See Chapter One for Notes and Disclaimers.
2234 ZULU
Sarah Rabb's Farmbouse
Bellesville, PA
Harm arrived at the Philadelphia Navy Yard and disposed of the case with very little difficulty. As it turned out, a young civilian had tried to snag herself a sailor and when she was rejected she filed a complaint with local authorities. Harm had interviewed her and managed to convince her that federal prison was not a very nice place to be, and she recanted her statement with deepest apologies. It took another day to wrap up the paper work, but by late Wednesday afternoon, Harm was listed as on leave until Monday and he was heading off to see Grams.
It was nearly dinner time of Wednesday night when Grams heard a knock at her door. "Why won't they just go away?" she wondered of her neighbors who had been stopping by regularly since she'd been home from the hospital.
"Who is it?" she called through the old door.
"Grams, it's me, Harm," he answered.
"Harm!" she exclaimed excitedly. She opened the door to reveal her grandson alone and in uniform. "Oh, it's just you?"
"Yeah, I'm here on a case" he said, giving her a hug. "Sorry the family couldn't come, but they send their love."
"Well, come on in," she invited and moved out of the way so he could enter. "Is the case over? Can you stay the night?"
"I sure can," he said, knowing he'd just made the elderly woman's night. "How are you feeling? Mom said you had a rough patch there recently."
"I'm fine," she replied. "I'm just old. Now sit down and let me get you something to eat. What do you want? Pancakes, a sandwich?"
"Got any of my favorite apple pie in all the world?" he asked her as he tossed his cover on the end table and unbuttoned his jacket.
"I sure do," she replied. "I made myself one yesterday." She moved to the fridge and took out the pie. "So how's Sarah and the children. Trish said Lucy was sick." She took a knife and cut Harm a slice of pie.
"They're good," he answered. "Lucy had a little bug over the weekend but she's fine now. DJ's, well, he's DJ, and Sarah is...doing okay." He loosened his necktie and undid his top two buttons.
"Very good," she praised. "You almost convinced me. Your grandfather always did that," she referred to him unbuttoning his collar. "When he was worried. You said the case is over so..." She handed him his slice of pie and sat down across from his with her own.
He sighed and shook his head, smiling at his own foolishness in thinking he could pull anything over on Grams.
"You know me too well," he said as he took the pie from her. He looked at it on the plate as he spoke. "She's...really not doing too hot right now Grams, and neither am I."
"What's wrong, Harmon?" she asked. "You can tell me anything and I'll try and help you know that." Sarah knew her grandson, she knew something was hurting him and badly, she knew he was troubled by the lines on his face and dark circles under his eyes. "Tell me what has you up at night."
"You know about her condition, her endometriosis," he said, fidgeting with the fork against the pie. "She did better for a little while after her surgery a few months back, but lately things have taken a turn in the wrong direction again. She's in pain a lot more than she should be, it's rough."
She nodded sympathetically, "Are you there for her when she's having this pain?" she asked all ready knowing the answer.
"As much as I can be," he answered, finally taking a bite of the pie. "Mmmm, delicious as ever, Grams."
"Thank you," she smiled. "So if you're there for her, what more can you do? Unless that's not all."
"That's plenty, trust me," he said. "But it's not all." He leaned back in his chair and took a long, deep breath before he continued. "Back in August, I went to Mexico, you know, TAD."
"Okay," she mirrored his movement. "Did something happen to Sarah while you were there? Is that what's wrong? You think you failed her?"
"No...well, yes..." he sighed again. "God, you're going to hate me, Grams."
She reached out and covered his hand with hers, "I could never hate you, Honey. Whatever it is, I'm sure you're mind is making it seem worse than it actually is."
"I don't think that's possible," he said. "It's about as bad as it gets."
"What happened, Honey?" she asked him. "Did you talk it over with Sarah?"
He shook his head and set the plate of pie on the table next to his cover. "I want to, I mean, I need to, I just...can't."
"You told me you could tell her anything," Grams reminded him. "What's so bad that you can't tell the woman you love?"
He forced himself to look his grandmother in the eye. "That in Mexico I slept with another woman."
Sarah wanted to think her grandson was joking but the look in his eyes told her he was telling her the real and painful truth. "Oh, Harmon," was all she said.
"You've got to believe me when I say I didn't mean for it to happen," he said. "In fact, I'm still not entirely sure what happened. All I know is I ran into an ex-girlfriend down there, we had a few drinks, and the next thing I know it's the following morning and I'm in bed with her, wishing I could turn back time and completely undo everything I'd done."
"Do you know for certain you actually slept with her? Maybe you fell asleep before you actually, finished the job," she suggested and prayed he would say it was possible.
"I'm pretty sure, Grams," Harm replied.
She nodded, "Who was it? Which ex-girlfriend? Not Diane."
"No," Harm sighed. "It was Annie."
"Annie. Annie. Annie," she repeated the name several times. "That sounds..oh no. Harm, tell me its not the neurotic woman with the boy you dated before you got you head out of your six and married Sarah."
"'Fraid so," he answered, reaching for the pie. He wasn't hungry, but there was something about Grams cooking that was so comforting to him.
"So what now?" she asked. "You slept with this Annie, and you went home and then what? You started lying to Sarah? You're not like that Harmon. This happened to some degree once before and you went home that night and told her the truth. Why not this time?"
He swallowed the bite of pie in his mouth. "I felt so horribly guilty. After the last time, I promised Mac that I'd never do that again, ever, and I broke that promise. How do you find the words to tell the person you love most in the world that you did something so terrible? Couple that with her illness and how difficult a time she's had with that lately, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her."
"So, you sleep with another woman, lie about it, and still claim that you love her?" Sarah outlined. "Just so I have this straight. Answer me this, when you had that little incident with Maggy or Meg whatever her name was, and you told Sarah, how did you see her?"
"I saw her as my wife," he answered, fumbling with the end of his necktie. "My wife whom I stupidly betrayed and whom I hurt and whom I loved very much."
"You saw her that way," Sarah replied. "And you told her what happened. Why?"
"Because I wanted to make things right again," he said. "I screwed up big time, and I'd done something I never should have done for reasons that never should have mattered to begin with, and I felt the best thing to do was to fess up and take whatever she threw at me."
"What reasons?" she pressed, rising to pour him a cup of coffee.
He shook his head at the thought of the events that led to what happened with Meg. "I was angry with her over some stuff about her ex-husband, stupid stuff that she and I weren't seeing eye-to-eye on, and in what was my single weakest and incredibly insane and downright inexcusable moment to date, I decided I should 'get even' with Mac by doing what I did with Meg. As soon as I started to do that, I felt like slime, like no one in the world was a more horrible person than I was. I drove home in tears, Grams. I had to pull over twice on account of I couldn't see where I was driving I was crying so hard. When I finally got there, I ran inside and I just grabbed Sarah and cried my head off. She was scared to death, she had no idea what had happened. I managed, eventually, to get it out, and then I wasn't the only one crying. Oh, it just tore her heart out. I couldn't do that to her again, not now."
"What did she do when she told her?" Sarah asked him.
"She cried," he said again. "A lot. She yelled some, and then...she put her arms around me and...said she wanted to forgive me." He took a deep breath to squelch the emotions he felt rising within him. "I told her I didn't deserve her forgiveness that quickly. She said it wouldn't come quickly, that we needed some help with everything, but that she wanted to reach a point where she could really forgive me for it and we did. It took 6 months of therapy and a lot of work, but we got there."
"So what's different about now?" Grams asked. "Then you hadn't been married six months, now you've had six years, two babies, and a long list of happy and sad occasions. You have more invested in each now than then, so why did you choose to lie this time? What's different now? How is Sarah different now?" she asked.
"It's not that she's different," he said. "I mean, she is but that's not why I haven't told her. I'm different, I guess. I'm different in that last time all I could think to do was get to her as fast as I could and tell her what a sick mistake I'd made and hope and pray we could somehow work things out. This time, all I could think to do was find a way to deal with it myself and keep the guilt on my own shoulders and spare her any more pain. I know what she'd think if I told her. She'd think that I did what I did with Annie because I hadn't been getting enough, um, 'attention' at home because of her illness, and that's just flat not true. There's no excuse for what I did, absolutely none, but this much is certain, it's totally my fault. Sarah had nothing to do with it and I don't want her to feel that she did, in any way, shape or form."
"So you're living with this thing hanging over your head," Grams sighed. "You look like Hell, you're probably not sleeping enough, and I'm certain Sarah's noticed. She's not stupid."
"No, she's not stupid at all," he agreed, taking a sip of coffee. "She's noticed. She said I've been 'different' towards her since I got back from that TAD to Mexico, and she's right. She asked me the other night what it was that happened there, what I saw or who I saw that caused such a change in me. I told her a half-truth, which of course made me feel even worse than if I hadn't told her anything at all."
"I understand," Grams sighed. "Harmon, why do you think you slept with this Annie and don't blame the liquor. What was going on inside you when you were wherever you were?"
He shook his head again. "I was depressed," he said. "Over things at home, over her illness rearing its ugly head again and robbing us of what we'd just finally gotten back. I felt like I should have been able to help her more than I was able to; like just being there for her when she was hurting and taking care of the kids when she couldn't move, I knew those things were important, but...I wanted to do more, I still do, but there's not much more I can do. I hate not being able to fix things, and that was - is - something I don't have the power to fix. Still, none of that excuses what happened with Annie. Truth of the matter is I let myself be duped by her and I never, ever should have, no matter what may have been on my mind at the time."
"Well, at least it's in the past," Grams sighed. "Now you have to find a way to move on and the best way to do that is to tell your wife the truth."
"It's not in the past, Grams," he said. "I haven't told you everything."
"Don't tell you caught something from her?" Grams sighed. "I thought you'd at least be responsible while you were being an inconsiderate ass."
"I deserve that," he said. "'Inconsiderate ass' pretty much describes what I was and what I've been since then. No, I didn't catch anything from her, but...she...I...she got pregnant."
"You have gotten yourself into a very deep hole, Harmon. Is this baby yours?" she asked him.
"She claims it is," he answered, unbuttoning a sleeve on his shirt so he could roll it up a bit. "She had me meet with her one evening last week, without Mac, and she said she was about two months pregnant and that it meant the baby was conceived in Mexico and thus it had to be mine. I'm not convinced, though, not by a long shot. Too much reasonable doubt for my mind to accept it as she's trying to throw it at me."
"Until you know you have to assume the child is yours," Grams replied. "And you have to tell Sarah the truth."
"Yeah, I can hear it now," he said, his voice filled with sarcasm for the first time all evening. "Mac, sweetheart, I love you more than I love anyone else in the world, but while I was away on business, I ran into the one ex-girlfriend of mine you probably hate more than any of the others, I got trashed and ended up in bed with her. Oh yeah, if that's not enough to break your heart and make you hate me forever, she's pregnant and swears the baby is mine." He dropped his head into his hands. "I...I just don't know how to tell her."
"Try taking the sarcasm out of that last speech, young man," Sarah snapped. "And maybe I'll help you."
"I'm sorry, Grams." he said. "I'm just so...scared. It's not like I'd be asking for a second chance, this would be a third chance and let's face it, no woman should have to give her husband a third chance to prove his faithfulness to her. I messed up big time, I know I did."
"Then tell her that," Sarah replied. "Tell her you made a stupid mistake, that in your pain and guilt over not being able to help her when she needed you, you lost your way. Tell her that you slept with Annie, under the influence, and tell her why you lied to her. Tell her how scared you are, and most of all, tell her you love her and that she's your world. It won't justify what you've done, nothing will, but I know you are telling me the truth when you say that she's your life, I know because that's how your father looked when he told me he'd found your mother." She rose and brought him the cordless phone, "Call her now and tell her you'll be home tomorrow. Tell her you have something you need to talk to her about. That way," she sighed. "You can't chicken out. I'll go make up your room."
He took the phone from her. He didn't like her advice, but he knew she was right. He had to tell Mac and he had to tell her soon. "Okay," he said. "I'll give her a quick call and then I'm going to call it a night."
"Good, you need the sleep," she replied. "I'll get your bed ready."
Harm dialed the number to his home and waited as it rang, once, twice, three times until Mac's tired voice came on the phone. "Hello."
"Hey, baby," he said, hoping she didn't sense the anguish in his voice. "How are you?"
"Tired," she replied. She didn't want to have to tell him the rest if she could avoid it so she shifted the focus to him. "How are you? You don't sound so good?"
So much for her not noticing. "I'm wiped out," he said. "Been a busy few days, but I'm at Grams now, going to stay the night here with her."
"How's she doing?" Mac asked. "Ow, DJ, don't kick Mommy," Mac scolded.
"She's great," he answered. "She looks...older, I think. Older, but still as pretty as ever. How did DJ end up in bed with you?"
"He was a very fussy boy tonight," she replied. "He didn't get what he wanted."
"Which was what?" he asked, feeling badly that he wasn't there to help with the kids.
"Oh, Harm, I'm sorry," she sighed knowing her response would hurt him. "He wanted you tonight. Mommy's just not good enough. So I thought once Lucy was asleep I would rock him, but that didn't work out so well and I had to lie down so here we are."
"Oh, Mac, I'm sorry" he said. "He gets like that sometimes, I just wish he - wait, you had to lie down? How come?"
She didn't answer, "When are you coming home?"
"Tomorrow night," he said. "Should be there by 1900. You didn't answer my question. Are you in pain again, baby?"
"Mmhmm," she replied then scolded their son again. "DJ, stop kicking Mommy. That's an order."
"I'm sorry, baby," he said. "I wish I was there to help you. How bad is it? You're not bleeding, are you?"
"No," she replied. "I had a check up at Dr. Bradley's today that's all. It wasn't like last time, but I'm still pretty sore. He says I'm healing very well from the miscarriage and we talked about starting fertility pills."
"Fertility pills?" he asked. "I didn't know that was anything you were considering. I thought we'd just try like we always did and see what came of it."
"So did I, but my periods are so irregular and the longer we wait to conceive, the harder it will be," she replied. "The pills will at least keep it natural, no frozen pops or test tubes."
"Okay," he said. "I guess as long as you're okay with taking the drugs, I won't object. How much longer did he say we needed to wait?"
"About a month," she replied. "I didn't mention our little celebration last week however."
Harm smiled at the memory of that wonderfully romantic night. "Probably a good idea" he said, "I know he would've flipped his lid over that little revelation."
"Probably," she replied, her voice going up a bit at the end.
"What? What's wrong?" he asked, instant worry eating away at him.
She took a deep breath, "It hurts. I'll be okay, just talk to me about something for a minute."
"Okay," he said. "What should we talk about?"
"Tell me what you'd do if you were here," she told him, her voice holding a hint of tears she didn't want to shed in front of their son.
"First I'd get your pillow for you," he began. "So you could put your legs up. Do you have your legs elevated?"
"Hard to do with your son on top of me," she replied.
"Ouch," said Harm as he imagined the pain she was in with their son laying on top of her. "Okay then," said Harm. "First off, I'd move DJ, at least enough to get him off of your stomach. Then I'd get your pillows and try to make you comfy. Then I'd get the heating pad and put it wherever you wanted me to."
"Well, there's on thing you can do for me from there," she told him. "You can get DJ off me."
"Why didn't he think of that himself," he wondered. "You're right, I can. Put him on, babe," he said.
"DJ, Daddy wants to say hi," Mac told their son and put the phone to his ear. "Daddy!"
"Hi, buddy," said Harm. "Are you being a good boy for mommy?"
"Yes," he answered. "Mommy bed."
"I know you're in Mommy's bed," said Harm. "But you need to be in your bed. Can you be my big boy and go get in your bed?"
"DJ help," he replied. "Mommy ow."
Harm took a deep breath as he realized what DJ was doing. "I'm so proud of you for trying to help Mommy like that, Buddy, but you'll make mommy's 'ow' go away even faster if you show her what a big boy you are by getting in your bed. Can you do that for me, please?"
"Okay," DJ replied. "DJ bed now. Bye."
"Bye, son" said Harm with a little smile.
Mac took the phone back, "That was amazing as always. Thank you. Considering it's your fault," she teased.
"Oh, it's my fault, huh?" he asked, trying to focus on the joke she was making instead of the truth in her words. It was his fault for not being there, and he felt terrible about it.
"Yes, you told them to take care of me, didn't you?" she asked.
"I sure did," he replied. "How're they doing with that, anyway?"
"Overdoing it a little," Mac replied. "Lucy wrapped me in so many blankets last night I broke a sweat and DJ keeps hugging me which is fine but not when he decided to do it at 3 in the morning."
He couldn't help but chuckle. "I'm sorry, babe. They mean well, you know they do."
"I know," she sighed. "Oh," she couldn't stifle that little moan. She breathe deep again.
You okay?" he asked in a semi-panic. "Talk to me, Mac. Is it bad?"
"Nothing I can't handle," she replied. "Tell me more. Just keep talking."
"Grams was a little disappointed that I came alone," said Harm. "She really wants to see you and the kids."
"We can go up over Veterans weekend. I'd like to see her," she sighed. "I wish I was there right now."
"I wish you were here right now, too" he replied, meaning it in oh so many ways. "I'll be sure to tell her we'll all come see her soon; she'll be thrilled."
"I'm glad," she sighed. "I should have cancelled and waited until you were home before we went to the doctor."
"Yeah, maybe that would've been a better plan," he agreed. "But it doesn't matter now. Have you taken your pills yet?"
"No," she replied, her voice catching on a sob she couldn't hold back.
"Hey, hey," he said as he tried to calm her from afar. "Why haven't you taken them? You know how much they help."
"I can't," she replied feeling sick and stupid, and completely alone. She also felt for him though, knowing how badly he was feeling at not being there.
"Why?" he asked. "I know you haven't run out. Did the doctor tell you not to take them?"
"No," she replied. "They're in the bathroom. And my spares are in my purse."
Again, he sighed, feeling helpless. That is, until... "Hey, babe, is Colleen around you anywhere?"
"Yeah, I think she's on her blanket," Mac replied. "Why?"
"Tell her to go get your purse" said Harm.
"Harm, she's a dog," Mac laughed in spite of her pain. "I'll try it. Colleen! Colleen, come here."
The loyal pup immediately appeared at her mistress's side. Mac patted her head, "Get my purse. Get my purse," she told the dog.
To Mac's surprise the dog turned, went to her purse hanging on the hook where it always was and brought the bag to her. "Good girl," she praised. "How did you...Did you teach her to do that?"
"Yeah," admitted Harm, thrilled that the dog had retained the little lesson from a few months prior. "Thought it might be a good thing for her to learn, you know?"
"It was," she replied popping a double dosage of the pills. "We have to have a talk when you get home, Sailor."
Her words reminded him of the reason he called in the first place. "Okay," he said. "What about?"
"I'd rather wait until you get home," she replied.
"Oh, alright" he said, knowing not to press her for any more information in her current state. "I actually called to tell you that we needed to talk when I get home, too."
"About what?" It was her turn to ask him.
"Just a few things that have been on my mind," he said. "Don't lose any sleep over it; we'll talk everything over when I get home, okay?"
"Listen, I'm going to go," she sighed. "I'm in a lot of pain and I want to try and sleep."
"A lot of pain? You said a few minutes ago it wasn't bad." he noted, growing more concerned for her as the moments went by.
"I lied," she sighed. "But I have my medicine now. It'll go away. I wish you were here though."
"I wish I was there, too, baby" he said. "You get some sleep, I'll see you around 1900 tomorrow, and I'll call if that changes much, okay?"
"Okay, I love you," she whispered as she felt the pills start to work. She'd taken two.
"I love you, too" he replied. "Goodnight, Mac."
"Night," she replied and ended the call.
Harm turned the phone off, set it on the table and headed upstairs for the night.