(Alright everyone, her is chapter 13! As you know, this story is drawing to a close. There will be one more chapter following this. I will not be writing a sequel fic to this. Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with the inner workings of eating disorders, but I don't know much about recovery. And I don't want to write something I don't know and get it wrong. However, if you enjoy my writing, I invite you take a look at my other CM stories: Something Desired, Home, Monster, and Here for You. There's also a good chance that I'll start more fics in the future. So be sure to give me an author follow if you would like to keep in the know! Thank you for staying with me, and following this to the end. Jordon.)

"Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?" Bob Marley

My eyes flicker open, and I recognize that I'm in a hospital room. A TV flickers in the corner, playing some sort of afternoon soap opera. Sun filters through the blinds on the window. The door opens, and Emily walks in. Her hair is pulled into a messy ponytail with several strands falling to frame her face. She's looking down at the coffee in her hands and when she looks up and sees me awake, she stops short.

"JJ." she breathes out. I bring a weary hand to my face and push away some stray hair.

"E… Emily." My throat hurts and it comes out as a gravely whisper. "What happened?"

She sets her coffee on the table beside my bed then takes a seat on the edge of my bed. "Do you remember going out for a run with Morgan?" I nod. "You… you pushed too hard. The doctors, they think you developed something called mitral valve prolapse as you lost weight. It's why you've been having chest pains. It's also probably why you passed out at Rossi's."

"And that's why I fainted at the park?"

She reaches out and takes a hold of my hand. She sadly shakes her head. "No, uhm… You also developed a cariac arrythmia. It led to you going into cardiac arrest."

"I… I had a heart attack?" She nodded and brought her other hand to my cheek.

"Thankfully, the paramedics got there in time. You… you're going to be okay. But only if you… If you stop." The last three words come out in a whisper.

I take in a shaky breath. Hot tears collect in my eyes and I swallow, trying to keep them in check.

Her phone rings, and she squeezes my hand before stepping out to take the call. My rub my hands together, they're so cold they're almost numb. I pull the blankets closer. I try to find something within the room to focus on, to help push down these feelings, but the bare, stagnant space provides nothing.

The door opens but instead of Emily, it's Spence. He shuts the door behind him and stands nervously at the perimeter of the room.

"Hey Spence." I croak out.

"Hi."

"How are you holding up?"

He takes a few steps towards me, hands still deep in his pockets. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

I give him a small smile. "How long have I been out?"

"Something like six hours." I nod. "We were pretty worried."

"I'll be fine."

He resumed Emily's seat. "They're not so sure about that." We sit in a tense silence for a few moments. "Did you know that over 30 million people suffer from eating disorders? Just in the US."

I shift uncomfortably in the hard bed. "I…no. I didn't know that."

"Do you know how often someone dies from specifically anorexia?" I don't answer. "One every 62 minutes. Practically every hour. Everyday 24 people die. That's 24 families that are ripped apart, every day. We hunt serial killers, but even the most prolific ones can't do that level of damage." Tears have begun to spill from my eyes. I do nothing to stop them. "Every day… we fight to keep people from dying needless deaths. But you… you-" He is cut off as sobs overcome his frame.

I stretch out my hands and entangle my fingers with his.

"Reid. Spence."

"Why, JJ?! Why are you doing this?" The raw pain in his voice tears through me.

"Spence don't…"

"Why don't you care enough about us to stop? I mean, for the life of me, I can't figure out why you hate yourself. Ever since we started working together, I've admired everything about you. Your courage, your bravery, your beauty, your sense of humor… Your unwavering commitment to doing what was right. You are everything that is right in this world. And we love you. This team needs you. I need you. Please Jayje. Please."

I pull on his hand until he leans forward and rests his head on my lap. His tears soak my blanket and I smooth his hair down.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry." I sob. "I'm so sorry that I hurt everyone."

"You can make this right, Jayje. You can. But you have to get help. You have to eat."

"I don't know if I can." I admit in a terrified whisper.

"I do. I know you can." He lifts his head and stares into my eyes. "I have an IQ of 187. I know a lot of things. But the one thing I am most sure of, in this entire world, is that you can beat this. You are strong, so strong. I know that you can do it but you have to fight. You have to let this go."

I take a deep shuddering breath. "Part…part of me knows. And I hate this, I hate being away from you guys, I hate being a slave to this. But I'm scared."

"I'm scared too."

The door opens and Hotch comes in. I swipe my hands down my cheeks, anxious to remove the evidence of tears from my cheeks. He clears his throat.

"JJ. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay." He stays silent. "I… My throat hurts. And my chest."

"Reid would you mind getting her some water?" Spencer nods, leaving the room.

Hotch takes a seat in the hard wooden chair.

"You could have died, Jen."

I nod. "I know. I know."

"I don't know where to go from here." he admits.

I take a deep breath. "I… I want to change. I want to come back."

"Are you willing to do everything that entails?"

"...yes."

"You'll gain weight, stop exercising incessantly, see a psychologist?"

I nod. "Yes. I mean it Hotch. This isn't how I want to die." I turn my head and stare out the window. "I just… I don't know how it reached this point."

"You had all of the risk factors. You're female, young, you have a a high stress job that places importance on bodily excellence. You're a perfectionist and hard working. You seek constant affirmation that you are doing the right thing and being the best that you can be. Unfortunately, in our jobs that isn't always received. You also have a need for control. While this is okay, and even somewhat healthy, we have no control over unsubs' behaviors. So you fought to gain control over any part of your life you could. And it eventually spiraled out of control. It also doesn't help that the amount of time we spend on the job makes us isolated. No family, not a lot of friends outside of coworkers… And we failed you." I bring my eyes back to look at him. "We saw that something was wrong and we stood idly by. And for that, I am so sorry, Jen."

I shake my head. "This isn't you're fault. I did this."

"But we should have stopped you." A nurse came in to check my vitals and we lapsed into silence again.

"I… I threw out the folder of contacts you gave me."

"I figured as much." He pulls another from his briefcase and lays it on the bedside table.

"Thank you. And I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused." Hotch stands and rests a hand on my shoulder.

"You don't have to apologize, JJ. Just get better."