Easier
My name is Ichimatsu Matsuno.
And I hate myself. I hate the person I am, I hate my existence, and I hate continuing to be here on this earth. At times I don't know what I'm doing here. Not like pondering my existence or some crap like that. Just me, the impact I have in my own life and those around me. I belong to a set of six, sextuplets, a pretty rare occurrence honestly. Six kids all born on the same day, come on odds are one of them was going to be a fuck up. Every family has at least one. One kid that just won't make it. I don't mind being that one. And I think it's good that I realized that. Not like other fuck-ups who try and fail and end up making things even harder for the people around them. No, I think it's good that a fuck-up knows he's a fuck-up. Then he'll stay in his place. Honestly, my brothers all have something to offer the world, something to become in life, a future. They have the personality, the skill, but just lack the drive right now. They'll be ready someday, I can see it even if they can't.
My eldest brother, Osomatsu nii-san, he's what I'd call, a miraculous idiot. He can make amazing things happen, honestly he can. He's just too stupid to realize his potential to focus and harness that passion. He really is a great guy honestly. After all we are sextuplets, we were all born on the same day, some seconds apart others minutes. Osomatsu is the first born, the eldest child, so he takes the responsibility as eldest. That's part of what makes him an idiot since we're all the same age, so what's it matter who's born a couple of seconds before the other? But he showed what a good big brother looks like. What it's like to rely on someone, to have someone there for you, and to be that pillar. That's what he is, the foundation of the six of us. Without him, they'd fall apart no doubt about it.
And in that thought, if Osomatsu nii-san is our foundation, then Kusomatsu nii-san is the support beam. I mean, Karamatsu nii-san. The guy who just has to act so fucking cool all the time. We ride him about it all the time since it is annoying as all hell. And honestly despite being the second eldest only two of the four of his younger brothers actually call him nii-san regularly. He has the worst sense of style that physically hurts to look at. And that's coming from a guy who wears sweatpants every day. He's painful Kusomatsu. But….he never lets that slow him down. He continues to be this person despite what we say, what others say, and he believes in himself. He's the second eldest only when he has to be, when he has to do something, or when someone needs a gentler hand. Honestly, one doesn't go to Osomatsu nii-san or Choromatsu nii-san if you want words of encouragement or sweet kind words. Karamatsu was gentle, kind, a bit of an asshole, but still the only person who had never really outwardly vented frustration on anyone. Always aware of each brother, because honestly Karamatsu always knew who he was talking too he was the one brother who couldn't be fooled by switch ups. It was hard to place Karamatsu in a category. Osomatsu nii-san was the brother I relied on, Choromatsu nii-san was the one I admired, but Karamatsu…maybe he's both? I don't know. Honestly, and this is something the sextuplets believe in with the exception of Karamatsu himself, but we all thought Karamatsu was at his coolest when he was just himself.
And then my immediate elder brother, Choromatsu nii-san. The other middle child. You could say that we are similar in some ways. He even had his own bouts with anxiety and nervousness. But he learned to push past them. He found a healthy outlet, with other people, he learned to overcome it, and often tried to bring me with him. He wanted me to experience life and honestly the brother that was the most understanding of how I felt. Even going so far as to demand I participate in conversations. To acknowledge my existence when I felt I should just fade away. And often he is the one I look up to. I know he's going to make it in the world. That he's going to be somebody, I know that. If any one of us has a future he does. He's hard on us and himself, but that's because I'm sure he wants what's best for us. And he wants us to want that too. Choromatsu is the outer walls of the home, the part of the house that keeps the harshness of the outside world outside.
Now my immediate younger brother, Jyushimatsu. Jyushimatsu was considered my opposite. The sunshine, warmth, and jovial part out of us all. He was a bit too hyperactive that was a little off putting. But honestly, he is a lot sharper then people give him credit for. He's more than just one big smile. Hell who knows he may've found inner peace or some shit like that. Beats me. All I know is he's Jyushimatsu, no other words can describe this person other than that. He has become his own genre. But that's not a bad thing. And honestly, that's probably what made that Homura girl fall in love with him. She loved him for him, in the way she looked at him, even I could see that. In the silly games they played, the jokes he made, and the smiles she gave. She loved him for him. He found love. There's more to that story I'm sure of that and my brother will live out his life happy. I'm so sure about that because he's been one of the few people in this world that can make me smile. He's my younger brother and my best friend. Jyushi would be the warmth that a home normally has. The feeling of coziness and joy that can be felt upon entering your own home.
Finally, our youngest brother, Todomatsu. Totty…is a dry monster. Who doesn't really care to share his life with his brothers. Often keeping secrets and hiding things from us. Like it or not though he's the runt. He's even half an inch shorter than the rest of us. Often avoids physical fights since he's been known to be the weakest so he loses those pretty often. But Totty's act of being cute and being the "good looking one" among people who have his face is utterly stupid and doesn't make sense to me. Maybe he wants to stand out or something I don't really know. But, it doesn't really matter. He's the youngest brother, no matter who is present he is all that matters when a situation comes up. Protect Totty. That's the code ingrained in everyone's brain. He may be a monster but he struggles with trying to be honest with us because he doesn't know if we'll understand. If we'll still see him the same way. If we'll treat him different. He wants to be better for us and I think he is and will be. After all he's the one with the best social skills, the most friends, and a great people person. He'll do fine in life. Totty would probably be the part of the house that gives personality. The furniture, the paint, or the décor.
Honestly…what else do you need?
I am an unnecessary part of this puzzle. An annoyance. My presence brings nothing. My brothers all have futures to go to. They have things to do. They can find a place beyond this house. But me…I'd probably end up on the street somewhere. Alone and hungry. I have no future. No impact, no skills, and honest to God no point. My presence is nothing but a huge buzz kill. I can bring nothing to a happy home except the shadows and the creaks you hear at night. The very things that makes Totty so afraid to walk himself to the bathroom alone. My brothers may miss me, maybe, but the world will keep going. The sun will still shine and the skies will still be blue. They'll have their futures…and I'll have mine. I can't be the thing that holds them back. I can't be what drives them to stay because their worried. They don't need me. If there's one thing I've learned these past few months is…is that I need them. What friends I have is through them. They're the majority of human beings I can talk to and I can barely even do that right. What the fuck is the point? Without me they are still the same people and me not being there won't change that. Me not being around is better for everyone in the end. It is simpler. It is for the best. And it's just easier.
"I'm going out," I inform them as I slip on my sandals.
"Where ya going?" Osomatsu nii-san asks craning his neck to look at me.
"The store. Pick up some cat stuff, feed em then come back." A simple bluff. But I still felt stares on my back the entire time. As if analyzing my every word. They wanted to believe me.
"Mind if I tag along brother!" Karamatsu stands poising.
I frown hearing that. Well of course they couldn't now. I had admitted to Jyushimatsu I had at least made an 'attempt'. If you call pussing out at the last minute a true attempt. An attempt should be that, an attempt. When you want to so badly but for some stupid reason the fear just freezes you up. The taste of the pills in your mouth as you struggle to find the balls to just swallow a few of them. That's not an attempt. It's just sad. But now they knew, now they were nervous to let me out of their sight more so then ever. It was either Karamatsu come with me or all of them follow me. I relent to his wish allowing him to tag along as I did what I had said I would. He offered conversation trying to be casual. I didn't want him there though he knew that. I didn't want anyone around me when the feeling of emptiness overcame me. It's really hard to talk about and honestly I don't want to scare them.
Or I just don't want them in the way of stopping me…
It's really hard to tell what I'm feeling how long these feelings of joy can stay or how long this feeling of emptiness will last. Somehow with my mother, the sweetest person I know, she manages to find time to hold me. Hug me and tell me how much she loves me. But how can she have that much love to give around for six kids?
"It is Totty's fault!" Osomatsu yells. As the six of us all sat around the table eating dinner one night.
"Eh, how is it my fault you're such an alcoholic?" Todomatsu responds giving the eldest brother a sideways glare.
"Well it was you in high school that hung out with the cool crowd. And told us about those parties with beer. You created the monster that I am today."
"You stupid eldest brother how dare you blame that on me!" Todomatsu raises his knees to fully glare at Osomatsu. "No one put a gun to your head and told you to out drink everyone at the parties!"
"Besides most of them Totty didn't even tell us about them," Choromatsu adds.
"My friends still confused me for you idiots and so I had to have them give a special greeting just so they wouldn't tell you guys stuff like that…." Todomatsu grumbles.
"Hahaha, those parties were so much fun!" Jyushimatsu exclaims.
"A delightful occasion of beautiful people getting to enjoy the finer things in life," Karamatsu says with a hand on his chin as he looks up to the ceiling completely missing Osomatsu swiping some food from his bowl.
"What! You two idiots almost ruined every party you went too! With Karamatsu nii-san's shitty flirting and Bonermatsu nii-san it was impossible for us not to be virgins!" Todomatsu exclaims.
"Oh please Totty, like you were any better…" Choromatsu says with an eyeroll.
"Huh!?"
"Yeah, you kept trying to pretend you didn't know us. WHEN WE ALL HAVE THE SAME FACE! It was sad. Besides if I recall you tried to outdrink Osomatsu a few times like at one of Totoko-chan's parties."
Todomatsu's face turns red, "N-No one was sober enough to remember that!"
"Correction, you weren't sober enough to remember that!" Osomatsu bursts out laughing. "You almost kissed a dude you were so plastered!"
It was at this point Todomatsu became increasingly flustered as he decided to focus on eating dinner then continuing the conversation. I guess Todomatsu still hasn't told them yet. This was a normal dinner full of conversations, reminiscing, and fun memories. Memories that I could not fully share in. Memories that I could not look back on and laugh with them. Memories that I could not fully embrace. Because I didn't have them. I hardly, if ever, went out to parties in high school. More content with staying at home, with a cat, or brooding as my brothers called it. I didn't know my presence brought nothing to a room at the time as I do now. Sitting here watching them laugh and have a good time. So what place do I have here? It's no one's fault, if anyone's it's mine, but no one else could shoulder the blame. I did this to myself and this is the result. A disconnect with the people closes to me. And I'm finding it harder to care about that.
"Do you all remember the surprise party for our birthday?" Karamatsu suddenly spoke up.
"Surprise party?" Choromatsu questions with a tilt of his head.
"Yeah it was in our second year of high school I believe if my beautiful memory is correct."
"We never had a surprise party nii-san…" Todomatsu says as his eyes move toward the ceiling in thought.
…Surprise party…does he mean…?
"Oh ahaha now I remember!" Osomatsu exclaims happily. His eyes land on me with a smirk. "It wasn't a surprise for us but it was for Ichimatsu!"
No…they can't remember that…
"Oh yeah!" Choromatsu exclaims his eyes landing on me too. "We realized that Ichimatsu hadn't been going out with us at all and decided to force him to attend a party."
"Since forcing him was near impossible we just had to trick him on our birthday when he let his guard down," Todomatsu says with a smirk. "Ichimatsu nii-san's face when we had got a few friends and stuff together at the house. He was ready to bolt!"
"Yeah I had to hold him place so he wouldn't run!" Jyushimatsu exclaims happily.
What is this? What are they doing?
"And Ichimatsu nii-san had a blast too!" Jyushimatsu adds.
"He almost punched me in the face…" Osomatsu grumbles.
I remember that. I was ready to fight my way out of the situation if need be but they wouldn't let me. It turned out not being so bad…
"Ha see Ichimatsu remembers that," Karamatsu remarks with a smirk.
"It was alright," I finally say. It was one of my better party experiences. Ignoring the very next one I went to since I had figured it would be just like that one. But it wasn't. It was a room filled with strangers, loud music, flashing lights, body heat, and a feeling of nausea. I barfed, don't remember if it was on someone or not. But it was bad. I had committed social suicide at that point. Because we can't forget Ichimatsu can't fit in anywhere. Not even with his own family. It was probably again all my fault. But shouldn't that make me being here even more unnecessary.
My brothers don't think so but I'm still trying to find the proof. Watching and waiting for them to finally slip up. I mean they can't put on this act of affection forever. Eventually their true colors will show. Eventually I'll see that they truly do wish I wasn't around. In something they do or something they say. Eventually I'll see it. They can't mean it. There's no way they can. They love me, I don't doubt that, hell I love em too. But you can still dislike someone you love, you can still avoid them like the plague, and you can still really not want them around most of the time. It's human nature. The people outside this house have the option to not be around me. They have that choice, these guys, they don't have the luxury. They don't have much a choice. But none of them want to just fucking admit it! They can't honestly like someone who just takes up space…it doesn't make sense…
"Ichimatsu," I wince as someone flicks my head. I glare at the bastard who did it as I rub my head. Choromatsu wasn't even looking at me as he's still looking down at his magazine. "Get out of your head for a while."
"That's funny coming from you."
"I'm plenty expressive so I'm not in my skull battling my own thoughts. With how little you talk I bet it's probably a parade in that head of yours."
I couldn't help but snort a laugh. He wasn't wrong I think, "Not like there's anything else to do…everyone went out?"
"Karamatsu nii-san is upstairs taking a nap, but everyone else went out. Osomatsu suggested we got to Chibita's tonight."
"And run our tab even higher huh…" I huff with a roll of my eyes. I hadn't been in much the mood for eating but drinking sounds nice.
"You're not allowed to get drunk either Ichimatsu," Choromatsu seemed to read him as well as he was that magazine. Wonder when I became so easy for them to read.
"Why the hell not?"
"You're not supposed to mix alcohol with your anti-depressant medicine. Did you even read the warnings?!"
"Oh," Damn that sucks. "But I'm sure a little won't kill me."
"I mean one or two drinks should be fine but you can't drink like normal. Which means," Choromatsu made it a point to look me in the eyes. "That you have to eat something while we're there."
"I've been eating better…"
"Not enough, one meal a day isn't enough and I use the term meal loosely. It might've been a snack or a bowl of rice. Point is it isn't enough that I feel comfortable with. You're even starting to lose weight. You keep this up and you'll be so thin the next hug Jyushimatsu gives you could break you in half!"
"If only…" I mutter. He either chooses not to address what I said or didn't hear it.
If only some freak accident could occur to me. If only some power in the universe could do me one solid and just swipe away my existence. Save me the trouble and save everyone the pain. I mean if it was an accident then no could blame themselves. No one is at fault for something that no one could control. That should make it easier to get by right? That should make things better for everyone then. But maybe that's me being lazy or hoping for an easier way. Ironic, wanting an easier way on the so called 'easy way out' what a lazy piece of trash I am. I mean it is easy to see it that way.
"Why in the world would anyone want to kill themselves?"
I used to think like that too. But then one day…without warning…it suddenly made sense.
"If you commit suicide that means you're going to hell."
I mean I suppose. But that seems rather cruel of a deity that is supposed to be all about love cursing a person to eternal damnation for a psychological condition that a person can't help. It's a sickness same as any that people die from. At least, that's why my psychiatrist and therapist said.
"Nothing is that bad to where ending your life is the answer."
How ignorant. Until you've been at that point, when your mind goes to that place, and reaches that breaking point. Until you've been there no one has any right to say this. It has nothing to do with mental strength…its just…despair with no end in sight. I don't know if I can even see a future with me in it. Because I'd imagine the people around me wouldn't be that different without me. What does the presence of a social misfit bring to a group?
"Ichimatsu, cut it out," a swift elbow in my arm pulls me out my thoughts again. I look to my left to see Osomatsu frowning at me. We're at Chibita's Oden Kart right now. Guess I hadn't been paying much attention, and with me somehow jammed between everyone. Osomatsu still wasn't quite drunk yet, but that's not a surprise. He does have the highest tolerance. With Fappymatsu having the lowest which is why he's slumped on my shoulder right now. I shrug him off for him to lean on Jyushimatsu who laughs and rubs Choromatsu on the head.
"What?"
"You're thinking again."
"Yeah, you should try it out sometimes Osomatsu nii-san."
Osomatsu snickers a smirk slipping on his face, "The ol' fourth Matsuno snark, still as sharp as ever." His smile then quickly fades away again. "But seriously, Choromasu mentioned you stay in your head too much. It's okay to talk to us ya know. If there is something you wanna ask why not just ask it?"
"What makes you think I have anything to ask?"
"You have this look…you want to say something but you shut yourself down before you can even get the words out," Osomatsu says with his eyes looking up in thought as he sips his beer.
"Well Osomatsu it's nice to see you actually paying attention to your brothers you idjit!" Chibita laughs.
"I am the ever reliable eldest brother after all!"
"Who says that?" Todomatsu asks with a laugh.
"Ichimatsu, you aint eaten my oden idjit?" Chibita suddenly questions me. I flinch looking down at the mostly full plate. Looking at it feels me with nausea.
"No thanks-."
"Huh?! My oden ain't good enough for you is that what you sayen the hell!"
"Chibita relax…" Osomatsu says with a laugh he's trying and failing to hide.
"You insulting my pride in my oden! Huh! HUH!"
Chibita was one of the few humans who aren't family friends I had. Even if he was closer to Karamatsu and Osomatsu the most. And even if it was most likely friends by association. He was still one of the only few friends I had in this world. Maybe I should try not to fuck this up. Fighting back the nausea I took a few small bites. I felt sick. It tasted fine but it sat in my stomach like it wanted to crawl out. But all eyes were on me still so I took another bite of the oden. I really didn't want to.
Then I hear Chibita laugh, "Good to see I haven't lost my touch. Gotta eat to keep your strength up!"
I can't finish this. It makes me feel sick, but I know I won't throw up. My god do I hate this. If I fight through it long enough it'll feel better I think. So I try to take small bites try and focus on the meal above anything else that was going on. Eventually, I couldn't anymore. I had finished half the plate of food. A brand new record in a while. I look up from it trying to look anywhere but at the food now. Osomatsu nii-san was trying to pretend like he wasn't staring at me the entire time. Like he had actually been talking to Totty about something. It's fine though, I did what I could and I guess everyone accepts that.
But is that enough…?
I don't think so…
I don't think it'll ever be enough. Not the food, but just everything. Me. Who I am. Why? I just want to demand the answer of why. What am I to you? Do you really care about me? If you do then why? Why are you so nice? Why do you like speaking to me? Why choose to talk to me over anyone else? So many questions of why. I want the answer…but I don't think I'll ever get it. No one would be truly honest with someone who's depressed. Not like when I was younger. It was clear what I was.
Boring…
Annoying…
Weird…
Quiet…
A target...
Punching bag…
So many things that I knew to be true because it was unbiased. In Jr High I tried to fit in. My god did I try. The social gatherings, the talking, the groups, and all the interactions. I tried to find a place tried to find a fit for me like my brothers did. Find a place to hide away into and grow into someone. But I never found it. I tried to and then when High School came I didn't bother. I didn't try to fit in anywhere because I knew I couldn't and it wouldn't make me happy. Every group I tried to fit never fit me or if our interests did align I was only a minor character. A face to see come and go. Did I get some friends merely out of pity? Yeah I did. Did anyone ever tell me it was pity? No, no one ever admits these things honestly. You know its true and you can see it, but I don't get why they just won't be honest!
Damn it just tell me I'm boring! Just tell me to go away! Tell me I'm annoying! Tell me my presence brings nothing! Just tell me and save us all the trouble!
But don't pretend…do anything but pretend. Don't make me doubt what I already know must be true. Don't give me the idea that I'm worth something when I know I'm not. Don't make it sound like you're lucky to have me, when we both know it's the other way around.
"Ichimatsu nii-san!" Jyushimatsu exclaims suddenly appearing in my face. Any normal person would be startled, but I've learned to be accustomed to him just suddenly appearing. "What's wrong you look super intense?!"
"Nothing."
"Ah, well, Nii-san do you wanna play baseball with me!?" Jyushimatsu asks with his big dumb grin on his face.
"Not really no."
"Okay!" Jyushimatsu exclaims and I assumed that would be the end of it. But then he decides to sit right next to me. "…Wanna go to the roof!? The sun is really high and the sky is clear. Super beautiful outside!"
That did sound kinda nice…but, "Maybe a little later when it's early like this it's a little too hot…"
"Hmm, you're right!" Jyushimatsu then put a sleeved hand to his mouth to begin thinking. "What about-."
"Jyushimatsu, you don't have to force it. I think everyone is home so you don't have to hang out with me."
Jyushimatsu tilts his head looking at me, "Huh?"
"You can ask someone else to do something with you. Ya know Kusomatsu can't say no to anything you ask him."
"You don't want to hang out?" He asks with a curious look in his eyes despite his face not changing a bit.
Yes, I do. I wouldn't mind doing that no matter which brother it was. But Jyushimatsu could always read me the best and it was comforting being around someone who understood me so well. But what is comforting to me must be tedious to Jyushimatsu. He likes to be active, move around, or do something. I'm the opposite of that, so to hang out with me he has to slow down. Relax and settle down in one spot. He doesn't like that and I know that. So I won't force him to do something that he doesn't like.
I guess I must be too quiet for him so he pokes my cheek. "Nii-saaaaan~"
My brothers would never admit to not needing me around despite everyone knowing it. So I had to put it in a different way, "I just need some alone time."
"You've been alone for a few hours already Ichimatsu nii-san. We were starting to get worried."
"Why?" I asked before I could stop myself. I cringe, here comes the kind sweet words that I know will come. The expected answer because no one will be honest.
"Well when you're by yourself you start thinking. We all know when you start thinking they're not very nice thoughts. We worry since we can't read your mind and you won't tell us what's wrong. We want to know but we don't want to force you," Jyushimatsu pauses for a few moments. "Well Osomatsu nii-san wants to force you."
"I'm fine, I'm getting better," I try to force a smile at him. A small smile that he seems elated to see.
"Nii-san, we want to see you happy! But you can't be happy like this. You want to ask me something don't you? Go ahead, ask, ask!"
"No it's fine-,"
"Come on you can ask me anything!" Jyushimatsu presses the subject so I sigh. Knowing I have to now and he won't leave me alone till he gets his answer.
"You can play baseball with anyone. Why me?"
Jyushimatsu seemed confused at my question, "Huh?"
"You could ask any of our brothers. Why ask me?" I decided to clarify a bit for him.
"Because you would say yes even if you don't want to! And you'd try and be helpful! I don't understand is that what you wanted to ask…"
"Jyushimatsu anyone can do that."
"Yep! But you're the only one who does!" Jyushimatsu smiles brightly at me. "You're a really great nii-san! Totty thinks so too!" There it was the obvious optimistic answer. The answer that made me want to believe and question what I already knew was fact but a few moments ago. "It's okay to ask that Nii-san! There's nothing wrong with that. And guaranteed you'll get the same answer every time!"
"What if I catch you on a bad day or one day you get tired of having to answer it and the truth finally comes out…"
"Huh, truth?" he questions me confused. "That was the truth!"
"…"
"You don't believe me?"
"I want to…"
Jyushimatsu's open mouth smile closes for a moment. Then he opens to speak again, "You believe we love you Ichimatsu nii-san right?"
"…Yeah."
"Well that's something! You know that without a doubt, so-,"
"But that doesn't mean you guys can't hate me too. That doesn't mean you guys may not like me being around or may not notice me there. Or that I-,"
"We're sextuplets," Jyushimatsu says in a matter of fact tone I don't hear him take often. "We were born together, we live together, eat together, sleep together, and bathe together. Even I'd notice if one of us is missing. We see you Ichimatsu nii-san, we do."
Why is he so good at not making me feel like shit? At proving everything I believe firmly one moment to be meaningless another. Why does he care so much? Looking past him for a moment I can see the door to the living room ajar a bit and could see a shadow of someone leaning in to listen. Which means they're all there right now. Why do they care? I don't understand! I do, but I don't. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I just want them to admit it! Admit they don't like me, admit I'm annoying, admit how boring I am. Just fucking admit it so I can finally do something about it!
Just admit it already…
But they won't will they?
Then maybe I should do something. Just to cut to the chase. They won't admit it so I won't drag it out any longer.
"Ichimatsu nii-san…" Todomatsu's voice cuts into my thoughts like everyone else has been doing lately. I glance over to him to see him standing in the bathroom entrance a partially terrified face. "Nii-san…why do you have so many pills in your hand?"
I glance down seeing the fifteen pills of pain relief in my palm. "Guess I spilled a few too many…"
"Oh…" he says that, but doesn't make a move to leave. He only stares at my hand and then at me. Like he's waiting for me to decide on what to do next. I spill the majority of it back into the bottle then slip the one pill in my mouth. It won't do much anything. After that I close the medicine cabinet and turn to see a calmer look on Todomatsu's face. "B-By the way thanks for not telling anyone about…Kai."
"It's your job to tell em."
"You're right…but…could you…could you be there when I do Nii-san. Please…" he says in a pleading voice. So agonizingly pleading and hopeful. Like he might cry right at that moment. Like he's trying to hold my life hostage with this promise. "For moral support."
"Don't drag this out Totty," I respond the closest thing I would give to agreeing without actually saying it. He grips my sleeve tightly as I move to walk past him.
"Please promise. I want to hear you say it…"
I sigh, "Alright I promise." That seems to ease him as he smiles at me a little before releasing my arm to let me leave.
"Ichimatsu," a voice grabs my attention. I turn to the voice calling me from our shared bedroom to see Kusomatsu.
"What do you want Shittymatsu," I respond to him walking into the room.
He just makes that annoying 'heh noise. "Ah brother, that nickname is so intense isn't there a better one that can fit better?"
"No."
"Ha, ah Ichimatsu you wound me!"
"Not as much as this conversation is wounding me. What do you want Shittymatsu nii-san?"
Karamatsu seems to perk up happily hearing me call him nii-san. The dope is so easy to get in a good mood.
"I had wanted to ask you something Ichimatsu," he says deciding to drop his flaunty language which I am always thankful for. "What do you dislike about me?"
"…are you kidding?"
"No, really tell me what you don't like about me," he says with that confident smile of his.
"Everything?"
"Well let's say the top six."
"Your fashion sense hurts, your voice is irritating, your cologne hurts my nose, random words in English, long winded speeches, your dialogue makes no sense and-,"
"Oi Ichimatsu that's enough!" Karamatsu exclaims cutting me off from my flow with a wave of his hands. "Ah brother so honest thank you."
"Whatever…" I said disappointed I couldn't get more from this opportunity. But then something was off. "Why did you ask me to do that?"
"Because now I can finally give you what you want. The truth right?"
My eyes open a little wider. The truth…like…right now? My mind races as the possibilities at the words he'll begin to spout out. The venom and sharp words. But then I realize it was just Karamatsu. He doesn't have a truly mean bone in his body. He's still shitty like the rest of us, but he's got more good in him then the rest of us.
"I decided to get some words from our brother too for this little game too. Just to try and give you what it is you want so badly."
"Well go ahead tell me all the top six shitty things about me."
"You'll be happy to hear them. The top six things that I don't like about Ichimatsu. You're not very honest all the time."
Honest…?
"I don't like it when you don't smile."
What?
"Heh, sometimes we'd wish you'd not bring so many cats to the house. They're cat hair gets everywhere."
Is he serious?
"You seem to take pleasure in bullying our youngest brother too it seems. Though that's more a gripe for him then all of us."
Is he serious with this shit?
"Hmmm…ah that's only four huh. Give me a moment to think of something else…"
"No fucking way! You're kidding me with this weak shit! Huh, are you serious?!"
"What's wrong, isn't the truth what you wanted to hear?" He asks with that stupid look on his face.
"All that bullcrap hardly even counts. Those are hardly things noteworthy! I'm trash!"
"Ah but only you think that. As this is my turn to be honest brother."
"How can you not think…stop pretending Shittymatsu," I growl at him.
"You honestly don't do much anything to warrant distaste. Having the patience to hang with Jyushimatsu allows you the patience to deal with any of us really. You're rather easy going…oops I'm supposed to say the things I dislike. Ah I suppose I'm not too good at this."
"Then get Todomatsu, Iyami, someone who can actually say real things. Someone who doesn't give a shit about me who are willing to give the truth."
"You trust the opinions of uninformed strangers who hardly know you more than that of your own brothers who have known you your whole life?" Karamatsu questions with oddly snide remark from him. But he had a point. It sounded really stupid when he put it that way. "Well I can only go to four at the moment. Maybe one day I'll get those other two one day. Until then keep on being who you are and maybe I may find it."
"I don't get it. I listed off things no problem…"
"…I think. For every flaw you find in other people is one you find in yourself. No one is perfect Ichimatsu, but we all try to do our best in whatever it is we try. Just do your best, your best is always good enough brother," Then he gives me this bright smile that makes a lump form in my throat. My anxiety spikes up and I feel tense for a moment. I want to cry but hold back. I swallow before looking at my elder brother trying to keep my face neutral like always.
"Well thanks for this pointless game Karmatsu nii-san," I respond to him turning around to leave.
"Anytime my bruza!" he says probably striking a pose on the window sill he's sitting on.
"Ugh," such a painful great person my brother is.
But it doesn't really change how I feel. I still think it would be easier even if every person on the planet says otherwise. But...maybe the fact that they don't maybe it means something more. Who knows, guess I'll wait and see.