Hello, readers! I'm back! Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, favouriting and following this story so far. And we have reached the finally chapter. This is way longer than the rest... And once again, I remind you that Lily's amnesia here is not really similar to the clinical, real one.
And also, a special thanks again to paula990 for reviewing every chapter of the story. Hopefully it was up to your satisfaction.
Enjoy!
Chapter 9 — Remember and Forget
Two days. Sirius couldn't stop tapping his foot nervously on the floor as he sat on the couch in the drawing room. Two days until the end of Christmas break, the date circled in red on the calendar to which his eyes kept glancing back. Two days were all that he had left.
Two days and three memories. That was all that remained of the tools that he had to cure Lily's amnesia. If these failed him, well, then that would be the end. He would be a goner.
The atmosphere in the room as he sat didn't reflect his agitation, though. The Sunday morning was crisp, bright and golden. A lazy quiet lay across the place, and the occasional honking and rumbling of the cabs did not disturb it by penetrating into the apartment. Sirius and Lily sat in companionable silence in the living room, the latter still blinking the little remaining sleep out of her eyes, each stealing occasional glances at the other.
"How about an early morning session?" Sirius asked his companion, pointing at the Pensieve which rested on the table, as they sipped their steaming cups of coffee. He figured that since what was about to happen would happen anyway, there was no use of meaninglessly drawing out the suspense.
"Sure, why not?" Lily grinned, and downed all the coffee in one go.
"Hot!" she gasped, making Sirius chuckle. It was unbelievable how close they had got in these few days. All the previous six years had fallen short of it by a large extent.
He brought out one of the three remaining memories from the bedroom. They seemed to mock him as he picked one up, as if saying, 'And if it doesn't work? What then?' He couldn't help wonder for the umpteenth time why he hadn't witnessed more loving interactions between James and Lily (he wouldn't have before the holidays, but what can be said, things just weren't the same anymore). Forcing himself to keep calm and composed, he walked back to Lily and poured the contents of the little phial into the basin.
"Let's go," he said, taking her arm as they prepared themselves for the sheer drop which had become so familiar to them in the last few days. It suddenly struck him how used he had grown to the feeling of her small soft hand in his, and how nice and comfortable and warm it felt. And not for the first time during those holidays, he felt that terrible jealousy for his best friend. What will happen when Lily gets her memories back? he wondered with some bitterness, but then stopped himself. It was more important to think what would happen if she did not get her memories back. He needed to focus on that.
Clutching Lily's hand tightly in his, Sirius let himself fall headlong into the memory, pulling Lily down along with him.
When his feet hit solid ground, Sirius found himself staring at an all too familiar wizarding village, the chilly breeze of November blowing around, rattling the dry leaves of the trees.
"So, where are we?" Lily asked. "Or I should say — when? I know this is Hogsmeade."
"Seventh year, November," Sirius replied, happy at the fact that she could recognise the places well by now. "That is, a month ago." He looked around, trying to gauge with more accuracy what was supposed to happen now. After watching so many memories, he had lost track of which was which.
"I think this is James and your first Hogsmeade date. We happened to hang out around you under James' invisibility cloak, so —"
A piercing scream cut through the cold air. It went on an on, like a cry of a hunted animal, quivering and echoing in their ears.
Sirius froze. Lily's hand was suddenly vice-like around his arm.
"Is this — is this supposed to happen?"
Sirius mutely shook his head, thinking hard. What could possibly be happening?
"Shit," he cursed as understanding dawned on him. It was November and it was Hogsmeade and it was Lily and James' date. But not the first. They were, by some mistake, in a memory set two weeks after — the second date, during which there had been a Death Eater attack.
"Lily, we have to go," he said urgently. "I made a mistake — this is a Death Eater attack." He didn't want her to see this, the dreadful scenes of death and destruction which were about to come. He tugged at her arm.
"No." Lily's voice was suddenly steely. "I want to watch this. I need to watch this. As a reminder that there's a war out there. We are not leaving, Sirius."
Helpless, Sirius shrugged, and together, they walked deeper into the village.
The sights that greeted them caused bile to rise in his throat. He had never wanted to see this again, and certainly not to get a lot more than what he had seen when he was here (for he knew his memory self was at the moment exiting the Three Broomsticks). There were people everywhere — Death Eaters in black cloaks and the local people, and even some students. There were bodies in the air and on the ground, writhing in pain. There were even a couple of bodies lying around. Blood ran on the ground in rivulets; screams rent the air. Some people had already put up resistance to the best of their abilities, and were engaged in fierce duels.
"Where are we?" Lily queried, her voice a pitch higher than usual, her face pale and clammy. Even though Sirius knew they were no more than ghosts in here, he wanted to help, to do something, anything.
Their memory selves had entered the scene. Sirius watched as Lily and James, and Remus, Peter and he ran in and joined the fray.
"You'll get hurt!" Lily yelped as spells grazed dangerously close to them. "Get away!"
"Gryffindors, Lily," Sirius explained. "We can't stand back when our friends are in danger. Besides, we are all alive and well now, right? It's okay."
Now that he was a mere spectator to it all, Sirius could observe the sheer bravery with which the fighters duelled. He could admire Remus' skill and calm logic, Lily's fiery resistance, James' earnest spell-casting and even Peter, who had quelled his fear long enough to fight. His months younger self wasn't doing too badly either.
Suddenly, a mad cackle sounded above all the noise. Sirius turned towards his right to see a witch, beautiful and terrible, laughing maniacally as she shot down people left and right and made them quake in pain.
Lily gasped beside him. "Is that —"
"Bellatrix," Sirius confirmed, a sick feeling growing in his gut. Things were about to get ugly.
Lily, the one in the memory, had gone dangerously close to Bellatrix. Even as they watched, she shot a spell at the older witch, causing her to let go of the elderly person she was torturing.
"And who's this?" Bellatrix's lips lifted in a cruel smile. "Little Lily Evans, the itty bitty head girl? You're stupid to try me, pretty little mudblood."
She shot a curse at Lily, who quickly cast a shield charm to counter it. But the next curse that came hot on its heels had the shield shattering, and as it hit her hand, Lily dropped her wand.
"And now? Where's all that bravery?" Bellatrix taunted, before throwing another curse at her. Sirius watched, feeling sick, as the girl fumbled for her wand on the ground.
"No!" Out of nowhere, James launched into the way, taking the hit. He crumpled to the ground, unconscious.
"James!" Both the Lilies screamed. And as Sirius and Lily watched, another stray spell vaulted towards the younger Lily, unnoticed by her.
"Oh God," Lily moaned beside Sirius. But then, the younger Sirius was there, pushing her out of the way. For a second, they lay on the ground, one on top of the other, as the battle raged on. Sirius winced as a ribbon of blood ran down his leg; the spell had hit him on the leg.
"Oh, Sirius... Your leg..." Lily eyed it worriedly.
"It'll be fine, don't worry," Sirius assured her with a smile.
"We have to help James," Lily murmured, and as Sirius nodded, together, they rose, Sirius limping.
Sirius was watching focused on the battle, when Lily doubled up in pain beside him. After a second of panic, he gathered his bearings. Leaving the memory halfway through, Sirius pulled himself up, holding Lily.
This time, however, he did not panic, at least not much. His previous experience said that this meant that Lily was getting her memory back — some of it, if not entirely. Carefully balancing their combined weight as he landed back on his living room floor, Sirius held his breath, waiting for Lily to come to her senses. But unlike last time, Lily did not regain her countenance immediately after going up. Instead, her body sagged in Sirius' arms. She had fainted.
Now the panic settled upon Sirius. Was this what was supposed to happen? What was happening to Lily? Was she going to be alright? If things took a turn for the worse now...
"Lily? Lily, wake up!" He shook her gently after laying her on the couch, feeling a dreadful sense of déjà vu in his actions as he remembered finding her after the attack. Seconds passed with frightening slowness as Lily's face remained blank and impassive, unresponsive to his repeated calls. His hands trembling with nervousness, Sirius moved her hair back from her face. Merlin, Lily, wake up!
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, her lips quivered a little. Then her eyelids fluttered, and at last, she slowly opened her eyes.
For two very long seconds, her green eyes remained fixed on his Sirius' face, no sign of recognition on her expression. Then, slowly, her lips parted.
"S-Sirius?" she whispered uncertainly. Before he could stop himself, Sirius had gripped her hand in his.
"I'm here," he assured her. "It's okay, Lils."
"Where am I?" Lily's eyes remained confused as ever.
"My — my flat of course," Sirius replied, slivers of doubt creeping into his thoughts. Was is simply disorientation that made Lily's surroundings seem alien to her, or was it something worse? "Don't you recognise it?"
"Let me —" Supporting herself on his hand, Lily sat up in her seat and looked around. Oddly enough, no sign of familiarity flashed in her eyes.
"What happened, Sirius?" Lily asked finally. "The last thing I remember is being at Diagon Alley — and then this woman — Bellatrix, wasn't it? — came around, and we fought — and I don't remember anything."
Sirius stared at her. "So you remember?"
His question appeared to confuse her even more. "Remember what?"
"What prank did we arrange this Halloween?"
"Transfiguring the Halloween pumpkins to sing, wasn't it? But why—?"
"How old are you?"
"Seventeen, of course. Celebrated my birthday last January. But what —"
"Who's your boyfriend?"
Lily huffed, irritated. " James, alright? James Potter!" Whatever's wrong with you, Sirius? Don't tell me forgot all that!"
For a moment, Sirius sat very still, letting the implication of this observation roll over him. And then he held her in a tight hug.
"You're okay, Lily!" he breathed into her hair. "Your memories are back!"
But Lily's contact exuded none of the warmth it had throughout this week. If anything, her body stiffening a little around him screamed out a sense of alienation. She patted him on the back awkwardly, and then gently pried off his fingers from her. Sirius pulled back, bewildered and a little hurt. What happened to the girl who had held him so close because he had told her that he'd do her homework? To the girl whose eyes had shone as they danced? To the girl who... had come to him asking for one last kiss?
"Um, Sirius, thank you so much and whatever... but what happened?"
Sirius blinked. "What do you mean?"
"I remember being attacked by Bellatrix — and after that, what happened?"
Now Sirius was beginning to feel really confused. Wasn't her memory returning supposed to mean that everything was connected in her head? A niggling worry manifested itself on his mind, and so he asked away:
"Lily, what's the date?"
Merlin, he was really beginning to hate this question.
Lily was looking at him like he has lost his marbles.
"It's the twenty first of December, isn't it? Our Christmas holidays just began."
Sirius felt his mouth go dry.
"No, Lily," he said slowly. "It's two weeks from that. We get back to school in two days."
Lily's eyes widened in shock and fear. "W-what? But how is this —"
"You don't remember — anything?" Sirius felt as if the ground was slipping from beneath his feet.
"No — I —" Lily's eyes were frantic now. "What happened through these weeks, Sirius? What am I missing?"
For a second, Sirius simply stared at her, wondering if his own emotions were even more muddled than Lily's. Then with a huge effort, he put on a facade of calm and gathered his thoughts.
"Nothing much," he said. It was, after all, mostly the truth. "Your encounter with — Bellatrix, you said? — left you with no memories of your life from your first year onwards. So together, we got things to fall into place again."
"Oh." Lily sagged in visible relief.
"But Lily —" Sirius had that hollow feeling in his chest which refused to go away, "Don't you remember — anything at all?"
Lily thought carefully. "There are these fuzzy images..." she said at last. "Christmas decorations... dancing... old memories... a kiss..." she paused uncertainly, as if doubting her sanity. "But they don't make any sense."
"I —" Sirius stood grasping for words. All these two weeks... everything had occurred between them... was gone from Lily's mind? At that moment, he himself couldn't name the array of emotions crashing over him.
"It doesn't matter," he finally heard himself say, feeling a shell of fake calm envelope him. "There's nothing important to remember. You are alright, and that's all it matters."
Lily nodded, before coming up to him and hugging him tenderly. "Thanks, Sirius," she said with a smile. "Even if I don't remember it, everything you must have done for me... all the troubles you went through... thank you so much for that. I couldn't have asked for a nicer best friend."
Sirius nodded mechanically. "I suppose you'd want to go home now? Your stuff is in the bedroom."
Together, they made their way to the bedroom, Sirius studiously avoiding looking at Lily. He had thought it was impossible to be any more unstrung than he already was, but fate seemed to be adamant at proving him wrong. Lily had got back her memories. She was back to perfectly normal. She didn't even remember the interactions with him over the holidays, so he didn't have to worry about how things would be when she met James. His job was finally done. Then why wasn't he feeling the relief that should be washing through him? Why did he feel empty, hollow, as if the result had somehow ripped something that was as important as his life force from him? His own house felt alien to him as he walked to his bedroom. He felt as if he was walking as a shell, mechanically, while inside, he was falling apart.
Together, Lily and he walked into the bedroom. It was then that he had a most familiar voice calling from the shelf.
"Padfoot!" James Potter's voice called from the two way mirror. "Padfoot!"
The fact that has best friend was finally reaching out to him should have been a source of joy to him, but if anything, Sirius felt more than slightly irked.
He weaved his way to the shelf and plucked down the mirror, which had been a chief helper in their pranks and a mode of communication during the long holidays when Sirius used to be holed up in his house. It was what had kept him sane in his family's company; it was what had strengthened their bonds of friendship beyond the imaginable. But now, staring at the glass, Sirius could feel all the work of the past six years breaking apart. Both James and he himself felt like criminals to him at the same time.
"James," he said, and the bespectacled face of his best friend materialised in the glass instead of his own face.
"Sirius!" James' face split in a manic grin as he saw his friend.
"Prongs," Sirius acknowledged, managing to pull up a smile, "About time you finally showed up."
"Sorry." James mussed up his hair apologetically. "I had been dying to talk to you all this time, knowing how bored you might get with no company. But I never got the time! Whenever I try to get to the mirror, Mum drags me away, to dress up or help with the decorations and what not. Gosh, that was a hell of a wedding. By Merlin's smelliest socks, when I marry, we're going to have none of this nonsense. Just do the vows, kiss the bride, then go to a pub for a drink, alright?"
Sirius couldn't help laugh a little at his friend's earnest ranting. "Okay, Prongs," he chuckled. "You're forgiven."
All the while, Lily had been looking on at the exchange with wide eyes. Now she pushed over to Sirius' side. "You can talk to James through a mirror?"
"Is that Lily there?" James' eyes lit up, and then narrowed playfully. "What have you been doing with my girlfriend, Black?"
"I got bored. You weren't there to entertain me, so I stole you girlfriend instead," Sirius shrugged nonchalantly, careful not to show how deep the truth of that statement ran.
Lily peeked into the mirror from the side. "Hey, James!"
"Lily!" James suddenly looked flushed and breathless. "How've you been?"
"Just fine," Lily smiled with a blush equalling her boyfriend. "Missed you."
"I missed you more," James grinned. Sirius was about to quip something about getting them a room when he suddenly said, "Hey, said what, why don't you drop by at the Leaky Cauldron? We only just came home, so I'm free for the day while Mum checks upon the house. We could spend the afternoon together."
Lily nodded eagerly. Sirius, knowing that he didn't have much choice in the matter, said, "Alright, we'll be there in half an hour."
James closed the view, beaming.
Lily began to rummage in her trunk for a dress, her entire being exuding eagerness and excitement. Sirius forced himself not to think about it, or to look at her at all.
-o0o-
The Leaky Cauldron was as crowded as ever when Lily and Sirius entered the pub. Sirius had held Lily's hand as their made their way through the main street, and Lily hadn't protested, the memory of her attack still fresh on her mind. But as soon as they entered the Leaky Cauldron, Lily let it go.
James was sitting at one of the tables near a corner. He waved them over. As soon as Lily was within reach, he grabbed her and pulled her into a hug, and then pecked her on the cheek.
"Hey," he murmured into her ear.
"Hey," Lily whispered back, blushing. The very image of two people very much in love.
"Sirius!" James, beaming, rushed over to him and gave him a one-armed hug. "How have things been?"
"Just as they are," Sirius forced a grin. "Fit and fine." His insides were tightening uncomfortably. The three of them sat down, Lily beside James and Sirius on the other side of the table.
"Sirius just helped me get back my memories," Lily looked between the two friends, smiling.
"What? How? What happened?" James' eyes were as wide as saucers.
Lily told him all about the events that happened, as much as she remembered, that is.
"Why didn't you tell me?" James looked at Sirius accusingly at the end of the story.
"I didn't think that the knowledge that your new girlfriend has no memory of you would suit you very well during the wedding," Sirius told him honestly. "I was responsible for it all, so I took it on myself to solve the problem."
James' frown melted into a grateful smile. "Thanks, Padfoot," he said. "You are a life-saver." Then he looked at Lily. "I am so glad you are okay." And the two melted into a deep, passionate kiss, right before Sirius' eyes.
Oh, get a room, you two — that was the thing Sirius was supposed to say, and make a gagging noise. But the sight of Lily gripping James' hair, of her lips caressing his, made a white hot streak of jealousy swamp him. Without warning, his hands clenched into fists, twitching to reach James' face. He could feel himself trembling slightly as all the negativity that he was feeling towards James and all the possessiveness that he was feeling for Lily crashed into him. He couldn't take it any more; he stood up abruptly.
The couple broke apart at his sudden movement. They looked at him curiously.
"You okay, Padfoot?" James asked, his voice laced with concern. "You look — odd."
Sirius focused on deep breathing, trying to calm himself. In, out, in, out. Focus. Calm down.
"Yeah," he said finally. "I just — remembered, I have to return the Pensive to Dumbledore. It's a device to hot through memories," he explained at James' puzzled look. "Tell you about it later." Enjoy yourselves, he wanted to say, but the words stuck in his throat, so he simply nodded, and practically ran out of the pub.
-o0o-
Returning the Pensieve to Dumbledore had been an excuse, but it was a genuine one, and Sirius soon found himself knocking at the door in the tower which housed the headmaster's office as he had done a couple of weeks ago. At the professor's permission floating in through the door, he pushed it open and walked in.
"Mr Black." Dumbledore smiled at him, and then eyeing the Pensieve, added, "Since you still have two days to return to school, I assume from your visit that your efforts have borne fruit."
Sirius nodded, depositing the basin on the desk. "Yes, Professor. Lily got her memories back earlier this morning. Thank you very much... it would not have been possible without your help."
"I am glad to be of assistance," the old headmaster smiled benignly, even as his eyes scanned Sirius over. "But Sirius, you do not seem very happy about the developments."
Sirius looked up, startled. "I—" he paused. "Lily... she remembers her past now, but she has no memory of the last two weeks. Not that it matters, of course," he added hastily, hoping that his expression hadn't given things away. "These days... haven't been very important."
Dumbledore didn't say anything, only gravely inspected him from over his half-moon spectacles. Sirius stood in his place uncomfortably for a few seconds.
"If I am no longer needed, sir," he said at last, "May I leave?"
Dumbledore nodded. "Of course, Mr Black. We will be seeing each other again in two days."
Nodding in farewell, Sirius made his way towards the door.
"Oh, and Sirius?" Dumbledore called as Sirius opened the door. "Sometimes things go the way we don't want them to, but they often are for the greater good."
Sirius looked around to see Dumbledore looking at him with a sad smile. He left wondering how much the old man had fathomed.
-o0o-
Back at his apartment, Sirius flopped down on the couch listlessly. The place seemed so empty without Lily's presence which he had grown used to over these weeks. He vaguely wondered what Lily and James were doing now. Which proved to be a mistake.
All the sadness, the anger and the heartbreak crashed over him with a choking intensity. It seemed so unfair now — after everything they had shared, Lily remembered none of it. And James... everything Sirius had ever done for him seemed a mistake now. He wished he had not accepted Lily out of bounds when, years ago, James had marked her as his (because, after all, who was he to have any right to claim her?), that he had never assisted him in his efforts to win over her. At the moment, he even resented his friendship with James Potter.
He lost track of time as he sat drowning in his negativity. Finally, he regained control over himself. What had happened to him? These weeks, they had completely changed his feelings towards his best friend. With his feelings, he'd be nothing but a barrier between Lily and James. It would serve him no good, but it would ruin their relationship, and his friendship. This could not be allowed.
His hands trembled as he made his decision. But there was no other choice; this was the only way. He conjured some paper and got his quill, and jotted down a rough sketch of what happened during the holidays. But he did not write about all the incidents with Lily that had led to to why he had bitterness in his heart for his best friend. When he was done, the account looked like nothing but interactions between two friends. He had invited her, she got hurt and lost her memories, and together, they got them back.
Then he took up his wand again, and slowly brought it to his temple, recalling all those happenings with Lily. Why was it so easy? He could see them before his eyes, as fresh as if they had happened mere hours ago...
He is dancing in the drawing room with her, her long, delicate fingers on his shoulders and occasionally brushing against his chest. Her smile is so warm, and her laughter delightful as he twirls her around... She sits by his side, telling him in a burst of painful honesty how she is even ready to leave her memories behind if he accepts her love, and his heart aches as he rejects her, knowing that he has no other choice...
Her face is so close to her, her deep green eyes shining with desire, drawing him in, and her lips are so soft, her fingers deft and confident as he pushes her down to unbutton his shirt and he wants to tell her how none of all the girls at Hogwarts had elicited these feelings in him, but he is simply past thinking... Her eyes are sad as she begs for another kiss from him, one last kiss, and he can feel his heart breaking because even as he peppers her lips with kisses, he doesn't want any of them to be her last, he wants this to go on and on and on forever...
As the wand dug into his skin, Sirius felt the realisation slip through the hoards of memories, and a lone tear made its way down his cheek.
He loved Lily Evans. He was in love with her. With all his heart and soul.
But he knew his destiny wasn't with her. He would never be with her, could never be with her, not without betraying his closest friend, which he would never do. No, he would be a brother and best friend to them both, the best man on their wedding and a godfather to their child, happy at their happiness, the loyal friend. And so these memories couldn't stay. Lily had forgotten what had happened between them, he would too.
"Obliviate."
-The End -
And so it ends. I had never intended to deviate from canon, hence the ending. I hope you liked it. It has been a great ride with you guys. Thank you, all! Bye bye :)