the same wave length before he stated the last of conditions.
Mac nodded, trying to hide her excitement, all the while knowing he could sense it without even trying to. "Yeah, go on."
"Last thing, and this is the most important. The second, the second that trying again hurts you physically in anyway, we stop and you reconsider the hysterectomy," he outlined. "That's it. Those are my terms.
Her heart skipped a couple beats as his words registered in her heart and mind. "Okay," she said earnestly. "That's fair. I can't argue with any of it, well, I could, but I won't because there's no reason to."
She looked him in the eye as an all-out smile crept across her face. "Thank you, Harm," she said. "You have no idea what this means to me."
He raised his hand to touch the tears that were now drying on her cheeks. Running the pad of his thumb over her soft skin he whispered, "Yeah I do, but I have to ask you something, Mac."
She simply nodded, knowing if she tried to speak, she'd dissolve into tears again.
"You know that I didn't say anything to intentionally hurt you, don't you?" he kissed the tip of her nose. "I only want you safe, I don't want to cause you anymore pain than I all ready have."
Remaining silent, she pulled him close and laid her head upon his shoulder. Swallowing hard to choke back the tears, she tried to answer. "I know," she whispered. "None of what I said...was meant to hurt you, either. I was horrible to you, though...and I'm so sorry."
Harm raised one hand to her head and started to stroke her hair. His other arm tightened around her back, "You were justified, I said so many thing that I regret saying," he told her. "But it was in your best interest. Believe that?"
She nodded, her head lifting up a bit to see his face. "I do. I know that was your only motive, I only said it wasn't because I was scared and hurt and you were the first available target for my attack. I'm so sorry I said those things. The only parts of any of it that I meant were the parts about missing what we used to have together and desperately wanting to try for another baby." She ran her hand over his cheek, the smile returning to her face followed by a few happy tears. "We're going to try for another baby...we're really going to try..."
Before Harm had a chance to answer her soft query, their phone rang. "I better get that, it might be Bud."
"Sure," she said, sliding out of his arms so he could stand up.
"Rabb," Harm said into the phone.
"Harm," the female voice came over the phone line. "It's Annie. Are you alone?" she asked when he didn't reply right away.
"No," he replied simply.
"We need to meet, Harm," Annie told him.
"No," he replied again, his tone even.
"Harm, that's not a request. We need to meet, it's very important," she told him. "It won't take long."
He sighed, disgusted. "Alright," he said. "When?"
"Tonight, seven thirty. The D.C. Plaza in the bar," she told him flatly. "Leave the Mrs. at home."
"I don't think so," he responded curtly. "We'll both be there, that's not up for debate." He didn't feel he could leave Mac alone given the day she'd had.
"Do you love your wife Harm?" Annie asked. She knew that Mac didn't know about their "roll in the hay" and she knew she was upset at the doctors. What Annie had to say would probably destroy the poor thing. Annie didn't like Sarah Mackenzie, but given Harm's feelings toward her now, she did pity her.
"You know I do," he answered, lowering his voice a little, hoping Mac wouldn't hear but knowing she would. "That's why I say again, we'll both be there, period."
"I don't want to hurt her Harm, that's why I want you to come alone," she tried to reason. "She...after what I saw today she won't be able to handle what I have to say."
Harm took a few seconds to think. "Fine, I'll be there, see you then."
"What's the matter, Honey?" Mac asked when Harm slammed the phone down. "Was that Bud? Are the children all right?"
"No - well yes, they're fine I guess" he said. "But that wasn't Bud. It was nothing, don't worry about it."
"I heard you say 'I'll be there'. Where is there?" Mac pressed.
He knew this was coming. "I have to go meet with a former client," he said. "Later tonight at a restaurant in downtown DC. I won't be gone too long, though."
"Well, okay. Should I come with you?" she asked. "You seem a bit on edge about it."
"No," he answered quickly, too quickly really. "No, you need to stay here and rest. Today's been awfully hard for you and you're still not fully recovered from the weekend."
"All right, and the kids will be back by then anyway," Mac sighed. "Just be careful okay. I have a bad feeling."
He nodded. If Mac had a "bad" feeling, the feeling he had was no less then sheer and simple horror.
"I'm going to call Bud and tell him he can bring the munchkins back now," he told her. "You go and lie down, put your feet up."
"Okay, honey" she said. "I'll rest up a bit before they get here."
"You feeling all right?" he asked. "I expected a fight out of you."
"I'm fine," she said. "Just feeling the effects of the last few days I guess. Don't worry about me though, if there's anything I think we need to be concerned about, I'll speak up, I promise."
"Good," he nodded. "I'll call Bud. You call me if you need anything."
Bud and Harriet dropped the children off an hour later, and Harm whipped up some macaroni and sauce with a salad. They family ate together and talked, laughing when DJ found out the reason why one should not mix milk and tomato sauce. The disgusted look on his little face was priceless.
"See," said Mac as she reached for her son's sippy cup. "That's why we don't play with our food, baby."
"Yucky!" he blurted out.
Harm chuckled, "I bet it is. Do you want some juice?" he asked the toddler.
"Juice!" DJ replied, happy to be having his needs serviced.
At six thirty, Mac stood doing the dishes, while Harm wiped down the table. "Babe, what do you want to do for next week?" Mac asked.
"What's next week?" he asked, mentally running through everything he could remember, but finding his only thoughts were of his meeting in one hour.
"Funny, Harm," Mac rolled her eyes. "Very funny. Seriously, I need to know if we need a sitter overnight or what because I don't want to blindside anyone."
"Sitter overnight...?" he thought to himself, then it clicked, it was their anniversary. "Yeah, I'm such a clown, aren't I, babe?" he asked as he leaned in for a kiss, hoping she'd miss the fact that he was off in another world a moment ago. "Sure, let's get an overnight sitter, then we can enjoy ourselves without watching the clock."
"Okay, I'll ask the Admiral this time. We've been imposing on Bud and Harriet too much lately," Mac said. "What about dinner at Constantine's and dancing?" she suggested.
"That sounds wonderful," said Harm. "All of it."
"Good," she replied and dried her hand. "Oh Harm, its 1838, you better go!"
Glancing at the clock on the wall as a gut reaction, he knew she was right. "Yeah, I better," he said. "But I won't be gone long and I'll have my phone if you need to get a hold of me, okay?"
"Okay," she agreed. "I'll be fine, though I promise. I love you."
"I love you too," he said, kissing her on the lips as he grabbed his jacket and his keys and headed out the door.
0040 ZULU
D.C. Plaza Hotel
WashingtonD.C.
When Harm arrived at the DC Plaza he was about ten minutes late. The whole drive over he felt his heart pounding in his chest. What could Annie want that was so important? If she was going to use Mexico to get him to commit to some sort of on going triangle, he would tell her what she could do with that idea. If she threatened to tell Sarah, well, he'd have to do it first.
He walked to the lounge in the back of the upscale hotel and sure enough, Annie, in a short blue dress was sipping what appeared to be a Screwdriver.
Annie saw Harm approaching and slipped off the stool, going over to him, "Hello, Harm. I'm glad you could make it."
"Yeah, you can save the idle chit-chat, Annie," he replied. "Just tell me what you needed to see me for and I'll be on my way."
"Let's sit down. Would you like to have a drink?" she offered. "I'll buy."
"Yeah, she'd love that, wouldn't she?" he thought to himself as he sat down on the stool next to hers. "No, I don't want a drink, I want to know what was so all-fired important that you made me drive clear out here tonight."
"I think a drink would be a good idea, Harm," Annie pressed.
"Fine," he conceded. "I'll have a beer."
The bar tender got Harm a draft beer and went to serve the other customers. "I think we should sit at a table. This is a delicate matter."
He let out an agitated sigh. This was already taking longer than he hoped and they hadn't even discussed the reason for their meeting. "Then let's go find a table, sit down and get whatever this is over with so I can go home. I don't like leaving Sarah alone with the kids for too long right now."
"Come on, Harm. She's got endometriosis, not cancer," Annie sighed exasperated at how Harm coddled and babies his bride. "That one, in the corner."
"For your information, Annie," he said as they walked towards the isolated table, "Today was a really bad day for her and she's very tired and I don't like her being alone, if it's any of your business!"
"Oh it is, Harm," Annie said. "Especially after what happened between us last August."
"I knew it!" he said, "I knew you were going to keep that situation tucked away until you felt like waving it over my head! Well, guess what, whatever your little plan here is, Annie, you can forget it, it won't work!"
"It's not a plan, Harm," Annie told him as she took a deep breath. "It's a baby. I'm pregnant."
He sat in complete silence, her revelation hitting him like a locomotive driving head-long into a concrete wall.
"Pregnant?" he asked. "PREGNANT?"
"Yes, pregnant," she replied. "I'm about seven weeks along. That means the baby was made while I was in Mexico. That means, this baby is yours."
He leaned against the back of his chair with a thud, his hands running absent-mindedly through his hair. Of all the things he feared about this meeting, this was a fear that didn't even make the list. What could he say? How could he even formulate a sentence after being nailed with a bombshell like this?
"Wait just a minute," he said, pointing an angry finger at Annie. "It can't be mine, we were 'careful', remember?"
"No, Harm," Annie shook her head. "We weren't careful. Not at all."
"Like hell we weren't!" he spat, trying to keep his fury down to a dull roar. "I know I was drunk, but I wasn't that drunk, damn it!"
"Harm, admit it. Okay, stop with the I was drunk excuse. You wanted me, plain and simple. Now you just have to figure out a way to tell Sarah," Annie said angrily.
"Tell Sarah?" he replied, his face turning redder by the second. "I'm not telling her a damn thing without a whole lot more proof that this is real not just your word, Annie! My God, do you know what this would do to her? And if you think I 'wanted you' that night," he added. "You're more delusional than I ever realized! YOU were the driving force behind everything in Mexico, Annie, everything!"
"I have more important things to worry about what this will do to Sarah," Annie spat. "I have our baby to worry about. I thought since...I thought maybe you'd want it," she started to choke up.
Harm felt another locomotive ram against that wall. What if she was telling the truth? What if this was his baby? Of course he'd want to do the right thing, but...Mac. There was no way, just no way.
Another thought occurred to him, suddenly things didn't seem so bad. "Just what makes you so sure this baby is mine?" he asked, demanding an answer. "You've got a husband, how do you know it's not his?"
Annie let a few tears fall from her eyes, "He hasn't touched me. He doesn't sleep with me. It was such a big mistake. I just wanted someone..." she sniffed. "I thought you loved me once Harm? Did you ever love me at all?"
"Oh, please," he said, rolling his eyes. "This is not about you, Annie! Yes, I loved you at one time, long ago and under completely different circumstances and you know that! I'm still...there's just flat out no way I'm accepting this at face value, not from you, not from anyone! Hell, how do I even know you're really pregnant and not just trying to trap me into being a part of your life by letting me fall prey to some sick charade?"
Annie felt her hands start to shake and reached for a sip of her drink, "I'm not like that Harm. I know I shouldn't have let you...in Mexico. But, Harm, I'm not capable of that. You know that, Luke was your best friend; he'd never marry someone capable of that. I don't want to hurt you but I want the baby to know its Daddy." She put the drink down.
"You just leave Luke out of this" ordered Harm. "He'd roll over in his grave if he knew what we did, and what the hell are you doing drinking? Give me that!" He grabbed her drink and slid it to his side of the table. "Assuming that you are pregnant, which I still don't believe, you should know better than to drink this stuff."
"It's orange juice," she replied. "Plain orange juice."
Shaking his head, he slid it back towards her. "Okay, let's assume, for the sake of argument only, that you are pregnant and the baby is mine."
"I'm definitely pregnant, Harm," Annie told him. "I have the prenatal vitamins in my purse to prove it." She reached into her bag and showed him the prescription bottle. "That's why I was at Dr. Bradley's office today."
He sank back into his chair again. "You said you were there for a check-up."
"I was. I'd skipped a period so I thought I might be...and when the home test was positive I went in for a check up," Annie explained. "What would you rather I announced my condition in front of Mac?"
"Yeah," he sarcastically snapped. "That would have gone real well with what you asked her about why she and I were there together!"
"Stranger things have happened," Annie said. "I do hope you two have another child. I just want this one," she touched her stomach. "To know its father. To know you."
"That is yet to be proven, Annie!" barked Harm. "So you've shown me a pill bottle and fed me a few lines about how your husband hasn't touched you and the baby has to be mine, but I'm a lawyer for Christ's sake, you've got to do a whole lot better than that if you want me to accept this...disaster!"
"Okay," Annie sighed. "We'll do a paternity test, after the baby is born."
"Oh, you better believe we will!" he retorted. "But what are you expecting me to do in the meantime? I know you won't just stay quiet and leave me alone for the next 7 months, that would be far too much to hope for."
"I'll be able to handle most of it, but if I need help, I'd like you to be there," Annie said. "I...Peter found out about us and he's left me. I just want to know I can call if I really need help."
What could he say to that? If he refused, he risked her getting angry and telling Mac everything. If he agreed, he'd spend the next 7 months living a double life, waiting for the juggling act to come crashing to the ground. Of course, if the baby was ultimately proven to be his, he'd have to live up to his responsibilities and do what he knew was right. He felt that locomotive make another run, this time into his heart.
"Damn it..." he mumbled. "Exactly what kind of 'help' are you envisioning you'd ever need from me?"
"Not much at first, but if I need someone to drive me to the doctor's or a Lamaze coach," she ventured. "That's where you come in. And God forbid I get put on bedrest..." She rolled her eyes.
"Forget it!" he said, so loudly the heads of those around them turned and looked. "There's no way," he said. "No way in hell I'll be your Lamaze coach, and if you need a ride to an appointment you can take a cab, and if you end up on bedrest you can just deal with it! You're not pinning this on me Annie, not without indisputable proof and right now you don't have that!"
"It is the truth Harm whether or not you accept it or believe it," Annie said. "And I will prove it to you, I all ready said that I would, but...Harm, this baby...I want him or her to know you, I...you of all people know what its like not to have a Daddy."
"Yeah, I do," he replied angrily. "And this baby has a Daddy, but right now I simply refuse to believe that it's me! Call me cold-hearted, call me cynical, call me whatever the hell you want to," he said, waving his hands in the air to help make a point. "I just don't buy it, Annie! I don't! I can't!"
"So that's it," Annie sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this Harm, but my child has to come first." She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone. "Let's see what Sarah has to say about you shirking your parental responsibilities."
He jumped out of his chair, sending it slamming into the wall behind himself as he grabbed the phone from her hand. "Don't you even think about talking to my wife! Do you hear me? Don't you DARE!"
"I have no choice," Annie replied. "If you are going to be cold and unreasonable, and decide not take responsibility for your baby, I'll have to tell her. She has the right to know that one of these days you might up and desert her and your other children," Annie said. "I'm not surprised you're doing this. Every other guy did, you shouldn't be any different." Annie started to cry again, and set her cell phone down. "No," she sighed. "I can't do that to her or you. It wouldn't make me any better than you are."
"Listen to this shit!" he hissed. "I can't believe you're doing this, making me out to be the bad guy here, Annie! You think you can just drop this news in my lap and I'm supposed to believe it without question and, apparently, agree to whatever crazy conditions you throw at me or else you'll tell my wife, my sick wife, what happened - well, your version of what happened anyway because it damn sure isn't my version!"
"I'm not going to tell, Sarah," she studied her lap. "She doesn't deserve that. She shouldn't be punished for what you've done. All I'm asking for is a little assurance that I can rely on you like I always could before." She said it in a way that made her seem tiny, vulnerable. "I wouldn't tell you this if I really didn't believe you were the father."
"Whoa, wait a second" he said, his eyes wide with every emotion known to man. "If you didn't believe I was the father - so that means there's a chance I'm not, doesn't it?"
"No," she shook her head and continued to let her tears fall.
"Don't lie to me, Annie," Harm replied, his voice conveying his anger. "I'm a lawyer, remember, I interrogate people for a living and I'm trained to read between the lines and right now they're just screaming that you're not being totally honest with me!"
"I am being honest with you!" she blurted out. "That's why I'm so desperate, Harm! I was honest with Peter and he left me and Josh and now I'm pregnant with your baby, and that's the only good thing that's going to come out of this horrible mess. Please, just let me know you'll be there for me and for your son or daughter. I may not deserve it, but the baby does and I think the baby deserved the benefit of the doubt."
He rubbed his hands over his face, hoping maybe he could shake himself out of the living nightmare he was stuck in. It didn't work.
With a deep sigh, he spoke. "Okay, you win," he said. "You win. We can't prove anything right now with regards to paternity, and you're right, the baby shouldn't be the one to suffer for our mistake."
"Thank you," Annie said wiping her eyes. "You'll see, in seven months that I am telling the truth. I'm sorry I was so what would Sarah say, um, neurotic before."
"Yeah, you really were neurotic," agreed Harm. "But we're not finished here."
"Oh?" Annie queried. "Shouldn't you be getting back to Sarah? It's after nine."
"I'm well aware of the time," he said, looking her straight in the eye. "But neither of us is leaving this table until we agree, in no uncertain terms, to the way things are going to work."
"Well, how's this? I'll send you updates every month and unless its an emergency I won't ask you for anything. Though I'd like you to be present for the sonograms and maybe some of the appointments," she said hopefully.
"Oh, I don't think so!" he snapped. "You think I'd accompany you to anything at the OB's office my wife uses? Are you crazy? Count me out of any and all appointments, I won't go that far, period. I'll agree to e-mail updates, once a month, and no other contact whatsoever unless it's a life or death emergency. Then and only then, you can call my cell phone, do not call my house under any circumstances. Understood?"
"I'll agree to switch OBs, and you agree to both sonograms," Annie pressed. "The rest is fine."
Harm hesitated for a moment. "You switch to an OB who's not affiliated with Dr. Bradley at all, who's on the far opposite end of town from his office, and if you agree to everything else, I'll agree to the sonograms only, no other appointments."
"Fine," Annie nodded. "I'll use Dr. Cassidy in Baltimore near where I live. You come to two sonograms and I'll e-mail you once per month and only call your cell phone if there's an emergency. Those are agreeable terms." She held out her hand, "Do we have a deal, Commander?"
He started to reach for her hand, but stopped short. "Almost" he said. "We forgot one thing."
"Which is?"
"Are you expecting me to be there for the delivery, considering we won't even know until afterwards if the baby is mine? I know it's a ways off, but we're setting this all straight here and now."
"I would like it, but I won't put it in the list of demands," Annie said. "I think it would be best, we can determine paternity minutes after birth."
"Well, don't expect me to be there," he said. "I have no intention of letting Sarah know about any of this, so it'd be a little difficult for me to be there for the delivery. I want to know when you go into labor, though, that's something you can call my cell phone for when the time comes. As soon as possible, I want that test run and I want to see the results for myself, either way."
"All right," Annie agreed. "I'll accept that for now and hope you change your mind." She rose from the table and extended her hand again. "Do we have a deal now?"
Slowly, apprehensively, he shook her hand. "Just because I'm agreeing to these things here tonight doesn't mean that I'm taking everything about this at face value, you better remember that."
Harm took his time driving home from D.C. He had a lot to think about and needed to clear his mind before he got back to Mac and the kids. If he was tense she'd sense it right away. It was after eleven o'clock when he pulled into the drive.
0419 ZULU
Rabb Residence
ManassasVA
He put his key in the lock and opened the door. The TV was on but instead of seeing Mac on the sofa he saw Lucy.
"Hi, Daddy," she greeted.
"Hi, Button," he said softly. "Were you a good girl for mommy?"
"Yes," she replied and turned back to the show. "You're late. It's 23:19."
"Just like her mother," he thought to himself. "I know, sweetie, I'm sorry. Daddy's meeting took longer than he thought it would. Where's mommy?"
"I think she's in your room. She had to put DJ in the bed cause he wouldn't go. Then she said that her back had a booboo and went and took down the orange bottle. Then she lied down and that's it. It was 2204 or 05," Lucy told him.
"Okay," he said. "It's way past your bedtime, so why don't you go brush your teeth and get Pooh bear and I'll come tuck you in after I check on Mommy and DJ."
"I all ready brushed my teeth," Lucy told him. "Mommy made me."
He smiled. "Good girl, go ahead and get in bed with Pooh bear and I'll be in in just a few minutes."
"Okay," Lucy slipped off the sofa and turned off the TV and scampered off to bed with enthusiasm only a five year old could show to the effort.
Harm kicked his shoes off and walked down the hallway towards the master bedroom. He stopped when he got to the open door and looked in on his wife and son. DJ had taken his half of the bed right out of the middle, leaving Mac only a couple of feet on the left side. Both were sound asleep, but it was clear the youngster was sleeping far more comfortably than his mother. She was hurting, even in her sleep, and that cut Harm straight to the core.
Walking in quietly, Harm went around to his side of the bed so he could reach DJ without leaning over Mac. DJ was one of those kids who, if awakened early, took hours to get back to sleep. Harm slid his hands underneath the boy and lifted him up slowly, hoping he'd remain asleep, for everyone's sake. The child stirred just a little as Harm drew him close, but he didn't wake up. He walked slowly and carefully, looking around for anything he may trip over between their room and DJ's.
"Success," whispered Harm to himself as he laid the soundly sleeping boy lightly into his toddler bed. "Sleep well, little sailor," he said, kissing his own fingers and placing them upon the tot's forehead. "I love you." From there, he headed to Lucy's room.
"You sleepy, Button?" he asked her as he sat upon the edge of her bed, pulling her quilt up a little higher.
"Yeah," she replied quietly. "It's 23:37."
"I know, Lucy Bear," said Harm. "I'm sorry I got home so late, but I'm very happy that you were a good girl for Mommy."
"She's sick again, isn't she, Daddy?"
Harm knew better than to try and put anything over on his daughter, she was too much like Mac.
"Yeah, Luce," he answered. "She's sick, but don't be scared, she's going to be just fine, okay?"
"Okay," replied the weary little girl. "I don't like it when she's sick, it makes me sad."
"I know," said Harm. "It makes me sad, too. Remember what we talked about though, about how you can help Mommy when she's sick by being a good girl and helping Daddy take care of DJ?"
Lucy nodded. "I tried to get DJ to go to his bed tonight, but he wouldn't go."
"It's Okay, sweetie," said Harm, brushing her hair away from her forehead. "It was very nice of you to try and help like that, I know that made Mommy very proud of you, just like I'm proud of you."
"Can I please go to sleep now?" she asked through a big yawn, "I'm really sleepy."
"Of course, Button," said Harm, leaning down to kiss his little girl. "Sweet dreams, I love you."
"Love you," she mumbled, already drifting into dreamland. Harm stood up and turned her lamp off before heading back to the master bedroom.
Harm sat down on the edge of the bed to remove his socks and pants, trying not to shift too much so he wouldn't disturb Mac's rest.
"Hey sailor," she said wearily as she noticed the bed was moving just a little. "Did you just get back?"
"I've been back for a little bit," he replied. "I had to chase Lucy to bed and evict our son from my space."
"Yeah," she said, rolling over carefully to avoid moving her back the wrong way. "He wanted nothing to do with his own bed earlier and I wasn't up to fighting him over it, so we just came in here."
"Did you know that Lucy was watching Rugrats until 2300?" he asked.
Mac sighed. "No, but it doesn't surprise me. I didn't intend to fall asleep back here, I was only planning to lay with DJ until he zonked, then I was going to put pillows all around him and leave him until you got back and could get him into the his own bed. Was Lucy upset that I left her out there by herself for so long?"
"She wasn't but I was," Harm replied. "You should have called me Mac."
"Why? I was fine," she said. "Really. I was obviously more tired than I realized, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. Besides, you were an hour away and I didn't think you'd be gone this long, so by the time I could have called you, you would've been on the way home anyway, or so I thought. What took so long, anyway?"
"It was a uh...it's not a big deal, it just took us a bit longer to get to the point than I thought," he sighed. "And I was in a pretty bad mood when I left so I took the long way home, which I wouldn't have done if you had called me and told me you were having pain."
"I wasn't having pain," she said. "I'm fine. I just wondered why you were gone so long is all."
"Let's see," he stood up and walked over to her. "You have your knees pulled up, your hand is on your stomach, and there's a bottle of oxycotin beside the bed. Care to change your plea, Colonel?" he asked. Then leaned over to kiss her, "I'm sorry I took so long."
Mac groaned. He'd found her out, seen right through her hollow attempt to fool him. "It's okay, honest. I was hurting a bit earlier from battling with DJ, but once I lay down and took a pill, it got a lot better. I'm glad you're here now, though."
"What can I do?" he asked her stroking her cheek. She was so beautiful, so vulnerable, but he liked that. She was the strong Marine so often; it was nice that she let him take care of her sometimes.
"Mmm..." she said. "You can get into bed and let me lay with my back against your chest, that usually helps take the edge off."
"You want me to massage it for you or just hold you?" he asked. Her answer would tell him to what degree she was in pain.
"Just hold me, sweetie," she answered. "Just being in that position will help a lot."
"Okay," he replied and moved to his side of the bed after deciding Mac was telling the truth. He removed his shirt leaving his undershirt and boxers on as he climbed into bed. He slipped his arms around her and let her bolster her back against his chest. With one hand he stroked her hair. "You are so beautiful. How did I get so lucky? A gorgeous wife, two beautiful children..."
"Mmmm...They are beautiful, aren't they?" asked Mac as she relaxed every muscle in her body and leaned against her husband. "I hope our efforts to have another one will pay off. I really feel in my heart that they will. What about you?"
"It's not the conception so much, I mean there are other means," Harm replied. "It's..." He stopped and hugged her tighter inhaling the scent of her hair.
She sighed in his arms, feeling safer there than anyplace else.
"It's the pregnancy," she said, knowing what his biggest fear was. "I know that scares you, I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me a little, but I'm not too scared to give it a try, and the fact that you're willing to agree to trying again just...God Harm, it..." He felt her begin to cry happily.
"Mac?" Harm was not sure if those were happy tears, but he had a feeling they were. Still he began to rock her while he awaited confirmation. "Are those happy tears, Honey?"
"Yes," she said. "Very happy. I'm asking you to take a huge leap of faith, and you're doing it even though your heart isn't so sure."
"I love you Sarah, and if I have to work extra hard or hire nurses for you whatever...I'll do it as long as you are happy and as long as I...as long as you stay with me," he kissed her hair again. "If I lost you, if you ever left me, I wouldn't be able to go on."
"Harm, I'd never leave you!" she exclaimed. "Why would you ever worry about that? You're my soul mate, you're my whole life, I'd never leave you, never."
"If something happened to you, if I did something to cause it, you might and...God, Sarah...I pray I'm wrong, but I...I just love you so much." He squeezed even harder.
"I love you, too Harm," she said. "More than I've loved another man in my entire life. Where is this...sudden fear of losing me coming from? Are you feeling okay?"
Mac didn't realize that Harm had a double meaning. He was not only fearing her death at the hands of a bad pregnancy, but fearing her finding out about Annie. He couldn't help but stiffen as he thought of the night's events and how he was letting thoughts of loss over shadow these precious moments with his wife.
He shook his head, "No, I'm not. I have this pain," he put a hand over his heart. "Right here and it won't go away."
"Oh, Sweetie," she replied, rolling over carefully to face him, seeing the pain in his eyes. "You're really afraid of losing, me, aren't you? I mean, this isn't just a passing comment, this is really tearing you apart, isn't it?" She placed her hand over his atop his heart, intertwining her fingers with his.
"Oh, Sarah," he sighed. "I have nightmares about you bleeding to death in a cold sterile bathroom. Sometimes there's a baby with you, sometimes not, but I'm never with you. You're calling me, begging me and, I'm in bed in the next room but...I'm with another woman and I can't get up to get to you until it's too late. Then I see you in that bloody white robe, looking down at your body, looking at me and asking me how I could do that to you. I can't stop those dreams and this trying talk is making it...I think about it and I can't breathe." His breathing is getting shallower as he outlines his fear and in a round about way, confesses his sin.
"Don't you see, sweetheart," she asked as she continued to look him in the eye. "This is all coming from the other night, from the trauma your mind went through? That's all it is, and I think once you can accept that and work past it, the nightmares will stop."
Harm only wished that were the truth. A huge part of him wanted to confess to her and beg her forgiveness and absolution for failing her, but more of him was consumed with fear that she just might not be so forgiving this time.
"We'll get past it," she said. "I know we will. Once we start trying to conceive again, that'll provide you with a different place to focus your energies and thoughts, and I bet you'll find the nightmares will stop. I mean, think about it sweetie, how totally absorbed must your heart and mind be in what happened Friday night for you to see it happening again in your dreams while you're sleeping with another woman? You've got to let this go, it's getting out of control."
"I know I have to," he sighed and squeezed her hand. "But...remember after I had to go to the Henry on that investigation and I was trying to get home to you and the kids, cause I think Lucy had a really bad flu. I flew through that storm and had to punch out? Do you remember that?" Harm asked, all ready knowing the answer but wanting to prove a point.
"I do," she resigned.
"Well, remember after they pulled me out of the water and I got back on my feet, do you remember how long, how many nights sleep we both lost to your screams at the memory of seeing me like that?" he asked.
"Too many," she replied. "That's why I'm saying that we need to work at it and somehow get past this before we end up there again, before we have dozens more nights like then and like now."
"I just need some more time, and I was not comforted in the least by what Dr. Bradley said today," he told her lifting her hand to his lips. "And then, after we get home, we should have been helping each other, and instead we were ripping each other to shreds."
"Yeah, we were," agreed Mac. "But in the end I think it turned out okay. I think even though we both said a lot of things we didn't mean, we also said some things that we did mean, that had been on our hearts for awhile and we'd just been afraid to say them."
"I don't think I meant anything that I said, at least none of the bad things," he replied. "Why? What did you mean?"
Harm felt his defenses kick in not sure what she meant by "some things they did mean." Had he done or said something that she felt was insensitive? Was he acting selfishly? He wanted to know, he wanted to fix it, or at least fix the things he'd done that she knew about.
"Never mind," he told her, reaching with his free hand to trace the dark circles under her eyes. "You're so tired. Let's forget about everything for now and try to sleep. We've got to meet our new CO in the morning."
Mac nodded and yawned. "You think you'll be able to sleep now? You feel any better?"
"I think that it may be awhile before I can sleep without seeing you on that floor, Sarah," he replied truthfully. "But still I'd like to try as long as you promise we can hold each other all night long."
"Of course we can," she answered, laying with her back nestled close to his chest once more. "I never want it any other way."
Mac settled down next to Harm her back to his chest, his long arm draped over her waist. He kept his other arm underneath her head and kept his lips on the back of her neck, occasionally kissing her soft skin, until he fell asleep.
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