Thanks to Christine for sending me a copy of Gypsy Eyes and thanks to Snugglebug for helping me and encouraging me to keep on writing. Hugs to you, Lady!

Also special thanks to those who have been reading and reviewing, you make working on this worth it. I love you all!

Disclaimer: I do not own them or make money from them.

0005 ZULU

Lt. Cmd. McCool's Office

Bethesda Naval Hospital

At 1705 that Monday Mac had arrived at Commander McCool's office and sat, reading a Parents magazine waiting for Harm. After yesterday she wasn't even sure he would show up for his, never mind get anything productive out of it. So when the door opened and she saw his tall frame in the doorway, she couldn't suppress a smile.

"I wasn't sure you were going to come," she said softly as he took the seat beside her

He looked at her with a look of surprise. "Why wouldn't I come? I said I'd do this, and I will."

"Last night..." she ventured. "That was pretty low of me."

"Hey, Mac," he said softly. "Don't get hung up on that, please. It's okay; let's just focus on today and focus on trying to get as much from this as we can."

"Still, we can't get anything from this if you're still mad at me," she sighed. "I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm hurt, but I'm not angry anymore," she told him.

"I'm not mad at you," he said. "It hurt me, what you did, but I suppose given the circumstances I got what I deserved."

"Yeah well, I guess I'm not better than you are," she sighed and rose. "It's 1713 what's taking so long? We have a sick child to get back to."

"You know how these places are," he said, picking up the magazine she'd been reading. "We'll be doing good to get called back there within the next 15 minutes."

Mac started pacing, "This is a military shrink you'd think she'd be on time. Lucy still has that fever and I can't believe you're not worried about this."

"Relax, Mac. None of that," he said, motioning towards her pacing. "Is going to get us called in any faster. Just sit down here and try to relax."

"I can't relax, we shouldn't even be here," she snapped at him pacing faster.

"You're the one who said-" He stopped, realizing what she really meant. "Yeah, you're right," he sighed as he tossed the magazine back onto the table. "I shouldn't have messed up and then we'd have no need to be here. Thanks for the little reminder, Mac. For a split second there I'd almost forgotten what I did."

"I won't ever let you forget what you've done," she said in a harsh quiet voice. "Because I'll never forget it. Ever. Remember Paraguay, the pain I was in from the things they did to me, nothing compared to this," she told him, flopping down in the chair she'd vacated.

"For someone who's not angry with me," he said. "You seem pretty...angry with me."

"This isn't anger Harm this is ha..." She caught herself before she said that dreaded word.

He looked her in the eyes. "If the choices are to have you be angry with me or to hate me, I choose angry. I can't...I can't have you hate me, Mac. I can't."

"Well you should have thought about that in Mexico," she bit out as Commander McCool made her presence known. "Commander Rabb, Colonel Rabb, come on back."

Harm and Mac followed Commander McCool into her office, "Take a seat on the sofa please, the both of you," she instructed. Both obeyed her but sat on opposite ends of the piece. "Now, I've read over the comment card I asked you to fill out earlier today, but before we begin, I'd like it if we could mutually agree to suspend the use of rank while we're in session?"

When they both nodded, Commander McCool continued. "Now, Harm, why don't we start with you? Tell me why you're here."

He took a deep breath. "I'm here because my wife said we needed to come if we wanted any chance of saving our marriage." He knew she'd want more details, in fact she'd want more or less every detail, but his lawyer mentality told him to only answer the question and not divulge too much at once.

"So you aren't here of your own free will?" she asked him. If he wasn't here willingly, they'd get no where.

"No, no, I am," he said, nodding insistently. "Mac didn't drag me here. It was her suggestion that we come, but I have no problem with being here."

"All right good," she replied. "Now, Mac, why did you suggest you come into counseling? I recall it's not something you are fond of doing."

"I suppose it's because I don't want to lose six years of marriage over this thing between us," she replied, not elaborating on exactly what Harm had done or what she had done.

"All right," Dr. McCool sighed. "I'm sensing both of you are holding back and both of you are having conflicting emotions. Why don't we start with the escapade in the waiting room? What started all that?" she asked and looked at Harm.

"She said she wasn't angry with me," he said. "But she could've fooled me."

"And why would Mac be angry with you?" she asked him.

"'Cause I did something incredibly stupid a couple months ago," he replied. "She just found out about it last Thursday and since then, well, let's just say things haven't been good between us."

"What did he do, Mac?" Dr. McCool asked.

"He slept with another woman and not just anyone, an ex-girlfriend," Mac replied with no hint of tears.

"He had an affair?" she asked looking at them both trying to read body language to get a sense of where they were. Harm was slumped over he looked hurt and vulnerable. Mac was ramrod straight, her protective shield in place.

"Yes," she hissed. "God know how long he was with her. He claims it was only once but...he claims a lot of things."

"It was only once, Mac," said Harm. "I know you don't have any reason to believe me, but I'm telling the truth."

"Okay," Dr. McCool sighed. "We've been here before when you were newly married if I recall. You were a lot less hostile then Mac and Harm you were a lot more defensive so let's use this, let's explore the differences in the past six years or so. But first, I want to see where you think this came from Mac?"

"I guess...it came from him, I mean he's always had a tendency to be selfish, inconsiderate and pompous. Our lack of um, activity in the bedroom probably factored in as well, my withdrawal, his disinterest, the list goes on, Vera," she sighed.

"Harm, respond to that," Vera pressed.

"First off, I don't think I have a tendency to be any of those things she just said," he answered. "I can't say exactly what made me do it. I'll tell you the same thing I told Mac: I was depressed, lonely, hurting because she was hurting in a way that I couldn't make better. I know that doesn't even begin to excuse what happened and I'm not looking to blame Mac for it in any way, shape or form. I will admit, though, that the way she pushed me away once she got sick, it probably played into everything. Again, I'm not blaming her; I'm simply stating a fact as I see it."

"Okay good," Vera praised. "I'm sensing more feeling now. Mac, why did you say Harm is selfish?"

"It's his track record. Since we've met, more so since we've been married but as long as I've known him he had to do what he had to do. There are so many times I can think of off the top of my head," she replied.

"Please tell me you're not going to drag my father into this," he said.

"If I added your father to this we'd never get out of therapy," she snapped.

"That's not fair, Mac," he said, trying to keep his cool but feeling it slipping away. "You know why I had to do what I did to try and find him. Hell, you were one of my biggest supporters!"

"Victims you mean," she replied so softly he barely heard her.

"What'd you say?" he asked, turning on the couch to face her directly. "I know I didn't hear what I think I heard."

"You heard exactly what I said," she replied.

Dr. McCool sat back and watched them. This couple had so much hostility, so much pain, locked away inside over things that had never been dealt with. They were a physical couple, that much was evident the last time, but now they were worlds apart.

He shook his head and waved his hand in the air towards her. "Whatever. That's not why we're here, Mac. That's not what we're supposed to be working on. I know things from our past are going to come up, but if we dredge up every single thing that could use a little therapy, you're right, we'll never get out of here."

"Harm, wait," Vera interrupted. "Let's stick with this. Until you have both cleared all the hurt and doubt that it's obvious you're both storing up we won't fix anything. So, Harm, what was your instinctual reaction to what Mac just said?"

"I'm mad that she feels the way she does about my father," he answered, his voice low and full of pain.

"Just mad," Vera pushed. "I don't hear mad. I hear something else." To Mac, "Mac, look at your husband."

With his wife's eyes on him, he spoke. "I'm mad, but I guess I'm also hurt. Do we really have to go there? We're not here to talk about this, and I'd really rather not. I feel bad enough already without ripping open all those wounds."

"The only wounds that can reopen are wounds that have no healed," Vera replied. "I think this is this the first step. Marriages often go sour when the physical attraction or intimacy that sparked then starts to die, we have to examine the marriage and all the pieces to it. Your father, Harm, is integral to your marriage to Mac, isn't he?"

Harm nodded, his head resting against his left hand, his arm upon the edge of the couch.

His eyes were full of pain, and one may think he was on the brink of tears if they didn't know better. His body was slumped into the couch, a sense of defeat seeming already to have washed over him. This wasn't what they came here for; this wasn't what he was prepared to talk about, and Mac's revelation of feeling like she was a "victim" when it came to his father just tore his heart in two.

"Mac," Vera said. "What do you want to do right now, looking at Harm as he is right now?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "Instinctively I want to hold him, comfort him, but...at some points I can't even stand the thought of him so...I don't know."

"But instead of words you would choose physical comfort?" Vera asked.

She nodded, "That always worked for us."

"Harm what do you want from Mac right now?" she asked. "Not the therapy answer, the gut instinct."

"I want her to tell me she doesn't regret coming to Russia with me," said Harm, not turning his gaze from the place on the doctor's desk where he'd been staring for the part few minutes. "I'd also love...a hug. I know, I know, it's not my right to ask her for that, but you said you wanted my gut answer, so there it is."

Mac moved to do just as he asked when Vera stopped her, "No, Mac. Comfort him verbally."

Mac opened her mouth to begin to do just that but nothing came out. "Harm, I..." she began then stopped. "I'm...I don't regret coming to Russia with you," she replied. "Russia is what gave me you, but...I wish I could say I didn't mean what I said before but I did...you've hurt yourself and others so much by your crusade to find your father, you were blinded by it," she sighed.

If possible, he sank down a little deeper into his corner of the couch as Mac spoke those words to him. He wasn't used to this sort of thing, of actually hearing what she was feeling without any physical communication to back it up. He felt like he could have handled it if he could've done so while hidden within her embrace, but there on the couch without her even holding his hand he felt like the victim of an emotional bombing with nowhere to hide.

Tears sprung to Mac's eyes as she saw him physically retreat, trying to hide in his own protective ball. She looked at Vera, then at Harm, "I can't..." she told her and reached for him.

He felt Mac's arms come around him and her head rest upon his right shoulder. He almost refused, almost pushed her away, but he didn't have it in him to do so. He turned himself towards her embrace and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "So sorry."

"Why are you apologizing, Harm?" Vera asked him. "What do you feel sorry for?"

"For all of it!" he replied, his patience temporarily out of service. "For any hard feelings she's been carrying around since Russia, for not being able to take away her pain from that goddamn disease, for what I did in Mexico - take your pick!"

"Okay, so you're apologizing for anything and everything that's gone wrong in your life since you were married?" Vera asked. "Mac just hurt you badly, and yet you are apologizing to her. Why?"

"Because," he said as his hand softly rubbed Mac's back. "I'm the one who hurt her in the first place. What she's saying here today is because of the mistakes I've made and because of the rotten way I handled some major changes in our relationship over the last several months. She's hurt me, too, I can't say she hasn't, but the things that brought us in today are so much more my doing than hers."

Vera seemed to accept that answer, "Let her go," she told him.

Gently nodding, he did as directed and loosened his hold on Mac.

"All the way," Vera coached.

Reluctantly, he dropped his arms from around her body and sank back into his spot on the couch.

"Now tell her how you feel about what she said about your father and about the changes in your marriage," Vera instructed.

"I feel...like she should know how important it was for me to go to Russia and..." He thought for a moment, desperately searching for the words behind his feelings. "I know we've lost a lot this year, and I..." Giving up on the battle with words, he reached out to take Mac into his arms. He couldn't handle "verbal communication."

"You can't do it, can you?" Vera asked him. "You can't talk to her in words can you?"

"No, I can't," he admitted. "We've never done it, either of us. When we feel hurt or upset or mad, we'd always just...let our bodies do the talking."

"And where did that get you?" Vera asked. "When did that start?"

"As soon as we realized we wanted to spend the rest of...of our lives together," answered Harm as he held his wife close. "I'd say it started at the beginning, but that's not true since we loved each other long before we did anything about it. It always worked for us, you know? It's like we could have entire conversations without saying a word."

"And that's good," Vera praised. "But what physical and verbal conversations come together. One is the left leg and one is the right leg. What happens when you don't develop both legs in a weight room?"

"One ends up stronger than the other," he said.

"Right," she acknowledged. "And what happens if you break the stronger one?"

"You feel...crippled, I guess," he replied.

"Exactly," Vera replied. "What do you do in a crippled plane, Harm?"

"You limp it back home if you can," he said. "Otherwise, you bail out."

"And do you want to bail out?" she asked him. Mac looked expectantly at him, knowing she was the crippled wing in this squadron.

"Oh, God, no!" he answered. "No way! I don't want out. I don't, I want to fix things."

"Mac?" Vera asked.

She shook her head, "As much as I want to say yes, I can't because I need him, Vera. He's my left hand."

"All right," she smiled. "Since we agree, let's go back. Take me back to the first time you used touch instead of or to assist your words. It will be painful, but it will facilitate the goal I think," she assessed. "During this, you can do nothing more than hold hands."

As he held tightly to Mac's hand, Harm thought back upon that fateful day when so much of his life changed forever.

Siberia

He dropped to his knees, sobbing so hard his entire body shook. "This can't be happening..." he cried. "I didn't come this far to... God, dad...why?"

For her part Mac stood a few feet behind him, allowing him this private goodbye. He needed this cleansing of spirit to move on for his life. Still she wanted to go to him, comfort him and let him know if he needed her she was there. She saw his physical collapse, his legs failing him, his shoulders shaking, and any and all restraint she'd wanted to exercise in the name of respect went out the window. She rushed to his side and knelt beside him. She hesitated to take him into his arms though, she wasn't sure if their invisible boundary would allow for that.

He couldn't think of a time in his life he'd cried harder or felt more grief than he felt just then. He knew she was there and he wanted her arms around him, but the emotional avalanche he was caught up in wouldn't allow him to speak; to tell her he needed her. He hoped that somehow, she'd know.

Mac looked at him, and ached to hold him, but still she hesitated. She didn't want to overstep her bounds. She moved to touch him a few times, but her arms kept melting back out of fear of harsh rejection. She settled for just his name, she'd let him lead, she always did. "Harm?"

He looked up at her and continued to sob his broken heart out.

"I..." She didn't know what to do for him. "I want to help you," she told him. "I'm here for you."

Without a word, he crawled over and grabbed on to her, resting his pounding head on her shoulder. "My dad" he cried. "My dad..."

Mac started to sob herself, not only at his pain, but at the trust he was placing in her. He was at his most vulnerable right now and he wanted to be in her arms. "I know," she crooned. "I know," she started to rock back and forth, placing tiny little kisses on the top of his head. "Let it out, Harm. Talk to me, trust me. It's all right."

He wanted to talk, to tell her everything he was feeling, but he couldn't. For the next ten minutes, he stayed in her arms, the only place he felt safe, and cried until he thought for sure he'd used a lifetime supply of tears.

Mac let him cry a bit longer than tried to get him to calm himself down, "Harm, can you try and calm down? You'll make yourself sick."

He knew she was right; in fact his stomach had been in knots the entire time. He did the best be could, taking slow and steady breaths as she held onto him.

"That's it," she crooned. "That's it. Just take slow deep breaths." She stroked his hair as she coached him.

"M...Mac" he said, still out of breath.

She kept rubbing his head, "I'm here. I'm right here. It's going to be all right."

"What am I going to do?" he asked softly.

"I don't understand," Mac replied. "We're going to go home."

"No, no," he said, shaking his head as he pulled away from her just a bit. "What am I...how can I...he's gone, Mac. I never dreamed he was...gone."

"I know," she agreed. "But that's...that's the way it is now. You have to go home and grieve and live your life, like he'd want you to."

She was right. His dad would want him to go on living, just as he'd wanted every day since disappearing so many years ago. "How can I, Mac?" he asked. "How can I just go back and...live my life the same as I lived it before we came over here? My life's not the same anymore; it never will be."

"No, it won't be," she agreed. "In some ways it'll be harder, but maybe, it might just be a bit easier," she said gently. "You can open your heart now, Harm. You don't have to hide the pain anymore. You can grieve now, its okay."

He'd always felt uncomfortable sharing his emotions with anyone, but for some reason, this was different. This was Mac. Everything about her made him feel safe, warm and comforted. "Will you stay with me, Mac?" he asked.

She leaned forward and kissed his forehead, "I'll always be here, Harm. As long as you need me I'll be here," she told him. "Can we get up now? I think we should head back and get you into a bed, you need to rest."

With a deep breath and a nod, he pushed himself up off the ground, and almost unconsciously he reached out to take Mac's hand in his as they walked down the hill.

They traveled until they arrived at a hotel, and as soon as he'd kicked off his shoes and pulled off his socks, he crawled upon his bed. He didn't bother with the blanket, instead he simply laid atop it with his head buried in the pillow as a few more tears found their way out of his eyes.

"Harm, you can't be comfortable in those clothes," she said. "Why don't you get out of them and I'll get the bed ready for you. Do you want something to eat or drink?"

She said all this while rubbing his back.

"Not hungry," he said as he slowly sat up and wiped his eyes. He pulled his shirt over his head and threw it into the corner as he went to his suitcase and grabbed a pair of sleep shorts, then sat down in a chair and changed. By the time he was finished, Mac had his bed neatly turned down, and all he wanted to do was climb into it and stay there.

"Come on, Sailor," she said offering her hand to him. "Let's have you."

Taking her hand, he crawled into bed and reached for the covers, deciding he was a little chilly.

Mac helped him, taking the covers and moving them up so they covered his long body up to his chin. "There," she sighed. "How's that?"

"Good, thanks," he said quietly, his voice still a little shaky from being so upset earlier.

"You doing all right?" she asked sitting beside him. "Do you want a drink of water? A magazine? Or do you just want to sleep?"

"I just need to sleep," he answered. "My head hurts, my...my whole damn body hurts, I just need to sleep. I'll be okay."

Mac didn't know why she did what she did just then, her hands seemed to move of their own accord as she reached for his shoulders and started to gently massage them. They were hard as rocks, carrying years of tension that no one should ever have to carry, at least no one as wonderful and gentle as Harmon Rabb.

He breathed out a long, tired sigh as she worked her fingers over the knots and tried to make him comfortable. It took a few minutes, but before long he felt it working; his shoulders were relaxing and his headache subsiding.

Mac all of a sudden felt herself blanch. What in God's name was she doing? This was inappropriate and so wrong, but then why did it feel so good. She deepened the pressure moving from his shoulders to his upper back. "Is this okay?" she asked hesitantly, like a teen asking to stay out late.

"Yeah," he replied, rolling from his side to his stomach. "That's nice."

She worked in silence a few more minutes trying to hit all the right places, any place she'd ever seen him stretch or pay attention to. She moved to his lower back and started speaking, "Let it go. Take some deep breaths and release all the tension into your back and leave it to me. I'll take care of you tonight, you don't have to do anything but be still and let your heart start to heal," she whispered. "I'm here."

Her touch felt so good on his back, unlike any touch he'd ever felt before. It was as if she knew exactly which places needed a softer touch and which ones called for a little more pressure to release the knots and relieve the pain. He laid there and let her work her magic for a few minutes before he couldn't stay quiet any longer. Without warning, he rolled over onto his back and looked into her surprised eyes.

Mac pulled her hands back as if she'd been burned. "I'm sorry..." she began.

"No, no, no, don't say that, please," he said softly, taking her hands in his. "I'm not sure...I don't even know how to think about getting past today, I don't know how to feel or act or any of that, but I do know one thing. I know that whatever I do, from this day forward, I want...I want you do be with me. You came with me Mac, farther than anyone else in my life and that means something. I...I don't think there's anyone else I could have shared today with." He unknowingly caressed the back of her hand with his thumb as he spoke.

"There's no one else I would have done this for, Harm," she replied, she replied squeezing his hand. "Now why don't you close your eyes and sleep while I go to my room and make arrangements to get home. Okay?"

"No, Mac, don't go," he begged, squeezing her hands even tighter. "Please...stay here with me."

"You want me to stay until you fall asleep?" she asked gently as if a mother to her child.

"No," he said, his voice almost a whisper, his eyes locked with hers. "I want you to stay until I wake up."

"Sure," Mac replied. "I'll stay with you tonight if that's what you need."

"You're what I need, Mac," he said, pulling her towards him as if the world was moving in slow motion.

"What are you saying?" she asked him confused by his actions.

"I'm saying," he replied, bringing her body to within inches of his own. "That you complete me, Mac. In the middle of a universe that doesn't make sense to me, you're the one thing...that does."

"You're not in your head, Harm," she smiled and shook her head. "You're delirious. Just lie down and rest."

"I'm not delirious," he said, this time his voice a little stronger and a lot more confident. "I know what I'm saying, I know what I need now and for the rest of my life and it's you, Mac. I've been a fool holding out this long, waiting for something like this to give me the guts to tell you how much you mean to me."

"What do I mean to you, Harm?" she asked. "Tell me."

He pulled her down the rest of the way then, lips seeking hers to convey with touch the emotions he felt in his heart. Gently he took her lips, using his bottom lip to separate hers so that they were completely joined. His kiss was consuming, his hand blindly reaching around her to touch her back, running up and down in gently soft caresses.

Mac allowed this, unsure of what he was doing or what he was trying to tell her. All she knew was at this moment whatever he wanted was his. If this could kill the pain in his eyes, then she'd do it for him or with him however he chose.

Mac had dreams of how this would be only it never involved them both in tears in a Siberian motel room, grieving for loss just as they found life. Of their own accord Mac's arms wound around Harm's neck so that she could be closer to him. She opened her mouth under his a silent signal she was willingly to follow him down whatever path he chose for them.

If Harm could have pulled Mac through his body he would have. He wanted her close, wanted to be assured that no mattered what happened around them, they could always cling to each other, rely on each other. He moved his lips from hers as she opened her mouth, he didn't want to enter her with his tongue as of yet, he wanted to keep this slow, gentle, but, he also wanted to make it memorable.


He slid his mouth from her lips along her throat up to her earlobe. He pulled it into his mouth between his teeth and nipped lightly. She shuddered against him at the sensation so he continued it, alternating between licking, nipping, and breathing his warm breath against her skin.

He felt Mac press herself closer to him, tiny hands that at times could be deadly hands, and as she'd just demonstrated, healing hands, coming up to caress his chest, her lips moving to his jaw line to keep the contact with his skin. With his mouth and hands Harm was saying something, he was saying, "I need you." He was saying "I love you." With her hands she was saying, "I'm here for you."

As easy as it would be to let their bodies do the talking, Mac had to be sure Harm was in his head, that he knew what he was asking and perhaps beginning. "Harm?" she sighed as he once again moved his lips down her neck to the hollow of her throat.

"Hmm?" he replied softly, too focused on the beautiful body before him to actually speak.

"What are we doing?" she asked rubbing her cheek against his chest and her hands up his back.

"I'm telling you..." he began, pausing to plant feather-light kisses along her collarbone, "what you mean to me, Mac."

"You're having sex with me," she pointed out. "Or at least that's where I think this leading." She placed a kiss on his chest, just above his right nipple, making him shudder.

"I want it to lead there" he said quietly, "is that okay?"

"I want to help," she said leaning against him. "I'm just not sure if this is the best...that is I don't want this to hurt anything."

Under nearly any other circumstance, he'd realize that she had a point. He'd stop to think about what she'd said; wonder if this was actually what he needed from her. This time, though, he didn't take time to think. He didn't have to.

"It won't hurt anything, Mac" he said. "I know what I'm asking...do you want...I mean, can we...?"

She didn't answer him in words; instead she reached up to caress his cheek with her soft palm. She looked into his eyes, her brown eyes shimmering with tears that began to fall as she looked into his. She swallowed a sob as she held his gaze.

Taking her gently by the shoulders as he continued to kiss her lips, he sat up just enough to roll her over onto her back as he carefully straddled her legs, looking into her wide brown eyes.

Mac stared at Harm still not fully understanding what was happening. She felt him roll her over and straddled her body, his weight pressing her into the mattress. She shuddered then, scared, frightened, and very unsure.

"Hey" he whispered, placing a hand on her cheek. "Are you scared?"

She nodded almost imperceptibly.

"Oh, Mac" he replied, moving his body to lay right beside hers, his arm draped across her stomach. He could feel her tremble and shake, and it nearly broke his heart. "Don't be afraid. If you can't do this, we don't have to, but please don't be afraid."

"I'm not afraid because I don't want to," she replied. "I'm afraid because I do."

"Then don't be afraid" he said. "Just let it go...please, let it go." He slowly ran his left arm, the one resting on her stomach, down her right leg and back up again as his lips moved in for another tender kiss.

During that tender kiss, her clothing seemed to melt away from her body as he revealed a new bit of skin, he'd make tender comments or sounds, letting her know he appreciated her, found her beautiful. When finally they both lay together, skin to skin he raised his hips over her body then fell against her. Now it was his turn to hesitate. "Harm?" Mac pressed.

"Mm-hmm?" he replied, again at a loss for words.

"Why did you stop?" she asked. "Did I...Don't you want to?"

Oh, I do, Mac" he answered softly, placing a kiss on the spot just below her earlobe. "It's just...I didn't bring...I'm...shouldn't we be careful?

"Don't worry about that," she told him. "I'm...protected. I just...I...please," she gasped. "Please."

Her hips lifted up so that they met skin on skin and that was all he needed for assurance. He dipped his head to join their lips and their tongues as he angled himself in the position that would allow him to enter her. She shuddered against him as he sex slid into her, filling and stretching her.

"Ohhh," she gave a little moan.

He froze in place, unsure what she was trying to communicate. "Did that hurt?" he asked, his breathing heavy but not heavy enough to mask the concern he had for her.

"No," she gasped. "It's...so..." Words failed her as she pressed her hip up to encourage him. He smiled and began to kiss her again, never breaking contact until they were both pleasurably spent.

Present

"So that was how you dealt with the death of your father?" Vera asked Harm. "By having sex with Mac?"

"It wasn't sex" he replied matter-of-factly. "I mean, yes, the act itself was sex, but... I'm telling the truth when I say there was no way I could have possibly put into words what I was feeling that evening, but being there with her" he looked over at Mac, who was listening intently, "I said everything I wanted to, needed to."

"When did you tell her you loved her?" Vera asked him. "Did you ever tell her that?"

Siberia

Harm lay awake with Mac nestled against him. She was making tiny lazy circles on his chest as they lie together alternately kissed above and below his nipple. For his part Harm rubbed her arm up and down, still not saying anything until she asked, "What do we do now?"

"Well, if we could, we'd stay like this forever" he answered.

"You know we can't do that," she replied. "We shouldn't have even done this. This is against so many things I've promised myself, not to mention regs and...you don't need to worry about any of this right now. I'm just glad that I could help you in some way even if," she looked into his eyes. "I couldn't ease the pain."

"You did ease the pain" he said. "You couldn't make it go away, but you eased it more than you could know. Please don't regret doing this, Mac."

"I don't," she replied. "I just...being with you like this is...I just don't want you to regret it."

"Never" he said. "I want to feel the way I do right now, just being here beside you, every day for the rest of my life. I'm going to marry you, Mac."

She gave a small laugh, "You are huh? And what if I don't want to go along with that flight plan?" she asked leaning on her elbow studying his face.

"Sorry, Major" he said, the smile on his face growing as he spoke. "Non-compliance with or variation from the flight plan is not an option. I'm going to marry you because I... I love you, Mac."

She leaned over him and kissed his lips softly. "That's all I need, Harm. I've been sure I was going to marry you someday since I pulled your aboard that helo in the desert. I love you, too."

They made love again after that, learning more about each other through touch then through words. If felt right that way, to be so connected. Little did they know one day in the not too distant future, that connection would be broken and all would be lost.

Present

"So is it safe to say you've always used physical intimacy in place of verbal intimacy?" Vera asked looking at them both now. Harm had been through the ringer, he needed a break, she could see that.

"Yeah, I'd say so" replied Mac. "I don't think we intentionally set out with that idea in mind, but that's how it played out."

"And now you can't do that because of your medical condition, correct?" Vera asked.

"Right" nodded Mac. "Well, when you say we can't, that's not entirely true. We can, sometimes, but more often than not one or both of us is too afraid of what might happen that we don't even try."

"I see," Vera nodded. "What does happen?"

Mac took a deep breath and clung to Harm's hand. "Well, it either goes great, it's uncomfortable, it's painful, or it..."

"Go on," she prompted. "I know this is difficult but we have to explore it."

Harm jumped in, knowing this was too much for Mac to talk about. "Or it nearly kills her."

"Nearly kills her," Vera echoed. "You mean because the pain is so intense?"

"No, not just the pain" he said. "About a month ago, she almost bled to death from it. It was my fault, but still she almost died because of that monster of a disease!" He felt the anger well up within his heart, directed at any number of targets, mostly at himself.

Mac turned to him feeling his grip tighten so fiercely that it hurt her hand. "Harm, of all the things to blame yourself for, that's not it. That's no one's fault."

"In my head, I know that" he said to her, "but my heart...I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt I have from that night, Mac. I hurt you and I didn't mean to; pretty much the same feelings I have about Mexico. I'd never hurt you on purpose. I hope you believe that."

"I do believe that," she replied. "I do, but...Harm, can you ease up on my hand?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry babe" he answered, releasing most of his grip on her tiny hand. "I just...I don't know how to make sense of anything about this. Why did we get so caught up in the physical that we totally lost the ability to just sit down and talk things through, and why didn't the loss of the physical force us to figure out how to sit and talk? That's what should have happened, not me running off and doing what I did to you."

"That's right," Mac replied. "We should have talked, you should have talked, but instead you made me another obsession Harm, like your father, like Annie and Darlyn Lewis, like flying that damned Tomcat. This problem only started when I stopped being your wife and I started being your cause." She rose from the seat and started to pace. "What are we going to tell our children? Lucy is all ready asking questions about the sleeping arrangements?"

The time buzzed signaling their hour was up. "Time's up for today, and I think this is an excellent point to pick up on Thursday. However, I feel that we are going to need to set up some private sessions. Mac, does Tuesday work for you?"

"That's fine" she replied.

"And Harm, Wednesday at five?"

"Yeah" he answered, having returned to his previous slouching position on the couch.

"Okay great," she replied. "Now I'm going to give you some homework. This was a very emotional session, especially for you Harm, so I want you to reach out for Mac if you need her, but Mac, I only want you to use chaste touch and words to support him. That goes for you too, Harm. If Mac needs to reach out to you, you be there for her. Also, I want you to tell your children the truth. They all ready know and they'll make it worse in their minds if you aren't honest with them. Is that acceptable?"

"Yeah" answered Harm, fidgeting with his cover as he remained on the couch.

"Okay" agreed Mac, looking at the floor.

"All right then," Vera said rising. "I'll see you both on Thursday. Mac, I'll see you tomorrow okay?" She asked as she ushered them out.

"Thank you, Commander" said Harm as they exited the office.

"Don't worry," Vera smiled. "You both want it bad enough, that much I can tell all ready. Go home now, take care of each other."