Hello everyone,

back from my two and a half weeks holiday in Ireland.

Does anyone of you live in Ireland? I just wanted to say:

I love your country! ;) The landscape, the calm (outisde of the cities) and all the horses.

Anyway, back to the main subject. Here's the next chapter of 'My demons from the past and yours'. Finally solving the last cliffhanger.

Thanks for the reviews as usual.

Warnings for unqualified medical explanation (just something I made up to explain Allen's symptoms) and some OOC for Kanda (but that's gonna string through basically the whole story, sorry)

Disclaimer: Nope, the travel to Ireland didn't get me ownership of DGM either.

When I come to consciousness again the next time, my body feels incredibly heavy, but at least I am not so hot and fuzzy anymore. The pain and nausea are gone as well. Very carefully I force my eyelids open. And can't help but groan at the amount of brightness. There is all white. Wait, white? Kanda doesn't have one speck of white in his flat. This looks suspiciously like a hospital…

Suddenly my attention is diverted to a voice, coming from my left.

"Moyashi? You finally awake?" I hear Kanda's deep voice.

Slowly I turn my head in his direction. He is sitting on a chair next to my bed, looking slightly tired and frowning deeply. His hair seems to be a bit unruly, some strands escaping his usual ponytail. He is staring at me with unreadable eyes.

"Hm," I make an affirmative noise, "Kanda, why am I in a hospital? You promised you would – "

But before I can finish this sentence he shoots me an incredible look accompanied by a snort.

"You don't fucking remember what happened?"

I nearly want to scold him for cursing but his hard tone makes me think. But I don't know what he means. The last thing I remember is falling asleep on the day he trained with his sword for the second time. But when I take a look at the clock on my bedside table, with shock I notice that it is four days later. Four days! What the hell happened?! My eyes widen and I turn to Kanda.

"No, what did I miss?" I ask him urgently.

He only continues to stare at me incredibly but then shakes his head.

"Che," he scoffs but then answers, "The morning after our second time at the park, you woke up bloody feverish. I thought it was just a cold and put you back to bed and you resisted to go to a hospital. But in the afternoon you got far worse. You threw up with fucking blood in it and you said your stomach hurt. I was fucking afraid it was the baby and called an ambulance, no matter your resistance. And it was fucking good I did!"

I stare at him and suddenly all the memories come crashing down on me. The fever. Not even being able to stand. Kanda taking care of me, trying to convince me to go to a hospital. Then the vomiting. The pain. The fear that something is happening to the baby. Immediately my hand shoots to my abdomen.

And I am very relieved to feel the small bump still there. I can't help but sigh in relief. Then I turn back to Kanda.

"Even if you broke your promise, I guess I have to thank you. I was afraid I would have miscarried," I try to smile but his sombre expression stops me.

"You nearly did. You nearly fucking lost the child," he growls and I can just keep myself from inching away from his dark aura.

Nonetheless it also tears as a shock into me that I nearly lost my child. My hand is caressing the bump, not leaving in fear that it would disappear if I do. With a slightly shaking voice I ask Kanda.

"What happened to me that day?"

"I don't exactly know," he takes a deep breath, "The doctor wouldn't fucking tell me everything. I can only say how I understood it. Apparently during your stupid life on the street you came into contact with some toxic substance, got it inside you. Normally the body would just ignore it but with your pregnancy it is more bloody sensitive to possible to threats for the child. Nonetheless because the risk of extracting the substance would be too fucking high usually the body would still do nothing. But the doctor said that you must have been experiencing quite some stress in your last weeks. That triggered the body to get rid of the poison. And that's what fucking happened, in the worst way possible."

I am shocked to silence. To my defence I have never consumed drugs or alcohol, but I really don't want to know what I sometimes had to swallow during the stay with Cross or my later searching for food or from some shabby guys. So it kinda makes sense.

"But the strain was too high and the baby was nearly lost, together with the substance," I breathe frightened.

He nods silently. His hands are clenched in his lap and he looks tired and worried, an expression I would have never expected to see on him. I still have a hand laying on my bump and feel very reassured by the strong kick I get against my ribs. Suddenly Kanda speaks up again, in a small voice.

"I-I guess, I'm sorry…" he breathes in deeply, "for making you stress so much. You fucking nearly lost your child after all."

First I am seriously surprised then I smile softly, "It's fine. It's not your fault. I know you had your demons, still have actually, and you needed help dealing with them. At the moment it was more important than me not stressing."

"No, moyashi. I should have fucking looked after you and your child. Not being bloody selfish and weak to give in to my stupid weaknesses and cowardly make you deal with it."

I only sigh, still smiling though. Sometimes he jumps faster from one mood to the exact opposite than I have ever seen anyone do. By now I have developed the theory that he is not able to deal with his own emotions due to some childhood trauma which happened before we even met him. This causes him to become very unstable as an adult and the shit from the last three years only made it worse. So I only carefully reach out for his hands, uncurl one of them and pull it towards me. I lay it on my abdomen, so he can feel the baby kick. His face eases slightly at that.

"Like I said it was not your fault. You had it hard and what you did was not selfish or weak at all. You even took care of me when you were injured. The only thing I did was help you on the right path. And I don't blame you for this. Not at all, believe me. Even if I… would have lost the child, I wouldn't. So don't make the same mistake again, like what happened after Alma's death, and put the blame on you because it is not."

He looks at me, staring at my eyes. Our gazes are fixed on each other. One of his hands is still laying on my abdomen, my mismatched hands curled around his. Then he opens his mouth to say something but before he can the door opens and I hear a soft chuckle.

"Are you sure, you are not the father of the child, Mr. Kanda? Or at least the boy's lover?"

Kanda scowls and I blush. I release his hand and he pulls it back, turning to glare at the man who entered. A man around thirty with unruly light brown hair and a small beard is standing in the door, smiling softly. He is wearing a doctor's coat and looks slightly tired, but nice nonetheless.

"Yes, I am fucking sure," Kanda growls.

"What did I say about swearing in front of my patients?" the older scolds him while he comes closer to me.

I can't help but inch towards Kanda, "Who is this, Kanda? I said I don't like doctors."

"I know, moyashi. But someone needed to treat you. This is Dr. River. He is a, uh… friend of Komui. I have known him for some years now. You can trust him, I promise. And he will tell no one," he says softly, rubbing my arm to calm me.

"Yes, I never said anything about your countless injuries or broken bones from fighting either," River says, frowning at Kanda.

The raven only scowls and crosses his arms, but at least it causes me to smile. Then the doctor turns to me and I can't help but stiffen.

"Can you please let me check up on you? I need to make sure you are both okay. You were unconscious for three days and especially for the baby it was a very close call. I need to see if everything is in order."

My eyes are darting between Kanda, the doctor and my abdomen. Unconsciously I reach out for the raven next to me, but I feel it when he takes my hand. I turn to him and he nods encouragingly. So I take a deep breath and say my affirmation. River smiles thankfully.

"Thank you. I promise to be careful. Now if you could please lay down and pull up your shirt."

I can't help but blush heavily and seeing that the doctor continues, "I can also send Kanda out if you want."

"No!" I hurriedly intervene, "No, please, I want him here."

Desperately I look away from the raven after this sentence. Meanwhile River starts his inspection and I have to keep myself from flinching all the time, but Kanda stays with me through all and that calms me. Finishing he nods.

"It seems everything is fine until here. Your body has extracted every dangerous substance you had consumed without greater damage to your inner organs."

Then he rolls a strange machine to my bed and of course I tense again, "What is this?"

He though only smiles softly, "This is an ultrasound machine. I need it to check up on the baby. You will be able to see it on the screen."

At that I can't help but pipe up, "I can see my baby? Really?"

He chuckles, but throws me and Kanda a weird look, "Haven't you had an ultrasound yet? Kanda told me you are about five months along in your pregnancy."

"I am but I never have done that."

Again he throws us a curious look and wants to ask something but a shake of Kanda's head stops him and he instead pours some gel on his hand, advancing towards me. When he attempts to put it on my abdomen though I move away.

"Mr. Walker, I need to put this on your stomach so we can see the baby. This substance is harmless, I promise."

I still eye it warily until I feel Kanda squeeze my hand, "It's okay, moyashi. I have seen him do that before. Nothing bad is going to happen. Calm down."

I look into his strong dark orbs and nod.

"This is going to be a little cold," River warns me, but I nonetheless flinch.

Then he puts a strangely formed wand on the gel and rolls it across my abdomen. I feel Kanda nudge me and he points towards the small screen of the device. I don't even notice how I squeeze his hand harder with each passing second.

Then the movements finally stop. To my relief I see River smile. Then he points on the screen.

"Here it is. Do you see it? This is your child."

I fix my eyes on the baby-formed blob on the screen. And I can't help but feel my chest tighten and my eyes well up. It is really there and it is fine. No matter how bad the circumstances of his conception were, I can't help but love this little creature already. And in this moment I realise how hard it will be to give it up for adoption once it is birthed.

"K-Kanda? Can you see this?"

I don't even notice him rolling his eyes, "Sure, moyashi. It's normal, baka." Neither do I hear that his voice lacks the usual edge.

"It seems everything is fine, Mr. Walker. There was no damage done. It is a bit small perhaps. Have you been eating enough?" the doctor says softly.

I breathe out but at the same time lower my gaze, knowing that in the first three months, when I still lived on the streets, I couldn't get as much food as I should have. I feel my hand be squeezed back. Unconsciously my gaze wanders to Kanda, but he is looking the other direction. River is smiling softly.

"When can I leave?" I can't stop myself from asking.

I see the doctor frown but answer nonetheless, "Normally I would make you stay about three more days to see if there are any lasting consequences," I tense, but he continues, "However, Kanda here told me that you are afraid of hospitals. And I trust his knowledge of basic healing, so you can go this afternoon. If you promise that if anything unusual happens again, you will immediately come here. Is that clear?"

I nod hastily, "Yes, understand." Kanda only grunts.

The light haired man shakes his head and speaks directly to the younger, "You take good care of him, Kanda. No excuses. And don't let your own problems get in the way of it. Mr. Walker needs your support. It will only become clearer the more time passes. I know it is not your child, but by taking him in, he is now your responsibility. I will give you information about what is to come."

"Yes, yes," he grumbles, "I already did, baka. You should have seen him how he fucking looked when I found him, he's way better now."

"What did I say about swearing?" the other sighs, "But thanks then I guess. Go on like that."

Then he turns to both of us, "Any other questions?"

When I shake my head and Kanda snorts he nods, "Good, I will go then. I will come back this afternoon to see if you can leave the hospital. Take good care of each other."

And with that he goes to the door and steps through it, leaving me alone with Kanda. I sigh and lay back on my bed, but don't let go of the raven's hand. When I chance a peek at him, his eyes are closed and he seems to be contemplating about something. Even I can see that his features are troubled.

"Kanda, I am fine," I say and rub the back of his hand.

"I know, baka moyashi. But you nearly fucking lost your child," he answers grumpily.

I smile softly when something comes to my mind. I carefully voice it.

"The baby means a lot to you, doesn't it?"

He turns away, "No, why the hell should it?"

"It does," I smile at him and squeeze his hand, "You are so caring and considerate when it comes to my pregnancy. It must mean something to you. Why?"

He doesn't answer, just avoids my gaze, so I continue to bore, "Kanda, be honest with me. Don't deny it and tell me the truth. I completely understand whatever reason. Just speak to me. Have I not regained your trust after all we've been through in the past months?"

It takes some minutes of silence but then he answers, without swearing and in a small voice, "I am not sure. I guess, it is because I don't know what it means to be a child, so small at that."

I furrow my brow. What does he mean with that? Sure he was adopted and no one close to our group was ever pregnant, but sure he has experienced it at some point. Given I only met him when he was already nine.

"What do you mean, Kanda? You were a child as well once."

He shakes his head sadly, "I have no memory of the time before my eighth birthday, when I was put in the orphanage."

"No memory at all?" I ask incredulously.

"None that I can consciously remember. Sometimes I dream. But all I remember is pain, darkness and loneliness. Nothing concrete."

"These are nightmares, rather than memories," I whisper, one arm around his shoulder.

"They are, but it is all I have. I know nothing of this, so I unconsciously try my best to let you be safe. Plus you are… a friend of mine," he mumbles, avoiding my gaze.

I am happy that he at least sees me as a friend, however there is a slight hesitation before he said the word. I don't know why though.

"You don't want any child to feel the same you do," I breathe, understanding his actions.

"No," he shakes his head, "It's terrible. Even I am not that cruel."

"You are not cruel…" I murmur but I know he didn't hear it. Instead I reach out for him, "Kanda, come here, please."

He looks at me confused, but I only move aside on my hospital bed, motioning him to sit next to me. He seems unsure for a moment, but after a stern look he does as I want. Slowly he stands up and lets himself fall down on the white cover. I smile and pull him closer. I lean myself against his chest, relishing in his warmth. Slowly, very slowly the shock and pain of the nearly miscarriage wear off of me. He originally tenses when I touch him, but gets calmer.

"What are you doing, moyashi?" he grumbles.

"Just let me do it for once, Kanda," I sigh not wanting to let his comfort go, "Remember? I nearly lost my child. I need human comfort, so if you want to help me just sit still for now."

He sighs but stops arguing. And I simply enjoy his warmth on my back. I start to doze off, but smile when I feel Kanda's arms go around me, stabilising me. Finally I fall asleep.

That's it for today. Thanks for reading.

So, everything was saved, luckily. I am not a fan of bad endings anyway ;)

Please review and see you next chapter.