A/N: My original plan had been to wait until tomorrow to post the next chapter, but I bowed to my woman's smile and excited begging, so here it is. She is the birthday girl after all. LOL.

Jasper

ooooOoooo

I was still laughing my ass of two minutes after Peter had cut the phone call. The silly fucker. The first thing that I've ever known him to show even a sliver of fear about, and it's the one woman that's a sure thing. You'd think after waiting for so damn long to find his mate that he'd have gone in there, balls to the wall, and claimed her. Human or not.

"Shit, I wish I could've seen his face," I laugh to myself, staring at the ceiling and picturing it in my mind, "Fuckin' hilarious."

"Honestly, Jasper, one little phone call with that brute and you are speaking like a hick all over again. Do you really have to let him drag you down to his level?"

Ahh, the sweet tones of my wife. My supposed one and only. Ball and chain doesn't cover the tiny but huge pain in my ass. I've been stuck on grateful for the past sixty years, grateful for her showing me a new way of life, of dragging me out of the quagmire of depression. But, really? Is that a reason to stick around? Everything Alice does is to change me, to mould me into some caricature of her perfect husband. Wasn't so much of an issue before, not like I've ever been one to care about what I was wearing, and being around someone with such intense happiness every time I said yes was really fucking addictive.

That and the sex.

To start off with the sex had been awesome. A partner that can predict your every want and desire? How awesome is that? I'll tell you how awesome it is…it's fucking boring. No surprises, her always leading, feeling like there's no chance of choice or changing things up. Can't even surprise her in the shower. Not fun.

Also, she might have perpetual hair issues up top…she sure doesn't down below. Just saying. Rose once advised her to let me 'mow' it for her. She went so high pitched even we couldn't hear what she was screeching about. In Alice's case, it's not so much if the collar match the cuffs, as delving through the Amazon jungle. Aliceon Jungle.

Peter once told me to sneak a machete into bed with us.

"Why, Miss Cullen, may I say that you're lookin' mighty fine this afternoon. I say, mighty fine." I purposely exaggerated my accent, the one she'd tried to drive out of me, finally nearing the end of my tether when it comes to her moods.

She'd been so sweet at first. Sweet and light, like sunshine. Now I wonder if it was simply the contrast to what I'd been used to, and that she'd always been so shallow. I'm just a doll for her to play with. We don't have sex anymore, we have Alice masturbating with my dick. Not that I've been inclined to go bush whacking recently.

She huffed and rolled her eyes, making to leave. I leant back again, fighting he smug smirk that wanted to colour my features, and stared back at the ceiling. Bush whacking. I'd have to tell Peter about that one. I was looking forward to the coming quiet until she stopped and dropped the bombshell.

"Oh, I almost forgot to tell you," She trilled and I slowly lifted my head back up to look at her. She was up to something; far too pleased with herself for my liking, "Edward's going to be bringing home Bella to meet us!"

I frowned, I really didn't fucking like that. Edward had a habit of collecting exes, all human and all left behind for some overdramatic reason or another, and most of which I'd had to be the one to clean up after. Loose ends are never good, and Edward had a habit of turning perfectly normal girl's into complete bunny boilers. But this one was different, not because I actually thought Edward loved the girl, but because she intrigued me. She was innocent, but full of fiery passion, compassionate without being overly naïve. She felt everything with her whole self, and behind that shy exterior she blazed like a flame to my special vision. She didn't deserve the destiny Edward had dragged her into.

I'd futilely hoped that Edward wouldn't bother this time around.

"You mean his latest Beard?" I corrected Alice, standing with the intention of going hunting. I had shit to think about, definitely no decisions to make, and what with Alice refusing to fucking leave…

"Jasper!" her little affronted drowned kitten growl made me laugh as I brushed past her, I heard her stomp after me in her tiny but ridiculously high heels, but was surprised with the forcefulness of my growl when she grabbed my arm. Not that it deterred her, "I wasn't finished!"

She even stomped her foot.

What the fuck have I done with my life?!

I slowly raised my eyebrows in reaction to her childish tactics, "I have," I stated clearly, and wondered if I was referring to more than just this conversation, "The sooner that boy admits his own sexual needs, and stops leaving behind a trail of used girl's, the fuckin' better."

"But….Jasper," she quailed, her bottom lip beginning to quiver, her eyes reaching anime proportions. Here we fucking go. "She's going to be my best friend!"

Every. Fucking. Time.

"They always are, Alice, but you still leave them behind. You still beg me to take care of them for pwecious wittle Edward."

"Really, Jasper, I thought you'd understand better than this," she huffed, moving from trembling upset to snooty ambivalence, "This is it. The one. He's finally found her!"

Holy fuck, she's really fucking delusional. Maybe Peter's right about the animal diet, maybe it does affect our sanity. Though, saying that, Alice did wake up in an Asylum…probably should be taken into account.

"Alice," I held her by her shoulders, trying to get what I was about to say through to her, "Edward is gay. His mate is not going to be a female. No matter how much he denies the truth."

"Oh, pish posh!" she shrugs my hands off and skips by me, "You can be so old fashioned sometimes, it really is quite shocking how much of a bigot you can be. Just because a man likes to follow the latest fashions, has impeccable hair, and has a secret ABBA collection, does not make him gay."

Does this woman know me at all?!

"I'm no bigot, Alice, I couldn't give less of a shit if Edward's gay, straight, Asexual, or in love with his fuckin' piano. I'm all about equal opportunities," we'd never really spoken much about my past, Alice insisted that she didn't need to know more than the glimpses she'd had in visions, but she knew that my sexual history isn't just confined to females, "And besides-"

"Jasper!" another stomp of her foot, "Why on earth would you say these things?! You're always calling Edward gay-"

"Because he is," Emmett shouted from downstairs, earing himself a chuckle from me, and a scowl from Alice before she continued.

"You're so discriminating…well….well, I'm surprised that you haven't tried to insist that we have black people as slaves!"

The fuck did she just say?

"The fuck did you just say?" I asked quietly, while no so quietly starting to simmer with rage, "How dare you say those things to me?"

"Jasper, I'm sorry, I…" she trailed off at the look on my face. It was the first good thing she'd done in a long while.

"First of all, my family never kept slaves, I went to war because I believed in the cause…not slavery. Secondly, I suggest you stay the fuck outta my way before I forget how my momma raised me."

"Jasper?" Carlisle's calm voice and presence appeared behind me.

I stood back a little from Alice at the sound of his voice, gladly soaking up the calming vibes without letting them overly affect me. He wasn't there necessarily to stop me, he was full of concern for me, and pissed at Alice. It bolstered my confidence as I stood there staring my wife down.

"Daddy, you have to tell him to stop! He's said the most hurtful things," Alice whimpered, adding a sob in at the end for good measure.

I rolled my eyes, rubbing my face in sheer frustration at her antics. How had I put up with this shit for so many years? She was good, I had to give her that, if I wasn't able to feel her emotions I may have fallen for it. But she's faker than the Prada purse I jokingly bought Alice one year at a Turkish bizarre. Come to think of it, she'd never actually figured that one out.

"Considering the things you've just put him through, Mary Alice Cullen, I think you got off lightly," Carlisle admonished, delivering a perfected coven leader version of the disappointed parent, "And as for Edward," he growled, oooh, he was not a happy Carlisle, "I told him the last time that if he pursued one of these ridiculous dalliances again that there would be consequences. Something that you are well aware of."

"But…but, Daddy, she's the one for him. I just told Jasper that and that's what set him-"

"Alice," Carlisle barked, interrupting him, and it took everything in me not to laugh as Alice's excited and pleading expression melted into disbelief, "I am not deaf, nor am I stupid. Perhaps you can concentrate on packing for yourself and Edward. You'll both be taking an extended trip away from the family."

"You can't possibly…" she trailed off again, her eyes glazing over even as her shoulders slumped, "For how long?" she asked instead.

"Until such time as I am sure you have both learnt your lesson. You will also-"

"No! NO, NO, NO, DADDY, NO!" Alice's panic and tremendous heartbreak was staggering, literally, I ended up taking a couple of steps back from the crazy elf.

What on earth is Carlisle punishing her with?

"Be cut off from any and all of the family money," he continued as if his pseudo daughter wasn't having a breakdown in front of him, and all I could think of was 'ahhh, gotcha'. May have thrown a mental fist punch to the air in there too. "I believe the winter cabin will suffice for you, I will inform Edward of his destination as soon as he arrives back to the house."

Carlisle laid a commiserating hand on my shoulder as he walked past, support and understanding pouring from him, I watched him until he disappeared into his office. Alice was kneeling on the floor now, muttering to herself, and rocking back and forth. All that was missing was the straight jacket and padded walls. I walked away, needing to leave the house, I wanted some fresh air…and maybe it will bring about a fresh perspective.

E/N: So there was Jasper. Chapter's will be alternating between his and Peter's POV as the story progresses, for now at least. Leave me some love!