Hello everyone,

like promised the next chapter today already.

Because starting next week I won't have any Internet for about 2-3 weeks, you will get two more chapters until Monday.

Thank you for all your reviews and I am really happy that you like the story.

Also thanks for the answers to my question.

Disclaimer: Hah, I think it's pretty obvious by now...

Ha

I awake to an empty stomach and groaning. It takes me a moment then I realise that it comes from Kanda. My head shoots up, eyes focussing on the raven.

"Kanda?" I ask tentatively and reach out a hand to touch his cheek, "Are you awake?"

He groans again and one of his hands grips his head, slightly unsteady, "M-Moyashi?"

I grin relieved, "It's Allen. How do you feel?"

"Horrible," he grumbles, "What happened?"

I frown, "That's what I wanted to ask you. You came home in the middle of the night, beaten up and bleeding. What have you been doing?"

He closes his eyes with an annoyed noise, apparently trying to remember what happened. Suddenly something seems to come to his mind and he groans again. I hear him curse under his breath then he turns away from me. But I don't give up. There are many things he has to explain to me. So I grab his shoulder and try to turn him back.

"No, you will answer me this time. You gave me quite the scare. You are going to explain today what you have been doing all these nights. Plus," I take a deep breath, "Linali told me about these scars on your shoulder. We are going to talk about that as well."

I feel him stiffen but not move. He doesn't say anything though. But before I can start to question him, I hear a loud growl coming from my stomach. I blush slightly even though he can't see it.

"Okay, I am going to make me breakfast first. And a tea for both of us, but when I'm coming back you are going to talk whether you like it or not. And you're not going to get out of this, are we understood?"

Not hearing an affirmation but neither complaints I stand up and walk out. While I do so, I see him clutch the blanket tighter around himself and roll into a ball. I frown at his strange behaviour. While preparing the meal and eating I can't keep my thoughts away from him and what I will find out. I am kind of afraid if I would be honest, but this is not the time to be, so I push it away. After I am finished I grab a pot of tea and two cups and walk back into Kanda's room. He is still curled in the sheets but from his tense figure and the shifting when I open the door, I know he's not sleeping. So I put the tray down and sit on the bed again. Carefully I shake his shoulder.

"Kanda, sit up. I have tea here, to help with your headache."

He grumbles something incoherently, but doesn't move. I sigh.

"I'm serious. This is not a joke, you are injured and these scars on your shoulder are grave. You have to talk about it. I know you prefer to bottle it up, but that only leads to things like what caused these scars, so this time I am not letting you. I said already, you saved me from the streets and in return I am saving you from whatever dark place you are."

He grumbles again but this time at least turns to me, "I don't need saving, moyashi."

"Oh yes, you do. From what Linali told me tonight you already nearly killed yourself once. And these injuries are not from a fall down some stairs either, so you indeed need some help," I tell him nonchalantly, holding one of the mugs under his nose.

Cursing under his breath he sits up slowly, only to take the tea, but avoids looking me in the eye, "I don't need help from anyone. I can deal with it on my own."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair at his stubbornness, "Well, obviously you alone isn't enough or you would have solved it already," I give him a stern look which he ignores, "I am not suggesting therapy, because I bet the others already tried that and judging from your character I don't think it would be of any use. I would rather think that to get you back to your old life, to replace hurting yourself in whatever way, with, I don't know, more time with your friends or maybe starting Kendo again."

"My friends? Lavi is on a world journey and the girl is researching somewhere," he scoffs, still not looking at me.

I try to hide my disappointment that he didn't mention me and simply classify it as defiance or the fact that I disappeared for three years. From his behaviour I would say he still didn't forgive me that.

"For the moment I am still here and I won't leave if you want that. And after that you can keep up the contact with the two."

Only for a second his eyes meet mine and they are as expressive as they were back then, but there are too many emotions at once as that I would be able to read any of them. But I think to detect a shimmer of hope in it. That causes me to feel warmer and my heart to beat faster. Then he turns away again.

"Che. And I just can't do Kendo anymore, I –"

"Yes, I know," I interrupt him, "You don't do it anymore, because you blame yourself for Alma's death. But even when you have heard it thousands of times, it is true. That had nothing to do with it! I am sure Alma would not want that you give up something so important to you, just because of him. I also doubt that he would want you to vent your sadness in the way you do. Think about it. You loved Kendo once, it was your way of coping with things. Even I knew that. When you were upset, you would train with your sword. And now that you're not sword-fighting anymore you had to find a different way to deal with your emotions."

'Only that you found the worst way possible,' I add in my thoughts, out loud I say, "So it would be the best way to go back to Kendo because you know that and trusted in it once, so you can again."

He is silent after my small speech and only looking down into his mug.

"To be honest, moyashi," I suddenly hear him say in a sad and silent tone, "I am not sure if I have the strength anymore…"

I smile softly and use one hand to rub his back comfortingly, "I know you do. Plus I am here to support you. And Linali and Lavi will surely help as well if they can."

He still doesn't look up, but I feel some of his tense muscles relax and he very slightly leans into my touch. We sit some minutes in comfortable silence until I can't keep quite anymore.

"And now we need to talk. What happened to you last night? And why and when did you start cutting?"

His hands tighten around the mug until I hear a crack from it. I rub his back.

"Kanda, you need to talk about it. Linali only told me bits and I won't judge you, I swear. I think I… understand you. I just want to know it so I can help you. So please talk."

He keeps silent for quite some time but I decide to give it to him and wait until he says something. And he finally does even though it's mumbled and sounds uncomfortably defeated.

"What do you want to know?"

"Linali told me these scars are from cutting and you made them yourself, correct?"

"Yeah…"

"When and why did you start?"

"About a month after Daisya died. I was still grieving for Alma and was angry about your disappearance when it happened. It caused Tiedoll to become all depressed and that made everything worse. As annoying as he is, right then Marie and I would have needed him and his annoyingly optimistic attitude, but he wasn't there."

"How did Marie deal with it?" I try to get his mind off the subject at least for a moment.

"He dived into his music and relationship."

I nod, "I guess my earlier assumption that you needed an outlet for your sadness instead of sword-fighting is correct?"

I get a slow nod as well.

"Did you do it with a sword? Mugen?"

"Normally not, it's way too long. Only once or twice when it was really bad."

The blank and neutral way he is speaking about a matter like that sends chills down my spine. Like a worker discussing the advantages of different tools rather than a life-threatening problem like cutting. How bad does one have to get to gain such an uncaring attitude towards it?

"Why did you do it… like that?" I gesture to his chest.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," I scratch my head, "Not to be tactless but most people just cut straight lines on their arms or stomach. But you nearly did, for the lack of better words, an artwork." Something that just bugged me no matter how embarrassing or inappropriate it sounds.

He looks at me a bit strangely and I blush but he answers nonetheless, "I don't really know. It just happened. The… first time… I did it, I was staring at the tattoo, so maybe…"

I nod, showing him that he doesn't need to continue, instead I come to a harder subject, "L-Linali also said you a-attempted s-suicide once as well and – " But I don't get further when I hear him say something softly.

"Twice"

"What?" I ask him shocked, at what I thought to hear and his interruption.

"Twice. I nearly died twice," he growls nearly inaudible.

I swallow heavily, "Twice? You tried to kill yourself two times?!"

"No," he answers uncomfortably, "The second time was more of an accident."

"The one you ended up in hospital after Lavi found you? Why they found out?"

"Yeah"

"So it really wasn't planned at that time," I sigh and his gaze lowers to his mug.

Unconsciously my right hand reaches out for the one scar which runs so high on his neck. That must be the one from that time. He nearly jumps out of bed when my fingers touch it.

"This one, right? This nearly costed your live?" I murmur, not directly at him.

He grumbles an affirmation but doesn't try to bat my hand away even though he seems highly uncomfortable. I retreat my hand.

"And the first time?"

"About two weeks earlier. It didn't work and no one was at home. No one noticed that time."

He holds his hands out to me. Surprised I look down and spot two straight scars across each wrist. Again I reach out to touch them. And it's that blank voice from him again. It's nearly getting frightening by now.

"They… They weren't deep enough, so I just slept for a long time and was dizzy the next days," he says silently.

I just nod without a word. This is enough. I think he has talked enough about the cutting and I am not sure if I can take any more. I sure as hell don't want to hear anymore. So I let his hands go and look straight into his eyes.

"And this now?" I motion to his body, "These are no knife injuries. So that surely is no cutting. What happened and what were you doing in the middle of the night?"

He turns away again, avoiding my gaze, but I am not going to relent now! No way! We came that far, he is not going to shut down again. So I determinedly crawl in front of him, more or less sitting on his legs, straddling him. I grab his head with both hands and force him to look into my eyes.

"What were you doing each night? Answer me, Kanda."

His eyes dart away, but luckily he is still not fit enough to put up much of a fight at the moment. Very reluctantly he finally speaks.

"You have been in those dirty district of London. You know about fighting clubs?"

I frown for a moment, thinking, "There are some groups who bet on illegal fist-fights. Pretty shady and bloody. I never saw one, why?"

He avoids my gaze and I narrow my eyes, "From where do you know that? Wait… You were there," I gasp at a small nod from him, "Did you bet and loose?"

He looks at me irritably, "I did never bet. I don't like gambling and alike."

"But then…?"

"I didn't bet. I fought."

At that I nearly fall off his lap. I heard these fights are beyond brutal. How could he do that? Especially with so little injury that I did never really notice. And does his beating mean he lost this time?

"Oh god," I can't help but gasp, "That means you lost a fight last night?"

"No," he grumbles, "I never lost."

I frown. Just how good of a fighter must he be to never lose? If it's correct what he says.

"But what happened then?"

"One of the fucking betters got angry. Apparently he put a lot of money on my adversaries and lost every time. Plus I had no stupid 'manager' which you could give money so I would lose on purpose and neither would I accept it. I would fucking never lose on purpose."

Ah yes, Kanda and his pride. I always teased him that it would be his downfall one day. But I can't really find it bad in this situation. He continues, unfazed of my groan.

"So after yesterday's matches were over, that bastard and his stupid henchmen caught me when I wanted to leave. They held me down while he fucking beat me. Of course I wouldn't just let them do and instead fought, but they were too many, even for me and they bloody had brass knuckles. I managed to flee in the end. After that I can barely remember what happened."

He finishes his explanation and automatically I recount the end, "You came home injured. You made it to the shower and collapsed there. I got worried and found you like that, so I took you to your bed. I treated your bruises and after that you fell asleep while I phoned Linali in my panic."

He stills after my words and our eyes meet. I can't read him at all, but none of us moves. Then, instinctively and still in shock from all that happened and what I found out I lean forward to him. When I'm close enough I wrap my arms around him, pressing my body against his warmth, reassuring myself that he is here and alive. He stiffens when I touch him at first, but relaxes and very, very slowly puts his own arms around me. I cuddle as close to him as I can and press my face in his chest. Immediately all the fright of the previous hours comes crashing down and I start shaking again, tears breaking free from my eyes. But this time I have Kanda here and his warmth and presence calming me. As he notices my distress he reluctantly (and I guess, kind of out of instinct) rubs one hand down my back, while the other pulls me to his right chest, away from his scars. He is murmuring something but I can only halfway understand because it's Japanese. But it calms me so I am glad. And it doesn't take me long until my exhaustion takes over and I fall back asleep in Kanda's arms.

I wake up some hours later. Slowly my eyes drift open and I unconsciously sigh at Kanda's scent surrounding me. It makes me feels safe. But then my gaze wanders over the sheets in front of me and I shoot up. The bed is empty! Where is Kanda? Where is he gone?

So I jump out of bed, having to hold onto the post, because a dizzy spell hits me. I groan and grab my head. To add to it I feel a hard kick from my stomach.

"Yes, yes, I am not panicking again," I murmur to it and push myself away from the wood.

Slowly I make my way over to the door, trying to ignore a blood stained towel next to the bed which wasn't there before. I take a deep breath and step out of the room.

"Kanda?" I call tentatively, "Where are you?"

After a glance in the empty living room, my chest tightens, but I refuse to let fear take me over again. So I proceed to the kitchen. And there I finally find him. He's fine from the looks of it, leaning against the counter and staring down into a mug of tea, appearing completely absent-minded. I sigh in relief that he is fine, but blush nonetheless because he is still bare-chested. Carefully I enter, not being able to withstand the smell of the food cooking in front of him.

"Kanda," I say and lay a hand on his shoulder, "Are you okay?"

"Just fine, moyashi," he grumbles and I am glad that he is back to his old persona even if it means he is going to be a jerk again.

"Sit down," he growls, "Food's gonna be ready soon."

I do so and immediately a mug of herb tea is placed in front of me. I smile a bit but can't help but frown about him already being up.

"Shouldn't you be resting? You're injured after all."

"You're the one who is pregnant and should be resting, not fucking looking after me," he answers nonchalantly.

I pout and stare up at him, "But I'm not invalid, you on the other hand looked pretty bad last night."

"It will heal, for god's sake. I heal fast!" he growls.

I nod and quiet after that to prevent any outburst from him. Apparently he himself hasn't coped with what happened in the last night yet either, so it's better to let him his space.

That's it for today. Thanks for reading.

Phew, long chapter. But it holds the whole story of what happened to Kanda.

Kanda is kind of OOC again, but keep in mind that he is siffering from blood loss and a heavy concussion.

Hope you like it, please review.

Next chapter saturday or sunday, see you then.