A/N: Sorry for the long delay. Most of the chapters are written in advance, up through 65, but with Mark's health continuing to decline it is hard to get them proofed. Please continue your prayers.

Thirty six hours later Mac was on a plane to Utah. Mic had not taken it well, her decision to go to Harm as he lay sick in Utah, but eventually he'd accepted it was what she needed to do and agreed to help with Lucy and DJ.

Mac didn't know what to expect when she walked into the secluded cabin in the Utah Mountains. She was admitted to the home by a young man whom she could only assume was Sam and led through the living area decorated by Harm, with pictures the children had drawn, and photos of himself with the children. She reached the bedroom, where Harm lay upon a large four poster bed. She could hear his breathing from the doorway, and the closer she got the more labored it sounded.

There was a young woman, in her early thirties sitting beside him, wiping his forehead with a compress.

"Hi," said Mac softly. "Who are you?"

"I'm Rebecca Martin," she replied softly. "I live up the road aways. Who are you?" She asked as she continued to bath Harm's forehead and cheeks, making little shushing sounds when he's moan or gasp.

"How do you know him?" she asked, nodding towards her ex-husband.

"Well, like I said I live just up the road. When he moved in a few of us came to greet him," she smiled. "You didn't answer my question."

"I'm Mac, I'm his ex-wife," she answered.

"Ah, yes," Rebecca smiled. "He's called for you often. And for the little one, Lucy."

Mac nodded. "Our little girl."

"I met her," Rebecca smiled. "She's beautiful. So is the little boy, David is it?"

"DJ," said Mac. "His initials, David Jonathan."

Before Rebecca could respond Harm began to cough and cough hard. The fluid in his chest was audibly rattling, but he lacked the ability to rid his body of it. When he finally relaxed he was having an even harder time breathing than before.

"He sounds like he's about to die!" gasped Mac, holding her hands to her face in shock.

"He's very sick," Rebecca replied. "His fever is nearly 104 and he has pneumonia in both lungs now."

"My God," whispered Mac. "Why isn't he in the hospital?"

"He won't go," Rebecca replied. "We tried twice and it just made him weaker. He wants to be left alone here."

"Has he even seen a doctor?" she asked, fighting back tears at the sight of the man she loved for so long lying there, possibly dying before her.

"Yes, a doctor's been out every day since Jason told me Harm was so ill," she replied. "They've drained his lungs twice...but...he has to fight and he's not."

"I've never known Harmon Rabb, Jr. to back down from a fight," Mac said. "Why...I can't figure out why he's just letting go like this."

"When he's not sleeping, listen to him," Rebecca replied. "May I ask you something?" She asked as she moved to roll Harm to his side so he could breathe a bit easier.

Mac nodded.

"Why are you here?" she asked. "You are no longer his wife, why come all this way?"

"Because," began Mac. "He's my ex-husband, the father of my children, and I heard he was in bad shape, so for their sake, I'm here." She knew that was only a partial truth; she was there for more than just the sake of the kids.

Before Rebecca could say something further, Harm murmured something unintelligible in his fitful sleep.

"It's what?" Mac asked, moving closer to him. "Harm, say it again if you can hear me."

"It's no use," he said again only the tiniest bit louder.

"Oh, Harm..." whispered a very troubled Mac. She looked over at Rebecca. "He's just giving up; waiting to die. How can he do this? He has 2 children who need him, damn it!"

"Does he?" Rebecca asked. "He's been here since October...they've only been here once," she replied. "We've all tried to help, we pray every night for him to get his hope back. Whatever happened to him," the young woman looked at Mac. "I don't have to wonder who's at fault for this."

"Don't you dare stand there and judge me!" exclaimed Mac. "You know nothing of my life, nothing of what our marriage was like, and you have no right to accuse me of causing this!"

Once again Rebecca was cut off by Harm. Again he made an unintelligible remark, only this time, he opened his eyes.

Mac rushed to his side. "Harm! Harm, it's me; it's Mac. Can you hear me?"

He opened his eyes and looked at her, "Mac?"

"I'm here," she repeated, "I'm here now and I'm going to stay here and make sure you get over this, okay?"

"Hurts," he managed and touched his chest with his hand. "Can't...breathe."

"I know you can't," she said, touching his hand as it laid upon his chest. "You need to be in a hospital, on oxygen and medication. Why aren't you?"

"No," he said. "No...hosp..."His protest died in a fit of ineffectual coughing.

"But you're sick, Harm!" cried Mac. "Listen to yourself, you can't breathe, can barely speak - why are you doing this?"

He didn't answer her, he just continued to cough and gasp for breath.

"Don't yell at him," Rebecca sighed. "Comfort him, for God's sake."

Mac turned around in a flash. "You, go! Now, I mean it - I'm here and I'll be taking care of him from now on."

"I haven't told you how yet," she countered. "I'll wait until he's settled, then explain his treatments." She left the bedchamber to await Mac in the kitchen.

Mac sat with Harm until she saw that he had closed his eyes again, so she rose from beside the bed and joined Rebecca in the kitchen. "What do I need to know?"

Rebecca had laid out a long line of interesting looking products as well as pills and syrups. "These are his prescriptions. He takes these three pills in powder form he's too weak to swallow them whole. You grind them up and put them in water. Hold his head and make sure he drinks it down. She pointed to each bottle, for the pain, for the fevers, for his blood pressure..."

Mac nodded, "He still needs those."

"I assume so. These," she indicated the tubs and creams, "Are his some of his herbal remedies and salves."

"He was always into doing things 'naturally' when possible," sighed Mac. "What about bathing him, things like that?"

"I've been doing it, or Mrs. Connelly. He's bathed in bed once a day. The fever bathes are constant though," she sighed. "This green one with the smell, rub in on his chest after his bath and put hot rags over it for an hour after. This one, the clear one is for his joints, to help keep them from swelling, and this one...this just smells nice...it's for comforting him."

"I can remember that," said Mac, meaning she was capable of keeping track of the different creams, but her mind was going back to the many times in their marriage when they'd started off their most intimate moments with a massage of soft-smelling lotion or gel.

"When he gets bad..."

"What do you mean 'gets bad'?" asked Mac. "He IS bad..."

"This is nothing," Rebecca replied. "Last night...when the pain is bad or he's gasping harder or when you can hear his lung's fluid...You have to sit behind him and prop him up. Sometimes he gets some of the fluid up but either doesn't know it or can't expel it..." She handed her a large cotton swab, "Use this to clear his mouth. The doctor will be by about six o'clock. Try to keep his fever below 103 if you can and encourage him to eat when he can. There's broth and juices in the fridge."

Mac nodded, a sudden feeling of despair coming over her. "This is so much worse than I imagined. He's inches away from death, and he doesn't seem to care. I..."

"Make him care," Rebecca advised. "Can you handle him if I go?"

"I can, yes," she replied. "And I'm sorry about before, about what I said to you. I appreciate all you've done for him."

"Just my way of doing a good Christian act," Rebecca smiled. "This is an herbal tea," she took out a bag from her purse. "It'll ease his throat. Try and get him to take some when I leave."

Mac nodded. "I'll take good care of him."

"I'll check by tomorrow," Rebecca smiled. "Good luck."

Rebecca left then leaving Mac to tend to Harm on her own. She bathed his forehead, chest and back, and fed him sips of tea. She gave him his pills, put on his creams, and held him when he gasped for air or shook with pain and fatigue. For two days she did this until one morning when she lay sleeping in her chair beside his bed, he woke and really looked at her.

"Sarah?" he whispered his voice hoarse and soft, lacking any of his former strength. Still she heard it more on instinct than anything else.

She opened her eyes right away. "I'm right here, Harm. Are you okay? What can I get for you?"

"You're here," he said a tiny smile on his face. "You're here."

"I am," she answered softly, reaching out to touch his hand.

"Cold," he said as his body started to shake. "Hurts, Mac."

She leapt from her chair and went to him. "Here," she said, pulling the blankets up over him a little more and adding an extra one. "That should help."

"Why?" he asked eyes heavy, but he wanted to keep looking at her to make her real.

She knew he wasn't asking about the blankets. "Because you need me," she answered plainly, softly.

"Needed you..." he stopped to take a ragged, watery breath."Before."

His words hit her hard. "I know. I'm sorry, I...I'm here now, though, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Go," he said then and turned his head away. "Just...go."

"I won't go," she said firmly. "You're very sick and I'm staying here until you're well."

"Can I..." was all he could manage before he began to cough violently.

"Do you need to sit up?" she asked over the dreadful noise.

He couldn't manage a reply, but Mac could tell as the spasm got worse that he was not getting enough air laying down.

She carefully sat him up, then slid in behind him as Rebecca had instructed. "You're okay," she whispered in his ear. "I'm here, its okay."

When the spasm finally let go of him, he lay against her chest for several minutes working on getting air into his lungs.

"You need to be in the hospital," she said again.

Weakly he shook his head, "No. I'll be okay."

"Harm," she prodded gently, "I've never seen anyone so sick. This is crazy...but I can't force you to go."

He was silent for a few minutes then, "Its okay, Mac."

"No, it's not," she replied. "I'm...I feel like in some round-about way, I could have stopped this."

Harm nodded slightly, "You...could have."

She was quiet for a moment. "This is about us, isn't it? That's why you don't care what happens to you."

"Care," he argued as best he could.

"Really?" she asked firmly yet gently. "It looks to me like you're letting yourself fall apart and you don't want to get the kind of help you really need. This isn't the man I married 7 years ago. He would have fought this."

"Trying," he gasped. "So...so ti...tired," he rasped.

"Do you want to rest?" she asked his head still at rest against her chest.

He shook his head, "Tired of fighting," he clarified. "No point."

"Harmon David Rabb, Jr., how can you say that?" she asked. "You have two little kids who think you hung the moon and stars, do you want them growing up like you did, without their Daddy?"

"Have a Daddy," he said. "Have..." He paused just then, not coughing, not talking, and his chest stood still.

"Harm! Harm, what's happening? Talk to me!"

He wanted to speak to her, but he couldn't. He couldn't breath, he felt like when he was in the ocean drowning, gasping. He made tiny sounds in is throat, like a man who was choking on something, he was choking, but he couldn't make her see it.

Mac slid out from behind him, holding his body upright as she leaned around to see his face. "Harm! Can you breathe?"

He heard her and managed to shake his head. His lips were parted slightly as he tried to suck in air, but the air he sucked didn't reach his lungs.

She took to patting his back in hopes that would help clear out his clogged lungs just a bit, enough to retain his ability to breathe. "Is this any better?" she asked.

The spasm did subside as Mac patted his back, only he was not able to release the infected material, it simply slid back down. "Yes," he wheezed. "Better."

"Good," she said, rubbing small circles against his damp, sweaty back. "I'll get you some juice, okay?"

He shook his head and slumped sideways. "Don't want juice."

"What do you want?" she asked, longing to make him feel better.

"Becky..."he began and had to stop for breath.

"She went home," interrupted Mac, uneasy about just how close that woman and her ex-husband had become. It shouldn't have mattered to her - after all, she and Harm were divorced - but somehow, it ate her alive.

"No...she...Becky's tea," he said smiling at the look on her face. She'd been jealous just then.

"Oh, uh, okay," replied Mac, blushing a touch and knowing he saw it. "I'll go get you some. You want to sit up or lay back down?"

"I want to try to...sit up," he told her still sounding terribly winded.

She nodded. "Harm...why won't you go to the hospital? They can help you there in ways I can't help you here. This is just crazy."

"I...They can't help me," he whispered. "No one can help me...but..."

"But...?" queried Mac, her hands still on his back.

He turned his tired, fevered glazed eyes towards Mac, "You. I..." He dissolved into a fit of coughs again, but nowhere near as long as the last one.

Once again, she took to patting his back. "You don't really mean that" she said. "Of everyone who could be helping you, after...everything between us lately, I'm one of the last on the list."

"Can I..." he began. "Have the tea?"

"Oh yeah," she said. "Sit tight, I'll be back in just a second."

Harm leaned back against the hard headboard and fought the pain and exhaustion. He was glad Mac was here, that she still cared, he just wasn't sure he did. Quickly she was back with the warm tea and went to his side.

"Here we are," she said holding the cup to his lips. "Small sips, okay?"

He took a few small sips and turned his head away, "This is pathetic."

"I'm sorry," she said looking into the tea cup. "I'll make it stronger if you like."

He shook his head, "Tea is fine. Me...this..."

She nodded and set the cup on the side table. "Why did you let...'this' happen?"

He licked his dry lips and shifted in the bed. He was getting uncomfortable leaning against the wooden headboard. "Just...I don't know it...I guess I expected to shake it. It came on like this real sudden."

"That's not true and you know it," she said gently. "Lucy told me you were sick when they were here."

"It was only a little cold," he sighed. "This..." He stopped and tried to take a few deeper breaths and failed, only causing only a deep wheeze in his chest. "Went to bed one day and...Couldn't move the next."

"I see," she said softly. "I still don't understand the hospital avoidance though. You could have shaken this weeks ago, why didn't you?"

"Didn't see the point," he sighed. "Still don't. I'm better."

She knew it was futile to argue with him over it. "Well, you need to keep getting better, and I'm going to be here to make sure that happens."

He turned his eyes towards the tea cup, but didn't speak anymore.

She picked up the cup and held it to his lips again, wondering just what was going through his mind at the knowledge she was there for him.

He took a few more sips then turned again. "Mac..."

She looked him in the eye. "Mm-hmm?"

"Can you help me lie down?" he asked her. "Getting tired."

"Of course," she said, setting the tea cup down again and easing his tired, achy body down onto the mattress. "Are you too hot or too cold, anything?"

"Cold," he replied. "And my head kind of hurts."

"I'll get you another blanket." she said. "Do you want anything for your head? Tylenol or anything?"

He shook his head, "No. Can't take any of that. Just let me sleep."

As Harm drifted off into a restless sleep, Mac took a few minutes to call home and check on the kids. She dialed the number and waited for an answer.

"Hello," AJ answered. "Rabb residence"

"Oh, AJ, hi" said Mac. "I was expecting Mic, where is he?"

"He had to run to the office," AJ replied. "How is he? Any better?"

"Not as far as I'm concerned" she said. "He looks terrible and he sounds even worse. He needs to be in the hospital, but he refuses to go."

"He always hated them," AJ sighed. "Is he being treated by a doctor?"

"There's one who comes by every day to check on him," she said. "But it's not the same as being in the hospital, AJ. It's almost as if he just wants this to kill him, I...I don't get it."

"He's had a tough year. He lost his wife, he lost his children...he lost his honor, that's a lot to take in, Mac," AJ explained. "Here, Lucy," AJ said to the child. "Drink it all down."

"Stomach again?" asked Mac.

"Throat and head," AJ sighed. "I thought having her tonsils out would take care of it, but...red as a beat."

Mac sighed. "I'm sorry you have to deal with that. How's Mic handling her being sick?"

"Not as well as I'd like. He won't let her snuggle with him which I get, but he told her to stop "carrying on" and "grow up." We had a talk about that," AJ told her. "I'll be keeping Lucy with me until she's feeling better."

Mac felt her blood begin to boil at the knowledge that her fiancé was treating her daughter like that. "I appreciate that, AJ," she said. "Lucy needs a compassionate caregiver right now, and for whatever reason, Mic just isn't filling the role like he should be."

"He's never been a Dad, give him time," AJ sighed. "She wants to say hi to you, okay?"

"Of course," said Mac with a smile.

AJ handed the handset to Lucy, "Hi, Mommy."

"Hi, Lucy Bear," said Mac. "Are you not feeling well, baby?"

"No, but Uncle AJ is making me better. We had ice pops and Tylenol," Lucy told her Mommy. "Is Daddy there? I wanna talk to him."

"He's taking a nap right now, sweetie," replied Mac. "I'll tell him you want to talk to him though, and maybe later I can call again when he's awake."

"Is he better yet Mommy?" Lucy asked sniffling.

Mac sighed. "Not yet, but Mommy will make sure he gets better, I promise."

"Mac!" Harm called from the bed. "Mac!"

"Lucy, Baby, Mommy has to call you back," Mac said quickly. "I love you."

Mac found him lying amongst the sheets, half on half off the bed, arms and legs moving as if he were running or trying in vain to escape something. "I'm sorry," he rasped out. "I'm sorry, Baby."

"Hey, hey, calm down," she urged, trying to get him back up on the bed. "What's the matter?"

"I'm not gonna make it," he whimpered. "I'm trying. I'm trying."

"Trying to make it where?" she asked.

"It's so cold, so cold," he sighed, shaking. "I'm tired...I'm not gonna make it."

Mac deduced Harm was trapped in a nightmare, and began trying to gently shake him from it. "Harm! Wake up, it's me; it's Mac. I'm here and you're okay. Come on, wake up!"

He shook his head, "You're not here. You can't be here." His eyes had been opened but now had come wide as he stared at her. He took her in, but could not believe he was really seeing her.

"I am," she said gently, taking his hand and placing it against her cheek. "I am."

Slowly his heavy breathing slowed to the wheezes she'd become accustomed to the last few days and he began to run his thumb over her cheek, "You're so beautiful. So soft," he whispered. "But its cold."

"Here," she said, pushing his legs back up onto the bed and covering him back up with all the blankets. "Can I get you anything else? What would make you feel better, sweetie?"

She hadn't called him that in months, yet it slipped off her tongue so naturally.

He licked his lips and looked around a minute, slowly returning to lucidity. "I'm kind of hungry," he said. "Maybe some soup."

Mac went to the fridge and took out the Tupperware of orange goopy mush that Becky had told her was a squash based soups she'd made for Harm. She poured a bit of it into a bowl and heated in the microwave. She returned to his side to find his eyes open half way, as he lay against his pillows.

Mac placed the soup on the table and helped his sit up a bit so he'd be able to eat it better, then sat beside him and spooned up a bite. He took the small sip off the spoon, "I remember doing this for you not too long ago."

"It's been longer than you think," she said. "But I remember it, too."

"Is that why you're out here?" he asked her. "Is this some sort of payback?"

She was silent for a moment. "Not really. I knew you needed help, and I...you know, for the kids' sake, I..."

He nodded, "I know. How are the kids? Who's with them?"

"AJ is right now," she replied, offering him another spoonful of soup. "I left them with Mic, but it wasn't working out, so AJ took over."

"I don't like him around Lucy," Harm said, turning his head away for a good bout of coughing. When he finished he added, "He's too rough for her."

"How so?" asked Mac. "You do know we're engaged, right?"

The look on Harm's face said it all, "Well you don't waste time do you?" he asked softly. "When?"

"Two months ago," she said softly. "It just kind of happened. I didn't know how to tell you."

He nodded, "I..." He began coughing again, harder this time.

She hurriedly set the soup down and took to patting his back. "I'm sorry," she said, "I mean, I know we're over, but I still feel like you should have known before now."

After a few moments Harm relaxed and replied to her, weaker after each bout of coughing. "I don't want him around Lucy."

"I'm afraid that's not up for debate," she replied gently. "Want some more soup?"

He shook his head; he hadn't eaten even half of it. "No. I know...I mean I know...let AJ watch her while you work."

"Oh, uh, work," she began. "I'm not at the SECNAV's office anymore, or any office. I resigned my commission."

"What?" he asked truly baffled. "Why?"

She shook her head. "I guess we felt it was for the best with my health and all. I'm okay with it, though it's taking some getting used to."

He nodded and moved a bit in the bed, trying to lie down, "You never answered my question about the kids. How are they? I miss them."

"They're good," she said. "DJ misses you, they both do really, but he's begun asking for you more."

"He was so big when he was here a few weeks ago. He's a hell of a skiier," Harm smiled. "Do you..."

"What?" she encouraged.

"Do you ever miss me?" he asked. "Miss us, what we had?"

She looked him in the eye. "I..." she sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, I really do."

"This would be easier if we were still us, you know?" Harm sighed. "But its my fault we're not."

"Ultimately" she said, "you're right. You're the one who had the affair, but looking back, I...I can see even more what a role I played in pushing you there. It doesn't excuse it, but I can see a little clearer now how it happened."

"You never did forgive me," he sighed. "Did you?"

She wrung her hands together. "Not for that, no. I want to, but I'm just not there yet. Do you ever hear from her anymore? Did Peter take her back once the baby was born?"

"I don't know," Harm whispered. Mac could tell he was slipping. The flush in his cheeks was deepening signaling a rise in his fever.

"You need to get some more rest" she said. "Go ahead, I'll be here when you wake up and we'll do your medicine."

"I don't want to go back to sleep," he whispered, though his body was saying different.

"Harm, please don't fight it," she said. "You need your sleep. Can I make you more comfortable?"

He nodded slowly, "Can I go up more? It's hard to breathe like this," he told her, his breathy speech confirming that.

"Sure," she said, rising from her seat beside him and gently moving his ailing body into a more upright position. "Better?"

He shook his head, "Not really. Have to do though."

She nodded. "Get some rest, okay?"

He nodded again and closed his eyes.