Standard Disclaimers apply
Mac was so excited about Harm coming home. He'd only been gone for a few days, but they were long days and she really missed him. Things at work had kept her crazy busy, and keeping the household running by herself, while it was a job she adored more than any other she'd ever had, was just a bit tougher than it used to be.
She'd gotten home a little later than usual that night on account of a last-minute briefing by another of the SecNav's advisors. Mac didn't really like this other advisor, but she had to work with the guy so she tried to tolerate him. He was notorious for these last-minute things, seeing as how he was single and had no one waiting for him to pick them up from day care and fix them dinner. By the time Mac got the kids and made it home, it was nearly 1830 and everyone was tired and hungry. Nights like these she was glad to have one of Harm's homemade lasagnas in the freezer.
She tossed it in the oven, and went to check the message machine. There was only one message from Harm saying he's be at least two hours late. At least that gave her time to get changed into some comfy clothes and then give the kids an early bath. Once they were in their jammies, dinner was ready and they sat down to a wholesome meal. Afterwards, Mac spent a little time reading to them, each child choosing two books, and then it was time for brushing teeth and heading for bed.
Mac retreated to the master bedroom, wanting to tidy it up a touch before he arrived. She gathered her laundry from the week, which she'd allowed to pile up on the floor near her closet, and sorted it into the hampers. She hung fresh bath towels on the bar above the toilet and made sure everything on the counter was as it should be.
The new mirror looked nice. They'd had it replaced the previous week; and it was almost identical to the one that had been broken on the receiving end of Harm's meltdown over what'd happened to her. Deciding all looked satisfactory; she moved back into the bedroom and gave the bed a studied glance.
"I should change those sheets," she said to herself. Harm usually did that, but there was no reason he should have to come home and do it after being gone all week. She went to the linen closet and pulled out a fresh set of sheets and carried them to the bedroom, tossing them on the floor as she took to stripping the bed. When she reached the mattress cover she saw that it was stained from Harm's coffee spill the Sunday before he left. She decided to change that as well.
"Maybe this will come clean," she thought to herself. "Maybe not." She tossed it on the floor and when she looked at the bare mattress, she couldn't avoid seeing the blood stain from that awful night a few weeks ago.
"We're going to have to get a new mattress," she sighed. She thought back to that night and all that happened; how it had hurt him so much to see that mess. She shook her head and, deciding he didn't need to see that stain again, she gripped the side of the mattress and began to flip it over. She'd done it by herself in the past, so she knew she could do it, even though it was a bit of a trick getting it in the right place with only two hands.
She managed to get the mattress over so it was lying on the bed horizontally. Once that happened all she had to do was push and pull it until it was in place. It was as she did this that a piece of suntan material caught her eye.
"What the...?" she muttered as she took the fabric in her hand. She slowly unwadded it and held it up to get a better look.
It was one of Harm's shirts she relieved upon examination. One of Harm's uniform shirts with...what was that on his collar? Lipstick?
Her heart dropped to her feet. She stared at the shirt for what seemed like days, paying the most attention to the lipstick on the collar. It wasn't hers; she knew that, which meant only one thing.
She placed the shirt on the bed and quickly walked to the phone to dial the Admiral's number. She was going to have to confront Harm with this and it was not a place for Lucy and DJ to be. He answered the phone on the third ring.
"Chegwidden," said the strong voice on the other end.
"AJ," Mac said into the receiver her voice sounding shaky and weak. "I need a favor."
"What's wrong?" He asked, sensing the anguish in her voice.
"It's nothing," she replied. "I need to talk to Harm about something tonight and I need you to take the children. I, uh...it's something I really don't want to risk them overhearing."
His mind began to race. He knew better than to press Mac for information that she wasn't willing to give. "Okay, sure," he said. "You want me to come pick them up right now?"
"Please, could you do that? I don't mean to worry you but..." She fought to keep from crying. "I'm not feeling very well and I need to talk to my husband and...Please, if its not too much trouble."
"None at all" he assured her. "I'll be there in 20."
"Thank you, AJ," she replied. "I'll have them ready."
"Sounds good" he said, "I'll be right there." With that, he hung up the phone, grabbed his keys and ran out the door.
Mac quickly went to Lucy's room and tapped her little girl's shoulder. "Lucy, wake up, Honey."
"Wha...What, Mommy?" asked the little girl, still mostly asleep.
"You've got to go put your jacket on, Uncle AJ is coming to get you and take you to sleep at his house," Mac replied.
"Are you sick, mommy?" asked Lucy.
Just then the phone rang, but Mac let the machine get it. There had been a message earlier from Harm saying he'd be late, it was probably him again.
"Don't worry about it Lucy," Mac said. "Just get your Pooh and your coat."
"But Mommy," said Lucy. "If you're sick I need to stay here and take care of you. Remember, I made a promise to Daddy?"
"I know, you did, Baby, but Mommy's okay," she told her daughter. "I just have to do something and Uncle AJ said he'd be happy to take you to his house and let you sleep at his house. You like doing that."
"Uh-huh," replied the little girl. "Is DJ coming, too?"
"Yeah," Mac replied. "I'm going to get him up now and put his jacket on. Please listen and do as Mommy asks okay?"
"Okay," said the little girl, grabbing her Pooh bear and heading off to find her jacket.
Mac picked up her sleeping son and put his coat on. The little boy woke up as she manipulated his arms to dress him. The sleepy eyes looked at Mac and chubby arms fastened around her neck, clinging to her.
"Mommy..." he mumbled as he laid his head against her shoulder.
The phone rang again, and Mac checked the ID. It was Harm's cell phone, but she still didn't answer the phone. She let the machine pick up. This time she could hear the message. "Hey, Mac. Where are you? I'm stuck at Lakehurst, so I'll be later, probably 2300 by the time I get to Manassas. I hope everything okay. Call me back."
"It's okay, DJ," Mac hugged the boy. "You're going to play with Uncle AJ."
"AJ?" asked the boy, perking up a little at the mention of his uncle's name.
"Yeah, you're going to sleep at his house tonight," she told him.
"No AJ's house," he said, beginning to cry. "Mommy...Daddy..."
Mac started to rock her son, "You like Uncle AJ," she told DJ. "Mommy has to go bye bye so Uncle AJ is going to watch you. Maybe he'll play boats with you."
"Kay" said the little boy, still obviously sleepy.
Mac held DJ until AJ knocked on the door. Lucy ran to answer it. "Who is it?' she called as he parents had trained her.
"It's your Uncle AJ, Lucy," he replied. "Is your mommy there?"
Lucy played with the locks and opened the door, "Hi, Uncle AJ," she said as he stepped in the house to find Mac rocking a sleepy and fussy DJ.
"Hi, Sweetheart," he said. "Are you ready to come sleep over at my house?"
"Yes," Lucy replied. "I've got my Pooh and my bag Mommy made. I don't think DJ wants to go."
"Is that right?" he asked, walking up to the boy in Mac's arms. "Hey pal, don't you want to come stay with Lucy and me at my house? We can play boats after you wake up in the morning?"
DJ clung to his Mommy, "Mommy. No bye."
"DJ, come on, now," Mac comforted. "Be Mommy's Big Sailor and be good for Uncle AJ."
"If you'll give me your car keys" said AJ, "I'll so switch over the car seats while you hold him a few more minutes."
"Thank you, AJ," she replied. "They're on the table."
AJ took the keys and went to swap over the children's seats while Mac continued rocking her son. The phone rang again, not 5 minutes after it'd rang the last time. "If he knew what was waiting for him..." she thought to herself.
"Mac," Harm said. "Sarah, are you there? Are you okay? Why aren't you answering the phone?" he asked, his voice getting worried. "I know you're there. Pick up. Okay, maybe you're busy. I'm taking off now, I'll see you soon. I love you."
She fought with everything in her not to break down while the kids were still there.
"Mommy, why didn't you answer the phone?" Lucy asked.
"I don't want to upset DJ. I'll call Daddy back in a few minutes and tell him I have to go do something," Mac answered as AJ came back in.
"Are we ready?" he asked.
"Yeah," she replied. "He's going to give you t-r-o-u-b-l-e. I'm sorry." She moved to hand DJ over to AJ. The boy clung tighter and started to squirm and cry.
"Come here, little sailor," he said, taking the distraught boy from his mother. DJ kicked and screamed as he was pulled away from the shoulder he'd been clinging to.
"It's okay, Sweetie," Mac comforted. "You like Uncle AJ's house and you'll see Mommy and Daddy tomorrow. Mommy promises."
"He'll be fine once we get on the road, Mac," assured AJ. "Are you all set, Miss Lucy?"
"Yes, Sir," she declared. "Can we sleep on the big couch again?" she asked picking up her little overnight bag.
"Sure!" he said enthusiastically, "and in the morning, we can make waffles!"
"Have a hug for Mommy, Lucy?" Mac asked dropping to her knees and opening her arms.
"I'll miss you, mommy" said Lucy as she hugged her mother
"I'll miss you too. You be a good girl. And save Mommy some waffles. Uncle AJ makes the best waffles right?"
"He does!" agreed the child. "They're even better than daddy's," she added. "But we won't tell daddy that!"
"No we won't," Mac smiled. "Be a good girl. Help Uncle AJ with your brother." Mac rose and stretched. "Thank you for this AJ."
"Not a problem, Mac," he said. "Call me tomorrow whenever you're ready for them. No hurry, though, I've got nothing planned that I can't do later on."
"This may take a-w-h-i-l-e," she warned him. "Its kind of i-m-p-o-r-t-a-n-t. I'll call you."
"Alright," he said with a nod. "Let's go, kiddos, its way past your bedtime."
With that he started walking to the door. DJ had settled in against his favorite Uncle and Lucy dutifully followed him out to the car.
It was then that Mac let it hit her. She walked back to the bedroom and lifted up the soiled shirt. She'd seen that awful pink before, she knew she had, but she couldn't place it. She didn't want to think Harm could have done this, not again, not after all this time, but she knew in her heart exactly what happened. She put the shirt to the side. She couldn't just leave the bed like that, it would drive her crazy. So she pushed the mattress back on the frame, and made up the bed with fresh linens. Only then did she allow herself the luxury of tears.
Harm arrived home about 2300, as he had said in one of his numerous messages. By the time he got home, his heart was pounding in his chest. He'd called and called and Sarah hadn't answered the phone.
The house was pitch dark as he pulled into the driveway and Mac's car was parked in the usual spot. "That's strange," he thought to himself. "She should have the kitchen lights on for me, she always does."
He opened the door and found no sign of his children in the house. They usually would bolt out of bed as soon as they heard the door open. He walked quietly through the house, listening for sounds of life in the quiet stillness. When he heard his wife's sobs, his heart stopped.
"Mac?" he called out, standing still to hear where the crying was coming from. It didn't take him long to figure it out, and he made a mad dash for the master bedroom. "Mac?" he said again. She didn't answer him, but instead continued to cry. Colleen's ear perked up at the foot of the bed at the sound of Harm's voice. The loyal animal came around the bed and sat at her master's feet. He patted her and instructed, "Go lie down." Then he turned his attention back to Mac.
"Mac?" he called out, standing still to hear where the crying was coming from. It didn't take him long to figure it out, and he made a mad dash for the master bedroom. "Mac?" he said again. She didn't answer him, but instead continued to cry. She was lying on their bed as she had so many times; dress in a Marine green sweat outfit. He arms were crossed in front of her, and her knees were pulled up to her chest, her safe position.
"Baby, what's wrong?" he asked, kneeling beside her as he back was towards him. "You're having pain again, aren't you? I'll get your pills."
"The pills won't help," she mumbled. "Leave me alone."
He stood there, baffled by her words. "I want to help you, Mac," he said, kneeling down beside her again, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Let me get your pills, they'll help."
Through gritted teeth she hissed, "Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!"
Harm jumped back, shocked at his wife's demeanor. "What's wrong with you, Mac?" he asked, his tone shifting. "Where are the kids? What happened?"
"You know damn well what happened!" she shouted rolling out of her curled position and hurling the shirt at him. "Lost at the cleaners, my ass! You better have a damn good explanation for that!"
He caught the shirt as she flung it against his chest. As soon as he saw the color of the fabric, his heart began to pound in his chest. As he opened it up, he felt his stomach do a thousand somersaults, and as he looked upon the lipstick stain on the collar, he felt like the entire world had just crash landed upon his shoulders. "Shit..." he muttered to himself. "Shit."
"Funny," she replied. "I thought you could at least do better than that." She sat down on the bed and pulled her knees up. "If you can't I'd like for you to leave."
There was no backing out of it now, even if he wanted to, which he didn't. He'd intended to come clean that night, and he was going to do just that. "Mac..." he began."I...damn it..." he tossed the shirt on the floor and sat down across from her on the bed.
She started sobbing again, "Damn you. You promised me? Who was she, huh? Someone from the office, Ensign Connors? Lt. Smith?" she guessed. "Or don't you even know."
She knew that last accusation was completely off the mark, he'd never do something like that. He'd have to know the person, have a relationship and understanding with her, which made it hurt even more.
"It's not like that," he said, feeling like the biggest jerk who ever existed. "I'll explain from the beginning, if you'll let me."
"I can't do this in here," she sighed. "I need something to drink." She slid off the bed and started for the kitchen.
With a sigh, he got up and followed her. "You're angry and you have every right to be," he said as she stormed down the hall ahead of him. "There's no excuse for it, Mac, but there is an explanation and you deserve to have it."
"You're damned right I do," she snapped. "How long ago was it Harm?" She poured herself a glass of orange juice with a shaky hand.
"Couple months" he said, his hands on his waist as he looked down at the floor.
"That's what I thought," she sighed. "Mexico?"
He let out a pained sigh. "Yeah."
She sat down, wiping tears off her face. "Tell me."
He took a deep breath and began to speak. "I never meant for it to happen. I'd ask you to please believe me, but I don't have the right to do that. I...it...damn it, I can't put it any other way. I was stupid. I was depressed. I felt like I should have been able to take away the pain you were in again with that cursed disease and I couldn't do that. It's no excuse, I know, but it's what I was feeling at the time, what made me let my guard down like a bona fide idiot and..."
"You're blaming this on me?" she asked baffled, not understanding his words. "I can't believe..." Her voice caught as she started crying again.
"No! No, I'm not," he said. "Not at all, Mac - this was not your fault, it wasn't. Blame me, please - I deserve every bit of the blame here, but please, don't take any of it for you," he pleaded. "I wasn't the man I should have been, I didn't handle things with your disease the way I should have on my end, but that has nothing to do with you. Do you hear me?"
"I hear you, and what I hear is you blaming me for your transgression!" she replied.
"No, Mac," he sighed. "It might come across to you that way, but I swear to you that's not what I'm aiming to do. What happened in Mexico, it wasn't your fault at all, period. I let it happen, I kept it from you for 2 months, and I never should have done either. You might not believe this, but I was going to come home and talk to you about this tonight. When I called last night and said we needed to talk, this is what I needed to talk about."
"Well that's very noble of you Harm," she snapped. "But you're avoiding the subject. I want to know what you did. Who you did, or don't you even know?"
"I know who it was," he said. "And vaguely, I know what happened."
"Then stop the bullshit and tell me, Harm!" she demanded. "You said you were going to tell me the truth tonight, so tell me."
He felt like he was going to throw up as he began his story. "I wrapped up my investigation, and I went to the hotel cantina for a beer. I was so down and depressed, I just sat at the bar and moped. Next thing I knew..." He paused; this was going to get ugly. "Next thing I knew, Annie was sitting next to me. We were catching up on old times, sharing a plate of nachos and downing margheritas. I think...I guess we danced for awhile after that, I'm not really sure, but..."
"You made love to her," she finished for him, staring at the glass in her hand, squeezing it so hard it broke in her hand.
"No I didn't," he said, not noticing the broken glass on the table. "There's a difference between making love to someone and just sleeping with them. You're the only one I've ever made love to."
"Don't split hairs, Harm," Mac warned. "Either way, you betrayed me, plain and simple. Having sex, making love, you aren't supposed to do either while you're married. Not unless its with me."
"You're right" he said. "I'm not and I did and I never should have. I don't...I don't even remember it, Mac. Not that being drunk off my ass excuses anything, but I was drunk off my ass. She made sure of that, the ruthless person that she is. she knew I'd never do that if I was sober, and she...she played me and I allowed her to. It was stupid, Mac. So stupid and I'm so sorry."
She finally let go of that broken glass. Her hand was bleeding where it had cracked. Still she just left it palm up on the table, "So far, you've blamed me and you've blamed Annie and you've blamed being drunk, but Harm, you've said it yourself, being drunk is no excuse for what you did. If you had some tangible reason, like before...but this time, you blame depression. Last time it was out of spite, this time, you blame depression. If you felt that badly about what was happening to me, to us, why didn't you say anything to me about it? And worse, once this was done, why didn't you come to me and tell me?" Mac asked. "You never intended to tell me, did you? You were just hoping I'd never find out. That's why you've been so attentive and loving, and here I thought it was because you loved me. I guess you're not the only one who's stupid."
"Oh, God, Mac," he said, finally noticing the cut on her hand and grabbing a towel. "You're not stupid, you're not" he said, reaching out to put the towel on her hand. She grabbed it from him and did it herself. "At first, I wasn't going to tell you because I didn't think you could handle it with as much pain as you'd been having. I was going to keep it to myself and deal with what I did on my own and keep you out of it if at all possible. As time went on, though, I began to think that I needed to tell you because every day that I didn't, I felt a little bit worse. It was slowly destroying me, and... I talked with Grams about it last night, came clean to her, and she said I owed it to you and to our marriage to be honest and to tell you everything. She's right. I was going to tell you tonight, honest to God I was."
She rose from the chair and put the towel next to the sink. "We don't have a marriage," she said in response to his words. She'd stopped hearing him as soon as he said "owed it to our marriage." She never heard his declaration of truth.
"Oh, no," he said softly. "I knew it. I knew..." He became silent and held his breath for fear of falling apart. She was going to leave him, exactly what he'd been so afraid of. "Please, no, Mac" he said, his voice full of every bit of pain in his heart as he looked her in the eye. "I don't want to lose you over this...please..."
"Harm," she sighed and turned to face him. The pain in his eyes pulled at her heart. "I...I know what drinking too much can do, and I know what being depressed can do, but I can't...I can't forgive you for this, not now, maybe not ever. None of that is any excuse for doing what you did, none of it! How do I know that anything you've said since Mexico was true? How do I know I have the whole story now? If I can't trust you, I can't..." She lowered her head and started to cry again. "You promised me."
He wished someone would shake him and awaken him from the nightmare as he looked at his wife, standing there in tears, all because of him. "I have told you the truth since Mexico, Mac, I swear I have," he said. "But...not about everything and you deserve the whole truth, so here it is. I didn't have a meeting with a former client that night I went into DC, I had a meeting with Annie, but it's not what you think. She had something she needed to tell me."
Mac studied Harm's face. She hadn't told him she had some disease, he wouldn't sleep with her again unprotected if Annie had said that. That only left one thing. The day in Dr. Bradley's office came back to her, the look on Annie's face, "She's preg...She's pregnant isn't she?" Mac asked, her voice having lost its edge, its anger. She sounded like a child now, vulnerable, broken, and in incredible pain.
He looked her in the eye. "I'm sorry, Mac." A tear ran down his cheek. "I'm so sorry... God, I'm sorry..."
She tried to speak again. Part of her, the part that knew he was sorry, that he did love her and was aching over this wanted to hold him. But another part, the part that hurt, the part that ached for them to have a child that he'd now share with another woman, wouldn't let her. That part made her cry, made her sob loudly, and made her knees buckle as she fell to the floor.
"Baby..." he said, kneeling down beside her, "I'm..." He put his arms around her to hold her as she cried.
She scampered away from him, "Don't touch me," she ordered, then laughed at herself. "I never thought that I'd ever say that to you. There was never anything that being in your arms couldn't fix," she cried. "But I can't...I want you to leave Harm. I need you to leave. Please."
He wasn't surprised. He figured she'd have thrown him out a half hour ago. He nodded as he began to cry. "Mac...I'm, don't...God, I don't want to lose you...please...I don't want...I don't know what I'll do..."
The tears on his face reached her. She didn't want to lose him either, but she felt she all ready had. She reached out her hand and touched his shoulder, "Its not forever, Harm. I just need room to breathe, to think. We can talk tomorrow when we're both calmer. But please, don't go to AJ's."
"Why not AJ's?" he asked her, tears still falling.
"Because our children are there," she replied. "I'll get your things."
Mac stopped her tears and put Harm's clothing into a suitcase. She packed him one pair of underwear, one pair of socks, and one clean uniform. She wanted him to know she wasn't going to give up, that she needed time. If he thought they were over...the look on his face broke her heart. He looked so lost, and she knew as angry and hurt as she was, she was partially to blame for this. Not for having the disease, and certainly not for what had happened between Harm and Annie, but for holding him at arms length when he wanted nothing more than to comfort her.
By the time she did let him in with their usual communication mechanism gone, the damage had been done. She heard Harm's footsteps as he rose from the sofa where he's sank down once she announced her plan to pack his things. She knew he would put up a harder fight, at least she hoped that he would. "Sarah," he said from the doorway. "I...I don't know how to convince you that..."
"Not now, Harm, please," she said. "I...I can't do this right now."
"When, Sarah?" he pressed. "You said tomorrow, but if you're not ready then...I need to do this now. I've waited too long and I need to know I still have a wife."
"You still have a wife" she said, feeling the tears creeping up again. "You have a wife who loves you and trusted you and damn it Harmon David, how could you do this?" She picked up a pillow from the bed and threw it on the floor. "How could you go there and be with her and then come home and be with me and not tell me? My God, how...how could you..."
"I don't know," he shouted, finally losing the fragile control he'd had. "I don't know. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't hurt you like that. I couldn't protect you from anything else that's happened over the last year, I had to protect you from this...from me."
"From you?" she shouted back, "I shouldn't need protection from you, Harm! You're my husband, you're supposed to protect me from the evils of the world, not become one!"
"Well I guess I failed you in that. All I wanted was to take care of you, from the moment I met you I think, and usually I'd like to say I did a pretty good job of it. But then this...the endometriosis happened and I couldn't protect you, I couldn't help you when you needed me, and I hate that feeling."
"Whoever planted the notion in your head that it's up to you to save the freaking world?" said Mac, her arms and hands illustrating her anger. "Didn't know what the hell they were talking about! You can't protect me from everything, Harm! No one can protect everyone from everything, it just doesn't work that way, but you seem to think that because I got sick, because my body betrayed me, that it's a colossal failure on you as a husband! My endometriosis is no more your fault than it is mine, but the way you chose to handle it, that is all you, Harm, all you!"
"Like Hell," he shot back. "If you'd just let me in...You kept it a secret Sarah, for two months, you kept it a secret and when you admitted it, did I yell at you? Did I berate you? No! I tried to comfort you, and I needed you to comfort me, but no, Miss I'm a Marine had to try to do it all herself, no matter what the consequences to other people!"
"And did you once come to me and say you needed me to comfort you?" she yelled. "No, you didn't! I'd been hit with a bombshell and I was dealing with it the best way I knew how, and I know I shut you out and I hate that I did that, but I did! I didn't want to do it all myself, I just didn't know any other way! I hated that we'd lost something that was so important to us, I hated everything about the entire situation, and I hate that I clammed up and didn't let you in and didn't pay attention to what you were feeling, but... It, it doesn't matter, because regardless the fact remains that you went out and hopped in the sack with that...that whore of an ex of yours and now look where we are!"
Harm backed off with that remark. She was right. They were standing in their bedroom both crying and shouting at each other. They needed time to clear their heads, to think clearly and be rational and that wasn't going to happen tonight. "I see where we are," he replied. "And I agree that now really is not the time to be having this talk. You're tired, and I'm tired and neither of us is feeling that great right now. So, I'll just get my things and go to Bud and Harriet's tonight. But, Sarah, promise me that we can talk tomorrow. Talk, not whatever we've been doing tonight," his tone had softened and the tears he'd stopped shedding were leaking out of his eyes again.
She grabbed the pillow she'd thrown on the floor, sat down hard against the edge of the bed and continued to cry. After a few moments, she found her voice. "We'll talk tomorrow," she said. "Because we have to get through this, somehow and because..." She choked up again, and had to take a few deep breaths. "I refuse to bring our children back into the house as long as we're treating one another like this, and since they have to come back tomorrow, that doesn't give us much time. We'll talk, but..."
"But?" he pressed moving closer to her, wanting to touch her, to show her what he was feeling, because that had always worked in the past.
She looked into his eyes and saw her reflection in his teardrops. "This is bad, Harm. This is really...bad. You're having a..." She lost her voice again, but forced herself to get the words out because she wanted them on his mind as he lay awake in bed that night, as she also no doubt would. "Having a baby with her... How can I...can we...get past that?" Her last words came in a tiny, devastated whimper. Harm reached out his left hand to take her left hand. Somehow, the part of her that was making him leave for the night temporarily lost out to the part, the tiny part, that wanted nothing more than to hold him. She accepted his hand, and as soon as she did, he pulled her closer than he had in ages.
He pulled back a moment later and took her hand and turned it so the palm was up. Then he slid off his wedding band which had been knocked and nicked and damaged through the years, so that the gold was nearly flat on one side.
Mac stared at the ring. "Oh, Harm..." she cried."Ssh," he hushed her. "Our marriage," he told her. "Is like that ring. It's a little bit dented and a little bit bent, but still solid. We'll make it past this, Sarah. I'm not sure how, but we will."
She took the ring between her fingers and, still sobbing, reached out for his left hand. "I want," she choked out. "You to put this back on. We're still married, and...this is the outward sign of that." She slid the ring back where it belonged, where it'd been for six years. "I want you to leave it on. Don't...don't take it off again" she cried. "It hurts too much to see you do that and we're already hurting way too much."
He leaned over then and placed a soul stirring kiss on her lips. "I wasn't going to leave it off, Sarah. I don't want to take it off. I just wanted you to see, that's all."
She nodded, sobbing harder than ever. "Why did this happen to us?"
He backed away then, moving out of her grasp. "Because I failed you Sarah, as a husband and as a friend, but I'll make it up. I swear, on my father's name, I swear I will."
She clung to the pillow and sobbed some more as she heard him walk around the bed and close the suitcase she'd packed for him. He lifted the case from the bed and walked back to her. He didn't touch her again, but he asked softly, "I'll call you in the morning?"
She nodded silently, holding onto his pillow tears still streaming down her face. She stayed that way until she heard him leave, and long after that as she allowed her heart to break in two and her spirit to be immersed in total darkness.