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The following week goes by happily. I spend as much time with Linali as possible and soon we find back into a comfortable atmosphere. Kanda however shuts himself off more during the week. He goes to work early and returns late. I also notice him sneaking out in the middle of the night for whatever reason. I tried asking him but he denied doing it. Linali seems concerned about him but won't tell me why and I get the feeling that I am missing out gravely on something here.
On the last night Linali is spending in London (Saturday night) she stays with us and Kanda (reluctantly) cooks a nice dinner for us all. And to be honest it tastes great. I never knew he could cook. Afterwards we sit together for a bit, even Kanda (Linali had to force him though). But due to my condition I get tired relatively soon and excuse myself, leaving the two alone.
But I have a hard time falling asleep and after one and a half hour I decide to go to the toilet, so I leave my bed and peek out into the hallway. I can see light from under the living room door and assume Kanda and Linali are still talking there. When I pass it though I notice it's slightly open and can't help but take a peek, in hopes to find something out about the situation.
Kanda is sitting on one of the sofas, Linali opposite to him, wearing a stern expression. I can't see Kanda's face because he has his back to me but I guess he's scowling as usual. His whole posture is tense. I just want to continue walking when I suddenly hear my name.
"So you don't plan on telling Allen, do you?" Linali asks.
"What do you think?" Kanda snorts.
What are they talking about? Not telling me what? I decide to listen.
"Yeah, you didn't even tell us back then…" she says, somehow sad.
It only earns her another snort, but she continues unfazed, "But I thought maybe you would be more open to him. You understood each other pretty well back then and none of you had easy three years."
"It's in the past!" Kanda growls.
"Is it, Kanda?" her eyes lift and she fixes him with a hard gaze, "Is it really, completely in the past?"
"Yes, for god's sake!" he nearly yells.
"And you neither have nor will start again?"
"Fucking yes! Don't you all comprehend? I haven't, I won't and whatever else, for fuck's sake!"
His voice hurts my ears. What the hell are they talking about that makes Kanda this angry? I know he has a terrible temper but I can't remember seeing him this seriously furious ever.
Meanwhile the girl moves over to sit next to him and lays a hand on his shoulder, "I am sorry. I know it's hard for you too. But I'm only worried you know."
He grumbles something under his breath and refuses to meet her eyes.
"Show me your shoulder," she says softly.
His head whips up, "I told you, I haven't – "
But she interrupts him harshly, "I know, but just do it."
I hear him grumble but we both know that there is no refusing her when she uses this tone. So he very reluctantly opens the buttons of his shirt and shoves it slightly from his left shoulder. A very sad smile comes to her face and she reaches one hand out for the skin, softly pushing the fabric away and brushing her fingers over the left side of his chest.
"No, there is nothing new. You stopped like you promised. And it's healing…" she murmurs, sadness and something like fright lacing her voice.
"It will never heal," I hear Kanda mutter silently.
"Maybe it will one day. Not completely perhaps but mostly…"
Somehow I feel like this is a conversation I really shouldn't listen in on but I can't help it. I want to find out what is wrong with Kanda! Linali has pulled her hand back and the man is closing his shirt. She sighs sadly and leans into his chest.
"You know I was really afraid when they told me you called," she whispers and he sends her a mildly curious look while slowly and reluctantly moving his arms around the girl clinging to him.
"You hadn't even tried to contact any of us for ages," she continues, "And then suddenly you called with urgent news. I was so afraid. The last time this happened was that day…"
That day? What day? From the sound of her voice something really bad happened that day? Maybe when Alma died? Isn't that too long ago and weren't they all still in Japan at that time?
He only keeps silent but embraces the girl who is slightly shaking by now. Also I guess that I really heard enough now and silently move on towards the bathroom.
When back in bed I ponder over what I heard. Nothing really made sense to me, regarding they never mentioned anything specific and I missed three years of what happened. But I understand that there was something really bad, sometime during these years. Maybe it was Alma's death, but it seems fresher than that. I groan and burry my face in my pillow. To be honest I am getting afraid of what I will find out if I ever learn the truth. And with that thought I fall into a fitful sleep.
The next morning I drag myself tiredly out of bed. But I have to get up, Linali is leaving today and I want to say goodbye. When I step into the shower and let the warm water run over me, I relax completely for the first time in probably years. I am safe, for now at least, and even though they are changed and not all of them are here, I have my friends back, the only people apart from Mana I ever truly trusted.
Then I take a look over my own body. The bruising I got the day Kanda found me has mostly healed by now, only some little spots left. Nonetheless my whole body is more or less littered with small scars. Sighing I run a hand over them. I doubt I will ever find a lover, looking like I do (not even counting I already had a child by then and live on the streets). But at least I am not as bone-thin as I was on the streets anymore. Since I am staying with Kanda I can eat properly and I am regaining a healthy figure. And of course, my stomach. I stare down at it, a mixture of fascination and horror at the slight rounding visible there. Because I am still pretty thin I am already starting to show. Just great…
Grumbling I step out after finishing my cleaning and wrap a towel around my hips. I didn't notice how long I spent in the shower so I nearly get a heart attack when the door is thrown open.
"Oi moyashi! You fucking drowned in the shower or what?" growls an irritated Kanda.
I whip around and blush heavily when I remember I am half-naked. He doesn't seem too fazed by it and only stares at me emotionlessly.
"K-Kanda… Wh-What a-are you d-doing?" I stutter out, feeling more flustered than I would have thought.
"Linali is worried what the hell is taking you so long. So she fucking sent me to check," he growls.
"A-Aha," I answer lamely, "Uh, you can tell her I will come in a minute."
He grumbles something then turns around and leaves the room, slamming the door. I nonetheless noticed that his eyes lingered on my stomach for a second longer. Even though I don't really know what to think of it, I can't stop myself from smiling softly. Following what I said I hurriedly dress, dry my hair and walk over to the kitchen.
Kanda has made breakfast. It sits on the table with a special tea for me. Linali is seated on a chair opposite the door and hugs me as soon as I enter, but Kanda is nowhere in the room.
"Good morning, Allen," the girl smiles at me, "Have you slept well?"
I smile back, "I am fine, don't worry. How about you? Did you sleep on the couch?"
"No, not that," she laughs, "Kanda gave me a futon, which was really nice to sleep on."
I hesitate for a moment then decide to try asking about what I heard yesterday evening without giving away that I eavesdropped, "Did something happen yesterday after I went to sleep? Kanda seems kinda tense today."
Her smile saddens, "No, nothing special. I guess he just has a bad day."
I nod silently, even though I know she is lying. So we sit down at the table and I eat as much as I can stomach while Linali sips on her cup of tea. I drown my own herbal tea and pull a face at the taste. At first I didn't want to drink it, but one glaring match with Kanda convinced me otherwise. I am nonetheless surprised he is making it for me every morning. Apparently it is a tea especially for pregnancy. I bet he needed to do some research for it, but he did it all for me. There is still some of the old Kanda left in him, I just have to drag it out.
Some minutes after I am finished with eating the man himself enters the kitchen. He frowns at us and gets a cup of tea as well. Linali stands up and lays a hand on his arm.
"You okay?" I hear her whisper.
"I fucking told you, I'm fine," he growls back, "You should get ready. We have to be at the airport in an hour."
She smiles sadly, but nods and exits the kitchen. Kanda follows her soon and so do I. She is standing in the hallway with her bag, waiting for us. The raven approaches her, grabbing a jacket and keys.
"By the way, do you have an idea how to contact the baka usagi?" he asks, nonchalantly.
She looks surprised but answers nonetheless, "No, unfortunately I don't. He is on this world journey with Bookman and the old man forbid him mobile phones."
Kanda grumbles something, then both silence for a moment before a thought seems to come to Linali's mind.
"But he promised he will be there in three months. You can tell him about Allen then," she hesitates for a moment then, "You will come, right?"
He snorts uncomfortably, "Sure, what do you think?"
With that he ends the conversation and walks out of the apartment, getting the car. That leaves me alone with Linali. She has again that sad smile on her face, I notice very often when Kanda's change comes up. I step up to her and she smiles and hugs me.
"I am so happy you are okay, Allen. We all are, I swear. I am sad that I have to go now, but the job calls me and I will come visit again, I promise. Don't you dare to disappear another time, is that clear?" she murmurs into my neck.
I smile and hug her back while she loosens herself a bit from me, "I won't, promise. For the next half a year I can't anyway."
"I know, but even after that, don't do it. I doubt we, especially Kanda, could take it," she says sadly, then a smile comes back and she lays a hand on my abdomen, "And take good care of the little one, okay?"
"I will, even if I can't see him or her grow up."
"Maybe you will find a possibility to keep your child," she smiles at me brightly, then gives me another tight hug, "Goodbye Allen. Take care."
"I will," I chuckle, "Goodbye Linali. I hope to see you soon."
"So do I," she answers.
Then she detaches herself from me and waves. She slowly leaves the apartment, looking at me as long as possible. I don't follow her because Kanda ordered me not to leave the flat without someone watching over me (and I don't have keys to get back in). I am feeling sad to let her go again, but I also know that I have no choice. So I only watch her through a window how she steps into Kanda's black car and they drive off towards the airport. Unconsciously a hand wanders to my abdomen, caressing the barely noticeable bump there, reminding me that I am never truly alone these days.
For some reason I wander into Kanda's bedroom after that, maybe trying to search comfort in the scent of the man I once loved. And while I am sitting there on the floor, leaning against his bed, one hand clutching the blanket, I contemplate if I can really say 'once'. Because even back then, no matter how much we fought or he even tried to hit me, my feelings never changed, sometimes even grew more. And the same now. Even though three years passed and he changed that much, being an ashole so often, I still feel so much for him. Just how only his voice, scent or presence can make me feel safe. How happy I am that he thinks of me like when he prepares the tea. And how nervous I got when he saw me this morning. And of course how much I wish to have him back as he was back then. How much I want to help him.
I groan and burry my head in the dark cloth, inhaling his scent. Even now I still love him. I love that jerk, great. Luckily he is way too dense to notice anything like that. I sigh and stand up, using the bed as support. I just want to leave the room when I spot white sheets on the table. Curiously I walk over and discover new drawings in pencil. Carefully I take them up and push the empty page at the top away. The first picture is a half unfinished drawing of our friend group. Lavi (who seems a bit older than I remember him) is grinning broadly, one arm around Linali's shoulders and the other around mine, both of us looking like we do right now and smiling. Another figure is standing more or less behind me. He or she is not finished, not more than a silhouette but guessing from the posture and the rest of the picture, I would say it is Alma. Softly my fingers brush over my own face and the contours of Alma's figure. Sadly I notice that again, Kanda has put himself nowhere in the picture. To me it looks as if he feels like he doesn't belong to our group.
When I look at the second picture though my eyes widen. It is a drawing of me and only me. I am sitting on the sofa next to the window, looking out of it, like I do so often these days. A blanket is laying over my legs and one of my hands supports my head. The other though is laying on my abdomen which is pretty round in the picture. Apparently I am much further in the pregnancy. I seem content in the picture and it causes me to smile as well. But why would Kanda draw something like that? I ponder over that fact for quite some time until I realise that he will come back soon and I better leave his bedroom. So I put the drawings away and hurry to my own room.
When he comes back, he seems more irritated than I have seen him in the whole time I spent with him. I get an uneasy feeling at the way he behaves but thankfully he doesn't let his anger out on me. He only ignores me for the rest of the day and leaves the flat at half past nine in the evening.
That's it for today. Thanks for reading.
Am I making it too obvious what is wrong with Kanda? I hope not, but it's not long until it finally comes out anyway.
Please review and see you next chapter at the weekend.