Hello everyone,

Finally exams done! Yay!

So it's a longer chapter for you today.

Thank you for the reviews.

Disclaimer: I may now own knowledge of too much stuff I am never going to use again, but that still doesn't make me the owner of DGM.

The week passes without greater events. He does his best to keep his distance from me and I don't press. My morning sickness wears off slowly, thank god. The only thing is that I notice is one time Kanda leaving at about eleven o'clock in the night. I wonder about going out that late, but am too tired to follow him. When I question him the next day, he scoffs at me that I must have dreamed it. Sunday approaches too fast for my liking. I am nervous as hell to meet Linali. She was always one of the most caring persons I ever met and I am sure I hurt her quite a lot by leaving. I only hope she will understand.

Then it is Sunday 12:15. Kanda left an hour ago to pick her up at the airport and they can arrive any minute. I am wearing clothes Kanda bought during the week. A simple white dress-shirt (slightly big to hide the small weight gain at my stomach) and black trousers. Nothing special, but I am comfortable in it (and very thankful to him for buying them). Suddenly I hear the click of keys in the front door and it opens with a creak. I swallow and place a hand on my abdomen to calm me. Then I take a deep breath and step into the hallway from where I can hear both Kanda's voice and a woman's.

For a moment they don't notice me and I can simply look at the girl who I didn't see for years. She has grown as well and I would say she isn't much smaller than I am now. Still wearing a short blue skirt and high black boots. Adding to that a white shirt with a blazer over it. Her hair is much shorter than I remember. It only reaches her chin, back then it was as long as Kanda's is now. But it still has the greenish tint. She is talking to Kanda, her back to me, but I can hear from her voice that she is happy to see him. Even his voice sounds less tense than normal, but reluctant either way.

She laughs, "So why did I have to come here so fast, Kanda? That's not like you."

He has noticed me standing there so he simply motions the girl to turn around, "Che. Look behind you."

She giggles, "Never thought you could be so…"

But her words get stuck in her throat when she spins around and sees me. Her eyes widen and she freezes. My hands grip hard in the hem of my shirt and I resist the urge to flee. Suddenly her eyes fill with tears and she shoots a glance at Kanda, who gives the hint of a nod. Linali turns back to me.

"A-Allen?" her voice is wavering.

I look up and meet teary violet orbs. I nod, unable to speak, and try an unsure smile. She sniffles and runs the steps towards me, throwing herself around my neck. I loose balance from the sudden assault and am thankful for the door behind me, which keeps me from landing on the floor.

"Allen! Oh god! You're still alive! And you're here! We were so worried! We missed you so much! We all! Allen!"

Linali is sobbing in my shoulder, making me slightly uncomfortable and feel like an asshole for leaving. From the corner of my eyes I can see Kanda slipping into his own room. I decide to get him later and only pull the girl in my arms into a tight embrace, comforting her and mumbling apologies.

It takes several minutes until her tears stop mostly. She stands up straight, looking at me intensely. I lower my eyes sheepishly to avoid that gaze. But not for long because soon something hits my cheek, hard, causing my head to snap to the side. Stunned I look up, to find Linali's hand raised and a half teary, half angry expression on her face.

"You jerk! Why did you leave? You have no idea how much you had everyone worried!"

I lower my head again, "No apparently I have not. I'm really sorry. I apologize."

"God, Allen. We all thought something happened to you. You're such an idiot," her pained look hurts me as well and I begin to understand what Kanda meant in the first night I was here.

"I know, I'm sorry. I will explain, but can we please sit down?" I ask, because these days, standing up for too long isn't so good for me anymore, damned dizzy spells, "And maybe…" I add with a glance to Kanda's bedroom door.

The girl huffs, still an angry look on, "Sure, go to the living room, I get the stubborn idiot. He could have warned me that you were here, but no. For once he's playing mysterious. Seriously, that guy," she is muttering to herself while she stomps over to the closed door, then she pounds on it, "Kanda! Come out! You can't ditch the explaining!"

The door is thrown open, revealing a disgruntled Kanda, "Why the fuck do you need me? The beansprout is the one to explain."

"But you can fill gaps he can't. And I'm sure you didn't tell him everything that happened in the time he was gone either," she grumbles and grabs his sleeve, dragging him to the other room, taking me as well, when she passes.

After we are all seated around the coffee table in the living room I tell my story again, about how I fled from the Noahs, but letting out the whole pregnant-thing. Luckily the girl accepts my reasons and even though she's still mad at me for disappearing, the happiness that I am back is stronger.

"So you're staying with Kanda at the moment?" she asks, "How did you get him to allow that? Finally tell him you loved him?"

I splutter and blush furiously, "No way in hell. I'm not in love with BaKanda!"

Yes, yes, if I would be completely honest with myself I may have developed a little crush on him when we were still in Japan, but I'm not sure if I like this new version of Kanda… okay, I don't like it. He himself only 'che's and throws Linali an are-you-stupid-look. She tilts her head.

"But then why? Kanda doesn't let anybody stay with him if there is not a really good reason. Not even Lavi or me for a night or two. So you just being found and living on the street is not enough I would say, and he wouldn't be so persistent to find us as well."

I fidget and rub one hand over my abdomen, but it's under the table so Linali doesn't catch the gesture. Kanda only scoffs again, but then answers for me.

"The moyashi's with child," he says nonchalantly, shocking the girl.

"You're what?" she asks me, stunned.

I lower my gaze and nod, the blunt way Kanda said it doesn't make it any easier. She looks frozen for a moment then shoots a look at the raven, who only stares back irritably and shakes his head. I wonder which silent conversation is going on between the two. Somehow I feel left out, the distance between me and the persons I once was so close getting even bigger. But what do I expect? I disappeared for three years.

"Well, that explains it. You can't stay out there like that," she murmurs and then looks at me again, "That means you're a mamorunin?"

I nod, not surprised that she knows about that. Kanda said she was a journalist after all. A sad look settles in her eyes while she exchanges another glance with the man.

"From the way you two behave, it's not Kanda's child. But still you're staying with him, so I assume the child was forced upon you," she says with a sad tone.

Again I nod silently. That was a nice way to say I was raped, but yes. Kanda has fixed me with an unreadable look. Back then I could read his eyes at all times, but today I can't understand him at all anymore. That really frightens me.

"How far?" Is the girl's next question.

"Good three months"

"I assume you're keeping it. What are you planning to do after the birth?"

"I'm gonna give it up to adoption."

I look down, my fists tightening and I start shaking slightly. Linali squirts over to me and hugs me. Then she glares at Kanda.

"Go make some tea. You're a terrible host."

"But – "

He tries to object, but against Linali resistance is mostly useless, so after a bit of grumbling he gets up and walks over to the kitchen and out of our hearing range. I decide to use this opportunity to ask the girl about his changes. I can't wait to find something out about that.

"Linali, can I ask something?" I start in a careful voice.

"Uhm, sure," she answers, apparently unsure about the subject I am aiming at.

"What happened to Kanda?"

She sighs and looks down, "So you noticed as well…"

"Sure, he is not at all like he was back then anymore. I really can't figure out what changed him that much. And to be honest I don't like the way he is now. I tried asking him, but of course he wouldn't answer," I explain hurriedly.

A very sad smile has stretched over her face, the eyes hold a dark shadow and her hands are clenched in her lap, "He would kill me if I simply told you everything that happened. And to be honest I don't really want to. He had… a really hard time in these three years."

"What do you mean? I know that, but can you maybe be a bit more specific," I plead, her reluctance to talk about it only getting me a very uneasy feeling.

She throws a look to the kitchen door, "Well, you know about Alma?"

"He… He's dead…" I answer reluctantly.

The girl nods sadly, "Yes, it hit Kanda very hard. And he blames himself for it."

"I know that. He thinks it was only because Alma was coming to his Kendo party, so it's his fault for doing sword fighting. But that's not true!"

"Of course it isn't," she replies with a sad smile, "But you know Kanda, from back then I mean. How caring he could be on the inside if he wanted to. And how stubborn. So once this idea about him being partly at fault for Alma's death settled in his head he always kept to it. So he stopped doing Kendo. Back then Alma was in hospital for some days, Kanda never left his side. He nearly collapsed because he didn't eat or sleep. He tried so hard to hold onto him. Maybe it was because you already left a year earlier, but I'm not sure. Oh, and I think there is one detail you don't know yet about the situation at that time."

"And what would that be?" I ask, anxious to find out as much about these happenings as I can.

"Kanda and Alma weren't just friends at that time," she says and for some reason I don't like where this is going. The girl throws another look to the door behind which the older disappeared then leans close to me and says in a silent voice, "They were a couple…"

I can't help a tightening in my chest. Well there goes my crush… But it also means that it was even worse for Kanda when he lost the brunette. I feel actually sorry for the jerk.

"I didn't know…"

She shrugs sadly, "Yeah. You could see the signs in Alma, that he liked Kanda for more than a friend. But Kanda himself… I was never sure how he truly felt. Maybe it was also kind of a way of coping with your disappearance. It hit all of us hard."

"I know, I'm sorry," I repeat, "But Kanda as well? When I asked him he said he would only tell me after I understood…"

"Then I won't tell you either," she says.

I pout but continue asking, "But that can't be all, can it? I mean it's like he's completely changed…"

Her face darkens, "Not really. You know about Daisya too?"

"Yes"

"Then there is not much more I can tell you. It is not all, that is true. But everything else is only Kanda's to tell and not mine."

"But why? What –" I start nearly frantic.

But I am cut off by the door behind me sliding harshly open. When I turn, I see Kanda stepping through it, a deep frown on his face and a tray with tea and three mugs on it. He puts a mug in front of each of us, fills them and lets himself fall down opposite me with a disgruntled expression, arms crossed.

"So what the hell do you want to talk about?" he growls.

"We just wanted to catch up. I haven't seen Allen for three years! And you for about half a year as well," the girls pouts.

"Not exactly my fault if you go running off somewhere only god knows…" he grumbles.

"You know why I did that."

"Sure, but apparently you should have searched in London instead."

"Excuse me," I break in, "But what exactly are you talking about?"

They exchange a look then Kanda answers in a gruff voice, "The reason Linali became a journalist."

I cock my head curiously, but getting a bad feeling because of the tone he uses.

"It was to find clues where you are!"

My eyes widen, but the girl intervenes, "Not only. I like the job, that was the main reason."

"Che" Kanda scoffs and stands up harshly, leaving the room.

Linali lays a hand on my arm, my fists are clenched in my lap.

"I am sorry for his behaviour. Like I already said, the last years were very hard on him. And actually he took your disappearance worse than we all would have thought. Don't be harsh with him."

"Why would he be affected by me leaving?" I ask incredulously.

Now she smiles, "I think he cared for you more than he let on. You know how caring he could be if he wanted to. He always closed his feelings inside himself and never let anybody know. And it's even worse now. He closes everyone out. I don't even know when I saw him smile the last time."

At the end her face is sad and she leans her head into my shoulder. I wrap an arm around her shoulder. I notice Kanda is not the only one who was affected by the last years. Linali is a very nice and empathetic person, so it hit her hard as well.

"Sometimes I wish it was like back then again," I hear her whisper into my shoulder, "Back then in school. You and Kanda fighting non-stop over petty things, but being best friends underneath. Alma laughing and pulling Kanda away from Lavi who wouldn't stop annoying him. We all five together with no death, rape or sickness."

We stay seated like that for some time until she yawns and rubs her neck sheepishly.

"I am sorry, but I think I should rest for now. I just changed time zones and the shock with you didn't help it."

She stands up and when I follow she helps me up.

"Where are you going?" I ask, not wanting to lose her just now.

"I have a room at a hotel not far from here. Kanda's guest room is apparently already occupied."

"Oh," I look down sadly.

She smiles and ruffles my hair, "Don't worry. I will come back tomorrow. How about ten in the morning? Then we can go to a café and talk or something. You don't have any work do you?"

"No," I shake my head, "That sounds great. Should I…?"

I gesture to Kanda's bedroom door, but she shakes her head, "No, I will take a taxi. Leave him be."

"But –" I try to argue but she interrupts me.

"No, it's really okay. I have enough money. And he needs his calm sometimes. I guess it is not easy for him that you suddenly appeared in his life, especially like that. Give him time and space and he will eventually come around."

I nod and follow her to the door. I even wave after her until she disappears out of my view. With a sigh I then turn and close the door. Unconsciously I let myself slide down against the wood, burying my face in my hands.

Apart from the fact that Alma was Kanda's boyfriend and not simply friend at the time of his death I haven't found out much more about the raven than before. But I got the notion that whatever else happened was something really bad, something dark no one wants to talk about.

Talking about Kanda, I have to apologize to him about how I acted on my first day here. So I stand up and walk over to his bedroom door. I knock and call his name but get no answer. When I try to enter I notice it's locked. I sigh and lean my forehead against the wood.

"I know you don't want to see me, Kanda, but please at least listen to me okay?"

I give him a moment, but still don't get a response so I continue, "I want to apologize. I am sorry that I acted so ignorant the first day. I think now after seeing how Linali reacted I understand better how much I hurt you all. Yes, you included. I am sorry, I never thought someone would care that much about me."

I make a short break and a soft smile makes it on my face, "Will you give me your answer now, Kanda? You promised, remember?"

But he keeps silent so I continue, "It's okay, from what Linali said you cared as well and that is enough for me to know. So I wanted to… say thank you. For caring. For all you have done for me, back then and especially now. I understand it's not easy for you, so thank you."

By now I am sitting with the back to his door. I get silent for some time. Then I take a deep breath.

"Kanda? You did so much for me, can you let me do something for you? Please? I know you don't like accepting help but can you make an exception once? I want to help you, so can you please tell me what is wrong with you? And don't say 'nothing' because we both know it's not true. What Linali said made it only clearer to me. So please?"

I wait a long while but I don't even hear a sound from the inside. Finally I sigh and stand up.

"I understand that you don't want to talk about it. But please promise me to tell me one day. Before it overtakes you. I don't want to see that happen, okay?"

Still I get no other reaction than some shifting and a grumble from behind the door. After a last sad look to the door I head back to the kitchen.

That's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Phew, long chapter, but we're still not any closer to understanding Kanda.

Next chapter on Wednesday, see you then and please review.