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Chapter 4 - Anxious or what ?

When her first day was over, she exited the ministry to apparate to the Leaky Cauldron, because she didn't feel like returning home straight away. The colourful sight of Diagon Alley lightened up her mood slightly. She payed a visit to Florean Fortescue's Parlour, to munch a "giant size" tub of her favourite ice cream. While she sat there in one of those comfy chairs, eating and being surrounded by noisy chattering people, she thought about what to tell her parents.

Her parents were supporting her to fulfil her dreams. But they were also being anxious at her choice of career. Of course did she know, that it was because of the dangers involved with the job. So what would she tell them ? That she had felt uncomfortable around the department, because of a silly boy ? That the standard of an Auror, Alastor Moody, had been rude to her and that she didn't want to face him again ? No.

Not really knowing why, she decided then and there, that she would have to cope with the negative things coming up in the future, for herself. They might tell her "We told you so." Musing, Tonks thought that there was the possibility, that her parents would be happy if she would announce that she changed her mind, and didn't want to become an Auror anymore. And she didn't want think about that nor hear it. She wanted to do her own thing. A scene was unfolding right in front of her, as she stared off into space.

Tonks' parents were standing right in front of her, worry written all over their faces. Her mum shook her head, sorrowful. "Honey I told you so." sighing, she continued, "You should have dressed less flamboyant." Less flamboyant. "I don't like to admit it, cherub, but I think your mother is right." ...is right. Suddenly they started to smile at her, lovingly. "But we don't need to worry anymore, right ?" her mother announced happily, looking over to her father, then back at Tonks. Right ? "It's not where you were meant to be, love. You shouldn't have gone there." Shouldn't have gone there. "Don't worry, you will find something different you want to do." ...something different...

"NO !" she jumped up, and threw the spoon onto the table, breathing heavily. The chattering people around her stopped dead in their tracks. Some of them were staring at her, their mouths gaping open and ice cream dripping from their spoons onto the tables. 'Whoops, everyone is staring at me. I said that aloud, did I ?' Actually she had kind of shouted it out. It was then, that she hurried to the exit. 'I can do this. But I won't give them a chance to change my mind. I'll tell them how awesome my first day was, that everyone was nice, that I am excited about going back and all that. I really want to work there and I don't have to be friends with everyone.'

That was what she actually did, minutes later, upon arriving home.

Their parents greeted her happily and were curious to know what was happening through her day. She started babbling on, had shown them her lesson plan smiling, but left out Moody's strange emergence at the beginning, instead she told them about how nice Kingsley was.

She was trying to avoid the topic of Gerry, but thought that it would sound suspicious if she didn't tell them about any fellow trainee Aurors at all. Therefore, she mentioned him in some short sentences. Her mother had asked some questions about him but Tonks had shrugged and told her,

"Well, we didn't really get to know each other, you know !? Most of the time we were listening to Kingsley and afterwards we were left to our own devices, to put away our stuff and all that." As a result, her mother didn't ask more questions on that subject and Tonks had to hide how relieved she felt.

"And the others ?" her father had asked, while they sat at the dinner table.

"Well," she stressed, "they were coming and going all the time, you know. Pretty busy with their own stuff. So I really didn't do much more, than to exchange acknowledging nods with some."

"Did you see Moody ?"

"Yes." she mentioned casually, taking another bite of her steak.

"And !?" her parents claimed at the same time, eyeing her in disbelief.

"Well, he was there." she picked on some roasted potatoes. 'Oh please, can't this just stop ?'

"You have wanted to meet him all along, and now you shrug it off with a single word ?" her mother continued and exchanged a look with her father.

Tonks had to yawn. No wonder, she felt pretty exhausted. Putting down her cutlery, she gave them an excusing look. "He is just strange, and doesn't seem to talk a lot. Sorry you two, but I am really tired. I'll head to bed now. Good night." With that she got up, blowing them a kiss and rushed upstairs.

Her parents watched her leaving, speechless. This behaviour was just so unlike her.

Hours later, Tonks was lying in bed, desperately trying to sleep but simply couldn't. There were so many thoughts running through her head and unanswered questions coming up, that it drove her crazy. Glancing over to her bed table, she checked the time again. Eight to one in the morning.

'Bloody brilliant. My first course starts at seven and I need to apparate to the ministry, at least fifteen minutes prior. I don't want to be too late for a second time. Luckily nobody noticed, yesterday...oh hell I'll need to be getting up at six.' After turning around once more, she snuggled into her pillow, like countless times before that night.

Above all, she felt awful, thinking about the following day. There was an emotional lump building up inside of her throat for hours now, and it wouldn't go away. No, it only got worse the more she thought about it.

Moody had turned his back on her in the middle of a conversation. She didn't know how to put it. At first it was a strange conversation, he had surprised and startled her, then it became funny and interesting, and before she could say one more thing, he had just turned around and left her standing there. That was the second time someone hurt her feelings during that day. Maybe she had been too direct again, too cheeky ? Why would such a living legend be interested in talking to a girl like her, anyway ? He had approached her, to tell her about the memo hadn't he ? He truly was a weirdo. But an interesting one for sure.

Then, there was Gerry Jackson sneering at her and making that hostile comment. Why did he say it ? Was it about her hair colour, or because of her clumsiness ? She hated that weakness. No matter how hard she tried and concentrated, she would stumble again, fall over, or break something.

Her mum had told her hundreds of times, that it would be easier for her, if she accepted that her clumsiness simply belonged to her. Was a part of her. What an easy thing to say, really. Gerry had detected her weak spot and put his finger right into it. Oh man did that hurt. Who did he think, he was, huh ? And who was she ? Where was the old smart and cheeky Tonks, that she couldn't think of a clever retort in that kind of situation ?

She felt lonely. Was that the reason ? There were similar comments made back at Hogwarts, but then it hadn't bothered her. 'I miss my friends, yes. But wallowing in self-pity won't help. Come on Tonks. That was only day one. I'll meet the junior Aurors tomorrow, right at the start of the day. And they won't be like him.' She gave a long sigh. 'Okay I don't know for sure how they'll be, but one can still hope. And most important, I get the chance to live my dream and become an Auror. To hell with some nasty comments, that's worth it, right ?'

Enthusiasm returning, she felt reasonably relieved and was curious how her new "teachers" would be like. She slowly drifted off to sleep, thinking about her old teachers at Hogwarts.