Disclaimer: See Chapter One.
Mac leaned against the kitchen counter and sobbed, her body hunched over with the force of her despair. Finally she'd cried herself out, and set about cleaning up the glass before the kids or the dog got hurt on it. She sighed. She needed to apologize to him for the things she'd said about his dad, but now he was angry and she was sure he wouldn't talk to her. She'd also wanted to offer to alternate nights in the guest room, she knew that mattress was the pits. She walked past the guest room to find the door closed but not locked. She turned the knob and pushed the door open.
Harm was sitting on the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands, crying silently. He looked up when he heard her open the door.
"Harm?" Mac said softly when she saw him look at her with tears on his face.
She moved closer to him and reached out for him.
He looked at her and gently shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said.
She knelt before him and laid her head against his leg. "No I am. I treated you terribly today...all those things I said..." She rubbed her cheek against his thigh.
"I just left you out there, all upset," he cried. "I just left you there and let you cry."
"I think I need to be alone for awhile," she replied. "I needed to cry and apparently you do too. Would you like me to give you some time, considering most of this is my fault?"
He looked at her as he wiped his eyes. "You mean because of what you said about my dad?"
She nodded. "I never should have pulled at those scabs, but we were supposed to be as honest as we could be...I'm sorry I hurt you, although at the time that was the intention," she admitted.
He nodded just a bit. "I know. I deserve your attacks, Mac; what I did was just so...wrong, regardless of any reasons you or I or Cmdr. McCool might put behind it. I hate myself for it, for what it's done to us, to you, the kids." He felt another lump rising in his throat, and stopped speaking in hopes he could keep himself together.
"I don't want that Harm. I don't want any of this," she told him, tenderly rubbing his legs as she knelt before him. "I want us back. I want the birthday parties, the picnics, the happy Christmases. But this is the hand we were dealt, my illness, your indiscretion...I just hope when its over we'll be stronger for it. Now, let me ask you, I think you are having a harder time dealing than I am. Am I right?"
"I don't really know," he answered with a sigh. "I mean, I can't say I know what you're feeling or exactly how you're handling it, because all I have to go by is what you allow me to see on the outside. I can't see your heart, or what I've done to it. I can't say for sure, but...yeah, maybe I am taking it harder than you, but that's how it should be, Mac. I screwed up, I caused this mess, it's up to me to take it like a man and try to find some way to live with it; to try and make it up to you and the kids and everyone I hurt. I should be taking it at least as hard as you, but if someone has to take it harder, I want it to be me."
She nodded, "That's admirable of you. I do have another question though, which we should probably save for therapy, but since you're talking maybe I should ask it now, although I'm not sure if this is the right time, because I'm so damned confused..."
"Hey, slow down, slow down," he said gently. "If it's something you feel you need to ask right now, then please ask. None of this will be easy, so waiting for the perfect time to bring it up may not even be worth doing, you know?"
"Okay," she sighed. "Why didn't you come home and tell me? With Meg, you came home you told me, we held each other, we made love and we got through it. This time...Is it me? Have I become that weak in your eyes?"
With a very deep breath and a run of his hands over his face, he answered. "Where things like that are concerned...yeah. Please, please don't get me wrong on that, I don't think you're a weak person at all. Just...that disease has dealt you a nasty blow both physically and emotionally, and for whatever stupid reason I allowed myself to decide that was a reason to keep this from you. I didn't really see that's what I was doing until the night I called you from Belleville."
"What happened there that changed your mind?" she asked. "Did you know I'd find out or..."
"No, no, it wasn't that," he said with a little sniffle. "I had a long, long talk with Grams about it." He looked her in the eye, unsure of how she'd feel knowing that he told his grandmother before he told his wife.
"Good," Mac replied. "If there was ever an unbiased party its Grams," Mac said with a tiny smile. "She hated Annie."
"Still does," said Harm with a tiny smile.
"So she convinced you to tell me the truth," Mac filled in. "I owe her a phone call."
"She did more than convince me," he said. "She pretty much told me that I owed it to you, to us, to come clean as soon as possible so we could begin dealing with it. I'd been so focused on trying to protect you from the pain that I was missing the fact that this was something we had to face together, bottom line. My keeping it from you wouldn't have spared you the pain of seeing me collapse under the weight of it all, and I hadn't even thought about it like that before Grams laid in to me."
Mac had no words for that. She could imagine it, him trying to carry the guilt, the pain, the anguish and literally collapsing from the stress. Her mind started to run ramped just then as she flashed back to another time when he's done that. It was not like the day in the bathroom after the baby, this time had been much worse.
Late February 2002
Rabb Residence
ManassasVA
Mac sat back in their bed, massaging her ever expanding baby belly. She was sick of being in bed, but that doctor had ordered that she stay off her feet as much as possible for six weeks. It was week three and in that time Harm had been a trouper. He's taken such terrific care of her, but she could see it was becoming too much.
"Got your tea, babe," he said as he carried the mug into the bedroom and handed it to her. "Need anything else?"
"Other than to get out of this bed and back to work, no," she said, her patience with him and everything wearing thin. "What kind is it?"
"Herbal," he replied. "Decaf. Same kind I've made all week, is that not what you wanted this time?"
"I don't want tea, I hate tea. I want coffee," she told him. She took a sip, "But I want a lot of things I can't have."
"I know you do, babe," he said. "And I'm sorry about that." Just then, Lucy toddled into the room in tears.
"I know," Mac sighed. "Oh, Lucy..." She reached her arms out for her little girl. Harm turned around and picked her up first.
"What's wrong, Button?" he asked, wiping the tears from the two-and-a-half year old's eyes. Since Mac had been put on bed rest, he'd been in charge of caring for Lucy as well as for Mac, not to mention working full-time at JAG and picking up as much of the slack from Mac's absence in the office as he possibly could.
"Ow..." she said as she gnawed on the finger she'd put towards the back of her mouth. She was working on cutting her two-year molars and was having a terrible time with them.
"Oh, does your mouth still hurt, baby?" he asked her. "Want to go have a Popsicle with Daddy?"
"Oww," Mac startled just then before she was able to formulate her desire to rock Lucy while Harm got her the pop.
"What?" he asked, eyes wide with concern as he stepped closer to her bedside.
"Oh, this baby hates me," she sighed. "It keeps kicking me in the back." She rubbed the sore spot on her side. "It's got to be another girl."
Harm placed his hand on Mac's belly. "Hey, you in there," he said. "Stop kicking your mother like that, okay?" He rubbed the spot where he'd placed his hand, then leaned down and kissed it. "I'm sorry you're so miserable, Mac."
It was only then that she realized how terrible he looked. His eyes were black underneath, the whites bloodshot, and his skin was pale. "Let me take her Harm," Mac said. "I can at least cuddle her. Then I want you to sit down, you look awful."
"I feel pretty awful," he said, carefully handing Lucy to her mother. "I hope I'm not coming down with anything."
"You're probably tired," she sighed. Then to the baby, "Settle down here with Mommy and we'll have Popsicles together okay."
The tiny girl nodded and still sucking her finger snuggled with her mother. "Harm...when she's in bed, you take a break. No more working tonight okay?"
"No can do, babe," he sighed, his head in his hands as he rested his elbows on his knees. "I've got a huge case that goes to court martial in two days. I'll probably be up most of the night again."
"Can I help?" she asked him. "At least read something?"
"I wish you could," he said. "I could use the help, but it's not something I can let you look at this time." He was prosecuting a Petty Officer charged with plotting a mass murder. While it never came to pass, only because he was found out before he got the opportunity to put his plan into action, the written account of what he'd planned to do was enough to make the strongest man wretch. "You're not supposed to be stressed and it's a brutal case."
"Damn," she swore, a tribute to her frustration. She never swore in front of Lucy. "That's now two fold. I have to pee again. Take her to the kitchen until I can take care of business here."
Taking his daughter in his arms, he went to the kitchen and grabbed two Popsicles from the freezer. "Which color do you think mommy would like?" he asked the little girl. "Red or purple?"
"Pupple," she replied. "Ow..." She repeated and started to fuss again.
"Here, baby," he said, sitting her on the counter and standing right in front of her as he unwrapped her treat. "Let's get a bib on you and go back to mommy, okay?"
As Harm tied the bib on Lucy's neck he heard an off toned, "Harm!" from the bathroom.
Quickly he put Lucy on the floor and hurried back to the master bathroom. "What? What's wrong?" he asked.
He found her sitting on the toilet leaning forward, face pale and damp. She was breathing deeply, but her legs were shaking. She looked up but did not speak.
"What's wrong? Talk to me, Mac! What's wrong?"
"I just...I feel so weak," she said as she leaned in towards him. "Everything is spinning."
"You need to get back in bed," he said, knowing that whatever was wrong wasn't going to get any better the longer she was upright. "Come on, I'll help you stand up. Take my hands. Do I need to carry you?"
"Ooh," he hand went to her belly and she started to cry. "Harm..."
"Its okay, Mac," he said as he scooped her up and carried her back to bed. "I'm here. I'm right here and you're fine, I promise." He laid her down, then brushed the hair off her sweaty forehead as he talked to her some more. "What can I do? Where does it hurt?"
"My back," she told him. "It feels like with Lucy."
"Like how with Lucy?" he asked. "Like when she was pressing on your back bone?"
"No," she panted. "Like when I called you on the Henry."
"You can't be having contractions yet, Mac," he said. "Are you sure it's not something else?"
She started to cry harder, "I don't know but that's what it feels like. I'm losing the baby," she sobbed. "I know it. Don't let me lose our baby." She looked at him with wet eyes pleading with him.
Lucy toddled back in, her face red from her Popsicle. When she saw Mac she plopped on the floor and started to howl.
"Lucy Bear," said Harm. "It's okay. Daddy's here, baby. Where's your Pooh? Go get Pooh." He wanted her distracted so he could focus on Mac and decide what she needed from him. Looking back at Mac he asked "Do I need to call the doctor?"
Mac nodded but didn't speak as she concentrated on breathing.
Harm called her doctor and after holding a few minutes, the service patched him through. Mac wasn't aware of their conversation only of Harm's hand caressing her cheek and her belly alternately. When he finally hung up, even he looked scared.
"I need to take you to the ER," he said. "Dr. Bradley said it might be nothing, but he needs to make sure since you've had blood pressure issues all ready."
"Lucy," she panted as she tried to sit up.
"We'll take her with us and I'll call the Admiral on the way and have him meet us there and take her to his house," he said as he put his arm underneath Mac's back to help her sit up. "Still hurting like it was?"
"It's going away now," she sighed. "Just like contractions but longer and more intense."
"Baby moving all over the place?" he asked as he knelt down to slide Mac's shoes onto her feet. "I know sometimes those kicks just about knock the wind out of you."
"Worse than those," she replied. "Those are always in one little spot. This is my whole back and around to my belly," her voice started to fade and she swayed a bit.
"Whoa, whoa." he said, grabbing onto her to keep her from tipping over. "Lay back down here, let me go get Lucy strapped in the car, then I'll come back in for you."
"Harm," she said weakly, trying to fight his hold and sit back up. "Don't..."
"It's okay, babe," he said gently. "I need to carry you out there and I can't do that with her unsupervised in here. I'll be right back; I'm just gonna grab her and her diaper bag and then I'll be back for you."
She nodded her head and rested back against the bed, trying to fight the darkness that was descending over her. She was scared, she was cold, and she wanted nothing more than to be held by her husband. Still she knew he had to take care of their baby first, both of them.
Once he had Lucy strapped into her car seat, he returned for Mac. "Okay, babe," he said as he entered their bedroom. "You ready? I'm going to carry you, there's no way I'm letting you try to walk out there."
Mac didn't respond, she just let him lift her up and rested her head on his shoulder. "Harm..." she sighed and fought him. "Too heavy..."
"No, you're not too heavy" he said. "I bench press more than this," he added, hoping to make her smile despite her misery. "You doing' okay? Need anything before we go?"
She shook her head slowly as she let her eyes close.
As he placed her carefully into the passenger seat and fastened the seatbelt around her, he felt more overwhelmed than he had in ages. He had to hold himself together for the sake of the family, but inside he was in a million little pieces. His daughter didn't feel well; his wife was teetering on being hospitalized if her OB couldn't get whatever was wrong with her under control, and he felt like he hadn't had a break or any sleep for weeks. Somehow, he found the strength to keep going.
"Da-dy," Lucy babbled. "Mommom. Mommom."
"What is it, Lucy?" he asked as he drove to the hospital and scrolled through the phone book on his cell phone in search of the Admiral's number.
"Mommom seep?" she asked him the seriousness of the situation not working its way into her little head.
"Yeah, baby," he said. "Mommy's sleepy, isn't she?" He knew Lucy couldn't understand what was really happening, and there was no sense in scaring her if he could help it.
The little girl fell silent with her father's validation and let Harm concentrate on calling Admiral Chegwidden and driving Mac to the hospital. The Admiral assured the frightened father and husband he'd be there as soon as he could, and with that assurance Harm felt a bit better as he pulled up to the ER door.
As soon as Harm arrived at the ER, he ran inside and called for help. Quickly an ER nurse came with a team to help get Mac out of the car and onto a stretcher. Harm parked his car and took his daughter with him to wait the Admiral and complete Mac's paperwork. It seemed like a year before AJ arrived to take the baby and offer him a word of support, it seemed like a century until he was able to wait with Mac who had come to with a bit of medication, and once he was asked to leave her again, it seemed like an eternity before the doctor came to see him.
"Mr. Rabb?" Dr. Bradley said approaching as he came out of the ER room where Mac was resting.
"Yes," answered Harm, looking up as the sound of his name.
"I have news about your wife," he told him. "Let's sit down."
With a worried nod, Harm returned to his seat while Dr. Bradley occupied the one next to it.
"Sarah, as you are no doubt aware is experiencing a very difficult pregnancy," he began. "And you are aware of her gestational hypertension as well, is that right?"
"Yeah," said Harm. "Is that was this was, another blood pressure episode?"
"Partly, yes. Her pressure was 160/95. We're bringing it down now with a bolis of magnesium sulfate and I'm writing her a prescription for an oral medication to help manage it. There are however, two other problems."
He felt his heart sink at the mention of any more problems in his life, especially having to do with Mac and the unborn baby. "Okay," he said. "Tell me."
"Well, the baby is pressing on her spine, just like your daughter did and that's causing her severe back pain which we can't treat without drugs, drugs which she's refused," Dr. Bradley told him and waited for his response before continuing.
Harm sighed. "Does she understand exactly what you're offering her" he asked. "I know she hates taking drugs for anything, but when she's pregnant she's even more stubborn because she doesn't want to hurt the baby."
"She knows," he replied. "She's still refused. She knows there is little chance of the medication harming the baby."
"Yeah, that sounds like her" said Harm. "Stubborn to the point of misery when she doesn't really have to be."
"That is easily remedied. I'll give you the script to fill if she changes her mind. The second issue came up in her blood tests. How long before you brought her in did Mrs. Rabb eat or drink?"
"Uh..." Harm thought for a second. "I guess about 4 hours or so. She had lunch, and was getting ready to have a snack with our daughter when she began feeling sick."
"Then the result is cause for concern," he replied. "I tested her blood sugar. It came back at 163 which is concerning but not dangerous. When she's feeling better, I'll want her to take a more extensive glucose test."
"Doc, it sounds like you're suspecting gestational diabetes," said Harm. "Am I correct?"
"Precisely," he replied. "If I'm correct, the situation she's facing is an uphill battle. Gestational diabetes along with gestational hypertension which is complicated by sciatica, it is cause for concern. Therefore, I'll be extending her bed rest until her due date."
"I see," said Harm, the idea of another three months of having Mac on bed rest making him want to run outside and scream. "Is she stable now? Can I take her home?"
"As soon as her drip finishes you can take her home," he replied. "She has to be still and quiet at least until I can test for the diabetes. Is that understood?"
"Understood" said Harm. "Is the baby okay? Did you do an ultrasound today?"
"I checked the heart rate and that's right where it should be, 140," he replied. "Your son or daughter is being stubborn, but he or she is healthy and should stay that way provided you and Mrs. Rabb obey my orders," Dr. Bradley told him. "Take this seriously, Mr. Rabb. Her life and the baby's depend on it."
"I'll take it very seriously, Dr. Bradley," he said. "You can bet on it."
"Go to her now, keep her quiet," he replied and handed Harm three prescriptions. "The top one is for her pressure; she takes it twice a day. The other is a mild pain killer if she should change her mind. The third is for her glucose test," he instructed. "Have a good night, Mr. Rabb." With that he left Harm and went down the hall.
Another two hours later, the Rabb's arrived home. Harm helped Mac to the bed and settled her to lie down and rest. She was exhausted and in pain, which broke his heart. He felt responsible, not only for her condition but because there was nothing he could do to help her.
She fell asleep quickly once he'd helped her get comfortable and he headed out to work on his notes for the upcoming court martial.
He'd worked for about a half hour when he realized that one of the files he needed, the one containing the depositions from several of their key witnesses, wasn't in his brief case. He dug through everything on his desk, but it didn't do any good. The file was on his desk at the office; he could picture it in his inbox. Bud had placed it there yesterday afternoon, and he'd meant to put it with the others before he left, but with everything going on at home with Mac and with him being in charge of keeping their entire household running, he simply forgot.
"I could run and grab it," he thought to himself. "But if she wakes up and I'm gone...Maybe I could get Bud to bring it over...Maybe I could..." the thoughts began racing through his head. He didn't know what the answer was.
He walked down the hall to check on Mac as his mind continued to race. "She's sleeping like a rock right now," he though. "I bet I could break away for a half hour and then come right back...but then what if she needs me...what if..."
He could hear Dr. Bradley's voice in his head, telling him that Mac's life, the baby's life depended on her resting quietly, on his making sure she rested quietly...If he left her and she woke up...but if he left the file at the office he'd be behind the eight ball and have to play catch up, not to mention get chewed out by the Admiral...It was a no win situation there was nothing he could do.
Harm felt like the world was caving in on him. He was once again tore between his family and his career, which had happened to many times before. "What do I do, Mac?" he asked her sleeping form. She didn't answer of course, she was too tired.
His eyes combed over her still form, watched her breathing, in and out, in and out in a slow steady rhythm. He noticed for the first time how swollen her hands were, so much that her ring appeared to be cutting into her skin.
Why did this have to be so hard? Why did everything have to be so hard? It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.
Try as he might Harm couldn't stop those thoughts from going through his head. Thoughts of the unfairness of life, turned to darker thoughts, thoughts he didn't want to give credit to. "Get a grip, Rabb," he told himself. "She needs you."
Even with that pep talk though, he couldn't stop his hands from shaking as he watched her sleep and he couldn't stop the pain in his chest from spreading and crushing his lungs, making breathing normally impossible.
He moved his hand to his chest and massaged it, trying to get it to stop aching so he could breathe. Slowly and somewhat unsteadily he made his way to the sofa and sat down, trying to slow down his breathing and get himself under control.
He'd just about done this and achieved feeling in his numb arms and legs when he heard a plaintive, "Harm?"
He knew he had to get to her; she obviously needed something and he was the only one who could get it for her. With every ounce of strength he had, he rose from the sofa and clung to the wall as he walked down the hallway.
Harm's response was too slow, and that in itself worried Mac not too mention the unnerved feeling that had awakened her. She called out again, "Harm!" and pushed herself up on her elbows.
"I'm...I'm coming," he called, hoping she couldn't sense anything was wrong by the tone of his voice, completely forgetting that as soon as she saw him, she'd know something was very, very wrong.
He sounded wrong to her, he sounded out of breath, like he couldn't catch his breath. She'd worried about the stress of this being too much and now she knew that fear was being realized.
He reached the frame of their bedroom door, and took as deep a breath as he could manage given the crippling constriction in his chest. He stepped inside to see what Mac needed, praying he could hide everything he was feeling for just a few minutes. "I'm here," he gasped out. "What...what do you need?"
"I..." she began to tell him she needed a back rub for the pain, but one look at him and her pain was all but forgotten. She threw the blankets aside and got out of bed rushing to him and grabbing hold. "Harm, what's wrong with you?" she asked, her heart pounding as she felt how clammy he was and how much he was shaking.
"Nothing," he said, struggling to catch his breath. "Get back in bed! You're not...supposed to get up!"
She slipped her arm around his waist, "I have to get up when I call my husband and he comes to me looking like this," she told him. "Stop protecting me. What's wrong? Can't you breathe? You're scaring me. Come sit down."
He did as she asked and made his way to the bed, sitting down on the edge. He was shaking terribly, sweating buckets and he felt as if a 1,000 pound rock was sitting atop his chest. "I...I can't catch...my breath..." he said. "My chest...hurts...bad..." He looked at Mac with panic-filled eyes, hating himself for being in that condition in front of her.
In spite of her own fear, Mac had two reasons to be calm, Harm needed her now and so did her baby. He'd come through for her since she'd gotten pregnant, it was her turn. She reached forward and undid his belt, his fly, and the button on his shirt. "Harm, lean forward and try to breathe deeply. I'm calling the ambulance."
"No, Mac" he said, still very much out of breath. "Don't call...I'm okay...You get back in bed..."
"You are not okay," she told him. "You can't breathe, you're having chest pain...please, let me call. If you feel better before they come you can make the leave," she pleaded.
She said this all the while rubbing his back to calm him.
"Okay" he conceded, knowing that he really did need the paramedics to come check him out. He tried very hard to squelch the fears in the back of his mind that he was having a heart attack, but he knew it was a high likelihood given his symptoms. His fear of possibly being told that was actually happening was outmatched only by his fears of dying and leaving Mac and his children alone.
Calmly, Mac dialed 911 and sat with Harm until the medics came. "How're feeling?" she asked him, trying to keep him talking.
"Still can't...breathe," he said, sweat still pouring off his entire body. He looked Mac in the face, and seeing the fear in her eyes he wanted to cry, if only he had the lung capacity to do it.
"Does your arm hurt?" she asked, remembering her basic first aid.
"No," he said softly. "Hands and fingers are numb though."
"I have an idea," she said. "You stay still. I'll be right back."
"No, Mac..." he said, losing the battle with making his stubborn lungs take in air. "Back in bed, please..."
"As soon as you get help," she told him and left him there a minute while she went to the kitchen in search of something to help. She was back a few minutes later with a damp cloth for his forehead, a glass of water, and a paper bag.
She opened the bag and handed it to him, "Breathe into this," she replied, almost certain now that what Harm was experiencing was not a heart attack. If it was this bag would not help. If it wasn't, it should.
He took the bag from her and breathed what shallow breaths he could manage into it, feeling lightheaded as he did so.
Meanwhile, Mac dabbed at his forehead with the cloth to try and soothe him. "Helping?"
"Not really," he said, still inwardly terrified at what was happening to him. He heard a ring of the doorbell and a pounding against the front door.
"That's the medics," she told him. "Keep breathing deeply, I'm going to let them in."
He nodded, trying to catch his breath and still failing miserably.
Moments later Mac returned with two paramedics carrying their kits, portal oxygen tubes, port able EKG machines and portable blood pressure cuffs. "Commander Rabb, can you hear me?" the one medic asked while slipping a blood pressure cuff on his arm.
"Yeah," said Harm. "What's wrong with me...?"
"I'm going to try and find out. Are you having pain in your chest?" he asked as he started to inflate the cuff.
"Yeah," replied Harm. "Can't catch my...breath either..."
"All right," he sighed. "Your blood pressure is normal." He slipped a pulse ox on his finger. "And you pulse ox is 98 on room air. That's good."
He took one of Harm's hands and press on his fingers. "Cap refill normal," he said to his partner and took a stethoscope while his partner began putting the EKG leads on Harm's body.
"Reps are 18," the medic reported. "Mr. Rabb, try and slow down your breathing. Mrs. Rabb, come on over her and help him."
Mac moved to Harm's side and started to rub his back gently, making soothing sounds to him, reassuring him as he worked to breathe more slowly.
"EKG looks good, Pete," the second medic replied. Pete nodded, "Mr. Rabb, can you tell me how you felt before the symptoms started?"
"I was fine one minute," began Harm, his breathing beginning to even out just a bit. "Then I felt all shaky and...and sweaty, the room was spinning...heart was racing..."
"Are you stressed at work or at home?" Pete asked him.
"Our baby is causing me problems, I've been on bed rest and our two year old is cutting teeth, not to mention work. He's stressed," Mac answered. "Is he going to be all right?"
"Mr. Rabb, you're breathing is returning to normal and all of the initial tests seem fine. Its up to you if you want to go to the hospital but my best bet is that you were experiencing and anxiety attack," Pete replied. "Jeff is going to call this into a doctor at the ER, but it's my estimation that this was not a cardiac episode. It's up to you."
"You think this was because of anxiety?" asked Harm still breathing somewhat hard. "Nah, I'm...I haven't been that stressed, really..." He was so wrapped up in the whirlwind that was his life that he'd lost all perspective of how great a toll it was taking on him.
"Sweetie, yes you have," Mac told him. "When was the last time you slept?"
He had to stop and think. "Couple hours last night," he said. "Before Lucy woke me up at 0400 with a tooth ache. Never went back to sleep after that."
"Harm, why didn't you ask me for help? Why didn't you bring her in here or...I'm so sorry, Sweetheart," Mac told him continuing to rub his back and hold his hand.
"Because," he said. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you, not asking you for help. I was doing okay with it all...at least I thought I was..."
The second medic returned from his phone call just then, "Mr. Rabb, the ER staff physician suggests that we bring you to the hospital to be checked over. While the initial testing was negative, she wants to be sure," he told him. "Your call but I would go in just to be safe."
"I really don't think that's necessary," said Harm, still pale and sweaty. "I need to be here to take care of my wife, and my friend will be bringing our little girl back over within the hour. I have to...be here...for..." His breathing began to feel labored again the more he tried to argue.
"Harm," Mac said calmly. "You have to go to the hospital now. I'll go with you and I'll hold your hand okay?"
"No, Mac," he said, his breath coming harder and harder. "You need to get...back in bed...please!"
"I need to be with you,' she told him."I won't rest if I'm not, I'll worry and if something does happen at least I'll be in the hospital and you'll be right there with me. Come on now, don't make this any worse," she told him, still making that soothing motion. "It's all right."
The crushing pressure in his chest combined with his wife's gentle pleas convinced Harm to agree to go to the hospital. "Can you call AJ?" he asked Mac. "About...Lucy?"
With a slight nod, he focused his energy, what little there was, on calming his breathing down.
Mac slipped on her sliders, one of the only things she could put on herself and followed Harm out to the ambulance with Pete's assistance.
Thirty minutes later, Harm was being given a treatment to relax his bronchial passages and Mac was sitting with Lucy on her lap at his bedside, her legs propped up on a chair and two pillows.
"Sit daddy," said Lucy as she reached out for Harm.
"Lucy, you can't sit with Daddy right now. He's taking his medicine."
The child began to wriggle and squirm in Mac's lap, trying her best to get to her daddy.
"Lucy, Baby, sit still," Mac told the baby. "You can sit with Daddy when he's all better okay?"
"Daddy..." cried Lucy, leaning as far forward in her mother's lap as she could, nearly falling onto the floor.
Harm realized how much Lucy was climbing all over Mac, and reached out his arms, nodding to her that it was okay to come to him. The last thing he needed was for Lucy to hurt Mac in any way by trying to get to him.
"Mr. and Mrs. Rabb, how are we doing?" the young doctor asked, coming in to remove Harm's treatment.
"I've been better," replied Harm as Lucy played with the ID bracelet on his wrist.
"Still having pain in your chest?" he asked listening with his stethoscope.
"A little," he answered. "Nothing like before, though."
"And I see you've caught your breath, which is good," he replied. "I have the results of your blood tests."
"Okay," said Harm with a great deal of trepidation as he looked over at his wife. "Go ahead, please."
"Your cardiac enzymes and blood gases are all normal, you EKG and cardiogram are normal, as are your X-rays. I suspect that you did indeed have an anxiety attack, not a heart attack," the doctor assessed.
"Oh, that's great," said Harm. "I really thought there for awhile..."
"That's a common fear," he replied. "I must warn you though, panic attacks are nothing to play with, they are very serious, however since this was your first episode I'm not going to suggest you be medicated, however I am going to suggest you take it easy for a day or so, and just generally try to reduce the stress in your life."
"I'd be glad to, doc" replied Harm, "provided you can tell me how I'm supposed to do that while taking care of my pregnant, bed-ridden wife, our daughter, keeping the household running AND working over 40 hours a week?"
"Get some help. Mr. Rabb," the doctor replied. "Hire a babysitter or nurse, work from home, get a housekeeper, work 40 hours only...there are options," the doctor replied. "How are you doing Mrs. Rabb?"
"If he's okay, then I'm okay too," Mac replied. "Right Lucy Bear?"
Lucy smiled at her mother and snuggled in closer to her daddy.
"I'm going to release you," the doctor told him. "And I'm serious Mr. Rabb, for at least a few days, you need, you need to slow down." With that he was gone.
"I guess maybe I've been overdoing things a little" said Harm. "I'm sorry, Mac."
"No, I'm sorry. This is my fault..."
Present
"No, it's not, babe," he insisted. "You're not the one who went TAD with way too many things on your mind and no idea what to make of them, and you're not the one who acted like an inconsiderate ass - Grams' words, but they sure do fit me."
Mac looked at Harm as if he was speaking another language so absorbed in her flashback was she that she answered in response to that situation. "It's my fault you got sick and its my fault you couldn't breathe and had to go to the hospital, mine, all mine," she insisted.
"Wh...? Wait a minute...what you are talking about?" he asked.
She didn't respond as she felt herself come back into real time. This wasn't 2002, Harm wasn't in the hospital, he was here with her and fine, at least for now. She threw her arms around him and held tight.
The feeling of her in his arms, holding on to him, needing him...he felt that knot in his throat return as his eyes began to burn.
"I was thinking about that day, that awful day when I was pregnant with DJ," she told him. "Do you remember?"
He nodded, continuing to hold her close. "Yeah, I do. I thought I was having a..." He couldn't even get the words "heart attack" out.
"I thought I was going to lose you," she confessed after nearly three years. "And I'm scared because even though I'm so hurt and angry you're starting to look like you did then and I don't want that to happen again."
He pulled away from her just enough to look into her eyes. "Mac, I'm...I've been afraid... I am afraid that you'll send me away, you'll make me leave. I don't want to go, and unless you send me away...I'm staying right here with you. I screwed up bad, but I'm here now and I'll be here unless you don't want me to be."
"I don't want to send you away," she confessed. "But I don't want to be with you all together either. That's why this arrangement works out for me, I know you hate it but this is what I need."
"I know" he whispered, caressing her shoulder. "I'm so confused, Mac. I want to be whatever you need me to be; do whatever I need to do to give us the best possible chance at getting through this together. Sometimes, you seem to want me right there, other times you act like you can't get far enough away from me. I know I deserve all the feelings I've got and then some, but it's awfully hard to always be wondering what you really need from me."
"Want to know what I really need?" she asked him sitting sideways on his lap.
"I sure do" he said, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her forehead.
"I need you for the first time in this marriage to let me lead, to let me tell you when and how I need you to do something because right now I'm so confused and hurt...my needs change like the tides," she told him.
"Consider it done" he said, pulling her closer.
"I have some needs right now," she said. "Interested?"
"I am" he said. "Anything I can do, I will."
"Okay, I need to be alone for a bit and think about things and more so, I need you to go to the master bedroom and take a hot bath, then sleep in the big bed for tonight," she told him.
"Oh, Mac, are you sure? This bed sucks; I don't want it hurting your back, especially since you might be..." his voice faded.
"I doubt that, Harm," Mac replied sadly. "I can't let myself hope for that, but please, please rest tonight. Please," she said.
"Are you absolutely sure you want me to take the big bed?" he asked. "I'm not trying to question what you're saying you need from me, I just...I don't want you to suffer on this sorry excuse for a mattress. Why haven't we ever thought to replace this thing, anyway?"
"I never thought anyone would be here more than a night or so," she replied. "How is your back?"
"It's okay," he said. "Kind of stiff, but not bad."
"Stiff is bad enough. I wanted to hear fine," she chastised. "Now, go take a hot bath and sleep in a normal bed, just for tonight," she said again.
"Okay," he said, "if that's what you need me to do to make you feel better, I'll do it." He held her tight and they sat in silence for a moment before he spoke again. "Mac?"
"Yes," she replied, not moving from her perch on his lap.
"None of this is your fault," he said softly. "Do you believe me when I say that?"
"I believe that you think that," she replied. "And I think that with time we'll both realize that both of us could have behaved differently than we did. But we can't go back, only forward. You want that too, right?" she asked, not looking at him, just leaving her face tucked inside the crook of his neck.
"Oh, I sure do, babe," he said, inhaling the scent of her shampoo as she rested her head against him. "I want us to deal with this, however long it takes, and get past it and then not look back. It won't ever change what I did, but I want to put it in the past and keep it there."
"It'll never be in the past if the baby Annie carrying is your child Harm," Mac told him. "I'd be more upset with you if you tried to make it that way."
He cringed as the issue was mentioned. "If it is mine" he said, "then you know I'll do the right thing, but I've got some major doubts about that whole situation. I mean, yeah, the chance exists that it's mine, but I've got a strong hunch that there's a greater chance it's not. Hell, for all I know she screwed a different guy every night she was there, which would make me just about the stupidest man on earth..." He began to get worked up over his anger at himself and at Annie.
"Harm, calm," Mac said gently. "Let's not worry about it right now, let's just realize the possibility and do our best to deal with whatever comes up..." She trailed off a bit and very softly, "Together."
He pulled her even closer and finally gave in to his desire to kiss the top of her head. "I'm going to go take that bath now. Do you need anything before I go?"
"No," she replied. "I'm going to lock up and check the kids. I'll come in to say goodnight later on."
With a nod, he got up from the bed and walked slowly to the master bathroom.
Mac checked the doors, took Colleen for a walk around down the road, and checked make sure both children were sleeping peacefully. She settled down on the sofa then with a copy of How to Say it To Your Kids and read for a bit. When she heard Harm start to drain the water and change clothes she went to make him a cup of oolong tea.
Harm tossed his dirty clothes into the hamper and ran a comb through his wet hair before crawling into the big bed and lying on top of the covers. He was tired, but not the kind of tired that sleeping could totally fix.
He lay there, thinking about anything and everything. He knew going to therapy was the right thing for them to do, but he sure didn't enjoy facing all the issues that inevitably surfaced. The things Mac had said about his father and about Russia, they hurt. He reminded himself that they were only in therapy because of his mistake, but it didn't make the sting of his wife's words any less painful. His mind had just begun to drift to the situation with Annie when he heard a quiet knock on the door frame.
"Harm?" Mac called through the door. "Can I come in?"
"Please do," he answered, smiling a weak, sleepy smile.
She pushed open the door and saw him, lying on their bed, looking tired and worn out. "I brought you some tea and honey," she told him and set it by the bed. "I thought it might help you to relax."
"Thanks," he said. He laid in still silence, staring at the ceiling fan above the bed.
"Was the bath nice?" she asked, feeling tension between them and not wanting it there.
"Mmm, yeah, it was" he said with a sigh. It was nothing compared to the one he'd taken on their anniversary, but he knew better than to say anything like that. Still, it was true.
"I'm glad," she replied. "Do you think you'll be able to sleep tonight?" She reached out and traced the lines around his eyes. "So tired."
He felt a spark as her finger made contact with his face, and he tensed a little. He took a deep breath, knowing it didn't matter if he felt a spark, a million sparks or a four alarm fire at her touch, there was nothing he could do about it. "I'll..um...yeah, I'll really try to sleep."
"Can I get you anything else?" she asked him. "Can I do anything to make it easier for you? I need you one hundred percent; Sailor and that memory really scared me tonight."
"You can't make it any easier, Mac" he said, turning his head towards her for the first time since she'd come into the room. "Because as we learned today, we've really only got one way of getting through moments like this, nights like this, and Cmdr. McCool said we can't do that this time, so..."
"But...but I want to," she confessed. "I want to so badly. I need to."
He looked into her eyes, seeing the very same pain he was sure she could see in his. "Mac...we can't...I mean, you need your space to think and to make some sense of this, and the Cmdr. was very adamant about us not doing that anymore..."
"I know," she sighed. "I just want to be with you tonight I..." She sighed, "I want to make you sleep that's all. I'm really scared Harm...I remembered that night for a reason I know I did."
"I promise you I don't feel like I felt back then" he said, thinking cak to the night he had his horrible panic attack that scared the hell out of them both. "I'm stressed, tired, confused, scared and so on, yes, but I'm not trying to carry it all alone this time."
"I think you are," she countered. "You've said as much." She sighed and stopped touching him.
He rubbed his face with his hands. "You're right, I have said so, haven't I? Well, regardless, I don't think we can really do or say much else tonight to make either of us feel all that much better, as much as we wish we could. Let's say we call it a night? I know you're tired, too."
She nodded and leaned over a bit, signaling that she wanted to kiss him goodnight. She waited though to see what he would do.
He reached a hand out and gently pulled her face closer to his, placing a sweet, chaste kiss on her lips. "I love you" he whispered.
"I love you too," Mac replied rising and moving to the door. "In spite of everything, I love you too."