It was bliss the next month. Remus didn't think anything could go wrong. Lessons died down as the holidays drew near. The only real spellwork the four of them did was when Remus got them out of bed at the weekends for some duelling practice, and he meant duelling.
He supposed he had a bit leftover anger from James and Peter completely ignoring them. He was studying all week, holing himself in the library and sneaking books back to their dorm for extra reading. He absorbed as much as he could, and he honestly meant to teach the others. But when Saturday came, he taught them one spell, made sure they had the hang of it, before clearing the beds away to make a space. James was floored in seconds. Peter less than that. Sirius was smart enough to hide behind the bed barricade and keep out of Remus' firing line.
After that first weekend, James bucked up. He seemed to get that there was something to resolve, and more often than not he heard James get up in the middle of the night for some extra reading too.
'You're not getting the best of me this weekend Lupin.'
They were walking to Transfiguration, another long lesson of nothing ahead of them. He had heard James last night whoop as he poured over one of the stolen books. He was sure the boy had something up his sleeve. What remained to be seen.
'I hope you're right Potter. Otherwise we'll have to come up with a good lie to tell Pomphrey. I think she's getting suspicious.'
He heard a snort to his left. Sirius. Nothing else was said however, not from him. Remus noticed it more as the week went on. Jokes were passed around, James getting more and more smug the closer the weekend got. Peter was the same, so it wasn't like there was a secret being kept from him. He was still quiet, following them along and throwing in quips here and there. But Sirius, he was different. Quiet. Unnervingly so.
'Okay, what's wrong?' He cornered Sirius that Friday.
James was off, making last minute plans for their duel tomorrow. Peter in tow as he usually was these days. He had dragged Sirius over to the edge of the forbidden forest, enjoying the snow before they were confined to the castle at curfew.
Sirius didn't even try to deny something was off, kicking the snow under his feet with an almost vicious air. 'I can't stay for Christmas. Apparently some long lost uncle of mine is coming to visit and mum wants the whole family there. She just wants to show off, she always does.'
'You could always just put your name on the list and tell her when you don't come home.' He knew it was a stupid idea. From the sounds and brief glimpse of the Blacks he had seen, he didn't think they were one to enjoy their son's rebelliousness. Doing something like that would probably make it worse come summer.
'You're going to have all this fun,' Sirius huffed, kicking up more snow.
'Not really. Last year was kind of boring.' He remembered the long days of nothing to do. It was a relief when classes started again, he had things to research. Friends to talk to. He hadn't realized before how lonely it was with just himself for company.
'Yeah, but this year you'll have James and Peter. While I just have Regulus. Do you know how dull he is? He doesn't have a mind of his own. I swear, the last conversation I had with him it was like talking with my mother.'
'That's... I'm sorry.'
'You're sorry? I'm the one who's going to miss the Christmas full moon. You're going to have to come up with a good lie. Last time they were starting to get suspicious again. I think it's because their little room's gone. With nothing else to occupy them- well, Peter- they're starting to think about it again.'
'That's not good.'
Beyond not good. Last time Peter had been suspicious he had laced everything with silver. It had taken Polyjuice and a hell of a lot of good acting to throw them off his scent. Even with all that, it wouldn't take much for Peter to try again. He wasn't stupid. Not like Sirius thought he was anyway. Remus almost thought it was an act, or a defence mechanism. Some way to make himself less of a target to the other more outspoken people in the world.
Someone with enough craft like that would be able to think around full moons. Or at least come up with some other wacky conspiracy that would probably endanger Remus. At the best expel him. At the worse, tell his secret in front of everyone and let them fill letter upon letter about he shouldn't exist.
'Really not good. I'd suggest Polyjuice again. Or come up with some kind of letter- accident. Anything that would put you out of suspicion but also out of the castle. Never thought I'd say this, but I almost wish James didn't have that stupid cloak.'
'Getting found out. Dinner with the Black family. I don't know which of us has it worse this Christmas.'
'And think, we're only in second year.'
Remus laughed, Sirius proposing they cause the most chaos before he goes as an early Christmas present to him. Something he would usually be against. But for Sirius, he could make an exception.
They pulled pranks on as many people as they could. Hanging Nifflers on the Christmas trees Hagrid brought in. Dinner that day was hilarious to say the least, girls holding onto their jewellery for dear life. They broke out the pixies from the Defence Classroom and set them free in the Herbology greenhouses. Sirius' pride was the Polyjuice trick they pulled at the end of term. It had been inspired by their talk, Sirius proposing to James they go around looking like Dumbledore for the day.
It had been an experience. James decided to use his day as Dumbledore to practice his flirting skills, namely on McGonagall. Their professor had not been amused when she realized what was going on. Thankfully she thought their creativeness a sort of genius and only deducted five points from each of them. Not to mention James continued to tell them that for an instant he was sure McGonagall flirted back with him.
Peter had used his day as Dumbledore to invade the professor's classrooms and ask them about not only his mark, but their future tests and what those answers to those tests would be. He got found out by McGonagall too. Mostly because he chose to bother her at a time when James was in the same room as her. Not a smart decision.
Sirius used his day as Dumbledore to scare the living daylights out of his cousins. He would loiter outside their classrooms, reprimanding them and giving them detentions for made up things. Out of all of them he was the longest to not get caught. The only reason he did was due to all those Slytherins turning up to detention and McGonagall wondering why they were there.
Remus used his day to see how many teachers knew about him. He dropped hints here and there, and with the level of sympathy or lack of knowledge they gave him he found out that four of them knew what he was. Four. He felt slightly sick at that. He could only thank that it was the long term staff that knew. McGonagall being one of those that knew, and having caught two of the four of them already, had merely said, 'Get back to your class Lupin,' before going back to her own work.
When the time came for the train to leave Hogsmeade, Sirius was in higher spirits, laughing with James as they recounted their tales. They took him all the way to the front doors, having not found a way to sneak into Hogsmeade yet.
'Don't have too much fun,' Sirius joked as he picked up his trunk. Remus could read the seriousness behind it. He could tell Sirius didn't want them forgetting him. Or do something amazing without him. Really he just didn't want to leave them. Which was unfortunate because Remus had been looking forward to their first Christmas together too.
'We won't.' James promised, pulling Sirius in for a hug before pushing him out the door. 'Now get lost before your Dad comes for you.'
'My dad? It's my mum you have to worry about.'
The first few days were okay. James and Peter hadn't spent time with this few people around Hogwarts and needed some time to adjust. When they did, James went insane.
He refused to sleep in his dorm. Instead, he grabbed his blankets and set up anywhere and everywhere he wanted. Remus stumbled upon him having a sleepover in the kitchens one night.
He decided to befriend Peeves. Which took some time. James came back to clean up more times than he actually made attempts.
The whole castle knew when he had finally cemented that relationship. One moment they were in the middle of breakfast, the next it was raining dungbombs from the ceiling. James told them later Peeves sometimes stole from students so he could prank others. Something he knew the boy would exploit to the fullest.
Throughout it all Remus tried to keep his head down. Tried being the operative word. But when James was one of the only two people left to talk to in the castle, and Peter wasn't so keen on looking up spells all day, he had little choice but to heed to James' call.
At least until the full moon.
It was on boxing day. The worst day to have a full moon if you asked Remus. He had wanted to spend the day going over the new copy of hex's Sirius had got him for Christmas 'Because you need one to scribble in,' had been in his note.
Instead, as soon as the sun was up he was dragging Peter from bed and James from his hidey hole and actually coming up with mischief they could get into. He dared and dared and dared his friends to do this or that. The best thing about it being that they had no regards to their own safety- or in Peter's case not wanting to look weak in front of James and Remus. Which meant that whatever he told them to do, they did.
Streak through the school? James was already to his boxers before he finished speaking. Take a nice stroll over the greenhouse roof? They were dancing and sliding over the slippery glass for a good half hour. Change the potions desks for transfiguration. Steal the crystal balls and hang them from the Hogwarts Christmas trees. Break the Nifflers out again and set them loose in the Slytheirn common room. They did it all until they were hiding out in the second floor bathrooms, the full moon two hours away.
'You're insane Lupin.' James was panting just as hard as he was. Peter hunched over a toilet a few meters away as the stress of the day finally caught up with him.
'You already knew that.'
'True.'
James was nearly asleep, all the adrenaline gone and leaving him slumped half lidded against the bathroom wall. He supposed it was a good thing he gave in to his impulsive side today. It meant that when he said he was going to see what else he could get away with James just told him to go ahead, mentioning something about taking Peter to the kitchens before passing out somewhere.
Perfect. He had wore his friends out so much they didn't even care where he was going. He would bet they would be glad to see the back of him right now. No doubt they would try and avoid him tomorrow too, just in case he tried another day like today. That meant a whole day of recovery without suspicion.
He went to the shack that night with a spring in his step. From the worry Sirius had set in he had been prepared for a much harder full moon than this.
He supposed he should have kept that thought until after he transformed however.
When he woke he didn't know what was wrong with him. All he did know was that he hurt. Everywhere.
When he finally got his eyes open through the sticky grain keeping them closed he was rewarded with heaps of bandages. They were littered all up his arms, his legs, he could feel them wrapped like a collar around his neck. The worst was when he grew more aware of his wounds. He could feel the scratches and bites underneath the white planes. They stung like a symphony whenever he moved, and shocked him into stillness when he felt his nose ache with the familiar pangs.
He couldn't move for a while. Both because Madame Pomphrey forbade it, and also because he just physically couldn't. He was left to whimper his pain away, the noise putting him in more of a state with how canine it sounded.
This was his time, not the wolfs. But the whines still came, growing in pitch until Pomphrey came over, her soothing hands full of pity as she shoved a potion down his throat.
'I read a study,' She told him, straightening his sheets around him. 'About werewolves. It was full of biased prejudice. But there were some interesting points in it. Namely about the connection between your human and other self. The essay said that the closer to the full moon the more you two interlink. It might not be true, but I remember you telling me about those bad dreams you had, and how you were worse off that month because of it. I'm not saying this to patronize you Remus, you know better than anyone about this kind of thing. What I am saying is that maybe you should try and think about this essay, see if it's true. Maybe try and calm down before a full moon.'
'I was calm this month,' He choked, his voice small in the room, having trouble breaking through the pants and noises his throat forced out.
Madame Pomphrey sighed, patting his hand gently. 'Like I said, you know this better than I do. And certainly better than whoever wrote that essay. It was just something I thought I should tell you.'
He thought about what she said when she left him again. It was the only thing he could do to keep his mind off the other thing he wasn't going to think about yet. He said he was calm, but that wasn't strictly true. He was wound up. Both from the stress of the full moon, keeping his secret safe and being friends with James. Also with excitement and relief that he had gotten away with it for another month.
She had been right when she said he was worse when he had those nightmares. Maybe that essay was on to something. But it wasn't like he could actually calm down before a full moon. He couldn't. It was impossible. He was turning into a hairy four legged creature after all. If that wasn't bad enough he had all that energy. He was constantly wired up the whole day before a full moon. He couldn't calm down.
He dozed off for a while considering things he could do to calm himself down next month, just in case it was true.
He hoped this was all some horrible dream. Truthfully he wished his life was some horrible dream- no one should be this unlucky. But when he woke he was still in pain. His cuts were slightly better, the potion Pomphrey gave him doing its job to numb the sting. Yet Remus could still feel his nose aching, could feel every inch of flesh that had been carved out of his face.
He heard himself whimpering again the longer he thought about his face. There was no way he could hide this. Always, always he had thought the wolf would never touch it. The creature had avoided it all these years, never once leaving so much as a scratch on above his neck. He thought they understood each other. Thought the wolf knew that if it hurt there the possibility of a more fatal wound was adamant.
It took a total of two days before Pomphrey let him leave.
He was shrugging on his jumper the first time he caught sight of the gauze on his nose. It made him heave into a bedpan.
The walk up to the dorm was longer than usual. Firstly because of his wounds. Despite getting the all clear, he wasn't actually healed. He was limping pretty badly from where the wolf went for his leg, again. The stairs were particularly difficult to walk up because of this problem. The next was the fact he was trying to avoid any reflective surface possible. Denial was his friend right now. It helped stop the constant mantra of they're going to know, they're going to know, that echoed at the corners of his mind.
When he finally got to the heavy wooden door that housed him and his friends he stood outside for a while. His hand had been on the knob for five minutes before he remembered how to turn it. Five more as he got the courage to actually do so. As it opened, he couldn't help the sigh of relief that came at the place empty. The whole room was a mess, clothes strewn everywhere and things Remus would like to think of as botched potions and nothing else drooping here and there. But no James. No Peter.
Remus really hadn't been ready to face them.
Nor would he be ready.
It was a cowardly move. One he felt justified in doing only for the sole purpose that this was his Christmas holiday too. He hadn't the strength to keep up with James' schemes, or the motive to venture down to the kitchens every time he was hungry. All he really wanted to do was sleep. So that's what he did. He changed, drew the curtains and slept.
The trouble was with giving in to his fear that it was hard to get rid of it afterwards. Once Remus had made his safe haven he didn't want to leave. Whenever James and Peter tried to pry him out, or so much as touch one of his curtains he sent a spell at them. He excused it as being unwell. That was met with Peter trying to take him to the hospital wing. Which resulted in Peter going to the hospital wing alone when Remus hexed him bright green for so much as trying to get him to move. James tried coaxing him out for dinner, saying that the New Years feast would be on soon, and the house elves needed to warm up somehow. Much like Peter, he ended up going to the kitchens alone, grumbling about sour friends and wanting Sirius back.
He lost track of days. Only venturing outside his curtains when he was sure both boys were gone. Which was why he was surprised when he heard a familiar barking laugh and the clatter of a trunk being thrown down.
'- and then Uncle Alphard told mum to stuff it. I think she's considering blasting him.' That was definitely Sirius, his voice moving about the room as more footsteps circled around their beds.
'Brilliant.' James laughed. 'Sounds like you had more fun than us.'
A snort. 'Not likely. Apart from that the whole holiday was a bore. My presents were awful, my cousins more so. Mother was particularly mean when she wasn't fighting with my dad and it was just... not Hogwarts.' There was silence in the room save for shuffling as Sirius shucked out of his travelling robes. Remus half wanted to peak out from his curtains, see if Sirius' mother being 'mean' had extended to rather unconventional punishments again. But if he went outside then... 'So what have you been up to? Bet it's been a right laugh.'
'Yeah it was.' The grin James was sporting could be felt from a mile off. Remus didn't even need to see him to know he was ecstatic right now as he regaled their tales. 'He was bloody mental, had us doing all sorts, right Peter?'
'I still have a bruise from where I slipped on the greenhouses.'
Sirius barked out another laugh, the springs creaking as he jumped on his bed.
'Of course that was before he decided to be a sourpuss,' He didn't need the added volume, he could hear James just fine. 'Honestly Sirius, one moment he's all smiles and the next he goes missing for like three days and holes himself up in there. He's set a new record for being pissy that's for sure.'
'He turned me green,' Peter piped in.
The springs creaked again, Sirius' shadow becoming clear behind Remus' curtain. 'He probably just missed me. You know out of all of us he's the most attached. He probably didn't think it right you having all this fun without your loving leader being in attendance.'
'Sure,' James snorted.
Sirius huffed, probably making a face over at James as he knocked on the wooden post of Remus' bed. 'You missed me, didn't you Rem? Well, you don't have to anymore. So you can come out and give me tales of grand adventure. I bet they're much better than Potters. He has a tendency to over exaggerate.'
So much of him wanted to go out and join them. He wanted to be part of that group. To laugh and joke with Sirius about them having the better Christmas. But he had given in to his fear for too long. It wasn't just going to go away now Sirius was back.
Another knock came. 'Rem?'
He clutched his wand close to his chest, ready to cast a spell if needed. 'Go away.'
'What? Rem-' The curtain shifted as Sirius tried to pry it back. Remus fired before he could reign his arm in, the spell hitting harmlessly off the wall behind Sirius' head. The warning was clear however.
'Go away.'
Some understanding passed between them. Sirius seemed to know then that it was wolf related as he dropped the curtain and turned back to the other two. Not for the first time Remus wondered what he did to deserve a friend like Sirius. Not for the first time, he wondered what Sirius would do when his persistence amounted to nothing. Remus wasn't coming out until classes started, and when they did he was keeping the widest berth he could to these boys.
Sirius continued on about his uncle throughout the evening. Telling them how different he was to the rest of his family. It seemed the man had made quite an impact on his nephew, Sirius swearing that when he was old enough he was going to go live with him.
Eventually the talk died down and the candles flickered to nothing. James' snores filled the air not long after that, the shuffle in the other bed telling him that Peter too was settling in for the night. Remus was surprised when Sirius didn't try climbing in with him. He thought there would be a confrontation as soon as the other two were asleep. Yet the hours dwindled and Sirius remained quiet in their room.
He didn't know what time it was when he finally gave in to his bladder. It was hard to move around a dorm full of boys, and before they had been sparse, barely even there because they were too busy chasing fun. The next few days would be a trial. For now however, Remus couldn't wait any longer, and carefully climbed out of his bed.
He felt bad when he stepped out. The room was still a mess, even more so now Sirius had added to the piles of junk. The boy himself wasn't in his bed like Remus thought, instead he was trying to trip him up on his way to the bathroom. He had set up a sort of camp, his pillow and quilt on the floor next to Remus' bed, and those pale limbs spread everywhere as he dozed. He would be lying if he said he had been hoping Sirius to insist his way under his quilt. Their sleeping habit had really become a habit. He just didn't sleep right anymore without someone kicking him through the night.
Tip toeing around Sirius, he stretched his arms, quickly flattening them down when pain flared up again. Why werewolf scratches didn't heal fast was beyond him. It was like it was rooting for him to die, or at least live his life in constant pain. Still, at least he could walk properly, his legs thanking the short walk into the bathroom.
He kept his eyes down the whole time there, avoiding every mirror, puddle or tap in sight. He blamed that for the reason why he didn't hear Sirius sneak up on him. One moment he was washing his hands, the next the bathroom door was sliding shut again, Sirius trapping the two of them together.
They looked at each other for a while, Remus knowing he had seen the gauze he had yet to take off from his face. Sirius was kind enough to hold his eyes for as long as possible. A minute, two, before his eyes slipped and widened in realization.
'It's fine.' Remus said, like he hadn't just hidden himself away for a week. 'They're just scars. I stopped crying over them long ago.'
Pale fingers came up, hovering between them as Sirius mouthed 'Face,' over and over again. 'Merlin,' He breathed, his hand retracting to touch his own nose. 'Merlin Remus.'
'It's fine.' He said, not proud with how broken that sounded to his own ears. He wasn't going to cry about this. He wasn't. It wasn't like he had ever been vain after all. Even without his scars he was plain, pale skin and blonde hair, a combination half the country had. So it wasn't like he was anything special.
Sirius actually touched him this time. His hand coming up to cup his jaw, those fingers swiping across his cheekbone and an apology slipping out as Remus hissed. He hadn't even realized he had let tears loose.
Hadn't meant to. But, 'This is my face. My face Sirius. I can't hide this. They're going to know, they're going to see and know and-'
'No,' Sirius insisted, repeating it again as he disregarded any pain Remus felt to wipe those treacherous tears away. 'They're not going to know. It's probably not even that bad. Have you looked at it?'
His head shook so hard his vision blurred when he stopped. 'I can't. I can't Sirius. It's my face.'
'And if you've never seen it it's probably not that bad,' Sirius tried again, moving them both over to the mirrors. Remus' feet tried to dig in, tried to run away. But Sirius was adamant, and some part of him was actually curious about it too. 'It's only going to get worse the longer you ignore it. We'll look together okay?'
'I don't want to.'
Yet he held still as Sirius gently pried the gauze away. The bloody strips didn't bode well. Nor did the cringe on Sirius' face. Although he insisted it was because of all the blood, Remus didn't believe him. He knew it was bad.
When three wads of toilet paper were safely in the bin Sirius made him look.
He tried to concentrate on his eyes, bargaining with himself he would learn to look only there. He had avoided looking at anywhere other than his face all these years, he could amend it once again to his eyes. But curious as he was, his eyes strayed, catching the first jagged pink line and following it from cheek to cheek. He did that again with the next, and the next, before his vision swam out and he took his face in full.
'It's not that bad,' Sirius said, looking into the mirror with him. Those grey eyes were fixed on Remus' scars, no hint of a lie in them. 'See?'
He looked at himself again, the three jagged lines across his nose. They were the main focus of his face. Never again would people look at him and not look to there first. It would label him before anyone else even asked his name as a werewolf.
'All I see is a monster.'
He heard Sirius breath heavily behind him. 'Really? Because, all I see is my friend.' The tone was joking, but when Remus looked back at Sirius he could read how sincere he was being.
It was touching. If only it would help him see himself differently.
They spent a few more minutes looking over Remus' new scars before a tired yawn from Sirius had them agreeing it was time for bed. Before they left he was drawn into an unexpected hug, Sirius playing it off by asking if Remus liked his Christmas present.
He did, and told Sirius such as they pulled the curtains back from his bed. He would have went on to tell him about all the notes he'd made had James not been waiting for them, reclining on the pillows with a sour look on his face.