Hello everyone,
after our sweet filler chapter from last time, let's continue with the main story.
Thanks for the reviews.
Disclaimer: We all wish we would own it, don't we?
It doesn't change the fact though that Kanda gets tenser basically each day. It makes me uneasy as well, because I am afraid that he might fall back into his old self-hurting pattern. As far as I can see not though, luckily.
It takes me a lot of time to figure out what is wrong with him. Then I remember something he mentioned in conversation with the Lee siblings. Something that would happen in three months. And this three months are coming to an end. So whatever they were talking about is going to happen soon. And whatever that is it has a grave impact on Kanda.
Just how grave this impact is going to be I find out one evening about ten days before I would enter my last two months of pregnancy, when I find him in his room packing up some clothes.
"Kanda, what are you doing here?" I ask over a piece of cake in my mouth.
"Packing obviously, baka moyashi."
"My name is Allen," I grumble, "But why?"
"I am going to travel. I'm going to be away for about two weeks. Will you manage?"
"Uh, sure, but why are you leaving? Where to and when?"
"In three days to Japan," he answers shortly and a bit strained.
"Why? You haven't answered that, Kanda."
Again he keeps silent and I get the uneasy notion that it has something to do with one of his past traumas again. I walk over to him, one hand on my by now pretty swollen abdomen, and lay the other hand on his shoulder, concerned for him.
"Kanda talk to me. It's not for work. It's something that's bothering you and I am getting worried. So tell me, you can trust me, you know that."
He sighs and runs a hand over his face, "I'm… It's this time of the year. Some months after you disappeared. It's…"
"Calm down. Start again. What is the reason you are going to Japan?" I rub his shoulder.
He takes a deep breath and my chest tightens at his answer.
"It's for Alma's memorial. He died exactly two years ago in eight days."
I can't help but draw him into my arms, maybe also to reassure myself that he is still here with me.
"I am sorry. You are meeting up with the others in Japan to mourn, right?"
He only nods and not even tries to get me off him. I sigh but then I come to a decision. I want to pay my regards to my old friend as well. I know the best for me would be to stay home, warm and safe, but this is something I need to do. So I pull away from the raven and look straight in his eyes.
"I am coming with you."
For a small moment his eyes widen then he frowns, "You are not going to Japan with me. You are nearly seven months pregnant. You can't leave here and fly over half of the world."
"I can and I will, BaKanda. I am pregnant not invalid. I have read up on that a bit. As long as I am more than two weeks away from my due date and won't put myself through too much stress, it will be fine. Kanda, trust me, I need this. To see Alma's grave, to meet Lavi and Komui and to see all of them."
I look at him directly when he wants to start arguing again. "No, Kanda. Please, it is important for me. I promise to alert you if I feel anything unusual."
He is silent but I can see in his face that he is still doubting so I take his hand and carefully lay it on my bump (more like belly by now, gah, I hate it). He looks down when he feels a kick against his hand. Then he sighs and lowers his head.
"Fine, moyashi. But I can immediately drag you to a doctor if I see it needed," he finally grumpily admits.
"Yes, thank you," I say laying my forehead against his for a second.
He curses under his breath then pushes me away, "Then I have to go and get you a ticket for the plane. But no complaints, is that understand?"
"Yes," I grin and focus back on my cake while he leaves the room with a snort.
Two days later, I am packing my own suitcase, Kanda bought it for me, mostly with these stupid maternity clothes. Because now, nothing else fucking fits around my stomach anymore. I hate it! I am really getting fat. And getting down the stairs from the flat without Kanda's help is difficult. That is so annoying! But I won't complain. The movement from the baby is starting to get lesser, making me able to actually sleep through the night. On the other hand, my cravings are getting worse and I have seen Kanda put his own food away when he has to watch me eating my combinations. Also I have to go to the toilet permanently, not to throw up like in the first months, but simply to relieve myself.
Kanda does his best in handling me calmly, but he has started to disappear again sometimes, but I am not really worried because it is during the day and he is taking Mugen with him. He is going sword-training in the park. By now he has changed from the wooden practice sword to his beloved katana. I trust that he would not hurt himself even though the prospect of Alma's memorial is weighing down heavily on him. For some reason I have the impression that me accompanying him to Japan actually calms him down, even if just a little. Maybe because it is easier for him to keep an eye on me that way, but I prefer to keep the hope that it is actually my presence because he likes to have me around.
On that evening Kanda shoos me to bed early. We have to get up early too the next day, our airplane leaves at half past ten in the morning and with checking in and so on, it will take a while. I snuggle into the covers and to chase away the dark thoughts of why we are travelling, I imagine that I am together with Kanda, that this child is not from a rape but from love and we are only going on a holiday to have some fun and meet our friends. This night I fall asleep smiling.
The next morning Kanda wakes me up carefully. I yawn and look at him with half-opened eyes. He looks slightly tired as well. He doesn't say much only tells me to get ready and that there is breakfast in the kitchen. Silently I do as he says. The food is simple and the tea tastes as awful as ever, but I don't care today. While I am eating I hear him coming up and taking both our luggage, grumbling something. After I am finished I clean up and walk out into the hallway, one hand on my round abdomen. He steps back in and our eyes lock.
"Ready, moyashi? Are you fucking sure you want to do that?" he asks again.
"Yes," I smile, "I want to do it and I'm fine. We can go."
He sighs, curses under his breath and then nods. I smile softly and step towards him. After putting on a coat and my shoes, I instinctively reach out my free hand for him. He looks at it for a moment, then grabs it, squeezing. I guess it is as much a reassurance for him as it is for me, even though he would never admit that.
He guides me down the stairs as usual and helps me into his car. The drive is silent as well, my hand rubbing my abdomen. Feeling my child kick calms me down as well.
Finally we arrive at the airport. Kanda stops the car in a parking lot where he can leave it for the time we are in Japan. For a moment he sits still, his hands clenched around the steering wheel. I softly lay a hand on his. He looks up at me and I smile.
"Don't worry, Kanda. I know it's hard, but I'm with you and we will manage."
He nods slowly while he gets out of the vehicle. I sigh. If he's already this bad while we are still in England it will surely be difficult for him after the flight. How did he manage the last year? Then I remember with dread that at that time he was cutting to deal with his pain from what he told me. That means I and the others too will have to look out that he doesn't have a relapse. But I am torn out of my dark thoughts when the door next to me opens to reveal an irritated Kanda.
"What the heck are you waiting for, moyashi? I already got the bloody luggage out. Did you decide to fucking stay? Or is something wrong?" he growls.
"No, I'm fine. I was just thinking," I answer and reach a hand out to him, as support to get out of the car.
I follow him in the building while he carries our suitcases. While he checks our stuff in, I notice all the stares I get. By now my stomach is obvious and because I am generally thin, it is clear that I am pregnant. Carrying males are still pretty rare so society doesn't know all that much about them. Because of that when the people see one they try to find out as much as possible about them. That ends in them treating me like some rare animal they see for the first time like they do right now. Staring at me like I am an exhibit in a zoo or something. As if my white hair and strange scar weren't enough already. I really understand why mamorunin if pregnant tend to stay at home. This is really unnerving and unsettling. Instinctively I inch closer to Kanda who has his back to me, talking to the woman at the counter. I guess they are all assuming that he is my boyfriend again which I surely don't mind.
When he's finished he turns around and nearly jumps when he notices how close I have come to him. He sends me a strange look but when I only try to hide behind him he sees the way the other people are looking at us. He immediately glares at them and everybody turns away. I breathe in relief. He only scoffs, grabs my wrist and strides towards the controls.
He looks beyond agitated that he couldn't take Mugen with him into the airport but I was able to convince that they only would have confiscated it. He is able to go through the metal detector without problems, but of course it beeps when I go through. I groan and stop. The officer comes and runs her device over my body. I can't help but flinch when it comes too close to my bump. The (female) guard only smiles sympathetically at me and retreats after finding the coins in my pocket. Kanda who watched the whole thing with a grumpy face visibly relaxes when I step next to him and rub his shoulder. Pass control goes by without problems, my passport was one of the few things I managed to keep during my whole stay on the streets.
Kanda leads me to a set of chairs in the waiting area and I groan when I am able to sit down. First, I have been standing for too long just now for my liking these days. Second, these plastic chairs are bloody uncomfortable. After I have found a half-way comfortable position I turn to my companion. He has closed his eyes and his arms are crossed. From my guess he is mediating. No idea how he manages that with all the noise around us. I only sigh and pull a book out of my backpack.
About half an hour later when I am already occasionally rubbing my lower back from the uncomfortable chairs (and the added weight), Kanda opens his eyes again.
"I need a fucking coffee. You want something, moyashi?"
"Hm, a hot chocolate please. And a ham sandwich with chocolate pudding," I smile at him, rubbing my belly.
He looks at me with something akin to disgust at my food choice, "I can bring you the pudding and sandwich separated. I guess…"
He shakes his head and then turns away walking in the direction of a small bistro. About ten minutes later he reappears with two cups, a sandwich and a plastic bowl of pudding. He sits next to me and hands me my food, the hot chocolate is placed on the small table between our seats. From the smell of his cup I notice he is drinking strong black coffee, something he never takes at home. I have seen him only drink it once, which was right after the night he came home injured. Another sign that shows his agitation.
Nonetheless his face scrunches up in disgust when I put the pudding into the sandwich and he buries his nose in his cup. When I am finished with eating and drinking I yawn. He notices it and his hand runs through my hair.
"Sleep, moyashi. You need your rest. And we have still over one hour until boarding. I will wake you," he sounds as tired as I feel.
But I take his offer and because of the lack of a proper headrest, use his shoulder as a pillow. He stiffens and scoffs, but doesn't push me away. And so I drift asleep, blocking out all annoying stares from strangers and falling into blissful darkness.
About ten minutes before boarding time I am woken up by someone shaking me. Slowly my eyes open and focus on Kanda. He scowls and turns away again when I straighten up. Soon the announcement sounds over the intercom.
"The passengers of flight JN037985 to Osaka, Japan. Please come to gate 25D, your plane is ready for boarding."
Kanda looks up and only for a second I can see the nervousness in his cobalt orbs. Then it is immediately gone and he stands up. He holds a hand out to me and I gratefully take it, to get moving and escape the glances everyone is giving us. I groan when I heave myself from the chair. As uncomfortable as it was, sitting was still better. As soon as I am upright, Kanda lets go of me and picks both our bags up. When he starts towards the gate, I sigh, put a hand on my belly and follow him.
We are allowed on the plane not even five minutes later. Finding our seats is easy. To my glee they are next to each other and I can use him as a surrogate pillow again. With a contented sigh I let myself fall into the soft chair next to the window. Thank god for Kanda's thoughtfulness of booking a better class than economy after the decision was made that I would come with him. Sitting in one of those small seats in economy with no possibility to sit more comfortable, seven months pregnant would not have been great. Especially not for the 15 hours the flight to Japan takes.
I sigh and close my eyes while the rest of the plane is being filled. I notice that Kanda is tense next to me.
"You don't like flying, Kanda?" I ask carefully.
"That's not it," he snorts, "I just don't fucking like where we're flying."
Softly I lay a hand on his on the armrest between us, "I already said it. All is going to be fine. It is going to be hard for me too. I haven't been to Japan for three years. But we're not alone. And at least for me, the knowledge that you are at my side, is enough to make me feel safe and relaxed. Try to trust me the same way, okay?"
He grunts but doesn't argue and only lays back, closing his eyes once more. I smile softly and just watch him and his (mostly) relaxed face. I smile softly and can't stop myself from leaning forward until my breath is basically hitting his face. Suddenly his dark orbs fly open and stare straight into mine. But neither does he push me away nor does he move. Only an inch closer. Only…
"Please fasten your seatbelts. This plane is ready to start."
Another announcement sounds through the plane. It makes me shoot straight up and he jumps, nearly bumping his head against mine. Again our moment is destroyed. I blush and sit back in my chair, pulling the belt over my hips.
The plane rolls over the field and onto the runway. I stiffen as soon as it slowly starts to take off. Familiar nausea creeps up my throat and I swallow hard at the strange feeling. One hand cradles my bump, the other squeezes Kanda's hand. Noticing my expression, he hurriedly grabs one of the bags in the seat and holds it out to me. I throw him a thankful look when as soon as the plane stabilises I vomit into it. He sighs and rubs my back, just like during my morning sickness. I earn some disgusted looks from the other passengers, but those who can see my bump only nod understandingly. The others back off after Kanda death-glares at them.
Slightly exhausted I close my eyes after I washed my mouth. I barely notice how the stewardess allows us to move and Kanda disposes of the bag. Again I fall asleep for some hours. When I wake up, there is food on the small table in front of me.
That's it for today. Thanks for reading.
Is going back to Japan going to be a good idea for Kanda? We will see in the next chapters.
Please continue to review and see you then.