Determination

Choromatsu has pretty much committed to the idea that he is the most responsible out of his brothers. Despite six functioning brains between the pack of them it seemed that his was the only one that wasn't on autopilot most of the time. So often as the voice of reason he had to learn to yell particularly louder than the rest of his brothers. Reason had to be heard. He wanted them all to be okay. To make sure Osomatsu didn't gamble too much knowing the types of illegal things that can go down. He makes sure the first aid kit is fully stocked for Karamatsu, who is prone to accidents and other bodily harm. Sometimes caused by his ridiculousness other times by his brothers when he gets super painful. That Jyushimatsu takes proper care of his baseball equipment since his younger brother sometimes forgets he can't play baseball with a broken bat or a destroyed ball. He makes sure Todomatsu doesn't have much to whine about. He is usually pretty easy to please, but he has to admit he's a sucker for those big eyed looks. He hates it and can hardly stand looking directly at it for too long. He even helps out a bit around the house doing shopping and some cooking from time to time. He has also come to understand that he will be the one to take care of his brothers later on in life. Of course they couldn't continue staying at home forever, eventually the time will come where their parents cannot support them anymore. When that time comes he will be ready to step up.

The pressure on himself was unneeded honestly. He didn't have to do this or be so uptight. He was the third eldest, not even the second born carried such a chip on his shoulder. Least of all the eldest brother. Yeah, it was clear the eldest two were shitheads. Osomatsu their self-appointed leader simply because he was born first is lazy and irresponsible. He'd chop his own hand off if Choromatsu didn't watch him. Karamatsu never took responsibility well, so Choromatsu saw this as his chance to snatch that position. Surprisingly Karamatsu has rarely fought him for it, it's not in his nature to anyway, so the idea went relatively unopposed. Well, save for certain times when Karamatsu recognized that in Osomatsu's absence or ineptitude he would have to step up no matter how Choromatsu might feel about it. And as they are older now Choromatsu can see that Karamatsu is one hell of a good big brother. Makes Choromatsu wonder why he won't take responsibility more often since he clearly can, but clearly as he always had it was a choice he made not to. Maybe he didn't simply because Choromatsu wanted to, and to appease him Karamatsu allowed Choromatsu to have that role. Sure would be something he would do. There's little he wouldn't do for his brothers….even if it be completely unnecessary.

But seeing the two of them step up for Ichimatsu made Choromatsu practically question everything he knew about them. For one Osomatsu didn't go out as much to go to the horse races, pachinko, or drinking. A shock in itself. He was lazy anyway, so staying home wasn't really a big deal for him. So when everyone would leave the house, but Ichimatsu Osomatsu would suddenly decide to stay as well. And it wasn't like Osomatsu would try to talk Ichimatsu's ear off either. He was just simply there as company. Choromatsu would see Osomatsu with his back against Ichimatsu's as he's reading a comic. No words traded but Choromatsu could tell that it relaxed Ichimatsu all the same. It surprised Choromatsu that Osomatsu knew exactly how to interact with Ichimatsu. When everyone is together doing something with everyone talking Osomatsu often shots Ichimatsu a look that he could never discern. Often that leads to Choromatsu demanding Ichimatsu participate in the conversation. Osomatsu was good for Ichimatsu and every morning Osomatsu would check Ichimatsu's arms. Without fail. After what Karamatsu told them about Ichimatsu they understood it was less a conscious choice and more of an impulse.

That was also another thing. Karamatsu actually managed to get information from Ichimatsu, something everyone had doubts about, even Karamatsu. Karamatsu explained the way Ichimatsu described it. "He says it takes his mind away from thinking. Like he's trapped in this void of nothingness and the cutting…it helps ground him. Pull him back so to speak and gives him something to focus on. At least, that's what I could gather in so few words." Karamatsu really was amazing when it came to his brother's well-being. Every day, without fail, Karamatsu would tell Ichimatsu "I love you brother." Just those four words. No over the top production, eloquent poem, or soliloquy. Just those four words, every day, and although Ichimatsu rarely does respond. Sometimes he will thank him. Karamatsu even checks Ichimatsu's arms at night right before everyone goes to bed. Both eldest were doing a pretty amazing job helping give their fourth brother support.

But Choromatsu knew that the two only needed a reason. A flimsy one, to take care of Ichimatsu. Osomatsu had admitted to worrying a little more about Ichimatsu then anyone else. Karamatsu, despite being the subject of Ichimatsu's detest somehow understood him the best. Understood what the grunts meant, what the long bouts of silence meant, the wistful blank stares, and the subtle facial twitches.

Choromatsu is proud of his older brothers. But now he knows that it is time for him to finally make his move to help. Although he wasn't sure what kind of response he'll get. Ichimatsu to him has always been like a bomb with a fuse that may or may not be lit. You never know honestly. But in spite of that Choromatsu felt Ichimatsu and he could see eye to eye on a lot of things given the situation. They often rarely butt heads and Choromatsu often tries to coax Ichimatsu out his shell from time to time. Contrary to what Ichimatsu may think he was actually nice company at times. Unbeknownst to the others Ichimatsu casually listens to Nyan-Chan as well. The cat motif is what pretty much sold him and Choromatsu knew it would honestly. He even pretended not to notice that someone had been listening to his music from his iPod. He's very particular about things like that and always knows what Nyan-chan song he ends off on. He swears it that's not weird. Naturally he was embarrassed when Choromatsu casually admitted that he knew this by offering Ichimatsu a ticket to a show. It was hard to believe he had actually managed to bring his younger brother with him to a concert with him. The ticket was meant for another friend, but they cancelled at the last minute. He didn't want it to go to waste so he invited his brother. It was at that time Ichimatsu had realized that Choromatsu knew he was a casual listener. It was… an experience. Ichimatsu was a ball of nerves before they even got there. During the concert he was anxious the entire time and it only got worse as time passed. Choromatsu hadn't even noticed too busy enjoying himself to see his brother was suffering from an overstimulation of the large crowd. He nearly had a panic attack and Choromatsu didn't even notice...

That was the worst part to him. Choromatsu didn't notice. He had noticed this change in the type of person Ichimatsu is. They all had drastic changes in personality from when they were kids, but that's because they all began to develop interests that differ. But Ichimasu…he just…didn't develop much interest in anything. Least of all other people. Choromatsu was always like a mother hen of the group of six too. So he'd silently from afar look after Ichimatsu. Confronting him only when absolutely necessary. That necessity was going to be coming up soon and Choromatsu has been preparing for it. He's looked through some psych websites, listened to what his older brothers have told him, and made the decision of getting Ichimatsu some help. But this help will be all for not if Ichimatsu won't do it. Hence he plans on making his move at the right time. And it had to be him, no one else. Even if it wasn't by much Ichimatsu was still his younger brother also and he was going to do what he could for him.

So two weeks after Karamatsu had talked to him was when Choromatsu decided to make his move. They all were having dinner, as per the norm Ichimatsu was still not eating much. It was a relief to see him at least indulge them a little by at least picking at his food. As per the norm two brothers were on dishes duty that changes from day to day. Tonight was Choromatsu and Ichimatsu's turn. For the past few days though Ichimatsu's food consumption is still rather spotty so he hasn't been doing dishes duty for a while. Sometimes by this time he might be going to bed or skipping dinner all together. As everyone finished their meal and stacked their bowls in the center Ichimatsu stares at a mostly full bowl.

"Well it's more than last time that's good," Osomatsu says shooting the purple Matsuno a smile. Ichimatsu only grunts in response as he slides it over to Osomatsu. Just because he didn't want it doesn't mean it should be wasted. Osomatsu does eat from the bowl, but he makes sure to leave a small bit left. Then he slides it back in front of Ichimatsu. Ichimatsu however pretended not to notice it.

"We'll leave you two to it then," Todomatsu says standing up to take his leave first. Jyushimatsu follows him after a prolonged stare at Ichimatsu. Followed shortly by Osomatsu and Karamatsu. They shoot Choromatsu worried glances but Choromatsu waves them off. This was his younger brother too he could handle this.

Ichimatsu stares at his bowl for a bit longer before brushing it aside. "You sure you can't eat anymore?" Choromatsu asks.

"I'm sure."

"How do you know if you're full. You say you don't have an appetite right?"

"I don't…when I ate I sorta feel it coming back."

"Then you should eat more then," Choromatsu says pushing the bowl back in front of him.

"I don't want to." He replies sharply before collecting the other bowls at the center of the table then moving towards the kitchen. Choromatsu supposed that would be the end of that topic for now. He picks up Ichimatsu's bowl to also move toward the kitchen. Ichimatsu is already running the water preparing to start to cleaning. Choromatsu joins him still with the small scraps of rice still in the bowl. He would hate to just throw it away so he gobbled up the fractions left before adding it to the pile. He then moves to start getting the dishwasher ready.

"So Ichimatsu, can I talk to you about something?" Choromatsu begins seeing ripping the band-aid off as the best method to approach the topic. Ichimatsu's eyes flicker over to his green wearing brother. His nonverbal response to show he was listening. "Well, have you thought of going to see a therapist."

"No."

"Well, I think you should consider it. From what I've learned therapy can-,"

"I mean, no, I don't want to." Ichimatsu cuts in before Choromatsu can start rambling.

"W-Well why not?" Choromatsu expected resistance. However, he wasn't expecting to be shut down before he made his case.

"Because, I don't need to. I've been getting better."

"Ichimasu it's not something to be ashamed of! We're not doctors so we can't really explain what's going on in your head anymore then you can. Ignoring this will only let it get worse."

"I don't need a therapist."

"Yes you do Ichimatsu," Choromatsu says bluntly. "It'll help you get better really. We're here to support you but you know that what you're feeling isn't something you can combat yourself. And we can't do it for you either because if we could we would. Ichimatsu-,"

"I said no," He says with a bit more bite in his tone. "I'm not going to be treated like I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy. If you're crazy that means we're all crazy, but you might be depressed or have some other symptoms. We don't know, you should go to at least get diagnosed."

"I don't want to waste anyone's time. I've been like this for a long time, so maybe I just wanted attention. We don't need to waste money and time just because I'm sad."

"Do you not think anything is wrong? Ichimatsu you cut yourself!"

"Something no one around here is gonna let me forget obviously," Ichimatsu responds sharply. "But I haven't done it in a while even when Osomatsu-nissan found out. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Maybe I just wanted some attention. Maybe I wanted to see if I was important to anyone."

"So look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't had one suicidal thought today." Choromatsu challenges. Ichimatsu doesn't respond as he only continues washing the dishes in the sink deciding to do it by hand instead of prepping for the dish washer.

"Ichimatsu that isn't healthy."

"We've all thought about dying. I'd think it's weird if you haven't."

He hates when Ichimatsu gets so morbid, "We all want you to get diagnosed Ichimatsu. If it's meds you need we can get that for you! You being here with us is priceless for us!"

"You worry too much Choromatsu-niisan. I'll get better…" The way he said that didn't give Choromatsu much confidence.

"One second," he suddenly says as he turns to leave the kitchen. Choromatsu moves toward the stairs to quickly scurry up them. He sees the door to his brother's shared bedroom wide open. He walks in almost pumping into Osomatsu who was clearly near the door to try and listen in for any yelling. The others were setting up the futon. Eyes flicker over to him surprised.

"Well is he going?" Osomatsu asks.

"Yet to be determined," Choromatsu responds sharply moving over to their closet to pull out a photo album wrapped in caution tape. Seeing it made him shiver but he picked up the album before swiftly leaving the room ignoring his brother's questions. He walked back into the kitchen just to see Ichimatsu wince at something. Choromatsu snakes his eyes around his brother to see his hand bleeding. "Ichimatsu!" he exclaims.

Ichimatsu perks up before turning to his brother face still blank. "What?"

"You just said-," Choromatsu stares at the small knife in Ichimatsu's hand and the cut on his palm. Ichimatsu stares at him then down to his hand to finally piece it together.

"Oh, no, no, I just reached into the water to feel if anything else was there and I accidentally cut my hand," Ichimatsu quickly defended sitting the knife down before turning to look at Choromatsu who had crossed the room already to look at his hand. He also noticed the album. "What are you doing with that?"

"You'll know in a second," Choromatsu responds. The cut wasn't shallow at all no real blood just a long thin cut. It was in soapy water already. It shouldn't be a problem, but Choromatsu grabs the first aid kit anyway to wrap it up. Ichimatsu sighs seeing it as unnecessary but humors Choromatsu by extending his hand.

"So what did you grab this for?" Ichimatsu asks again looking at the album sitting on the counter. Instead of responding Choromatsu finishes wrapping Ichimatsu's hand. He puts the bandages away and puts the kit away. He grabs Ichimatsu's still extended hand and the album to move back into the living room. He sat the album down on the table before sitting down pulling Ichimatsu to sit next to him. Ichimatsu was growing rather impatient that Choromatsu wouldn't answer his question. Choromatsu removed the paper and then opened it up skipping the baby pages to when they were younger kids. He slides the book over then jabs his finger at one of the sextuplets in the picture. The one with the Ichi character scribbled on it in purple.

"That's you," Choromatsu says simply. Ichimatsu glances at the photo. Clearly he wasn't understanding what the big deal was. Choromatsu sees that Ichimatsu doesn't understand but instead of explaining he goes to the next page. Choromatsu continues pointing out pictures of Ichimatsu. In school functions, out with the family, in solo shots, playing with his brothers, and slowly Ichimatsu is starting to see a pattern. A common theme between each picture no matter what point in time, location, or what was going on in the background.

"I looked really happy…" He says almost surprised. It felt so far away looking at those photos. It was hard to believe the child they were looking at in the photos grew up to be…the person he is now. Seeing smiles that big on his face made him run his hand around his jaw. He really used to smile like that? Choromatsu sees Ichimatsu actually try to imitate the smile half-heartedly but clearly failing miserable. It really made Ichimatsu wonder where it all went so wrong.

"Yeah…you did," Choromatsu says in agreement. He had noticed it the first time they all were looking through it to figure out when Jyushimatsu changed. Seeing the look on Ichimatsu's face revealed that Ichimatsu was probably asking a similar question. "It probably didn't happen all at once. The only times I really noticed anything was when we were in high school. Those were the times I saw how removed from everything you were becoming. But I thought you were just shy. I mean you even still combed your hair at that time." Choromatsu says pointing out a high school photo with Ichimatsu in it with his hair actually neatly combed. But the smile he had on was clearly forced, well-practiced, but forced all the same. Ichimatsu could tell. "We were the only people you talked to. We didn't know that until we heard people thought we were quintuplets. You didn't really do much if I remember…but that's from my perspective. What was high school like for you Ichimatsu?"

"Hard," He responds evenly. Hearing that made Choromatsu want to cry. He really is a horrible big brother, if he didn't have any idea what Ichimatsu was going through for most of his life. He didn't notice when Ichimatsu almost had a panic attack. He didn't notice when how hard things were for Ichimatsu. He just didn't notice and he should have! He was the responsible one, the mother hen. He came out the wound a few minutes right before Ichimatsu and he couldn't tell when his brother changed.

"But you see what I'm saying. You weren't always like this Ichimatsu, and I don't expect you to go back to that same kid. But he can't be all gone in there can he? Do you know?" Ichimatsu honestly had no answer because he did not know. "I don't know either…but I would love to have even a piece of him back. That shy kid who was always so soft and kind to everyone."

"Okay…" Ichimatsu says.

"Okay?"

"I'll go…at the very least to see if there really is something wrong…" Ichimatsu says before staring at the photo album again. His face beginning to twist into a grimace. He felt like he had been betrayed. At some point in time he was genuinely happy. Now it feels like traces of that happiness comes and go so quickly. But here he was with joy overflowing. Why was his supply suddenly cut off?

Choromatsu smiles happily, "Great tomorrow I'll show you some options that I had looked up. Some of them even allow pets during sessions so you can bring a cat with you if you want. But only one Ichimatsu. They aren't far either so it's really up to your personal taste," Choromatsu's smile drops a bit seeing his brother continuing to stare at the album. Something was wrong. Did he make a mistake? He glances back down to the album before his eye raise up to his younger brother who continues to stare down at the photos. He wanted his brother to seek help, but now he felt like he did something wrong. The look in Ichimatsu's eyes told a story he couldn't really understand. Finally, Choromatsu decided to simply concede this as a victory with one step closer to getting Ichimatsu back to his old self or at least making him happy. "Don't stay up too long okay?" Choromatsu says ruffling his brother's hair.

"Okay," responds without looking up.

Choromatsu frowns before he stands up to leave the room. "Hey a Nyan-Chan concert is coming up soon do you wanna…"

Ichimatsu turns his gaze to look at his older brother. "Sure."

Choromatsu smiles in response. Maybe that look was just him overanalyzing his brother. He leaves the room to head back upstairs again. He enters their bedroom to see the futon set up but everyone awake sitting around. They all jump upon seeing him and fix him with questioning stares. "He said he'll go."

"Then what's with that look on your face? What happened?" Osomatsu asks very concerned. Choromatsu chews on his lip for a moment. Unsure how to respond given the lack of response given to him by Ichimatsu.

"I'm not sure…"