And I'm back... Thanks to all my readers, reviewers and the rest :)

To the guest (Sanika the Awesome): I'm sorry you didn't like the pairing...many don't, I know. But hang on yet, I have a surprise for you ;)

Enjoy!

Chapter 8 – Tick-tock

As the days passed, Sirius and Lily's lifestyle became a more or less monotonous routine. They would spend most of their time going through Sirius' memories, and the remaining time they would spend in chatting casually and making small talk. They had been through the memories of even sixth year, and Sirius was getting worried. His collection memories would come to an end in a day or two, and Lily still hadn't recovered from her amnesia. The good thing was that she had at least the basic recollections of the years, but still, it wasn't nearly as good as properly getting back all her memories.

"It's like watching the life of another person," she said one day, after they had emerged out of the Pensieve after watching a rather uneventful day of their sixth year. "I know that it's me, but it doesn't feel like it, you know."

Sirius knew, and that was what bothered him. The holidays were about to come to an end, and he didn't know what would happen if Lily didn't recover her memories by the time school resumed.

"How would you feel," he couldn't stop himself from asking Lily one day, "If your memories never returned?"

She looked pensive. "I don't really know. I know the essential events of my life now, thanks to that Pensieve and your help, but I have no idea what it would feel to see and talk to people about whose lives and habits I am supposed to know, but yet I don't. I do hope that my memories will return by the time school starts."

Sirius hoped so too. He kept having a constant feeling of nagging guilt as Lily's amnesia did not waver, and the feeling kept deepening with every passing day of failed efforts. He felt that he was failing Lily, he was failing James.

But it would still have been bearable if it were only the guilt that he was suffering from, because Sirius Black could deal with guilt just fine; it was an emotion he was used to. The guilt of goading Snape to the Whomping Willow, the guilt of pushing his brother away (although the fault was hardly his) — guilt had been a constant, unwanted companion in his life. Yes, Sirius knew guilt well, and he could cope with it. But the problem was that that was not all.

He was having thoughts which he'd rather not. His emotions were taking paths on which he had been keeping a strict ban; his mind was a complete mess. He had expected things to get easier as Lily got better acquainted with her past, but of late, even as he looked at her while she helped him with stuffs of all sorts that she was capable of, he found his mind and heart moving along treacherous routes. The redhead suddenly seemed beautiful in a way he had never seen her before, and if he ever accidentally let his mind lax enough, his imagination took flight, painting all kinds of scenes involving his best friend's girlfriend which would never have entered his brain even a few weeks before, and never ever should. He tried to tell himself that everything would be fine once Lily got her memories back; she would go back to loving James, they would go back to being good friends and nothing more; that was what he wanted, right?

But sometimes, when he passed the framed picture of the Marauders in his bedroom, he found himself looking at his bespectacled best friend, and wondering with something similar to bitter resentment, what would have happened if someone called James Potter had never existed in this world. Of course, he would immediately scold himself at that, and pretend that such thoughts had never crossed his mind.

Sweet Merlin, he kept thinking in spite of himself, let's just get over with this as soon as possible. He barely cared what his emotional condition would be after this was over any longer, he couldn't bear this anymore. The constant whirlwind of emotions was just too much for him.

Some unexpected development did happen on one drowsy afternoon two days before the end of their holidays.

The memory that Sirius and Lily had delved into was a day of their early seventh year, in November, just before Lily and James began officially dating. It was Lily and James' first kiss, which Sirius had accidentally witnessed.

The two of them now watched the head students sitting by the lake, staring at its deep waters.

"There is something I have been trying to ask you for a while," Lily said to James with a hint of timidity, breaking the silence that had settled in.

"And what would that be?" James raised his eyebrows.

"I — do you, hate me?"

James stared at her, suddenly dumbfounded.

"Of course not. Why on earth should I hate you?" he asked, astounded.

"You should, really. I have behaved so terribly to you all these years..." Lily looked at the ground guiltily.

James sighed. "I have only loved you all these years, Lily. No matter what you did, I love you."

She was looking at him with those wide green eyes.

"James..."

And then she was kissing him. Her arms, so carefully placed away from him, were now wrapped around him, and after a moment's hesitation, James began to kiss her back.

Sirius and Lily watched the two kiss, Sirius remembering the manic grin that James had been wearing when he had come to announce the fact that he and Lily were together with ease. He was just chuckling, remembering the look that his best friend had given him when he told that he had witnessed their loving exchange, when he was distracted by a gasp from Lily. The redhead was kneeling on the ground, clutching her temple, her face contorted in pain.

"Lily! What's wrong?"

Thankfully, the memory had come to an end anyway, so he held her in his arms as they rose out of the Pensieve. As soon as he had steadied himself, he bent over to check on Lily. She was still clutching her head, but seemed to be quickly regaining her composure.

"What happened?" he asked her anxiously, laying her down on the couch.

"That... That memory," she murmured. "It triggered something... My head hurt like hell... But, I had begun to remember...quite a few things around seventh year. Head patrols, talking to you lot, something about me talking to Remus about the full moon I think —" Sirius shuffled nervously, "— but then it all stopped. But I swear it came back, some of it. I — I remembered."

Sirius nodded, unable to formulate any suitable response.

"You rest a bit," he said after a while. "We can watch the remaining memories when you feel up to it."

She nodded gratefully, and so Sirius left her alone after handing her a jug full of water in case she needed it. He himself went to the little balcony adjoining his room. He didn't usually spend a lot of time here, seeing as it hardly gave any pretty view, but today, he allowed himself to lean against the metal railing, letting the breeze run through his hair and his mind to lose itself in thought.

Lily was going to get back her memories soon. He knew it. He just had to get the right memory, and then it would be done. He was completely sure of her recovery now. Positive. But then, why wasn't he feeling the joy that he had expected to? Why was there no relief in his heart, only a queer gnawing feeling that seemed to be eating him whole? He had wanted Lily to go back as she had been, hadn't he? That was how things were supposed to be and that was what he wanted... Surely? He remained standing there for a long time, unaware of the clock ticking by. He felt more conflicted than ever.

What is wrong with me?

He turned at the sound of soft footsteps behind him. Lily was standing there, a distinct air of nervousness about her.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked, stepping forward to face her.

"Yes, thanks. Actually —" she hesitated ever so slightly, "I wanted a favour."

He let his eyes ask his questions.

"It is evident to me that my memories are going to return. After that... I will be dating James, and you will be just me friend. I know," she cut him off when he opened his mouth, "I know that you are going to say that that is what we are now as well. But once the holidays end, there will be no looking back on this. So I want something from you, Sirius.

"I want you to kiss me. Not like you would your best friend's girlfriend (although you wouldn't kiss her at all, perhaps, under normal circumstances), but the way you would kiss some other girl at school."

His eyes widened in shock, and he began to protest. But she cut him off.

"Please. I am asking this as a favour. Please, Sirius, just once. I can't stop myself any longer. I... I just need this."

There were a thousand reasons why he ought to turn her down, starting with the fact that she was his best mate's girl, there was no denying it, and ending with the fear that this would lead to nothing but hurt for both of them. But there was a small part of his mind which was urging him on, a part which was the kingdom of desires and instincts.

This is your chance, it said. Just grab it. You know you want this.

And yet he couldn't be sure; he knew he oughtn't do this, that he should outright say no to her, and let his mind to rest with the thought that his best friend was there to fulfil all her desires; but then, there was no one else who could fulfil his desires, other than seemingly this one girl, and so he remained hung between his brain and his heart, between what was right and what he, although he wanted to convince himself otherwise, craved.

Finally, he conceded, the tiny monster inside him roaring in triumph.

"Fine," he sighed, "but this must be the last chapter, Lily. Nothing more can happen between us after this."

"I know," Lily said. "I understand."

She had asked him to think of her as some other girl at school, but he didn't need to do that. In fact, he didn't think that imagining her as a random girl would make his heart do as many flips or his blood to pump so thick and fast in his veins as was happening now.

Merlin, what the hell is happening?

He stared at her deep green eyes, trying to stem the chaos that was going on inside him, and opened his arms to her.

This is the last time. No more. Never again.

And yet there was that unexpected, inexplicable pang that struck his heart as he thought that.

Lily held his gaze, her face carefully neutral, and slowly began to walk to him. It seemed that she was deliberately trying to slow down the moment so as to not let it go. Well, it seemed that it was fine with him too.

Finally, she threw her arms round his neck; he desperately ignored the goosebumps riding up the spot. She stood up on her tiptoes; he automatically began gravitating towards her. Her eyes fluttered shut; he was entranced in the fine detailing of her delicate features — the perfect straightness of her nose, the rosiness of her cheeks, her long lashes. She pressed her lips to his, and oh, it was pure heaven; there was no other way to describe it. Everything about her was so perfect, so amazing. They kissed slowly, each drinking in the other without haste, savouring each sensation. This kiss was low on passion, just soft, and sweet, but Sirius liked it that way. Once it had started, he didn't want it to stop, and he prolonged it by breaking the kiss to press a shower of barely there kisses on her sweet lips, lightly tracing her face with the tips of his fingers as she caressed his hair. Why, oh why, did it have to be Lily Evans who was making him feel so lightheaded? Why couldn't it be some other girl, someone who wasn't out of bounds, someone he could kiss without having a hint of regret or worries? Why on earth did it have to be his best mate's girlfriend?

When they finally pulled away, he could see disappointment in Lily's eyes, something which he too felt. It had not been enough; it could never be enough, not in this life. But he carefully masked his feelings, giving her a half-hearted smile. It wouldn't do to have such thoughts, because he was Sirius Black and she, Lily Evans. She too did the same.

"Thanks," she said. "That was beautiful."

"It was," he agreed.

Pity it can't go on this way. The thought flitted through his mind without permission, making him squirm a little with guilt.

"I'll just go stir up some dinner," she said. "Come in when you feel like it."

And so she left him standing in the dying glow of the sun, pondering to himself.

What had just happened was clearly so wrong, so why did it feel so completely right?

What do you think will happen next? Which memory should cause Lily to recover? Like the story? Any changes you want? Just leave a review :)