A/N: Once again big hugs and special thanks to Snugglebug for hanging with me. Also thanks to those who have reviewed and who are hanging in there with us. We appreciate it very much and you will all be rewarded. Eventually.
All Disclaimers Apply. For additional Notes see Chapter One.
Bud arrived a while later to pick up DJ, who of course fussed as Mac kissed him goodbye. Truth be told, while Harm was thankful for Bud's intervention so he and Mac could talk, he would miss DJ's well timed interruptions if things got hairy.
Once Bud left with DJ, Harm walked back to the sofa and unceremoniously dropped down. He tried to stifle a groan, but it leaked out anyway.
"Your back hurting?" asked Mac as she took a seat at the opposite end of the couch.
"Yeah," he sighed. "Shoulders too. How about you? You were really in a lot of pain when I was at Grams."
"I'm okay at the moment," she answered. "I was hurting pretty bad when you called Wednesday night, though. I don't know what's going on with all that." She looked down and played with the end of her watchband as she spoke.
"He said it's getting worse," Harm replied. "When is your next appointment?"
"A week from Monday" she answered.
"Can I..." he began, but was unsure how to proceed.
She looked up at him. "Do you want to be there?" she asked, not sure which answer she was hoping for.
"Of course I do," he replied. "I've broken enough of our vows. I want to try and keep that one, the sickness and health one," he answered.
She turned her gaze to the light shining in from the slit between the curtains. "I'm...I just don't know how I feel about that right now. Part of me wants you there, needs you there even. Another part of me just..." She looked back towards him. "I'm so damn confused, it's making me sick."
"I know," he replied. "There's something that's bothering me though," he told her.
"Only one 'something'?" she asked. "Sorry, go ahead."
"When I hugged you, you pulled away..." His eyes asked her why.
She sighed, her attention drifting back to her watchband. "I couldn't get the thoughts of you and...her out of my mind. I'm not sure how long it'll take me to get to the point where I can feel you near me and not think about how she felt when..." She stopped speaking as the tears won out.
"Mac," he began. "I don't know what to do to fix this, to make it better, but you have to believe that I'm sorry. I can't breathe I feel so terrible about this and I..." He sighed. "I just want to go back, I want to go back and undo it all, make it right. I..." He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands.
"You didn't call yet, did you?" asked Mac through her tears. "Commander McCool?"
"No, I'll do that right now," he said and reached for the phone. It rang twice then, "This is Commander Rabb, I'm going to need to set up a consultation with the Lt. Commander." A pause. "Monday at 5?" He looked at Mac for approval.
She nodded, her eyes never meeting his.
"That's fine," he replied. "Thank you." He turned to her, "All done."
"Good," she said, beginning to calm down a bit. She'd, unfortunately, gotten good at crying lately; really good. "Now I've got a question for you."
"Okay," he replied. "I'm all ears."
"You told me everything you remember about Mexico," she began. "You told me how drunk you were and how most of the evening is a blur, but you insist you used a condom. A. - How do you remember that if you were drunk enough to get into that situation, and B. - Please remind me again why you went TAD with one in your wallet? I thought those days ended when we got married."
Harm sighed, "Well, if I may answer question B first," he began. "I've been carrying condoms in my wallet since Dr. Bradley diagnosed you and told us that another baby would be very dangerous and painful for you. If we did make love I wanted you protected," he replied. "Question A, I don't know for sure if I used a condom, but I was convinced I was getting into bed with you and protecting you was something I was obsessed with so..."
"So you're just going on a hunch that you think you probably used one, huh?" she asked quietly.
"It's not a hunch per se. It's a guy thing...It's different with a condom, the level of excitement and that's what it was that night," he explained.
"I thought 'that part' of things was a blur," she said, clearly sickened at the thought that he remembered what he felt as he was making the biggest mistake of his life.
"It was," he replied. "It was blurry enough anyway for me to think...I swear Mac, I saw your face, heard your voice..."
"Please don't do this, Harm," she begged, random tears continuing to fall. "Don't compare me to her. Don't tell me you heard me or saw me or felt me or anything. It's not helping your case a bit. Do you realize..." She quieted her voice and stared into the distance.
"Damn it, Mac!" Harm bit out. "I'm not trying to help my case; I'm trying to tell you the truth. I've been lying too long for my taste and yours."
"You can say that again," she snapped back. "And this is what I mean when I say I'm so confused it's making me sick. Just when we seem to reach a break in this disastrous conversation, one of us says something to piss the other one off and we start acting like this!"
"Okay," he sighed. "We need to take a break. As much as we need to work through this, I have a suggestion to make."
"What?" she asked as she reached for the tissue box.
"We take a break for tonight," he said. "We take a break from talking, you let me get you some dinner, and we just concentrate on Lucy and each other as far as feeling better goes. No more accusations, no more finger pointing, just..." He reached out a tentative hand towards her.
She started to pull away as something completely unexpected came over her. She pushed herself up from the couch, wrapped her arms around him and cried as if her heart was in a million pieces on the floor. She tried to speak, but the words didn't stand a chance against the tears.
Harm felt a mixture of pain and joy. He hurt that she was so miserable, but felt a surge of happiness that she wanted to be in his arms. He started to rock her and whispered soft nonsense sounds to her as she cried until he posed a question, "What is it? What?"
She tried to answer him a few times, but it felt like all the anger, all the shock and all the pain from this situation had come down on her again. She clung to him tight as ever and sobbed until her whole body hurt.
"Sarah," he whispered. "Sarah, Honey, can you tell me what's in your heart right now? You need to let it out, Honey, come on," he prodded gently.
After another moment or so, she was finally able to speak. Without moving away from him, "This...this is all wrong!" she cried. "I'm supposed to hate you and...and I was supposed to kick your ass to the curb last night and tell you to never come back! I'm supposed to be so mad at you that... I'm not supposed to want you this much, but I can't help it, Harm!"
Her words floored him, "I...Mac, I don't understand. What do you mean, want me? You want me to what?"
"I want you to stay..." she cried, head still against his shoulder. "I want...I need you here. I can't let this tear us apart like...God, I feel like I should! I go from being ready to take your head off and throw it at you, to needing you to hold me to wanting to hurt you to - damn it, I...I just don't know what I need. I don't know... I should want you out of my life, but I..." She began to cry intently once again.
"That's why talking to Commander McCool is so important, Mac. She can help us deal with that, but until then, let's deal with things as they come up. What do you want or need right now?" He asked backing up a bit to look at her face.
She looked at his face, desperately trying to give him an answer, but the words once again escaped her.
He tried again, "Mac, please talk to me. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, just please; you scare me when you can't talk to me."
She looked into his eyes, her own still gushing tears. Words seeming to have completely abandoned her, she did the only thing she could think of. She reached up and pulled his lips to hers, very slowly, giving him a chance to back away if he wanted to.
He didn't. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, caress her show her how much he loved her. He took her lips gently, putting every ounce of pain, remorse, and love he felt into it, like he'd always done.
She returned his sweet kiss, determined to keep all thoughts of what they were going through out of it. A small voice in the back of her mind told her this wasn't the way to deal with her feelings. She was supposed to be so angry at him she could spit nails. Her brain knew that and in fact was that angry at him, but her heart was another matter.
Harm let his heart lead him and of their own accord the hands he's kept on her back slid up and ran down her arms. He was unsure of what she wanted here, but whatever it was he'd do it. "Sarah?" he questioned and waited.
"What?" she asked quietly, the angry part of her figuring if he had a question, he should ask it.
"What are we doing?" he asked softly, using on hand to caress her cheek.
"I don't know," she said, eyes never breaking contact with his. "Whatever...feels right." She couldn't have told him what that was if her life depended on it, yet it was the only answer she had for him.
"Lead me," he told her. "I'll follow."
Slowly, she reached up and put her hands around his neck, bringing his lips back down to her level. Equally slowly, she moved her face towards his, resuming their sweet, gentle kiss.
He returned her kiss with infinite tenderness, "I love you, Sarah," he whispered in between kisses.
"Then why did you do it?" she asked, the kiss intensifying just a little.
"Pain," he replied. "Alcohol." A kiss. "Maybe a little bit of anger." He kissed her hard then, his mouth bruising hers.
"Anger? At me, I presume?" She matched his fierce kiss with one of her own as her hands ran up and down his back.
"Not totally," he replied, hand reaching up to cup her breasts through her shirt. "A me too, more me than you." He moved his lips to her neck and nibbled.
"So you hurt me to punish yourself?" she asked, her tone a cross between disgust and disbelief as she moved her head to allow him better access to her neck.
"No," he replied. "I never meant to hurt you. I didn't plan it, I...didn't even realize it," he replied and moved to her earlobe, biting it a bit.
She drew in a sharp breath as he bit down. "I don't care that you didn't plan it," she said, running her fingernails across his chest through his shirt. "You still did it and nothing can change that."
"I know," he gasped and moved back to her lips. "Nothing can change this either." He dipped his head and kissed her softly once again. "I'll never feel like this about anyone else. I love you, Sarah. Do you?" He moved his mouth to the other side of her neck.
"Mmmm, God," she moaned as he kissed the sensitive skin on her neck. "I'm not supposed to," she said. "I'm not...supposed to love you this much after what you did to me, do you hear me?"
"I hear you," he replied. "You can't help who you love," he replied. "Remember when you told me that?"
"Yes" she answered, he voice portraying all the emotions that where swimming around inside of her. "I'm so angry at you, but..." She pulled him back into a heated kiss, running her fingers through his hair.
He pushed his tongue between her lips, exploring the inner reaches of her mouth. He pulled back and looked at her. He wanted to make love to her, skin on skin, but he'd not dare initiate that, not now.
She moved her hands from around his neck to the waistband of his jeans, running her fingers all around as their tongues continued to duel.
"You have to talk to me, Mac," Harm told her. "What do you want?"
"I don't want to talk," she said angrily as she undid the button on his jeans.
He took his cue from her and pulled on her blouse until its delicate buttons scattered about the floor. He attacked her breasts with fierce passion, using his tongue and his teeth to pleasure her. As he felt his inexplicable anger at her dissipate, his kiss turned soft, almost reverent. His hands moved up her back and opened the hooks on her lacy bra, freeing her breasts to his scrutiny.
"Feel better now, do you?" she asked him, her tone not quite as angry as before but still not gentle. This is what she wanted, needed, for some inexplicable reason. That voice in the back of her mind was screaming at her, but she ignored it completely.
"No," he breathed into the valley of her breasts he loved so much. "I..." he took her nipple in his mouth and suckled. "I need to...I need you to say you know...I..." His breathing came quicker, he couldn't finish his sentence.
"Say it," she demanded "What do you want me to tell you?"
"That you know I still love you," he gasped out, suckling her other breast, his kiss getting rougher once again.
"I know you still love me" she said, her tone not lightening up much as she felt herself melt under his touch. "Now prove it." She grabbed his shirt, frantically working on the buttons one by one.
He did. He lifted her up and carried her into the guest bedroom, gently lowering her to the bed. He eased her out of her pants and with light touches caressed her soft skin. He touched her stomach then pulled back, "Mac, what about the doctor? What if..."
"I don't give a damn right now!" she said harshly. "I don't!"
"Well, I do," he replied. "I don't want you to have to go through that pain."
"It's nothing compared to the pain I'm already in over this whole mess!" she said, the tears coming back, angry tears. "I still can't understand how you could..." Giving up on trying to share her feelings verbally, she rolled over and pinned him beneath her, staring into his deep blue eyes.
"I'm sorry," he told her his eyes starting to water again. "Please believe that, Baby." He gasped as she yanked his jeans down over his hips, taking his boxers along with them.
"You're really sorry? Show me."
"But you suffered so much..." He was conflicted. He wanted to show her but the memories of the morning after their anniversary haunted him.
"I don't care!" she cried, "I just don't care right now, I don't! I know you do but I don't..."
Harm still wasn't sure. He wanted to tell her he loved her as he always did before but this didn't make sense to him. "Sarah, why are you doing this? What possible good can come from this?"
"I don't know!" she replied through her tears. "Everything in my head is screaming at me to stop, that this...this doesn't make sense! WHY on earth do I want to do this with you, after what you've done? WHY? Everything else...everything in my heart refuses to listen!" She laid her head against his chest and sobbed angrily, more confused than she'd ever been in her life.
He brought up his hand and soothed her hair. "This...this..."
"This what?" she spat out.
He couldn't speak anymore. His chest ached with pain and loss, he didn't want to be doing this, but he felt his body responding, and wasn't this how it had always been? He looked at her, and again moved his mouth but no words would come out, just tiny little gasps and moans.
She slammed her lips against his; forcing her tongue past his as her hands ran up and down his arms, against his chest, her nails scraping against him just enough to feel good.
He moaned in her mouth and let his body take over where his mind failed him. He closed his arms around her back and crushed her to him. "I'll never let you go," he was saying with the move. In one fluid motion he rolled over so that she was on her back underneath his weight, never breaking contact with her mouth.
She moved her arms around his back, still sliding her nails therapeutically along his skin as her mouth remained welded to his.
He pushed with his hips a little, a silent way of asking her if she was ready for him, if she wanted to take him into the shelter of her body. As he did this he slid his arms from around her to fondle her breasts again, to touch the area where he'd been held as he'd cried for his father and where she'd nursed their babies, while he lie in wait for her answer.
"Oh, I don't think so." she thought to herself as she felt his hips grind against her body. "This isn't over yet!" So what if he was ready; this wasn't about him. It was about...so much more than just the physical act itself. This was how they'd communicated every emotion imaginable between the two of them since the moment they decided they were meant to be together forever. "Forever...I'll show him the meaning of forever," she thought as she pulled her lips away from his. "No!" she breathed, and waited for his reaction.
Harm slowed his motion, but did not stop it all together. "No what?" he asked his eyes seeking hers. "No what?" He knew damned well no what, but if she wanted to play, they'd play.
"No, you're not getting off that easy!" she growled, her breathing growing more intense the more he touched her. "Do you know how angry I am at you right now?"
"I have a pretty good idea," he replied, leaning over to nibble at the hollow of her throat.
"God, he knows just how to make me crazy," she thought as she lie beneath him. A hurried gasp escaped her as he concentrated on her neck.
"And just how do you know how angry I am?" she added harshly as could while feeling his lips move closer to her ear.
"Because it's probably on par with how angry I was when I found out about Chris," he whispered against her ear, making sure his breath hit her ear canal. "Or how angry I was when I found out you didn't tell me you couldn't have babies anymore," he moved closer and bit her ear again. She moaned a bit at the sensation, "You like that. I know you like that."
"Yeah, I do, but so what?" she gasped, feeling the goosebumps form all over her body as he teasingly nipped at her ear. "This is bigger than all that and you know it!" She raked her fingers a little bit harder against the flesh of his back and sides, feeling him tense up just a bit.
He gave a tense moan; her nails hurt as the scraped his skin. "I don't know about that, we both lied to each other," he reminded her. "That's what it comes down to."
"Yeah, we did," she agreed, the color of her voice still painting the picture of the hurt she felt inside. "So here we are, two angry, broken-hearted liars - What are we going to do about it?"
"You have to tell me," he replied, his voice bleeding the pain and remorse he felt. "Or show me."
She eyes locked with his, stared at him in silence as once again she recognized what they were doing - using their bodies to tell each other what their words couldn't. "Damn you..." she said softly as she began to cry before pulling his upper body hard against her chest, taking his mouth captive.
They began the dance again. Tongue to tongue, chest to chest and finally hip to hip.
She pressed her hips against his this time, returning the taunt from before.
He pulled his head back and looked at her intently, eyes knitting, waiting for her direction.
She moved her right leg and rested her ankle on his lower back, their eyes never breaking contact as she gave him his answer.
It was all Harm could do not to take her then and there. She wanted him, that much he was sure of and he'd promised her he'd do anything she'd wanted. It wasn't like this was not typical for them, that's how they dealt with everything. Still this nagging bit of conscience kept him from entering her without guarding her against something that was still unsafe, "Mac…" He breathed. "Condom. Wait."
"What? No...No..." She replied as her heart pounded strong and her breath maintained a rapid pace. He said he'd had them for months, to keep her safe on the rare times they made it far enough to need one, but she couldn't actually recall a time they reached that point and stopped long enough to think about it. "We never do, why now?"
"I'm...I'm not sure. You're still having pain and...I want to protect you and I can't any other way..." He panted.
"That won't stop the pain," she whispered, her anger fading for a moment as he put her ahead of himself. "It'll still hurt, but...no, no more walls, like that or like this, no more."
He kissed her lips with infinite tenderness, "I don't want it to hurt," he whispered. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"There he goes again, being all sensitive and sweet!" she thought as her emotions raged once more. "No, I'm not sure!" she answered. "All I'm sure of is that I've never felt this much...everything at once in my life! I'm hurt and I'm angry and I'm mad and lost and-"
She was getting excited again, he could feel it. At this rate they'd lie there all night going back and forth, and his heart nor could hers handle that. He kissed her lips mid rant to halt her words.
She pressed her head deeper into the bed devoid of pillow since he returned it to its rightful place for Lucy's sake. It had killed him to remove it earlier that day but he knew she needed space without him. She said she needed all his things out of their room for awhile so she could try and sort through the pieces of her life that had been so abruptly shattered only the night before. Yet, here they were, doing what they'd always done when things between them got too impassioned for vocal resolution. As their mouths shared the sweetest kiss of the night, she knew where this had to go, and it had to go there now.
Harm pulled his lips back and looked down at Mac's face. She was so beautiful, so precious to him. He felt the pain in his chest again, the inability to draw a full breath, and the familiar lump rise in his throat. Try as he might he couldn't stop the tears from falling from his eyes as he held her gaze.
"I can't believe you did that to me," she said, once again crying softly, tears of anger temporarily replaced with tears of pain. "What happened to us?"
"I don't know," he whispered through his own tears. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore."
"I know we should be talking about this and not..." her voice trailed off, tears rolling downward onto his pillow. "But I can't...there aren't words for what you..." Maybe there were words, but she couldn't find them at that point in the game. "I'm supposed to hate you, I know I am, but damn it..." There was no turning back. She put her hands around his neck and pulled his face towards her, rolling their bodies to the side until her right and his left shoulders rested against the mattress, their bodies still clinging to one another.
"Yes?" he asked her, wanting this to be her choice. "Or no? Tell me now."
Harm held Mac closer as he awaited her reply, needing to feel her in order to convince himself their marriage could be fixed when they heard a faint whimper from the other room. "Daddy!" Lucy called out, her usually strong voice weak. "Daddy? Mommy? Where are you?" A small sob. "I'm scared."
"Damn it," Harm swore. "She's going to be inconsolable now. I should have stayed with her," he said rolling off Mac and pulling on his pants. "You coming?"
"Of course," she said, reaching for her own pants and pulling them on quickly.
"You okay?" he asked concerned about the effects of his weight on her.
"I'm fine," she answered. "Let's get in there. She needs us."
Harm went first and with Mac on his heels made it to their bedroom. Lucy was sitting up on the bed, shaking with cold and crying. Harm rushed to her and wrapped his arms around her, "I'm here, Button. Daddy's here now," he told he as he rocked her in his arms.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" asked Mac, sitting as close to Lucy as she could.
"I'm scared," the little girl sobbed. "And I hurt."
Harm continued to rock Lucy back and forth, "Where does it hurt, Baby?" he asked.
"In my belly and my head," she replied.
"Do you want some Jell-O?" asked Mac, feeling the child's forehead.
"No," she sniffled and snuggled closer to Harm. "My throat hurts me too," she whimpered and sniffled.
"I'm sorry," said Mac. "Do you just want to lie back down for now?"
"You were gone," she sobbed. "You promised to stay here?"
Harm looked at Mac with pain in his eyes. He didn't know what to say. This was just another promise, another thing he'd done wrong. She took pity on him.
"Daddy had to come help mommy for just a minute," she explained to the child. "We're here now, and we'll stay here as long as you want, okay, sweetie?"
"I'm cold," she whimpered as shook in Harm's arms.
He looked up at Mac, "She's shaking but she's on f-i-r-e."
Mac nodded. "I'll go get the Tylenol and a little more juice."
Harm sat with Lucy in his arms rocking her back and forth slowly until Mac came back with the laced juice. "Baby, drink the juice for Mommy now," Harm told her.
Miraculously, Lucy didn't object this time, taking the cup in her hand.
"Good girl," Harm praised as she finished the entire cup. "How about you lie back down now? Do you want to snuggle with Mommy?"
"Uh-huh," said the child. "And you, too."
"Why don't you go to Mommy while Daddy gets Colleen in and locks up, then I'll be right back," he suggested.
"'Kay" said Lucy, crawling over into her mothers embrace.
Mac held onto her daughter, feeling how feverish she was, how damp and clammy. She hated seeing her baby so sick, and now was an especially poor time for this to happen. She gently swayed back and forth, her arms around Lucy's body as the thoughts surrounding the entire evening swirled around in her head. She gave a thought to what almost happened in the guest room, and felt an amazing sense of relief that it stopped where it had. Knowing that she had Lucy to thank for that, she leaned down and placed a kiss on the little girls head.
For his part Harm called in their dog, which lay in her bed and obeyed his every command as if she sensed things were amiss and check the locks on the doors. When he returned to his wife and daughter it was to find Mac cradling Lucy, who had fallen asleep against her mother's breast. She was singing, just senseless sounds, but it had obviously soothed their little girl.
"She's out," he told her lying on their bed sideways.
"I know," said Mac softly. "She needs all the sleep she can get."
"I want to take her to the doctor's tomorrow," he sighed. "Do you think Dr. Parker can see us?"
"He can work us if need be," said Mac.
"You want to go?" he asked. "Or do you need to stay here once we reclaim DJ?"
She sighed. "I'd like to go, but someone has to stay with him. I guess I'll let you take her."
"It's up to you, but she fights me less and if you have to hold her...I'm just worried that she'll hurt you," he sighed. "Do you want to lie down? You look pretty tired?"
"Gee, wonder why?" she retorted, her weariness coming across loud and clear.
"Mac," he sighed. "We have to stay together tonight for Lucy's sake. Please let's not do this. Let's just try and let it go, for Lucy."
"For tonight," she said. "And only for Lucy's sake. We're nowhere near ready to let this go, Harm. We both know that."
"I do know that," he told her. "That's why we're getting help. I also know you look worse than she does. When was the last time you actually slept? I know this is not from one night."
She had to think for a minute. "Probably 4 or 5 nights ago," she replied.
"Why?" he asked. "I've been away before."
"I don't know why," she said. "I guess something inside me knew something...was wrong."
He nodded. "Mac..." he sighed. "You have very good radar and...Do you think we can...that is...do we have a shot at repairing this?" He looked at her eyes bright in the dark.
She saw in his eyes how bone-deep tired he was, physically and mentally. "I hope so," she answered softly. "But only time will tell. I keep going back and forth, almost minute by minute changing how I feel about you. I need to get that under control before I can begin to tell you what kind of chance we do or don't have of repairing this."
Harm knew he had no choice but to accept that answer so he did. He lay there in silence for awhile, listening to Lucy's congested breathing and Mac's soft humming until finally that sound stopped. He looked over at her, her one arm was tucked underneath her head while her other arm was across Lucy's chest, protectively sheltering their little girl from anything that might hurt her. It was a beautiful sight.
Harm felt his own fatigue begin to catch up with him. He rolled over so he was facing Lucy and Mac and reached his own arm out to shelter his baby girl. Somewhere in the recesses of her consciousness, Mac sensed the presence of her husband's hand and maneuvered her own so it was lying on top. The subtle, seemingly subconscious gesture was enough to give his tortured heart the slightest bit of hope, and he turned his hand palm up to so he could hold Mac's hand. "Good night, Sarah," he whispered in the dark room.
Her response was only the tightening of her hand.