A/N: Thanks for continuing to read and review this story. I'm trying to update twice a month if not more. Maybe six or seven chapters to go, not exactly sure. Once again, I don't own them and I don't make any money doing this. If I did I'd be able to update every day. LOL.
Harm and Mac couldn't have willed the weekend to pass any slower if they wanted to. It was painfully slow for both of them on one hand, but on the other, it was lightening fast. Mac kept her word to herself; she didn't breathe a word to Mic about Dr. Hill's suspicions of her own worries easily able to blame her edginess and exhaustion on her condition. Harm had a harder time keeping Ana in the dark and the pair argued periodically throughout the weekend. Analise could sense her boyfriend's fear, his tension and she probed it as any good companion would, but still he'd clam up on her. Finally she decided to let it rest, he'd tell her when he was ready.
Monday morning, merely ten minutes after Mic left for work Harm arrived at his former home. Mac admitted him and the worried parents sat together in silence Harm sipping at coffee and nibbling on toast, Mac herbal tea and a muffin. Neither had an appetite but the act of eating and drinking helped to pass the time until finally at a little before noon the phone rang.
Harm reached to answer the phone once they saw it was indeed the doctor's office and Mac reached for Harm's hand, gripping it tightly, closing her eyes as if in fervent prayer.
"Hello," Harm said into the phone, sounding out of breath. He listened to the words coming from the doctor, nodded his head and replied with the occasional "okay" and "I understand" before ending the call. He sat and stared at the receiver for a few minutes before he turned to Mac, tears all ready streaming down her face and welling up in his eyes.
"That was Dr. Hill," he told her. "She said Lucy's blood shows all of the signs of leukemia and judging by the results…I can't keep all of the number straight just yet she said it is the equivalent of stage 2/3 cancer."
His voice was husky and kept catching, though he watched Mac for her reaction which was as he expected. She began to sob, one shaky hand covering her mouth, the other one her stomach as if that could protect all of her children, not just the one inside. Harm moved to hold her, pulling her close, wanting to absorb the pain and the hurt just as they had before everything went bad. He held close, rocking slightly, letting his own tears fall on her hair. After a few minutes of crying together, Mac asked from her place inside his arm, "What are we going to do?"
"Lucy has a ten am appointment tomorrow morning with the pediatric oncologist Dr. Hill recommended. She said he'll have a better idea on how to proceed and that he'll want to test her for progression, see if it spread to her brain or her spinal tract…Then we'll have a better idea. For now, we stay strong, we talk to Lucy…we be her parents. I can't see past that point."
His voice caught again and Mac pulled back to see his soft blue eyes filled with tears now spilling down his cheeks. She reached up and caught two of them on her fingertips, "Gram always said it was good luck to catch a tear." He mirrored her reaction, lifting his hand to catch hers. "We need all of the good luck we can get."
The rest of the day was a blur of phone calls, discussions and planning for how they and now the enlightened significant other planned to deal with the doctor's findings. Mic had been angry that Mac had not shared this with him that weekend and Analise Harm could tell was hurt, but understood. He confirmed that with her in the car as they drove to meet Mac, Mic, and Lucy at the oncologist's office. He'd brought her along to entertain Lucy while he and Mac talked with the doctor.
Analise sat with Lucy helping her eat a burger and yogurt cup on a bench outside the doctor's office while Mic had DJ downstairs in the gift shop to keep him entertained. Lucy had been nervous about seeing a doctor who's office was in a hospital but she liked Dr. Jacobsen and soon relaxed.
The doctor, a tall older man who resembles AJ only with hair sat before them, a serious look on his face.
"It's bad, isn't it?" asked Harm, his voice steady, but barely.
"Yes, I've examined the blood tests done by Dr. Hill, and as you know we repeated those tests today. They both concluded the same. Lucy's white count is extraordinarily high but those cells are ineffective, useless. Her platelet count is low as is her red blood cell count. Her blood work indicates she does indeed have leukemia, ALL."
Harm felt as if he'd been shot in the heart, and he knew Mac was no better off.
"We need to do a spinal tap now given her pain and the weak muscle response in her legs to see if the cancer has invaded her nervous system," he told them. "One of you might want to be present."
The horrified parents looked at one another. "I'll go," said Harm. "You shouldn't be around that, it'll get you too upset."
"That's what I'd suggest," the doctor replied. "We can do it immediately. When we know how advance the spread is we'll know how strong her chemotherapy and radiation will need to be."
"Oh, God," gasped Mac, putting her hands over her face as if to hide her fear.
"We'll try to do outpatient treatments so she can be at home with that for comfort during the side effects, but if she gets too sick or develops secondary infections she'll need to be isolated in the hospital."
"When will we know?" asked Harm, his comforting arm around his ex-wife.
"If it spread?" he asked.
"Yeah," said Harm quietly.
"Tomorrow at the latest," he replied. "But my guess is that it did metastases to the spinal cord."
"I need to go lie down" said Mac.
"Of course," replied Dr. Jacobson. "Mr. Rabb is there anyone you'd like us to call for Mrs. Rabb while we test Lucy? Or…"
"Mac is in a relationship and I am…they are both here to be with her while I'm in with Lucy," said Harm, gently ushering Mac over to the sofa in the corner of the room.
Mac lay back and placed a hand on her baby mound. As she settled back she felt it, "Oh!"
"What?" asked Harm. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
Mac took a long deep breath, "No, I think that was a contraction."
"Its way too soon for those," said Harm. "Do I need to call your doctor?"
Mac took another breath, "Let me rest and see if they pass. I'm scared, that may be why."
He nodded, kneeling down to look at her. "I'll call when I get back...or...I should probably call Mic and have him come sit with you if the pain continues."
"He's busy with DJ. We don't need to get DJ more upset that he is all ready today," Mac replied. "Analise is fine for now. Go to Lucy."
"All right," he said. "Just speak up if you feel any more pain."
Mac nodded and leaned back to relax.
Harm went to Analise and Lucy. The child was clinging to Analise and fussing.
"Come on, Lucy," he said as he reached for her. "Come with me for a little bit, okay?"
"My head hurts," she whimpered. "I don't want to see the doctor anymore."
"I know," he said. "But it won't be for very long. We need to go, sweetie."
"Where's Mommy?" Lucy asked. "I want Mommy."
"She needs to rest," said Harm. "She needs to keep the baby safe. She'll be in when you come back with me."
Lucy snuggled close, "I don't want to see the doctor. I don't! I don't want to see him!" she started fidgeting and protesting. She liked this new doctor, but she sensed the tension and the fear. She hung onto Analise's neck as if that would stop Harm from taking her back to see Dr. Jacobsen again.
Though it broke his heart to do it, Harm gently pulled his little girl away from Analise.
"Baby, please," said Harm, not wanting to hurt her. She was squirming so much now there was no way she'd hold still for a spinal tap. Dr. Jacobsen witnessed her reaction, had seen it a hundred times before and prepared a syringe to assist Harm and himself in getting the necessary sample.
"Hold her tight, Mr. Rabb," Dr. Jacobson said coming at her with a needle.
Harm thought he'd be sick at the sight a relatively large needle coming at his little girl. He held his breath and said a prayer.
The doctor grabbed Lucy's tiny arm and injected the medicine. Lucy shuttered in Harm's arms, once, twice, then went still.
"Is she totally out?" asked Harm.
"Yeah. I gave her a fast acting sedative," he replied. "She'll sleep for awhile. We can get the test without causing her pain this way."
Harm nodded, relieved and thankful for the quick thinking doctor.
"Harm, I can take her for the test," Analise offered. "Go check on Mac. Lucy won't know you're not here."
"I should stay with her," he said, feeling very protective.
Analise nodded, "Do you want me to stay with you?"
"No, stay with Mac," he said, nodding towards Mac.
Analise nodded and reached for him pulling him close to her, "I need you to get me through this," he said to her.
She held him tight to her, "I will, Baby. I promise. I love you."
"What if..." He couldn't even finish his sentence. The thought was too much.
"Then I'll be here. I'll care for you; I'll love you through it, Harm. I promise. Okay?" she asked kissing his cheeks softly.
He nodded, knowing she meant every word.
He leaned down and gave her a kiss, thankful she was going to be beside him.
After the effects of the sedative wore off, Lucy was able to return home with her mother and Mic. Lucy slept all the way home as Mac and Mic discussed all of the what if's, at least until Mac began to feel ill at the thought of losing her little girl. When that happened, Mic, in a rare show of selflessness, quickly changed the subject to what they still needed from the grocery store.
Harm and Analise returned to her apartment, and though she wanted to talk, he wanted only to lie down on the bed and pretend the day had never happened.
Analise slid onto the bed beside Harm and gently stroked his cheek and forehead, "Do you want some tea?" she asked.
"No," he said wearily glad he could stop being the strong figure for just a little while and deal with his fear of what they were facing.
"How about some chicken soup?" she asked. "I can go to the corner and get some."
"Thanks, sweetie," he said. "But I'm just not hungry."
She continued his tender stroking, "Can I do anything for you, Honey?"
He looked her in the eye. "I wish...but, no. Just hold me?"
Analise shifted so she was on her back and let him crawl close to her. She put her arms around him and began a slow gentle rocking motion, "We're going to do this Harm. We're going to beat this. I promise."
"What if we can't?" he asked, his voice so soft she almost couldn't hear him.
"What, Baby?" she asked as she rocked.
"What if we can't beat it?" He felt his heart shudder within his chest.
Analise tightened her grip, "Well, you cry. You cry a lot. You yell and scream and rail at the injustice of it all, and eventually, though a part of you will always hurt, you move on with your life."
He lifted his head a bit. "Like you did with Michael?"
She nodded, "Like I did with Michael. I love him and I'll always miss him, but I don't mourn him anymore. You'll never forget, but one day it just won't rule your life anymore."
"Ana," he began. "If I lose her, my life will...I don't think I could ever move on from that."
"Not even with me by your side?" she asked.
"I'd want to," he said, emotion beginning to creep into his voice. "I'm not sure I could."
Analise resumed her soothing massage, "Harm, if Lucy's cancer has invaded her nervous system you are going to have to prepare yourself for two distinct possibilities, Honey."
"I know, but I can't think like that right now," he said. "I just need..."
"What, Baby? Tell me what you need," she urged.
He gazed up at her, his eyes full of tears. "You?"
She leaned down and gave him a soft, sweet kiss. "You have me, Love. But you have to listen to me talk first, okay. You have to because I'm still far enough on the outside to be able to see this. Please, listen to me."
He nodded, blinking back his emotion.
"If Lucy's cancer has spread, she'll more than likely at some point lose the use of her legs, maybe her arms. She may never get it back, even if...if she survives. Also, the more systems it invades, the more likely that...that she won't make it and if that, if either of those things happens Harm, you have to be strong, for Lucy, for DJ, and for Mac. You have to carry this, Harm. I know it is hard, and I'll help you, but you have to carry Lucy and Mac through this, because Mac can't and Mic won't. But I'll carry you. If you promise me you'll carry them, I'll carry you."
He pulled her close and allowed himself to let his tears fall. "I know you will, and I know I have to…to be the strong one for them. And I will be." He checked a tear on his cheek.
She kissed his hair as she held him closer. "You cry in here, Honey. You cry in here."
And he did. He cried with everything he had in him.
Analise rocked and cooed to Harm, making nonsense sounds and speaking of love until his harsh ragged sobbing turned to soft breaths as he fell into a deep hopefully restful sleep. She then, with him safe in her arms, turned her eyes skyward, "Don't take that little girl. Please don't take her."
Upon arriving home, Mic carried a still-sleeping Lucy to her room while Mac followed behind and made sure she got settled. Once that was done, Mac knew she had to get back into her own bed, which she did very gladly after kicking off her shoes and changing into her favorite pair of pajamas. Mic went to the kitchen to grab a snack, and then returned to the bedroom, knowing she'd need to talk and deciding he needed to listen.
Mac gratefully took the snack, but only picked at it. "I'm not hungry."
"I know love," Mic replied. "But Lucy and the baby, and that little Mate need you to stay strong. You all are going to have a tough ride."
Mac nodded. "She has...She has cancer," Mac said. She had to make herself say it.
He reached over and took her hand. "I know, but she's a little fighter, just like her mother. She'll beat this."
"Mic, it's cancer," Mac sighed. "She's going to die."
"We don't know that for sure yet," he said. "She might, yes, but she might not."
"I'm her mother, I know," Mac replied. "And if she lives, she won't be Lucy anymore."
Mic sighed. "We need to prepare for everything that might happen, that's true. We also can't let that little girl know that we think she's going to die. She needs us to be strong."
Mac looked at Mic and started to laugh.
"Is something funny?" he asked.
"Yes," Mac replied. "That comment. The "we" in that comment. You can't stand Lucy. You haven't liked her or made and effort to be a supportive figure in her life since day one. You might as well flat out hate her."
His eyes became wide as saucers. "I don't hate her! We don't always get along, but I don't hate her, not at all."
"You don't love her. Not like I do, not like Harm does. She's going to need people who love her Mic, not people who shout at her and call her names," Mac snapped at him.
"I haven't called her a name in weeks" he defended.
"You should never have called her one at all!" Mac shouted. "She's a tiny little girl who lost her home and nearly lost her Mommy a few times in just one year and you..." Mac stopped and put a hand on her belly, the pains she felt earlier coming back.
"Sarah? What is it?" he asked in a panic.
"A pain," she replied. "In my stomach."
"A bad one?" he asked.
"Not as bad as before," Mac replied. "Its just stress. Can you..."
"Before?" he asked, puzzled. "You had pain before? When?"
"When we were in with Dr. Jacobson," Mac replied. "I had pains, but Harm sat me down and they passed."
"You should have told me," he said, very unhappy at learning Harm had been the one to tend to Mac's pain. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you and the baby."
"You were down at the toy shop with DJ," Mac replied. "Harm's tended things like this before, he's an old hand at it."
"Yeah, whatever," sighed Mic, rising from the bed. "Do you need anything?"
Mac nodded her head up and down biting her lip.
"Oh, hey now" he said, his tone softening as he knelt beside her. "Don't cry. Tell me."
Mac began to sob and murmur. The only words Mic heard were "My baby."
Knowing she needed support from him, he pulled her close and tried to comfort her. "Its okay...it'll be okay. We'll get through it."
Mac shook her head, "No. No..."
"We will," he said. "I promise, somehow, we will."
Mac shook her head and continued to cry shaking her head until, as Harm had across town she fell asleep in her lover's arms.