All Disclaimers Apply.
A/N: Things are about to deteriorate between Harm and Mac. It will get worse before it gets better. I once again ask you to keep an open mind and stick with me. Repeat this like a mantra, "She's a shipper!"
Chapter 23
"I can't believe you're still holding that against me!" he exclaimed as they left Bethesda on Monday afternoon, following a joint therapy session. They'd gone over their lists of good and bad things they each remembered throughout their relationship, and one thing Mac had on hers sent Harm off the deep end. He was on edge in general, the problems they were having with Lucy weren't helping anything, and he just learned that his wife still begrudged him for not telling her about his laser ablation operation until several weeks after-the-fact. He knew should have told her, but he didn't want to say anything until he knew if it had been a success or not, a fact she still held against him. "It was years ago, Mac - let it go!" He knew she wasn't feeling 100 percent yet, but he was pissed and he needed to speak his mind.
"Let it go!" she snapped. "I can't let it go when my husband was in DC lying to me, having surgery while I was in California watching my father die." She got into the car with a huff and slammed the door.
He got into the driver's seat and slammed his door as well. "I've told you a hundred times, Mac, I didn't tell anyone about it until I found out if it worked or not! It wasn't just you!"
"I'm not everyone!" she retorted. "I'm your wife and still that was more important than coming to California with me?"
"I hopped a plane first thing the next morning and I was right there with you from the moment I got to the hospice until we got home and even after that!" he said, feeling he should lower his tone of voice but not yet finding the ability to do so. "I'm sorry you felt left out of that decision, but it was my choice to have the surgery and my choice to tell people about it when and how I wanted to!"
"We should have made it together," she argued. "You should have consulted me. How do you think I felt when I found out?"
He pondered her question for a moment, beginning to calm down a little. "Probably...pretty surprised; left out...mad..."
"Try hurt, Commander," she bit out. "Hurt and stupid, just like now."
With an exasperated sigh, he continued. "You don't need to feel stupid, Mac. I didn't tell you about the operation right away, that was my doing, not yours."
"I should have known, that's all," she sighed. "I should have know that flying was more important, that you would do something like that...that there was a hidden reason that you didn't come to Fresno with me directly," she replied. "I don't wan to talk about this anymore. I'm tired and would like to go home and lie down."
"Okay," he said. He was quiet for several minutes before attempting to start another conversation. "When is your next appointment with Dr. Bradley?"
"Next Tuesday," she replied. "Why are you going?"
"If it's okay with you," he said, his tone a complete 180 from before. "I'd like to."
"I'll see," she replied. They were back to cold tones again, a huge switch from the weekend. "I wonder if Lucy behaved for AJ?"
"She always does," said Harm. "He loves spending time with her, both the kids actually."
"She always behaved for us too," Mac replied. "Last night she shouted at you, kicked me...I don't know what to do with her."
"We need to work on us," he said. "That's no doubt what's at the root of her acting out; all the tension she's surrounded with right now."
"Well I don't really see that getting better in the foreseeable future so maybe we can ask her teacher at tomorrow's meeting. Maybe she can help," Mac suggested.
He nodded. "I hope so. I hope there's something we can do while we're working through this mess. Neither of the kids should have to deal with any of this, and we need to keep their lives as normal as we can."
"Can you get their dinner tonight?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure," he answered. "Do we have anything at home, or should I stop at the store?"
"I think we have a couple of burgers and some Caesar salad mix," she replied.
"That'll work," he said. "What are you and I having, do you know?"
"Whatever you want, I'm not hungry," Mac told him. She hadn't been hungry all weekend; in fact she's only eaten maybe a cup of soup and a sandwich total, at least the stayed in. "I'm too upset with you right now to eat with you."
"Well, you don't have to eat with me, Mac," he said "But you do need to eat." He knew he couldn't force her to eat, or do anything else for that matter, but he loved her too much to not be worried when she went too long without food.
"If I'm hungry later, I'll eat. Right now I want to lie down," she said. "Alone."
He knew this was her way of telling him she wanted the bedroom back, and that he'd once again be spending the night in the guest room. "Okay," he said, not looking forward to that lumpy mattress but knowing without any doubt that he deserved to be on it.
They rode in tense silence the rest of the way home. Mac got out of the car first but waited for Harm so that they could keep up appearances for the Admiral. They walked into the house together, Harm opening the door for her and called out, "We're home!"
"Ah, perfect timing," said AJ. "They were just asking me what they could have for dinner."
"Hey, AJ," Mac greeted. "Where are they?"
"Playing in DJ's room," he replied. "Something about a pirate ship I think, I don't know."
"Legos," Mac sighed. "Harm, I'm going to lie down. Feed them, would you?" With that she dropped her purse and headed to the bedroom.
AJ looked after Mac baffled, "Okay, what's this about?"
Harm slipped his jacket off and laid it across the back of the couch. "We're, uh, we're still having some problems, AJ" he said.
"What sort of problems, Harm?" AJ asked in a father like tone. "Lucy is acting oddly, DJ is fussy, Mac looks like the walking dead and you...you've aged ten years. Talk to me, Son."
With a pained sigh, Harm spoke. "It's...'marital stuff'. I did...well...I did something that upset her and we're trying to work through it. It's...hard."
AJ sighed, "Whatever it is...you better work through it. You're daughter...well she...I don't want to tell on her she's apparently having a rough time but..."
"Oh boy," said Harm. "What now?"
"Well, I told her she had to do her homework first before she could play...She told me she didn't have to listen to me, I wasn't her Daddy and went I tried to sit her down to help her he threw a fit. I've never seen anything like it."
"I'm sorry," said Harm. "She's been having a hard time lately, this mess between Mac and I isn't good for the kids. We're meeting with her teacher on Tuesday morning, hopefully we can come up with something to help her."
"I told her I was going to tell you," AJ sighed. "You're going to need to..."
"I know, I know," said Harm in a frustrated sigh. "A lot of things need taken care of right now, Lucy's situation being right beside ours at the top of the list. I'll talk with her, but she's been really withdrawn when it comes to talking with me lately. I think she's...no, I know she's mad at me."
"Well...make up with her," AJ advised. "Make up with them both. As always, if you need me..." He told him as he headed to the door.
"Thanks, AJ," said Harm as he opened the door to let the man out. "We appreciate it."
"No, Harm," AJ replied. "I do." With that he was gone.
When DJ and Lucy heard the door close they came out of the bedroom. DJ had tears in his eyes when he saw Harm alone and Lucy looked downright scared.
"Hey, guys," said Harm walking towards his children and kneeling down to their eye level. "What's wrong?"
"Mommy?" DJ asked looking for Mac. Lucy remained silent.
"Mommy's taking a nap," said Harm, taking his son into his arms. "You guys want to help me fix some dinner? Lucy, you can shake up the salad dressing, okay?"
"I don't want to," she said and flopped down on the floor. "You do it."
"DJ see Mommy," the little boy requested after his sister's revolution.
Harm took a deep breath. "Okay," he said. "We'll go say hi to Mommy really quick, and then we have to leave her alone so she can rest, and we'll fix dinner." He stood up with DJ still in his arms leaving Lucy alone in her pout.
Harm carried the tot to the master bedroom door and knocked. "What?" Mac asked from inside.
"DJ wants to see you for just a minute," replied Harm.
"Okay," Mac replied and sat up legs over the edge of the bed.
Harm opened the door and carried their son in with him. "See," he told the boy. "Mommy was just taking a nap. Wanna give her a hug?"
The little boy nodded and wiggled to get down. "Down," he commanded his father as Mac smiled. "Come to Mommy, Sweetie."
"He was wondering where you were," said Harm, sensing that Mac wasn't feeling sick, she was feeling hurt and upset.
Mac felt a terrible pain just then, one of guilt. How could she have...She hadn't even went to hug her children. She took DJ from Harm and hugged him tight. "You hungry Sailor?" she asked the child and the man.
"I know I am," said Harm, feeling a little ray of hope that the evening might not be completely lost after all. "You ready for some dinner, DJ?" he asked.
The little one nodded, "Lucy too?" he asked his parents.
"Yeah, Lucy's hungry, too," answered Harm. "What should we eat?"
"Let's go out," Mac declared. "Let's go to Reds."
Harm looked at her, eyes wide with surprise. "Uh, okay," he said with a smile. "DJ, go tell Lucy to put her shoes on, okay pal?"
"Kay," the toddler replied and went to get his shoes and tell his sister to get ready.
"I'm glad you want to eat together," said Harm. "Think we can talk later, after they go to bed?"
"Maybe," Mac replied. "How's Lucy?" she asked as she rose to brush her hair and get ready to go.
"Same as usual anymore," he said. "AJ said she threw a fit over doing her homework. She's having a tough time with all this."
"Let me try with her today okay?" Mac asked. Harm always took over with Lucy, but this time Mac was going to handle it.
"Okay, sure," he agreed. "She doesn't really talk to me right now, but maybe she'll talk to you."
Mac sighed and put her shoes back on as she headed for their bedroom door. She knew she'd and Harm would have to talk and she knew that it would be painful and long and everything she hated. She smiled though as she saw Lucy helping DJ with his shoes, "Ready to go Lucy Bear?"
"Yeah," replied the child with more enthusiasm than they'd seen from her in awhile. "Can I have some root beer there?"
"Yes, only one though," Mac replied. "The sodas are big."
"Okay," said the little girl, grabbing Harm's hand. "Let's go, Daddy!"
"Coming, Button," he smiled.
Together the family left the house and for awhile the pain behind them. They went to the popular family eatery often in happier times, and somehow being there and seeing the familiar surroundings helped a bit.
The waitress had just brought their drinks when Harm felt his cell phone vibrate. Removing it from his pocket, he glanced at the screen and answered it with a smile. "Hello, Grams."
"How are you Harmon?" Grams asked. She had not spoken to Harm since he'd been out to see her. She wanted to let him tend to things with his family, but now she wanted to see his family. It was nearing Veterans weekend and Harm had promised they would all come and visit. "How's Sarah and the children?"
"Everyone is good," he said, taking a sip of his Diet Coke. "How about yourself? Still feeling up for a visit?"
"That's why I'm calling. I miss you all, I want to see my great grandbabies," she told him as Mac looked on.
"Well, I know they want to see you, too," he said. "Should we plan to come up that Friday afternoon and stay through Monday, like usual?"
"Please do," Grams replied. "How did that thing go?" She was dying to ask.
He didn't dare tell her it hadn't gone well at all, not over the phone while his family was right there. "Pretty well," he said. "We're all out having dinner right now, really enjoying ourselves." He knew she'd catch on to his inability to talk about that particular issue just then.
"Can't talk about it now, I see," Grams replied. "Yes or no answers okay?"
"Yeah, that sounds good," he answered.
"You still living at home?" she asked, that was the most important.
"Mm-hmm, yeah," he said, hoping he was disguising the conversation enough that Mac wouldn't catch on.
"That's good isn't it?" she asked. "Did you tell the kids?"
"No, I sure didn't," he said, taking another sip of his soda.
"Good, good," Grams sighed. "I'll leave it for now. Sarah, you and I can talk about it when you come up. How's her health?" she asked.
"It's better," he said. "We're all looking forward to coming to see you, it's been too long."
"It sure has. Well, I'll let you get back to your dinner. I'll see you Friday," she said cheerfully.
"Okay, we love you," he said.
"I love you too," Grams replied. "Kiss the kids and Sarah. See you soon."
"I will. Goodnight, Grams," he said as he ended the call and returned the phone to his pocket. "She's excited about us going to see her on Friday," he said to Mac and the kids.
Mac's face fell when Harm mentioned the trip. That was the last thing she'd be able to tolerate, but for the children's sake she said, "Yeah, me too. What about you Lucy?"
"Uh-huh!" she exclaimed. "We'll get to have suckers!" Grams always had a bag of suckers on hand for when the little ones came to visit, and from an early age, that became the highlight of every trip to Belleville.
"Will you share with Mommy, Lucy?" Mac asked Lucy flashing a bright smile.
"Yeah," replied the little girl. "You can have the red ones, those are the best."
Mac smiled at her daughter, "Lucy, can Mommy and Daddy ask you something?"
"Uh-huh," she answered, taking a big drink of her root beer.
"Here, son," said Harm as he reached over to pick up DJ's cup. "Let Daddy hold it while you take a drink."
"Sweetie, are you angry or upset at Mommy or Daddy?" Mac asked as she watched Harm expertly tend to DJ.
Without missing a beat, Lucy answered. "Yes. I'm mad that Daddy hurt your feelings and mad that he can't sleep in the big bed every night." It went much deeper than that, but Lucy was too young to realize it.
"Lucy, Mommy and Daddy explained that to you. Was there something you didn't understand?" Mac asked, knowing that this would be hard for her daughter. It was hard for her and she was an adult.
"No," said the child, playing with the crayons the waitress had given her to draw on her placemat. "I want you to both say 'sorry' and both sleep in the big bed every night." To her, the answer was easy. To her parents, it was anything but.
"Lucy, baby," said Harm. "Remember, I told you that Mommy and I are going to a special doctor to help us make everything better?"
"Yes," Lucy replied continuing to color.
"Well," he said. "The doctor is helping us, but we're not all better yet. We will be, though, okay?" He looked at Mac, trying to gauge her feelings about his idea that they'd be okay.
"Lucy...if you are upset at Mommy or Daddy for something," Mac said. "Do you remember what we told you about that? What we told you to do?"
"To talk to you," answered Lucy, still not looking up from her placemat.
"Why didn't you?" Mac asked. "Lucy, look at Mommy while she's talking to you okay?"
The child slowly looked up at her mother. "I don't want to talk when you and Daddy are sad," she said.
Mac didn't know how to respond to that, she looked at Harm, eyes pleading for his assistance.
Before he had a chance to say anything, the waitress arrived with a huge tray of food.
"That looks good, doesn't it?" he asked DJ as the waitress placed a plate of chicken nuggets and fries in front of the child.
"Yummy!" DJ shouted and reached for a steaming hot French fry.
"Ooh, careful, careful," said Harm, reaching over to spread out the food and break some of it into smaller pieces to cool. "You want ketchup for your fries, buddy?"
"Mussard," DJ replied.
Harm laughed a bit and reached for the bottle of mustard at the end of the table. "You're a funny boy," he said as he squeezed a small puddle onto DJ's plate. "There you go," he said. "Eat up."
Mac laughed at his request, "He eats like I do," she smiled. "Here Lucy, let Mommy cut your burger."
It took them about ten minutes to get the children situated and eating their dinner. Then Mac brought them back into the conversation. "Lucy...Can we finish talking while you eat?"
"I don't wanna talk, Mommy," she said, taking a bite of her cheeseburger. "It makes me sad."
"Lucy, do you know what makes a Mommy very sad, any Mommy?" Mac asked.
The little girl shook her head and reached for her soda.
"Knowing that one of her babies is sad about something," Mac answered. "Mommy can't make it better if you don't tell me what's wrong. And Mommy and Daddy love you very much, Sweetie."
"We sure do," said Harm, swallowing a bite of his seafood salad. "When you're sad, you should come tell us."
"I know talking makes you sad, Honey," Mac empathized. "Sometimes Mommy gets sad while she and Daddy talk, but you have to talk to us Honey. Come on," Mac encouraged.
"We're not going to be mad at you."
"I don't want to!" exclaimed the girl as she sat her burger back on her plate and began to cry frustrated tears.
Harm and Mac looked at each other, both feeling badly for upsetting Lucy again. "Lucy Bear," said Harm, placing his fork on the edge of his plate and sliding closer to her.
"Come here; come sit with me for a minute."
Still crying, Lucy slid over and climbed into her Daddy's lap, laying her head against his shoulder.
"Shh," he said, his arms around the little girl. "You don't need to be sad right now, okay? You can talk about it later, at home if you want to."
"I don't want to," she cried. "I just want you to sleep in the big bed."
He looked across the table at Mac, his eyes asking the loaded question she was afraid was coming. With a sigh and a nod, she answered him.
"Lucy," continued Harm after he was sure of Mac's reply, "Daddy will go to sleep in the big bed tonight. Will that make you feel better?"
"Uh-huh," answered Lucy with a sniffle. "Can I go eat my food now?"
Mac smiled at the turn around. As much as she needed her space, she also needed her daughter to feel safe and happy, that had to come before any of her own wants. "Sure you can, Baby," Mac replied. "Make sure its cool."
The rest of the meal passed uneventfully, Mac barely ate her dinner, she more moved it around on the plate. She did however eat ice cream with Lucy, so Harm was satisfied she wouldn't faint on him.
DJ was sleeping by the time they got home, but Lucy was wide awake. She was still on edge after dinner and was having a hard time falling asleep.
Mac helped Lucy get into her jammies and read her two stories, but still Lucy refused to go to sleep. Finally Mac knew it was time for the big guns, "Harm!"
"Yeah!" he called back from the living room.
"Can you come in here please?" she asked. "How about if Daddy sings you a song?" Mac suggested to the little girl.
"Okay," said the child as a yawn came over her.
Harm came down the hall and entered Lucy's room. "What's wrong?" he asked. "Someone having a hard time falling asleep?"
"Lucy would like you to sing to her," Mac told him.
He smiled, he loved singing to his little girl. "I can do that," he said softly, sitting down on the edge of Lucy's bed. "You want me to sing your song, Button?"
Lucy nodded and leaned her head against Mac's chest as Harm began to softly sing.
Mac stroked her daughter's hair and listened to her husband sing. She closed her eyes as she listened to the words he'd sung to her when Lucy was still a hope to be realized and fondly remembered a happier time.
It was two am and Mac was tossing in bed. The baby was pressing against her sciatic nerve and if that wasn't bad enough, it was kicking up a storm. Harm was tired, he'd been sick with the flu and was still recovering. She tried to be still and not disturb him, but finally her tossing and groaning woke him.
"You okay?" he asked groggily as he rolled over to face her.
"Yeah," she replied. "I just can't get comfortable." She shifted again.
"Baby lying in a bad place again?" he asked, "or do you need a snack or a back rub or something?"
"I need to have this baby and get it over with," Mac sighed. "He's got his nights and days mixed up."
"Oh, so it's a 'he' now, is it?" asked Harm with a little smile. He was home on a weeks leave and had unfortunately spent 5 days of it sick. "Think 'he' would like a little lullaby?"
Before she could answer the baby kicked her hard, causing her back to flare up, "Oh!"
"What?" he asked in concern. "What's wrong? What can I do?"
"Nothing," Mac replied. "She just kicked me really hard."
"Now it's a 'she"?" he asked, relieved that nothing was wrong. "Well, why don't you come over here next to me, and I'll sing our child - be it a he or a she - that lullaby."
"Can you rub my belly while you're at it?" she asked him.
"Of course" he answered softly, moving the covers out of the way so she could snuggle in close. When she was right beside him, he placed his right hand on her round belly, rubbing gently as he began to sing.
It was Harm's gentle touch on her arm, though not his belly that brought her out of her memory. She jumped at the touch.
"Sorry," he said, "didn't mean to make you jump. She's out."
"Thank you," Mac replied as she slipped off Lucy's bed. "I was just thinking."
"I could tell" he said as they walked quietly out the door. "What were you thinking about?"
"The first time you sang that to her," Mac sighed. "That was so precious to me. All those memories..."
He smiled a little as he remembered that special night. "Yeah" he said. "We've got...got a lot of memories." He stopped in front of the master bedroom, looking at her before he walked in. "Mac, about this" he said softly. "It's only for Lucy, otherwise I'd give you your space."
"I know," Mac replied. "It's best for her. Did the water bill come?" she asked as she began to change.
"I don't know," he said. "I didn't check the mail. I'll go get it now."
"Okay," Mac replied. "It's late that's why I asked."
"I'll go see," he said, heading from the bedroom to the living room. He opened the front door and reached into the mail box, retrieving a fist full of mail. After closing and locking the door, he returned to the bedroom.
"Let's see," he said, flipping through the pile. "Junk...junk...something from a new grocery store opening down the road...What's this?" he asked rhetorically as he came to an envelope in the middle of the pile.
Harm read the Navy issue letter carefully, his face falling as he read the words on the page. "What is it?" Mac asked concerned at his expression.
"My Hornet quals," he said. "They're due. What lovely timing." He tossed the letter onto the bed.
"When?" she asked.
"Now," he answered. "As of 0001 Friday, they'll be expired."
"Well, at least you won't miss your grandmother's place," Mac said. "I'm sorry, Harm."
"How did I forget about these?" he asked himself out loud, as if there was any question. "Well, I guess I'll be gone for a couple days this week."
"That's okay," Mac replied. "It'll only be a short time. Just be careful okay?" she asked sliding into bed.
"Always am," he said, heading into the master bathroom to get ready for bed.
Mac lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. She wanted her space tonight after their therapy session but their children's needs out weighed her own. She only hoped he wouldn't want to talk about it. She'd just calmed down again and the pain of it would cause her to morph into a witch all over again.
Harm turned the bathroom light off and went to join Mac in bed, something he hadn't done in weeks. He slid into his usual place and pulled the covers up to his waist, and with a long sigh he began the conversation Mac was dreading. "I'm not really feeling any better about 'us', are you?"
"No," she replied. "If anything...Harm, I'm really not in the mood for having this conversation tonight. I'm not feeling well."
He turned to face her side of the bed. "I'm not buying that tonight, Mac. I can tell when you're really not feeling well and when you're just trying to avoid a conversation with me, and this is clearly the latter. Please, we need to talk. Commander McCool said that was one area of our relationship that is seriously lacking, and it's more important now than ever that we learn to talk things through."
"Why?" Mac asked. "Why now? What's that going to change?" She crossed her arms over her chest and held his gaze.
"A lot," he answered. "Mac, we'll never make it through this if we can't learn to talk to each other. Not talking is what got us here - if I'd talked to you about what I was feeling, maybe I wouldn't have ended up so depressed and wouldn't have made such a stupid mistake."
Mac sighed, "Fine, Commander. You win. What do you think we should talk about?" her tone was cynical, sarcastic even.
"I need you to be honest with me," he said. "And tell me, realistically, where your heart is telling you this will all end up. Do you feel like we've really got a chance, that we'll have to fight for it but its there, or do you feel like we'll be a million miles apart forever?"
Mac sighed, "I don't know Harm. When we left that office tonight, I honestly wanted to go to Bud or Sturgis and ask them to file a divorce petition. Then in the restaurant with you, even sitting her close to you, I think we can make it. I'm so damned confused..." She sighed. "Maybe going to Grams' farm will help."
"I hope it will," he said softly. "This is the first time you've actually used the word 'divorce' in all this, well, directly to me anyway. I've known all along it's a possibility, but God, Mac; I don't want that to be where we end up. What would be an acceptable outcome to you - what could I do to settle this mess to the point we can put it behind us and focus on the future?"
Mac thought a minute..."Maybe...make me understand. Try and tell me where you were when it happened. You've said you were depressed and hurting but...you said if we'd talked then maybe this wouldn't have happened. Well tell me what you'd say Harm, what would you say?"
"You mean what would I say now," he asked. "Or what would I have said before?"
"Before," Mac replied. "What you would have said then? Tell me."
He took a deep breath. "I suppose I would have told you that I felt awful about your diagnosis, and even worse that you didn't tell me the whole story for two months after you found out. I would have said that I wanted you to come to me with your pain instead of hiding it away and keeping it from me. You were hurting so much and I couldn't be there for you because you wouldn't let me, and that really hurt."
"I...I was just so afraid," Mac confessed. "I was so afraid that..." Her voice started to choke up and a tear fell. "You see that's why I don't want talk about this."
He began to reach out to touch her hand, then hesitated. He wasn't sure, but seeing her in such pain, he couldn't help himself, and he went ahead and gently laid his hand over hers. "We have to talk about this," he said softly. "There's no sense in keeping anything hidden any longer - I mean, we're in therapy, sooner or later everything is bound to come out, and I know I'll feel a lot better about some of those things if they come out here, just between the two of us, than with the Commander sitting there listening to us go back and forth."
Mac pulled her hand back. "Tell me how much it hurt Harm. What did it feel like?" She asked as her jaw began to quiver. "Huh?"
"It felt like hell," he said, his heart falling at her recoil. "To know that you'd carried that pain, that secret around for two months and not allowed me to be any part of it; it nearly killed me when you finally let me in on it, Mac. It hurt to know that when something that big befell you, something that involved both of us; you chose to keep me on the outside."
"Well I guess you know how I feel then," Mac replied. "At least I didn't betray you."
"But you did, Mac," he said. "You betrayed me by not allowing me to do my job as your husband, by keeping me out of the loop. There are lots of ways to betray someone."
"Fine, so what if I'd said Harm I have this horrible disease and I need an operation oh and by the way I can't have any more babies...what would you do with that? Probably the same thing you did," she accused. "I don't believe that you did what you did because I didn't tell you, I think you would have done it anyway, the timing is just a convenient excuse."
"Are you saying I would've done what I did in Mexico regardless of anything else in my life?" he asked, hoping it was just Mac's anger and pain talking and not her heart.
"No", Mac shot. "I'm saying you did it because I can't...I'm saying that you did it because of my illness and whether or not I let you in you would have done it anyway. I didn't let you in, that gives you an excuse, but I doubt it made a very big difference."
"You think it was all about sex?" he asked, his defenses going up in record time. "You can look me in the eye right now and honestly tell me that you think I did what I did in Mexico because I hadn't gotten any in a few months? Mac, that's just crazy!"
"Well, I guess I really need that shrink then," she hissed. "Because that's exactly what I think!"
"I don't believe this!" he said, tossing the covers off of himself and jumping out of the bed. "I missed being with you like that, sure, I'll admit that, but despite what you seem to think, I can go way longer than a few months without sex before the thought of getting it from anyone but you would even begin to creep into my mind, which by the way if that ever did happen, I'd push it right back out! I'm responsible for what I let happen in Mexico, I accept that 100 percent, but I don't want you thinking it was just about sex 'cause it wasn't!"
"Then what the Hell was it really about?" Mac shouted at him. "All I've heard is you were depressed, you were drunk, all excuses. If you really wanted to you could have stopped yourself anytime...depressed or not you could have, but bottom line Harm, you didn't."
"Jesus, Mac!" he exclaimed, closing their bedroom door in hopes the kids would remain asleep. "I've said it a hundred times, I was so wasted by that point, and all I remember are foggy bits and pieces! Obviously my body knew what it was doing that night, but my brain and every ounce of deductive logic I possessed were drowning in tequila! Had I been able to think, not only could I have stopped, I never, ever would have started in the first place! There's a reason they say drinking too much can lower a persons inhibitions - it's true! I was a genuine ass that night, I allowed myself to fall prey to that conniving bitch and it's had some horrible consequences, but what happened did not contain any forethought whatsoever, not on my part anyway!" He knew Annie had played him for a fool and taken advantage of his pain, but he also knew that despite any of that, he was still fully responsible for his actions and for placing himself in a compromising situation to begin with.
"Well lying to me afterwards took a lot of conscious thought. I was wondering why you know...why you wanted to suddenly make love to me the night you came home, why you brought me those roses...God! I should have seen right through it."
"Mac, we used to make love all the time" he said, "and I can't think of too many nights when I came home from being TAD that we didn't jump right into bed as soon as we got the chance, so why should this have made you wonder?"
"Because of six months worth of trips and assignment that ended up with us on opposite sides of the bed," she countered. "That's what made me wonder. Since I got diagnosed, we had sex once after and not again until that night. It should have sent up a ton of red flags and if that didn't the flowers...I can't remember the last time you brought me roses before that night."
"Okay, so I felt guilty as hell and I was trying to cover it" he said. "You got me, Counselor, big surprise there. You still haven't answered my question though - what is a satisfactory outcome for you? What do I have to agree to do to make amends in your mind, or is there even anything?"
"Don't ask me that right now," Mac replied. "You won't like the answer."
"I need the answer" he said in frustration. "I don't like any of this, but its reality and we have to deal with it, and I'm asking you, point blank what I have to do - tell me!"
"Nothing," she replied then. "Nothing you can do can fix this Harm. Nothing can...We're not going to make it. Let's just stop kidding ourselves."
"Nothing?" he asked in astonishment. "You just said you felt like we could! I'm not ready to give up on us, Mac, but if your mind is already made up, you better tell me now so we can stop playing games and do whatever we're gonna do."
"That's what I mean...Sometimes I think we can and others like now...I...I just..." She didn't want to say how she felt about him, but she knew he'd make her. Still she waited until forced.
"That means we've still got a chance" he said, "still have something to fight for! I hate that all this happened, but God, Mac...I still love you more than anything in this world. Can you tell me, here and now, that you don't love me anymore?" He thought for sure his heart would crumble to dust if she answered the wrong way.
"I...Harm, I...I can't say that I don't love you, but right now I hate you so much I can't say I do either," she replied, knowing this would kill him to hear, but he'd pushed it, he had to hear it, so there it was.
Dust. Pure, unadulterated dust is what his heart became as he listened to his wife, the mother of his children and the only woman he'd ever loved say that she hated him. "I...Mac..." he whispered as he felt the tears well up in his eyes. "Why...What...What is it about this...that makes you hate me?"
"I can't trust you anymore Harm," Mac replied. "I can count on you, I don't know that a single thing you do for me is out of love anymore or if it is out of guilt. I hate this, I hate everything about it...and you are a huge part of this situation, you caused it and I hate you for doing this to me, to us, to our children. Look at what you've done to Lucy, our sweet baby girl, now's she hitting people...all you!"
"Remind me of that a few more times, why don't you?" he snapped. "Remind me that our family is falling apart because of what I allowed to happen in Mexico! I told Lucy I'd sleep in here tonight, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna break that promise, so either we stop this back and forth bullshit and talk things out, like we're supposed to be doing, or we turn the light's out and lie here angry with each other. Your call."
In response she leaned over and turned off the bedside light and rolled over on her side her back to his side of the bed.
He huffed back into bed and forcibly put his head against his pillow. He was hurting more than ever before in his life, and when all was said and done, he was the only one to blame. He closed his eyes as the hot tears began spilling out. His little girl was mad at him. His wife hated him, at least most of the time lately. Nothing he could do could change either of those things, though he wanted to change them both in an instant and ease the suffering he'd brought upon his family. With a few silent sobs, he lept out of the bed again, this time heading for the living room, picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Hello," the soft voice of Sarah Rabb spoke. She sounded like she was sleeping.
"Grams" he said with a little sniffle. "It's Me, Harmon. I'm sorry to wake you, but..."
"Harmon?" Grams was up in an instant. "What's wrong? Is someone sick?" Immediately she was worried about his family.
"No, no one's sick" he said. "It's...things are bad with me and Mac. Really bad."
"Harm, are you crying?" his grandmother asked.
"Mm-hmm" he answered as another sob came over him. "I'm sorry..." he whispered.
"Don't be sorry, Honey," she said gently. "Tell me what happened."
He proceeded to tell her everything, from how Mac had already found the shirt by the time he got home from Pennsylvania, to her throwing him out for a night, therapy and everything in between. "I'm not sure we're gonna make it" he sobbed.
"Harm, no matter what happens you and Sarah love each other, you'll make it, I promise Honey," Grams assured him. "I'll see what I can do when you come this weekend."
He felt the tears continue to flow as his precious grandmother offered to help. "Thanks, Grams" he cried. "We have to make it; we have to be okay."
"You'll be okay, Honey," Grams said again. "You're in therapy, working really hard, what makes you think its over?"
"She said so" he whispered. "She said sometimes she feels like it's all over."
"Isn't that her right, though. I mean...she had her world turned upside down...She's scared and hurt, but she still loves you, that hasn't changed?" Grams tried again to get him to see that.
"She might love me when she doesn't hate me" he said, feeling his heart break all over again.
"She doesn't hate you, Harm," Grams comforted. "She's just angry at you."
He wanted to believe that so badly, but he just wasn't sure. "I...I don't know anymore, Grams. Everything is a mess. Lucy is acting out and having problems at school - life around here is total chaos and it's all my fault."
"Yes," Grams agreed. "It is your fault, but you have to stop pitying yourself and try and fix this. Does Sarah know how upset you are? Why don't you go to her, tell her you need her...make her feels like she's important in your life again. Tell her the guilt is eating at you."
"I can't" he said. "She said she doesn't trust me anymore; said she wonders now if everything I do is out of guilt instead of out of love. I...I do need her and she is important, but I can't make her see that. I'm losing...losing everyone that I love."
"That hurts doesn't it?" Grams asked. "Doesn't it?"
"It's killing me" he sobbed, wishing his grandma was there to hold him.
"I know," Grams said gently. "I know because I've been there, Sweetie. But you have to remember this...you have someone who'll always love you, good or bad. You're never going to lose me, and I love you so much. You're my little boy after all, all I have left of your Daddy and pop. I'll get better, you'll see."
"I hope so" he said, wiping his eyes. "I'm sorry I called so late, but I needed to talk to someone and-"
"Harm, it's never too late for you to call me. It's nice to know I'm still needed," Grams replied.
"I'll always need you, Grams" he said. "I'll let you get back to bed now. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Honey," she told him. "Go now try and get some rest and call me tomorrow, let me know how you are, okay?"
"Okay" he agreed. "Thanks for listening to me. Goodnight, Grams."
"Good night, Harmon," she said softly before hanging up and saying a prayer for her grandson and his family.