(Chapter 12! Thank you to everyone who has stuck around this far. Just as a warning, this chapter is pretty dark. I know there will be at least two more chapters after this one, maybe three. I hope you enjoy this update, please feel free to leave me a review. Much love. Jordon.)

"How frail the human heart must be - a mirrored pool of thought." Sylvia Plath

Day 17

Emily is waiting for me outside of our favorite shoe store. As I round the corner, I take a moment to truly look at her. Her face is covered my large black sunshades and she hugs her thick wool coat close to her body. I can see the collar of her favorite tan turtleneck underneath, and I can't help but smile at her obsession with the clothing item. Many of our shopping trips had ended up in a hot debate about the merits of a top that felt like it was strangling you as you wore it. She wore jeans and beat up brown loafers. In one hand she clutched a coffee and in the other her phone, which she was scrolling through. She is leaning against the building in what could only be described as a casual yet unattainable stance. God, I've missed my best friend.

She looks up as I near her and her face brightens, than quickly falls. But then it's gone as she pushes up her glasses and pulls me in for a hug, replaced with a face that is kind and neutral.

"Jayje! Oh my god I've missed you!" She pulls back from the hug and I can tell she is consciously not allowing her eyes to sweep down my body.

"I've missed you too," I lament. "But let's go inside. It's so cold out!" We bustle out of the chilly November air into the shoe store. The air smells like leather and lavender, and it feels comforting. We troll down the aisles, examining every heel, boot, and flat that catches out eye.

"Wait Spencer got hit on by an unsub?! I didn't know anything about it!" I pouted at her latest bit of gossip.

She laughed as she picked up a pair of suede booties. "Well you know Reid, he's very private about these kind of things. And when you think about Morgan's reaction can you really blame him?" As she goes into detail at the delight with which Derek had teased Reid, I can't help but feel the tug of loneliness in my chest. I should be seeing and hearing all of this first hand. It's dumb but it reminds of a time when I was a little girl. I couldn't have been more than 7 years old, but a boy was teasing me about being a girl in the lunch line. It was picture day so I was wearing a dress with a matching bow. He wouldn't leave me alone so I had pushed him down with all the contempt my tiny little body could muster. Unfortunately, a teacher saw and I was kept in from recess. I can remember seeing all of my friends outside the window, laughing and playing games. I remember being sad, and angry that my friends had carried on in their lives without me.

"...you listening to me? JJ!" Emily's voice pulls me from my haze of memories.

"Yeah?"

She quirks an eyebrow at me. "Are you okay?"

I nod quickly and regret it. I haven't eaten anything today other than my standard coffee and hard boiled eggs, and the room goes a bit fuzzy. I try to surreptitiously place a steadying hand on the display next to me until it passes, but it is not missed by Emily. She places a hand softly on my shoulder.

"I'm not seeing anything I like in here, wanna head out?" I smile and agree, thankful that she has decided to ignore my moment of weakness.

We leave the shoe store and walk down the street, silent. We make it a few blocks before she points to a small cafe.

"I could really use some coffee."

"You just had Starbucks."

"Okay… Well I could use some more." My stomach sinks as I allow myself to be guided inside. The warm air is full of delicious, intoxicating smells. The hostess leads us to an unoccupied booth and brings us water, coffee, and menus. Emily opens hers and pretends to nonchalantly look over the options as I resolutely sit mine to the side.

"I'm hungrier than I realized! I think I'm going to get a burger… Wanna split some fries with me?" She gives me a hopeful glance.

"No." My voice is quiet but steady, and for that I am thankful. I am too tried to play this game with her today. I just wanted an afternoon with my friend, where we could pretend that everything was fine but Emily was ruining it.

"I hear they have great salads. I think the chicken Caesar won some sort of award."

"I"m not hungry." I deadpan.

She lowers the menu slowly to the tabletop. "Jayje… I thought you were trying to be better."

"Better than what?"

"Than this. This shell of a woman who used to be my friend." I am silent. "Don't you want to come back?"

I can't help but laugh at her question. "Of course I want to come back. If Hotch hadn't made this ridiculous ultimatum-"

"JJ you're going to die." It spills from her mouth in a strangled gasp. I can see tears dangerously close to falling as she leans forward an captured my hands between her own. "I am terrified that we are going to lose you forever. And then what will we do? How will this unit survive?"

I shake my head slowly back and forth, unable to break eye contact with her. "You don't need me. You'll be okay." I whisper.

"No," she pulls in a shuddering breath and one of the tears escapes down her pale cheek. "I don't think we will."

We sit in silence for almost fifteen minutes. The waitress comes back tot take our orders and Emily shoos her away. She puts down money for our largely untouched beverages and we leave the cafe. She puts an arm through mine as we walk towards where our cars are parked, and I let my head rest on her shoulder.

"How is Reid?"

She sighs heavily. "He's not talking about it. When you come up, he pretty much shuts down."

"I've tried calling a few times."

"He's worried. We all are. This is one thing his big, genius brain can't wrap around. He can't understand why someone so beautiful and wonderful could be so hell bent on destroying herself."

I untangle myself from her grasp. I have my mind made up to ignore her last comments and just say goodbye, but the weary look in her eyes stops me.

"I… I love you. I love you all. And I'm so sorry." I wrap my arms tightly around her neck and I can feel her gingerly hug me back.

"Please stop, JJ. We are so scared."

My breath has began to come in ragged gasps. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And with that I pull away and hurriedly walk to my car, not looking back even as she called my name.

Day 18

"Hello, you've reached the voice mailbox of Dr. Spencer Reid. I can't come to the phone right now, but leave your name and a short message detailing the nature of your call and I will be back in touch with you shortly. Thank you."

Day 21

Rossi looks sheepish and out of place on my doorstep. He is holding what appears to be a gift basket in his arms.

"From Penelope," he explains as he hands it over. I take it and place it on the ground by the wall, already knowing that it will end up in the dumpster. He shifts on his feet, as uncomfortable as I have ever seen him.

"May I come in?"

"It's probably best you don't. I'm not feeling well, I think I caught a bug." It's not a complete lie. I feel like shit. But we both know it's not the flu or a cold. I just don't have the energy to hear his pleas right now.

"Do you need anything? Medicine? Soup? Extra tissues?"

I give him a small smile. "No, I have everything I need. I mainly just need rest."

"We miss you at the BAU, Jen." he tells me softly. I nod, not meeting his eyes. "We need you." I thank him for the gift basket and tell him goodbye, shutting the door. I pull my thick cardigan closer to my body, shivering even though the heat is turned up. Rossi knocking at the door had woken me from my bed so I head to the bathroom to start my morning routine.

I use the bathroom, and strip myself of all my layers, shivering on the cold tile. I step on the scale and weight for it to settle.

93 pounds. 93 fucking pounds. Why wasn't this good enough? Why wasn't I good enough? I walk to the kitchen and turn on my Keurig, preparing myself for another lonely, empty day.

Day 26

I am pull on a pair of black leggings and a tank top. Over the tank I layer a tee shirt and a thick sweatshirt. I pull my hair into a ponytail and slide on the bright pink ear warmer that Garcia knit me last year for Christmas. Than I pull on my running shoes, taking care to bend and touch my toes, stretching my hamstrings.

As I pull the door shut, I can see him walking towards me. "Hi Morgan."

"Hey yourself." He's dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, a scarf bundled around his neck. He's holding his go bag, and it's clear that he has just come home from a case.

"What's up?"

"Well I had heard you were sick so I was going to come check on you, but apparently you're feeling better."

I nodded as I pumped my legs trying to get them warmed up. "Oh yeah, turns out it was just a 24 hour thing."

"Goin out for a run?"

"Yeah, I thought I might." He pulls off his sunglasses so he can look at me straight on.

"Maybe I'll come along. Get some exercise."

"You really don't need- you just got home from a case. You're tired. Go home."

"I'm okay. Here, let me change and I'll tag along. Keep you company." I begrudgingly let him into my apartment. I show him to the bathroom and wait on the couch, anxiously tapping my foot.

When he's dressed in workout gear from his bag, we head back outside. We stand on my sidewalk stretching before I slowly start jogging toward the park, him by my side. When we reach our destination I pick my favorite route and begin to push myself. Morgan of course is in wonderful shape so he keeps up just fine. For some reason this annoys more than I care to admit. I push harder and he matches. Finally, it's to the point where we are sprinting down the path by the playground. My heart thunders in my chest and suddenly I have to stop. I grab onto a nearby tree as I stagger to a standstill. Morgan slows a few moment s after me and back tracks until he's standing beside me, his hand on my back. The world is swimming in front of me. Morgan is talking but I can't make out the words. The air tastes metallic in my mouth and suddenly my stomach rolls. I heave up coffee stained bile, there not being much else to throw up. My stomach muscles cry out at the contractions and my head throbs from the pressure. I try to push Morgan away and stand up straight but then my heart lurches inside me and my chest feels like it will combust. I cry out and suddenly the world closes out like I'm falling through a tunnel.

When I open my eyes, I can see a blurry image of Derek leaning over me. I can feel the leaves beneath me. I close my eyes.

When I open my eyes, he's leaning closer, and I can barely hear him asking me to hold on, to fight, that help is on it's way. His fingers are on my wrist as he frantically tries to find my pulse. I close my eyes.

When I open my eyes, I can see Derek as well as a few others who have gathered around me. I should feel embarrassed, but at this point I don't care. I look up into the gray clouds above. I am so tired. I close my eyes.

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