Chapter 79

Harm sat rocking his baby son when finally the hour was up, "Captain?" another nurse spoke to him. She was very young, no more than 22 or 23 and reminded him of a younger Mac, not in looks but in her firm businesslike stance. She was together, yet very human.

"Yes?" he replied, looking up from Matthew for the first time since he sat down.

"I'm Nurse Wilson, I'm here from ICU," she said gently. "He's beautiful. Congratulations. I just love babies."

"Thank you," replied Harm with a proud smile. "How's his mom doing?"

"She's...Its best you come with me," she told Harm. Mac had willed herself awake and was very scared. She was fighting her bodies need for rest until she had answers from someone she trusted.

Harm nodded. "Let me give him back, and we'll go." He rose from the rocker, handed Matthew off, with a kiss, and followed Nurse Wilson out the door.

"I should warn you, she is very weak and pale. She's also in a good deal of pain," the nurse outlined. "Keep it very brief."

"I understand," said Harm as the pair made their way to the elevator.

A few minutes later Harm was standing outside Mac's cubicle. It was a fishbowl the ICU, he hated it there, only most of the time he was a patient there, not a visitor. "Go on," the nurse encouraged. "Don't make her talk too much and whatever she says indulge her. She's still not out of the woods."

"I will," he said as he stepped through the doorway. He walked slowly to the head of her bed, not speaking until he was right beside her. "Mac?" he said softly. "It's Harm. Can you hear me?"

She smiled that same faint peaceful smile she had in the bathroom and spoke his name softly almost reverently, "Harm?"

"Yeah," he replied gently. "I'm still here. I'm not supposed to let you talk too much, but I wanted to see you."

"My baby?" Mac asked touching her stomach. "What happened to it?"

"The baby's fine," he said, placing his hand over hers. "He's in the nursery. I just finished feeding and rocking him."

"It's a boy?" she asked. "A son." That smile again.

"Yeah," he whispered. "We got another boy. He's so beautiful, Mac."

"He's ours Harm," she said having no memory of telling him or even naming their boy. "He's ours. Yours."

He smiled tenderly, a tear rolling down his face. "I know. He's our little miracle baby; the one we wanted so badly. We have him now."

Mac closed her eyes for a moment, and then look up startled.

"You okay?' he asked, instant worry hitting him.

"No, I..." She pulled her hand back and tried to push herself up from the mattress.

"No, no, Mac," he said, gently preventing her from sitting up. "You can't sit up yet, you just came out of surgery."

"But Lucy...I have to go..." She stopped talking losing her strength from moving too quickly.

"No, she's fine, Mac," he insisted as she quit trying to sit up. "I was with her this morning, and I fed her some of her breakfast, and gave her the pain meds and sang her to sleep."

"She has to be fed her lunch and her exercises..." Mac told him. "And...Why do I hurt so much?"

"I'll take care of her," he said, "I promise. You hurt so much because...Do you remember anything from last night?"

"I think...I remember getting locked in that dirty bathroom with you. You yelled at the door," she sighed and gave a tiny laugh.

He smiled. "Yeah, I sure did. Do you remember anything else?"

"You delivered the baby and it hurt so badly," she whispered. "It was cold. That's all I remember."

"It's okay," he said, taking a hold of her hand, careful not to disturb her IV port. "Matthew, he's fine, and so is Lucy, and so are you."

"I told you he's your son," she remembered. "And you cried. Why?"

He took a deep breath, trying not to cry again. "I was so...overwhelmed...that he could've even possibly been mine. You were sure, though. Even as much pain as you were in, you kept insisting he was mine."

"The minute I found out I knew he was yours," Mac replied. "To carry the child of the man you lo...you were married to...is like no other feeling."

"But...how?" he asked, still holding her hand. "You said Utah, but...?"

"We made love, Harm," Mac whispered rapidly losing energy. "You were so sick but we...we made love and we made Matthew."

"Just like that?" he asked tenderly. "After all you'd gone through with Mic, we made love once, and we got a miracle?"

"I had a dream Harm," Mac whispered.

"You did?" he asked, brushing the hair away from her eyes. "What did you dream?"

"It was all white and warm but I wasn't scared because...Grams was there. She said it, she said...that Matthew...he's from her," Mac told him, and then closed her eyes against a wave of pain.

Harm smiled and swallowed hard at the realization that the little blessing asleep one floor up from where they were, was indeed a gift from above. Noticing the pained expression on Mac's face, he turned his thoughts once more to her. "Can I get anything for you? Do you need more pain killers?

She shook her head, "I want to hold my baby."

"I know you do," he said, "But you're not strong enough yet. He's a big boy, 9 pounds 5 ounces. He's heavy."

"I need to hold my baby," she repeated. "Please."

He nodded. "Let me go see what I can do. I'll be back."

Harm went out to the nurses' station and asked if there was any way for Mac to hold Matthew for a few moments. When he got the answer, he returned to her side.

"I'm sorry," he said. "They said he can't come down here because of the germs he'd be exposed to. Maybe you'll be better tomorrow and can move to a regular room, and then you can see him and hold him and even feed him if you want to."

Mac meekly nodded her head and spoke softly, "I'm very tired."

"Get some rest," he said. "You've been through a lot. If you need me, I'll be right here."

She shook her head, "No."

"No...what?" he asked, taking her hand in his once again.

"Go to our babies, Harm," Mac told him. "I'll be okay. It's time for Lucy's lunch."

"Okay," he said. "You go to sleep, and I'll go feed Lucy. I'll let your nurse know where to find me."

Before Harm could rise to leave Nurse Wilson stepped inside, "Mrs. Rabb, it's time for your husband to leave now. He can come back later."

"I was just leaving," said Harm to the nurse as he let go of Mac's hand and pulled her blanket up just a little higher. "Can we speak outside?"

"Certainly," the nurse replied and led him out.

Once they were out of Mac's cubicle, Harm began to explain things to the nurse. "I'm not technically her husband," he said. "Well, I was, but we're divorced. I'm still officially her next of kin, though, so I guess I can do everything for her that I could when we were still married, but I just wanted you to know that we're, uh...we're not married...right now."

The nurse smirked, "Could have fooled me," she sighed. "Well, as next of kin, yes you still make her medical decisions and have privileges to see her and to restrict her visitors. Anyone you wish to restrict?"

"As a matter of fact," said Harm, "There is. Commander Mic Brumby. He'll probably come by later today, definitely by tomorrow, and I don't want him anywhere near her."

"Certainly, Sir," the nurse replied. "Are you going to wait here until you can be with her again?"

"No," answered Harm. "She asked me to go feed our daughter lunch; she's in the peds unit. By the time I finish thee, the baby will need to be fed again, and then I can come back and see Sarah."

"Peds? Tonsils?" the nurse asked feeling sorry for this frazzled father.

"No," answered Harm softly. "Leukemia."

"I'm very sorry, Sir," she replied. "Good luck."

"Thank you," he said, taking a deep breath as he exited the ICU and headed for the elevator to get him to the pediatric floor.

Harm could hear it before he even got off the elevator. There was no mistaking Lucy's cries.

He ran down the corridor to her room. "What's wrong, baby girl?" he asked, immediately opening his arms and taking her into them.

"She's been complaining of pain since she woke up, Sir," her nurse replied. "And now she's fighting me on her lunch."

"I'll take over," he said, holding Lucy close and rubbing her back. "She's not used to her mother and I both being away."

The nurse smiled, "If she's not better in a little while, I'm going to have to call her oncologist," she told him leaving the loving father to soothe his child.

"Ssh...it's okay, Button," he said. "Daddy's here. You don't need to cry."

Lucy sniffled and continued to whimper, "It hurts, Daddy. I want Mommy."

"I know you do, love," he said. "But mommy is still sick in her bed, but you know what? She asked me to come here and sit with you and help you eat lunch."

"I don't want my lunch," Lucy whimpered. "I don't feel good."

"Do you want me to push your button?" he asked, wondering when the last time was anyone had pushed it.

"Cathy pushed it," she sniffled.

"Well, I'll push it anyway," he said. "It might make you feel better." He reached over and grabbed the cord, pressing the button at the end. "There. Maybe that'll help some. You sure you don't want your lunch? It looks good."

"I don't want any," she whimpered and made a few tiny sounds similar to those Mac made at the height of her endometriosis flare ups.

"Okay, okay, sweetie," he said. "Do you want daddy to sing you your sleepy song?"

Again she shook her head and continued to make those little noises clinging to her father.

Unsure of what to do, Harm could think of nothing other than holding onto his precious little girl as she whimpered and cried. "What's hurting you, baby?" he asked as he kissed the top of her head.

"My back and belly," she whispered. "They burned me again."

He had to swallow hard and count backwards from ten in his head to keep himself from breaking down in front of Lucy, which would've only made things worse. "I'm sorry they had to do that, Button. Can daddy do anything to make it stop hurting?"

Meanwhile Lucy's nurse heard her continue to cry and paged her doctor. He arrived and entered with a bright smile, "Hi, Lucy. What's the matter, Sweetheart?" he asked before Lucy answered her Daddy.

"She said her back and her belly hurt," said Harm. "From the radiation."

The doctor quickly checked the PCA, "She's locked out."

"I pressed it just a few minutes ago," said Harm.

"No more for an hour," he told him. "She's had all seven boosters. She'd do better with a cath."

"No," said Harm. "We haven't changed our position on that, and it's not likely we will."

The doctor shook his head, "Where's Mommy Lucy?"

"Mommy's sick in bed," cried the child. "I want her."

"Mommy's at home today, huh?" he asked gently. "But you've got your Daddy here all day."

"Mac's not home, Doc," Harm corrected. "She's down on the first floor. She had the baby last night."

Dr. Jacobsen had learned through the months dealing with the Rabb family that Mrs. Rabb's pregnancy was high risk. He only assumed with Harm's reference to the first floor she'd delivered with complications.

"Well, maybe if you feel better later and where the special mask Daddy can take you to see her for a minute. I think that would be okay," the doctor smiled. "Did you get a baby brother or sister Lucy? Is that why Mommy's here?" he asked as he reached out to remove Lucy from Harm's embrace.

"Uh-huh," she said, "I got a new brother. No, don't touch me, I want daddy!"

"Daddy can hold your hand, but I have to check your belly since it hurts okay, Sweetie?" he asked looking at Harm. Mac was firm with her when she did this; he had doubts about the father.

"Do as the doctor asked, Button," said Harm, pulling her arms from around his shoulders. "I'll sit right here and hold your hand, okay?"

Lucy screamed as if they were trying to kill her, but eventually the doctor got her gown up and checked around her belly. The skin was beat red there and on her back and the skin around the port was a brighter red. "Okay, good job, Lucy. Can I see your hand?"

Still crying, she held her hand out for the doctor to examine.

The doctor took a syringe from his coat pocket and injected some medication into her IV connection. "That will make you sleep," he told her.

"Mr. Rabb," he motioned to speak with him outside.

"Daddy will be right back, baby," Harm said, lying Lucy down against her pillow and following the doctor out into the hall.

"The port again," he told Harm. "Not as bad, but enough. Is there anyway we can get her mother up here. She's deteriorated significantly in the last 24 hours."

He shook his head. "Her mother is in ICU recovering from a severely traumatic delivery and an emergency hysterectomy. There's no way she can make it up here today. I'm the only one here, so tell me what I can do for my little girl."

"I don't know," he replied. "I gave her an antibiotic for the infection and some extra painkillers. She's...Her spirits are bad today and in her condition..."

"I understand," sighed Harm. "Mac wants to come see her, but physically she's just not up to it yet. Lucy wants to see the baby, but... Hey, later on, could I take her to see the baby through the window?"

"Not with that infection," the doctor replied. "He's a newborn...he has immunity from Mrs. Rabb. You can bring him to her."

"Daddy," Lucy whimpered from her bed struggling to move.

"Think about it, Mr. Rabb," the doctor said. "It'd do him no harm and could do her a world of good."

"I will," he said, "I need to get back to her. Thank you, doctor."

"I want Mommy," she cried to him. "I want to go home."

"Well, I'm not too sure about mommy today, baby girl," he said as he rubbed her head. "But when I go see her, I'll tell her that you want to see her, and maybe she can come for a minute. We'll have to wait and see, though, but I know baby Matthew can come in, and you can hold him and talk to him, just like you did when DJ was born."

Lucy let out a yawn then, "I'll like that I hope. Sometimes I don't like anything Daddy."

Harm clenched his jaw to keep himself in one piece. "Get some sleep, baby. I love you so much."

She yawned again, "My song?" she asked hopeful.

"Of course," he said with a smile, hoping the teardrops in his eyes didn't fall before his little girl was asleep.

Harm sat and held on Lucy for a half hour, singing until he was hoarse. Still nothing he could do could help the little girl fall asleep. The medication did little to dull the pain she was feeling, and even its narcotic effect could not ease her to sleep.

"You can't sleep, huh, Button?" he asked softly.

"No," she sniffled. "It hurts really bad."

"I know, sweetheart," he said, taking notice of how warm Lucy felt against his touch. "Can Daddy do anything else to make you feel better?"

"I want Mommy," Lucy whispered. "She cuddles me."

"I can cuddle you," he offered, knowing that he couldn't do it the way Mac did it, but he'd do his best.

"No you can't," she started to cry again. "You don't have pillows."

"I don't have..." It occurred to him that Lucy meant breasts, and he smiled a little. "No, I don't have pillows, but I can still hold you close like she does."

"But I don't want you. I want Mommy," Lucy said not understanding she'd hurt his feelings as she started to cry harder and whimper more.

With the fresh wave of tears his child was shedding, Harm realized that the one and only way to settle her down was to somehow allow her to see her mother. "Okay," he said gently as he tried in vain to comfort her. "Let me go talk to mommy's doctor and see if he'll let her come see you. Would that make you not hurt so bad?"

Lucy shook her head, "No. But I want her anyway."

Before Harm could get off the bed all the way, AJ walked in and frowned. He had a huge teddy bear with him but at the sound of Lucy's cries he went to the bed, "What's wrong?" The question was for Lucy or Harm, whoever answered.

"She's hurting a lot today, Uncle AJ," answered Harm. "She wants her mommy, so I'm gonna go see if I can make that happen. Would you mind sitting here with her for awhile?"

"Not at all," AJ smiled. "Want me to tell you a sea story, Skipper?" AJ asked reaching for the little girl.

"No," sobbed Lucy as she leaned into his embrace. "I want mommy."

"Well Daddy's going to try to get her for you, but how about that story until he gets back huh?" AJ pressed. "That or we could meet your new friend over there?" He pointed to the bear. Every time AJ came he brought a gift.

"That's a really big bear," she said, her tears slowing a little.

"Yep, he's here to keep you company and to cuddle with you when Mommy, Daddy or I can't be here. Do you want to name him?" he asked.

Lucy nodded. "I don't know a good name for him," she sniffled.

"What's your favorite name for boys?" he asked her rubbing the small patch of hair she still had on her head.

"I'm not sure," she said, her voice tiny and weak. "I have a new baby brother named Matthew. That's why mommy isn't here."

"I know. I got to see him and he's a really big boy. Do you like the name Matthew?" he asked.

"Mm-hmm," she replied. "It's like mommy's uncle. I haven't gotten to see my brother yet 'cause I'm sick. I want to hold him. Did you get to hold him?"

"Yes I did," AJ replied. "And you know what he told me?"

"He can't talk yet, Uncle AJ," said Lucy. "He's only a day old, and he's really little."

"I know that, but did I ever tell you about Admiral's privilege?" he asked.

The child shook her head gently.

As this went on Harm saw his opportunity to slip out the door and head back to check on Mac and on the possibility of her being able to be with Lucy. It upset him that AJ could calm her when he couldn't, but maybe a fresh face or a distraction was exactly what she needed. With this in mind he made his way to the ICU.

He peeked his head into Mac's cubicle, finding her sound asleep and thankfully so. Not wanting to wake her, he went to the nurses' station and asked about Dr. Bradley's whereabouts. The nurse told him she would page the good doctor, and said Harm was free to go sit beside Mac if he wished. He did just that, sitting with her for several minutes before realizing that it was past time for Matthew's next feeding. He was torn between remaining with Mac and waiting for the doctor, and going up to give the baby his bottle when Dr. Bradley appeared.

"You asked to see me, Harm?" the doctor asked. "She seems fine. Is there a problem?"

"Yeah," he replied. "But not with her. It's Lucy. She's taken a real turn for the worse these last 24 hours, and she's asking for her mommy over and over. Her oncologist said we've got to do all we can to get her spirits up again, and I told her I'd come check with mommy's doctor to see if mommy could maybe go up there and see her. I know Sarah's in no shape to do much, but I'm telling you, doc, Lucy is..." He felt himself begin to lose it, so he stopped speaking.

"I'm sorry, Harm. I just can't do it. Sarah is too weak to sit up on her own right now and I've seen evidence of infection...I can't in good conscience..." Harm cut him off violently.

"You're not listening to me!" he said. "Our little girl is up there, sick as can be and begging for her mother, and while I can't do anything else to take away her pain, I can, with your cooperation, give her some time with her mother! I realize Sarah is sick and in bad shape - I was with her all night last night, remember, I'm the one who had to coach her through the contractions from hell and watch her almost bleed to death as I sat next to her holding our son - but you and I both know that if she had any clue that Lucy was so upset over her absence, she'd do anything she had to do to be with her, and that's what I'm asking you to do!"

"I'm just afraid it would tax Sarah's system beyond its capabilities..." the doctor tried.

Harm ran his hands over his unshaven face. "What about having her transferred up there? To Lucy's room?"

"That's highly irregular, Harm," the doctor said. "Who's Lucy oncologist?"

"Dr. Jacobson," answered Harm.

"I'll tell you what, I'll have him paged and I'll speak to him. If he agrees we'll give it a try, but if Sarah starts to go south, she comes back here," Dr. Bradley replied. "Understood?"

"Yes, sir," agreed Harm. "Thank you, I know it's not how you usually do things, but Lucy's just so sick and..."

"I understand. My sisters's boy died of leukemia when he was eight, only he had AML which is a lot harder to beat," Dr. Bradley told him. "You're little one is doing just great."

"Captain?" Nurse Wilson appeared next to him just then. "You're needed."

"Where?" asked Harm with a slight sigh. He'd been up for well over 36 hours, and he was beginning to feel the fatigue.

"Sarah is awake. She asked for you," the nurse told him with a smile. "Whenever you are ready."

With a nod, Harm extended his hand to Dr. Bradley. "Thank you, again, for everything you've done for us."