Hello everyone,

more answers today.

Thanks for the Reviews.

To Ryuakilover: Yes, Cross just ran off like that. As for the Noahs, they think Allen is dead so they are not searching for him anymore. And I call Kanda a boy too, even in this story.

Disclaimer: Nope, still waiting for chapters as well.

But for now I need to talk to someone. I can't stand the eerie silence of the apartment. The only one who I can call is Linali so I hurriedly search for Kanda's phone, which I find on the drawer in the hallway. I manage to unlock it after some moments of frantic trying. Hastily I search Linali's number in his address book. I put the mobile to my ear and listen to the ringtones. It takes quite some time until someone picks up and a tired voice is heard.

"Kanda? Why are you calling me at midnight?"

"Linali, is that you?" I ask in a shaking voice.

"Allen?" she asks surprised, getting worried, "Why are you calling over Kanda's phone? You sound nervous? Are you two okay?"

"We're okay," I say but even I find it not very believable, "I'm fine. But Kanda… He collapsed in the shower."

"He collapsed? What happened? Did he…?" her voice is turning panicked as well.

"I don't know. He came home injured. I guess he has a concussion and blacked out because of this."

"His injuries," she hurriedly nearly frantic asks, "Do they look like they were made with a knife or something similar?"

Surprised I look up, "No, it looks like he was beaten up."

I hear her let out a sigh of relief, "Thank god. Do you know what happened? And how is he now?"

"I don't know what happened. I took care of him, bandaged him up and he is sleeping in his bed right now."

"Okay, that's good. I'm sorry, but I can't leave here at the moment. The next time I can come is in two months. You will have to look after him alone. Do me a favour and put everything sharp away from him, including Mugen."

"Why that?" I ask irritated.

"Don't ask, please. Just do it."

"Uhm, okay. But I have another question," I say, remembering the strange pattern on Kanda's chest.

"What is it?" she answers and I can hear the tenseness in her voice.

"When I, well, treated him, I saw some strange lines on his left shoulder." At that I hear her draw in a breath. "Where does that tattoo come from? And what are these other lines?"

"So you saw it…" she says sadly, "The tattoo he made together with Alma about two months after you left, when they came together. He had the same."

Then she quiets and I decide to bore because she hasn't answered my second question, "And these other lines? They are not tattoo lines. Actually they look like scars?"

She takes a deep breath, "They are. Kanda is going to hate me for telling you but I think you have a right to know. And please don't think badly of him after what you may hear."

I look at the phone surprised and a bit frightened of what I am going to find out. But nonetheless I want to know.

"If these are scars… Where do they come from? It was not an accident, was it?"

"No, it wasn't. He made them himself," she reveals in a pained voice.

I can't believe what I am hearing!

"He made them himself?! What?! Why?" I nearly scream into the receiver.

I hear her breath hitch like she is keeping herself from crying. I can basically see her shaking with the phone in her hand, face pained and eyes full of unshed tears.

"He… He had a really hard time back then… After Alma died… And then Daisya and all that happened… He needed a way… to l-let it out… And with him n-not doing kendo anymore…" she stutters out, her voice breaking.

I breathe in deeply and swallow hard. She can't mean what I think she does? I always thought of Kanda as someone unattainable. He wouldn't! But did I ever really know how he felt? No, I didn't. No one did. But even so…

"You-You m-mean…" I ask frightened.

She takes a deep breath, "Y-Yeah. He-He started c-cut-ting," sniffles are breaking her sentence.

I realise just how hard this time must have been on all of them. First I left, then Alma died, then Daisya and then Kanda who always seemed the strongest of the whole group broke down and brought himself close to death as well.

"So these lines on his chest are actually scars and he… cut them himself in there…" I ask, my voice reduced to a breath.

"Yes," she answers silently.

"How long was he doing it? How did you find out? But he did stop, didn't he? That was what you were talking about the last evening you were here, right?"

The question are frantically pouring out of me. I just can't believe it, trying to wrap my mind around the new information. I don't want to imagine their shock when they found out. I bet they didn't know the whole time, Kanda would have never told anyone.

"He stopped yes, thank god," she answers the most important question first, "Yes, we were talking about that, even though you really shouldn't have eavesdropped on that."

She scolds me and then stops before she can get to the actual issue.

"And the other things…" I continue.

"We are not sure how long he exactly did it but as far as we know for about half a year."

"Half a year? How did you get him to stop?"

"Shock therapy, I would call it. And his iron will after something really bad happened. Maybe getting away from all of us helped."

I am getting a really bad feeling again, "Shock? Something really bad? Linali what are you not telling me? And you still didn't say how you found out."

"Lavi," she takes a deep breath, "found him…"

"Found him…?"

"Laying there…" I hear her shaking badly, "Bleeding… literally to… death…"

"To death?!" my voice is horrified, "He tried to… k-kill himself?!"

"We don't think he actually attempted suicide… He cut too close to the vein at his throat and opened it, accidently we assume. But on the other hand I don't think he tried to fight it."

Her voice is silent, breaking and I can hear the tears. I am shaking too. Alone the thought that Kanda nearly died, can make me panic. The thought that he wouldn't be here anymore to pick me up, to look after me and that the man I love is dead is frightening. Then I hear her voice again, more frightened than I have ever heard her.

"I will n-never forget that day, when Lavi c-called, v-voice frantic, that K-Kanda was in the h-hospital. That he probably a-attempted s-suicide. That he may-maybe w-wouldn't make it, b-because he lost t-too much blood," she is crying now, I can hear it.

And there are tears running down my cheeks as well. Just finding him like this today was enough I wouldn't want to imagine the situation she was explaining.

"What happened then?" I breathe frightened.

"We drove to the h-hospital. Komui and me. L-Lavi was already there, c-close to crying. K-Kanda was in s-surgery. Tiedoll was too m-much in a shock and still mourning over D-Daisya to come. When K-Kanda came out, the doctor said that he will s-survive, but that he was probably c-cutting for some t-time and if we knew something. We were shocked of course, we knew n-nothing. When we c-confronted Kanda later, he reluctantly let us in on what h-happened. Lavi and I tried our best to s-support him after that. Unfortunately Tiedoll was not really helpful and his mood made it only worse for Kanda, so about a month after he left the hospital we took him out of the house and eventually encouraged him to move away. That's actually how he ended up in London."

I can't say a word, it's like my throat is tied closed from all the things I learned in the past minutes. To think that Kanda would break down so far that he would cut until nearly killing himself is shocking and frightening for me, especially regarding I still love him. My hand is shaking and tears are running down my cheeks, my baby is moving restlessly inside me, my free hand rubbing soothing circles. I think back at the pattern I saw on Kanda's chest, it nearly looked like artwork, as morbid as that sounds now. Most people just randomly cut but he did it after a pattern, a plan. But it also shows how little we all knew him, no one would have thought of it because he always seemed so strong, but it was not as true as we thought. Suddenly I hear Linali clear her throat.

"I am sorry, that you had to find that out, especially in such a way. Like I said, please do not think badly of Kanda now, we all kind of understand why he did it. Also he really hates it when someone speaks about it. That was the reason I said to put sharp things away from him after today's injuries. Even though you said it was not from a blade if he found back to covering his emotions up with physically pain, he might start again and it is not even a year in the past. We don't need a repeat of what happened back then. None of us can take that."

I gulp loudly and take a deep breath, "No, the wounds today are surely not from cutting. I will be careful and watch him, don't worry. But I don't think I can stop myself from asking him. I am sorry to have reminded you of those painful memories."

"It is okay," she sighs, "It just hurts to think about that. It was a hard time for all of us. Look well after Kanda, he needs it. I will end the call now, it's in the middle of the night and I think I need a break of reminiscing."

"I understand. Thank you for telling me and sorry," I answer silently, still shocked.

"No problem. Goodbye Allen. And tell Kanda to call when he's better."

"I will. Goodbye Linali," and with that she ends the call and I put the phone down.

It takes me a moment, then I start shaking and a familiar nausea hits me. I put a hand over my mouth and run to the bathroom. I fall in front of the toilet and immediately throw up into it. My body heaves at the thought of Kanda in a pool of blood. I am kneeling on the cold floor and shaking for about a minute until I remember that I have a life growing inside of me and stress, which definitively includes panic attacks like this, is really bad for it. So I force myself to calm down for the I-don't-remember-how-many-th time this evening. It still takes me another five minutes until I am able to stand up.

Slowly I wander back over to Kanda's room. I have to take a deep breath before I can open the door. When I do, I shudder at the smell of blood that hits me. It reminds me too much of what Linali just told me. I walk over to the bed. Kanda is still sleeping peacefully and I sit myself next to him. Carefully I brush the cover back a bit, revealing the scars on his shoulder. Tentatively I reach out to touch them. My fingers brush over his normal skin and the harsher tissue of the lines.

"Oh god, Kanda. What have you done to yourself?" I ask softly.

I don't get a proper answer of course, he is still sleeping, but I hear him sigh, I would say nearly contentedly. And he, even only a little moves his head towards my hand and into the touch. I can't stop looking at him, the thought that he nearly died not leaving me. So when I get tired I just don't return to my room, but instead let my exhausted body lay down next to Kanda, breathing in his scent from underneath the blood.

That's it for today. Thanks for reading.

I hope the backstory is believable. I mean usually in the fics Allen's the one who is cutting.

And some questions from me: Until which book/chapter of the manga does D Gray-man Hallow reach? And that Zombie incident isn't included, is it?

Review please and perhaps if you know the answer.

Next chapter is going to be up on friday, see you then.