Real life is good about dragging things out and making it more than difficult to get these chapters up.
000
He'd given her the opportunity to run away from all of this. He'd uncuffed her wrist from his own and left her there in the changing room with the chance to take off for the nearest exit and leave the vulpine behind forever. He'd counted on that happening. He hadn't bothered shopping for anything else...his words earlier had merely been an excuse to finally get away from her and end it all.
What she'd said to him had done something to the vulpine that he was sure he'd never be able to get over. Something that had changed the way he thought about all of this, despite what he'd been telling himself for the past few days. This wasn't what was best for her. He wasn't protecting her. She was just his prisoner, and she wanted nothing to do with him.
I hate you...that's all my life is now.
Loaded words.
Words that he'd never forget so long as he lived and breathed. Words that left him thinking the same thing over and over again the entire time he made that single round through the store.
What's the point in all of this? If she hates me so much...why? Why am I bothering? What difference will any of this make?
Despite the promise he'd made to himself, he'd given in for a few moments there. That was why he'd uncuffed her, that was why he'd turned his back to the vixen and allowed her the opportunity to escape from him, just like she'd so desperately wanted to do ever since this had started. It made him realize that if he truly loved her as much as he thought he did...then he'd let her hate him. It was, after all, what she wanted.
I can't believe I thought I could fix this.
He'd talked that into his mind rather well during the few minutes he'd walked around the store, a dull sick look in his eyes as he neared the changing rooms again. Part of him was wondering why he even bothered pushing the cart around anymore, knowing she'd be gone when he got back...and then knowing that he'd have no use for any of this stuff anymore. Without her in his life...knowing he'd lost her yet again...food wasn't needed. Air wasn't needed. Nothing was needed for the vulpine other than the one thing that could soothe his pain.
Death.
And it had been death's icy grip that had clutched the vulpine's body as he neared the place he'd left the vixen, his eyes staring at the ground beneath him as he slowly finished the round and tried to find the courage to look up...to accept the fact that when he did she wouldn't be standing there...that she'd left and would never be in his life again.
Finally, he found that courage. Finally he glanced up at the female's section of clothes, right where he'd left her, his eyes desperately searching for the blue fox that supposedly hated him so much...and as expected...seeing absolutely no trace of her.
He felt his heart drop, his stomach feeling sick as he slowly stepped through the clothing racks and towards the changing rooms, looking in every direction in hopes of seeing the vixen, but not planning on chasing her down if he did. However, once more his search came up empty...no signs of gorgeous sapphire foxes appearing anywhere around him, leaving the vulpine to continue on towards the changing rooms, his eyes resting on the door to the exact one he'd left her in, knowing she wasn't in there but promising his heart he'd check it no matter what.
Every step felt like it led him closer to the edge of the cliff that he'd be jumping off of soon...knowing he couldn't take living this life anymore without Krystal. That beautiful blue fox that had once been so nice, so friendly and gentle towards him...before he'd fucked all that up and sent her away. That was the whole reason he was doing this. Just to get that feeling back, to make it where he could live those days again...
But in his heart he knew that would never happen, and as he reached forward and placed a paw on the changing room door, he couldn't help but compare the feeling of the latch in his paw to one of a trigger beneath his finger.
I was so stupid...
"Fox."
His paw remained resting on the latch to the room, trembling fingers unable to hold back his dismay as he readied himself to face the ultimate truth...only...only for that voice to reach his ears. That voice that was crafted by angels. That voice that, even when it's tone was cold and uncaring, it made him feel complete and worth something...just knowing he was in it's presence. His gaze remained on the ground for a second longer before he slowly looked over to his right, his eyes slightly widening in surprise as he locked his gaze onto that of the vixen's, her eyes reflecting some form of emotion he'd never seen before.
Timidly he turned the rest of his body towards her, straightening his stance and allowing his gaze to fall on the clothes in her paw, before running back up to her eyes...not sure how to respond to such a beautifully unexpected sight.
She...she's still here...
As if the vixen realized that as well, she turned her head, forcing a sneer to her face as she managed to showcase that same dark feeling towards him that he'd been so used to lately. Yet...he felt almost grateful for it! Because that meant she was still with him! She hadn't left. For some reason, one that he'd never understand, she had stayed with him.
"Krystal...you-
"Don't." she murmured almost instantly. "Just...don't."
After speaking the words she stepped forward, shoving the clothes she'd picked out into his chest and bowing her head, making her way past him and towards the shopping cart he'd left in the aisle, leaving him to slowly turn and watch her go. His eyes ran over her posture, his tail immediately drooping as he realized how slumped and defeated it looked, as if she was hurting just as bad as he was for some reason. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, breathing in her scent, thankful that he was able to taste it on his tongue once again...
She thought I was watching her the whole time and didn't want to risk making a scene...wanting to see if I could trust her.
You don't know that!
He felt sick for thinking such things, but the thought did make the most sense. The way she'd been treating him lately, the words she'd said, punches she'd landed...it all screamed such pent up anger and hatred...the vulpine knew it couldn't have just up and vanished so quickly...could it? She still hated him. She'd said so only minutes ago. The only reason she hadn't tried to escape just now was because she thought he was watching her the whole time.
She still doesn't trust me...
...and I still don't trust her.
He looked up, staring at the vixen who stood off by the cart, her head bowed and one arm holding the other...a look in her eyes that he wished he'd never have to see again, but figuring he could stand before a mirror and basically get the same thing. Letting out a sigh he stepped back over to her, placing her clothes in the cart and standing there in silence for a moment before finally figuring they'd be best to just end this escapade and get back to GreatFox before his luck ran out.
"Anything else you-
He hadn't finished the question before she turned away from him, bowing her head further and shaking it softly, unable to even look at him now. But the act only provoked another, rather surprising one, from the vulpine as he reached out with his left hand, resting it on her shoulder and feeling the vixen's entire body stiffen in shock as he tried to make some sort of connection with her.
"No." she answered, responding to his question verbally this time and stepping away from him. "Please Fox...just...stop."
"You could have left." he blurted out, surprised at himself for being so straightforward.
Almost immediately her body stiffened again, the vixen pinning her ears down and clenching her fists in what could have been despair or anger. Slowly she turned on him, her head locked onto the floor between them before slowly rising up and meeting his gaze, an expression of pain more than evident on her face as she tried not to let her emotions get the better of her.
"You could have escaped." he went on, holding her line of sight and speaking softer. "But you didn't."
He refused to look away this time, needing to get an answer from the vixen, needing to know why she had stayed...hoping his guess was wrong, that she didn't just do it because she thought he was watching her the whole time, that it had just been a test on her part...but because she actually wanted to stay with him. That maybe he'd forced a change. That maybe...just maybe he could fix some of the problems he'd made.
"Why?" came his final word, the vixen's eyes narrowing and redefining the pain and suffering in her gaze as it remained locked onto his own.
Why didn't you leave me?
000
The answer was obvious to her, but she couldn't bring herself to speak it to the vulpine as they looked back at each other. There was still something that held her back, that told her to refrain and keep those words to herself...even if nothing good would come of it. As she held his hopeful gaze and returned it with a stern, yet failing look of her own, she knew what she needed to say to him right then and there.
She didn't leave, she didn't run away...because she was still in love with him.
But even though she knew that was the truth...even though every fiber of her being wanted her to scream those words at Fox, if only so things between them could finally be the way she'd always wanted...she spoke differently. She didn't say those things. She didn't smile up at him or fall into his arms, letting him hold her tight and wash away the problems that consumed her life, just like before. She couldn't. The memory of that day kept coming back to her; that day when he made her leave, when he tossed her out and ruined her life. That was why she didn't say those things. She couldn't allow the vulpine to realize he had his hand around her heart again...
If only because she was so afraid of being hurt again.
"I'm not stupid." she finally spoke, looking away and trying to force an uncaring expression.
"Krys-
"You were watching me the whole time."
She knew it wasn't true. He really had left her alone for a good ten minutes. He'd given her every chance in the world to turn around and head straight for the exit. Had she wanted to she could have contacted StarWolf and, within the hour, been back on GreatWolf with Panther, her life back to 'normal.' Yet she didn't.
Still...she refused to let Fox think she'd stayed on her own accord.
"I know you aren't just going to let me leave." she finished, her voice hinting regret as well as fake anger as she turned back towards him and narrowed her gaze. "and if you did..." she spoke onward softly, "where would I even go?"
At this the vulpine's expression seemed to worsen, his eyes filling with pain and his face seemingly drooping as he pinned his ears down and looked at the floor. She knew what he'd been hoping for her to say, and for a second she felt like just doing it, to just end this all one way or the other so they could move on with their lives and try to be as happy as they'd once been.
But, as she'd already determined, she wasn't going to let him back in that easily. She watched the vulpine open his mouth, almost as if he was going to say something back to her, before stopping himself and bowing his head even further, stepping back around the placing both paws on the shopping cart.
"You've got a home." he finally managed to mutter, looking blankly down at the contents of the buggy, "Always."
This time it was he vixen's turn to turn away and look down, his words almost like knives to her heart as she realized how true the statement was.
"And I don't mean-
"I know." she interrupted him, speaking up and stepping back alongside the cart as they started walking. "Just save it."
"Then why?" he asked, stopping in his tracks and causing her to do the same, turning and locking her gaze with the vulpine's. "Tell me the truth Krystal. Why didn't you run away earlier?"
As the words reached her ears so did her heartbeat quicken and her hands clench in dismay. It was almost as if fate itself wanted her to just come out and accept the vulpine's apology...to quit acting so stubborn and hateful towards him...to fix it all. Just the thought of going back to GreatFox later that day, with everything back to the way it used to be, with both of them well aware of what they meant to the other...it nearly did her in.
But so did that same damn memory! That horrible day in her life when he made her leave! It wouldn't stay away, it kept coming back, and with it was a pain unlike any other she'd ever felt before. It had hurt so bad when he'd done that to her...so terribly, terribly bad. It was almost as if Cerinia had been destroyed a second time, right before her eyes. That's what it had felt like when Fox had hurt her.
She couldn't feel that again. Ever. She refused to.
That was the only reason why she was still resisting. That was the only reason why she lied to him when she answered.
"Because Fox..." she spoke back, firm toned and locking on to his gaze, "after what you did to me...I have no where left to run away to."
It was the best answer she could have given that wouldn't have hurt him too badly. She was done with doing that. After hearing him say those things back in the changing room, after having the vulpine yell at her that way, she'd decided to accept the fact that she didn't need to be angry at Fox anymore.
Only scared of him.
Of being hurt by him...again.
"What about StarWolf?" he finally asked, trying to prove her wrong, trying to get the real reason out of her, but ultimately only making her sneer in honest disgust at him.
"You think I like it there?" she replied without hesitating, watching the expression in his eyes shift, "You think I enjoy being with a bunch of ex-cons? That I enjoy living on a ship that constantly smells like alcohol and rocket fuel? That I enjoy Panther and those stupid third person references he makes every single time he opens his mouth?"
At this, despite the seriousness of the moment, despite how emotionally distraught each of them happened to be...the vulpine did something that caught her completely off guard.
He smiled.
But that wasn't the worst part.
The worst part was that his smile...that wonderful smile that she so rarely ever saw...made her smile too.
It was brief and quick, and her face grew red and she immediately looked away to hide it...but it was there...and he'd caught hers just as well as she'd caught his.
No! Don't laugh! Don't be happy around him!
All it had taken was common ground. For her to bring up something from the past that they used to laugh with each other about...back before things went to hell. Countless times after a confrontation with StarWolf she'd find herself and the vulpine standing along the bridge or walking throughout the ship, the two of them impersonating Panther Caroso and his silly third-person dialect...sharing countless laughs and bonding that much more.
And just now, because she'd mentioned that same unbearable feature about the cat, she knew it had triggered a change between them. She knew that Fox, much like herself, was recalling those days and nights they spent together on the ship making fun of Panther...and if his mind thought anything like he own, she figured the thoughts went much further than that afterward. To all those times eating together in the lounge, watching television, training in the gym, spending time together...leaving her heart to scream those same questions at her mind once again.
Why can't I just end it all now? I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of feeling so lovesick! I want that life back again! I want things to be like they used to!
But what if he hurts you again? What if you have to suffer that pain a second time? You know you wouldn't be able to bear it.
There won't be a second time! That's why he's doing this! To fix it all!
"I suppose not." he finally answered, forcing the grin from his face and looking at her once more, an even stronger hopeful look in his eyes now.
"I hate it there." she managed to spit out, looking down and allowing her gaze to harden, but not daring to look up at the vulpine. "But I had nowhere else to go after...
"After I made the biggest mistake of my life."
He finished the sentence for her, his voice stronger than ever and immediately causing her to look up at him in slight surprise. This time his gaze showed strength and determination, as well truth and guilt, and the longer she looked into it, the longer she played those words over in her mind, the more broken her resolve became.
It had always been for her. Anything and everything he'd done, from day one on the team until the day he made her leave, and even up until now as they stood and held each others gaze...he'd done everything only with her best intentions in mind. Never his own. Were some of his decisions the wrong ones? Yes. Did he accidentally hurt her, even though she knew he'd never dream of doing it? Of course he did. But did he truly have anything to be sorry for? Did he really need to apologize for doing only what his heart was telling him, because he loved her so much?
No.
But he had anyways, and she still continued to kick him while she was down. It was then that she realized how deserving she was of that tongue lashing he'd given her back in the changing room. It hadn't been until after that, until after he'd told her how badly he'd suffered as well, that she realized how wrong she'd been. And now, for countless reasons, she couldn't help but feel like she deserved to suffer for how she'd acted.
"Krystal."
Her gaze had slowly dropped from his own, falling on his chest as the two of them stood there among the bustle of animals in the market, when he murmured her name and regained her attention. She didn't know if he was in as deep a thought as herself, or if he realized how delicate this moment was to her...but after hearing him say her name like that...well...his next words only seemed to prove that everything her heart had been saying so far was right.
"If I could go back and change things..." he spoke softly, a loving, regretful look in his eyes, "I wouldn't hesitate. You know that...right?"
Fox...
Just accept it. Please.
I...I can't...
Don't fight this anymore. Don't waste any more time.
I can't!
Yes you can! Just look at him! Look at him and say it!
"Fox...I-
"Do you two realize you're in everyone's way?"
The abrupt words seemed to smack them both in the face, each fox turning and looking over at the line of animals that had formed as they all tried to shuffle past the couple that stood right in the middle of the aisle. Quickly she looked back over at him, a desperate pain in her eyes as she met his gaze, knowing she'd almost done it, that she'd almost given up and finally allowed Fox back into her life...only to be interrupted right at the last second.
The vulpine merely forced a small smile at her, nodding and then looking back at the elephant who'd so annoyingly stopped what could have been the most important moment of their lives.
"We're sorry." he spoke kindly, pushing forward on the shopping cart and causing the vixen to step after him as they continued onward.
I almost did it. I almost let him back in...
Why is that a bad thing? Why are you so scared of it?
I just can't...I can't let him hurt me again...
You know that will never happen.
"So you're okay with this?" he spoke up as they neared the check-out area, his voice soft and unsure as he looked over at her. "With staying on GreatFox...even after...
"Whatever." she answered, unable to look at him but making her voice heard. "It's better than nothing..."
She had to add those last four words. It's better than nothing. She had to say them...she still had to make it sound like she was against all of this, even though it was exactly what she wanted. Despite how much he'd hurt her, how much she'd gone through over the past few months, all the sleepless nights and horrible dreams...despite every single thing that had come about because of Fox making her leave the team...she still loved him, and she still wanted to spend her life with him.
Him kidnapping her had to have been a sign. To her, it must have been fate, or chance, or something of the sort that was giving them an opportunity to fix things. Fox had done his part. He'd managed to go through all of this to get them back together, and now the choice was hers to be made.
She could say no, and he'd let her leave. He knew she would. She'd be back on GreatWolf before night was here and Fox would probably head back to GreatFox, and they'd more than likely never speak a word to each other again as long as they lived...which probably wouldn't be too huge an amount of time. Or...she could yes, just as she'd done...thus giving them a little more time. More time to try and fix this. More time to heal those wounds and get back that same closeness they'd once shared so long ago.
Timidly she looked up at him to see his reaction, the vulpine's line of sight having been resting on her bowed head, but now meeting her gaze. Slowly and somewhat sadly he nodded, but in his eyes she could see the relief, the thankfulness and joy, and she knew she'd said the one thing that both of them had been wanting to hear more than anything else.
At this she had to look away, blushing as she realized what she'd done, and feeling just as ashamed for doing so. That things were this bad between them...it left a sick feeling in her stomach...a feeling she was afraid she'd endure for the rest of her life if this didn't work. Right now she could hardly talk to him, or even glance in his direction for that matter...and if things were that bad...was it even possible to repair all the damage? Or was this just a waste of their time?
"Thanks." he spoke softly, jerking her back into reality and causing her to stiffen and look around for something to occupy her.
"For what?" she muttered back, only a faint lack of interest able to sneak into her tone as she began placing things on the check-out counter.
She continued to reach into the cart, grabbing rolls of paper towels and napkins, of toothpaste and soap, and anything or everything else they would have needed to live together again. All the while she didn't dare look up at him though. She had to find something to keep her attention away from him, to focus her thoughts somewhere else...knowing if she didn't she'd give in right then and there.
"For giving me another chance." came the reply, the vixen freezing as she reached down into the cart for something else, only to see the vulpine's paw wrap around it instead. "For everything."
Slowly she looked up, meeting his gaze as he bent over and began helping her.
He knows. He knows I want it too.
Then what are you waiting for?
"Everyone fucks up." she managed to say faintly, looking away from him.
"Not you though." he muttered, slowly reaching back down and gripping the towel she was still holding, the vixen only then realizing it was the last thing in the cart, and allowing the vulpine to bring her hand up next to his. She looked up at him and caught the small friendly smile he gave her, meaning every word he'd just said, and only making her feel that much worse about herself for hurting him so much.
"Fox...
"Let's get this stuff back to the ship." he spoke, still smiling at her and speaking with a slightly humorous tone. "I know you're probably tired of walking around all day with me."
Afterward he turned towards the cashier, engaging the beaver in small talk but glancing back at her once and smiling at her...something that she just couldn't believe was happening now. Just earlier that day she'd been at his throat. She'd wanted nothing to do with him, at least from an outward viewpoint, but now all that had changed! Now it was obvious to them both that they were willing to start over, to try and fix it all and become what they had once been. No longer could she give him the cold shoulder, or speak to him in that hateful tone. Not now. Not after today.
All this time, all those reasons I came up with for wanting to stay away from Fox, to never let him back into my life again...they were wrong. They were all so wrong.
It was because you were afraid of getting hurt, you were afraid of hurting him, because you hate your life with Panther...and because you loved your life with Fox...
Those...those are the right reasons.
000